Ritual Mourning

today is a bad day. It's an intentional bad day tho, so it's not all bad. Let me explain...

Hello, my name is stephanie, i'm a recovering cutter
(hi stephanie)

From the time i was in fifth grade until 5 years ago today i was a cutter. things weren't always good, and then they got bad, that was my way of dealing with it. Sometimes i would hurt myself (i also burrned and tried other forms of self harm) multiple times a day, sometimes i would go for months without even thinking about it. I thought i was a freak, that i was a horrible awful person, then i realized that there are a lot of people who had the same problem (estimates are between 5 and 10% of the population, but i would guess higher) and i started calling myself a cutter. it was a badge of honour and shame, a secret hidden part of me that few could know about.

I tried to stop a few times, it seemed simple, just don't do it. It's not that simple. There are chemices released whenever a person is injured that bring a calming feeling, and like any other chemicle, it can be addictive. There were days that even when I didn't want to cut I *needed* to, and then any time life got hard again it was impossible to resist. I couldn't go for help, I couldn't even tell God about it, I felt disgusting.

Finally, February 13, 2001, I had enough. I felt fake, numb, lifeless, horrible and I was sick of it. I gave God an ultimatum - either He fixed me or I was done with life. I had cut that night, and the night before, and a few times the day before that, and I was sick of it. I refused to live that way any longer.

That night was one of the worst I can remember. And I refuse to forget it. God delivered me - I will celebrate (and explain) that deliverance tomarrow, but tonight I remember. I don't want to forget what I went through, what I came from, what God did in my life. Like the worman who poured oil on Jesus' feet - i love much because i have been forgiven much.