And the belly continues to grow! is it a bad thing when maternity clothes don't fit anymore? 

Can't really tell from the front...except that this shirt used to be loose... 

Random thoughts

- Everyone should be able to nap every day, it's a wonderful thing.

- I read a book yesterday, picked it up and didn't put it down until it was finished.

- I've walked almost every day for the past week or so.

- I saw a kid riding down the street on a unicycle, it made me giggle.

- My house is cleaner than it's been for months.

- I had a baby shower on the weekend and it was wonderful, I feel much loved.

- I've been craving junk food like I've never craved it before.

- Ben and I are looking for a new car.

- This is pretty much as good as I can get my brain to work lately.

May cause drowsyness

Have you ever noticed that on comercials for sleep aids they list drowsyness as a possible side effect?
I find it really funny, but it sort of got me thinking.

People do things that have certain natural outcomes or consequences, and then get suprised (and sometimes upset) when those things actually happen.

Say for instance, someone goes out and drinks too much, they get drunk, and then the following day they're suprised by their hangover or possibly the things they did while drunk.

But it's not always negative that suprises people. Positive outcomes can be just as suprising and sometimes puzzling.

Are we really that dumb? Or maybe it's numbness, not dumbness that causes the problem. Maybe we're so consumed by disappointment and apathy that we can't really see what's coming, or we don't really expect it to actually happen.

What do you think?

Interesting Appointment

We had a dr. appointment today. After waiting a LONG time (perhaps I need to be more patient...) we finally saw the Dr. She's not sure if Hana is still breech or not, and neither am I, so I get to go for another ultrasound on the 13th to check her position. I havn't gotten any kicks in my ribs yet, but I havn't had as many low kicks today either, that's why I'm not sure if she flipped or not. Last night I promised her a pony if she flipped (one of the "my little pony" ones of course) so maybe that worked.

The Dr. also made some interesting comments. She asked what size shoe I wear (4-5) and put her hand up to mine to measure it (my hands are the size of an average 8-10 y/o). I asked her if she thought my baby was going to be big, and she said "well, big for you, if you were 5'8" I wouldn't say she was big." She was also surprised that all the women in my family were about my size and gave birth vaginally.

So things could get interesting. I also told her that babies in my family usually come early (my brother and I were both about 2 weeks early), so we'll see what happens. The ultrasound will give us a better idea of her size and we'll go from there.

Hana's Room

Finally my baby has a place to sleep! It was such a hassle trying to get the crib and such, it's so good to have it almost ready. I sill need to wash everything (I just wanted to put something on the bed for the picture) and get a few more things, but basically her room is ready!

The decorations I put up around her crib. I'm really tempted to get some more stickers 

Her dresser and changing table. I know, the dresser could use a coat of paint and such, but it just didn't get done. We got it at a yard sale for 10$. The blinds beside the dresser cover our storage area. There's a yellow curtain there now, because my husband is wonderful and put it up for me.  

Here's her crib 

Oompa....Tuba....Tuna....Jew....

Ok, so it could just be because it's way to late at night and I can't sleep, but I found this to be freekishly funny. I couldn't help but sing a long (especailly since they have the words right there for you.

So watch, laugh, enjoy....or just think i'm compltely nuts for getting any entertainment out of this at all

Click here....

It's Snowing

Yup, really is. I tried to take a picture, but it's hard to take a picture of snow through a window.

Snow....in September...something is very wrong with that

Things I've learned since being Pregnant

I warn any guys who may be reading this, it could be more info than you want/need. You've been warned.

I'm liking being pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant, friends of mine had been pregnant, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what it was going to be like.

I was so wrong.

There's things that no one tells you about pregnancy, until you get pregnant of course. Then everyone who has ever been pregnant or known someone who is pregnant feels the need to tell you every gory detail.

So here's some of the things I've learned, some from my own experience, some not. To protect myself I'm not going to tell you which are which.

1. Babies kick. Ok, so we all knew that already. The funny thing is, before pregnancy it never occured to me to consider exactly what it is they're kicking. As the uterus grows, it pushes all the other organs around (just like in life, everything gets pushed aside for baby), and so depending on how the baby is positioned, he/she has great access to lots of fun parts. Diaphram, stomache, intestines, bladder, liver, ribs, rectum, cervix, apendix. Oh so much fun....

2. People like pregnant ladies. In fact, some people like pregnant ladies so much that they feel they can ask any question, touch them, and share personal information. These things include patting the belly, trying to "listen" to the baby through the belly etc. The questions can be quite interesting. Culturally, asking questions such as how far along are you/when are you due are considered appropriate (well, at least once it becomes obvious to the world that you really are pregnant and not just...um...round...), but there are still some questions people ask that are a little too much. Things like "are you dialated yet?", "did you have any problems with contapation/hemeroids?", "how much weight have you gained?" etc. get asked. It's a little much.

3. Things get uncomfortable. Again, no big suprise, there's a big belly with a baby in there. However, this discomfort goes beyoned the mother. The father also has to deal with it - the extra pillows in bed, the constant changing of position, the requests for water/food/foot and back rubs. And it's not just physical discomfort, there's all the emotional and hormonal changes too. Pregnant women have been known to go through the whole spectrum of emotions in a matter of minutes, without provocation. This can make conversations, dinners, movies and arguments quite interesting.

That's all I've got for now. And just so you know, this is all siad tongue-in-cheek. I'm so thrilled to be pregnant, and I love all of this stuff, it's wonderful to be growing a healthy baby inside me.

Oh, and did i mention I'm HUGE? I had at least 6 people today ask me if I was due this month.

32ish weeks....Accoding to the Dr. it's only 31 weeks, but what do they know. Either way, I'm HUGE! She's still breech, but kinda at an angle, so I'm hoping she's trying to turn.  

Thoughts

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and I realize I have a habit of not being to good to myself. I put a lot of pressure on myself sometimes, I take things on that I don't need to, i expect a lot from myself.

I should add that I'm not entierly stable sometimes. I'm still what I call "funtioning depressed" - I struggle with depression now and then, but it's not to the point that I feel I need medication. I've been to counseling, I wanted to make sure that it was something manageable and that I would be able to function in ministry. I've leared ways to cope and what is important for me in order to stay healthy. Things like a scedule, eating right, spending time with people, getting plenty of rest.

Here's the problem - when I get stressed out I can't relax, which means I can't sleep. I end up not eating well because, well, I forget (thankfully forgetting to eat while pregnant is hard, so I've been doing pretty good there). I also end up cutting myself off from people because I have no energy (because people energize me and I've cut myself off from them).

Plus, I'm pregnant. Pregnancy does weird things. Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm a fairly independant and logical person - sometimes to a fault. I have no problem being on my own, finding things to do etc. I'm also logical when dealing with things, I can usually find a good, easy way to solve a problem (which keeps me from wallowing, always a good thing). But now that I'm in my 3rd tri, I just am so needy! Ben will be at his computer 10 feet away from me and I'll have this huge need to have him come and sit with me. I get upset over nothing and can't figure out how to fix it because I'm just so upset. Then I get drustrated at myself because I know that's not me. I'm not like that, really!

So a few weeks ago I had a bit of a breakdown. I was up all night crying, I had just couldn't handle it anymore. A week later I ended up crying through the whole service at church - we were doing a series on the commandments and it was the one about lying, and I realized I had been lying to everyone, telling them I was ok....I was definately not ok.

I talked with the pastor, and we've decided I need to take a break. I used to love what I did for the church, but lately it's just been hard. I blame it on myself (the pressure and expectation) and the pregnancy. I also felt guilty for a while because I wanted to take a break, I wanted to stop and just relax, and I felt like I was giving up or failing. I'm so thankful that Jess is so understanding and supportive.

So as of the end of the month I will have no official responsibilites for the church until January. It's still a little hard to admit that. Some people can handle things better I guess, but I was really almost to the point of being burnt out, especaially with all the pressures of my other job (which I'm finished with on the 20th).

I feel better now. I feel like I can breathe. I can take time for myself and not feel guilty. I plan on using the time to recharge myself, rediscover my passions - which have somehow gotten burried behind everything that "needed" to be done. And when Hana is born I'll be able to just be a mom, at least for a little while, and I'm so thrilled about that.

I'm trying to learn how to take care of myself again, to be good to myself so that I can be useful and good to others.

Photo Blog Updated

Photo blog updated! Might even be a couple belly pics on there if you look real close....

Stresses

Usually, I'm pretty good at handling stress. I get stressed out, I force myself to objectivly look at the situation and find a solution. I solve the problem, and then I indulge in whatever I feel is necesary to make me feel better.

For example, I had my gestational diabeties test this week. The test involves drinking something similar to orange pop, waiting an hour, and then having blood drawn. It's a routien thing and not a bit deal at all. Except for the blood drawn part...at least for me.

