a vbac story

Prodromal labour started at 37ish wks. I was 2cm dialated and everyone (Dr, doula, family, myself) figured baby would come pretty darn quick. It didn't. July 11th we sent Hana to her grandparents and Ben started his parental leave - again thinking things would start soon. We figured this would be the best way for me to be able to relax and prepare myself for labour. I also wanted to labour at home as long as possible, so having Hana underfoot would have been difficult.

And so things remained until my 40wk appointment. At this point I was getting regular strong ctx every night from about 11-2, and also through the day depending on my activity. I was missing Hana like crazy, but it didn't make sense to bring her home as MIL and FIL live 3 hours away, and labour could still start at any time. It was getting frustrating. To top it off, at that appointment the Dr (one in the group I hadn't seen yet) informed me my cervix was still very long. She wanted to induce me that Friday (25th), but said instead I could just go for a NST and u/s and talk with the gyno and go from there.

So thats what we did. I wasn't happy with the thought of induction for a VBAC, but at least they hadn't scheduled me for a section. I spent the days between appointments doing all I could to encourage labour to start.

Friday morning before my appointment I was woken up at 6 by the ctx. These were really strong and unprovoked - that was a really good sign. I put off calling the hospital until the afternoon, just to give as much time as I could for things to pick up on their own.

At 10 the hospital called me and asked I come in at 1:30. We called our doula and let her know - she decided to come with us, just incase they decided to induce. The appointment went really well - the gyno said baby had lots of fluid, the placenta was still working (tho had started to calcify) and that she'd rather have me go on my own than induce me. Still, an induction was scheduled for Monday, just in case. She said I was nice and soft and less than 50% length, so she stripped me and said she hoped I went on my own over the weekend.

After that, I came home and slept, then went for a walk. In the early evening things started picking up again, and at one point (don't remember the time) we decided to call the doula again. I was having trouble focussing through the ctx on my own and thought I could use the help. Around 3 (I think) things started slowing down again and we all slept. By 8 they were back to the ctx I had been having for weeks and we were all tired and exhausted. The doula went home, Ben and I went back to bed.

We woke up at 12, and as soon as I sat up things were much different. Ctx were more intense (not really more pain at that point, just deeper) and coming ever 7 minutes. I laboured on my own between the birth ball, the bed and the shower until 6 - ctx were 5 minutes appart by then so we called the doula back. After she arrived we walked, focussed, massaged and walked more until the ctx were 2 minutes appart - showtime!

We got to the hossy (less than 5 minutes away). I had a ctx in the car when we arrived. I had another in the parking lot and another inside the door of emerg (it was past 8 so thats how we had to go in). Another on the way to the birthing unit and one more when I got settled in the labour room - it was roughly 9 pm. The nurse checked me and I was a "streachy" 3. I had so been looking forward to the whirlpool tub, but had to wait until I was at least 4.

So we walked. And showered. And went on the birth ball. And walked. They checked me at 11 - no change. More walking, more birth ball, meditation, massage. My hips and back had been killing me for weeks (sciatia and an old muscle injury), and each ctx made the pain in those areas more annoying. Pressure on my back and hips during the ctxs helped, but I was really looking forward to that tub. Ctx had slowed to almost 3 minutes, which didn't surprise us. I had to get a hep-lock (hossy policy to have a line available for a VBAC) and two blood draws, and I'm really nervous about needles. Still, we figured slow progress was still progress, so we had the nurse check me again at 1.

And there was no change. I was slightly more effaced, but I honestly think she just said that because I looked like I was going to cry. She suggested we all try to get some sleep.

Yeah, sleep. With ctx coming every 3 minutes. So we tried. Ben and our doula got a bit (they brought in a cot for Ben and there was a reclining chair in the room, it was nice), but I was having issues. Just when I thought I might drift off I had another ctx and felt something move in an odd way. A few minutes later I really had to pee. As I stood up, the room flooded.

Ok, not really flooded, but it was certainly more water than I had expected. After I felt that ctx before I waited for water, but none came, so the realization that yes, my water HAD broken kind of surprised me. So glad this didn't happen anywhere but at the hospital!

So from that point sleeping was out. We had the nurse check me, I was now 3 and a half. Well, at least there was progress. I laboured on the toilet for a while, then the tub, then the shower, then walking, then the ball. My doula kept commenting how great I was doing and how if I could see myself in a video later I'd think it was so beautiful. I told her I didn't think it was very beautiful. The ctx were coming HARD and at this point seemed like there was barely a minute between them. I was having a very hard time staying on top of them and nothing seemed to work.

At 7 I asked for gas and air. I needed something to take the edge off and nothing was working. The gas was nice, helped me relax through the ctx instead of fighting them. I really thought I was making progress. At 9 I was checked - no change. 12 hours of intense labour and I had gone about half a cm. I was not ok with that. There was no way I could keep going at that pace - first of all it was a VBAC and they wouldn't let me. Secondly, my water had broken so I was on the clock (18 hours and baby needs a NICU stay, 24 hours and it's a c/s). Thirdly, I couldn't handle it emotionally.

After the prodromal labour, the lack of progress and how badly I felt I was dealing with the pain, I felt my body was going to fail me and I would end up with another c/s. I was given two options - pit and an epi, or a c/s.

I took the first option - I was wanting a drug free birth, but more than that I was wanting to avoid a c/s (unless medically necessary, of course), so I chose the epi. Ben and the doula were a little surprised and tried to encourage me to keep going, but I knew that just wasn't going to work. 6 hours with no change, even with the gas and working hard to accapt the pain didn't give me much hope against the clock. I have no regrets about my decision.

It took almost two hours to get the epi. There was a miscommunication between the anestatist and the Dr (wonder what would have happened had I needed an emergency c/s....). In the mean time, I kept on labouring, sometimes with the air, sometimes not. Right before they gave me the epi they checked again - 4 plus! We all found it kind of ironic (and sad in a funny way), but I didn't care, I was so looking forward to some relief!

Remember my fear of needles? Yeah, that includes tubes being inserted in my spine. I didn't cry tho, I was just too excited to get a break from the constant pain. It took no time at all to get it in, and it took effect just as another ctx was coming. Bliss.

It was odd being able to move my legs but not having any real control over how far I moved them - different from the spinal for my c/s where I couldn't move at all. I profusely thanked the epidural man - he was my new best friend. Then they got the synthetic oxytocen going along with an IV line. At this point I was happy to have the hep-lock already in, it just made it one step faster and I didn't have to think about it.

Because of my previous c-section I had to be constantly monitoured, so I had a nurse in the room the whole time and was hooked up to the machine. Didn't really bother me at all seeing as I couldn't move anyway. The only problem was the contractions weren't registering on the monitor very well - I could feel them happening (the pressure) but they just weren't showing up right. No big deal tho - I could still feel enough to know if something went wrong and the nurse was there to watch for signs of rupture or if my uterus couldn't handle the drug.

Once that was all done, I fell asleep. Sleep was good. I'd half wake up every now and then and adjust, but mostly it was just sleep for two and a half hours. When I woke up, I was shivering and felt very nauseous. They figured the nausea was because of the drugs, but couldn't figure out why I was so cold. I got a couple warm blankets, they checked my temp, everything seemed normal. Out of curiosity I mentioned transition (remember I wasn't even 5 cm (after being there for 14 hours!) 3 hours earlier), and the nurse said she'd check me.

So she checks me, and gets this odd look on her face, and I'm thinking "great, still no change, how long will they let me go like this?" and she gets a big smile and says "you're 10cm, you can push with the next contraction".

At first I didn't believe her. There was just no way I could be ready to push already, pushing was still far away as far as I was concerned. I asked her if she was sure, I was excited and a little scared. This was at 2 pm. She started taking the bed apart, let the Dr. know I was ready and at 2:30 I started pushing.

That part was odd. I couldn't feel it at all. My left leg/abdomen was completely numb, my right side had a bit of sensation around my hip and inner pelvis, but that was it. So I did what I thought was a push and everyone said "Great job" so I figured I got it right and kept on going.

The spot on the inner pelvis that still had feeling hurt a lot while I was pushing (found out later there was a loop of cord beside Eli's face on that side, so I'm guessing that's what was causing the problem), as was my hip, but otherwise there was no pain at all. It was a very slow descent - he'd come forward, slide back, over and over again. Ben did so great here - he'd hold my leg while I pushed, feed me ice in between and let me know baby was still coming. I kept asking if there was progress and if baby was tolerating it alright - I wanted to go nice and slow, but knew a lack of progress would be a bad thing. It was so exciting every time he came forward just a bit, and when his head finally didn't slip back there were cheers.

During the pushing there were a couple of bleeds - vaginal tears, nothing serious, but the Dr. still had to check them out. He was wonderful - very patient, laid back, never made me worried about rupture or anything else. Once he was sure the bleed wasn't serious he'd step back and let the nurse take over again. I was really glad of that - so long as he wasn't worried no one else needed to be.

Once we got to the point where he was below my pubic bone I had already been pushing for two hours. They started pushing me to pick up the pace a bit and get him out. I pushed as hard as I could (at least I think that's what I did, I still couldn't feel anything) and then all of a sudden there were more people in the room, there was a warm towel on my chest and the Drs (there was a resident there as well) were getting ready. I was in shock, it seemed so surreal. Then someone said he was crowning, and someone else said there's an ear, and I felt him turn inside me and then slide out.

