Shameless Plugs

First off, Ben and I will be in NB from Dec. 23 to Jan 7, the first week we'll bein Saint John and the second in Woodstock - if you'll be around we'd love to see you! Leave a message here or email me and we'll work something out.

Second, Hana is being dedicated at River Valley Wesleyan Church on Sunday, Dec. 24. The service is at 10:45 am, and again, we'd love to see you if you can make it.

Third, two posts ago I gave a theory, and asked for opinions...and nothing...what's with that? I'd like some feedback, maybe hear some other theories...I know people read this...ok, maybe asking for comments isn't following blog ettewuitte, but still...

6 weeks is up

my house is clean. Praise God

My theory on everything

Ok, well, maybe not everything....but this is my way of understanding the whole God knows what will happen and we still have free will issue. I came up with this mostly as a teen and trying to understand things that were going on. At Bethany I kind of kept it to myself, but what I learned didn't make it seem completely hiretical, so I've kept it tucked away. It's probably not so much of a theory as an attemt to understand things far beyond my comprehension.

As we go through life, making decisions, it's as if we're walking down a road. In front of us we can see cross streets and twists and upcoming turns, all representing various experiences, opportunities and choices we will face. The decisions we make determine which road we go down, and, while we can see a certain distance ahead, the road is not stright and our ability to see where our choices will lead us is limited.

In turn, God has the map. He sees all the streets, all the possibilits, all the different ways to make it to the same destination. He has a route marked out for us, one that will be most beneficial (tho not necisarily (or likely) the easiest - hardships teach us to persevere, and we need all that comes with that). He also sees the other roads, the ones He wants to steer us away from, and how they always seem to intersect at crutial points with His plan.

God can see all the outcomes of all our possible decisions, and how they intersect with all the outcomes of everyone elses decisions. His plan is worked through leading us in a way to get us "in the right place at the right time" so to speak - leading us down one road so that we have an opportunity to intersect with another road that we may have missed earlier.

I see this lived out in people's lives. I've also experienced it myself. At a crutial point I'll make a decison that leads me away from God's plan for me (and will in some way usually be aware of this) - I deal with the consequences, I repent, and then later, as a result of different experinces and decisions, I'll be faced with the same opportunity once again. Just like making a wrong turn and then looping back around, cathing the street at a different block.

Again, not sure how accurate this is, but it works for me, and I was wondering if anyone had any insight on this? Let me know...

In General

Things are going great! We took Hana to Ben's work Christmas Party on Saturday and she had a blast! I had her dancing with me and she loved it, and we never heard a peep out of her the whole evening...and then she slept through the night! It was absolutely wonderful!

We're so excited to be back in NB for Christmas! Still need to get christmas shopping finished, but there's not much left, so it shouldn't take too long.

I've found a new obsession - Babywearing! I've found so many more ways to use my CuddlyWrap and it's easier on her and me (she was starting to not like her head squished the way I was doing it before, so I looked for other ways to wrap her). I even experimented putting her on my back, and with Ben's help it was easy, with a little ore practice, and as she gets bigger, I'll be able to do it myself. I also bought another wrap, one that's not streachy, so it'll be easier to keep tight as she gets heavier. There's so many different kinds of carriers and so many ways to carry, and with all of them Hana is close to me like she wants to be, and yet I still have my hands free to do what I need to get done. When I'm not wearing her she's hapy to be in her swing or her crib, because she's getting all the cuddle time she needs. Happy baby and happy mom!

Unreal

I've got Hana in her wrap right now. She's been having a rough day....or I've been having a rough day rather. She's been having a needy day. She doesn't want to sleep in her crib, she's generally fussy, and she's been eating more often than usual - basically just growing and needing extra comfort, so no big deal really.

I think of how much she needs. Without someone helping her, she couldn't survive. Today she can't even sleep comfortably without help from someone else. She needs to be changed, fed, held, everything.

It's hard to picture Jesus in this position. I can imagine Mary being confused and maybe even frustrated as Jesus would cry non-stop for seemingly no reason. I wonder if she ever felt guilty for wanting just a few minutes of peace, and then realizing that the child she was so frustrated at was the one who would bring peace to the earth.

Intellectual Dishonesty

Since I started going online regularly as a teen I've been part of various message board communities. I really enjoy message boards because it's a great way to communicate, share ideas and learn.

Unfortunately, some people aren't as open to sharing ideas and learning as others, and this tends to frustrate me. In the spirit of being "nice" and "accepting" people can sometimes tend to go soft, and want everyone around them to be soft as well. Instead of sharing opinions, they would rather just skirt issues and pretend that everything is right for everyone. They call this being open minded. I call it intelectual dishonesty.

Let's be truthful here, if someone feels strongly that their oppinion about something is right, then they (by default) feel just as strongly that a differing oppinion is wrong. They may be able to fit it into a "right for you, wrong for me" sort of category, but even still, not every issue will fit like that.

I honestly believe it's possible for two (or more) people to have a conversation about something, disagree completely, share their reasons why, and all go away happy and having learned something - either expanding their point of view, having a greater understanding for other points of view, or realizing that they didn't know as much about the subject as they thought (or possibly all of the above).

There are a few dear people in my life that I am usually in disagreement with about certain issues, and I treasure the conversations that we have. They thibnk I'm wrong, I think they're wrong, but we undersand that it's possible neither of us really know what we're talking about, so it's ok. In these conversations I've learned humility, I've learned how to express myself, and I've learned that I can be wrong, very very wrong. I've learned that having to defend my ideas strengthens my belief in them, and that the best way to help someone to understand my position is to do all I can to understand theirs.

So back to the intelectual dishonesty - it frustrates me when I'm accused of "trampling" another person because I refuse to just say "oh, that's nice" when something I believe strongly in is being discussed. I share my point of view, expecting (hoping?) and appriciating when the other person expresses theirs. We may not agree, but we can both go away having learned something.

My stance in a discussion is this - if you've already made up your mind, then my oppinion shouldn't threaten you, so why not listen and perhaps learn something. If you have not made up your mind, then shouldn't you want as much information from as many sides of the issue as possible?

I try not to be arrogant, I'm always open to the possibility that I am the one who is wrong, but expect me to give and defend my position until you show me where (and how) I am wrong.

Sigh.

Maybe I should take a break from message boards for a while....or find people I truly can discuss (and possibly disagree) with.

already a month old...

Wow a month goes fast. I can't believe that she's a month old already, she's still so small. She has grown a lot tho - the preemie clothes we had to buy for her are getting on the smaller side, but still fit. Her regular clothes mostly fit now too (the pants don't go up to her armpits anymore).

She's so much more awake and aware now, and she's starting to coo and smile. She's the most precious little baby, I'm daily amazed by how much I love her. I didn't think it would be possible to love another being this much.

I'm doing well too, I have no pain at all from my incision, but I'm still not considered healed for another two weeks. It's a little frustrating because it limits what I can lift and my cleaning. Most frustrating is that the stroller is out of my lifting ability, so even in nice days Hana and I usually stay in if I don't have the car.

I love being a mom, this is thebest feeling in the world.

Ps - lots of pictures in her album - hanapics.cjb.net

God provides again

I don't know why things like this always suprise me. I know that God *can* do all these amazing things to take care of us and help us, but it always just leaves me in awe when he does them.

One of my biggest worries with going with formula was that it's expensive. Thankfully Hana has no problem with cheep powdered formula, but ther was the possibility we'd have to go with more expensive stuff (I needed soy formula when I was an infant). Even with the cheep stuff the price still adds up - it's not too bad right now where she's only taking about 18-20 oz a day, but she's going to get bigger, and it all adds up.

And then yesterday Ben was informed that he's getting a $2 and hour raise. It's wonderful and puts me in awe of my God, my provider.

Thoughts on Christmas

I love Christmas, it's my favorite time of year. When I was little it was always so special, we'd have a hosue full of people, everyone getting along, having fun together. Some of my favorite memories are from Christmases.

I started listening to Christmas music in September, and I'm still not sick of it. I love Christmas.

I was thinking the other day about the christmas star. Some people wonder why God waited for when He did to send Jesus, as if it were a spur of the moment decision that the time was right. But science tells us that it takes time for light from a star to reach earth, sometimes a lot of time, depending on how far away the star is. For the christmas star to have shone announcing the birth of Christ it would have had to have started years earlier, maybe a lot of years earlier.