I fear needles

Fear isn't really strong enough of a word, but it will do. Now, I realize my reaction to needles is all in my head. In fact, with my history it's amazing that anything like that bothers me at all. I self injured for years, I've twoce stepped on knitting needles and had them go into my foot (one went in about 3 inches). I sew, so I've had innumerable pokes from pins and needles pretty much everywhere. And none of that bothered me.

So, on Wednesday I'm stressing about the GD test, but I'm realing with it. I planed my day to include the test (knowing when it was coming game me a time frame I was allowed to be stressed in, instead of being stressed all day). I had the test (and btw, did really well, didn't cry or pass out or hyperventalate like i usually do), and then took myself out to dinner because I deserved it.

All that to say this, usually, under normal circumstances, I can handle stress in a pretty productive way.

Pregnancy makes me not normal.

My title at the church is "Community Director" - I'm responsible for creating comunity within the church through events, activities and general just getting to know people. On good days I love my job. I'm a people person and I see a great value in people coming together, especailly people from different backgrounds ets. Since I've been pregnant it's been harder for me to do my job well, it takes a suprising ammount of energy to plan an event, especially for someone who is not a natural planner or detail oriented.

Add to that the fact that people in Calgary are busy and I turn itno a mess. After putting all of my energy (however little it was at the time) into an event and having few people come, I was almost ready to throw in the towel. Not only was it frustrating, but, being pregnant, I somtimes tended to personalize it (ok, so I thought no one came because they all hated me.....I smartened up eventually).

The last few events havn't been so much fun. Infact, they've been really stressful, and for some reason I can't just get objective and deal with it and move on. It's been really hard on me (and my wonderful husband) to deal with these things.

Fortunately, the people around me and the people I'm on staff with are amazing. I think instead of learning how to just deal with things, I need to learn to ask for help and let other people know how I'm doing more.

As it is right now, there's an event tomarrow, and for now, I'm ok with that.

14 weeks

I am (according to my ultrasound measurements) around 26 weeks pregnant. I know my ticker says 27, thats because I got it before my first scan.

Being 26 weeks pregnant means that there are only 14 weeks until the end of my pregnancy. Ok, really there are somewhere between 10 and 16 weeks left, but 14 weeks will put me at the 40 week mark, when my baby will be *done*.

I really don't know how I feel about this. I'm super excited of course, but then there's the realization that in just 3 short months (super short if they're anything like the last three months) I will have a life in my hands.

Someone asked me today if I'm nervous about being a parent. Besides the possibility of completely messing up the life of an innocent human being, I'm completely thrilled about it. I've always wanted to be a parent. I've always wanted to be able to raise a child, to pass on what I've learned, to teach them and guide them and watch them grow in all ways.

In the meantime, my precious little girl has been moving around so much I think she's trying to break out of my belly. I feel like that guy from the alien movie.

And I know, I know, no belly pic yet. It's coming, I promise. My mother's been bugging me for one too, so when she gets hers I'll post it here too.

I love my belly!

While at work tonight two people asked me when I was due (both of whom were shocked to find out I was only 5 and a half months and only carying one baby)

That was the first time it's happened to me, and I love it. Complete strangers are aware of the miracle, the life that is forming inside me. It's so wonderful I can't even understand it.

I've always wanted to be a mother. I used to joke about wanting huge ammounts of kids. To have my little girl inside me, to feel her moving and kicking, to see my growing belly and knowing it means she is growing.

so wonderful

Travelogue

I disapeared for a week.

Ok, not really, as much as I want to some times I still havn't really learned how to disappear.

I went back to NB for a week to visit my family and it was wonderful. I got to see almost everyone, which ment quite a bit of running around, but I aso got to sleep a lot, so it was ok.

In baby news, things are going well, but she seems to have put my back and hips out of alignment. In the words of my mother, i'm crooked.

I'll have pics up later, need to download them first

The deep deep love of God

The Bible is a love story. It's the typical love story really - boy creates girl, has mad passionate love for her, girl gets distracted and runs after others, this happens for centuries until the relationship is corrupted and broken, respebling nothing of what it was originally meant to be, so boy dies for girl so they can (eventually) live happily ever after.

The love of God amazes me. I just finished reading the book of Hosea (one of my favorites) and it captures this dynamic so well. As I was eading I started to cry as God spoke to me of His broken heart towards His people - the ones He has created and called and redeemed, but who still turn away. God hates divorce, but has permitted it as a last resort in cases of unfaithfulness. By His own word to Us He is free to abandon us to our pain and suffering and misery as we continue to seek after other things instead of Him. The more we reject Him and lavish our lives and our love on others the more He is justified in leaving us to the eternal consequences of our actions.

but He doesn't.

Stop reading. Go back up a few lines, think about that.

The deep love of God is to pursue us, to romance us, to awake a desire within us for Him that reflects but could never match the desire that He has for us. Even while we must face the consequences of our actions and our disobedience, He never leaves us but continually calles out for us to return to Him.

There is no lost cause in the eyes of God. Those people that we often write off as having gone too far,that feeling I'm sure most have experienced, wondering if they have crossed the line, if they can still be used by Him.


The love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star, and reaches to the lowest hell.
The guilty pair, bowed down with care. God gave his Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled, and pardoned from this sin.

O love of God how rich and pure! how measureless and strong!
It shall forever more endure. The saint's and angels song!

When years of time shall pass away, and earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men who here refuse to pray, On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God's love so sure shall still endure, All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam's race The saint's and angels song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill, And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill, And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Tho stretched from sky to sky.

O love of God how rich and pure! how measureless and strong!
It shall forever more endure. The saint's and angels song!

Thoughts on Love

Love is a much over used word. Over my life I have told many people I love them. For some close friends I can not imagine another way to express my appriciation and devotion to them. In my younger days, the phrase "I love you" would far too easily roll off my tongue.

I would have an experience with someone. They would be handsom, sweet, charming. I'd feel feminine, beautiful, sensual, and I would equate all of that with love. Eventually, the feelings would fade and I'd become withdrawn and unavailable. They would get frustrated with me and eventually end things. It was always for the best, few of them were worth my time and none were worth my heart.

My first year of Bethany, I decided to make some changes. No more flirting, no more teasing, no more giving away my heart. I made a vow not to date, to take time to know myself and those around me. This went so far that when a friend of mine tried to set me up with Ben I was dead set against it. Besides, he was not even close to my type. He was a nice guy, very sweet, a good friend, but that was all.

Over the months that Ben and I were friends, he began to woo me. I can't descibe it any other way. There was no flirting (at least not the kind I was used to), no games, no pressure. He cared for me, sought me, opened himself to me and drew me in to him. Over that year I fell in love with him, and by the time we started dating I already knew I could marry him.

There have been times in my life when I have encountered aspects of God. His power, might and creativity. I have felt alive in His presence, grown to know myself better, felt as though I could take on the world. When those feelings faded, I have become withdrawn and unavailable.

Lately, I have been drawn to the story of Hosea, of Gomer and God and the nation of Israel.

Hosea 2:14 speaks of wooing, of the lover drawing His love away from all others and "speaking kindly". I feel as though lately God has been wooing me, causing me to run away with Him, drawing me in, caring for me, opening Himself to me.

I am in awe of God, and I think now I am finally beginnig to truly fall in love with God

better late than never I guess....

I have a question...

for those of you who know how to do fancy things to your blog...i have two 26 second clips of my baby that I would like to put on my blog. They're both in avi format, but ben also has them in quicktime format. How do I make it work?

My Beautiful Baby Girl

it's a

GIRL!

pictues to follow

Provision

The way that God provides astounds me every time.

Dan and Joy almost had to leave for the States because Canada was being stupid and wouldn't let Dan have a job. After the last minute they were provided for.

Ben has gotten a new position at work, with better pay, making it more likly that I won't have to go back to work early after the baby is born.

The church is swamped because everyone is having to work bivocationally and administrative stuff takes a lot of time. There is someone interested in coming here and doing admin work.

When my heart is troubled I need to trust in God, my Jehovah Jireh, the Great Provider. All things on earth rest in His hands.

A thought on Freedom

I was talking to a friend the other day about spiritual bondage, and it got me thinking.

We are told that "If Christ has set you free, then you are free indeed." and yet very few Christians that I have met have not experiences some sort of spiritual bondage. The two don't seem to go together.

My thought is this - we are made free by Christ, but our bondage is really our inability to accapt that freedom. We are plagued by guilt, by feelings of inadequicy, by a sient hidden fear that God really doesn't love us and didn't forgive us.

I think of it this way. When we begin our lives we are chained to a wall far from God. The more "active" we are in our sinful lives the more chains bind us. When We accapt Christ, the chains are unlocked and we are free to move toward God.