And I cried and there was this little perfect person on my chest. And he was whimpering and coughing and breathing and turning pink. He didn't cry right away (but was breathing, so not a problem) and I just couldn't believe it. And then I lifted his leg and saw it was a boy and started crying. It was the most beautiful moment. I didn't care that I was naked and splayed, that there were tons of people in the room, it was just me and this perfect little person I had just brought into the world.

Ben cut the cord and after 10 minutes or so they wiped him down and measured him. While I was getting stitched up (which btw seemed to take FOREVER!) he nursed for the first time. They were a little concerned about my bleeding and so had to massage my uterus for a while and start another drip to keep me contracting, but it wasn't too horrible.

I had a second degree tear and a few minor tears that didn't need stitches. Eli had a little trouble regulating his body heat for the first day, but lots of skin to skin time helped with that - he didn't need to spend any time away from me at all. We were discharged on Tuesday and have been doing great since. There was a little trouble with nursing, but a trip to a wonderful LC helped with that and now things are just perfect.

Announcement

The short story

Sorry I haven't given much information, it's been an exhausting week! There will be a (much) longer birth story coming as soon as I get time to finish it.

Elias James was born at 4:59 on Sunday, July 27th. He weighed 8lbs 2 oz and was 21 inches long.

Labour started (and didn't stop for a change) at noon on Saturday, contractions were 2 minutes apart by 8 so we headed into the hospital, at 9 I was all settled in. At 2 am my water broke, and at 7 I had only progressed about a cm from where I had started. At 9 I decided to get oxytocen and an epi, those were started at 11 (I was then 4+ cm). At 2 I woke up shivering and was 10 cm! I started pushing at 2:30 and he made a nice, slow entrance into the world!

He's perfect!

Labour

This has been an interesting week.

For two weeks I had been in "prodromal" labour - meaning irregular (but productive) contractions. Wasn't too bad, just a lot of waiting for things to get regular.

Things got regular Monday night and through Tuesday my contractions were coming roughly every 10 minutes, but were still rather mild. I had graduated into "early" labour.

And that brings us to today. Contractions are still (mostly) 10-15 minutes apart, strong enough that I notice them but not horrible by any means. So far it's been a long, slow process, but not a bad one at all. It's exciting to let my body do this on it's own, slowly preparing for the birth of my child.

Tonight Hana will be taking a trip to Woodstock to visit her grandparents, and we're hoping that will give me one less thing to worry about and might kick things into active labour. I saw the Dr. on Wednesday and she's pretty confident I won't make it to my appointment next Tuesday.

20 Months

My baby girl is growing up so fast!

I had the most wonderful experience today. I went to my OB appointment while Hana had a play date with one of her friends (Thanks Christina for watching her for me!). When I got into the office, one of the other moms looks at me and says "oh, you don't have your little girl today!" - I explained and she turned to a friend who was waiting with her and started talking about how sweet and well behaved and polite and fun Hana is. Now, when I have my appointments, I let Hana just wander around the waiting room. She colours, talks, looks through magazines etc., never getting into any trouble, but definitely isn't one of those kids who sits quietly and waits. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to hear such positive things about my child from a stranger.

Hana is learning to set boundaries and express her will. There are plenty of opportunites for power struggles, but we're working really hard at avoiding them, empowering her with her decisions as much as possible, and letting her know we understand it's frustrating when we can't. At the same time, she's learning to share and to take care of others, as well as (hopefully) learning to contain her impatience when she has to wait.

She knows something is going on with me right now. She's been very protective of me, and has needed a lot of touch and re-assurance lately. Once again I am so glad I invested in good carriers! I don't know how I'd ever get anything done otherwise!

Her newest thing is playing pretend. She'll spend a long time standing beside the night stand in our room "cooking" and then pretending to eat what she's cooked. She always shares it too. She mimics a lot of things she sees us doing - like tonight spooning imaginary powder into a water bottle just like Ben does when he makes ice tea. She's also taken an interest in dolls - especially my cloth baby doll from when I was little. One day she picked it up and said "Maymay. Back. Wrap. Wrap Maymay back!". It was a proud moment for me! I cut a strip from some leftover fabric and now she has her own little sling. It's precious - see!



I love this child more than I ever thought possible. We have our moments when we both get frustrated, but it's always temporary and ends with hugs and kisses and lots of fun. I'm so amazed as i watch her grow and so proud of the child I see her becoming.

37 weeks

Things are moving

I had a wonderful appointment today. Apparently those contractions I've been feeling for a week are actually accomplishing something - I'm 1 cm and 40% effaced, and the Dr was touching the baby's head - all very good signs!

So now I'm getting anxious to meet this little one. I know, it could still be two or more weeks, but I really feel baby will be here before my EDD (July 18th).

So, help me guess. I set up a poll, just click here


and guess gender, date and size of baby.

This pregnancy has been SO different from Hana's, but she was also breech the whole time, so it's hard to say if that's what is making the difference or not. I'm still carrying on the high side (even tho baby is engaged), but that's mostly because I'm short. Baby's heart rate is always over 140, usually around 145 (resting). Hana was 6lbs14oz and was born at 39wks, but she was scheduled. I was just as sick each time, but in less pain this time around. Don't know if any of that info helps with the guessing, but there it is.

Affirmations

God designed my body for birth, all I need to do is trust and it will happen.

My baby knows when to come into the world.

Pressure I feel at my incision is not a reason to worry, just a reminder that I am a mother.

I can birth my baby.

I can breastfeed my baby.

I am strong and powerful, I can do this.

Right now my body is getting ready for birth, I will trust and listen to it.

Birthright

As I get close and closer to the birth of my second child, I'm feeling compelled to reflect on Hana's birth.

It's something I haven't talked about with many people, mostly because many people don't understand. And those who do understand wish that they didn't.

Hana's birth, according to most, was perfect. She was breech through the whole pregnancy and so a cesarean section was scheduled for 39 weeks. I was prepared for the surgery - the IV, the spinal, the incision and what recovery would be like. Aside from being delayed over an hour, everything went according to plan. There was a bit of tearing to my abdominal muscles, and the anesthetic numbed me to my collarbones, but otherwise it was textbook. Recovery was fairly easy - I had no morphine as was able to control the pain with extra strength Tylenol. It was a successful surgery.

And that is exactly what it felt like - a surgery. I had gone in for surgery and came home recovering from surgery, and the by-product of that was this tiny little human that they had taken from my womb. In some ways it felt like I was bringing home my appendix in a glass jar.

Yes, I know, be thankful for medical technology, at least we were both healthy, that's all that mattered, right?

Except it wasn't all that mattered. I suddenly had this child that I was not emotionally, physically or hormonally prepared for. Don't get me wrong, I loved her from the first moment I saw her. I adored her and thought she was beautiful. But I wasn't connected to her.

For the first few days I tried to hide it, ignore it, anxiously awaiting that moment when I'd feel she was mine. As we struggled with nursing it got worse, to the point where she would start crying and I would just hand her to Ben. My inability to feed her just confirmed the feelings that she wasn't my baby.

For weeks I would casually remark to Ben that it felt like at any moment someone would come to the door to pick her up. Like she was just on loan to me and her real mother was somewhere else. Again, I loved her, cared for her, thought she was beautiful and wonderful, but wasn't attached to her.

I missed the first 12 weeks or so of Hana's life. I was present for it, but I don't really feel I was part of it. It wasn't post-pardum depression - it only involved her, and I wasn't really unhappy. we just had attachment issues.

I had used a sling every now and then from the time we got home from the hospital, but as I realized the feelings weren't going away, I started using it more. We also started bringing Hana in bed with us, and I would nap with her during the day. Most days, she spent at least 20 hours either in the wrap or sleeping beside me. I could smell her. She could feel my breath and hear my heart. I got to know every movement, every face, every noise she made.

That's when it happened. That's when it clicked for us. I was her mama, and she was my baby, and everything was finally right in the world. We spent months attached like that - even when she was 6 months old she was still in a carrier for 4-8 hours a day. She took at least one nap either beside me in bed or in the sling until she was 9 months old. Even now, at almost 20 months and 36 wks pregnant I will still lay down with her, hold her, or put her in a carrier when we're feeling disconnected. We have such a strong bond, such a wonderful connection. She's so secure, so independent, but when she needs it she knows she can always go to her mama for a snuggle.

This is probably the biggest reason I am doing things differently this time around. I don't want to miss that precious newborn time. I don't want to feel like a failure from my first moments as a mother with this child. I want to know, to prove, that my body, my heart and my spirit know how to bring a child into this world and connect with it. I want to know for sure that it wasn't because of me - some lack of compassion or whatever on my part - that we had such problems in the beginning, but that we were victims of misinformation and circumstances.

To my Unborn Child

First of all, know that you are loved. You were loved since the moment of your conception, and before that, we loved the idea of you. We planned for you, hoped for you, prayed for you, and were thrilled to hear of your pending arrival. All day long I feel you moving, I usually have a hand over you, anxiously awaiting when I can hold you with my arms instead of my womb. Your father falls asleep nightly with his arms around us both, keeping us safe and secure. Your sister cuddles and kisses you every chance she gets. If nothing else in life, know that you are loved and wanted.

