The Birth House

I bought this book on Wednesday. It was WONDERFUL

It's set in Nova Scotia, during the first world war. It's about a midwife, from her first birth experience, during a time when the "miracles of modern medicine" were making births "pain free" for women - meaning they missed the birth of their children.

It was a beautiful, wonderful book, dealing with homeopathy, turning a breech baby and other common "problems" with birth. The main focus of the book was the struggle for women to be able to choose how they birth their child - at home when possible.

I find it interesting that this same discussion is happening now as more and more doulas and midwives are fighting for hospital privileges, as more and more women are looking for alternatives to a hospital birth, and as the medial system is (finally) realizing that midwives could take a lot of strain off of the medical system.

I admit with Hana I was scared to give birth. When I found out she was breech I was almost relieved because I had been so scared of what could happen - of an episiotomy, of the pain, of forceps and epidural. At least with a section I knew what would happen.

Now that I've spent more time reading about birth, I've come to realize that pregnancy is not cause for medical intervention. Birth is not a medical procedure. Yes, there are times when intervention are needed, and medical advances have kept so many mothers and babies safe, but for most women, these things aren't needed.

I'm so looking forward to my next birth. If the laws in Canada were different it would be a home birth, but having had a c-section that's not possible. I will trust my body, I will endure the pain, and, hopefully, I will bring my child into the world in whatever position makes it easiest for it to happen.

This was a wonderful, sweet, sad and empowering book. I highly recommend it (and if anyone in Calgary wants to borrow it just let me know!)


(P.S. I also found it quite humorous that at the same time as adressing the "evils" of masturbation, one of the "cures" for the "neurosis" that happened to women was a weekly treatment by a trained obstetrician that lead to orgasm...or at home with the use of a battery powered vibrator.)

Eating out can be dangerous to your teeth

I may never eat fast food again.

Ok, that's a lie...but I will avoid it more strictly than I have in the past. Yesterday Ben and I were eating at DQ (forgot how greasy food is there...ick!) and I broke my tooth.

Much sadness.

So I have this hole in my back molar. I think it was a cavaty and just sort of colapsed or something. Now I have to go to the dentist and get it fixed.

I haven't been to the dentist in about 10 years. They use needles, and thus I'm scared.

Actually, I was scared, but I'm getting over it. I had abdominal surgery and to IVs and more blood drawn in the last year than I like to think about. A little poke in my jaw so they can fix my tooth isn't that big of a deal...I hope.

My appointment is tomarrow morning - wish me luck!

My new obsession

(As if I needed another one....)

Bento!

It's not my fault. It's Jen's fault. She started talking about all the great things about bento and has a bento site and I just got sucked in.

It really is wonderful.

Basically you pack little containers with as much beautiful healthy food as you can. It means Ben and I are eating better, and I'm cooking more, which means we're spending less money too. It also means that we're getting cute little bento boxes from Japan, so it's really good we're spending less...

It's an art form that I've just started experimenting with. We don't even have our bento boxes yet so I've had to improvise, but so far I love it! So much wonderful, yummy healthy food!

So, if you're looking for a creative way to eat better, I'd definately reccomend giving it a try, but be warned, it can get addictive!

Thoughts

My church has been doing a very indepth study on 1st Corinthians.

I LOVE it.

Tonight was the first part of Chapter 4:
1So then, men ought to regard us as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the secret things of God. 2Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. 3I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

With a refrence to chapter 5
12What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?

and a throwback to Matthew 7:1
Do not judge or you too will be judged.


There was a lot of truth in what was said.
The first point was that the Matthew verse doesn't mean we can't make any judgements at all, but that our judgments, like all other things, come with consequences and paramaters.

Any judgement we make leaves us vulnerable to the same standard. That means we have to be very careful the standard we use. We can still recognize right and wrong, but at the same time need to have grace and understanding for different circumstances.

Which brings us to the 1 Cor 5 passage. This has to be one of my favorite passages, and one that is so often overlooked. I bet some people don't even know this is actually in there.

Paul doesn't think it's his business to judge people outside the church. He was a smart man, I agree with him.

See, there are laws of humanity, laws of the land, and laws of God. We're all subject to the laws of humanity - under no circumstances are things like the abuse of a child allowed. We're also subject to the laws of the land, however these may change depending on where you are. For instance, if someone in Canada is caught with marijuana they should pay whatever fine etc. is deemed necissary. If they're in, say, Denmark where the law is different, then it would be absurd to expect them to suffer the same consequences.

In the same veign, it makes no sense to me to expect those who haven't submitted themselves to God to ack like they have. There is no reason for most people not to have sex outside of marriage because they see nothing wrong with it. There is no reason for non-christian homosexuals not to get married because they see nothing wrong with it.

However, there is something wrong with "prayer gossip" within the church. There is something wrong with bitter, cuting remarks that are said "in fun" instead of openly dealing with issues. There is something very, very wrong with the hurtful, hateful things that people say to others "in the name of God". Yes, there is a truth that needs to be shared, that truth is God's love, not condemnation.

We've gotten mixed up on the gospel - it is Christ crucivied, dead, buried, and alive again, giving life and freedom to all. It is not ripping apart everything that a person believes and leaving them with nothing. That's spiritul rape.

The other part of the message was talking about who we truly are responsible to when we make our judgements. It's not those around us - inside or outside the church (because our judgements are to "spur one another on toward love and good deeds", not to hold one another down in guilt or anything else), it's God. In the end, we are accountable only to Him.

This is important, because no matter how sure we are of our decisions, of where God is leading us or the truth in our lives, someone will see a problem with it. Nothing good has ever been accomplished without some resistance. When we meet that resistance we need to remind ourselves of who we are truly accountable to. So long as He is behind us everyone else can step aside.

Pan's Labyrinth

We rented it because of all the comercials saying how great a fantasy it was.

It was not a fantasy. It had fantasy in it, but it was a movie about war.

There were parts that were beautiful and sweet, but most of it was horiffic and burtal. It's hard for me to watch violence, there were a lot of time I had to cover my eyes. It was a very honest movie.

It didn't make war glamorous or romantic. Even the heroine was terrified.

I've been thinking about war a lot lately. Usually I keep my ideas fairly quiet so as not to offend people. I don't want it to come across as a lack of respect or appriciation for all the soldiers willing to fight for something they believe in. That's not it at all, I have admiration for anyone willing to stand up for what's right. The world would be a much better place if more were willing to do that.

My problem is with the way war is presented. I know it's unrealistic to think this world will ever be without war - there are too many selfish and cruel people for that to happen. Instead I take this stance:

It may be necessary temporarily to accept a lesser evil, but one must never label a necessary evil as good. - Margaret Mead

Pan's Labyrinth deals is set during the second world war, in 1944, Spain. There is a leader, there are rebels. Without knowing the context, one would be tempted, at the beginning of the movie at least, to sympathize with the leader.

It made me wonder, at the beginning of the war, how many people, individuals andleaders, took it for granted, maybe even saw it as good. It's so easy looking at things from this side to say how horrible it was, to class it as one of the worst things in human history (tho there are things just as bad, even worse, with more deaths, and closer to where we are if people would care to look....). Look how long it took others to get involved, how long people just stood back and watched things happen.

And it makes me wonder if 60 years from now people will be looking back at current times with the same mentality. There are horible, sadistic, evil things happening in the world that most people don't even know about. Either they don't care to know, or they're afraid if they know they would do something about it. We've been so brainwashed in our society, so secure. Most fear we feel in North America is fear of our own making, fear forced on us by our media and our leaders. In anyone's lifetime there have been a total of 2 attacks from outside. Asside from killing ourselves (school shootings, bombings, gang wars etc.), we're pretty well protected. In other parts of the world not a day goes by without people afraid of what will happen, without seeing soldiers walk down the street, without having to hide their ideas and oppinions and thoughts for fear of being mistaken as a "terrorist".

who is really causing the terror?

I'm saddened and I'm hurt. And I'm angry. I'm angry at the misinformation, at the skewed numbers, at the lack of coverage of other atrocities that people think are history (Like most things happening in africa, like the starvation and treatment of widows/orphans in India, the deaths of Christians globally, the continued sepritism and conflict in Europe).

I wanted to turn off the movie. I wanted to not think about it. But I couldn't. I couldn't let myself to forget, to not think about how evil this world can be. I don't want to be one of the masses that doesn't know, and therefor doesn't care.

I reccomend the movie, but be warned, it might make you think.

Withdrawn

I am no longer a liscenced minister in the Wesleyan church.