Then, as we start moving forward, we are smetmes held back by those same chains. They arn't wrapped around us, bidning us anymore, but trailing behind us so that we are pretty much unaware until we reach their limit - like a dog who forgets they're tied in a yard.

Then there comes a choice - do we remove the chain that Christ has already unlocked, or, because that sounds just completely too simple, do we struggle against it, pulling and trying until it breaks.

Both methods may free us from the chain, but I think the struggle method ignores the freedom that Christhas given us.

For when we are set free, we are free indeed.

Now, I admit that there are some chains that we are unaware of, that we refuse to acknowledge or that we are stubborn and will not walk away from. Those ones are more difficult because each of those situations adds chains of their own.

As I have grown in Christ I have had to deal with my chains. One of the most difficult was my self injury and all the things associated with it. It took me a long time to be able to end that battle, and I couldn't understand why. Why would God forgive me and free me, and then leave me there to struggle.

I'm starting to understand now that the struggle was not me having to battle and break this bondage, but my needing to get over myself, my guilt and insecurities, and accapt the freedom that God has so graciously lavished on me. There were still struggles associated with it, still consequences that needed to be delt with, but that is made much easier when we have the assurance that the battle is over, that we are truly free.

There are so many people I know that live their lives in a struggle, in a constant never ending battle with their past, fighting to keep it away from who they are in Christ. That is not the life that God intends us to live.

If Christ has set you free, then you are free indeed.


we will walk in Your freedom, walk in Your liberty
We will dance in Your freedom, dance in Your liberty

I'm free
I'm free
I'm free
I'm free

Just a question....

you know those little "type theletters into the box" security things they have? Is there a reason why the letters are all skwed and odd looking? Or why on some sites you can't even realy tell what the letters are because they have little wooshes and such going through them? Wouldn't it be just as useful to have normally written letters? Is there a purpose for the skewing and the wooshes?

ok, so that was more than just a questions....but still...

unloading

A few months ago I became aware of a situation. Someone I know who is in ministry had...an issue...that could potentially caused a moral failure or have harmed their ministry. As a concerned friend I of course asked if others, especially those in a position over this person, were aware of the issue. I was assured that there was accountability in place and that things were going well.

The more I learned about this person's struggle with this issue I became concerned. It seemed as though instead of "fleeing" temptation it was being fed. I could see a possible progression in what was happening, or at least more honesty about how deep the issue was.

I hurt for my friend. I had conviction that this issue could be addressed and healed. I also had conviction that in the current situation, where the problem was being fed, it would be almost impossible for it to not become more of a struggle.

Anyone who knows me knows my stand on holding one another accountable. We are called to spur one another on. Instead of telling those who haven't made a choice to follow God how to live we should be holding each other to the standards that we have chosen to align ourselves with. In this situation I was torn on how to do that.

I went for help. I talked to my Sr. Pastor, he advised me to talk with my DS. Those were the most difficult conversations I had ever had. It was hard to share something I had said I would keep in confidence. It was hard to retain the anonymity of those involved, simply because I wanted to balance the picture by praising all their good works.

I was advised to talk to the individual's Sr. Pastor, without first telling the individual. That was a difficult thing to hear, it went against my gut, but at the same time felt right. The reasoning was that this person had daily opportunities to tell their Sr. Pastor about this issue, by seeking accountability they obviously were aware that it was a problem. They chose to keep it hidden, and all hidden things must come to light.

It took a lot of prayer and fasting, pleading with God for a simpler solution. Hoping and praying that everything would resolve in healing and a healthy ministry.

That didn't happen. Because of our (Ben and myself) actions two people have (temporarily?) broken contact with us. It hurts. The way we were told the situation was handled hurts. The harm that was caused unnecessarily hurts.

So why am I putting all this up for anyone to read? Because I need to get it out. I feel as though I should feel ashamed, but I don't. I honestly think...know, that the right thing was done, even if it doesn't look like that now.

Part of me also hopes (prays) that those involved, perhaps even by accident, stumble on this. We have respected their wishes not to contact them, but it is hard.

We want to apologize...not for our actions, but because we were not able to be there to care for them and support them through this. We mourn the loss of them in our lives.

I write all this with a heavy heart. Since I was first told of the situation my heart has been broken, and because of the lack of reconciliation, I feel like I can't heal. I can't go to others for comfort because no one else needs to know, and any comfort they could offer wouldn't really fix the problem. I am broken over this.

I do wish things could have gone differently. I wish what all was back n place. Some days I wish I hadn't said anything. When I go to God I am comforted, when I listen to Him I know that what was done needed to be, and that He will work to bring healing to all involved.

My prayer is that those involved will be healed and strenthened. That their lives will be rich with blessings and growth in God. I want the relationships lost to be restored. I pray for healing for us all.

a lot of things

i feel frustrated nd hurt and confused, and yet more alive and passionate than i have felt for quite a while.

The past year has been a blurr. In the past year(ish) i have:
- lived alone in my first apartment
- graduated
- gotten married
- moved across the country
- started working at a church
- been bivocational
- learned how to drive a stick
- traveled to South Dakoda and Chicago
- quit 3 jobs
- gotten an appartment
- gotten pregnant

that's a lot to cram into a year. I think my brain sort of shut down for most of it, and now is starting to wake up. I almost feel like I've missed the last year

so part of me is grieving - grieving over wasted time, missed opportunities, forgotten moments and neglected relationships

and part of me is excited - i feel the joy over all of these events that I didn't really get to experience because of all the stress (good and bad) involved in each event

Then there are all the new/regular things I need to deal with. I've come to a few concusions lately - and I know there are things that need to change in my life, but due to some circumstances, I feel a little stuck.

The best thing of all is that my passion is returning - my desires, my drive, my heart for God and those around me. Instead of existing I want to live, want to make a difference, want to experience all that there is around me.

I love being pregnant right now. Every now and then I wonder if I can feel the life that is inside me moving around. Maybe it's wishful thinking...maybe not. Either way it's a wonderful thought. Everytime I see anything baby related I sort of tear up a little with anticipation. I heard the heartbeat yesterday and a lot of my fears and worries are melting away.

I love being married. We've been husband and wife for a year and I have grown more and more in love with Ben and more proud and apriciative of who he is.

THi has been a big year, and I have a feeling things won't slow down for a while. And I'm thrilled

Update

I know, I know, I hardly bog anymore, but it's not anything personal....I just hardly do anything anymore lol

Ben and I went for my first OB appointment today! It was really good - I liked the Dr. A lot. There are 6 docters in the office and one of them will do the delivery, so I'll have appointments with all of them. We heard the heart beat :) it was 144 bpm which is really good. It was wonderful. The only thing I didn't llike about the appointment was that they changed my due date from Nov. 4th to Nov. 11th baised on the ultrasound measurements. I'm not convinced. We'll wait and see what happens at the ultrasound net month.

Other than that things are going really well - I have more energy and am geeling really good most days. I'll be missing family campt this year (sorry Glo!) because the travel would be difficult - 14 + hours in a car while 5+ months pregnant just doesn't sound like a good time. I'll be home in New Brunswick the second wek of July (7th-15th) visiting.

and I'll try and update more often...i promise...

this is funny

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

say hi to my baby!

go to sapfotoes.blogspot.com to see more

Ultrasound Jitters

My ultra sound is on Tuesday, and I'm so excited. I'm also really scared. I thought it would be just so reassuring to see the baby and know tht everything is alright, but what if we see that it isn't. What if there is an abnormality? What if it is measuring smaller than it's supposed to? What if there are three or four babies in there? I know there's no reason to be so nervous and I know the chances of everything being just great are high, but I still get nervous. Prayers over the next week will really be aprciated

Lately.....

- Things have been pretty stressful at work, getting used to a new manager and a bunch of changes has been frustrating on everyone. The good news is one of the people I work with is becomming a good friend.

- I've been feeling much better. I'm not so nausious anymore and I'm getting my apitite and energy back. I still need 10 hours of sleep a night and sometimes a nap in the evenings, but I don't feel like I'm going to fall asleep on my feet anymore.

- Joy (who will be poping out twins on June 7th or sooner) looked at me the other day and said in a very serious tone "I just have a feeling you're having twins"

- I have my first ultrasound next Tuesday, which will confirm that there is only one baby....i hope....lol

- Ben got a raise! not much, but always helpful

- We had 56 people at church on Sunday (60 if you count the custodian and the unborns)

- I have a lot of really good things I want to blog, it just never seems to happen lately

Stress and pain

THe last two weeks have been hard and horrible. No, there is nothing wrong with the pregnancy, this has nothing to do at all with me being pregnant, except that the extra hormones have caused me to cry a lot more in the last two weeks than I have for a very long time.

