Solstice

It's the holiday season. As I've grown up, and especially since I've had kids, the holidays are changing for me and meaning so many different things.

One thing that I've taken more time to consider and recognize is solstice. Winter solstice is the longest night of the year. It's a time when we remember that no matter how dark and cold things my get, the light will always return.

One of the reasons Christmas is placed at this time of year (because Jesus was not born in December and his birth wasn't even celebrated by the early Christians) is because of that idea - the light returning, the darkness melting away.

I like to take time around solstice to think about that - about what life is like in the darkness and cold, without hope and light. I remember that there are so many people in the world who live in that darkness, in the hoplessness. I remember that part of my responsiblility as a Christian is to be a light to those around me, in whatever way I can.

I know I'm a day late with this, but regarless, happy solstice!

Weekly WIP: Pathetic Edition

I know, I know, it's been a while. 

Thing is, I wasn't really getting much done, so the Weekly WIP was going to get a bit monotonous. I did start and frog the same scarf 4 times, but I doubt that process would have been very much fun to watch. 

However, my efforts weren't completly void of accomplishments. I prestent to you, one really full bobbin of yarn:

That's the Orange Pulworth that I started last month, all plied. It's now skeined and washed and just waiting for whatever it is going to become. It's super fluffy, slightly underspun and wicked soft. I'm very happy with this yarn.

I am making progress on that thing my mom can't see (how's that for subtle?) and still have high hopes that it will be finished for Christmas. Thankfully Christmas day will involve a good chunk of car time that's just perfect for knitting. 

Everything else is on hold right now while I finish up, but I have stuff planned for the new year. The space that my church is meeting in right now is most often used as a dance studio, so we have to be careful with the floors. With winter and snow and slush etc, often outdoor shoes need to be removed. I hope to make a few pairs of slippers (and others are going to contribute too) so we'll have some if people would like to use them. I also have a special project planned for my dad (who is on my knitting blacklist right now because I knit him socks two years ago and they have yet to touch his feet) and I have some gorgeous silver lacewight sitting around that would look just lovely with some beads. 

In other words, despite my lact of progress lately, stay tuned because good stuff is coming. 

Weekly WIP (Thursday Edition)

So, in an effort to force myself to pick up the thing that my mom can't look at, I wasn't letting myself cast on anything new. So basically I didn't knit a whole lot this week.

Recently Finished:

The scarf and mitts for my friend Sarah. She's going to help me decorate for Christmas and this is her thank you, and just because she's awesome and I love her.


OTN:

Still working on Ben's Sweater - the body is resting on some scrap yarn and I'm ready to cast on the sleeves.

My socks are coming right along - I'm almost up to the heel. I can't decide if I'm going to do my standard short row heel or try Cat Bhordi's Sweet Tomatoe heel. I think it will come down to where I am when I am ready to start it. If I'm home I can watch the video and do the new one, if not, I'll stick with what I know.

OTW:
er, same as last week, but look at this!

Pictures don't do it justice, it's super fun and sparkly and pretty! I bought it from Heidi out at London Wul and can't wait to get at this once the orange stuff is finished.




OK mom, stop reading now. Unless you want to ruin the surprise.







So....you may be wondering what became of those other things I was working on....well....right now it looks like this:

So what happened was I started these mitts back in March (I think?) for my mom. Got one almost finished (I was working on the thumb) and then got distracted by other things (mostly this and this and this....it happens). I put off picking it up again for two reasons:

1. I wasn't really happy with them. There were a couple mistakes in the inside pattern, and they were small. I could wear them, but they were tight. My mom's hands are the same size as mine (only reason I kept going), but they weren't comfortable.

2. I knew by the time I picked them up it would be impossible to get the same gague and I'd end up with one mitt bigger than the other.

So finally today I picked them up and finished the thumb. It looked like this \_/. Narrower at the bottom than at the top. Because my gague had changed.

I thought it would be hard to rip it out, but actually it felt kinda good. I feel clean. I can move on now, start again. They might not get done for Christmas (sorry mom.....), but they will get done, I'm not dreading working on them anymore. Not sure if I'll manage to do them two at a time or not tho.

Balance

Life is all about balancing things, managing the tension between two extremes. Some days I'm better at it than others, but what I've learned is that something, inevitably, has to give.

I can't have a clean house and knit. Some people can do that, but not me. Something has to give (and if you've ever been to my house, you know what that is).

Thing is, I'm ok with that. I've completely accepted that I'm not going to be good at everything. I'm human, not some sort of superwoman. There are days my house is a mess, and nights I choose to watch tv when I should be sleeping, and I do break down and yell at the kids now and then.