I know that through this pregnancy I have complained about the aches and pains, the pokes and prods, and the fact that you stand on my bladder (Which I had suspected and had proven on ultrasound). Never have any of those complaints been a sign of regret or unhappiness on my part. You'll learn through your life that sometimes I whine, but only in an attempt to share my experiences with those that I love. Feeling you move inside me brings me so much joy and excitement. I love watching my belly dance, love seeing how full of life you are. I can't wait to meet you.

I'm so anxious for that moment when I'll wrap you in my arms, close to my heart where you belong. You'll hear my heartbeat just as you have for your whole existence, and I will feel your movements just as I have these past few months. We'll look one another in the eye for the first time, but it won't be a meeting of strangers. We have always known each other.

I see your sister as the ocean - a powerful, determined force full of beauty and assurance. You I picture as a tree - strong, comforting, firm and beautiful. These are things I pray for you. I pray for you to be strong, to have a strength that comes from within, from your knowledge of who you are, of right and wrong and how the world works. I pray for you to be a comfort to those around you, to share their load without being overcome with it. I pray you will be firm in what you believe and in what you know, that the paths you take will inspire a passion in you that you could never dream of forsaking. I pray you will be beautiful in who you are, in how you treat others and in how you live your life. That you will see the beauty in all that is around you, never taking it for granted.

My precious child, through your life things will not always be perfect, they may not even always be good. There will be times when you'll be broken, or feel alone or afraid. There are times that I will be the cause of that, and I want to apologize in advance. No matter what happens, we'll find a way through it. We are never alone in this life, and there are times when it is not our responsibility to act, but to believe.

I so deeply want to instill in you a sense of spirituality, a desire to connect with the Divine, to seek Him out with all of your heart and soul and find your ultimate rest with Him. When I can not carry you, He will. When I can not comfort you, when I can not share your joys and sorrows He will be ever with you.

With all my love
mama

34 weeks

I can't belive how quickly this pregnancy has flown by! Winter and Spring are a blurr and now summer is coming and baby is getting ready to join us.

In some ways I feel very unprepared. We have a car seat and I've picked out my diapers and plan to order them in the next week or so. And I sorted through Hana's newborn clothes and set aside all of hte gender neutral stuff. That's it. Baby will be sleeping with us for a few months until we get Hana a bed, so no setting up a crib this time. I'm determined t make breastfeeding work this time, so no bottles to buy and wash. I already have blankets and a bouncy seat and toys. Aside from picking out a new carrier there's really nothing else to do. It's so different from when we were preparing for Hana - I hope this baby doesn't feel left out!

Things are going great - baby is head down and very low - not engaged yet, but I do feel like I'm about to lay an egg most of the time. There have been no complications at all and there is no reason I shouldn't be able to have my VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian).

A couple of weeks ago Ben and I decided to hire a doula. She's wonderful - very encouraging, supportive, open. Knowing I have her support eases my mind and take away a lot of the fears I have - she knows the hospital, knows the staff, the procedures, knows what my options are and the risks associated. It's her job to inform me, support me and encourage me so that I can have a wonderful, natural birth.

I'll get Ben to take some pictures of the belly sometime soon. Anyone have any guesses as to the size and gender of this baby? I'm carrying lower than with Hana, but she was breech and had her head in my stomach the whole time, so it's hard to compare the two pregnancies. I really have no idea if it's a girl or a boy, but we have names ready either way. I do have a feeling baby will be here before 40 wks, but that could just be wishful thinking.

19 months

Hana has a new obsession - Fraggle Rock

May was a tough month - we all were sick, Hana got her last four teeth and there wasn't much sleep had, especially when she was refusing her nap. So I resorted to Fraggle Rock to give us some down time and Hana adores it. Anytime she sees me at the computer she asks for "Fraggle". My parents brought down a couple boxes of my old books and there was a Fraggle book in the bunch. She's slept with it at least 3 times now, and first thing in the morning she asks for "Book Hana Bogo" (Hana's book with Gobo). It's adorable.

Now that the teeth are in the sleep situation has become much more bearable. Looks like we may be getting her to sleep through the night right before the new babe is born. At bedtime she climbs the stairs, climbs into bed, kisses Ben goodnight and says "nap". Did I mention she's precious?

She's asserting her independence a lot now. The other day at lunch time she was all excited to get into her seat, but didn't want me to lift her up. This could have caused a huge issue, but thankfully her seat is attached to one of our chairs, so I just took it off so she could get in herself. I love watching her learn what she can do on her own, realizing she doesn't ask for help nearly as much as she used to. She's growing so fast.

She's so happy, she gets so much enjoyment out of life. Everything excites her. Right now she's lining up her crayons in front of me and thinks it's the best thing in the world when I tell her what colour they are. I wish everyone could enjoy life as much as she does.

Water

I've talked here before about Hana being spirited That discovery made a huge change in our relationship, and in our whole family dynamic. Understanding her personality, her sensitivities and her needs has cut power struggles out of the equation. I'm able to empower her, and to teach her tools she needs to cope with the intensity of her emotions, especially disappointment.

I've also learned the power that water has over my child. I know many people (myself included) who feel a sense of calm and peace when sitting by the water, or who find a hot shower or relaxing bath to be the perfect cure for all their troubles. Hana is the same way.

IF she's having a cranky day, water is the cure. Sitting her in her high chair with a few tablespoons of water on her tray for her to splash in is a powerful cure for a bad day. A shower or bath is like hitting her reset button and getting a second chance at the day. If she's in the middle of a fit and just can not calm down, putting her fingers or toes in cool running water brings her back to her senses.

It's an amazing thing how quickly and easily it calms her. Sure, she (and the floor) get a bit wet every now and then, but honestly that's much easier to deal with than a screaming toddler. It's also something that she'll be able to use herself as she gets older, a tool to help her deal with life.

Simply Living

While living in Calgary I came to the conclusion that Ben and I had far too much stuff - especially for people who had only been married about a year. Our apartment was full, our storage was full, and there always seemed to be something on the floor to trip over.

The odd thing about having all that stuff was that the vast majority of it was not being used. That's not to say it was useless, it just wasn't serving any purpose in our lives.

So I did what any rational person would do - packed it away and ignored it until we moved and I had to do something about it.

Since then we've taken on a philosophy of simple living - trying very hard not to have excess, to reuse as much as possible, to buy second hand when available, and to purge as needed.

It basically goes like this - if I see something I *think* we need, we wait a month or so to see if we can still happily live without it, or if it really would make our lives better. This is a great way to avoid spending money on gadgets.

Secondly, if I notice something in our home is just taking up space, I box it up and put it in storage. If it stays in storage for a year without being missed and doesn't have any future use (such as books and toys for Hana when she's older), then it's already conveniently boxed up and ready to go to Goodwill etc.

Thirdly, we get accountability with our "problem areas" - for me it's yarn and books, and for Ben it's electronics and games. There are very strict rules about those things coming into the house, usually involving a bit of "one in, two out" philosophy. It's hard - especially for books because in my family it was basically a crime to get rid of a book - but it does keep things under control a bit.

I admit we're not perfect at this yet, but we're learning. Even right now I'm looking at our tower of rarely watched DVDs and wondering if it's time to clean house a bit. Anyone else have any tips on how to avoid excess in life and keep it simple?

Independance

Right now Hana is sitting in her high chair feeding herself yogurt. With a spoon.

I'm amazed. It's hard to believe that two years ago I was just starting to wear maternity clothes. That in such a short period of time not only have I become a parent, but that my child - that tiny being that started out too small to even see - is a person. A whole person, full of ideas, desires, emotions.

She's so independent now. She won't let us carry her up or down the stairs, or anywhere else for that matter. She always wants to "go walk". And she does go, she's fearless, once she gets the ok that she can explore she takes off and finds out everything she can about her environment.

She has wants and makes them clear. When they're not filled, she gets upset and expresses that, and then moves on to something else. When she wants help she asks for it. When she's excited about something she shares it with us.

I'm so amazed at how much she's grown and how quickly she learns. She's not a baby anymore, no longer fully dependent on me. But she's still mine, still needs her mama when she can't get back to sleep in the middle of the night, or when she feels like a snuggle in the middle of the day. As she grows our bond is changing, but it's still there, and still makes my heart sing.

Poked and Proded

Hana and I each had Dr appointments today.

She did great, she got 3 vaccinations, was weighed, measured and checked over. She did great with the vaxes, even cried less than I would have! She is now a whopping 21lbs3oz! Yeah, not so whopping. She's tiny - healthy and active, but tiny.

My appointment went well too. Baby is head down! That's just one more thing that makes this pregnancy so different from Hana's - she was breach the entire time. Everything looks great and I go back in two weeks. The only real concern now is getting my records from Alberta sent. We've been trying to get them since February and so far we have nothing. Not so good - they need my surgery notes.

So it was a big morning and we slept a good chunk of the afternoon. Hopefully the grogginess from the vaxes comes back and Hana won't be up all night!