Things with family, things with friends, things with work have all been really hard this week. God is amazing though, He prepared me and has been with me, even when I was foolish enough to forget it. Right now I just feel very empty and alone. Some days part of me wants to just pack up and go somewhere else, try again, start over - but I know that isn't what I really want or need to do. I love it here, and I know this is where I am to be, at least for now. Some days I wonder if I can really do this - whatever this happens to be at the time.

I hope all of the rotteness of the last two weeks is over. I hope I can relax and enjoy this week. I know that God will take care of everything, but sometimes in the waiting it's hard.

Joys of pregnancy

I'm 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. So far I havn't acutally been sick, but I do feel pretty nausous most of the time. And tired, so so very tired! I feel so sluggish most of the time, but still manage to get things done. I'm also very teary the last few days, but have so far managed not to make a public specticle of myself.

Other than that, being pregnant is amazing. And those little problems are really no problem at all. It's nothing I can't handle and nothing I would want to trade for anything in the world. I have a little baby growing inside me - a whole little person who's being formed. I can't wait til I start showing and I'm so excited to actually feel the baby moving inside me. It still feels unreal most of the time.

I also have to keep myself from worrying. I'm eating well and getting enough sleep, taking my vitamines and such, so I know really there's nothing to worry about, but there are things that we can't control, and it's hard for me to trust God's power when I feel so powerless.

I'm loving being pregnant. It's an amazing and indescribable feeling.

Joy of Joys

I've been trying to tell as many people as possible personally, but some of you are just too bloody hard to get a hold of!

I found out on Friday that Ben and I will be having a baby. From my calculations I'm 5 weeks pregnant, we have a Dr. appointment on Wednesday so we'll have a better idea then.

We've been wanting and hoping for a baby for, well, since we got married really, and we couldn't be more happy or excited.

Amazing God

Is't it amazing how wrong we can be sometimes. Isn't it such a shame how we allow fears to drive us instead of folowing what God wants us to do, even when we claim to know that He will never do anything to harm us. Except i don't think fear is the real problem, because it's usually not fear for our lives that stops us, but fear for our reputation, fear of changing how others view us, which is not fear at all, but pride.

I've been working through some stuff lately, and the result is wonderful, even when part of me feared that to deal with this issue would destroy me. My past was haunting me again, but God has shown me that it has no power over me, that He has already redeemed me, and now it is up to me to claim my position as His chosen.

I Will Celebrate

Today marks five years that I have lived without intentionally harming myself. Yes, it's also Valentines day, but I've never really needed an excuse to tell those close to me that I love them. The two days have absolutely nothing to do with eachother, except that I am reminded of just how much God loves me.


Five years ago, after telling God that He had to fix me or I was giving up, it was as if the Spirit gave a sigh of relief. God had been trying to get to me, trying to show me that He would love me deeper than I had been hurt, that His care would go further than the damage that had been done, that He would mould me back into the person that He created me to be, the person that He always saw me as. And finally I let Him.

No, it didn't happen instantly, well, at least not all of it. For much of my life up to that point I had lived with what I called the shadow. It was the darkness and heaviness that seemed to consume me, the voice in my head telling me all the horrible things about myself that I wished weren't true. When I worke up on Feb 14 2001 the shadow was gone. I smiled. I felt alive in a way that I had very seldom experienced. For the first time in years I wore a skirt without shorts underneath to hide my scars (or blood from possible additions). It was my day. I was free. Free to start healing.

Healing has been a long process. Everything didn't just go away, I had to deal with issues....I still have to deal with some of them. But I learned God's immense love.

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higer than this wordly place
Longer than the road I traveled
Wider than the gap You fill


I wish I could truly express the truth of that song. I thought that if God knew the depths of my sin, of my pain, of what I had gone through, He would abandon me. I have learned in the last five years that God can take the most horrible circumstances and use them for His glory. I thought that if people knew the secrets I kept that they would say horrible things to me and about me....I learned that most people have amazing understanding and grace, and when they don't, God makes up for it. I thought that I would be forever struggling, forever crippled, forever bound to the cycle of pain.

I have learned what it means to be free.

There are still days that the thoughts enter my mind, but it's more like a memory than a desire. This time of year is especially hard on me, but it gets better each time.

Today was my day, and it was good. Each day I live is a gift that I was ready to throw away, and I am so thankful for God's grace and patience and all He has done for me.

Ritual Mourning

today is a bad day. It's an intentional bad day tho, so it's not all bad. Let me explain...

Hello, my name is stephanie, i'm a recovering cutter
(hi stephanie)

From the time i was in fifth grade until 5 years ago today i was a cutter. things weren't always good, and then they got bad, that was my way of dealing with it. Sometimes i would hurt myself (i also burrned and tried other forms of self harm) multiple times a day, sometimes i would go for months without even thinking about it. I thought i was a freak, that i was a horrible awful person, then i realized that there are a lot of people who had the same problem (estimates are between 5 and 10% of the population, but i would guess higher) and i started calling myself a cutter. it was a badge of honour and shame, a secret hidden part of me that few could know about.

I tried to stop a few times, it seemed simple, just don't do it. It's not that simple. There are chemices released whenever a person is injured that bring a calming feeling, and like any other chemicle, it can be addictive. There were days that even when I didn't want to cut I *needed* to, and then any time life got hard again it was impossible to resist. I couldn't go for help, I couldn't even tell God about it, I felt disgusting.

Finally, February 13, 2001, I had enough. I felt fake, numb, lifeless, horrible and I was sick of it. I gave God an ultimatum - either He fixed me or I was done with life. I had cut that night, and the night before, and a few times the day before that, and I was sick of it. I refused to live that way any longer.

That night was one of the worst I can remember. And I refuse to forget it. God delivered me - I will celebrate (and explain) that deliverance tomarrow, but tonight I remember. I don't want to forget what I went through, what I came from, what God did in my life. Like the worman who poured oil on Jesus' feet - i love much because i have been forgiven much.

Out of town

Ben and I are heading down to Rapid City SD for the pastors and wives....i mean spouses retreat. See you next Friday!

Fighting Well

One of the girls I work with asked me the other day if Ben and I ever fight. If you know me, you know the answer. I am a passionate fighter from a long line of good distinguished fighters both of the inebriated and non-inebriated persuasion. Over the years I've trained in various aruments and debates, honing my skills. What you may not realize if you know Ben and I is that he is a fighter as well.

Maybe I should clarify what I mean by fighting, I wouldn't want to start any nasty rumers or have anyone having misconceptions about our relationship. What I mean by fighting is that Ben and I stand up for what we think, feel, and believe, we're honest in those three areas which inevitably leads to disagreements which need to be sorted out.

It took Ben a while to learn how to fight. His (and most people's) reaction to conflight is to run and hide or otherwise make it go away. Basically he would back down in hopes of making me happy. It was a sweet gesture, but wasn't what i wanted.

There is something so special in knowing someone is willing to stand up for what they think, that they will passionatly share with you waht is in their heart and try and make you understand, even if the process is difficult. Arguments, disagreemnts, fights, whatever you want to call them, allow us to get to know one another, makes sure that there is nothing interfeaing with the relationship. But only if it is done well.

Ben and I have learned how to fight well. Or should I say we're learning how to fight well. Usually we can get through a disagreement wihtut any feelings hurt, but we're not perfect. We have rules. We can't go back over thigns that are already delt with. Thats been hard for me, i tend to bring up old stuff, it gets ugly. I've also had to learn to not raise my voice so much (and Ben has learned to raise his a bit). We also can't make things bigger than they are. We can deal with being frustrated because something isn't done, dealing with soeone being a complete and utter failure is a bit harder.

The most important thing about fighting well is to always clear the air before the end of the day. There are times that we do leave the situation still angry because sometimes fights start before work etc. but the day can't end until we're settled, happy, and have a greater understanding of eachother. We're not trying to win, we're not trying to be right, we're trying to understand and be understood.

On Being Married

Have I mentioned how much I love my husband and how great it is to be married? No, ok then, I should start doing that more often.

I've also realized since being married that men and women really do have some funimental differences in how they think. At first I thought it was just Ben and I but the more I talk to other womena nd other couples I think it's a bit more universal.

First off, men have many fewer emotions than women. I think Ben has 4 (don't worry, he knows i'm blogging about this and finds the difference qite funny too). If he is feeling something it must fit into these four emotions, or he really doesn't know what to do with it, so he dismisses it. Women, on the other hand have many many emotions to choose from. Now, in my oppinion that makes communicationa little easier - you only need to clarify a few personal connotations instead of engaging in full fledged 20 questions to learn how the other person is feeling, but i've learned that, if i'm persistant, i can usually figure out what type of "happy" ben means if he says he's happy.