God's plan wasn't spur of the moment, He didn't just all of a sudden decide that the time was right, it was planned, and that plan had been put into motion years earlier when the star started shining. God knew when the time would be right and set things in place so that His plan, and our reconciliation to Him, could come at just the right time in history. His plan amazes me.

Life is good

It's been two days and I have no regrets, things have been great. My baby girl is happy and content, and growing (she's already more than 2 inches bigger than at birth!) and I'm relaxed, happy and enjoying her.

In other news, well, there really isn't any other news. we thought the car was broken because it wouldn't start, but really it was just in drive (oops?). Ben turned 25 on Sunday, and tomarrow night we're going out to a movie and Hana will have a babysitter for the first time.

A question for moms - Hana loves sleeping on her belly and wakes up when she sleeps on her back, then has trouble getting back to sleep. The problem is she can only sleep on her belly when she's with us (sleeping on my lap etc.) and so when she naps I usually end up holding her. Any ideas on how to get her more comfortable on her back so she'll get used to sleeping in her crib? Thanks!

So that's it for now. Life is good, it's snowy, and I'll be back in NB in 4 weeks (YAY!).

Why nursing didn't work for me....

...(and how it doesn't mean I'm a bad mother)

This is mostly just a reminder for myself, and a bit of encouragement when I need it.

When I was pregnant I was so excited about nursing, but I was also nervous. My mom wasn't able to breastfeed, her milk didn't come in. The more research I did the more hopeful I got, there were medications that would induce lactation. I figured I would be ok.

In the hospital the first time I latched her on it hurt so much I almost screamed, but she was nursing, and I didn't care how much it hurt. For the next two days she kept having latch on issues, even after all my nurses and a lactation consultant had tried to help. I didn't care, I kept nursing, even tho my nipples were so cracked and blistered and bleeding. I wanted to nurse my daughter, breast is best.

She was loosing weight, she was dehydrated, she wouldn't settle, she wasn't a happy baby, so the nurses pushed for formula. I cried, I felt like a failure, but I agreed, my baby needed to eat. I started pumping and trying to hand express, my mipples kept bleeding, but started to get better. I kept trying to nurse her, it kept hurting, she wasn't getting much.

When we got home from the hospital she would cry and cry and never seemed satisfied after she nursed. We rented a pump, the nurse suggested I just pump until my mipples healed. I would take almost 2 hours with each feeding to feed her my milk, then formula, and then pump. She ate ever 3 hours, giving me very little time to rest, or even eat. When Ben was home he'd feed her while I pumped. I started hating feeding her, it was heart breaking.

My supply wasn't going up on its own. I started taking Motilium. It gave me headaches, really bad headaches, but I stayed on it, I had to nurse my baby. She wouldn't nurse tho, she'd scream every time we tried. I saw another lactation consultant. She reassured me, but didn't fix the problem.

I went and bought a nipple shield. Finally, she nursed! I was so happy....but then she was still hungry and needed a bottle afterword. The motilium started to kick in, I could get a little more. She fell asleep while nursing every time, it took over an hour to feed her, then she'd wake up about a half hour later. She took the bottle and it broke my heart. At this point I was crying every day over this. Everything else was wonderful, I just couldn't feed my baby. She was so gassy she couldn't sleep, she ended up in bed with us because it was easier to comfort her.

The nurse called again to see how things were going. She was glad to hear my supply had gone up, but Hana wasn't really satisfied. For the last few days she wouldn't be awake for more than half an hour without screaming, and she'd wake every 2 hours to eat. I tried just nursing her, but she wasn't getting enough - the nurse told me how to tell with the shield.

And so I tried everything. And it didn't work. And I cried and felt like a failure. My baby needs to eat, she needs to eat enough so she can sleep comfortably, and I need to feel good while I'm feeding her and not be worried about if she's starving or not.

I decided I'm going to formula feed. It's been almost three weeks, nursing isn't working. I threw out my pills, the shields, packed up the pump. I'm done.

Part of me is excited that I don't have to stress about it any more. Part of me feels really guilty for giving up, and even more guilty for being excited. I'm hoping the guilt will go away soon - writing this all out has helped.

Formula won't kill her. She'll be just as smart, just as healthy and just as beautiful, plus her mother will be much happier. I'm in the 2-5% of women who can't breastfeed. I just have to deal with that.

YAY for POOP

that's a phrase i've been saying lately that I never thought I'd say...but hey, when babies poop it's a good thing....yeah

Otherwise things are going good. I was having issues with nursing, meaning pretty much every issue you can have nursing I've experienced. We're still trying tho, and it's getting better.

And she's awake, so more later....later meaning eventually....

Hospital Ban

In the last two weeks I've been to the hospital 3 times. That's more than I like to go to the hospital in 3 years. I hate hospitals (just in case I didn't mention that before)

Hospital Trip #1: (Friday)
Reason : C-section
Duration : 4 days
Outcome: I had my baby, so it wasn't all bad. Sure, I got no sleep and the nurses weren't all that helpful, but still, in all, not a bad experience.

Hospital Trip #2 (Tuesday)
Reason: Hana spit up blood
Duration: 4 hours
Outcome: She was fine - the blood was mine (nursing issues, it hurt a lot) and so no reason to worry. It gave me a great appriciation for my mother who took me to the hospital many times when I was small. We also got to see the new Alberta Children's Hospital, nice place.

Hospital trip #3 (Sunday)
Reason: I had chest pains and the nurses made me paranoid of blood clots
Duration: 10 hours
Outcome: I was fine, after a CT scan they discovered I had no problems, was completely healthy, no idea what the pain was (I think I pulled a muscle). I endured blood work, 3 IV atempts and have a HUGE bruise on my arm, plus was radio active from the dye for the CT and couldn't nurse for 48 hours. BUt I was fine, I really should stop complaining.

So now no one in my family is allowed to get sick for at least the next year. In a perfect world I'd never have to go into a hospital again at all, but I know that's not so likely. Actually, right now I'd be happy with making it a week without a trip to the ER.

Another one

Isn't she cute?

Baby Album

I've started a photobucket album for Hana and will try and post new pics every couple of days. The link is Here

And in other news....

First an update on Hana - she's precious. And she had a bunch of gunk in her belly. The public health nurse came today and was talking to me. I told her we'd been having trouble with Hana because she always got really gassy and couldn't lay on her back for more than about 20 mins without waking, wich made nights really hard. The nurses at the hospital had said it was normal and told me to hold her on her belly, and that seemed to help. We were also having trouble with feeding her - she would stop sucking but still be hungry, and she had lost almost 10% of her weight. Well, all of those problems are fixed now (or at least so far they seem to be) because she vomited up a bunch of gunk. The PHN said it was normal in babies who had swallowed gunk in utero, and asked if she had been suctioned. She had, but apparently they missed a lot. It was kinda freaky seeing it come out, I was glad the nurse was there. Since then she's been so settled, has been eating great, and seems to be doing much better. I'm a little frustrated they didn't notice the problem at the hospital, but I'm just so happy to have a healthy baby and not to have to worry about her weight any more.

Now the other news. As of yesterday, the summit church where I had been working has closed. For those of you who don't know it was a plant in Calgary that started about 4 years ago. There are a lot of reasons why it closed, most having to do with a combination of cultral things. It's very sad, but good - with all the leaders/staff being bi-vocational things were getting hard on everyone.

We're not really sure what will happen next - to get my ordination I'll need to find another church, but I had been planning on not getting ordained for at least another year anyway (church maternity leave). We have our lease until July and we like it here, so there's no rush. We're going to find a church we can be part of and just take it as it comes.

She has arrived!

Ok, so you probably already knew that she was born, but now you get to hear all about it (well, not all about it...but if you want the whole story let me know).

We got to the hospital a little before 6 on Friday morning, got admitted and went upstairs to the labour and delivery ward. They got me hooked up to a moniter and started my IV (I didn't even cry). then we waited. And waited more. I spoke with the surgen and the anestatist. Then waited. Then found out they had changed my surgery back an hour - it was to be at 9 instead of 10.