Anti-bacterial products make me sick

Ben and I were away this weekend, which means we had TV. We don't have cable at our house, and aside from the news and Ben's games, our tv is never on. So when I do get to watch TV, the thing that sticks out to me the most is the adds.

I noticed a theme. Anti-bacterial products. From those Lysol wipes to a product that cleans the germs out of the s-curve in your toilet (so your waste doesn't get sick?) to a germ-killing pest control product (that's right! Those harmless (yet annoying) insects are carrying germs!!!!).

I have to say, these products make me a little nervous. Personally, I have no anti-bacterial products. Nope, not even a little bottle of hand sanitizer for the diaper bag.

When I need to wash, I use soap and water. If I'm being paranoid about potentially harmful things (like raw meat - eeeww!!!!) I use vinegar. If it's just general nastyness and not something that would make my family sick, I use dish soap (we trust it to get the icks off dishes (including raw meat) so why not other icks?)

The problem I have with all this anti-bacterial crazyness is that the bacteria we're trying to hard to kill has been around at least as long as we have. We've learned to co-exist. Sure, there are occasions where something gets out of hand, but for the most part so long as we're not being stupid (like eating raw chicken) they don't really pose a threat.

There is a need for exposure to germs - it gives the immune system a little kick and makes sure everything is working well, so that if we're exposed in large doses we're less likely to get sick. That's the basic premise behind vaccinations - a little exposure now to guard against a lot of exposure later.

Aside from that, there are good bacteria. There's also a craze right now for pro-biotics. They're in everything lately it seems. Thats because all these measures we're taking against getting sick end up killing the good bacteria that keep us from getting sick.

There really is no need to be so worried about germs. Aside from special circumstances (like hospitals) all this extra stuff can actually be harmful - and at the very least causes paranoia! Don't believe the marketing - there is no need for this stuff!

To sleep, perchance to dream

If good writers write what they know, then I should be the last person on earth writing about sleep.

Since high school I've gone through phases of insomnia - weeks at a time where I just don't sleep. It's not that I'm not tired, or that I don't try to sleep, it just doesn't work. I've learned to deal with it and when it happens I sleep when I can, but it isn't easy.

Even when insomnia isn't an issue I have a hard time sleeping. My nights are filled with tossing and turning. I'm blessed to have a husband who sleeps like the dead (or rather, he's blessed with that ability), otherwise there would definitely be issues with our relationship. A good night for me means I don't actually get out of bed. A typical night means it takes about an hour to fall asleep, I wake up and change position about 4 times (taking about 15 minutes to get back to sleep each time), and I'm out of bed once (either a potty break or just getting up until I feel tired again).

So it is no real surprise to me that Hana has "sleep issues". Even now at 18 months it's rare for her to go from midnight to 7 without at least one wake up (tho she usually puts herself back to sleep), never mind going a whole 12 hours without me going in at least once.

Now, being pregnant, I have to get out of bed at least once a night and trying to get comfortable seems like an impossible task. Hana is cutting her eye teeth (two through, two to go!) and so has been needing me at least once a night, sometimes twice. She's also started a lovely habit of being wide awake for two or more hours in the early morning.

So we're tired here. Very very tired. This weekend I'm really hoping to get two nights of uninterruptedish sleep and hopefully that will make the next few weeks easier.

I guess the good news is that waking up with a newborn won't really throw me off my routine too much and shouldn't be that hard to deal with.

Wet Wet Wet

Last Sunday night, or early Monday morning rather, I awoke to a familiar sound. Hana was whimpering and moving around in her bed. She wasn't crying, and I could tell she was trying to put herself back to sleep, so I tried to do the same.

Then I noticed there was something different from other nights I had woken to her whimpering. IN the midst of the noises, she was saying "wet".

Now let me tell you something about Hana that she will probably wish I didn't share once she's older - this girl pees like a fountain. We've had to put her in disposable diapers at night because she pees so much it was waking her up. We cut back on liquids, and she was able to stay drier through the day, but at night she'd still be soaked.

So I was preparing myself for a wet child, but sort of figured she was just practicing her new word in her sleep. I went in to check, and she was on her belly, bum in the air, trying to sleep. I rubbed her back and her bum and both we dry. Excellent.

Before I went back to bed I checked to see if she had her soother, she didn't, so I thought I'd pat around the bed looking for it.

My hand went into a puddle. I checked around some more. The whole front of Hana's pj's, the bed and her blankets were all soaked. And she was trying very hard to get back to sleep.

In fact she wanted so much to be asleep that she got quite upset with me for trying to change her. Have you ever tried to get a sleeper off a child while they're curled on their belly in the fetal position? Getting the new diaper on was also a bit of a struggle. Apparently she didn't want me to do anything about the "wet", she just wanted to let me know what was going on.

Needless to say, she spent the rest of the night in bed with us, and I will never again underestimate the power of a child's bladder.

Breastfeeding Is Smart

A recent study has been over the news lately stating that breastfeeding leads to a higher IQ.

We all know "breast is best" for both mama and baby, and the more we get this information out, the better.

Still, I have a problem with how this study is being publicized.

Keep in mind that Hana has been formula fed since the day after she was born, and exclusively on formula since 19 days old. I was also formula fed, as were the vast majority of the people in my family. And we're pretty smart people (In high school I tested 136 on an IQ test, but that was before mommy hood stole my brain). This is not intended to make anyone feel guilty, or whatever. We make our choices and we live with them, and we all survive.

The problem I have is that the wording makes it seem as though formula feeding is the norm, the standard. As in, normally baby x would have an IQ of ***, but if breastfed, it would be higher. That's wrong. Human babies are designed to have human milk. All the potential within that child will be released as different conditions are met - food, shelter, love, education, whatever. It's not that breastfeeding raises that potential, it's that formula feeding lacks something that would release it. Breast milk doesn't raise IQ, formula lowers it.

Again, not saying formula fed children are not smart, they're just not as smart as they could be were they breastfed. Like an athlete - if they aren't given the proper training and instruction, they can't preform at the level they would if they did have those things.

I find it astounding that as a culture we have effectively stunted ourselves - but there is no sense guessing at what could have been. Unfortunately, as long as formula is seen as the norm (or at least the norm after x amount of months) we will never see the full potential of our children. To continue talking about breastfeeding as tho it is super human, special, or above the norm only reinforces that it isn't the norm. Mothers have enough stress and worry and choices with their children, so if their kids can be "normal" without the pain, hassle and stress of breastfeeding (because honestly that's what it often is portrayed as, and can feel like at first), then why put themselves through it? Breastfeeding really should be normalized, not specialized.

Wedded Bliss

Ben and I have been married 3 years today.

In that time we have experienced two cross country moves, found our first apartment and our first house, and have owned two cars. We have changed jobs ten times. We've gone through a crisis, an emotional breakdown, and a big change of plans. We've had one child and are working on our second. He has learned to say know and I've learned to listen. He's learned to raise his voice and I've learned to lower mine. We've learned how to communicate, how to play, how to laugh and how to live in small spaces together.

Ben is the most wonderful husband I could ever have dreamed of. He's strong, caring, understanding and always respectful. He loves me with his whole self in a way that I never knew I could be loved. He's an amazing father, a reliable provider, and let me pick the paint colours for the house. I love him will all I am and look forward to the rest of our lives together.

18 Months

My baby is 18 months old. And she finally (almost) fits into 18 month clothing. I've packed away all of her 9 month pants and most of her 6 and 9 month shirts. Yeah, she's pretty little. I'm guessing around 23lbs, but we have an appointment this month, so I'll find out for sure.

Her vocabulary impresses me, altho anyone who knows me isn't surprised - she comes by her talkative nature honestly. She is also so curious and loves exploring and trying new things. She is always on the go. No matter what we're doing, after a few minutes she'll look at me full of excitement and say "go?" before heading off to explore.

In the last month she has encountered play dough, mud, grass, slides, swings and rain. She's loved every minute of it. We we outside one day and it started raining - the icky cold kind of rain. I said it was time to go in, she looked at me as if I was crazy. So I laughed and said she was a little duck. Her response: "quack quack"

The most wonderful thing she's learned in the last month is how to sleep. We've even had a few nights where I haven't had to get up with her at all. There are times it takes more effort than I like to admit to get her to go to sleep, but the 3-5 wakings seem to be slowing down.

Hana is the most animated, expressive, caring child I've encountered. She lights up my day and fills it with laughter. She teaches me a different way to look at the world, shows me new things to get excited about, and reminds me how wonderful it is to just sit and snuggle with someone you love. We learn more from her every day, and couldn't be more blessed as parents.

Nursing Pictures

Finally Blogger has allowed me to upload pictures. I asked on TBW, the message board I frequent, if anyone had some discreet nursing pics without covers. The wonderful mamas there were happy to share. I honestly think that the only reason people feel uncomfortable with nursing is because they are not exposed to it often enough, so here's some (discreet) exposure for you.

My thoughts on Nursing In Public

Thanks everyone for the input, I really appreciate it, especially the different cultural perspective.

