Sunday, January 28, 2007

Just a thought.....

Maybe if people would smile more they'd forget the reasons they don't

Maybe if we actually acknowledged the people we walk by every day no one would feel all alone in the world.

Maybe if every purghess had a 3 day waiting period we'd all be less in debt.

Maybe if we learned to forgive ourselves we'd have an eaiser time forgiving other people.

Maybe if we ate cookies or ice cream more often we'd be happier.

Maybe if we trusted eachother we'd get hurt less often.

Maybe if we let ourselves be loved we'd be able to love others.

Maybe if we turned off the TV we'd find other things we're interested in.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Waking up

I feel almost like I've been asleep for a long time. That foggy place between being fully rested and still exhausted. I am at a point when I realize I need to heal, and at the same time realize that is what I've been doing the last few months.

Last year was hard. I think most of the hard was due to overactive emotions caused by pregnancy. I think without those I would have been able to handle everything else much better. On the flip side, I think without all the other things I would have enjoyed my pregnancy much more.

I'm laughing a lot again. Not that I wasn't laughing before. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't fully me. Like in a dream when you half know something but not really. I can't really explain it, but it's there.

I'm realizing that I need to settle. That I need a home, a routine, some predictability in my life. Too much has happened, too much has changed. Since I graduated high school I havn't lived in any one place for more than a year. We've been in this appartment since Jan. 1 2006 so it's the running winner, but it's still not home. It's not ours. Trust me, if it were ours it wouldn't look like this. I want a home. I want a place I can have a bath, paint the walls, not have to look at orange vynle.

Someday we'll be settled, and we'll rest, and then I'll start to get that itch for something new again I'm sure.

Sunday, January 21, 2007


I broke my toe. My left index toe to be exact. I stubbed it on Hana's swing. Stupid swing. Ok, not so stupid swing, she loves sitting in it and chatting to the horses...or the bars, or whatever it is she sees above her to the left. Now I know why some people think babies see ghosts. Ok, I'm rambling, time for bed.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Don't ask the "Experts"

Disclaimer - I debated whether or not I should blog about this because I don't want anyone to think I'm passing judgement on their parenting style. My problem isn't with how people choose to parent, people do what they sincerely believe is best. My problem is with some of the experts and what they reccomend parents do.

When I was pregnant I spent a lot of my time online looking at parenting websites, reading books and visiting parenting message boards. Like anything I didn't really know a lot about, I wanted to discet it and look at it from every angle. I had never been a parent before, I wanted to do my best, and so I turned to the "experts" to learn what I should do.

A lot of things shocked me. The first was the idea of "spoiling" a child by responding to their cries, picking them up, and nursing/rocking them to sleep. The rationalization of this idea is that if a child is always responded to when they cry, then they will learn to cry to get what they want, and will end up manipulating their parents etc. It's not a good idea to pick a baby up too much because it will cause her to become clingy and will hinder independance. It's a bad idea to rock or nurse a baby to sleep because then they will form a strong sleep association and won't be able to put themselves back to sleep if they wake in the night.

All of the above went against everything I had imagined about being a parent. I had daydreams of keeping my baby close and comforting her when she cried, of holding her in my arms, of rocking her to sleep at night, feeling this warm bundle close to me. To read that I wasn't going to be able to enjoy any of that was very sad.

Now, I admit, I may be taking things much more strictly than the "experts" intend, but after hearing people around me, friends and family, say things like "cry ing is good for her", "you'll regret holding her so much" and "she needs to learn to put herself to sleep" it's obvious to me that my first reactions to the advice of experts is how many others have taken it as well (and keep in mind that I've heard all of this and my daughter is only 11 weeks old).

Now, with my limited understanding of human psycology, the idea of spoiling an infant is just insane. From a completely secular and evolutionist standpoint, humans are at the very least mamals. As mamals, infants have certain instincts and reflexes that are ther to insure their survival. Likewise, mothers are hormonaly wired to respond in certain ways to their infants.
Babies try to communicate with those around them, but, being new to the world, they don't use the same language we do, so we need to learn to speak their language.