Finally, we were told it was time. This was when I started to get nervous. I walked to the OR and sat down on the bed so they could put in the spinal. Ben wasn't allowed in the room, and I almost started to cry, but it wasn't so bad. It started working pretty quick, it was a really odd feeling, numb but tingly. Ben came and and got situated, at 9:45 they put up the screen so I couldn't see what they were doing (which was really nice). at 9:54 I heard the most beautiful sound - my daughter screaming. I balled. It was just so wonderful to hear her and know she was healthy. at 10:15 they had me all stiched up and moving to a recovery room.

She weighed in at 6lbs 14 oz, 19 3/4 in. She's beautiful!

By Friday evening I was up walking a bit, Tuesday morning I was off the IV and everything and walked around a bit more. The pain isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be - even without having morphine in my spinal I still only needed extra strength tylonol.

I could have been dischared on Sunday but the nurses were nervous about how much weight she had lost, so they kept me an extra night just in case. She's doing great now!

There are pics on my photo blog, there will be more added regularly, and there's some other news I have to share, but that will be tomarrow.

Changes

I'm having a baby tomarrow.

Some people consider this cheeting - usually when womeen have babies they don't know the exact date it will happen. I even know the time - 8 am mountain time. I also know that it will be a girl, her name is Hana Rae. I really can't wait to meet her.

there are a few people I know who think I'm just not going to be suprised at all when she's born, that I've taken away all the mystery and wonder of having a child.

they're very wrong.

I've had this life, this little person living within me for the past 9 months, growing, moving around, being part of my life. she's already got a personality, a temperment, talents. God has already mapped out who she can be and where her life could go. how can that not cause me to be in absolute wonder over this whole thing?

The oddest part of this is the peace I have about having a section. This is odd because I don't like Doctors, I don't like hospitals, and I have a huge problem with needles, blood, and the like. This problem gets to the point that when I had to go in for a tetnus shot I almost passed out because my blood pressure went so high and I cried when they gave me the shot.

But having a needle in my spine and my stomache cut open doesn't bother me in the least. I can't wait to hear my little girl's first cry, to see her. I'm excited that Ben gets to hold her first, because I've been the one carrying her all this time. I can't wait to kiss her and hold her and nurse her.

I'll be in the hospital probably until Monday, but I'll see if I can get Ben to update between now and then. Please be praying for a quick and easy recovery for me.

Coppied from Matthew Rose

I went, i saw, I copied.

Thoughs on Truth

I really enjoyed the message at church yesterday. Actually, I had been looking forward to it for quite a while. We've been working through a series based on Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis, so I knew what was coming.

I don't have the "average" background of a pastor. My family stopped going to church for various reasons when I was about 4, I would go with a friend of mine through my childhood and teen years, but Christianity was definately not the main influence on my world view. Through my life I've been exposed to many different views, religious, political and scientific. Because of my cuirious nature, I would take in all these views, discect them, and take what I could from them.

For a time when I was a teen I studied religions, from Celtic druidism (paganism) to Islam, to cults (mormonism and the watchtower society mostly), a bit of hinduism etc. I was interested in why people followed these religions, just as much as i was curious why people would have no belief in God at all.

Through all these experiences and studying, I couldn't deny that there was truth in these other belief systems, that there was truth in scientific theories, and there was truth in the lives of people who had no concept of diety at all.

Of course, I mostly kept all this to myself - I had noticed that many christians feel that we have a monopoly on truth. I mean, after all, Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life - so truth can't possibly exist outside of Christianity.....

However, the Bible disagrees. It says the whole earth is full of the glory of God, that creation proclaims the glory of God, that He is everywhere and there is no where we can go and notbe in His presence. Paul quoted secular (pagan) prophets and writers of his time when trying to bring people to the true God.

Think of it this way...ancient cultures would worship the sun, bcause they knew that the sun was what made their crops grow and would make them prosperous. That is true (trust me, I did a science project on photosynthasis when I was a kid...no light = no plants). Their was truth in their religion, the only problem was that they didn't go far enough.

I think this happens a lot. I genuinly believe that if people seek out truth, seek out all of God, that they will find Him, that's what Jesus said, right? So people set out in a search for truth in whatever form they choose (religous, scientific, philosophical) and find some. There is truth in any religon out there. In fact, I can remember agreeing with some of the articles of satanism at one point (not sure what ones and not gonna look it up right now). What happens is that smewhere along the path serching for truth people find religion (be it islam, hinduism or christianity) and then stop looking. Just like those who used to worship the sun, they don't look far enough.

I had a friend who was JW. My heart ached for her (still does, she broke off contact, I think I may have gotten her in trouble), she wanted to know truth. Every conversation I had with her I worked to find common ground in what we believed. I didn't cut down her beliefs, I didn't tell her she was wrong, but helped her to understand where she was right. truth has an amazing ability to reveal lies in its own way, we don't need to do that.

And it's not like Christianity is all truth either. The early church had to learn that it was not true that followers of Christ had to first become Jews. It is not true that God loves a stright, sexually pure individual more than a promicuous homosexual one. It is not true that smoking/drinking/whatever makes you useless as a folower of Christ, and yet this is what (at times) people have been either pressured to feel or outright told.

God is so much bigger than us. So much bigger than any concept of Him that we might come up with. he can not be contained in a building, in a denomination, even in all the doctrines and beliefs that make up christianity. We need to continually be seeking Him, be seeking truth, to continually draw closer to Him as he reveals himself to us.

And we need to be open to the truth that we see around us instead of being scared of it and writing it off as wrong or evil. We need to encourage people with whatever ammount of truth they have, and pray that their hunger and thirst for truth will continue to lead them to God. We need to find common ground between beliefs, discussing what we share and then finding reasons for where we differ, instead of debating over things that we're not really sure of anyway.

That's my rant for today. No baby yet. I'll keep you posted.

Benefits Recieved

No, no baby yet...I've just been a slogger for the past couple of weeks. She'll be here next Friday (I go in to the hospital at 6 am). In the meantime, I'm sleeping and getting all the laundry done (how is it she has so much laundry and isn't even born yet?).

I have exciting news. One of the perks (the only perk?) of being bi-vocational for the past year is that I was eligable for maternity leave. This is a big deal for me. Ben and I are doing well enough financially (as in not having to live paycheck to paycheck) because he gets paid really well and our rent is super cheep. However, I have a line of credit from school that I'm slowly chipping away at, and we like having a bit of savings. Add on a newish car and a baby, and things were going to be a bit tight with me not working. In fact, us getting the car was a real step in faith for me, because I wasn't sure how much I was going to get for mat leave.

Basically, I needed to be recieving about 400 a month for my loan and to put a bit in savings for the baby, plus help with the price of diapers so that ben's paycheck wasn't streched too far. I didn't know if I'd get that much because most of what I worked was part time (under 40 hours).

Well, I checked today, and God has been good to us. I'll be getting just over 600 a month! The unfortunate thing is that it is only for 24 weeks instead of the full 53, but I can live with that, either going back to work part time when Ben's home, or seeing how far we can make things strech. I really want to be a stay at home mom as much as possible, and with my work at the curch (which will be starting again in January) I never planned on working full time anyway. We'll wait and see what happens.

I'm so excited about this, one more way that God is taking car of us and affirming that He wants us here doing what we're doing. Calgary is a VERY expensive place to live, but so far we've been taken care of. God is amazing.

Our New Car!

1997 Saturn, 4 door, white, no rust...so much better than the 1987 2 door pink Honda Civic that's falling apart we were driving 

It has a fin....oooohhhhh 

The interior is like new! 

And the date is....

November 3rd!

I still don't know what time, but I am scheduled for a c-section on Friday, Nov. 3....unless of course she decides to make her entrance a little earlier (not that I would mind that all that much).

Happy Day

This has been a wonderful day. I had a fairly good sleep for most of the night, woke up feeling awake, and there was snow on the trees. It's just beautiful out, light snow, not too cold. I feel very cozy inside, got some cleaning done and had a visit from a friend i rarely see.
I also got our new(ish) car insured, and we'll be getting it registered tonight and picking it up tomarrow.

this is a good day

Baby Update

I had a long day at the Dr.s yesterday.

First, we had our ultrasound. An ultrasound at this stage isn't nearly as exciting as the earlier ones - you can only see one part at a time, so we didn't get any pictures.