Another difference i've noticed is that men have the ability to not think. Women on the other hand have the ability to think various thoughts at the same time. It's like having layers of thought...one layer might be going over a song thats stuck in your head, another writing a list of things that need to be done, another mentaly writing an email to a friend and another listening to whatever is happening. This is usually natural all the time for women, every now and then something takes up a cople extra layers and we sem distracted, but usually we can cope fairly well. Rarely have i known a woman to be thinking nothing. they may say their thinking nothing, but they know that there was somehting going through their brain. Men on the otherhand can answer "nothing" quite honestly. It's taking me some time to get used to this.

These are just a couple observations so far, i'll share more as i keep learning

This is what you see when you enter our house

Happyness Anyone?

There is something different about me. I try to explain it but all that comes out it s"I'm happy". Now for those of you who know about my history, no, I wasn't depressed again. I actually don't remember being not happy. But there is a definate difference in how I feel this week comepared to...well...before. I don't get it, but I like it. I sing, and I laugh, and I play with kids and share moments with friends. I did all that before this new happy feeling, but now it's different. It means more.

I donno, I don't get it, but I love it. I'm sitting here smiling at my computer.

P.S. pictures of new ugly apparment to come

Testing/Exercising Faith

I believe in God's power. I have seen God provide for people in amaizing ways, including myself. And yet I still sometimes have trouble believing it will happen. I still doubt, I still try to take care of things or provide for myself.

Life this new job. I had been wanting for months to quit at La Senza, but it never felt like the right thing to do. A few times I actually got up the nerve to apply for a job but didn't get it (which is very odd in this city, there are more jobs than people to work them, and I was always qualified) which was very discouraging and heart breaking. I couldn't understand why God was making me stay there and telling me it wasn't the right place for me at the same time.

Then, through contacts from La Senza I got my new job. It's not perfect, but it's good. And the people I work with are great. For ministry, it's a pretty strategic place to be. God took care of me, even through my doubts and unbelief.

Not that I don't believe tho....that's the thing. I just don't know how to use my faith. I dn't know how to live my belief sometimes. It's hard to trust, even when I know.

Miss Me?

I know, I havn't blogged for a long time. It's been a crazy month. Ben and I are almos tsettled in, my new job is great and I honestly and truly feel happy and at peace. Not that I havn't been happy or peaceful lately, I was just really stressed. I hadn't realized how much pressure I felt from work. My new job is much less stress, even though things are a bit hectic right now.

I'm also realizing how much I like communicating with people. To all my friends, I miss you. I don't have any long distance right now and I've lost most people's emails (i know, I'm horrible at keeping in touch) my email is sperry@the summit.ca if you want to say hi....I'd appriciate it.

I'm also learning a lot of thigns lately, but I'm trying to keep things to one major idea per blog, so you'll have to wait til later to find out what.

Finished the first book and other news

I finished Black by Ted Dekker, it was a good book, I definately would recommend it.

In other news, as of December 23 (or sooner) Ben and I will be the new residents of the 4404 39th Av NW basement suite. Yup, we have an appartment of our own. This brings a lot of challenges, including my sudden realization that a desk and bookcase just don't cut it as furniture, but is absolutely wonderful. Not only is it cheep with everything included, it's also a pretty nice place. Let me know when you plan on coming to visit. Another plus is that it's only about a 10 minute walk from the mall I work at.

Which brings me to the other news. I quit my job. But only because I had an offer from a friend for a better job at another store. I'm done at La Sena this coming Friday (the 16th) and start at Esprit on the following Monday (the 19th...did I mention we're moving on the 23?....what is it with me and grouping major changes all at once?) It sucks that I'm leaving at Christmas, especially when the store was already short staffed (and for some reason the other full timers decided to quit as well) but the new position pays more and will be less stressful in general. Basically I'll make the same ammount in 4 days at the new store as I was making working 40 hours at the old one.

So that's life at the moment, I'll let you know if anything else changes

On the Band Wagon

I decided I'd try my hand at the 50 book challenge. I'm not too concerned about the difficulty because I estimate that I read about that number of books in a year anyway.


Currently reading : Captivating and Black

Broken Hearted

I've discovered that I have a passion for people who have searched for God and been swallowed up by false organizations, specifically JW's and Mormons.

I have a friend who is JW, we've known each other for a little more than a year. Her heart longs for God, I have no doubt in my mind about that, but she is controlled, lied to, decieved. We were talking one time and she was amazed that we had anything in common in our beliefs at all. This is because she has been taught that every church outside of the watchtower works for satan in decieving people.

It might shock some people that there is any truth in the Watchtower Society, but there is. They do have the Bible, they just grosly misinterpret it. My desire is to see my friend be exposed to truth and come to a saving knowledge of Christ. She wants God, she is seeking truth, and alredy I think she is realizing that truth can exist outside of what she has been told.

It's dangerous work what I'm trying to do. She could be shunned by her family, including her husband. She has been told that even spending time with people like me could jepordize her standing in the eyes of God. But truth calls her.

I don't tell her that her beliefs are wrong. I don't even tell her she's being controlled and lied to - at least not yet. She is seeking truth, and I am exposing her to as much of it as I can.

This week I also had the opportunity to meet with some Mormon missionaries. They said at the beginning to listent o the impressions of my heart as they talked. And so I did. And what I felt was heavy - opression, lies, deception. I told them that. They were, at least, at one point they had been, searching for God. THey found answers, they found logic and a prospeous promise. They devoted themselves to the organization, and in doing so gave up their quest for God eternal. As we spoke two of them lsitened, the other - well, I pray that he is not too far gone.

The world is in crisis. There are so many people seeking out God but who have been lied to by these organizations. What are we doing about it? Telling them the truth is too hard - especially for those who have grown up in one of these organizations. We need to be with them as they search for truth - showing them we care about who they are not just what they believe.

I pray for them. I take every opportunity I can to meet with them and talk with them. God has promised that if we seek for Him we will find Him, pray that they keep seeking.

Oh the Pain

Guess what I found out yesterday. 2.25mm knitting needles, when sitting on the floor at a slight angle because of a work-in-progress can go 2 inches into a human foot without hardly any pressure at all.

Yup, I managed to impale myself on a knitting needle. 2ish inches went into my foot (not out the top, in along the bottom) and I had to pull it out. It didn't really hurt when it happened, kinda felt like when you get something stuck in your sock. Only I wasn't wearing any socks.

I don't recommend it. Not so much fun.

Why do people hurt?

My heart aches

There is so much hurt and pain and lonliness and lostness in the world, I just want to hug everyone, or si in a corner and cry, or something along those lines.

My heart aches for these people because I was one of them. I was depressed, I was suicidal, I was abused, I was mistreated and misunderstood. I was lost and felt unloved and unlovable, hopless, damaged and discarded, I didn't even believe God truly wanted me.

Then my life got turned around, I not only survived, I was healed and changed from the inside out.

Why can't everyone feel that transformation?

Most of the time the people who hurt so badly didn't even do anything wrong, they are paying for the sins of others. I hate it. The world should not work like that...why do we sit back and watch that happen.

People out there truly believe that there is no hope, that they are stuck, abandoned, usless. What are we doing about it?

Jesus can take their hurt away, but befre that can happen they need to know that they can be loved, that someone here on earth cares about them regardless of what they do or have done.

Do we have a place for the broken, for the downtrodden? Do we have a palce where they can feel their pain in safety? Where they can find purpose and be used? Do we have a place where they can laugh and cry and heal? Do people feel safe sharing their pain with us?

If we do not offer them love and hope and peace, where will they find it?

Holiness

I believe in holiness.

I believe it is possible to live a day to day life without intentional sin.

I believe that when/if we unintentionally sin and are made aware of it we need to confess and repent.

I believe it is possible to gain victory over habitual sins.

I believe when we sin we are responsible, it is not "because we're human" but because we are choosing to live in disobedience to God.

I believe that when we are forgiven we are clean and righteous in the eyes of God.

I believe God wants to work in each individual life and lead people into a lifestyle of obedience and holiness.

I belive sin interrupts our relationship with God, making it harder for us to be used by Him.

I believe no sin is unforgivable except for denying Christ through whom we gain forgiveness.

I believe that you can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest.

I believe that in true Christian community we are responsible for holding each other accountable, to confessing to one another as needed and upholding each other in prayer and support.

I believe that the world is seeking something true, genuine, life changing and does not accept Christianity because they do not see these key characteristics.

I believe that Christians are not only held accountable for the wrong they do but also the right they do not do.

I believe there is a life free from struggle and characterized with victory.