Babies do not cry to manipulate their parents. That whole idea is just completely insane. Yes, older children will cry and throw fits to get their own way (especially when this behaviour is proven effective) but babies don't. In the world of an infant there are basic needs - human contact (which is vital for regulating internal systems - heartrate, breathing, digestion, temperature, the internal clock etc.), food, sleep, and comfort. When one of these needs isn't being met, they signal to those around them that there is a problem. A week or so of being with Hana and I could tell what it was she needed, usually with pretty good accuracy (once I got over the idea that every time she needed something she must be hungry). When the babies signals aren't noticed and her needs aren't met, they move on to a stronger signal, crying. Babies cry because something is not right in their world, and, being babies, they do not have the ability to make it right.

I learned with Hana that if I responded to her rooting around, or grimacing, or reaching for me, then she didn't cry. Now, she does cry sometimes because I can't figure out what it is she wants, or it takes longer than she thinks it should (especially when she's tired, but we all get a little more impatient when we're tired), but for the most part she doesn't have a need to cry. I couldn't imagine leaving her in her room at night to "cry it out" - everything in me compels me to go to her when she has a need, and I really don't know how people ignore it. Even when Ben is letting me sleep while he takes care of Hana it's hard for me to stay in bed and not go to her if she cries, knowing that Ben is there to help her.

And with the whole cry it out thing, I do not know of one adult who would rather cry themselves to sleep than to fall asleep in the arms of someone they love. This world is new to babies, of course they need a little help soothing themselves and going to sleep. Crying themselves into a fit of exhaustion may work, but is it really healthy? I know a lot of kids who hate going to bed, who wake up in the middle of the night and go to their parents rooms, who don't want to be left alone in their rooms, and I don't blame them. They learned at the very beginning that when they were alone in their room in the dark, their needs were not met.

I could go on, and I might some other time, because this really hits me hard. I feel like many new parents will go to these experts, be told to go against their instincts, and will end up at a loss for how to relate to and take care of their baby.

I keep Hana with me during the day. Right now she's napping in my lap while I type. She does nap in her crib if I need to shower or something, but if I can sit here and watch her sleep, I take advantage of it. When I do the dishes she sits in her bouncy seat and watches me, I talk to her. When I'm shopping or just doing things around the house, I put her in the wrap and she does everything with me. When she needs some "alone" time she lets me know (looks away, doesn't reach out to me etc.) and I lay her down to play or put her in her swing and she's content.

I'm not afraid of spoiling her, food spoils, babies don't. She has her whole life to learn to be independant, and I will teach and encourage it as she is able ot meet her own needs, but until then I will keep her in a position where I can easily meet them.

Monday, January 15, 2007


Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart

So does this mean that God is where our desires come from? Or does it mean that our desires willbe filled by God?

I think it's both. I think the closer we move to the heart of God, the more our pulse becomes in sync with His, and through time our desires are moulded to reflect His. At the same time, the story of God and man is a love story, with God consistantly wanting to bring us joy and peace and love and delight. All good and perfect gifts come from Him, and He alone fulfills our desires.

WIth God there is so much good, even in the midst of trials and heartache, he is there to be our delight.

Saturday, January 13, 2007


This is something I wrote last November and re-read today when looking for something else. I needed to hear it, it gives me hope.

I believe in holiness.

I believe it is possible to live a day to day life without intentional sin.

I believe that when/if we unintentionally sin and are made aware of it we need to confess and repent.

I believe it is possible to gain victory over habitual sins.

I believe when we sin we are responsible, it is not "because we're human" but because we are choosing to live in disobedience to God.

I believe that when we are forgiven we are clean and righteous in the eyes of God.

I believe God wants to work in each individual life and lead people into a lifestyle of obedience and holiness.

I belive sin interrupts our relationship with God, making it harder for us to be used by Him.

I believe no sin is unforgivable except for denying Christ through whom we gain forgiveness.

I believe that you can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest.

I believe that in true Christian community we are responsible for holding each other accountable, to confessing to one another as needed and upholding each other in prayer and support.

I believe that the world is seeking something true, genuine, life changing and does not accept Christianity because they do not see these key characteristics.

I believe that Christians are not only held accountable for the wrong they do but also the right they do not do.

I believe there is a life free from struggle and characterized with victory.

