Monday, February 26, 2007

A message from Hana

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Sunday, February 25, 2007

Insomnia Sucks

Since my teens I've battled with periotic bouts of insomnia. I remember going a few weeks at a time when I'd sleep from about 4:30-6, am and pm (without the naps I don't think I could have functioned) and that was it. At BBC it was better some years than others, but I generally slept pretty well, only having two or 3 weeks each year where I'd get less than 4 hrs. a night. Since graduation my sleep has been pretty good, but I still get the occasional few nights where I just can't sleep.

For a long time I thought it was stress or other issues that were keeping me from sleep, but over the years there hasn't been any consistant reason for me not sleeping. Like right now, I'm relaxed, I had a wonderful day (I got most of my house clean, spent time with friends, played with my baby and had time with my husband, what could be better than that?), and there's nothing stressful going on in my life. I'm tired, but I laid in bed for 30 mins and didn't fall asleep.

So now I'm up trying to do something useful for a bit and then I'll try again. Thankfully Ben has baby duty tonight and in the morning so I should be able to sleep in.


Friday, February 23, 2007

I'm the wheel.

In a recent conversation with some wonderful women, the question "do you ever feel like a hamster in a wheel" came up. After some thought I realized I don't feel like the hamster, I feel like the wheel.

There have been times that I've been the hamster, that I've been running around in circles trying to get things done. Usually it was because of some poor planning or stubbornness on my part, so basically I was choosing to get on the wheel and in theory I could choose to get off.

Now I feel like I'm going in circles, but they're not mine. My routines are dictated by the routines of others around me - Ben's schedule, Hana's needs, my mother's daily phone calls etc. All of these things have a HUGE impact on how my day goes and I sort of have to work around them. My life goes in cycles, but they're not mine.

It's not that I mind so much. I'm pretty happy with the routines and predictability. And it's not like I have no say in what I do, Hana is consistant enough in her routine (most days, this week, not so much, but I'm pretty sure it's teeth) that I can go out and do what I want pretty much any time. Still, every now and then I feel the wear and tear of going in circles, and there doesn't seem to be any way off.

To keep the mediphore, I suppose I could just come to a dead stop and fling that perverbial hamster to the floor and watch him scramble to try and figure out what's wrong. In fact, there are some days where it feels like that's what's going to happen, regardless of whether I want it to or not. It wouldn't be go, it would leave those around me scrambling and out of sorts, and that's not healthy for anyone.

So for now I'm accapting that I am the wheel, even on the days when I'm not so happy about it. The vast majority of the time I don't mind at all, it even feels like it's what I was "made" to do. And when it does get to me, I suppose I can always just ask the hamster to take a break.

Friday, February 16, 2007


I couldn't sleep last night. Here is some of what was in my head:

- if people don't believe in Christ then they are already lost, so why do we care about what they do beyond that, none of that matters for their eternity.

- if doing the right didn't hurt sometimes, if it were always easy, then I think it would be harder to tell that we're doing the right thing.

- a loss of friendship hurts

- love is much to easy of a word to throw around. If we restricted ourselves to only using it when it was true (patient, kind, humble, keeping no record of rongs, not self-seeking etc.) a lot of people would be spared a lot of hurt, and I think we would tryly love more instead of half loving some.

- next april I want to try for another baby (yeah, and I said my first one wouldn't be until Ben and I had been married two years....)

- God still loves me even when my house is a mess and I havn't showered for 2 days

- this is not where I thought my life would be at this point, but i wouldn't have it any other way

Monday, February 12, 2007


Some of you may remember my posts from this time last year (here and here) about how this is a hard time for me. For those of you who won't click the links, I went through 8 years of depression and self injury, the last time I intentionally hurt myself was Feb. 13, 2001, just about 6 years ago. It's bittersweet, every time I come to this time of year I am reminded of all the years that were taken from me, time that was stolen because I was trapped. I was trapped in guilt, in fear, in shame and in all the pain that was both the cause and result of my actions.

I also think of how far I have come. To have been healed of my depression, to have overcome the addiction of self harm, to have learned new ways to cope, to feel the joy of life.

According to many who research self harm, it's causes and effects, I'm still not free. Like alcoholism or a drug addiction, they say that I will always be what I was, a cutter. Accodring to many the addiction and desire wait in me like a cancer, and if my defenses go down I'll be consumed again. In a way I can see thier point. It's only when I'm stressed or exhausted that I even think about it anymore, but it's been a long time, months, since the idea of harming myself has come to mind. I know that if I'm not careful, if I forget, it could come back. That's why I always wanted to remember this time of year, remember what I was, where I was going, and who I have become.

And then God interviened again.

I've been wanting to post this for a while, but made myself wait until close to the aniversary. This is close enough. Something else happened this time of year last year. My daughter was concieved. God took a time of pain, of fear, or mourning, and has redeemed it into a time of joy and celebration.

I know I don't need to be afraid anymore. There is no cancerous addiction at bay within me. I have been redeemed, cleansed and made whole. This is no longer a time of mourning the life that I had, but a time of celebrating the new life that was created.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above, ye heav'ly hosts
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Pure Insanity

The Lactivist Breastfeeding Blog: Overzealous Big Pork Stomps on Breastfeeding Blogger

This is insane. For those of you who don't click the link, bascially a work-at-home-mom promotes breastfeeding and sells a few slogan tshirts, one of which says "the other white milk", an obvious parody of the "Pork - the other white meat" slogans. Well, apparently it's too close of a parody and the National Pork Board (who knew that even existed!) is threatening to sue her if she doesn't remove the shirts from the internet and distroy any that havn't already been sold. Their reasoning - the slogan "tarnishes the good reputation of the National Port Board's mark" because she of her "apparent attempt to promote the use of breastmilk beyond merely for infant consumption".

So yeah, crazy!