But those things don't define me as a mother or wife or person, I don't feel the "mommy guilt" like I used to. I don't strive for perfection, but for consistency and balance. In fact, slowly I've been able to come to a point where I don't compare myself to others, where I don't feel useless, where I'm actually proud of myself (at least most days, no one is perfect, right?)

I'm not sure how this change happened - wether I got fed up or grew up - but I'm glad it's changed.

Not about knitting

I know, this may come as a surprise, but really the knitting posts were just to get me back in the habit of making posts, organizing throughts, writing things down. I hope blogging will again be a semi-regular occurance (even tho it's compeltely lost popularity, I'm either a hipster or commpletely uncool....or maybe those are the same thing....)

I find it interesting to go back and read my old blog posts. I laugh at myself a lot, somtimes I get nostalgic, sometimes I feel a little sad that I got all cynical and am not so....passionate....as I used to be (and this will probably be one of the posts I laugh at later, I'm not mentioning that some of my old posts are also a bit melodramatic).

The thing is tho, I can't be the same person I was. I can't be the newlywed fresh out of school ready to take on the world. I can't be the new mother so sure and scared at the same time. I need to be who I am now. Thankfully, I'm really happy with who I am right now, so that part isn't so hard.

I feel like I'm at a point where I can take all the best parts of who I've been and put them together. I've let go of a lot of the bad - there's been healing and forgiveness, growth and learning. Also, snark.

So once again this will be a catalogue of my thoughts and ideas and life. As well as regular updates on my knitting. Since I've started doing that I've been super prodictive (and still manage to at least sweep once a day, so it's not even a bad thing!).

WIP Wednesday, week 3

I realize that this time of year I should be finishing up Christmas knitting, but i have a confession to make - I'm not really doing Christmas knitting this year. I do have that one thing that is slightly less than half done, but that's it.

Instead, this is what I've been working on:

Barter Mitts:

A friend of mine is going to help me decorate for Christmas, and in exchange I'm making her some cozy mitts and a scarf. Just need the thumb on the second mitt.

Perspective Socks also got cast on this week:

Green with coloured stripes or coloured with green stripes? This is going to be a slow going project - managing 4 balls of yarn isn't as fun as I had hoped (can't stand tangles!)

I'm also still working away on Ben's sweater, but it looks pretty much the same as last week (even tho I've added about 5" to it).


OTW:

Haloween Handspun:

I know, a little late getting to this bag of orange and black fluff, but at least it's getting done now, right? This is going to be some super fluffy/underspun two ply. I've got the first bobbin finished, maybe I'll get the second one done this week.


Recently Finished:

I actually got a couple things done between last week and this week!

The Tardis Socks just need to be blocked and sent off to Jen. My friend Krista did the last detail for me (embroydering Police Box on them) and I am eternally greatful.

I made some cowls for the kids too

It's cold here, and scarfs are a pain. They both love these and they took practically no time to knit. Hana was thrilled, she loves mine and wanted her own, except pink (of coruse).

Weekly WIP

Ok, so I missed Wednesday.

Recently Finished:

Handspun Cowl!
Made with 100% merino yarn I spun at this year's Martime Spinner's Retreat. It's a chunky cable pattern and I'm in love.

OTN:

These are bound off, but not quite finished. I need to put the details on the windows and "Police Box" across the top of each TARDIS.


Ben's Sweater:

This is a Christmas present. It's not a surprise tho because it's hard to measure a grown man without him getting suspicious.

OTW:
Same as last week. I'm sorry to say there has been no spinning so far this week, but I plan on fixing that tonight - doing a lesson with a friend of mine.

WIP Wednesday

So a facebook group I'm in does this, and I think it might be fun (and good motivation for me to finish things instead of just starting them).The other benefit will be taking pictures of things and keeping my Ravelry projects updated. We'll see how that goes.   So here is what I'm working on right now:

OTN (on the needles):

My Vlad that I started on Monday. I'm one repeat away from the transition chart, then I'll have until next Monday to do the edging. I want to get it done for knit night next week because I'm crazy.

Tardis Socks for Jen. These literally only need about 3 more inches, and have taken me FAR too long to do (sorry Jen!). When I am done the shawl (or when I need a break from lace) I will work on them.



The next one doesn't have a picture because it's super top secret (mom, don't you dare click that link! I am not responsible if you do).Needs to be finished by Christmas, will take about two week. I've been putting it off because I have to reverse the chart, and only last week realized I could mirror it and save it as a new file.