While we were waiting for the tech to be ready we amused ourselves by watching my belly wiggle and move on it's own. Hana was getting all comfyfor her nap. Apparently the scan was scheduled at a very inconvenient time for her. She takes after her parents - when she wants to sleep nothing can stop her. During the scan the tech needed to be able to see 3 movements in order to give her the ok. She jiggled my belly and poked at me and got me to change position and everything, but Hana didn't mind, she just kept right on sleeping.

What the tech did figure out was that she is still breech. Somehow she managed to get her feet up from under her and into the picke position, which is why I've been feeling more movement in the middle of my belly, but she didn't flip. She tricked us. The tech also said she's about 5.8 lbs right now - nice healthy size, not too big.

So after the scan I had to go for a non stress test to make sure that she was still active and such. It didn't bother me too much, I knew she'd be waking up soon (it was getting close to my usual nap time which is when the baby usually wakes up....). Ben was a little concerned at first because she wasn't moving when the tech tried to wake her, but we saw the heartbeat so we knew everything was fine. Apparently I've just woken her up enough times that she's learned to ignore it :P

During the non stress test I got to relax in a big laxy boy chair. Not too bad at all if you ask me. Ben and I sat and chatted and I pushed a button every time I felt the baby move, they also had me hooked up to a machine the measured her heart rate and any contractions I might have had (none during the test). After about 10 mintues she woke up and was moving around a lot.

While we were doing the test a Dr. came in and told us the options we had because Hana's breech. She basically said that having an ECV has about a 50% success rate, can be very uncomfortable, and can put the baby in distress which calls for an immediate emergency section. She said if we chose that it would have to be done very soon. I had already reseached it and came to the conclusion that the stress wasn't worth the risk, and hearing her explination confirmed it for me. We decided to not try the ECV and just got with a scheduled section.

Not that I'm a big fan of having a section, I'd just rather have a planned one than an emergency one.

So then we had my appointment with my OB. It was lots of fun, I had my GBS swabs done....yay....
It was a Dr. I hadn't seen before, and she was very nice, but not very gentle lol. We talked about my decision to have a section. She said the baby probably could be turned with no problem, but Ben and I both don't want to risk it.

So, they're going to schedule me for a section somewhere around Nov. 4 (they do it a week before the EDD, but I think they have my date off by a week, so Nov. 4 is my real EDD anyway...). I told the Dr. babies in my family tend to come early so she gave me a copy of my history, just in case. She also said I was measuring at 39 weeks, so I'll be suprised if I make it to November.

So, Hana Rae Perry will be entering the world no later than Nov. 4. In the meantime she could still turn - they'll be checking every week and will check before my section just in case. I have to be very observant of contractions etc. because they don't want me going into labour - if I do they have to stop it or do an emergency section.

I'm still processing the whole thing. Even tho I knew a section was always a possibility (either because of position or size) I was still hoping for a vaginal birth. On the other hand, I don't have to worry about tearing or going over due anymore ;). I don't like the idea of surgery but it is nice to know that I could still deliver vaginally for my next one.

So in a nutshell, I learned my baby is sneeky and likes to sleep, and she'll be born by the 4th, not such a bad day at all :) .

Picture List

I'm putting together a list of family and friends to email pictures to when Hana is born. If you'd like to be on the list, email me @ sperry at thesummit dot ca

Of course, you can always wait an extra day or two until I get them up on my blog

And the belly continues to grow! is it a bad thing when maternity clothes don't fit anymore? 

Can't really tell from the front...except that this shirt used to be loose... 

Random thoughts

- Everyone should be able to nap every day, it's a wonderful thing.

- I read a book yesterday, picked it up and didn't put it down until it was finished.

- I've walked almost every day for the past week or so.

- I saw a kid riding down the street on a unicycle, it made me giggle.

- My house is cleaner than it's been for months.

- I had a baby shower on the weekend and it was wonderful, I feel much loved.

- I've been craving junk food like I've never craved it before.

- Ben and I are looking for a new car.

- This is pretty much as good as I can get my brain to work lately.

May cause drowsyness

Have you ever noticed that on comercials for sleep aids they list drowsyness as a possible side effect?
I find it really funny, but it sort of got me thinking.

People do things that have certain natural outcomes or consequences, and then get suprised (and sometimes upset) when those things actually happen.

Say for instance, someone goes out and drinks too much, they get drunk, and then the following day they're suprised by their hangover or possibly the things they did while drunk.

But it's not always negative that suprises people. Positive outcomes can be just as suprising and sometimes puzzling.

Are we really that dumb? Or maybe it's numbness, not dumbness that causes the problem. Maybe we're so consumed by disappointment and apathy that we can't really see what's coming, or we don't really expect it to actually happen.

What do you think?

Interesting Appointment

We had a dr. appointment today. After waiting a LONG time (perhaps I need to be more patient...) we finally saw the Dr. She's not sure if Hana is still breech or not, and neither am I, so I get to go for another ultrasound on the 13th to check her position. I havn't gotten any kicks in my ribs yet, but I havn't had as many low kicks today either, that's why I'm not sure if she flipped or not. Last night I promised her a pony if she flipped (one of the "my little pony" ones of course) so maybe that worked.

The Dr. also made some interesting comments. She asked what size shoe I wear (4-5) and put her hand up to mine to measure it (my hands are the size of an average 8-10 y/o). I asked her if she thought my baby was going to be big, and she said "well, big for you, if you were 5'8" I wouldn't say she was big." She was also surprised that all the women in my family were about my size and gave birth vaginally.

So things could get interesting. I also told her that babies in my family usually come early (my brother and I were both about 2 weeks early), so we'll see what happens. The ultrasound will give us a better idea of her size and we'll go from there.

Hana's Room

Finally my baby has a place to sleep! It was such a hassle trying to get the crib and such, it's so good to have it almost ready. I sill need to wash everything (I just wanted to put something on the bed for the picture) and get a few more things, but basically her room is ready!

The decorations I put up around her crib. I'm really tempted to get some more stickers 

Her dresser and changing table. I know, the dresser could use a coat of paint and such, but it just didn't get done. We got it at a yard sale for 10$. The blinds beside the dresser cover our storage area. There's a yellow curtain there now, because my husband is wonderful and put it up for me.  

Here's her crib 

Oompa....Tuba....Tuna....Jew....

Ok, so it could just be because it's way to late at night and I can't sleep, but I found this to be freekishly funny. I couldn't help but sing a long (especailly since they have the words right there for you.

So watch, laugh, enjoy....or just think i'm compltely nuts for getting any entertainment out of this at all

Click here....

It's Snowing

Yup, really is. I tried to take a picture, but it's hard to take a picture of snow through a window.

Snow....in September...something is very wrong with that

Things I've learned since being Pregnant

I warn any guys who may be reading this, it could be more info than you want/need. You've been warned.

I'm liking being pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant, friends of mine had been pregnant, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what it was going to be like.

I was so wrong.

There's things that no one tells you about pregnancy, until you get pregnant of course. Then everyone who has ever been pregnant or known someone who is pregnant feels the need to tell you every gory detail.

So here's some of the things I've learned, some from my own experience, some not. To protect myself I'm not going to tell you which are which.

1. Babies kick. Ok, so we all knew that already. The funny thing is, before pregnancy it never occured to me to consider exactly what it is they're kicking. As the uterus grows, it pushes all the other organs around (just like in life, everything gets pushed aside for baby), and so depending on how the baby is positioned, he/she has great access to lots of fun parts. Diaphram, stomache, intestines, bladder, liver, ribs, rectum, cervix, apendix. Oh so much fun....

2. People like pregnant ladies. In fact, some people like pregnant ladies so much that they feel they can ask any question, touch them, and share personal information. These things include patting the belly, trying to "listen" to the baby through the belly etc. The questions can be quite interesting. Culturally, asking questions such as how far along are you/when are you due are considered appropriate (well, at least once it becomes obvious to the world that you really are pregnant and not just...um...round...), but there are still some questions people ask that are a little too much. Things like "are you dialated yet?", "did you have any problems with contapation/hemeroids?", "how much weight have you gained?" etc. get asked. It's a little much.