The reason I asked is because I plan on nursing this baby like the Canadian Government says to - anytime, anywhere. I also remember from Hana's newborn days that not every newborn baby will tolerate something being over their head. For her that just was not an option. I do plan on nursing in carriers however, which can be completely discreet. Look at this picture: (Ok, I have a couple great pictures I've been told I can use here, but I can't get them uploaded right now, so you'll have to come back to see my point)

I have to say I disagree with the sort of black/white mentality - that without a cover of some sort, the woman is exposing her breast and that's wrong. I've seen plenty of women nurse without covers without exposing their breast, and I actually find it much less distracting or obvious than when they have a big pink blanket thrown over their shoulder. I do agree that having more chest exposed than would be seen while wearing an appropriate top isn't a good idea, but the act of nursing itself is not obscene or offensive, and if someone thinks that it is, they are free to remove themselves from the situation.

I also am not sure if I agree with the "if it bothers someone, don't do it" idea, even in a worship setting. Are we saying that people who can't sing on key shouldn't sing, or that children shouldn't be present unless they are silent and don't move? There are lots of things that happen during any public gathering that can distract someone, but we learn to live with (and ignore) those distractions.

As another note, were I informed by someone that my nursing was bothering them, I would be offended that they were paying so much attention to my chest. So then who is in the wrong - the person using her breasts as God Himself designed, or the person looking at the breasts of someone who is not his wife?

I think the North American view of breasts (and women in general, but that's another post...) is very skewed and over sexualized. Yes, that's the way things are and we have to accept that, to a point. However, things will never change if we keep breastfeeding in a closet. If a woman feels comfortable nursing her child wherever she is, then she should be free to make that choice, and no one else has the right to take that away from her.

Nursing In Church

I'm aware that nursing in public can cause quite a fuss, regardless that it is perfectly legal and in some places is actually protected by law.

There is no question that breast milk is the best source of nutrition for an infant. There is also no question that a mother has the right to feed her hungry child (I've never seen a bottle feeding mother asked to leave anywhere). However, people get really uncomfortable when the breast milk is coming straight from the tap.

Some say it's ok so long as the mother is "discreet". The problem is, there is no real definition of discreet. Does that mean the mother must use a blanket? Go to the corner with her back to the room? Feed in a bathroom (ick!)? Honestly tho, which is more obvious - cradling a child and carrying on with life, or sitting with a big tent draped over you?

So consider this a bit of a poll - is nursing in church (as in during the service) inappropriate? What conditions (blanket, womens service, age of the child etc.) make it appropriate or inappropriate?

I'd also really appreciate opinions of men on this, especially those who are on the platform, so ladies, ask your husbands.

Pregnancy Update

I am now 27wks pregnant. Yeah, I know, where did the time go! This pregnancy is honestly flying by, but I guess that's what chasing after a toddler every day will do!

Things are very different this time around. With Hana I had an anterior placenta (at the front of my belly) so movement was sort of muted until about 30 weeks. This time around I've been getting good strong see-my-belly-move sort of kicks since about 23 wks. Baby is very active! There is also less fear and worry this time around, which has made it a much more comfortable and magical pregnancy. Feeling my baby move, seeing myself grow, it just leaves me in awe, especially as I'm watching Hana grow and learn. It's so unreal to think that I have a part in bringing a life into the world!

I go for my glucose tolerance screening test on Wednesday and I'm expecting to pass no problem. Really it's just another useless blood draw, but oh well. I'm also going to get them to check my iron - I was really anemic with Hana and have been feeling slugish again lately, and I'm getting poked anyway. I'll also have my monthly appointment to be measured. So far everything is right on track!

I'm huge again this time. Random people keep asking when I'm due, thinking it's sometime in May. Nope. Not til July. It's kind of amusing watching their reactions. This is what happens when you have a really short torso and grow a baby. I don't mind, I like my belly, even tho I can't see my feet.

Pictures to come when Blogger lets me. Or you can just check my facebook.

Why Every New Parent Needs A Carrier

- All babies (that I know of) go through a stage where they just want to be held *all* the time. For some babies it doesn't last long, and sometimes you can "break" the baby of that habit, but it's still something that happens. Then you have 3 choices - listen to baby scream, hold baby and get nothing done, or get a carrier.

- It's good for the baby. Babies are biologically wired to be in close contact with their mothers. It helps regulate breathing, digestion, sleep and other cycles.

- It promotes breastfeeding. Babies who are worn in carriers root and nurse more, and their smell helps stimulate milk production in the mother.

- You don't have to worry about strangers touching your baby when you're out. Strangers can't get to the hands or faces of newborns when they're all snuggled up with their mama or daddy.

- It gives mama some freedom. When Hana was a newborn I could shop, go for walks, clean, take the train etc. without having to worry about a car seat or big heavy stroller. We lived in a basement apartments and after my c/s it was enough effort just getting myself up the stairs, let alone the stroller! I would have been stuck in the house while Ben was at work, but instead I had complete freedom.

- It gives Daddy a chance to bond with baby. Newborns sleep a lot, and usually when they're awake it's to be fed or changed. For a baby who is nursing, it can be hard for Daddy to get quality time in. Wearing a baby in a carrier during naps gets baby used to daddy's smell, voice, movements etc. and also gives Mama a chance to shower or sleep while Daddy gets bonding time.

- It can calm a fussy baby. The security, movement, breathing and heartbeat will remind baby of the womb and help soothe it. It makes the transition from womb to world easier on them.

Beautiful Sight

This is a picture of Hana sleeping in her bed for a nap. I know I've talked a bit about our sleep troubles on here, but honestly, unless you've had a child who doesn't sleep, you have no idea how absolutely amazing this is.

First of all, Hana had only slept in her crib a handful of times for naps since she was about a month old. Even when she was staying most of the night in her crib she would not go there for naps. She either needed to be in a carrier or in my bed. Starting last Monday, she has had every nap in her bed without issue.

Secondly, she's been staying all night in her bed. All. Night. No falling asleep in our bed and then being transfered to hers. No waking at 3 am and absolutely refusing to do anything but stand there with her arms up, sobbing until we bring her into our bed.

We've had people tell us to just let her firgure it out. Or to "be strong" and just not pick her up. But after over two hours of constant crying to the point of gagging (and that's with me in the room to comfort her!) and the knowledge that my daughter feels emotions so intensly that when she gets worked up like that she just does not have the ability to calm herself down, bringing her to bed was the wise option.

For a few months when she was younger, she put herself to sleep at night, woke around 3 for her soother, at 5 to bed fed, came in bed with me at 7 and was up for the day before 9. Not a bad routine at all for a 4 month old! After while she cut out the feeding and would wake at 11 and 4, come in bed at 7 and sleep another hour or so with me. Again, nothing to complain about, since really I was only getting up once in the night (at 4).

When we moved it all went to pieces. She would consistently wake 4 times a night (11, 2, 4, and 6), sometimes more, sometimes only 3 times. Then she was sick with a mold infecton that lasted a couple of months. Then we moved again and she refused to be in her room alone, never mind in her crib. Then after Christmas we managed to get her to sleep in our room, transfer her to hers and she'd stay there til about 5 (waking at 11 and 3). That lasted about two weeks and then her molars started coming in and I lost count of the number of times she would wake.

Since February she's been falling asleep in her bed and then coming in with us around 3, then waking once or twice until we got up around 8. It wasn't perfect, but it was a system that worked - we all we getting a decent amount of sleep, and she was usually only awake for a few minutes. Some nights we just didn't bother transferring her to her bed because she was so restless it wouldn't have been worth the effort.

Mid March that system wasn't working so well for us anymore. I have trouble sleeping when pregnant as it is because I usually sleep on my belly or my back. Sleeping on my side makes my hips and back hurt, so I shift positions a lot at night. So I would shift and wake Hana up, she would shift and wake Ben up. It would take her 20 minutes or so to settle, and if either of us moved during that time it would take even longer. Something had to change.

We had been debating taking the rail off of Hana's crib since Christmas, but weren't sure if it would make things worse. Last Tuesday I decided just to do it.

Best. Decision. Ever.

It started with her nap. Within 20 minutes of putting her on the bed, she was asleep. In her bed. Alone. She slept for two hours and then waited until I came in to get out of bed. That night it took over an hour to get her to sleep (which happens about twice a week recently), but she slept. She woke twice, but never once asked to go into our bed. I slept all night next to my husband without Hana kicking me or trying to push me off the bed. It was a beautiful thing.

Since then we haven't looked back. She still needs help once a night to get her soother off the floor or put her blankets back over her, but I usually get up once or twice a night to go to the bathroom anyway, so that isn't a problem at all. I feel better than I have in months - a good night of sleep makes such a HUGE difference in how I see the world. My house is cleaner, my days are more active, and our family time has much better quality. She's getting me up a bit earlier than before (usually between 6:30 and 7), but even tho I'm not a morning person, after a good night of sleep that isn't a problem at all!

17 Months

I realize I'm a whole day early on this one. It's to make up for all the times I've been a day or two late.

Since learning how to walk, Hana has taken off. I think her brain was just so focussed on that one thing that now the whole world has opened up to her. She's toddling along everywhere - arms out in front of her, still a little stiff. It's a cute little zombie walk. She tries to run, but hasn't quite got the mechanics of that down yet.

She's learning so quickly. Yesterday while trying to steal a few extra minutes in bed I taught her what a chin is. It throughly impressed Ben when he came home, but didn't give me enough time to stay under the covers. I'll try for a harder lesson next time.