OTW (on the wheel):

Super soft 100% merino that will be a two ply lace weight. Honestly I haven't worked on this for the last couple of weeks, but I really want to get back at it.





OTS (on the spindle)

BUNNEH! This is my bunny fluff. It's a long, ongoing project that will eventually become a shawl. I've got 130yds done - doesn't seem like a whole lot, but I'm not working on it very often.

Speaking

Today was the second time I have spoken at church.

It feels good.

After working at the Summit I never thought I would speak like that again. I thought I had been wrong about my abilities, my gifts, my calling. I thought I had no business trying to teach or explain or lead people when it comes to God.

The last two years a lot has changed in my life. One of the biggest changes has been how I see God and my understanding of how he sees me.

I'm in a much better place than I was before.

I am thankful.

Three years ago today I was supposed to be induced. I was 41 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I didn't want to be induced, so I was very excited to wake up with contractions. I had been having contractions regularly for a couple of weeks in the evenings (3-4 hrs a day, 8 or so minutes apart) but this was the first time I had woken up with them.

So I didn't go in to the hospital, instead just relaxed and prepared myself for my baby to be born. A few hours later the hospital called, and we agreed I'd go in for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok.

It was, so I went home and continued labouring. Two days later Elias James Perry was born.

This picture was taken on the 26th right before we went into the hospital. My wonderful doula was able to snap it between contractions while I was sitting on my ball outside.

It's hard to believe it was 3 years ago. My boy is so big. He's sweet and kind and helpful and funny and he has this grin that is so infectious. Right now he's laying on the floor happy as can be playing with his Thomas the Tank Engine as happy as can be. I sort of feel the same way about being his mom.

For the want of a camera

I've been knitting and spinning. In the past few weeks I've spun a lot of yarn (some of which I will be selling), knit a bathmat, almost finished a shawl and cast on two other shawls.

But you'll have to take my word for it.

I want to do a great post about all of my projects with pictures and everything

But our camera is broken

So for the want of a camera, a lack of a post.

(or, the lack of a good post at least)

Broken

Sometimes I feel broken.

Right now it's 2 am and everyone is asleep. I should be asleep. And then when the kids wake up at 6 I should get up with them so my husband can sleep in. I should make pancakes or eggs for breakfast. I should take them to the market and then the library and bring home some healthy fresh food for lunch.

But instead I'm sitting up late. Ben will get up with the kids and let me sleep in (because he's good to me when I stay up too late...actually he's good to me all the time. I warned him when we got married not to spoil me. He didn't listen). I'll get out of bed and feel angry and frustrated with myself for wasting the morning sleeping. Another day will pass without me saving the world and I'll sit up again late tomorrow night thinking about how I've failed.

See the problem?

And yet, even tho I'm able to see outside of the loop, even tho I'm rational and capable enough to make a plan (just sent Ben an email to wake me up so I can take the kids out. Not at 6, but no one really wants to see me on 4 hrs of sleep), I still feel broken.

Romans 7:15
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

I want to be a better person who organizes activities for my children and has a tidy house and cooks for her husband every night. But instead I sit on the couch and roll my eyes at the kids and put off getting groceries. But really that's not the problem. The problem is that rather than changing something (either my actions or my expectations), I just sit here feeling bad about it. Staying up late feeling bad doesn't stop the problem at all. Actually, it makes it worse, because everything is worse in the middle of the night sitting up all alone.

So, new plan of action - turning off distractions (facebook, ravelry, games) by 11 and going to sleep by 12 every night for the next week. We'll see how that goes.

Returning

It's been over a year since I last blogged. Honestly during that time I felt little need to post anything, and when I did I used the notes on facebook. Lately, however, I've been feeling more of a pull to write and share. For some reason this feels more private than facebook, even if it's still out there for all the world to see.

Right now it sort of feels like life is suspended. Husband is finished school and looking for work. The girl is starting school in the fall. The boy turns 3 (THREE?!?!?!) in a couple of weeks. I've been spinning and knitting and filling my time with friends and family - Trying to get as much out of the time as I can rather than feel like I'm waiting for something else to start.

In short, life is good.

5 Years

Yes, I know this is a little late. Better late then never, right?

Ben and I have been married for 5 years. Those years have included two cross-country moves, two children, 3 cars, countless jobs, a mortgage, sickness, health, lots of richness and a little poorness. And a cat and a bunny.

Through everything I've learned to love and respect Ben more. I leared so much about myself, things I'm proud of and things I don't like so much. And I've realized that being naieve about everything that we were going to go through was a good thing - I might not have gone through with it, I don't think in my wildest dreams I would have known how strong he is, how strong we are together.