I believe that as a whole we have sold out and settle for a life that is less than what God intended, for a life free from condemnation but not free from bondage. I beleive that we allow ourselves to indulge in sin because we have accapted the lie that we will never be free. I believe that Christians who allow their brothers and sisters to intentionally sin are supporting disunity in the Body. I believe that pride and arogance are as harmful and damaging as adultery and murder. I believe that a relationship with God should be evident in the day to day and not only in church attendance. I beleive that we have diluted the powerful healing transforming work of God into a message of "try your best and see how it goes". I believe that the reason people don't experience victory over habitual sin is because they are not taught that it is possible. I believe that on our own we will continue to sin, and agree with Paul that it is no longer we who live, but Christ in us, and through Him all things are possible.

I believe that the body has been wounded by false teaching, false expectations and false pride.

I believe that there are those who have experienced freedom and victory, and that their stories should be told and heard.

I beleive that there is healing and hope and peace available to us as we turn our hearts towards Christ.

I beleive there are those seeking a fuller life and finding it.

I beleive that those who are living victorious will be beacons of light for the rest of the body.

I believe the Spirit is moving and calling us to a standard that we cannot attain on our own.

I believe in a closer walk with God, a deeper experience with Him and a more effective life as a result.

I believe holiness is a decision, but cannot be accomplished by our will, is an act of God, and that we have our part, is personal and is corperate.

I believe that coming to God is a process and that each day new areas may be revealed to be surrended, and that through the whole process we can be called holy.

I believe that when the world sees the change that happens in a life as a result of an encounter with God they will be drawn to Him.

The Para-Church

I have full knowledge that as I write this there will be people who disagree with me, including people I know who are planning to work in para-church ministries.

The Para-Church exists to meet needs of the community outside of the church walls. The idea is that people may not feel comfortable going to church, or that the church is not meeting felt needs well enough. These organizations may offer counseling, job training, food and shelter etc. that those around them truly need. This is all done in a Christian atmosphere but with no "Christian requirements" - the people receiving these services are not expected to go to church, read their Bible, grow closer to God etc. It is encouraged, but not pushed.

I think the only reason these organizations exist is because the church is not fulfilling it's responsibilites to the community at large. We are called to visit the sick and imprisoned, to clothe the naked, to feed the hungry, to give water to the thirsty. Historically, the church has done this very badly. During one of the famines in Ireland the people (most of which were pagan) were given the opportunity to receive food from the local church, if they would first go through confession and convert. The heart was right (at least I hope it was) - save their bodies and their souls - but we cannot turn God into a commodity, a bargaining chip. Come to church on Sunday and we'll help you find a job. Be part of this small group and we'll give you food. To do this is at best spiritual manipulation and at worst (and more likely) spiritual abuse.

Yes, we want people to be part of Christian community. Yes, we want to meet their needs. But the church should be able to perform both functions.

We see examples of this through Acts. Almost everything the early church did at the time added to the number of those who were being saved, and most of what they did would not fit in to what we call "evangelism". The met needs, they helped people, no strings attached. They loved, and that love brought the people they were loving on to God.

Didn't Jesus say they would know us by our love?

Not by our promotions, not by our preaching, not even by our relationship with Him, but by our love.

I think the ministry of parachurch organizations is good and necessary. But I think if the church fulfilled what it's function truly is that it would not be necessary.

Take a look at this church. They see a need, they meet it. The love, and the Spirit of God adds daily to the number of those being saved.

My New Experiment

So if you can't tell in the picture what's different (besides my hair being short, I did that a few months ago) I have died my hair black....blue black actually. Usually I stick with red tones but thought I'd try something different. What do you think? Personally, I really like it. Now I just have to make sure it doesn't fade to just blue, then I'd have to dye it again...stupid work rules.....

Redefining Success in Evangelism

If I was still at Bethany I would write this as a paper. For me, this is something very important. For a lot of my Christian life I either felt like a failure or came across too strong because I felt in order to "evangelize" (which is something that all Christians should want to do, not just feel they are required to) I had to get someone to "pray the prayer". If they didn't, I felt like I hadn't done my job, and they would be eternally condemned. If there was something in my soul that just told me they weren't there yet, I would panic and either stay away from the God topic all together or make them feel like a horrible person.

No wonder I wasn't "good" at evangelism.

However, all this time, it was important to me. God had made such a huge impact in my life, had changed who I was and given me hope I could not have had otherwise. How could I not want to share that story with people? How could I leave people, friends, family, who came to me for help, and not tell them about the help and healing that God offers. I hold nothing against the youth leaders etc. that were always telling me I needed to share my faith. They were right. The methods and measure of success, however, were very wrong.

See, it's like football (and I am by no means an expert on football, someone else had to point this out to me). The goal is to get the ball all the way to the end zone for a touchdown, however, each play is designed only to get the ball a few yards. When we tell someone about God, the idea is to eventually get them to a point where they encounter and fall in love with Him, but for some people they have a long way to go first.

At one point it was easier to use tracts and "salvation messages" because everyone already knew the basics. They knew God was good and they were not, and being forgiven was the way to reconcile the two. They were closer to ready.

Now, however, things are different. There are some people who don't think God is good, or who don't know who God is, or who think Christians are all horrible people and why would they want to be one of them. Or they don't realize that they're not good, or hat they need help (to quote Pastor John "you need to get people lost before you can get them saved"). What do we do with these people?

When we share our story of how God changed us it should be with the purpose of bringing someone closer to God, and understanding that does not necisarily mean they will be ready to follow Him. We might be able to ring them a few yards, and then somewhere later down the line they're close enough for the touchdown.

And this is Biblical too. It is the Spirit that draws all men to God, not our work. Our work is to not pull them further away. An encounter with God is still important, a decision for Him is vital, but first people need to be able to get to know who He is.

This understanding is changing the way I interact with people who don't know God. I'm more intentional now than I ever was before in sharing my faith. I try to see where people are and bring them even one step closer, praying that others in the life will be faithful and help them further along their journey to God.

Somebody's Pregnant

No, it's not me...not yet anyways

Dan and Joy (MacElhinney) Pusey are 6ish weeks pregnant (well, ok, Joy's the one that's actually pregnant, but Dan had his part in the whole thing too.

If you would like to congratulate them, send an email to joypusey@gmail.com or danpusey@gmail.com they'd love to hear from you.

And this will let me know if anyone reads this or not lol

A bowl of Stew (art): The Ideal

A bowl of Stew (art): The Ideal

My wonderful friend Lizbrought up the question of an ideal community on her blog, and it makes my heartsing because community is where my heart is, and was one of the major themes of the A2 conference and so is fresh on my mind.

First, a disclaimer - I am not picking on the Church, I am not complaining about the church. I am seeing a problem within the current functioning of the Body and giving ideas that will (hopefully) bring us back to our intended function.

I think the major problem within the church is the humanistic self-centered attitude that we have allowed, especailly as a north american culture, to slip into the church. Christians are taught that "Jesus died just for you" and while it is true that Jesus died for them, it is not true that it is "just" for anyone. Chist died so that ALL would live. Our salvation is not a personal salvation, it is the salvation of the whole world. When God blessed Abraham it was so that the world could be blessed through him. What God does for each of us is not just for us but for all the lives we may have the power to touch.

This self-centered mentality shows up in a variety of ways, but one of the ways most damaging to community is the "I just need to be fed" idea. Erwin McManus puts it in terms of "spiritual bulemia" - we starve ourselves throughout the week and then become gluttons on Sunday morning. Those of us who are in Christ have the fullness of God, we have access to Him at any point in time, we don't need anyone to feed us, we should have the ability to feed ourselves, or to come along side each other through small groups (or friends getting together, whatever you want to call it).

The function of the chuch should be makig it as easy as possible for people who are far away from God to get close to Him. That means helping people in real ways, that means being their friend, not trating them like a project. That means loving them where they are with a love that lets them know that they can be better people.

Something that I heard recently really stuck out to me. It was the idea that humanity, everyone, already has a desire to be better than they are, already feels a disconnect from God and already feels needs. We don't need to tell people that God can change their lives, we need to show them what God's change in our lives looks like.

That would be my ideal community. People striving to make the lives of those around them better instead of trying to get other people to make their lives easier. We don't need to worry about changing how people behave, God will do that.

A2

I was away last week. I was in Chicago at the A2 Willow Creek conference. I still haven't fully recovered or been able to process the whole event.

First off, 25 hours in a van with 4 other people wasn't at all what I expected it to be. The trip itself was wonderful, as was the ride back.

Secondly, Willow Creek (did anyone know that the church is actually by a creek with lots of weeping willows? The name makes sense now) is HUGE. Their new sanctuary seats 7095 people in 3 tears (I'll have pics up on my photo blog when I get a chance). Now, I've never really been a fan of mega churches for a bunch of reasons, the two most important being the practicality of it (organizing community in a large group would be very difficult) and also because I'll all for church planting. That aside, Willow does an amazing job. Even from the highest point furthest away from the stage it didn't feel like the nose bleed section. The entire sanctuary felt cozy, not huge. Hard thing to accomplish.