This month we're trying something new - Hana sleeping in her own bed. Since moving from Alberta she's spent at least part of every night in with us. There was a lot going on in her little world, she needed the extra comfort and we were happy to give it. Unfortunately, there's just enough room for Ben in bed along with me and my belly and my pillows, so lately no one has been getting a very good sleep. We took the side off Hana's crib yesterday and she slept there all night. It was blissful. Hopefully this will be the new trend.

Every day I get to see more of her personality - her passion, her emotions, her joy and curiosity. I'm so proud of my daughter, amazed by her. The person she is is so much more than I could have ever imagined. I hope that Ben and I are able to nurture, teach and encourage her to grow and mature in those things. To be sensitive, to be passionate, to be strong and to not give up. Those things might be a challenge now, while she's so young and doesn't understand all of her big emotions, but they'll shape her into a wonderful woman as she grows, and I can't wait to see that.

Questions

I've realized that had I not studied religion I would have really enjoyed anthropology. I've also had an intense curiosity for different cultures, different beliefs, how they evolve and shape how we see the world. It's amazing to me how much of an influence culture, tradition and belief have over perceptions.

An example of this from my own life - for the longest time I thought for sure that the vast majority of Americans must spend a fortune on getting their rugs cleaned or replaced because they worse their shoes in the house all the time. The reason for this odd belief - you rarely see someone in socks or bare feet on TV. Growing up were NEVER allowed to wear our shoes in the house, it would make too much of a mess. Putting those two things together I thought Americains must be pretty foolish. (I've since learned that wasn't the case, so no need to correct me on my thoughts there).

Have you ever just sat down and wondered why we do the things we do? Where traditions come from, why they hold their power? I find a lot of times that tradition taken on it's own - with no explanation, no context, no history behind it - looses it's purpose, and can be seen as something it is not. An example of this is the head coverings worn by Muslim women. In the Western world we often see this as some sort of oppression of femininity, repression of personal freedom or some form of control placed over the women. In fact, it's a sacred choice, a covenant between the woman and her God, a way for her to show the world that she is not to be seen as a sexual object, it allows her to show her intelligence, her creativity, her personality.

I remember hearing a story once - a little girl was watching her mother cook supper. They were having roast beef, and the mother carefully cut the end off of the roast. The little girl asked why she did that, and the mother couldn't answer - maybe it made it taste better, or got rid of some fat, or made it more tender, she wasn't sure, but it had to have some importance. So the mother called up the little girls grandmother to ask. The grandmother chuckled and said she wasn't sure either, it's just the way her mother had always done it, so that's what she did. The mother decided to pay a visit to her grandmother to see how far back the tradition went. She was surprised at the answer - "I don't know why the rest of you do it, but my pan was always too small."

This is why I question everything. Perceptions, traditions, stereotypes, assumptions. A lot of these things are good, helpful, insightful. A lot of them are not - they have either become obsolete and unnecessary, or are in desperate need of an update, or are just plain wrong.

Strong Words

I found this artist when a friend of mine posted a video on facebook.

Since then, I've been listening to her constantly. She is strong, powerful, passionate, real. I love it. This is one of my favorites

An Amazing Thing

This article was posted on a forum I frequent.

Yeah, I know, most of you won't read it. What if I tell you it's about a pregnant man, would that get your attention?

He is transgendered. He has some gender reassignment surgery, but kept his reproductive organs. His wife lost her uterus to endomitriosis. Using donor sperm, they were able to inseminate the husbands uterus and are going to have a baby girl.

There has been a lot of controversy about this, including doctors refusing to treat them. I think that's a horrible thing.

I can understand people not understanding it, even needing a bit of time to process the whole reality of the situation (men don't usually have a uterus). However I don't understand why people think it's such a horrible thing that a loving, happily married couple want to bring a child into the world so they can love and care for it.

There are much better things to get upset about than that.

On the move

Hana has been cruising (walking along furniture) since before she was a year. She's been able to stand unassisted since after Christmas. She would drag her push toy along the floor or run while holding fingers. Every now and then she'd take a few steps without realizing that's what she was doing. She just wouldn't walk.

Until today!

Update

We got the results of our ultrasound yesterday - baby is perfect! We're both measuring right on target, and all is as it should be. Unfortunately, they won't tell me the sex, so baby will have to be called baby until we actually get to see the parts for real.

This child is also very active. So active that we've had to have two ultrasounds just to get a good look at everything. During the appointment yesterday it took more than 5 minutes to get a reading on the heart rate because child would not stay still for 15 seconds at a time! Ben and Hana have both felt kicks in the last few days. Ben thought it was pretty special, Hana looked confused and wondered how she could make her belly poke.

Last night I finally broke down and bought maternity clothes. Up until this point I had a few pairs of non-preggo pants that still fit, sort of. They weren't what one would call comfortable. I have a whole box of mat wear upstairs, but it's all summery, and that just doesn't work for March in New Brunswick.

Funny thing about maternity clothes, I put them on and suddenly I'm 9 months pregnant. Not a good sign as in reality I'm only 22 weeks - just over half way through. This could be fun.



Hana is doing great. She has taken consecutive steps now while being bribed with raisins by her grandmother. It was pretty great - she really didn't want to do it, but the temptation was just too much. Since then she holds our fingers so tight it cuts of circulation just to make sure we won't let go. She's just not ready yet. She does spend more time on her feet than she was, and she uses her push toy to get from the living room to the dining room instead of crawling. I have no worries at all. She can walk, as in she has the physical ability. She just doesn't want to.

She has also been spoiling us by sleeping 8-5ish in her own bed and then another two or three hours in ours about 4 nights a week. We still need to go in about half the time and help her settle back down once a night, but that's usually around the time I go to bed, so it doesn't actually get me up. Now if it weren't for baby thumper jumping on my bladder at night, it might be possible for me to get 6 hours of sleep in a row!

Living Content

Life has been a bit hectic lately.

Actually hectic isn't quite the right word, or doesn't seem to be, because my days are spent at home with Hana, no rushing around or pressure to get things done.

I've been stressed out for very stupid reasons. Reasons like not having dusted since Christmas, or not getting all the laundry put away, or deciding Hana's messy face isn't really worth a struggle.

I say these are stupid reasons, because none of them really matter or are worth my stress. No, my home isn't spotless, the dishes aren't all done, and a lot of the laundry still isn't put away (but it is folded, an accomplishment in itself!), and sometimes my daughter's face has traces of breakfast on it for most of the day. THose are things that so often make women feel less - less of a wife, less of a mother, less of a woman.

Why is this. Why is our worth tied up so much in our actions, in appearances? Do we honestly think it would be better to sacrifice time with our husbands and children, the very people that make us wives and mothers, for the sake of a few dishes or dust bunnies?

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think living in a mess is a good idea either. It is important to provide a safe and orderly home for the sanity of all those who live there. But I think we get carried away sometimes, especially since really there is no one judging us on how well we do in these areas.

I've started changing my attitude, finding my sense of worth in the PEOPLE in my life, instead of the THINGS in my life. To find joy in the moments instead of feeling useless guilt, stress and anxiety over things that don't really matter. Surprisingly, when I stop stressing about these things, I'm able to find the time and energy to get them done anyway!

Raising Your Spirited Child

This book has helped to save my sanity.

It's a book for parents whose children aren't quite like other kids. Those of us with intense, passionate, fiery, kids. There are other words that get tossed around for them - high-need, strong willed, difficult - but spirited is a much better fit.

I haven't even finished reading the book yet, but what I have read has completely changed my understanding of Hana and myself. I feel validated now in my feeling that my child is different - she won't always settle herself to sleep, she can't always handle an abrupt change in activity, she will go for something she's set her mind to and no amount of distraction or redirection will stop her. She's not being bad or misbehaving or trying to manipulate, she just doesn't have the tools yet that she needs to handle all the intense feelings and urges inside of her.

There have been far fewer tantrums in the last few weeks. In fact, I can't remember any full blown tantrums in the past two weeks at all. Much fewer power struggles as well. I don't think I've had a breakdown either.

I've learned how to recognize signs that her intensity is building, and I've also learned her "reset" buttons for when things are too much. These are skills that I can teach her as she grows so that she will have the tools to handle these intense feelings without letting them get the best of her.

I've learned that the characteristics that make life challenging right now are not things that need to be stopped or fixed, but are traits that I admire and respect in adults, traits that any parent would hope their child develops. Things like determination, creativity, expressiveness, focus, empathy. I've learned to change the way I speak about these things (determined instead of stubborn, exploring instead of getting into things, expressive instead of loud) which has helped change my attitude and helped me keep my own feelings in check.

I don't feel so lost when dealing with Hana anymore, or like I'm somehow doing things wrong. Any parent (or really anyone who works with children on a regular basis) who feels the "usual" methods just aren't working might want to look into this book. It's made life so much more peaceful for my whole family.

16 months

My baby is 16 months old. Not only that, but it's been two years since I found out I was pregnant. I can't believe how quickly time flies and how many things have changed since then!

Hana is such a joy. She interacts with everything around her. She's very expressive and communicates really well for someone who has about 40 words at her disposal. She's also a very loving child - I've been getting lots of kisses and hugs lately.