No, nothing happened, just a lot of thinking and praying. I've learned a lot of things over the past two years, and part of what I learned is that the Wesleyan church isn't really a fit for me.

First off, let me say that I see denominations as helpful, but not essential. In fact, if you look at 1st Corinthians and all the problems that were caused by people aligning themselves to different teachers, denominations can be a bad thing. They're helpful in that they bring people together who have similar tastes in regards to certain issues. That keeps people from arguing over some things (altho if one looks hard enough they can find anything to argue about...) and keeps some sense of unity. That's a very good thing.

So why did I become Wesleyan? So I could be ordained. Not that I couldn't be ordained outside of the Wesleyan church, it just seemed an easy route to go, especially since I was going to a Wesleayan college. I felt a call into ministry, and took the pastroal program, and ordination seemed like the natural conclusion.

Except that things didn't go the way I planned. I did church ministry, and I enjoyed it, but a lot of my passion was lost. It became work. I wasn't able to do what I was truly passionate about, and couldn't force myself to be passionate about what I needed to do. It didn't feel like ministry anymore.

When I felt led to step down before Hana was born I was a mess. I thought God was removing my call, or that it was some sort of test, or that if I did step down I would be failing somehow. I was so wrong. Since taking that pressure off myself I've been so much happier, so much more passionate. I've been able to study and learn and share and build relationships. I've been able to get to know people, really know them without an agenda (because whenever you church plant, no matter how noble your intentions may be, getting people in the building is a big pressure).

So a lot of my ideas and assumptions have changed. I will still be doing full time ministry, just not traditional church ministry, at least not anywhere in the near future. I've also had to reevaluate being a member of the denomination. I always had hesitancies about some of the membership commitments in the denomination (and I've learned many others have the same hesitations, so maybe eventually those things will change), but was able to put them aside. I was able to uphold them for the sake of my integrity - standing for the things I had said I would. Now I've realized that it better serves my integirity to not align myself with something I don't agree with.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. Well, I do, I'm going to be a wife and mother and friend and teacher and helper and do all I can to be Jesus to everyone in my life. As for a career, I'm not sure. I've always been drawn to counceling. I have a lot of admiration for Social Workers. I love being a full time mom. No matter what I do I will be ministering. I will be partnering with churches and will be involved in structured ministry - children's church, small groups, missions.

This whole thing has been going on since January, actually it all really started last summer when I felt the need to step back from The Summit. Ben has been amazing through the whole process. So supportive and always reminding me that God will lead us, that His plans are higher than ours. He's reminded me that I never planned on being Wesleyan in the first place, and has pointed out how much more connected to God and my passions I have been in the last few months. He's such an amazing husband and father, I'm so blessed to have him.

I have such a peace about this. It was scary at first, wondering what will happen and where it will lead us, but the good kind of scary, the scary that makes me in awe of God's love and provision and providence. We're excited to see where God leads us.

She's So Smart!

I spent a fair amount of time with babies growing up, but never had enough experience to realize how incredibly smart they are. Now that I'm a mom, I'm constantly amazed at how much Hana knows and learns and communicates.

For instance, since she's learned to sit up well, we've been putting her on the potty now and then. At first it was just another place for her to sit and play, but now she anticipates it. When we're on the ball we put her on every time she wakes up. She's learned that and usually pees (or even poops!!!) within a couple minutes of being on the pot. At first I thought it was just coincidence, but it happens pretty much every time. She's learning how to use it.

She also knows what the wrap is. Since she was about 2 months old she's always gotten happy when she's seen me get out the wrap, and it just keeps getting more and more obvious. It's something she loves and feels safe and comfortable in. She smiles and laughs while she's being wrapped.

She communicates really well too. She has different noises for when she's wet or hungry or bored or tired. She lets us know very clearly what she needs, and the look on her face when we understand is priceless. She gets so proud of us!

As she grows I'm just more and more in awe of her, of how she learns and her personality. We are so blessed!

I'm a hipipe

According to my mother, I've turned into a hipie...and aside from the pot smoking and acid dropping, I can't really argue with her.

I've started living life much more simply. I don't use commercial cleaners. I shop organic whenever I can. I cloth diaper my baby and carry her around in a long piece of cloth.

There are other things too....like my growing interest in homeopathy. If it were possible I'd have a water birth with my next child - at home. I have a complete disgust at the amount of chemicals and alterations that come with food. I have a growing frustration with government, especially when it comes to the war of terror. I distrust media and know I'm never getting the whole story. If given the opportunity to protest something I have issues with I'd happily participate.

I'm also realizing that a lot of the extras we live with and consider vital aren't really necisary at all. I'm mostly noticing this with baby items (we have a lot of stuff we don't use/need), but it goes with general stuff as well - altho no one can make me give up my computer!

I guess I'm just learning how to make life more simple and appreciate things more. I listen to music and read more. I spend more time walking and with Hana and Ben. We do things as a family. We're trying t keep things more natural because it cuts down on stress and makes things better for everyone.

So I like being a hippie...and I don't think anyone who really knows me is all that surprised.

Fluffy Mail

Ben bought me a Purple Waves Didymos wrap for our aniversary. Yup, I have the best husband in the world!

I wasn't expecting it until Friday, but got a wonderful surprise today!
It's so thin and airy and supportive and grippy and soft! Ok, it's a little stiff, but I'm sure that won't last long. Here's a pic in the box: (It's really not as blueish as it looks in the pic)


So here we are in our first ruck. She likes it



In fact, she likes it so much she fell asleep and I didn't want to disturb her when we got home, so I just took one strap off and left her up there:



Isn't she cute!



Her's a better picture of the colour:

My beautiful Baby

Considerations

a lot has been changing in me lately and it's hard to figure out some times.

Since moving to Calgary I've grown a lot and learned a lot and my perspective on things has changed, especially in my beliefs.

I suppose some would say I'm going through a crisis of faith, but that's not it at all. My faith is secure. In fact, it's more secure and more alive than it's been for quite a while. I'm more aware of God than I've been. I'm more thankful, more reflective, more passionate about what it means to live a life with God. I see things differently, see people differently, and have a clearer sense of where I fit in the midst of it all.

So what's the problem then?

I was filling out my DBMD form late last night. Currently my ordination status is on hold until I'm done being a stay at home mom. The thing is, I don't know when that's going to be. I love being a mom. I love being able to focus on Hana, to spend time with her. I love getting to know other moms. It's taken me two years to make friends here outside of work, and the friends I've made in the past few months are so wonderful and it's making moving back east a little harder.

When I decided to put my ordination on hold it was really hard on me. I felt like I was abandoning my call, that I was letting God down somehow. I realize now that really it's just a clarification of my call. I see now that my ministry won't be what I had originally thought. I'm not sure if I'll ever be in official full time ministry - meetings, office hours etc. I will do ministry, and I am doing ministry, but it's something much different than I had pictured.

So I wonder where this leaves me for ordination. I'm also dealing with different ideas and issues towards the denomination. The main reason I became Wesleyan was because I understood and could support the doctrines and because it was necessary for ordination. So I feel no supreme loyalty to the denomination. Don't get me wrong, the denomination has been good to me and besides minor issues (none of which are any worse than could be found in any other organization I've ever been part of) I'm very happy.

Ben and I have been going to a Mennonite Brethren church since December and we love it. It's warm and welcoming and the teaching is wonderful. My point is - what if the church we feel is a fit for us and want to be part of isn't Wesleyan?

So right now I'm sitting with a bunch of questions and what ifs and things that I don't need to question but am. Like I said, I see things differently now. The legalism and hoops and right answers stick out to me, and I'm not sure how I feel about them anymore. Again, it's nothing I have against the denomination, these things exist in all organizations, I guess I'm just more aware of them now.

So thats what I'm thinking and that's where I am, and if you've gotten this far and have anything to share, I'd appreciate it.

Two years

Two years ago today I became Mrs. Stephanie Perry. Honestly, I hardly remember the wedding at all. I remember getting ready, I remember saying the vows, and I remember bits of the reception (including Travis's LONG speach and not getting any of the cake). The rest of it is just a blurr....

But the wedding isn't the important part, the marriage is. Over the past two years I've become a different person, a better person, because of having Ben in my life. I love him more and deeper each day.

Back Wrapping for beginners

This is basically me bragging. Since learning how to do a russack carry (thanks Jen and Amy!!!) I've been addicted to it. And Hana likes it too. So I decided I'd show off and take some pictures since most of you who read this aren't that experienced with babywearing and might just be impressed with my not-even-close-to-expert skills! For more info (and better instructions on any carry/carrier imaginable!) check out thebabywearer.com

Step 1: Spread out wrap and place baby in the middle.



