Friday, May 12, 2006

a lot of things

i feel frustrated nd hurt and confused, and yet more alive and passionate than i have felt for quite a while.

The past year has been a blurr. In the past year(ish) i have:
- lived alone in my first apartment
- graduated
- gotten married
- moved across the country
- started working at a church
- been bivocational
- learned how to drive a stick
- traveled to South Dakoda and Chicago
- quit 3 jobs
- gotten an appartment
- gotten pregnant

that's a lot to cram into a year. I think my brain sort of shut down for most of it, and now is starting to wake up. I almost feel like I've missed the last year

so part of me is grieving - grieving over wasted time, missed opportunities, forgotten moments and neglected relationships

and part of me is excited - i feel the joy over all of these events that I didn't really get to experience because of all the stress (good and bad) involved in each event

Then there are all the new/regular things I need to deal with. I've come to a few concusions lately - and I know there are things that need to change in my life, but due to some circumstances, I feel a little stuck.

The best thing of all is that my passion is returning - my desires, my drive, my heart for God and those around me. Instead of existing I want to live, want to make a difference, want to experience all that there is around me.

I love being pregnant right now. Every now and then I wonder if I can feel the life that is inside me moving around. Maybe it's wishful thinking...maybe not. Either way it's a wonderful thought. Everytime I see anything baby related I sort of tear up a little with anticipation. I heard the heartbeat yesterday and a lot of my fears and worries are melting away.

I love being married. We've been husband and wife for a year and I have grown more and more in love with Ben and more proud and apriciative of who he is.

THi has been a big year, and I have a feeling things won't slow down for a while. And I'm thrilled


Jadon & Amberly's Mommy said...
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denise :) said...

Yay for Steph! I miss you! We have a house! (almost). You guys will have to some day come visit! I know you will be too busy this year on your trip though, but I am sure we may be able to pop by if you have a little extra time in SJ. Either way, I understand if you dont have time! Time tends to go by way to fast sometimes!
Denise :)