She still hasn't really found a use for walking, but has decided she will humor us every now and then and use her push-toy, so long as we're willing to trade off and read to her 50 times a day. She's also started enjoying having some time to play by herself in her room in the mornings, which gives me a nice little break for an hour or so.

She has the most heartfelt laugh I have ever heard in my life. When she is laughing there is no question - all is right in the world and the moment is to be enjoyed to it's fullest. It's a beautiful thing.

OOps

Sorry I haven't been around. I've been working on a couple of other things that have taken up a lot of my writing energy.

Things with the pregnancy are going well. I actually feel human again most of the time. Now my biggest concern is keeping my back from going crooked again. I have muscle damage from when I was a teen, and while I was pregnant with Hana I ended up with a lot of pain as the muscle seized and caused a c-curve in my spine. Thankfully physiotherapy and massage straightened me out again, but it's still something I'd rather not go through this time around.

I had my first ultrasound on Monday. Baby is VERY active, so active in fact that the tech couldn't complete all the checks and I have to go back in a couple of weeks. She was going to try and get a shot of the baby bits so I could guess, but baby wasn't cooperating with that either, so we still have a surprise. I'd like to find out. I honestly don't like surprises, I like to be able to plan and prepare. However, since this baby is being born in July a lot of white onesies should cover most of our clothing needs for the first few weeks and then we can shop afterwards.

From what my very untrained eye could tell from the scan, everything looked great. I even had proof that baby stands on my bladder - which the tech thought was hilarious- but only because she hadn't just drank a liter of water.

In other news, Ben got hired on full time doing quality control at the plant he was working at. We're excited about this. It's steady, something he enjoys, and will include a raise in the near future. We're very excited about this. If we're able to save up enough he may even be able to take some parental leave when the baby is born, which would be absolutely wonderful.

Wonderful

I had the most wonderful morning with Hana.

We had blueberry muffins for breakfast, then read some stories and played a bit. Then we spent a long time in the shower which was absolutely blissful. After that we spent about an hour playing on the bed. Lots of laughs, kisses, snuggles and other wonderful things.

I love being a mom.

Deconstruction

I was reading Glo's blog, and she posted about a speaker she had heard who was completely against postmodernism because it was so deconstructive, and it got me thinking.

What's so wrong with deconstruction? Really, how can anything change unless someone points out where things need to be changed? Now I can understand frustration if deconstruction is as far as the process goes - it should be done in order to rebuild.

Take Martin Luther for example. He pointed out what was wrong with the church of the time, and so was seen as a heretic, but also brought on reform. If the Church has gone askew of God's intent for it, then isn't getting it back on track more important than decorating sacred cows?

I honestly feel the North American Church is in crisis. Christ has given us freedom, but instead of a safe haven, a place of freedom, it is seen as a place of chains, of judgment, of sin and hypocrisy. As a whole, Christians are seen as weak, extremists, brainless, dull or judgmental. Is that how Christ intended His Bride to be seen by the world?

We are the hands and feet of Christ, our salvation isn't just for ourselves but so that we can go out and save the world. Not so we can huddle together until they come to us, conform to our standards fall into the same ruts we consider acceptable.

I think as a whole we need to spend more time listening to the complaints about the church - not in a defensive manner, but to hear the truth in them and seek to change it. No one will come to Christ if they don't want to be a Christian, and that is a very sad truth.

The story of Stuff

This is definitely worth twenty minutes of your time. We all have a responsibility to become more aware and more active in our consumer decisions.

15 months

Hana is 15 months old, and amazes me daily.

She communicates so well for someone so small, always trying to pick up new words or signs, always "talking" to the cat, or her toys, or us. She wants us to be part of her world, and wants to be part of ours, and that is such a wonderful thing.

She's almost walking. I should say she's able to walk - has taken a few steps here and there, stands unassisted, has all the skills necessary to walk, and that's good enough for her - she sees no need to walk, and that's fine. It's the same with everything else she's learned in life, there is no use trying to push her, she'll do it all in her own time.

She's always learning new things, trying to figure things out. This morning we were playing on the bed and she was on her hands and feet with her bum up in the air, head down. So I grabbed her hips and flipped her over. Our new game delayed breakfast for a while as she tried to do it herself and then would look at me for help.

She can climb stairs, get off the bed and the couch, can almost use a spoon on her own and knows almost 20 words and 10 signs. She loves books and music and being with people. She's always exploring, observing, trying, moving, doing. She's an amazing child, such a blessing. I'm so thankful to be her mother.

About Tantrums

*Note - this is mostly just a reminder for me...it's been a rough week.


I've been reading a book called "Raising your Spirited Child". It's wonderful and had helped me to better understand my daughter (and myself).

One of the things it's helped me change perspective on is tantrums. Hana began throwing fits at about 10 months of age, and since then she's become an expert. She gets so intense, her face gets red, she screams, lays down on the floor crying, moans. It's quite a site. Usually I'm left wondering what it is I'm supposed to do.

I could give her what it is she wants, but there is always a reason she shouldn't have it (like when the phone rings and she wants to answer it). I could get mad at her, but that isn't productive. I could ignore it, but ignoring things doesn't really make them go away.

Instead I try to understand it. The disappointment, the frustration, the inability to communicate, the sense of injustice, of misunderstanding. Those are a lot of really big things for a very young child to have to deal with. Heck, those are things that I still have trouble dealing with now and then, let alone having to deal with them all together. When she throws a fit it's not because she's "bad" or somehow wanting to ruin my day. It's because she feels a lot and just doesn't know what to do with it.

I don't want Hana to hold in her emotions. I don't want her to feel ashamed or somehow "bad" because she has a need to cry to express how she feels. I don't want her to be one of those kids (or one of those adults) who is unable to handle their emotions and so instead ignores them.

I want her to learn how to express those feeling and work through them in a healthy way. I name them for her, telling her I understand she's frustrated and confused, that it doesn't seem fair, but it really is for her safety. I hold her while she cries, or take her up to our bed and let her have her soother for a few minutes while she calms down. When she gets frustrated because of her inability in some area I help her accomplish whatever task she's set her mind to. When she wants something that is not allowed I do my best to show her other options. I want her to be able to problem solve, to express herself, to work out her emotions.

And I need to remember that. Especially while she's getting in four molars at the same time, when sleep is being interrupted, and the constant pressure and pain in her mouth cut down her tolerance level, when we're both stuck in the house too much and need some more stimulation. When it seems like the only things she wants are things she knows she's not allowed to have.

Beautiful

Now this is simply amazing. Enjoy!

Unreal

Please read this.

Alright, I know a lot of you won't read it. It talks about how parents and caregivers who murder autistic children and adults are given lighter prison sentences compared to other murderers.

It makes me sick, makes me ashamed to be human. And at the same time I'm not entirely surprised that it's happening. We've gotten so good at dehumanizing others (through propaganda, media, racial slurs, comments about mental/physical/social functioning, war etc.) that it becomes justifiable to rid ourselves of anyone that doesn't fit our human standards.

We justify it - of course, these parents are in a tough situation, it got to them, you can't really blame them for giving into the pressure.

That's just sick.

This is something people should be outraged by. This is where laws need to change. We rally to save the unborn (even to the cost of the mother) and yet ignore the lives - lived lives, enjoyed lives, lives that may not be "normal" but are still enjoyed - that are taken away unjustly.

Please, if any of these cases have happened in your state or country, contact a local politician an express your outrage. It will only happen as long as we allow it.

Ministry

While attending Bethany I was appalled by the stats on how many (few?) grads remained in ministry 5 or 10 years after graduation. I thought, honestly, that there must have been something wrong. Maybe they didn't understand their calls. Maybe there was some sort of moral failing. Maybe they just had the wrong attitude, something.

And now, I am a Bethany grad who is no longer in ministry. Heck I'm not even a member of a church right now (tho I am still a regular attender).

I was in ministry. I was passionate about what I did. I had plans, I had a vision, I had dreams. I prayed and wept and worked and was kept up at night by a burning passion.

And now I'm not sure if I'll ever do full time church ministry again.

It puts me in an awkward position. I know my call - to serve God and draw others towards Him. I know my gifts. I know my passions, my strengths and weaknesses. And I can't see any of those things fitting together in a church.

Ministry is a hard vocation. It's hard to measure success. We talk about deep spiritual things, about bringing people one step closer to God, about the importance of authentic community. And still at the end there is a need for numbers, for measurable growth, for something tangible beyond receipts from a coffee house.

In the time since going to Bethany I've seen the harm that the church can cause in a person's life. I've heard stories and witnessed things that made me not want to identify myself as a Christian so that I would not be grouped with the people who had caused such unnecessary pain. The problem with being Christ's hands is that we are seen as such more when we hit than when we heal.

The last year or so has lead me down an interesting path. Not a crisis of faith really, my faith in God, my dependence on Him, my security through Christ has never been clearer in my mind. It's more a crisis of church, of belonging. I feel I don't fit anywhere.

Still, at the same time, in this past year I feel I have done more, learned more, and reached more than I have in years. There has been no agenda, no reports, no requirements, nothing to prove to anyone. There was no time wasted avoiding the judgment of people who know better instead of serving people who don't. There was an understanding, a surprising realization that no one really expects my perfection. That in my weakness He truly is strong.