Step 2: Bring top rail over baby's shoulders and grab baby under the left arm with your left hand...ditto with the right arm. Make sure you're holding both wrap and baby.



Step 3: Lift baby up and uncross your arms. That will swing the baby over your shoulder and turn her around. Place baby on your back.



Step 4: Holding baby with one hand, reach the other hand behind you and tuck bottom rail of wrap under her bum. Be generous and make sure the wrap will cover to her knees.



Step 5: Still holding baby under the bum, bring bottom rail up on top of your shoulder under the top rail (the sadwitch method) Tighten both rails and tuck between your knees. (excuse the funny face...)



Step 6: Switch hands and repeat on other shoulder, making sure baby is nice and tight, tweeking as necisary. Baby should now be sitting in a nice little pocket of fabric that puts the knees higher than the bum. Tip: getting hair up before wrapping is always helpful.



Step 7: Take one side and pass it under your arm, over baby's first leg and under the second. I twist it a bit before bringing it under my arm but you can keep it spread.



Step 8: Ditto with other side.



Step 9: Stand up and tie off in front of around back if you have enough length. I tuck the tails into it so they don't bug me. Happy baby and happy mommy! (Ok, she's a little loose and a little low, but that's because I was crouched down on the floor and leaning over a lot. When I'm standing and not so leaned forward I can get her on better.)





She was up there for about 2 hours while Ben and I walked to the mall and it was great. No pain at all! I took her off while we were there to feed her, and put her back up (with an audience!) and it was super easy! I love this!

Pictures, as promised

For those of you who are afraid you'd be overwhelmed with Hana's cuteness and haven't already checked her pictures, here are some of my current favorites

6 months old!

My baby is half a year old. Part of me can't believe it, where did the time go? The other part of me can't believe there was ever a time when she wasn't part of my life.

In the past few weeks she has become an expert at sitting. She can even grab her toes or any other toy that happens to be in front of her and then sit back up.

She's peed on the potty twice. Yes, I realize it's probably flukes and most people will think I'm insane for even sitting her on it, but that's two diapers I'll never have to change, how insane is that?

She still gets up a couple of times a night. Some nights this really bothers me, but most of the time I don't care. The first waking is right before we go to bed (around 11) and the second is at around 5:30, so it's really not so bad, especially since she goes to bed at about 8 every night and doesn't get up for the day until between 7 and 8 in the morning.

She wants to crawl. She lays on the floor and kicks and flails and wants to be moving. It doesn't quite happen yet, but she's working on it.

I've learned how to wrap her on my back. I know, this isn't one of her accomplishments, but you take 4 meters of cloth and get your baby on your back with no help and tell me you don't feel proud.

There's TONS of pics at her site, I'll put a few of my favorites up here once they upload.

Going Home

Yesterday I booked a one-way flight to Saint John. I'm really going home.

The plan is this:

July 21 - dad and Dana get in Dad's truck and start driving out here
July 22 - mum and nanny fly here - we spend the week visiting and finishing packing
July 28 - dad and Dana pack up the vast majority of my stuff and head home
July 29 - Ben's dad arives, me, mum, nanny and Hana fly back home
July 30 - Ben and his dad leave, driving back our car and remnants of our stuff

So I'll be home on the 29th and will stay in Saint John until Ben gets here. Then we move to Moncton. It would be great if we could have a job set up for Ben and a house in the works, but if that can't happen we'll get an apartment until we're able to get a house (which better not take long, I'm sick of apartments!).

I can't wait to be home! Please pray that everything goes smoothly. The plan here is to start cleaning/packing a bit each weekend so there isn't too much left to do when everyone gets here. Also pray that Ben gets a good paying job before we move, that would be SUCH a blessing!

Exodus Part 2 - Through Water

(part one is here)

After the people if Israel cried out to God a redeemer was sent, Moses, and because of God working through him they were enabled to leave the land of slavery.

Exodus 12:31
During the night Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, "Up! Leave my people, you and the Israelites! Go, worship the LORD as you have requested.

I can imagine this seemed quite a shock to the people. They had seen the suffering of the Egyptians, and I'm sure they had experienced some level of suffering as well. God had protected them from the plagues, but I'm sure the slavemasters were not so kind to them during that time. Then suddenly they had their chance, their opportunity. They could leave. Not only that, but they were able to plunder the Egyptians at the same time and bring plenty of provisions with them.

I'm sure the group moved slowly. It would have been very large and with children and the elderly, as well as carts, heards, and everyone wondering what was really going on, where they were going. I'm sure there were many questions, but also a peace. God was leading them to freedom.

I can imagine the thoughts as they came upon the Red Sea, the last obsticle between them and freedom. I'm sure there were many theories on how they would cross that body of water, or guesses as to how long it would take them to go around.

And then tragety - the army was after them, they were trapped. They came to a realization I'm sure all of us encounter at lest once in life. Just because the bonds of slavery are broken, just because we are given freedom, doesn't mean we are free.

This is seen in various ways in the Christian life. There are still trappings of the "old man" even tho he is dead. There are habits, addictions, memories, thoughts, any number of things that can hold us back, keep us tied to the past. In my experience, it's always just when we think we're free that they sneek up on us. I've often imagined it as some sort of bungie coard that lets us get so far from our past and then suddenly snaps us back. Suddenly freedom doesn't feel very free.

The answer for the Israelites, and for us, was going through the water. I feel that baptism in Christinity is both over-emphasised and under-emphasised. It is seen as a great symbol of our position, of our aligning with Christ in life and in death, but for the average person I don't think the perspective is right. I know for a long time it wasn't for me.

When John called out "Repent and be baptized" it was before Christ's death, before the way was opened up to us. Baptizm for him was a symbol of change, of cleansing, of complete trust in God to save, before salvation comes. That's the part of baptism I feel is so often neglected, at least in my experience. As the Israelites stood on that shore, there were two options - lay down and be killed or sent back to slavery, or go through the water and be saved. Altho I'm sure to most both options looked like death. Going through the water for them was a great matter of faith, of things unseen, not of things experienced.

When we talk of baptism it's usually either as an infant or one who has already been "saved" and has experienced God's grace. I think baptism could be made broader, could be opened up for those who are willing to try, who are wanting to experience God's salvation even if they haven't yet. It could be a first step to God, not a final symbol of what has already happened.

This is going against the regular thought on this subject, against tradion, and probably wouldn't fit even with my denomination's stand on the topic. I do think it fits, however, in the historical context of the experience.

Baptism is a step of faith, it's trusting for salvation when there seems to be none in sight. It's a step towards God, a symbol of extreme need and desperation just as much as a symbol of that salvation being recieved through Christ's death and resurection. It can be a first step that places us in God's hands and out of reach of what enslaves us.

So Excited!

I'm going to see Cirque de Soleil this summer!

*does a happy dance*

I've loved Cirque since the first time I saw it. For our honeymoon Ben and I saw Corteo and it was awesome. We had front row seats and the whole thing was just enthralling. It was like living in someone's imagination for a short time. So wonderful.

Mum called me today and told me that a "scaled down" version was coming to Saint John the end of August, but that tickets weren't on sale yet. I informed her that if they've announced it, tickets must be on sale somewhere! So we're going, with my aunt, her partner and my grandmother. I just wish Hana was older so she could come too!

I can't wait for this summer, so many wonderful things happening!

10 reasons why my husband is the best man in the world

In no real order....

1. He gets me ice cream almost whenever I ask
2. He provides for his family and still makes time to just sit and be with us
3. He can remember any puzzle from any Zelda game
4. He is the most caring father I've ever seen
5. He'll stay up and feed Hana after getting home from working all night just so I can get an extra half hour of sleep
6. He tells me when I'm wrong
7. He's always able to see things from another perspective
8. He's one of the most kind and gentle people I've ever met
9. He's extremely generous
10. He supports the people he loves

Bath Time

Hana has outgrown her baby tub. She doesn't like being reclined anymore, and it's so shallow that only her bum was coverd.

So she's graduated to bathing in the sink, and she likes it!