I said before we were married that he is my kite string. A kite can't fly without a string, it just gets tossed around by the wind. He keeps me grounded enough to let me soar, tolerates my hobbies and passions, tells me when I'm wrong, and supports anything I put my mind to.

He is the most wonderful man I could have married, an excellent father and my best friend.

Learning Worship

Ben and I have been going to The Pool for almost a year now. It's wonderful for many reasons, but one of the most wonderful reasons is that my kids are learning to worship there.

The space is set up to allow people to connect with God in the way they need to. There are places to kneel, to pray, to be creative, to dance. There are candles to light and paper to write on, Bibles to read.

But more than just having those things available, it's encouraged that they're used, and it's natural to see it happen. People are encouraged to move around the space, to interact, to participate.

Along with this, children are encouraged to participate. There are crayons and papers available for them, as well as some books for them to look through. I don't feel the need to keep my kids quiet or entertained. So long as they are not being disruptive, they get all the same freedoms. It's wonderful to not have to try and restrain them while trying to worship myself - that never works.

So last Sunday an amazing thing happened. Hana sat with my friend Laura (because Laura was wonderful and willing to share her baby carrots). She sat there for a couple of songs singing. As Laura closed her eyes in worship, Hana watched her. At first she was concerned something was wrong, but after a little reassurance from me she closed her eyes too.

During another song someone got up and went to the art table. My curious daughter, not wanting to miss anything exciting, went to see what was happening. As Erin was drawing she passed some pastels over to Hana so she could participate too - connecting to God through art.

Once Hana was done there she noticed one of the older kids dancing. She joined in, turning and moving with the music and having a wonderful time.

I know that my 3 year old doesn't fully understand the meaning of what everyone was doing, but it just filled my heart to bursting that she was able to participate. For her it will be natural to connect to God through quiet reflection, through creative expression, through movement. It won't be awkward or uncomfortable like it is for most of us, there won't be that moment of "should I or shouldn't I" that goes through my head when I feel the need to do something other than just sitting there. I'm excited to see how that impacts her as she grows and experiences God for herself- excited to see what kind of worshiper she will be.

Remember me?

I know, I know, it's been forever again. Sigh.

I was reading back through some of my old blog posts. Remembering, things that happened, people in my life. I was a different person then. Here I go getting all sentimental, but I was so light, idealistic, sure.

Things have changed since then. I hate to say it but I think I've become a little cynical, jaded.

There were things that happened that caused a lot of hurt. Relationships were broken. Situations changed. I changed.

I think I've grown a lot in the last few years. I hope I've become a better person. Still, I look back on those old posts and I admire that person. I admire the optimism, the faith, the peace.

I think I needed to change, and to grow, I think in general I handled things well. I wonder if I can get back those things. I've gained experience and wisdom and strenth in the last few years, those things I'm thankful for and wouldn't give up. I'm hoping I can have a mix of both - the faith and the wisdom, optimism and experience.

Three

Three years ago today I was getting out of bed and heading to the hospital.


We signed forms, I got an IV, had one last ultrasound and waited for the OR. Hana was breech and was born through c-section. I remember lying on the table after getting my spinal block, nervous about the surgery but so excited to meet my baby girl. I watched the clock once they told me they were starting, and in less than 15 minutes they held up this beautiful baby girl.



I can't describe the feeling of finally having her in my arms. She was so tiny and precious. We had our struggles at first, but the more time we spent together, the more she was in my arms, the more I fell in love with her. Such a full personality, so much curiosity, determination, wonder. She changed the way I look at the world.



The more I get to know her, the more I'm amazed by her. Her determination and curiosity seem to intensify as she gets older. Her imagination, the way she cares about others, her sensitivity and creativity just amaze me.



She's growing up, not a baby anymore. I'm having such a wonderful time getting to know her, helping her learn, and learning from her. She is the one who made me a mother, and I'm so honoured to have her. Without her, without the challenges that we've gone through, without her sensitivity and way of looking at the world I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Happy Birthday babygirl, I love you so much!!!

October Update

When I last updated about my kids, they were 6 months younger. Wow does a lot change in 6 months.

Eli is 15 months old. His favorite word is ball. He's not as verbal as Hana was at his age, but he is very mobile. He's toddling around like he's king of the world. He gives kisses in his own special way (read: bends down so you can kiss his head) and wants to eat everything in sight. He has 4 teeth with two on the way any minute now (please) and loves climbing things. In fact, he can get himself up on to all of the kids chairs we have. Unfortunately, he hasn't learned how to get himself down. He just sits there making his "stuck" noise until someone rescues him. He smiles all the time, this wonderful grin that just makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. He laughs all the time too, a true belly laugh, just like Hana. My kids make me enjoy life so much more than I ever thought possible.