So I'm one of "those" - the ones who for some reason just didn't cut it, didn't make it in ministry. But that doesn't mean that I am not doing the work of the Kindgom, or that I have failed in the task that God has given me.

OB appointment

Aside from being horrendously long (2.5 hours!) things went great! Baby's heart rate was 155-160, I'm measuring right where I should be, and everything looks great. I also got my blood work done and got a ton of info to look over for the next month until my next appointment.

The best thing is that a repeat c-section wasn't even mentioned! They just need to get my surgery notes from Calgary to make sure the closure was done properly (it was) and it should be no problem for me to deliver vaginally. This is a HUGE answer to prayer - I do not want to go through surgery again, I want to labour and birth my baby. I also didn't want to have to fight in order to get what I wanted.

Intersting

"If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."

This is such a beautiful passage. So concise, so simple, so straight forward. It almost seems to simple, too easy.

There is nothing there about repentance. Nothing about works and good deeds. No stipulation on tithing or daily Bible reading. Just confession and belief, public and private.

All the rest, the changes, the actions, the lifestyle, it all comes afterward. It comes as a result of the belief, not as a prerequisite to it.

We so often get our expectations so mixed up - for ourselves, for others, for God. We expect others to act as saints when they are sinners, we expect to be able to fix ourselves to gain access to the presence of God, we expect God, at times, to do nothing.

The changes that happen in the life of a believer happen through love - God's love of us and our love towards Him. He empowers the changes, we see them through. They are not a requirement for our salvation, but evidence of it.

Update

How is it that life seems so busy, while at the same time I feel like I get nothing done?

The pregnancy is going well, I'm assuming. My chronic tiredness is starting to lift, but I'm still feeling pretty sick most of the time. I'm 12 weeks in and have my first OB appointment next Monday. Honestly I'm getting nervous. I know many woman have gone through healthy pregnancies without ultrasounds or hearing the baby's heartbeat. Still, I'm nervous. Such a precious little life and no way to know how it's doing. I know most likely everything is fine, but Ben's taking Monday off work to come with me to my appointment, just in case.

Hana's doing well. Well, right now she's screaming because I won't let her play with the keyboard, but other than right this moment she's a happy, energetic, curious toddler.

Alright, now that she's happy and calm again...

Otherwise in life, things are good. Ben's looking for a new job - something more stable. He's working great hours right now, but once the contract with this company is done, who knows what he could be doing. That's the problem with placement agencies. We're hoping the job search doesn't take long.

Things with the house are good. We still need to paint and such, but are waiting until Spring. I can't wait to be able to have our patio doors open all day and have the fresh air come in!

First Words

14 months

My baby is 14 months old.

She loves to sing, dance, chase the cat, read books, snuggle and play with her blocks. She's learning how to communicate. Right now she knows 5 signs and 7 words. When you ask her to say dog, she says "woof woof".

She's almost walking. She stands for a few seconds at a time before she sits down (sits, not falls) and she is learning to climb up and down stairs. She's going to be in a toddler bed in the very near future.

While we were home over Christmas I found my old baby doll. It still smells like baby powder like it did in all of my memories. When Hana saw it, she said "maymay!" and that's been it's name since. Every time she sees it she reaches for maymay and gives her a hug. It's more precious than I can express.

She doesn't look so much like a baby anymore, but there are still times when all she wants is her soother and to snuggle up in mama or daddy's arms. She's growing so fast, those moments are a precious reminder that she is still my baby.

Christmas Past

We've had two christmases this year, and both were wonderful fun. Now it's over and I'm sleepy.

Things with the pregnancy are going well. At least I'm assuming they are. I'm 11 weeks now. At 6 weeks I saw my Dr. He said "Oh No!" and sent me for bloodwork. I firgured instead of paying out of pocket it would be best to wait for my medicare card (which I had applied for in October). Unfortunately it took until Dec. 15 for it to arrive. I tried twice to get the blood drawn (I was told to come back a week after I had the test done), and had even booked the appointment, but sadly things just didn't work out. In all that time I was calling my Dr office about once a week to find out if I could just get a referral to an OB (since my Dr wouln't be delivering the baby anyway) and talked with a midwife about my options. Still, nothing happened.

Then when I called to cancel the (useless) follow up appointment, the receptionist informed me there was a clinic I could go to that didn't require a refferal! YAY!

Only problem - no open appointments for the next month. Grr.

So we're praying for a cancelation and really getting anxious to get everything in motion. Not showing yet, still feeling a bit sick and exhausted, and having a slight feeling it's a boy.

I had bloodwork done about a month and a half before getting pregnant and was given a perfect bill of health, haven't had any odd pains of bleeding, so I'm assuming all is going as it should be. Be praying that is true and we get confirmation of it soon.

Tis the Season

I love Christmas time.

I love the snow. I love the lights and decorations. I love visiting with family. I love Christmas music. I even love the malls being full.

This has always been my favorite holiday. I have only good memories of Christmas (even the year my Dad was bit by a dog and was almost in the hospital for Christmas). I can't wait for the weekend - Liz is visiting, then we're heading to Woodstock and then next week going to my parents.

We don't have a tree or many decorations this year. We did have some lights up, but between the baby and the cat they didn't stay up very long. Since we're going to be away for a couple weeks, a tree didn't really make much sense for us either.

But even without all the decorations, it still feels like Christmas. THe joy, the excitement. I can't wait to see Hana with all the lights and everything, and on Christmas morning. It's so wonderful to be able to make new wonderful memories for her.

Merry Christmas

fun

The Golden Compass

Is getting a lot of hype. It reminds me of the Harry Potter and DaVinci Code hysteria. I've heard people say that movies like this (promoting atheistic ideas) should not be made.

I think it's a bunch of crap. The story is fantasy. Yes, there are ideas that are presented that go against Christian teachings, but how is that any different from most other movies that are made, especially in this genre?

It frustrates me when I see Christians so afraid of ideas. Ideas are powerful things, yes, but they only have the power that we give them. I think it's important to know and understand what others believe. How else can we expose the Truth if we aren't aware of what lies they believe? How can we be like Paul in Acts 17, using the culture, the beliefs, the Truth around us to bring people to God if we ignore all of those things and just pretend they don't exist?

I plan on seeing the movie. It looks interesting. I've heard it's a bit violent for young kids, but that doesn't really apply to me. I might read the books too (if the movie interests me enough in the story). I am not threatened by ideas that I know are wrong.

Winter Wonderland

Yesterday Hana and I went for a walk. We had been in the house for two days straight because of the snow, and we needed some fresh air. I figured I could put her in her new snowsuit and walk down to the store with her in the stroller.

Have you ever tried to take a toddler for a walk after a snowstorm?

First, you get the child dressed and put them in the snowsuit. I got Hana in the pants and had her boots on, then put her int he stroller before I put on her mitts (er...a pair of my thick socks....but it worked...) and coat on. I don't know how I came up with this idea, but I'm so glad I did.

Apparently putting mitts and a coat on a toddler is the equivalent of the marshmellow man on steroids - fluffy, strong and angry. Hana tried as hard as she could to kick and arch out of her stroller. It was awful. I almost took a picture, but figured the neighbours might be wondering what all the noise was, so instead we headed out.

(one plus of the mitts, she wasn't able to take her hat off for once!!)

So we head out and once we're moving Hana settles down and even seems to be enjoying herself. We get to the main road and I'm so excited to see the sidewalk is plowed. Er, sorta. Apparently they plowed the sidewalk before some of the streets for some reason, so at the beginning of every block there's this huge pile of snow. Have you ever tried to push a stroller through a huge pile of snow? It doesn't work so well. So I would pick her up and carry the stroller a few feet. Then we turn the corner and half of the snowbank caused by plowing the sidewalk has fallen in. There was a lot of stroller carrying to be done.

We came home by the side roads and just walked on the street.

13 Months

Hana is 13 months old.

She is pulling up on any stable surface and cruising around on the furniture. She gets stuck because she doesn't know how to sit back down, but for the most part standing is what makes her happy. Unless it's beside her walker. She won't stand up within a foot of her walker. We try to walk her over to her walker and on the way she sits down.

She's weaned from the bottle. She gets her milk in a rubbermade straw cup - sippy cups didn't work for her, this is perfect and will last for years. She's also eating a lot better now, altho she doesn't like leftovers. If she's had the same thing within the last 24 hours and I haven't just made it fresh, she wants nothing to do with it. Anything she doesn't want gets picked up, piece by piece, and removed from her sight. If I'm not sitting beside her with a plate or my hand out, it ends up on the floor. Frustrating, but better than just randomly throwing food.

She has 5 teeth now and 3 more on their way. It's made sleeping interesting, but for the past week she's spent most or all of the night in her crib. Makes mama happy.

She is so curious, so interesting in how everything works. She loves books, and laughing, and goldfish crackers and the cat. If she's having a meltdown because the world just isn't fair I know one of the above will calm her.

She's getting so big, so un-baby like, but at the same time she still enjoys cuddling in my arms when she first wakes up or if she's having a rough day.

Snowed In

That's the view from our patio door. That's a snowbank. We're staying in today.