24 things about me

1. I turned 24 yesterday
2. Until I was 18 I had only lived in two houses, but they were about 20ft apart
3. Until I was almost 15 the only computer I had was a comadore 64
4. I'm too moody to have favorites
5. Being a mom is the best thing in the world that ever happened to me
6. I self injured for 8 years and have been clean for 6
7. I have never smoked
8. I have never been drunk
9. The only alcoholic drinks I've ever liked are wine, baby champaigne and Kahlua
10. Tylonol makes me sleepy
11. When I had my c-section the only pain reliver I had was tylonol
12. The anestesiologist thought I was crazy for not wanting morphine
13. I'm dyslexic
14. I have some of the best friends in the world
15. I have a secret desire to some day write books
16. I remember splitting my head open when I was 2
17. I'm asthmatic
18. The last asthma attack I had was a year and a half ago
19. I don't like fish, I try it occasionally and nothing changes
20. I think it's because I caught a fish when I was 5ish and they BBQed it...I cried
21. I can tolerate dogs but would never choose to own one
22. I want a cat but can't have one in this appartment
23. I've lost count of how many times I've dyed my hair
24. I had a really hard time thinking up things for this list.

Intellectual Dishonesty Part 2 (aka a rant)

I seem to have been causing problems again.

I got a private message on one of my boards asking why I had a problem with one of the other posters and why I'm always picking fights.

It made me confused, frustrated, and a bit angry.

It seems that in the name of "playing nice" I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut. It seems people would rather I just smile and wave and then talk about what I disagree with behind someone's back, or else be so ambiguous about what I say that you can't really tell if I agree or disagree.

I'm sorry, but that isn't going to happen.

Silence is agreement. If there is a topic being discussed that I have an oppinion about, I will give my opinion. I will even word it strongly. And I will make it sound like I think I'm right. I don't think that makes me mean, I think it makes me direct, and honest. I don't want there to be any question about where I stand. And if I didn't think my opinion was right I'd be out looking for a different one.

I'm not a mean person. I am direct. I am even blunt. Some people don't know what to do with it, but others appriciate it in me. My intention is always to help and to inform. I know that I myself have a habit of getting trapped in my emotions and being unable to see beyond my own ideas, and in those times I appriciate another voice to help me see things from a different perspective. If everyone around me agreed with everything I did or said I'd be a much different person, and not in a good way.

Online, I'm even more direct than in person. In a real conversation there's time to clarify, there's things said through inflection and body language. Unable to rely on those subtle cues, I try to make things as easy to understand as possible. There are no hidden meanings or agendas. If you look for something underlying what I type, I'm sure you'll find something, but it will be your creation, not mine. At the same time, I try to give the benefit of the doubt to others in the same way - if my understanding of something isn't quite the direct meaning of what's being said, I either assume I'm reading too much into something or ask for clarification, just in case.

I'm able to admit when I'm wrong, and willing to apologize. Not those fake "I'm sorry if you're upset" apologies - if I wasn't upset, why would I be needing an apology? but a real, honest, "I'm sorry it came across that way, that's not what I ment but I understand why you took it that way, let me rephrase it so you can see what I meant" apologies.

My identity and beliefs are not tied up in the opinions of those around me. I'm ok with people disagreeing with me, in fact, I seek them out. I'm not hurt, offended, or insecure when someone points out flaws in my thinking or other ways of seeing/doing something. It helps me grow. I do get offended when someone makes an attack on me, on my family, or makes it sound like I'm a complete idiot. Take issue with my position, not with who I am thankyouverymuch.

Also, I understand that my beliefs do not change reality. Wheather I agree with them or not, certain things will not change. People will go to war. Raceism will happen. People will abuse other people. I can pretend it's not real, I can say it's not right, but the facts don't change. Just because I do not like that something is true does not mean it isn't, or that I should take issue with the person pointing it out.

On the same line, just because someone believes one thing doesn't mean they shouldn't be exposed to something else. There are people in the world who sincerely believe the holocost didn't happen, that Elvis is alive, and that formula is just as good as breastmilk. Their beliefs, however, don't change what is true.

On truth, virtually anything taken to the extreme is not true. That's the nature of our world, there is an exception to every rule. No matter what fact you come up with there will be something that will go against it. However, that fact doesn't make general statements completely invalid. If we all qualified every statement we made nothing would ever get said (as anyone who has ever been in a McMillen class is well aware of....). Just because rotweiller doesn't follow the "i before e except after c" rule doesn't mean that the rule is completely useless and should never be said.

And so to recap, I'm not a mean person, I don't pick fights, and I won't keep my mouth shut when I have something to say. If you have a problem with that, that's fine, I don't expect you to keep your mouth shut either.

5 months

Hana is 5 months old today.

In the past 5 months she has learned to "talk" and frequently lies in her bed telling the stickers on her wall all about her day before she goes to sleep. Ben and I turn down the TV so we can listen to her babbles, whines, laughs and everything else. She's learned to stand up and it's one of her favorite things to do. Given the chance, I don't think she'd sit at all, she frequently refuses to bend when we try to put her down. She's learned how to blow raspberries and does so all day long, getting everything and everyone within two feet of her covered. She's learned to hold her own bottle, and feed herself. She's also learned how to take the bottle out of her mouth, which she seems to prefer over holding it in there. She's learned to roll from front to back but refuses to do so with people watching. I think she's also learned to roll from back to front, but she hates being on her tummy so it doesn't happen. She's learned how to use her bouncer and loves bouncing, spinning, swinging and standing in it. She's learned how to sit, and also learned how to grab her toes. The two combined means she still falls on her face a lot, but now it's by choice. She's learned that if she kicks her covers off at night we'll pick her up, but if she hasn't we know she just needs some comfort and help getting back to sleep.

At the same time as she's been learning all these things she's been teaching me a lot. I've learned I can go 3 days without a shower and still make myself presentable enough to go to the store. I've learned that being spit up on in public isn't the end of the world and that if people even notice they have the decency not to care. I've learned that waking up with a warm squishy baby beside me is better than sleeping. I've learned that a smile can make everything better. I've learned that cleaning up baby messes can be fun. I've learned how to laugh more. I've learned the whole world can stop when my baby cries, smiles, or does anything else. I've learned to appriciate things more. I've learned how to keep life simple. I've learned how to be active and to relax more. I've learned that being a mother is the most amazing gift in the world.

It's official

Ben and I got a letter from our landloard this weekend.

As of August 1st (the day after our lease is up) our rent will be going up by 250$. That means we'd be paying almost a thousand for a basement apartment.

That isn't happening.

So we're definately moving back east. To Moncton is our plan. We're trying to find Ben a job before we move, but even if that doesn't happen we officially can't afford to stay here, so we'll have to just move on faith.

Getting the letter was actually a good thing. The only thing that was making us hesitate about moving back was the cheep rent here. As it was, I wouldn't have had to go back to work when my mat leave is up. I even turned down an Asst. manager position because I didn't want to go back to work.

When we move back I might have to work part time, but I can deal with that....childcare is more reasonable there, and I have some wonderful friends trying to start a daycare ;)

Still, I'd much rather not have to work, or only work a few hours a week. We'd also like to buy a house, so Ben needs to make a decent ammount of money.

So be praying for us. None of what we need is more than God can do. I'll keep you updated as we find out more

Exodus Part 1 - The Cry

I love the exodus story. I think one of the things lacking in our modern practice of Christianity is the remembrace of the major events in the history of the people of God. We sometimes forget that their history is our history, and without it our faith, our rituals, our understanding of God has no root.

Many things in Exodus parallel the Christian walk. No, it's not perfect, and trying to make things match up too closely cheepens both the history and personal experience. Still, when you look at both side by side it can be facinating. It shows we're all connected. The Exodus sotry isn't something tha thappened to a people group long long ago, it is a living story, told by the living God, that has happened in lives for generations and continues to happen now.

It begins with a cry:

Exodus 2
23During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. 24And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. 25God saw the people of Israel--and God knew.


Most of us have heard a message at one point or another about how we are slaves to sin and can't free ourselves, but if we cry out to God He will hear us, forgive us, and break our chains. That's what God does, that is what He has always done.

The people of Israel had lived in Egypt for a long time. In fact, the ones in this story weren't even the ones who had originaly gone to Egypt. They were born there, they did not seek out slavery, they found themselves in it. The sin that we need to be saved from isn't just the sin that we do, it is the sin that we find ourselves in. If people try hard enough they can stop doing most things, at least for a time. Still, there is something deeper holding us back, and we are bound to it.

When the Israelites called out to God it could be they didn't know who they were calling to. At that point there was no Law, no rituals, no commandments, no religion as we see it. But there was knowledge of something greater than them, something bigger than the gods of the Egyptians. Something their forefathers had known and had experienced. They themselves had not experienced Him, they only had the stories, which seemed, I'm sure, more myth than anything else. And still they took a chance.