Hana is aproaching 3 at high speed. She knows her birthday is on November 3. She knows she is going to be three. She knows her full name and that she lives in Moncton. She's learning letter sounds and how to use scissors. She has imaginary friends. In the last couple of months we've noticed a lot of changes with her. I swear someone is slipping her expresso behind my back. She never walks - she hops or runs or crawls or spins. She has this overwhelming need to touch or do or help with or hold or move or try or see or ask why about EVERYTHING. Example:

One day I was sitting (read: hiding) in the kitchen meditating (read: trying to gain a little sanity) when her blond little head peeks around the corner.

Hana: Mama, what are you doing?
me: I'm taking a little break babygirl (yes, I still call her babygirl, my mother still calls me boo on occasion, so I've got at least another 23 years with this nickname)
Hana: Can I come take a break with you?
me: No baby, not right now
Hana: Why mama?
me: Because if you were here it wouldn't be a break
Hana: Oh. After your done having break I can have a break with you?
me: ah, sure baby
Hana: Are you done a break now?

As exhausting as she is, she's so much fun. Every day when the boys nap we either do crafts or play with play dough or learn letter sounds or some other activity that's just for big kids, not for babies. She's very adamant that she is a big kid. Not a princess, not a boodle (one of my other nicknames for her), not a little girl. No no, she is a big kid, that's it.

As for Ben and I

He's doing well with school, has midterms next week, but he's not worried. He's really loving what he's studying and doing great with it. It's nice to see him so much less stressed and having time for things he enjoys and energy to spend with the kids.

Me, I'm doing great too. I'm knitting like crazy for Christmas but can't post details because family reads this (Hi everyone! Love you all!) but I'm pretty exciting about what's coming off the needles. Babysitting is doing well and we've got a pretty good routine going.

Life is good.

Dear Readers

I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. I'm sure I've left you wondering, I know I've spent time wondering if you're still out there.

See, I had a really bad year (read: decade) and after some particularly tough times during the summer (read: barely being able to function) the husband and I sat down to evaluate things (read: decided to start meds).

No really.

I've struggled off and on with depression since I was a teen. Through the troubles I had nursing, it was confirmed I had a serotonin* imbalance (the meds I tried to boost my supply messed with me, they were serotonin blockers. who knew.). I thought it was just a slight thing and kept doing what I always did when things were rough - eat well, sleep lots and try to ignore the desire to crawl into a hole and pretend I didn't exist. Only those things are really hard to do with two young kids and a husband.

This year was bad. The worst Ben has seen me (we met in 2001), I'd even say worse than when I was in High School because I didn't have the escape of classes and self injury. I was a mess. Angry, wanting to sleep all the time. Wanting to eat everything in sight. No patience for the kids or for Ben, isolating myself from my friends (sorry friends).

So I finally sucked up my fears and asked for antidepressants. It wasn't the stigma or anything that had kept me from meds before, it was a fear of what they would do to me (I have a nice family history of odd medical things/reactions) and I also didn't want to know what I had been missing.

Honestly, it was one of the best decisions in my life. I feel human, I feel free. I feel better than I did on the days I thought I felt good. It has made a fundamental change in the way I see myself and others. I don't feel like the scum of the earth. I don't worry about what people really think of me. I'm able to enjoy my kids and not feel like a horrible mother. I'm able to open up to my husband. When I smile it's because I'm actually happy rather than because I know I should feel happy.

Life has taken a huge upswing. We're in a church we absolutely love. Ben is back in school doing something he's always wanted to do (computer programming at NBCC). I'm still home with the kids (and a couple of extras). Life is good. Hopefully there will be more regular posts here now that I can think and enjoy again. Plus my kids are super cute and do funny things.



* HA! spelled that right the* first time
*er...spelled that one wrong....

still unwritten

I have both nothing and too much to blog about
topics that have run through my mind (and might merit their own post at some point):
- car seat safety
- my spinning wheel
- potty training
- kids update
- general cultual attitude towards kids
- summer plans
- going back to work


Until then, a brief update:
- Ben is working! He got a job with Irving for the summer. In September he's heading to Community College to take computer programming
- Eli is 11 months and has learned to climb stairs. He also has 3 teeth
- Hana is constantly telling stories and singing songs. She still gets up once a night.
- I got a spinning wheel and am working on Christmas knitting.