Friday, October 16, 2009

Dear Readers

I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. I'm sure I've left you wondering, I know I've spent time wondering if you're still out there.

See, I had a really bad year (read: decade) and after some particularly tough times during the summer (read: barely being able to function) the husband and I sat down to evaluate things (read: decided to start meds).

No really.

I've struggled off and on with depression since I was a teen. Through the troubles I had nursing, it was confirmed I had a serotonin* imbalance (the meds I tried to boost my supply messed with me, they were serotonin blockers. who knew.). I thought it was just a slight thing and kept doing what I always did when things were rough - eat well, sleep lots and try to ignore the desire to crawl into a hole and pretend I didn't exist. Only those things are really hard to do with two young kids and a husband.

This year was bad. The worst Ben has seen me (we met in 2001), I'd even say worse than when I was in High School because I didn't have the escape of classes and self injury. I was a mess. Angry, wanting to sleep all the time. Wanting to eat everything in sight. No patience for the kids or for Ben, isolating myself from my friends (sorry friends).

So I finally sucked up my fears and asked for antidepressants. It wasn't the stigma or anything that had kept me from meds before, it was a fear of what they would do to me (I have a nice family history of odd medical things/reactions) and I also didn't want to know what I had been missing.

Honestly, it was one of the best decisions in my life. I feel human, I feel free. I feel better than I did on the days I thought I felt good. It has made a fundamental change in the way I see myself and others. I don't feel like the scum of the earth. I don't worry about what people really think of me. I'm able to enjoy my kids and not feel like a horrible mother. I'm able to open up to my husband. When I smile it's because I'm actually happy rather than because I know I should feel happy.

Life has taken a huge upswing. We're in a church we absolutely love. Ben is back in school doing something he's always wanted to do (computer programming at NBCC). I'm still home with the kids (and a couple of extras). Life is good. Hopefully there will be more regular posts here now that I can think and enjoy again. Plus my kids are super cute and do funny things.

* HA! spelled that right the* first time
*er...spelled that one wrong....


Kristi said...

so sorry to hear you had such a rough year! and GOOD FOR YOU for taking the steps to find freedom!

It makes me happy to know that you are enjoying life more than you ever thought possible :)

Glo said...

Steph I love you very much. I am glad you are doing better.

mereoshop said...

I'm go glad to hear you are able to enjoy all the wonderful things around you!