3. Things get uncomfortable. Again, no big suprise, there's a big belly with a baby in there. However, this discomfort goes beyoned the mother. The father also has to deal with it - the extra pillows in bed, the constant changing of position, the requests for water/food/foot and back rubs. And it's not just physical discomfort, there's all the emotional and hormonal changes too. Pregnant women have been known to go through the whole spectrum of emotions in a matter of minutes, without provocation. This can make conversations, dinners, movies and arguments quite interesting.

That's all I've got for now. And just so you know, this is all siad tongue-in-cheek. I'm so thrilled to be pregnant, and I love all of this stuff, it's wonderful to be growing a healthy baby inside me.

Oh, and did i mention I'm HUGE? I had at least 6 people today ask me if I was due this month.

32ish weeks....Accoding to the Dr. it's only 31 weeks, but what do they know. Either way, I'm HUGE! She's still breech, but kinda at an angle, so I'm hoping she's trying to turn.  

Thoughts

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and I realize I have a habit of not being to good to myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself sometimes, I take things on that I don't need to, i expect a lot from myself.

I should add that I'm not entierly stable sometimes. I'm still what I call "funtioning depressed" - I struggle with depression now and then, but it's not to the point that I feel I need medication. I've been to counseling, I wanted to make sure that it was something manageable and that I would be able to function in ministry. I've leared ways to cope and what is important for me in order to stay healthy. Things like a scedule, eating right, spending time with people, getting plenty of rest.

Here's the problem - when I get stressed out I can't relax, which means I can't sleep. I end up not eating well because, well, I forget (thankfully forgetting to eat while pregnant is hard, so I've been doing pretty good there). I also end up cutting myself off from people because I have no energy (because people energize me and I've cut myself off from them).

Plus, I'm pregnant. Pregnancy does weird things. Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm a fairly independant and logical person - sometimes to a fault. I have no problem being on my own, finding things to do etc. I'm also logical when dealing with things, I can usually find a good, easy way to solve a problem (which keeps me from wallowing, always a good thing). But now that I'm in my 3rd tri, I just am so needy! Ben will be at his computer 10 feet away from me and I'll have this huge need to have him come and sit with me. I get upset over nothing and can't figure out how to fix it because I'm just so upset. Then I get drustrated at myself because I know that's not me. I'm not like that, really!

So a few weeks ago I had a bit of a breakdown. I was up all night crying, I had just couldn't handle it anymore. A week later I ended up crying through the whole service at church - we were doing a series on the commandments and it was the one about lying, and I realized I had been lying to everyone, telling them I was ok....I was definately not ok.

I talked with the pastor, and we've decided I need to take a break. I used to love what I did for the church, but lately it's just been hard. I blame it on myself (the pressure and expectation) and the pregnancy. I also felt guilty for a while because I wanted to take a break, I wanted to stop and just relax, and I felt like I was giving up or failing. I'm so thankful that Jess is so understanding and supportive.

So as of the end of the month I will have no official responsibilites for the church until January. It's still a little hard to admit that. Some people can handle things better I guess, but I was really almost to the point of being burnt out, especaially with all the pressures of my other job (which I'm finished with on the 20th).

I feel better now. I feel like I can breathe. I can take time for myself and not feel guilty. I plan on using the time to recharge myself, rediscover my passions - which have somehow gotten burried behind everything that "needed" to be done. And when Hana is born I'll be able to just be a mom, at least for a little while, and I'm so thrilled about that.

I'm trying to learn how to take care of myself again, to be good to myself so that I can be useful and good to others.

Photo Blog Updated

Photo blog updated! Might even be a couple belly pics on there if you look real close....

Stresses

Usually, I'm pretty good at handling stress. I get stressed out, I force myself to objectivly look at the situation and find a solution. I solve the problem, and then I indulge in whatever I feel is necesary to make me feel better.

For example, I had my gestational diabeties test this week. The test involves drinking something similar to orange pop, waiting an hour, and then having blood drawn. It's a routien thing and not a bit deal at all. Except for the blood drawn part...at least for me.

I fear needles

Fear isn't really strong enough of a word, but it will do. Now, I realize my reaction to needles is all in my head. In fact, with my history it's amazing that anything like that bothers me at all. I self injured for years, I've twoce stepped on knitting needles and had them go into my foot (one went in about 3 inches). I sew, so I've had innumerable pokes from pins and needles pretty much everywhere. And none of that bothered me.

So, on Wednesday I'm stressing about the GD test, but I'm realing with it. I planed my day to include the test (knowing when it was coming game me a time frame I was allowed to be stressed in, instead of being stressed all day). I had the test (and btw, did really well, didn't cry or pass out or hyperventalate like i usually do), and then took myself out to dinner because I deserved it.

All that to say this, usually, under normal circumstances, I can handle stress in a pretty productive way.

Pregnancy makes me not normal.

My title at the church is "Community Director" - I'm responsible for creating comunity within the church through events, activities and general just getting to know people. On good days I love my job. I'm a people person and I see a great value in people coming together, especailly people from different backgrounds ets. Since I've been pregnant it's been harder for me to do my job well, it takes a suprising ammount of energy to plan an event, especially for someone who is not a natural planner or detail oriented.

Add to that the fact that people in Calgary are busy and I turn itno a mess. After putting all of my energy (however little it was at the time) into an event and having few people come, I was almost ready to throw in the towel. Not only was it frustrating, but, being pregnant, I somtimes tended to personalize it (ok, so I thought no one came because they all hated me.....I smartened up eventually).

The last few events havn't been so much fun. Infact, they've been really stressful, and for some reason I can't just get objective and deal with it and move on. It's been really hard on me (and my wonderful husband) to deal with these things.

Fortunately, the people around me and the people I'm on staff with are amazing. I think instead of learning how to just deal with things, I need to learn to ask for help and let other people know how I'm doing more.

As it is right now, there's an event tomarrow, and for now, I'm ok with that.

14 weeks

I am (according to my ultrasound measurements) around 26 weeks pregnant. I know my ticker says 27, thats because I got it before my first scan.

Being 26 weeks pregnant means that there are only 14 weeks until the end of my pregnancy. Ok, really there are somewhere between 10 and 16 weeks left, but 14 weeks will put me at the 40 week mark, when my baby will be *done*.

I really don't know how I feel about this. I'm super excited of course, but then there's the realization that in just 3 short months (super short if they're anything like the last three months) I will have a life in my hands.

Someone asked me today if I'm nervous about being a parent. Besides the possibility of completely messing up the life of an innocent human being, I'm completely thrilled about it. I've always wanted to be a parent. I've always wanted to be able to raise a child, to pass on what I've learned, to teach them and guide them and watch them grow in all ways.

In the meantime, my precious little girl has been moving around so much I think she's trying to break out of my belly. I feel like that guy from the alien movie.

And I know, I know, no belly pic yet. It's coming, I promise. My mother's been bugging me for one too, so when she gets hers I'll post it here too.

I love my belly!

While at work tonight two people asked me when I was due (both of whom were shocked to find out I was only 5 and a half months and only carying one baby)

That was the first time it's happened to me, and I love it. Complete strangers are aware of the miracle, the life that is forming inside me. It's so wonderful I can't even understand it.

I've always wanted to be a mother. I used to joke about wanting huge ammounts of kids. To have my little girl inside me, to feel her moving and kicking, to see my growing belly and knowing it means she is growing.

so wonderful

Travelogue

I disapeared for a week.

Ok, not really, as much as I want to some times I still havn't really learned how to disappear.

I went back to NB for a week to visit my family and it was wonderful. I got to see almost everyone, which ment quite a bit of running around, but I aso got to sleep a lot, so it was ok.

In baby news, things are going well, but she seems to have put my back and hips out of alignment. In the words of my mother, i'm crooked.

I'll have pics up later, need to download them first

The deep deep love of God

The Bible is a love story. It's the typical love story really - boy creates girl, has mad passionate love for her, girl gets distracted and runs after others, this happens for centuries until the relationship is corrupted and broken, respebling nothing of what it was originally meant to be, so boy dies for girl so they can (eventually) live happily ever after.