Now, as for the actual content of the conference, I'll get to that in a series of rants as I work thought it. I will say that it was amazing.

Thank you for loving me....

Than You for saving me, what can I say?
You are my everything, I will sing Your praise


I was just struck by the love of God

It's funny how we can know something, and we can feel it, and we can experience it, and still never understand it, never know it, never really feel it and completely miss out on it at the same time.

God always loves me, just as much today as every other day. But I don't always feel it, don't always know it. And anytime I think I do, I'm always shocked and amazed at how limited my view is.

You shed Your blood for me, what can I say?
You took me sin and shame
A sinner called by name

Most of the people who read this probably don't know this, but by my own power I would not be alive right now. I spent a long time depressed and lost in my own pain. I reached the point where I couldn't do it any more, couldn't win God's love, I just wasn't good enough. So I told Him that He had to fix it or I couldn't go on.

I guess I was asking God to prove that He loved me, even though I was far from where He wanted me to be.

Great is the Lord
Great is the Lord
For we know Your truth has set us free
You've set Your hope in me

Even after that amazing experience I still forget that amazing, wonderful unconditional love. I experienced saving grace in a very literal sense, and I still forget, I still worry, I still wonder if things *really* will work out or not.

In short, I'm stupid.

I won't say I'm human, because true humanity, my restored humanity, is secure in God. Doubting God isn't human, it's sinful.


Mercy and grace are mine, forgiven is my sin
Jesus, my only hope, the Saviour of the world

God loves me. No, that's not enough, it's not just me He loves.

God loves humanity, God loves His creation, and everything about Him is about restoring it to what we all should be experiencing.

How could I forget that? How can I miss that.

"Great is the Lord" we cry
God let Your Kingdom come
Your word has let me see
Thank You for saving me

I think the reason we forget the love of God is because we don't live it. We keep trying to do life by ourselves. We keep trying to earn God's love instead of living in it. There is freedom in love.

I don't know how to change this, but I know God is renewing my mind so that His love, His plan is rooted in my very heart, my very soul.

Maybe right now experiencing God's love all the time would be too much for me.....

I have (not) arrived

I'm working full time at a job and part time with a church. My husband has a full time job and is co-director of children's ministries at the same church. Once we get a house, it would be safe to say we've settled, that we've arrived, that we're doing what we will be for the rest of our lives.

But that's not it.

This isn't what we want to be doing for the rest of our lives. I love my job at the store, but I will only be there as long as necessary. I want to be full time at the Summit, but that just can't happen right now.

And I see the faces of people as they dig in to what God has said and I see the changes in them as God grabs hold of their hearts and it makes me praise and all of me desires to do that all the time.

But I can't.

And Ben loves his job too. It's a little frustrating at times because of the schedule, but he likes it, and once he's been there a little longer the pay will be great. But it's not where he's supposed to be either. When we can, he's going to go back to school, and when God says we're ready, we're going to go to Japan.

It's hard to be in the in between. To do what we need to do just so we can get to the next step. Or maybe it's just hard for me because I lack patience.

Miscommunications

I think differently than a lot of people. Well, not really, I just think differently than a lot of people I know.

This causes problems, because things I say, while making perfect sense to me, make little or no sense to them. Or, even worse, are taken completely in the wrong way. This is what happens when two people are speaking two different languages. Words are not absolute, they are fluid, and can have any meaning that a person chooses to give them at a time.

This becomes especially frustrating when talking to people about God. For some, hearing about God as "Leader" of their life is a perfectly pleasant and wonderful idea....for others, it gives a sort of "ick" feeling for some unknown reason. Not that leader is a bad way of describing the relationship we can have with God, no worse or better than Master, Saviour, Father, Lord, King etc. Slightly less biblical (then again, any english word isn't technically biblical) but not better or worse.

The meanings (some people call them connotations, but when the "usual" meaning of a word is swallowed in connotations ...say like the word gay....it's safe to say the meaning has changed) of words depend on our experiences, on our worldview and, at times, on our moods.

So with all this mess in the way, how can real communication take place?

I'm learning through experience that the key to communication is not speaking but listening. Through listening we can learn the meaning of the words the other person is using, then fit them in to what we are saying. Without listening there is no communication, only noise, only confusion, frustration, pain.

So why don't we listen? Obviously, because we want to be heard. However, if we want others to know our story, the way we think, the way we feel, what matters to us, we must first listen. We must agree upon a langauge, and stop the noise.

It's amazing what you can learn about a person when you listen.

A new thought on Truth

I'm reading "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell right now, and it's really streching me in the very best of ways. What is sticking out to me most though is his discussion of truth, and the need to claim truth all around us.

I have always understood that Christianity does not have a monopoly on truth. Why Jesus is the Way, Truth and Life, there are other religions that, in their quest to fing God, have found glimpses of truth. Rob Bell takes this idea further and proclaims the need for Christians, as heirs with Christ, to claim truth wherever they see it.

This is really a freeing concept. No need to feel that we cannot practice certain things that are found in other religions just because they are found in other religons. Dance is a part of religous cerimony in many cultures because they realize the truth that dace can be a way to connect with God. Yes, they misuse that truth, but I, as a Christian, can claim it and feel free to dance before my Lord and King.

There is no need to feel anxious or nervous when we find ourselves agreeing wth priciples or beliefs of other religions, if it is true, it is God, an we can claim it, like Paul did when he spoke to those on Mars Hill about their own poets knowing the truth that we were created by God, even if they did not know the God they were refering to. We can use this commmon ground to build bridges, to bring people together and show them the Ultimate Truth instead of just telling them that they are wrong.

I like this idea

Living Grace

I work at a mall, so in the course of a day at work, I see a lot of people, and every day at some point my heart breaks and I cry out to God for them. There are so many people in this city and the vast majority of them (over 90%) don't know the love and grace that comes from God. They don't know the freedom that they can have. I see broken and hurting people, when I smile at them it seems to just fill them and break them at the same time.

I want to save the world, or at least this small part of it. I want my life to have an impact on the lives of those around me, whatever that takes and whatever it means.

Jehovah Jirah

I've been reading the blogs of a few friends lately and noticing a theme - we're all amazed when God does exactly what He said He will do. Now, I'm not saying I don't feel the same way, or that we shouldn't be amazed at miracles, but there are times when we're just so dense.

Ok, now I'm talking from personal experience. I know I need to trust God, I know God will provide for me, but I guess there's always this little bit of me that wonders "well, what if He doesn't"

Ben is getting on full time at the place he's been working as a temp. The wage will be between 13.75 and 15 something to start. I am amazed by this. How can it be that God would work that out. I mean, isn't it supposed to be harder than this?

I have another job offer too. For the past month or so I've been working at LaSenza (my 3rd job since moving to Calgary), making not very much money. I have an interview with a bank next week, full time, days, no weekends, starting at 10.00/h. But I don't know what to do. I see God opening this door, and there's a part of me wondering if it's just a trick. I mean, He's already given me a job, wouldn't it be a lack of faith in His prvision to look at getting something that pays more.

I want to follow God, I want to be where He wants me to be, and, I am. I'm in Calgary, I'm working at the church. And I'm starting to realize that whatever my second job is He will use me and provide for us.

Pray that the interview goes well

Corporate Worship

I had a really good conversation with my husband last night about corporate worship. Well, really we were talking about the problem of an individualistic mindset within Christianity, but it lead to a discussion about worship, and I'd really appreciate feedback on this.

A lot of times in services I can remember being told to "close my eyes, block out everyone else and just meet with God" during a worship service. I'm starting to think that is entirely the wrong way to approach corporate worship. To meet with God is good, but to ignore the presence of everyone around me in order to do it just doesn't feel right. What is the point of gathering together if we are all going to build mental rooms to block everyone else out.

corporate worship should involve everyone. We should be aware of those around us and aware of their connection with God. There are times when I *gasp* open my eyes and look around during worship and watch other people. To see someone encountering God is amazing. To watch the changes in their expression, in their posture, just a light flowing through them causes me to worship God. To see another person not so connected, perhaps upset or distracted leads me to pray for them, to ask God to give them comfort and draw them to Him.

When we worship together I think it should be together, a shared experience, not a collection of individual experiences. Our mindset needs to change so that we are open with our connection to God, not hiding it. There still needs to be a servant heart, not doing things that would intentionally distract people, but freedom to share the experience.

Ok, so I finally got around to putting up some wedding pictures on my photoblog...hope you all enjoy! 