I believe that as a whole we have sold out and settle for a life that is less than what God intended, for a life free from condemnation but not free from bondage. I beleive that we allow ourselves to indulge in sin because we have accapted the lie that we will never be free. I believe that Christians who allow their brothers and sisters to intentionally sin are supporting disunity in the Body. I believe that pride and arogance are as harmful and damaging as adultery and murder. I believe that a relationship with God should be evident in the day to day and not only in church attendance. I beleive that we have diluted the powerful healing transforming work of God into a message of "try your best and see how it goes". I believe that the reason people don't experience victory over habitual sin is because they are not taught that it is possible. I believe that on our own we will continue to sin, and agree with Paul that it is no longer we who live, but Christ in us, and through Him all things are possible.

I believe that the body has been wounded by false teaching, false expectations and false pride.

I believe that there are those who have experienced freedom and victory, and that their stories should be told and heard.

I beleive that there is healing and hope and peace available to us as we turn our hearts towards Christ.

I beleive there are those seeking a fuller life and finding it.

I beleive that those who are living victorious will be beacons of light for the rest of the body.

I believe the Spirit is moving and calling us to a standard that we cannot attain on our own.

I believe in a closer walk with God, a deeper experience with Him and a more effective life as a result.

I believe holiness is a decision, but cannot be accomplished by our will, is an act of God, and that we have our part, is personal and is corperate.

I believe that coming to God is a process and that each day new areas may be revealed to be surrended, and that through the whole process we can be called holy.

I believe that when the world sees the change that happens in a life as a result of an encounter with God they will be drawn to Him.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Life in a list

- my email is changing, as The Summit closed in November. My new email is perry.stephanie at gmail.

- I'm taking a couple years off from my quest towards ordination, mostly because I'm loving being a mom so much.

- We still don't know what we're doing after this summer. Feel free to offer suggestions.

- I sometimes wish this blog was more anonymous, but at the same time enjoy being part of a community online with people I actually know. Like most things it's a paradox.

- I have a few good posts that I'm working on, but Hana's naps have been a little more irratic lately.

- I really miss people, if anyone wants to come visit they're more than welcome.

- I have conformed and joined facebook.

- I really need to get out of the house

- if my msn is on, say Hi, I'm usually around playing with Hana, but having a conversation with someone who talks back is always nice.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Back to normal....sort of....

We got home on the weekend (home means Calgary in this post, whereas home meant NB in the last one...keep up people ;)) and it's good to be back. It was so wonderful being with family, but nice to have our own space as well.

I can't get over how well Hana handled the travel. She was more fussy those two weeks than normal, but she was completely off her routine, she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing all day, and that's hard on a little one. When we got home she was still a bit fussy, and chewing on things, and a bit drooly...yeah, you know where I'm going with 9 week old daughter started TEETHING!

I can't get her to open her mouth long enough to get a picture, but Hana has a little white tooth part sticking up out of her lower gum. It's only the size of the head of a pin, but it's white and hard and rather tooth like, and the gum around it is rather bumpy (she likes when I rub her gums, I've become rather familiar with them), and I can't believe it! It could take another month before it completely comes up (oh joy), but really it doesn't seem to bother her too much. It's harder for her to get to sleep, and she can't quite get the hang of chewing on things because of the tongue thrust reflex, but so long as I can rub her gums and put her in the wrap for her naps she's not doing too bad.

She's also started sleeping extremely well. She finishes about 6 oz at around 10 pm, and then sleeps through til 5, then goes back to sleep til about 9. I am so thrilled! I really do have the best baby in the world!

In other news, life is pretty good. Ben and I think we've found a church here that we can be part of, work is going well for him, and life at home is good for me.

Oh, and I'll let Tyler and Denise post the details of Caylee's birth, mostly because I don't want to take that away from them, but also because I'm fuzzy on the details (I was too excited when Tyler called to really pay much attention).

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Being Home

This has been a wonderful trip so far. It's so nice being with friends and family. I hadn't really realized how isolated Ben and I are in Calgary now, especially me since I don't work anymore. Being home, it's like we never left, and that's wonderful and comforting.

We still haven't made a decision on where we'll be after July, so don't get too excited.

In other news, I'd like to welcome Caylee Mae to the world! She was born Friday, Dec. 29th, 5 weeks(ish) early and a healthy 6lbs 10 oz. Congrats to Tyler and Denise!