The love of God amazes me. I just finished reading the book of Hosea (one of my favorites) and it captures this dynamic so well. As I was eading I started to cry as God spoke to me of His broken heart towards His people - the ones He has created and called and redeemed, but who still turn away. God hates divorce, but has permitted it as a last resort in cases of unfaithfulness. By His own word to Us He is free to abandon us to our pain and suffering and misery as we continue to seek after other things instead of Him. The more we reject Him and lavish our lives and our love on others the more He is justified in leaving us to the eternal consequences of our actions.

but He doesn't.

Stop reading. Go back up a few lines, think about that.

The deep love of God is to pursue us, to romance us, to awake a desire within us for Him that reflects but could never match the desire that He has for us. Even while we must face the consequences of our actions and our disobedience, He never leaves us but continually calles out for us to return to Him.

There is no lost cause in the eyes of God. Those people that we often write off as having gone too far,that feeling I'm sure most have experienced, wondering if they have crossed the line, if they can still be used by Him.


The love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star, and reaches to the lowest hell.
The guilty pair, bowed down with care. God gave his Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled, and pardoned from this sin.

O love of God how rich and pure! how measureless and strong!
It shall forever more endure. The saint's and angels song!

When years of time shall pass away, and earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men who here refuse to pray, On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God's love so sure shall still endure, All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam's race The saint's and angels song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill, And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill, And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Tho stretched from sky to sky.

O love of God how rich and pure! how measureless and strong!
It shall forever more endure. The saint's and angels song!

Thoughts on Love

Love is a much over used word. Over my life I have told many people I love them. For some close friends I can not imagine another way to express my appriciation and devotion to them. In my younger days, the phrase "I love you" would far too easily roll off my tongue.

I would have an experience with someone. They would be handsom, sweet, charming. I'd feel feminine, beautiful, sensual, and I would equate all of that with love. Eventually, the feelings would fade and I'd become withdrawn and unavailable. They would get frustrated with me and eventually end things. It was always for the best, few of them were worth my time and none were worth my heart.

My first year of Bethany, I decided to make some changes. No more flirting, no more teasing, no more giving away my heart. I made a vow not to date, to take time to know myself and those around me. This went so far that when a friend of mine tried to set me up with Ben I was dead set against it. Besides, he was not even close to my type. He was a nice guy, very sweet, a good friend, but that was all.

Over the months that Ben and I were friends, he began to woo me. I can't descibe it any other way. There was no flirting (at least not the kind I was used to), no games, no pressure. He cared for me, sought me, opened himself to me and drew me in to him. Over that year I fell in love with him, and by the time we started dating I already knew I could marry him.

There have been times in my life when I have encountered aspects of God. His power, might and creativity. I have felt alive in His presence, grown to know myself better, felt as though I could take on the world. When those feelings faded, I have become withdrawn and unavailable.

Lately, I have been drawn to the story of Hosea, of Gomer and God and the nation of Israel.

Hosea 2:14 speaks of wooing, of the lover drawing His love away from all others and "speaking kindly". I feel as though lately God has been wooing me, causing me to run away with Him, drawing me in, caring for me, opening Himself to me.

I am in awe of God, and I think now I am finally beginnig to truly fall in love with God

better late than never I guess....

I have a question...

for those of you who know how to do fancy things to your blog...i have two 26 second clips of my baby that I would like to put on my blog. They're both in avi format, but ben also has them in quicktime format. How do I make it work?

My Beautiful Baby Girl

it's a

GIRL!

pictues to follow

Provision

The way that God provides astounds me every time.

Dan and Joy almost had to leave for the States because Canada was being stupid and wouldn't let Dan have a job. After the last minute they were provided for.

Ben has gotten a new position at work, with better pay, making it more likly that I won't have to go back to work early after the baby is born.

The church is swamped because everyone is having to work bivocationally and administrative stuff takes a lot of time. There is someone interested in coming here and doing admin work.

When my heart is troubled I need to trust in God, my Jehovah Jireh, the Great Provider. All things on earth rest in His hands.

A thought on Freedom

I was talking to a friend the other day about spiritual bondage, and it got me thinking.

We are told that "If Christ has set you free, then you are free indeed." and yet very few Christians that I have met have not experiences some sort of spiritual bondage. The two don't seem to go together.

My thought is this - we are made free by Christ, but our bondage is really our inability to accapt that freedom. We are plagued by guilt, by feelings of inadequicy, by a sient hidden fear that God really doesn't love us and didn't forgive us.

I think of it this way. When we begin our lives we are chained to a wall far from God. The more "active" we are in our sinful lives the more chains bind us. When We accapt Christ, the chains are unlocked and we are free to move toward God.

Then, as we start moving forward, we are smetmes held back by those same chains. They arn't wrapped around us, bidning us anymore, but trailing behind us so that we are pretty much unaware until we reach their limit - like a dog who forgets they're tied in a yard.

Then there comes a choice - do we remove the chain that Christ has already unlocked, or, because that sounds just completely too simple, do we struggle against it, pulling and trying until it breaks.

Both methods may free us from the chain, but I think the struggle method ignores the freedom that Christhas given us.

For when we are set free, we are free indeed.

Now, I admit that there are some chains that we are unaware of, that we refuse to acknowledge or that we are stubborn and will not walk away from. Those ones are more difficult because each of those situations adds chains of their own.

As I have grown in Christ I have had to deal with my chains. One of the most difficult was my self injury and all the things associated with it. It took me a long time to be able to end that battle, and I couldn't understand why. Why would God forgive me and free me, and then leave me there to struggle.

I'm starting to understand now that the struggle was not me having to battle and break this bondage, but my needing to get over myself, my guilt and insecurities, and accapt the freedom that God has so graciously lavished on me. There were still struggles associated with it, still consequences that needed to be delt with, but that is made much easier when we have the assurance that the battle is over, that we are truly free.

There are so many people I know that live their lives in a struggle, in a constant never ending battle with their past, fighting to keep it away from who they are in Christ. That is not the life that God intends us to live.

If Christ has set you free, then you are free indeed.


we will walk in Your freedom, walk in Your liberty
We will dance in Your freedom, dance in Your liberty

I'm free
I'm free
I'm free
I'm free

Just a question....

you know those little "type theletters into the box" security things they have? Is there a reason why the letters are all skwed and odd looking? Or why on some sites you can't even realy tell what the letters are because they have little wooshes and such going through them? Wouldn't it be just as useful to have normally written letters? Is there a purpose for the skewing and the wooshes?

ok, so that was more than just a questions....but still...

unloading

A few months ago I became aware of a situation. Someone I know who is in ministry had...an issue...that could potentially caused a moral failure or have harmed their ministry. As a concerned friend I of course asked if others, especially those in a position over this person, were aware of the issue. I was assured that there was accountability in place and that things were going well.

The more I learned about this person's struggle with this issue I became concerned. It seemed as though instead of "fleeing" temptation it was being fed. I could see a possible progression in what was happening, or at least more honesty about how deep the issue was.

I hurt for my friend. I had conviction that this issue could be addressed and healed. I also had conviction that in the current situation, where the problem was being fed, it would be almost impossible for it to not become more of a struggle.

Anyone who knows me knows my stand on holding one another accountable. We are called to spur one another on. Instead of telling those who haven't made a choice to follow God how to live we should be holding each other to the standards that we have chosen to align ourselves with. In this situation I was torn on how to do that.

I went for help. I talked to my Sr. Pastor, he advised me to talk with my DS. Those were the most difficult conversations I had ever had. It was hard to share something I had said I would keep in confidence. It was hard to retain the anonymity of those involved, simply because I wanted to balance the picture by praising all their good works.

I was advised to talk to the individual's Sr. Pastor, without first telling the individual. That was a difficult thing to hear, it went against my gut, but at the same time felt right. The reasoning was that this person had daily opportunities to tell their Sr. Pastor about this issue, by seeking accountability they obviously were aware that it was a problem. They chose to keep it hidden, and all hidden things must come to light.

It took a lot of prayer and fasting, pleading with God for a simpler solution. Hoping and praying that everything would resolve in healing and a healthy ministry.

That didn't happen. Because of our (Ben and myself) actions two people have (temporarily?) broken contact with us. It hurts. The way we were told the situation was handled hurts. The harm that was caused unnecessarily hurts.

