Saturday, February 21, 2009


I'm very proud of myself right now.

I just designed this:

It's a mug cozy. I found a pattern for a similar one. Well, kinda similar. It had a bottom, and the top wasn't attached, and it was a different stitch pattern. I made it, and liked it, er, except for the above changes. So I came up with my own. Charted the pattern and everything.

It took less than 5 hrs start to finish.

Now I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Thrown Away

Has anyone else noticed the absurdity of disposable products?

A few months ago I saw a comercal for paper plates. The point was you have more important things in life than doing dishes, so just throw everything out. Brilliant, right? Never mind that most people have dishwashers, and if you don't doing dishes only takes about 20 minutes anyway. Because really, watching tv or checking email is way more important. Sure, they make it seem like you're going to spend time with family, but let's be honest, if you have time to be online you have time to do dishes.

Things like that frustrate me a lot. Ben and I work really hard to not use dispible products. Because really, buying something with the intnet of using it once and throwing it out, especially when there are other re-usable products that accomplish the same thing, rediculous.

We use rags instead of paper towels, wash cloths instead of napkins for the kids, microfiber instead of swiffer, cloth diapers and I have a Diva cup. I figure we save at least 50$ a month (altho Hana is in disposables right now because she refuses to potty and I can't afford bigger diapers for her right now, but we're working on potty training) just by doing a two extra loads of laundry a week.

Yes, extra laundry, which does mean extra water and extra power. However, when you take into consideration the resources used in manufacturing as well as the wast from the packaging and the products themselves, we're still coming out ahead.

The only downside I can see to reusable products is that they don't really benefit the economy any. Well, except for reusable bags. I buy one of those a month when I forget to bring one with me.

Monday, February 16, 2009


Know what, I'm a bit of an idiot

See, there are certain topics I refrain from posting on here because of what I assume my readership is :namely those from BBC who find my blog through Matthew's links (thanks Matthew!).

See, when I was at Bethany, I was, er, different. Well, not my first year. My first year I was loud and outspoken and had an opinion on things. I quickly learned that wasn't the way to go, toned back and kept my mouth shut. It was a survival instinct. I had tried finding another school, but no one offered my program. So I sucked it up.

So now there are things I think and say that surprise some people. I know this because one of my friends emailed me because she had heard I was "saying some controversial stuff" and wanted to make sure I wasn't completely heathen. As fun as it was to think I mattered enough to be gossiped about, it kinda made me rethink things. See, as much as I own my opinions, I still have this nagging need to have people like me. Flying under the radar again becomes my default.

Now, I've branched out. There are people who read this that have never even heard of BBC, it's not something that defines me anymore, and so it really makes no sense to have it define my thoughts (or at least how I express them).

Not that I really think anything I have to say is all that controversial. I just want to be able to use this as a sounding board for the things I'm working through. Of course, comments are always appriciated. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me why you disagree, build me up and teach me things I don't know. Let's have a conversation.

Well, assuming that people are still reading

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


It's a wonderful thing to feel normal. To know that what you think, feel, believe and experience is validated by others. To be told there is nothing wrong with you, that someone understands, that it's ok because you're not the only one who does it. Normalizing is a powerful thing. It's also very dangerous.

One thing that humans as a society have come up with in order to live with each other are social rules, along with taboos. The ability to shame people for being different keeps most people in line. Those it doesn't work on weren't really seen as a threat because their numbers were so few. They were isolated, and heard mentality ruled.

Then came the internet. And suddenly, everything is normal. You can find anything on the internet, including people who will agree with almost any position. Suddenly there is no more shame, no more isolation, and you can follow the heard right into your own version of normal.

When I had my issues with self-injury was when I started spending more time online. One of the things I found was a support forum for cutters. That site simultaniously keep me sane and drove me crazy. It basically kept me right on the edge between healthy enough where I wouldn't need to cut and messed up enough to where I was a real danger to myself. Finally I had people who understood, I didn't have to feel guilty and ashamed, I was ok. It was ok. They did it too. It couldn't be so bad. It was normal.

See the problem?

To this day I have a hard time on those sites. As much as I would love to be a support for others, to show them that recovery is possible, I just can't do it. I don't have enough strength to remember that normal is not the same as good.

It's like holding an AA meeting at a bar.

I don't know how the culture can combat this. In some ways it's good - things are being brought to light that shouldn't have been hidden in the first place. Victims are being given validation, closure and healing as they come together. Cultures are being de-mystified and understanding is being shared.

In other ways it's a very dangerous thing, as not all information being shared is good and not all shame is bad. There are some things that should never be seen as normal.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Hana - 27 months

Hana is two. Every day I'm both reminded and amazed that she's two. Sometimes she seems so much older - she pretends, she plays, she understands, she shows empathy and she has the most hillarious conversations. Other times she reminds me just how frustrating being two can be - she doesn't always understand why she can't do things, she can't always express exactly what it is she wants or needs. She has big emotions that are hard for her little self to handle.

Her big thing lately is playing pretend. She loves playing in her kitchen and making dinner. I'll be sitting feeding Eli and she comes over with a plate and fork and tells me it's very good. She even sits one of her toys up at her table so she can feed it. It's ver cute. She has a play phone that she uses all the time and chats away while she does other things (wonder where she gets that....) and she loves playing with her own keyboard and mouse.

She loves doing things with me, no matter what I'm doing she wants to help and be part of it. IT can make things take longer osmetimes, but I love getting her involved. During Eli's nap I wrap her on my back while I make dinner and she thinks it's just the best thing ever.

The best thing lately is that she's finally (mostly) sleeping. After fighting to get her to sleep until midnight for a couple of weeks, we decided to cut out her nap. THings were difficult for a week or so, but she's settling into the new routine now. Best part is, she goes to bed at 7 and sleeps until 6 with only one wake up! Half the time she's not even really awake, she just comes out of her room, asks for Ben and then goes right back to sleep. Much better than being up with her for an hour or more, or her being up three times a night!

SHe's teaching me a lot right now. How to be patient, how to stay calm, how to frigure out what is really important. We have our moments, but things are much better right now than I thought they would be. I want to teach her how to handle her feeling when she just wants to explode. I want to show her how to communicate how she feels instead of just screaming and yelling. I want to let her know it's ok to feel frustrated and annoyed and disappointed sometimes. I want to let her know that I am aalways there to help her, no matter how bad my day is, no matter what time ofthe night it is. I want her to always know how much I love her and how blessed I am that she is my baby girl.