It saddens me that as a whole, the Church seems to want to hide God away, to keep Him only for those inseide its walls, for fear of wasting Him on those who haven't experienced, who don't understand. We're afraid to talk about our experiences with God for fear of someone thinking we're crazy, or that it's only legond, stories etc. I feel any knowledge of truth we can get out there is better than none.

And so the exodus begins. People cry out to God, and God answers. Something so simple, so easy, and yet so complex and difficult. From that moment, everything changes.

The Wilderness

Last year around this time I was praying. I was thanking God for all that was happening, for my friends, for my ministry, for my pregnancy, for the opportunity to reach out to the people I worked with.

As I prayed, I started falling asleep, and as I started falling asleep, I heard God.
"I love you my child" He said
"I'm going to lead you through the wilderness"
"No Lord" I responded
"Yes child, I'm going to lead you through the wildreness"
I started crying, repeating no no
"I will be with you and will meet you on the other side"

I woke up with tears streaming down my face, shaking and sobbing. I knew it wasn't a dream, I knew it was real, it was true, and still I refused to believe it. I tried to pass it off as just a dream and forget it had happened, even though I knew it ws real.

As the year went by, it was rough, it was excrutiating. At the same time I was drawn to expand on an idea I had used for a prayer night, paralleling the exodus events withthe Christian walk. I couldn't do it, however, without looking at the wildreness.

In my stubborness, I went through a lot of things alone, and felt more pain than I needed to, I'm sure.

The wilderness is seen as a place of fear, a place of death. I've learned that's not all there is to it. It's also a place of provision, a place of faith, a place to be refined, to grow, and to learn.

I'm through the wilderness now, and am learning the lessons. God did lead me through the wilderness, He was with me then and has met me on the other side. The new me, a different me that I am still getting to know, still growing into.

A lot Learned from Bad Advice

Those of you who (somewhat)regularly read have probably already read about my bad experience trying to nurse Hana. This post might sound a little familiar to you.

I have the privlidge of participating in the Breastfeeding Carnival, the topic being Breastfeeding advice. I was told they wanted the good, the bad and the ugly.

Well here's my attempt at giving nursing advice. It feels like an odd thing for me to do because I'm not nursing. Perhaps its one of those "those who can't, teach" situations. This is my story, and I think it definitely falls into the "ugly" category, but I hope it will be able to help and encourage someone.

When I was pregnant with Hana I was so excited about being a mom and everything that goes with that. I was especially excited about breastfeeding. For me it was something special, I was going to be the first woman in my family to breastfeed. I'm sure my pride over this soon-to-be accomplishment rivaled that of those who were the first in their family to do to university or own their own business. I was nervous, excited, and had my heart set on things starting out right.

As my pregnancy progressed, things weren't going exactly to plan. At 32 weeks Hana was still breech and my OB was concerned about her size compared to my size. There was mention of a c-section but there was still lots of time. I knew a section could possibly have an effect on a nursing relationship, but I knew lots of people got through that hurdle, and we could too. The next bump in the road was being unable to attend my breastfeeding class because I was still working. It was frustrating, but I was assured I'd have access to a lactation consultant and we'd have plenty of time to work on nursing if I happened to be in the hospital recovering from surgery. I was told not to worry about it, to relax because, after all, breastfeeding is natural and it won't be a problem. That's where the bad advice all began.

Hana was born November 3, 9:54 am, butt first. My section went well, no complications, and I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl. The only problem was minor, the spinal had been a bit too effective and I couldn't feel anything from my toes to my collar bones, so I was told to wait about an hour before trying to nurse her that's bad advice #2, just in case you're keeping track).

Over the next four days in the hospital we continued to have issues. We had latch problems, I was bleeding, but the LC assured me we'd get it right if we kept trying. She showed me another position, it still didn't quite work, but she had to run to another appointment. One of the nurses told me I had to supplement because Hana was loosing a lot of weight and getting dehydrated, so we gave her a cup and I pumped. I was told I only needed to pump until she started nursing for more than 20 minutes without pain.One of the doctors came in and assured me that even a drop of my milk was better than any formula, and to keep going. That was the most encouraging thing I heard, and I wish I had remembered that doctor's name so I could have called her back for more encouragement.

The night before I was to be discharged my milk started to come in. I can't tell you how happy I was to see the little white drops in the corners of Hana's mouth, I cried with joy, just knowing things were going to be ok, that we would make it work. That night she nursed for over an hour. Then a nurse came in and told me she had been nursing too long and I needed to supplement. She said that Hana wasn't getting enough and if she nursed any longer she would burn too many calories. At that point all my joy, all my hope, all my confidence in my ability to provide for my daughter melted away. I cried, they offered to take her to the nursery so I could sleep, and they gave her a bottle.

I kept trying to nurse every two hours. In my anxiousness and fear I had a hard time latching her. She would get frustrated, I would get frustrated, we would both end up crying and the blisters were getting worse. After my first night home we were visited by a community nurse. We had decided to supplement Hana that morning because I didn't think she was getting enough (she had nursed for over an hour again). The nurse supported that decision and suggested I keep supplementing and rent a pump to help get my supply up. She also suggested that I stop nursing for a few days to give myself a chance to heal. Just as they were almost healed I was checked for a blood clot and told not to nurse for 48 hours because of the dye used for the CT scan.

That was really the end of our nursing relationship. I didn't know it at the time, but it was. The six days of not even being offered the breast caused nipple confusion. She would scream every time I put her to the breast, no matter how hungry or content she was, no matter what position I tried. The hospital grade pump I had rented wasn't very effective and I could only pump about two ounces per day. The medication that I was on gave me headaches and (I believe) caused depression. I began to resent Hana every time she cried, knowing she was hungry and I couldn't satisfy
her. I felt chained to my pump and wasn't getting any results. The support and encouragement I had received was beginning to turn into concern about my supply and questions about my commitment to nursing. I wasn't offered natural remedies (like fenugreek or blessed thistle), and neither the LC nor any of the nurses I met with (5 over the course of 3 weeks) offered nipple shields or a supplemental nursing system.

It was a painful thing to pack up my pump and stop trying to put Hana to the breast. Within 36 hours I was dry and it was over. At three weeks old she became exclusively formula fed. I slowly stopped crying when I fed her, and she slowly stopped screaming with hunger every hour. We started to bond, I started being able to smile at her. The depression lifted and she started thriving.

Now she's a happy, healthy, wonderful and beautiful 4 month old, and I am an attentive, loving, relaxed mother. It still hurts to think about what was lost, writing it out is both therapeutic and excruciating. At the time, switching to formula was what needed to happen, but had I known better and not been given such bad advice (over and over again), I know we wouldn't have gotten to that point. Now that I know better I know that next time I will be able to nurse, and that will help heal the loss of a nursing relationship this time around.

My advice for new nursing mothers - keep doing it. A nursing relationship is a choice and a right. There is help, there is support, there is a solution to every problem you can face. It is your right to nurse your child, but unfortunately you might have to fight for that right. Talk to people you know who have nursed. Go to La Leche League meetings. Meet with a LC before your baby is born, especially if anyone in your family has had nursing issues in the past. Let everyone around you know that you want to nurse, and tell them that if they aren't going to support it that you'll wait to talk to them until after nursing is going well. Get a baby carrier and keep your baby skin to skin as much as you can. Take baths and relax with your baby. Fall in love with your little miracle and know that you have within you the ability to provide nourishment for body, mind and soul. When someone tries to undermine this ability (be they nurse, doctor, mother, mother in law, sister, friend or even husband), seek a second opinion and protect yourself with people who will support and encourage you. It might not be easy, it might hurt, both of you might cry, it might seem like the most unnatural and awful thing in the world, but you can make it work.Trust me, it will be worth it.

Read the other posts in the carnival:
The Lactivist: Exclusively Pumping: Good Advice is Hard to Find
Motherwear Blog: The Fifth Carnival of Breastfeeding: Good Advice, Bad Advice.
Breastfeeding 1-2-3: How to Get Good Medical Advice on Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding Mums: Good Advice/ Bad Advice
Mama Knows Best: Breast Feeding Advice

Guest entries for the month can be found at the Black Breastfeeding Blog, Mocha Milk, Cairo Mama, The Twinkies, and The Baby Gravy Train

Look Ma! No Hands!