So why am I putting all this up for anyone to read? Because I need to get it out. I feel as though I should feel ashamed, but I don't. I honestly think...know, that the right thing was done, even if it doesn't look like that now.

Part of me also hopes (prays) that those involved, perhaps even by accident, stumble on this. We have respected their wishes not to contact them, but it is hard.

We want to apologize...not for our actions, but because we were not able to be there to care for them and support them through this. We mourn the loss of them in our lives.

I write all this with a heavy heart. Since I was first told of the situation my heart has been broken, and because of the lack of reconciliation, I feel like I can't heal. I can't go to others for comfort because no one else needs to know, and any comfort they could offer wouldn't really fix the problem. I am broken over this.

I do wish things could have gone differently. I wish what all was back n place. Some days I wish I hadn't said anything. When I go to God I am comforted, when I listen to Him I know that what was done needed to be, and that He will work to bring healing to all involved.

My prayer is that those involved will be healed and strenthened. That their lives will be rich with blessings and growth in God. I want the relationships lost to be restored. I pray for healing for us all.

a lot of things

i feel frustrated nd hurt and confused, and yet more alive and passionate than i have felt for quite a while.

The past year has been a blurr. In the past year(ish) i have:
- lived alone in my first apartment
- graduated
- gotten married
- moved across the country
- started working at a church
- been bivocational
- learned how to drive a stick
- traveled to South Dakoda and Chicago
- quit 3 jobs
- gotten an appartment
- gotten pregnant

that's a lot to cram into a year. I think my brain sort of shut down for most of it, and now is starting to wake up. I almost feel like I've missed the last year

so part of me is grieving - grieving over wasted time, missed opportunities, forgotten moments and neglected relationships

and part of me is excited - i feel the joy over all of these events that I didn't really get to experience because of all the stress (good and bad) involved in each event

Then there are all the new/regular things I need to deal with. I've come to a few concusions lately - and I know there are things that need to change in my life, but due to some circumstances, I feel a little stuck.

The best thing of all is that my passion is returning - my desires, my drive, my heart for God and those around me. Instead of existing I want to live, want to make a difference, want to experience all that there is around me.

I love being pregnant right now. Every now and then I wonder if I can feel the life that is inside me moving around. Maybe it's wishful thinking...maybe not. Either way it's a wonderful thought. Everytime I see anything baby related I sort of tear up a little with anticipation. I heard the heartbeat yesterday and a lot of my fears and worries are melting away.

I love being married. We've been husband and wife for a year and I have grown more and more in love with Ben and more proud and apriciative of who he is.

THi has been a big year, and I have a feeling things won't slow down for a while. And I'm thrilled

Update

I know, I know, I hardly bog anymore, but it's not anything personal....I just hardly do anything anymore lol

Ben and I went for my first OB appointment today! It was really good - I liked the Dr. A lot. There are 6 docters in the office and one of them will do the delivery, so I'll have appointments with all of them. We heard the heart beat :) it was 144 bpm which is really good. It was wonderful. The only thing I didn't llike about the appointment was that they changed my due date from Nov. 4th to Nov. 11th baised on the ultrasound measurements. I'm not convinced. We'll wait and see what happens at the ultrasound net month.

Other than that things are going really well - I have more energy and am geeling really good most days. I'll be missing family campt this year (sorry Glo!) because the travel would be difficult - 14 + hours in a car while 5+ months pregnant just doesn't sound like a good time. I'll be home in New Brunswick the second wek of July (7th-15th) visiting.

and I'll try and update more often...i promise...

this is funny

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say hi to my baby!

go to sapfotoes.blogspot.com to see more

Ultrasound Jitters

My ultra sound is on Tuesday, and I'm so excited. I'm also really scared. I thought it would be just so reassuring to see the baby and know tht everything is alright, but what if we see that it isn't. What if there is an abnormality? What if it is measuring smaller than it's supposed to? What if there are three or four babies in there? I know there's no reason to be so nervous and I know the chances of everything being just great are high, but I still get nervous. Prayers over the next week will really be aprciated

Lately.....

- Things have been pretty stressful at work, getting used to a new manager and a bunch of changes has been frustrating on everyone. The good news is one of the people I work with is becomming a good friend.

- I've been feeling much better. I'm not so nausious anymore and I'm getting my apitite and energy back. I still need 10 hours of sleep a night and sometimes a nap in the evenings, but I don't feel like I'm going to fall asleep on my feet anymore.

- Joy (who will be poping out twins on June 7th or sooner) looked at me the other day and said in a very serious tone "I just have a feeling you're having twins"

- I have my first ultrasound next Tuesday, which will confirm that there is only one baby....i hope....lol

- Ben got a raise! not much, but always helpful

- We had 56 people at church on Sunday (60 if you count the custodian and the unborns)

- I have a lot of really good things I want to blog, it just never seems to happen lately

Stress and pain

THe last two weeks have been hard and horrible. No, there is nothing wrong with the pregnancy, this has nothing to do at all with me being pregnant, except that the extra hormones have caused me to cry a lot more in the last two weeks than I have for a very long time.

Things with family, things with friends, things with work have all been really hard this week. God is amazing though, He prepared me and has been with me, even when I was foolish enough to forget it. Right now I just feel very empty and alone. Some days part of me wants to just pack up and go somewhere else, try again, start over - but I know that isn't what I really want or need to do. I love it here, and I know this is where I am to be, at least for now. Some days I wonder if I can really do this - whatever this happens to be at the time.

I hope all of the rotteness of the last two weeks is over. I hope I can relax and enjoy this week. I know that God will take care of everything, but sometimes in the waiting it's hard.

Joys of pregnancy

I'm 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. So far I havn't acutally been sick, but I do feel pretty nausous most of the time. And tired, so so very tired! I feel so sluggish most of the time, but still manage to get things done. I'm also very teary the last few days, but have so far managed not to make a public specticle of myself.

Other than that, being pregnant is amazing. And those little problems are really no problem at all. It's nothing I can't handle and nothing I would want to trade for anything in the world. I have a little baby growing inside me - a whole little person who's being formed. I can't wait til I start showing and I'm so excited to actually feel the baby moving inside me. It still feels unreal most of the time.

I also have to keep myself from worrying. I'm eating well and getting enough sleep, taking my vitamines and such, so I know really there's nothing to worry about, but there are things that we can't control, and it's hard for me to trust God's power when I feel so powerless.

I'm loving being pregnant. It's an amazing and indescribable feeling.

Joy of Joys

I've been trying to tell as many people as possible personally, but some of you are just too bloody hard to get a hold of!

I found out on Friday that Ben and I will be having a baby. From my calculations I'm 5 weeks pregnant, we have a Dr. appointment on Wednesday so we'll have a better idea then.

We've been wanting and hoping for a baby for, well, since we got married really, and we couldn't be more happy or excited.

Amazing God

Is't it amazing how wrong we can be sometimes. Isn't it such a shame how we allow fears to drive us instead of folowing what God wants us to do, even when we claim to know that He will never do anything to harm us. Except i don't think fear is the real problem, because it's usually not fear for our lives that stops us, but fear for our reputation, fear of changing how others view us, which is not fear at all, but pride.

I've been working through some stuff lately, and the result is wonderful, even when part of me feared that to deal with this issue would destroy me. My past was haunting me again, but God has shown me that it has no power over me, that He has already redeemed me, and now it is up to me to claim my position as His chosen.

I Will Celebrate

Today marks five years that I have lived without intentionally harming myself. Yes, it's also Valentines day, but I've never really needed an excuse to tell those close to me that I love them. The two days have absolutely nothing to do with eachother, except that I am reminded of just how much God loves me.


Five years ago, after telling God that He had to fix me or I was giving up, it was as if the Spirit gave a sigh of relief. God had been trying to get to me, trying to show me that He would love me deeper than I had been hurt, that His care would go further than the damage that had been done, that He would mould me back into the person that He created me to be, the person that He always saw me as. And finally I let Him.

No, it didn't happen instantly, well, at least not all of it. For much of my life up to that point I had lived with what I called the shadow. It was the darkness and heaviness that seemed to consume me, the voice in my head telling me all the horrible things about myself that I wished weren't true. When I worke up on Feb 14 2001 the shadow was gone. I smiled. I felt alive in a way that I had very seldom experienced. For the first time in years I wore a skirt without shorts underneath to hide my scars (or blood from possible additions). It was my day. I was free. Free to start healing.

