a lot has been changing in me lately and it's hard to figure out some times.
Since moving to Calgary I've grown a lot and learned a lot and my perspective on things has changed, especially in my beliefs.
I suppose some would say I'm going through a crisis of faith, but that's not it at all. My faith is secure. In fact, it's more secure and more alive than it's been for quite a while. I'm more aware of God than I've been. I'm more thankful, more reflective, more passionate about what it means to live a life with God. I see things differently, see people differently, and have a clearer sense of where I fit in the midst of it all.
So what's the problem then?
I was filling out my DBMD form late last night. Currently my ordination status is on hold until I'm done being a stay at home mom. The thing is, I don't know when that's going to be. I love being a mom. I love being able to focus on Hana, to spend time with her. I love getting to know other moms. It's taken me two years to make friends here outside of work, and the friends I've made in the past few months are so wonderful and it's making moving back east a little harder.
When I decided to put my ordination on hold it was really hard on me. I felt like I was abandoning my call, that I was letting God down somehow. I realize now that really it's just a clarification of my call. I see now that my ministry won't be what I had originally thought. I'm not sure if I'll ever be in official full time ministry - meetings, office hours etc. I will do ministry, and I am doing ministry, but it's something much different than I had pictured.
So I wonder where this leaves me for ordination. I'm also dealing with different ideas and issues towards the denomination. The main reason I became Wesleyan was because I understood and could support the doctrines and because it was necessary for ordination. So I feel no supreme loyalty to the denomination. Don't get me wrong, the denomination has been good to me and besides minor issues (none of which are any worse than could be found in any other organization I've ever been part of) I'm very happy.
Ben and I have been going to a Mennonite Brethren church since December and we love it. It's warm and welcoming and the teaching is wonderful. My point is - what if the church we feel is a fit for us and want to be part of isn't Wesleyan?
So right now I'm sitting with a bunch of questions and what ifs and things that I don't need to question but am. Like I said, I see things differently now. The legalism and hoops and right answers stick out to me, and I'm not sure how I feel about them anymore. Again, it's nothing I have against the denomination, these things exist in all organizations, I guess I'm just more aware of them now.
So thats what I'm thinking and that's where I am, and if you've gotten this far and have anything to share, I'd appreciate it.