New Photoblog

Check out my new photo blog at sapfotoes.blogspot.com

The Use of Tongues

Another Voice: True Story

This is not the only story I have heard about people speaking/understanding other languages.

YHWH - Jehovah, Jireh, Raah and Rapha

YHWH - these letters appear together over 6500 times in the OT, a name for God whose translation was lost as it was unused to keep from the possibility of taking it in vain. Rendered as LORD in most Bibles, we loose the meaning. YHWH - the self existent omnipotent God.

Jehovah Jireh - the God who provides. I find it interesting that in Genesis 22, when Abraham is asked to sacrifice his son, his only son, the fulfillment of the promise of nations, he knows already that God will provide. His obedience is total, his faith secure, not matter what it is the LORD asks, He will provide.

Jehovah Raah - the Lord our shepherd. The 23 Psalm can teach us a lot about God. He leads us, He doesn't drive us or heard us like cattle. We can know His voice. Jesus used the wonderful language of the shepherd in John 10. The shepherd protects His sheep, fighting off evil. One person in my group had the visual of Jesus with a light saber.

Jehovah Rapha - the Lord our Healer. In Jeremiah 30:17 the Lord promises to heal His people. People who had rejected Him and gone their own way, people who did not listen to His warnings, people who were called rejected by those around them. Jesus healed many while on earth, not just physically. He healed spirits and hearts and minds. No matter what the cause of our pain, the Lord with heal.

El Shaddai and El Elyon: Almighty God and Most High God

These two names for God show different facets of God's power. El Shaddai is used a lot sorrounding God's promises, especially the promise of descendants to Abraham and Jacob. I would imagine that by the time Jacob heard the promise of nations he would have been a bit cynical, there had only been two sons born to his father and only two born to Abraham. Then God reveals Himself as the Almighty God. Almighty, able to fulfill the promise.

Almighty is also used a lot in Job, describing how God is Almighty when He provides and also Almighty when He takes away.

El Elyon is used talking about God's power and dominion and soveringty. Nebuchadnezzar spoke of the Most High when his senses returned to him and he finally understood God's rule over the heavens and the earth.

El Shaddai and El Elyon - God not only has the power to fulfill His promises, and the soveringty and dominion to see it done. The God who protects His people and destroys His enimies, who is just and righteous in His judgement. Who gives rest in His shadow.

Knowing for Sure

I love it in Calgary. Ben loves it in Calgary. The decision to come here was made after a lot of prayer and a lot of confirmation. There were a lot of doors that opened and a lot of things that made it a little eaier. Otherwise, we would not have been able to come here at all.

Now things are getting a little tougher. We want to be able to save up to get a house, but in order to do that we need money. We're ok with making sacrifices, but it's hard. Honestly, I don't know how it is going to work out.

Now don't think that I am regretting coming here, not at all, because I know...well, I knew, that God wanted us here. Now it's just having to trust that He still wants us here and that He will provide.

Nothing is too difficult for my God, but I still find myself trying to find the answers on my own, trying to make it work myself. I'm not so good at it.

I know God will take care of us, it's just one of those hard times right now. We'd appriciate your prayer

Elohim - Creator God

The first name used for God in the Bible is Elohim (Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning, Elohim created the heavens and the earth")

Its interesting, Elohim is word used to talk about many gods, such as the gods of the other nations, but in reference to the Creator, it is always used as a singular (Elohim and He appearing together, instead of They, which would be more gramatically correct). Deuteronomy 6:4 says "the Lord your Elohim (plural) is one".

Elohim is used mostly to speak of God's creative power or to speak about God in reference to creation (such as the earth trembling before Him). Elohim is the name used in Jeremiah 32:27 "Behold, I am the LORD, the Elohim of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me?" - understanding Elohim as describing the creative power of God, this verse takes on new meaning "I am the Lord who created everything, is anything too difficult for Me?"

To know God as Elohim is to know Him as creator, as able to make, remake, sustain and control. It is to understand that He has created the world with a purpose (Isaiah 45:18) and to realize that we are part of that purpose, and that as His creation we too have a purpose. To see God as Elohim is to be swept up in the realization that the God who created all the world, before whom creation trembles is our Elohim, cares for us, looks after us, is with us.

The Name of the Lord

Over the next few weeks I'm doing a study with my home group about the name of the Lord. It amazes me how the Lord has revealed so much of Himself through His names, and it saddens me that so often we ignore the importance of His names.

He is Father, Lord of Armies, the God who Provides
He is Peace, He is Shepherd, He is the Lord our Sanctifier

Knowing who God is, knowing the roles He fills in our lives is vital. Knowing that He is the Lord who sanctifies takes the pressure off of us, takes away the sense that we somehow make ourselves holy before Him.

I think it's sad that the names of od, the names describing who He is, are not used by many Christians, at least most Christians I know. I think we miss out on truly knowing God personally because we do not know His name, the most personal thing about Him.

Examining cynicism

My friend Dave is wondering about the cynics that seem to be taking over his youth. I offered some opinion on the subject, then he asked something along the lines of how to show that love is genuine and not driven by numbers.

In Christianity, especially with those who lead Christian groups, there is an emphasis on numbers - numbers mean people are coming, mean the ministry is working, mean things are getting done. They are a measure of success. It's even Biblical, in Acts and elsewhere numbers are mentioned.

But I'm not convinced that numbers are the only (or best) way to measure success. I mean, there could be 100 people at an event, but 50 of them could be there trying to hook up (especially speaking in the youth context), another 20 could be there to get away from their parents, 10 could have been made to go by their parents, leaving about 20 who actually want to be there. Yes, all of them will have the opportunity to "get saved" at the event, but is that really how success should be measured?

It goes to motivation - is the purpose of what is happening to "get people saved" (i.e. to get emotional, say a prayer, and not know where to go from there), or to bring people into a relationship with Christ (it is different, trust me). With too narrow of a plan, with too narrow of a focus, the measure of success would be how many people came to the alter, and to increase the odds of how many people do that, increase how many people come - success is numbers.

If the purpose is to see people move from not loving God to loving Him, then how many people go to the alter doesn't matter so much, because maybe only 5 took that step, but another 50 listened and didn't ignore the whole thing, didn't walk out when they had the chance, and might have changed their mind about this whole God thing.

Problem is, things like that are hard to measure....In fact, without knowing the person, there is no way of knowing if any change happened at all, so numbers themselves become useless.

I think the way to show people that we do not have an agenda is to not have an agenda. Have a purpose, but have the same purpose with everyone we come into contact with - helping them get closer to God, no matter where they may be at the moment. That is how we should love people, how we should love anyone. That will keep people from becoming lost and ignored once they "get saved", that will show people we really care about them, no matter what they do, think, say, or believe.

Loving people this way forces us to know them, to care about them, to want to help them. It takes away the pressure for them to do something, thus taking away the sense that we are manipulating or waiting for a certain reaction in order to accept them.

This may not cure cynicism, but it will take away the reason for it.

Amusement Park Spirituality

I took some children to an amusement park recently. It was a lot of fun, and I made an observation. People are willing to spend money, wait a long time in line, and all for a brief reward.

Basically, people give up personal rights (you have to stand in line, not go anywhere else) without hesitation for a brief enjoyment, knowing that the enjoyment will be brief.

But you ask someone to give up a little bit of money to help someone else, and they have a hard time. Or tell someone that they can't do such and such and they make a big deal about personal rights.

Taken to God, this means that people will not give up personal rights (like sinning) in order to gain an ultimate return (life with God).

So why not? Why are we so concerned about out own personal rights when it comes to our relationship with God? Why do we hold on to meaningless things and forfit the awesome amazing things that God has for us?

I want to spend my life on a ride, I want to enjoy every moment of it, hold nothing back....but from experience that is easier said than done.

Opposite Emtions

I was reading Isaiah today, where the prophet is speaking to thecity of Jerusalem, lamenting that when God has told them to weep and mourn because of their coming destruction, they are instead celebrating.

Do we do the same thing?

There are millions of people on the earth dying, starving, being killed, being abused, depressed, and any number of other things, and yet most of the time, we pay no attention to that fact. there are people who suffer daily, do we really understand this?

I personally try not to think too much about it because I can't handle it, I know I can't fix the problem, so I pretend it is not there. Somehow I think that is not the right way to deal with it.

On the other side, we can't focus on that stuff too much, because we also need the freedom and ability to celebrate all that God has done and is doing in the world. We need to rejoyce and dance and laugh and play and explore the riches of God's great love and kindness for us.

can we do both?

"for everything there is a season" - I think that's the key.

We need the bitter to understand the sweet, and to celebrate the good to fully apriciate the bad. The balance lies somewhere between the two. Acknowledging the direction the world is heading in while at the same time celebrating the work of God within the world.