Healing has been a long process. Everything didn't just go away, I had to deal with issues....I still have to deal with some of them. But I learned God's immense love.

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higer than this wordly place
Longer than the road I traveled
Wider than the gap You fill


I wish I could truly express the truth of that song. I thought that if God knew the depths of my sin, of my pain, of what I had gone through, He would abandon me. I have learned in the last five years that God can take the most horrible circumstances and use them for His glory. I thought that if people knew the secrets I kept that they would say horrible things to me and about me....I learned that most people have amazing understanding and grace, and when they don't, God makes up for it. I thought that I would be forever struggling, forever crippled, forever bound to the cycle of pain.

I have learned what it means to be free.

There are still days that the thoughts enter my mind, but it's more like a memory than a desire. This time of year is especially hard on me, but it gets better each time.

Today was my day, and it was good. Each day I live is a gift that I was ready to throw away, and I am so thankful for God's grace and patience and all He has done for me.

Ritual Mourning

today is a bad day. It's an intentional bad day tho, so it's not all bad. Let me explain...

Hello, my name is stephanie, i'm a recovering cutter
(hi stephanie)

From the time i was in fifth grade until 5 years ago today i was a cutter. things weren't always good, and then they got bad, that was my way of dealing with it. Sometimes i would hurt myself (i also burrned and tried other forms of self harm) multiple times a day, sometimes i would go for months without even thinking about it. I thought i was a freak, that i was a horrible awful person, then i realized that there are a lot of people who had the same problem (estimates are between 5 and 10% of the population, but i would guess higher) and i started calling myself a cutter. it was a badge of honour and shame, a secret hidden part of me that few could know about.

I tried to stop a few times, it seemed simple, just don't do it. It's not that simple. There are chemices released whenever a person is injured that bring a calming feeling, and like any other chemicle, it can be addictive. There were days that even when I didn't want to cut I *needed* to, and then any time life got hard again it was impossible to resist. I couldn't go for help, I couldn't even tell God about it, I felt disgusting.

Finally, February 13, 2001, I had enough. I felt fake, numb, lifeless, horrible and I was sick of it. I gave God an ultimatum - either He fixed me or I was done with life. I had cut that night, and the night before, and a few times the day before that, and I was sick of it. I refused to live that way any longer.

That night was one of the worst I can remember. And I refuse to forget it. God delivered me - I will celebrate (and explain) that deliverance tomarrow, but tonight I remember. I don't want to forget what I went through, what I came from, what God did in my life. Like the worman who poured oil on Jesus' feet - i love much because i have been forgiven much.

Out of town

Ben and I are heading down to Rapid City SD for the pastors and wives....i mean spouses retreat. See you next Friday!

Fighting Well

One of the girls I work with asked me the other day if Ben and I ever fight. If you know me, you know the answer. I am a passionate fighter from a long line of good distinguished fighters both of the inebriated and non-inebriated persuasion. Over the years I've trained in various aruments and debates, honing my skills. What you may not realize if you know Ben and I is that he is a fighter as well.

Maybe I should clarify what I mean by fighting, I wouldn't want to start any nasty rumers or have anyone having misconceptions about our relationship. What I mean by fighting is that Ben and I stand up for what we think, feel, and believe, we're honest in those three areas which inevitably leads to disagreements which need to be sorted out.

It took Ben a while to learn how to fight. His (and most people's) reaction to conflight is to run and hide or otherwise make it go away. Basically he would back down in hopes of making me happy. It was a sweet gesture, but wasn't what i wanted.

There is something so special in knowing someone is willing to stand up for what they think, that they will passionatly share with you waht is in their heart and try and make you understand, even if the process is difficult. Arguments, disagreemnts, fights, whatever you want to call them, allow us to get to know one another, makes sure that there is nothing interfeaing with the relationship. But only if it is done well.

Ben and I have learned how to fight well. Or should I say we're learning how to fight well. Usually we can get through a disagreement wihtut any feelings hurt, but we're not perfect. We have rules. We can't go back over thigns that are already delt with. Thats been hard for me, i tend to bring up old stuff, it gets ugly. I've also had to learn to not raise my voice so much (and Ben has learned to raise his a bit). We also can't make things bigger than they are. We can deal with being frustrated because something isn't done, dealing with soeone being a complete and utter failure is a bit harder.

The most important thing about fighting well is to always clear the air before the end of the day. There are times that we do leave the situation still angry because sometimes fights start before work etc. but the day can't end until we're settled, happy, and have a greater understanding of eachother. We're not trying to win, we're not trying to be right, we're trying to understand and be understood.

On Being Married

Have I mentioned how much I love my husband and how great it is to be married? No, ok then, I should start doing that more often.

I've also realized since being married that men and women really do have some funimental differences in how they think. At first I thought it was just Ben and I but the more I talk to other womena nd other couples I think it's a bit more universal.

First off, men have many fewer emotions than women. I think Ben has 4 (don't worry, he knows i'm blogging about this and finds the difference qite funny too). If he is feeling something it must fit into these four emotions, or he really doesn't know what to do with it, so he dismisses it. Women, on the other hand have many many emotions to choose from. Now, in my oppinion that makes communicationa little easier - you only need to clarify a few personal connotations instead of engaging in full fledged 20 questions to learn how the other person is feeling, but i've learned that, if i'm persistant, i can usually figure out what type of "happy" ben means if he says he's happy.

Another difference i've noticed is that men have the ability to not think. Women on the other hand have the ability to think various thoughts at the same time. It's like having layers of thought...one layer might be going over a song thats stuck in your head, another writing a list of things that need to be done, another mentaly writing an email to a friend and another listening to whatever is happening. This is usually natural all the time for women, every now and then something takes up a cople extra layers and we sem distracted, but usually we can cope fairly well. Rarely have i known a woman to be thinking nothing. they may say their thinking nothing, but they know that there was somehting going through their brain. Men on the otherhand can answer "nothing" quite honestly. It's taking me some time to get used to this.

These are just a couple observations so far, i'll share more as i keep learning

This is what you see when you enter our house

Happyness Anyone?

There is something different about me. I try to explain it but all that comes out it s"I'm happy". Now for those of you who know about my history, no, I wasn't depressed again. I actually don't remember being not happy. But there is a definate difference in how I feel this week comepared to...well...before. I don't get it, but I like it. I sing, and I laugh, and I play with kids and share moments with friends. I did all that before this new happy feeling, but now it's different. It means more.

I donno, I don't get it, but I love it. I'm sitting here smiling at my computer.

P.S. pictures of new ugly apparment to come

Testing/Exercising Faith

I believe in God's power. I have seen God provide for people in amaizing ways, including myself. And yet I still sometimes have trouble believing it will happen. I still doubt, I still try to take care of things or provide for myself.

Life this new job. I had been wanting for months to quit at La Senza, but it never felt like the right thing to do. A few times I actually got up the nerve to apply for a job but didn't get it (which is very odd in this city, there are more jobs than people to work them, and I was always qualified) which was very discouraging and heart breaking. I couldn't understand why God was making me stay there and telling me it wasn't the right place for me at the same time.

Then, through contacts from La Senza I got my new job. It's not perfect, but it's good. And the people I work with are great. For ministry, it's a pretty strategic place to be. God took care of me, even through my doubts and unbelief.

Not that I don't believe tho....that's the thing. I just don't know how to use my faith. I dn't know how to live my belief sometimes. It's hard to trust, even when I know.

Miss Me?

I know, I havn't blogged for a long time. It's been a crazy month. Ben and I are almos tsettled in, my new job is great and I honestly and truly feel happy and at peace. Not that I havn't been happy or peaceful lately, I was just really stressed. I hadn't realized how much pressure I felt from work. My new job is much less stress, even though things are a bit hectic right now.

I'm also realizing how much I like communicating with people. To all my friends, I miss you. I don't have any long distance right now and I've lost most people's emails (i know, I'm horrible at keeping in touch) my email is sperry@the summit.ca if you want to say hi....I'd appriciate it.

I'm also learning a lot of thigns lately, but I'm trying to keep things to one major idea per blog, so you'll have to wait til later to find out what.