Broken

Sometimes I feel broken.

Right now it's 2 am and everyone is asleep. I should be asleep. And then when the kids wake up at 6 I should get up with them so my husband can sleep in. I should make pancakes or eggs for breakfast. I should take them to the market and then the library and bring home some healthy fresh food for lunch.

But instead I'm sitting up late. Ben will get up with the kids and let me sleep in (because he's good to me when I stay up too late...actually he's good to me all the time. I warned him when we got married not to spoil me. He didn't listen). I'll get out of bed and feel angry and frustrated with myself for wasting the morning sleeping. Another day will pass without me saving the world and I'll sit up again late tomorrow night thinking about how I've failed.

See the problem?

And yet, even tho I'm able to see outside of the loop, even tho I'm rational and capable enough to make a plan (just sent Ben an email to wake me up so I can take the kids out. Not at 6, but no one really wants to see me on 4 hrs of sleep), I still feel broken.

Romans 7:15
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

I want to be a better person who organizes activities for my children and has a tidy house and cooks for her husband every night. But instead I sit on the couch and roll my eyes at the kids and put off getting groceries. But really that's not the problem. The problem is that rather than changing something (either my actions or my expectations), I just sit here feeling bad about it. Staying up late feeling bad doesn't stop the problem at all. Actually, it makes it worse, because everything is worse in the middle of the night sitting up all alone.

So, new plan of action - turning off distractions (facebook, ravelry, games) by 11 and going to sleep by 12 every night for the next week. We'll see how that goes.