Yes, that is Hana, standing in her cib all by herself

Here's the story

Hana LOVES to stand up. When we pull her hands (to lift her into a sitting position) she turns into a plank of wood and just stands up. She has really good balance and can stand holding our fingers or the side of her crib for about a minute. So she was playing in her room while I put away her laundry, and I thought I'd see if I could get a picture. I got the camera, held it with one hand, got her standing and had my other hand beside her just in case. The idea was to move my hand out of the frame, take the pic, and then move my hand back, just in case. Like I siad, she can stand holding her crib, so I wasn't too worried.

So I got her standing, smiling at me, I move my hand, I take the picture, and then the flash goes off.

I hadn't thought of that.

It scared her.

She moved her hands.

She lost her balance

Remember that going like a plank thing I mentioned? Yup. Fell stright back like a board.

So I reach out for her and get my hand behind her head just as it hits the mattress. She lookes up with me with this "what was that?" look, and then lets out a scream.

I pick her up, she stops crying, I start crying and frantically checking her over. She didn't hit anything but themattress, so she wasn't hurt at all, but it did scare the crap out of her. I felt so awful!

But it did make for a good pic and a funny story!

4 months old

Ok, I'm a little late posting this. Oops?

Hana is 4 months old. She's starting to giggle. She tries so hard and when she manages to get one out it's the most beautiful sound in the world. She also babbles ALL day long (just like her mommy!) and loves to stand up. She hasn't quite gotten the hang of sitting yet (she usually ends up falling forward) but she's trying really hard. She's got so much life and personality. She loves to play and loves to snuggle up to go to sleep. Every night she has some nekkid time which she loves, she lays in her crib and coos and kicks (and pees, 3 times in 15 mins tonight!).

I can't express how much I'm in love with her. It's amazing to think that this person came from me. She's got so much personality, she loves to smile and move around. I can't wait to get to know her - what she thinks and feels. I'm so excited for our families to come visit this summer, she'll be so much fun!

There's some new pics of her at hanapics.cjb.net

Rough Week

- got a phonecall I really didn't want to get

- Still not sleeping

- have to take Hana to get shots next week

- Ben's on night shift

- still not sleeping

When Ministry Hurts

I'e been fighting with myself about posting this for the past few months. Having a public blog that isn't anonymous makes things like this a little tricky - do I allow myself the time to debrief and express how I felt in the situation, understanding that those reading may come away with an inaccurate view of what happened, or do I keep silent because people know people and have ideas about things and it'sbetter just to not bring it up.

So I'm writing this with a disclaimer. These are my feelings and perceptions about what happened. I learned a long time ago that feelings are not always an accurate presentation of reality. At the same time, I need to be able to express and validate how I felt. Also know that I understand circumstances had a lot to do with how I felt, and I always give others the benefit of the doubt. I don't think anyone was intentionally doing thigns to make me feel that way, but more I was a victim of circumstance and miscomunication. Either way, it still hurts.

When I was on my internship I fell in love with the Summit. I fell in love with the people there, I fell in loe with the city, I bought into the vision and goals that the church had set out. When Jess and I talked about me coming back to be on staff I was excited and at peace about it. Ben and I both knew this was where God wanted us and that He would take care of us.

When we moed out here we were both anxious and excited. It was nice to be able to reconnect with people after being away for 5 months and so much changing. I wanted to jump right back into ministry. I was looking forward to support, encouragement and mentouring from those around me.

Unfortunately, as time went on, that's not what happened. Relationships became strained and something didn't feel right. Instead of being encouraged and supported I was feeling alone and isolated. Instead of people helping me to succeed and achiee my goals it felt as though they were waiting for me to make mistakes. No one came along side me to help, instead they stood at a distance watching, and talking. More than once I was told that expectations of others had not been met. The thing was, no one told me what the expectations were, or that they even existed.

I felt hurt, judged, and isolated. I felt as though no matter what I did it wouldn't be up to standards, because no one would tell me what those standards were. I tried to reach out to people, I made it clear that I was struggling and needed help, I asked for help and it was promised but never given. I got burnt out.

I admit most of this happened during my pregnancy when I was hormonal, emotional and super sensitive. I admit that could have affected how I was percieving things, but I'm not alone in how I saw things. Other people could see the strain in a few relationships and could see the undue pressure being put on me by others. I was told I just had to deal with it, that it was who they were, and to keep reaching out to them and once the relationship changed it would be better.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. Every event or project or responsibility I had put a tremendous ammount of stress on me. Added to that was the idea that I was the one who needed to deal with it and fix it. I thought that was just wrong, but there was nothing I could do.

When it came to the point I was loosing sleep and not functioning because of the stress I had to step back. I went on a break to destress and prepare for Hana's birth. It made me happy, it took the pressure off, and in my mind I was able to ignore the rift in relationships and work harder at rebuilding them - it was much easier now that there was nothing left for them to judge as far as my professional responsibilites.

When the church closed it was a blow, but not entierly a suprise. There were problems that I suppose I shouldn't discuss here. It was sad, it was hard, and the timing was horrible. Hana was born two days before the last service. I was still in the hospital and she was no where near ready to be discharged. People were organized to bring us meals the first week we were home an dit was wonderful.

After that, we were all alone. No phonecalls, no visits, no connectuon to anyone. I suppose I'm just as much to blame, I didn't call them as often as they didn't call me, but I was at home all alone with a new baby. And it wasn't everyone, a few did keep in touch and still do, and that's wonderful. But what about the others? Especially the ones who had been there and knew what it was like to be alone with kids? The ones who I had seen gather around others, having dinners, making phone calls, helping with advice and experience.

I think that's what hurt the most - ralizing that the relationships we thought we had were no more than professional. The relationships from the church melted into nothing the same way the relationships from my other job did. Ben and I both experienced isolation and rejection. Again, not from everyone, but enough that it still stings.

So maybe that's why I'm so happy being a stay at home mom. Maybe I'm scared to go back into ministry. Maybe thats why I feel as though the church closing is a personal failure.

Just so you know, I have forgive and moved on. I hold nothing against any of those from the summit. I understand life is busy and things happen. This is just part of the healing process.

Beautiful Moment

I'm part of a playgroup here. It's wonderful, I et out of the house, spend time with other moms and et to see lots of adorable children.

Yesterday while there I saw the most beautiful thing. A mother was nursing her two dauhters at the same time. The younger was 11 months and the older was a little over 2 years. Both were curled up with her, the older in her lap, the younger beside her. The older sister was playin with the younger ones hair. I was struck by how simple and wonderful it was. A beautiful picture of the bond between mother and daughter and between sister.

And it got me thinking

And it made me a little sad.

I won't have that experience. I wonder what Hana will think when I start nursin her future siblings. Will she remember all the struggles we had? Will she wonder why they don't get bottles and she did? What will I do if she wants to try nursing too?

All questions that I can't answer now, things that just have to stay in the "wait and see" pile. So I'll leave them there and just remember what a beautiful thing that was to see.

Did I mention

insomnia sucks?

still can't sleep

grrrrr

Things you can learn from a baby

- When something happens and you're not sure how to react, smile or make a funny face

- taste everything you get your hands on, you never know when you'll find something good.

- it's ok to pout as long as you let people try and make you happy

- nap and enjoy it

- spend as much time as you can exploring

- talk to the people you love, even if the words don't make sense

- if all else fails, kick your feet and flail your arms, you'll at least make someone smile

A message from Hana

More pics at hanapics.cjb.net

Insomnia Sucks

Since my teens I've battled with periotic bouts of insomnia. I remember going a few weeks at a time when I'd sleep from about 4:30-6, am and pm (without the naps I don't think I could have functioned) and that was it. At BBC it was better some years than others, but I generally slept pretty well, only having two or 3 weeks each year where I'd get less than 4 hrs. a night. Since graduation my sleep has been pretty good, but I still get the occasional few nights where I just can't sleep.

For a long time I thought it was stress or other issues that were keeping me from sleep, but over the years there hasn't been any consistant reason for me not sleeping. Like right now, I'm relaxed, I had a wonderful day (I got most of my house clean, spent time with friends, played with my baby and had time with my husband, what could be better than that?), and there's nothing stressful going on in my life. I'm tired, but I laid in bed for 30 mins and didn't fall asleep.

So now I'm up trying to do something useful for a bit and then I'll try again. Thankfully Ben has baby duty tonight and in the morning so I should be able to sleep in.

yawn.....

I'm the wheel.

In a recent conversation with some wonderful women, the question "do you ever feel like a hamster in a wheel" came up. After some thought I realized I don't feel like the hamster, I feel like the wheel.

There have been times that I've been the hamster, that I've been running around in circles trying to get things done. Usually it was because of some poor planning or stubbornness on my part, so basically I was choosing to get on the wheel and in theory I could choose to get off.

Now I feel like I'm going in circles, but they're not mine. My routines are dictated by the routines of others around me - Ben's schedule, Hana's needs, my mother's daily phone calls etc. All of these things have a HUGE impact on how my day goes and I sort of have to work around them. My life goes in cycles, but they're not mine.

It's not that I mind so much. I'm pretty happy with the routines and predictability. And it's not like I have no say in what I do, Hana is consistant enough in her routine (most days, this week, not so much, but I'm pretty sure it's teeth) that I can go out and do what I want pretty much any time. Still, every now and then I feel the wear and tear of going in circles, and there doesn't seem to be any way off.

To keep the mediphore, I suppose I could just come to a dead stop and fling that perverbial hamster to the floor and watch him scramble to try and figure out what's wrong. In fact, there are some days where it feels like that's what's going to happen, regardless of whether I want it to or not. It wouldn't be go, it would leave those around me scrambling and out of sorts, and that's not healthy for anyone.

So for now I'm accapting that I am the wheel, even on the days when I'm not so happy about it. The vast majority of the time I don't mind at all, it even feels like it's what I was "made" to do. And when it does get to me, I suppose I can always just ask the hamster to take a break.

Randomness

I couldn't sleep last night. Here is some of what was in my head:

- if people don't believe in Christ then they are already lost, so why do we care about what they do beyond that, none of that matters for their eternity.

- if doing the right didn't hurt sometimes, if it were always easy, then I think it would be harder to tell that we're doing the right thing.

- a loss of friendship hurts

- love is much to easy of a word to throw around. If we restricted ourselves to only using it when it was true (patient, kind, humble, keeping no record of rongs, not self-seeking etc.) a lot of people would be spared a lot of hurt, and I think we would tryly love more instead of half loving some.

- next april I want to try for another baby (yeah, and I said my first one wouldn't be until Ben and I had been married two years....)

- God still loves me even when my house is a mess and I havn't showered for 2 days

- this is not where I thought my life would be at this point, but i wouldn't have it any other way

Redeemed

Some of you may remember my posts from this time last year (here and here) about how this is a hard time for me. For those of you who won't click the links, I went through 8 years of depression and self injury, the last time I intentionally hurt myself was Feb. 13, 2001, just about 6 years ago. It's bittersweet, every time I come to this time of year I am reminded of all the years that were taken from me, time that was stolen because I was trapped. I was trapped in guilt, in fear, in shame and in all the pain that was both the cause and result of my actions.

I also think of how far I have come. To have been healed of my depression, to have overcome the addiction of self harm, to have learned new ways to cope, to feel the joy of life.

According to many who research self harm, it's causes and effects, I'm still not free. Like alcoholism or a drug addiction, they say that I will always be what I was, a cutter. Accodring to many the addiction and desire wait in me like a cancer, and if my defenses go down I'll be consumed again. In a way I can see thier point. It's only when I'm stressed or exhausted that I even think about it anymore, but it's been a long time, months, since the idea of harming myself has come to mind. I know that if I'm not careful, if I forget, it could come back. That's why I always wanted to remember this time of year, remember what I was, where I was going, and who I have become.

And then God interviened again.

I've been wanting to post this for a while, but made myself wait until close to the aniversary. This is close enough. Something else happened this time of year last year. My daughter was concieved. God took a time of pain, of fear, or mourning, and has redeemed it into a time of joy and celebration.

I know I don't need to be afraid anymore. There is no cancerous addiction at bay within me. I have been redeemed, cleansed and made whole. This is no longer a time of mourning the life that I had, but a time of celebrating the new life that was created.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above, ye heav'ly hosts
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Amen

My Baby girl

Make video montages at onetruemedia.com

Pure Insanity

The Lactivist Breastfeeding Blog: Overzealous Big Pork Stomps on Breastfeeding Blogger

This is insane. For those of you who don't click the link, bascially a work-at-home-mom promotes breastfeeding and sells a few slogan tshirts, one of which says "the other white milk", an obvious parody of the "Pork - the other white meat" slogans. Well, apparently it's too close of a parody and the National Pork Board (who knew that even existed!) is threatening to sue her if she doesn't remove the shirts from the internet and distroy any that havn't already been sold. Their reasoning - the slogan "tarnishes the good reputation of the National Port Board's mark" because she of her "apparent attempt to promote the use of breastmilk beyond merely for infant consumption".

So yeah, crazy!

Just a thought.....

Maybe if people would smile more they'd forget the reasons they don't

Maybe if we actually acknowledged the people we walk by every day no one would feel all alone in the world.

Maybe if every purghess had a 3 day waiting period we'd all be less in debt.

Maybe if we learned to forgive ourselves we'd have an eaiser time forgiving other people.

Maybe if we ate cookies or ice cream more often we'd be happier.

Maybe if we trusted eachother we'd get hurt less often.

Maybe if we let ourselves be loved we'd be able to love others.

Maybe if we turned off the TV we'd find other things we're interested in.

Waking up

I feel almost like I've been asleep for a long time. That foggy place between being fully rested and still exhausted. I am at a point when I realize I need to heal, and at the same time realize that is what I've been doing the last few months.

Last year was hard. I think most of the hard was due to overactive emotions caused by pregnancy. I think without those I would have been able to handle everything else much better. On the flip side, I think without all the other things I would have enjoyed my pregnancy much more.

I'm laughing a lot again. Not that I wasn't laughing before. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't fully me. Like in a dream when you half know something but not really. I can't really explain it, but it's there.

I'm realizing that I need to settle. That I need a home, a routine, some predictability in my life. Too much has happened, too much has changed. Since I graduated high school I havn't lived in any one place for more than a year. We've been in this appartment since Jan. 1 2006 so it's the running winner, but it's still not home. It's not ours. Trust me, if it were ours it wouldn't look like this. I want a home. I want a place I can have a bath, paint the walls, not have to look at orange vynle.

Someday we'll be settled, and we'll rest, and then I'll start to get that itch for something new again I'm sure.

ouch

I broke my toe. My left index toe to be exact. I stubbed it on Hana's swing. Stupid swing. Ok, not so stupid swing, she loves sitting in it and chatting to the horses...or the bars, or whatever it is she sees above her to the left. Now I know why some people think babies see ghosts. Ok, I'm rambling, time for bed.

Don't ask the "Experts"

Disclaimer - I debated whether or not I should blog about this because I don't want anyone to think I'm passing judgement on their parenting style. My problem isn't with how people choose to parent, people do what they sincerely believe is best. My problem is with some of the experts and what they reccomend parents do.


When I was pregnant I spent a lot of my time online looking at parenting websites, reading books and visiting parenting message boards. Like anything I didn't really know a lot about, I wanted to discet it and look at it from every angle. I had never been a parent before, I wanted to do my best, and so I turned to the "experts" to learn what I should do.

A lot of things shocked me. The first was the idea of "spoiling" a child by responding to their cries, picking them up, and nursing/rocking them to sleep. The rationalization of this idea is that if a child is always responded to when they cry, then they will learn to cry to get what they want, and will end up manipulating their parents etc. It's not a good idea to pick a baby up too much because it will cause her to become clingy and will hinder independance. It's a bad idea to rock or nurse a baby to sleep because then they will form a strong sleep association and won't be able to put themselves back to sleep if they wake in the night.

All of the above went against everything I had imagined about being a parent. I had daydreams of keeping my baby close and comforting her when she cried, of holding her in my arms, of rocking her to sleep at night, feeling this warm bundle close to me. To read that I wasn't going to be able to enjoy any of that was very sad.

Now, I admit, I may be taking things much more strictly than the "experts" intend, but after hearing people around me, friends and family, say things like "cry ing is good for her", "you'll regret holding her so much" and "she needs to learn to put herself to sleep" it's obvious to me that my first reactions to the advice of experts is how many others have taken it as well (and keep in mind that I've heard all of this and my daughter is only 11 weeks old).

Now, with my limited understanding of human psycology, the idea of spoiling an infant is just insane. From a completely secular and evolutionist standpoint, humans are at the very least mamals. As mamals, infants have certain instincts and reflexes that are ther to insure their survival. Likewise, mothers are hormonaly wired to respond in certain ways to their infants.
Babies try to communicate with those around them, but, being new to the world, they don't use the same language we do, so we need to learn to speak their language.

Babies do not cry to manipulate their parents. That whole idea is just completely insane. Yes, older children will cry and throw fits to get their own way (especially when this behaviour is proven effective) but babies don't. In the world of an infant there are basic needs - human contact (which is vital for regulating internal systems - heartrate, breathing, digestion, temperature, the internal clock etc.), food, sleep, and comfort. When one of these needs isn't being met, they signal to those around them that there is a problem. A week or so of being with Hana and I could tell what it was she needed, usually with pretty good accuracy (once I got over the idea that every time she needed something she must be hungry). When the babies signals aren't noticed and her needs aren't met, they move on to a stronger signal, crying. Babies cry because something is not right in their world, and, being babies, they do not have the ability to make it right.

I learned with Hana that if I responded to her rooting around, or grimacing, or reaching for me, then she didn't cry. Now, she does cry sometimes because I can't figure out what it is she wants, or it takes longer than she thinks it should (especially when she's tired, but we all get a little more impatient when we're tired), but for the most part she doesn't have a need to cry. I couldn't imagine leaving her in her room at night to "cry it out" - everything in me compels me to go to her when she has a need, and I really don't know how people ignore it. Even when Ben is letting me sleep while he takes care of Hana it's hard for me to stay in bed and not go to her if she cries, knowing that Ben is there to help her.

And with the whole cry it out thing, I do not know of one adult who would rather cry themselves to sleep than to fall asleep in the arms of someone they love. This world is new to babies, of course they need a little help soothing themselves and going to sleep. Crying themselves into a fit of exhaustion may work, but is it really healthy? I know a lot of kids who hate going to bed, who wake up in the middle of the night and go to their parents rooms, who don't want to be left alone in their rooms, and I don't blame them. They learned at the very beginning that when they were alone in their room in the dark, their needs were not met.

I could go on, and I might some other time, because this really hits me hard. I feel like many new parents will go to these experts, be told to go against their instincts, and will end up at a loss for how to relate to and take care of their baby.

I keep Hana with me during the day. Right now she's napping in my lap while I type. She does nap in her crib if I need to shower or something, but if I can sit here and watch her sleep, I take advantage of it. When I do the dishes she sits in her bouncy seat and watches me, I talk to her. When I'm shopping or just doing things around the house, I put her in the wrap and she does everything with me. When she needs some "alone" time she lets me know (looks away, doesn't reach out to me etc.) and I lay her down to play or put her in her swing and she's content.

I'm not afraid of spoiling her, food spoils, babies don't. She has her whole life to learn to be independant, and I will teach and encourage it as she is able ot meet her own needs, but until then I will keep her in a position where I can easily meet them.

Desire

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart


So does this mean that God is where our desires come from? Or does it mean that our desires willbe filled by God?

I think it's both. I think the closer we move to the heart of God, the more our pulse becomes in sync with His, and through time our desires are moulded to reflect His. At the same time, the story of God and man is a love story, with God consistantly wanting to bring us joy and peace and love and delight. All good and perfect gifts come from Him, and He alone fulfills our desires.

WIth God there is so much good, even in the midst of trials and heartache, he is there to be our delight.

Repost

This is something I wrote last November and re-read today when looking for something else. I needed to hear it, it gives me hope.

I believe in holiness.

I believe it is possible to live a day to day life without intentional sin.

I believe that when/if we unintentionally sin and are made aware of it we need to confess and repent.

I believe it is possible to gain victory over habitual sins.

I believe when we sin we are responsible, it is not "because we're human" but because we are choosing to live in disobedience to God.

I believe that when we are forgiven we are clean and righteous in the eyes of God.

I believe God wants to work in each individual life and lead people into a lifestyle of obedience and holiness.

I belive sin interrupts our relationship with God, making it harder for us to be used by Him.

I believe no sin is unforgivable except for denying Christ through whom we gain forgiveness.

I believe that you can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest.

I believe that in true Christian community we are responsible for holding each other accountable, to confessing to one another as needed and upholding each other in prayer and support.

I believe that the world is seeking something true, genuine, life changing and does not accept Christianity because they do not see these key characteristics.

I believe that Christians are not only held accountable for the wrong they do but also the right they do not do.

I believe there is a life free from struggle and characterized with victory.

I believe that as a whole we have sold out and settle for a life that is less than what God intended, for a life free from condemnation but not free from bondage. I beleive that we allow ourselves to indulge in sin because we have accapted the lie that we will never be free. I believe that Christians who allow their brothers and sisters to intentionally sin are supporting disunity in the Body. I believe that pride and arogance are as harmful and damaging as adultery and murder. I believe that a relationship with God should be evident in the day to day and not only in church attendance. I beleive that we have diluted the powerful healing transforming work of God into a message of "try your best and see how it goes". I believe that the reason people don't experience victory over habitual sin is because they are not taught that it is possible. I believe that on our own we will continue to sin, and agree with Paul that it is no longer we who live, but Christ in us, and through Him all things are possible.

I believe that the body has been wounded by false teaching, false expectations and false pride.

I believe that there are those who have experienced freedom and victory, and that their stories should be told and heard.

I beleive that there is healing and hope and peace available to us as we turn our hearts towards Christ.

I beleive there are those seeking a fuller life and finding it.

I beleive that those who are living victorious will be beacons of light for the rest of the body.

I believe the Spirit is moving and calling us to a standard that we cannot attain on our own.

I believe in a closer walk with God, a deeper experience with Him and a more effective life as a result.

I believe holiness is a decision, but cannot be accomplished by our will, is an act of God, and that we have our part, is personal and is corperate.

I believe that coming to God is a process and that each day new areas may be revealed to be surrended, and that through the whole process we can be called holy.

I believe that when the world sees the change that happens in a life as a result of an encounter with God they will be drawn to Him.

Life in a list

- my email is changing, as The Summit closed in November. My new email is perry.stephanie at gmail.

- I'm taking a couple years off from my quest towards ordination, mostly because I'm loving being a mom so much.

- We still don't know what we're doing after this summer. Feel free to offer suggestions.

- I sometimes wish this blog was more anonymous, but at the same time enjoy being part of a community online with people I actually know. Like most things it's a paradox.

- I have a few good posts that I'm working on, but Hana's naps have been a little more irratic lately.

- I really miss people, if anyone wants to come visit they're more than welcome.

- I have conformed and joined facebook.

- I really need to get out of the house

- if my msn is on, say Hi, I'm usually around playing with Hana, but having a conversation with someone who talks back is always nice.

Back to normal....sort of....

We got home on the weekend (home means Calgary in this post, whereas home meant NB in the last one...keep up people ;)) and it's good to be back. It was so wonderful being with family, but nice to have our own space as well.

I can't get over how well Hana handled the travel. She was more fussy those two weeks than normal, but she was completely off her routine, she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing all day, and that's hard on a little one. When we got home she was still a bit fussy, and chewing on things, and a bit drooly...yeah, you know where I'm going with this...my 9 week old daughter started TEETHING!

I can't get her to open her mouth long enough to get a picture, but Hana has a little white tooth part sticking up out of her lower gum. It's only the size of the head of a pin, but it's white and hard and rather tooth like, and the gum around it is rather bumpy (she likes when I rub her gums, I've become rather familiar with them), and I can't believe it! It could take another month before it completely comes up (oh joy), but really it doesn't seem to bother her too much. It's harder for her to get to sleep, and she can't quite get the hang of chewing on things because of the tongue thrust reflex, but so long as I can rub her gums and put her in the wrap for her naps she's not doing too bad.

She's also started sleeping extremely well. She finishes about 6 oz at around 10 pm, and then sleeps through til 5, then goes back to sleep til about 9. I am so thrilled! I really do have the best baby in the world!

In other news, life is pretty good. Ben and I think we've found a church here that we can be part of, work is going well for him, and life at home is good for me.

Oh, and I'll let Tyler and Denise post the details of Caylee's birth, mostly because I don't want to take that away from them, but also because I'm fuzzy on the details (I was too excited when Tyler called to really pay much attention).

Being Home

This has been a wonderful trip so far. It's so nice being with friends and family. I hadn't really realized how isolated Ben and I are in Calgary now, especially me since I don't work anymore. Being home, it's like we never left, and that's wonderful and comforting.

We still haven't made a decision on where we'll be after July, so don't get too excited.

In other news, I'd like to welcome Caylee Mae to the world! She was born Friday, Dec. 29th, 5 weeks(ish) early and a healthy 6lbs 10 oz. Congrats to Tyler and Denise!