Thursday, January 25, 2007

Waking up

I feel almost like I've been asleep for a long time. That foggy place between being fully rested and still exhausted. I am at a point when I realize I need to heal, and at the same time realize that is what I've been doing the last few months.

Last year was hard. I think most of the hard was due to overactive emotions caused by pregnancy. I think without those I would have been able to handle everything else much better. On the flip side, I think without all the other things I would have enjoyed my pregnancy much more.

I'm laughing a lot again. Not that I wasn't laughing before. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't fully me. Like in a dream when you half know something but not really. I can't really explain it, but it's there.

I'm realizing that I need to settle. That I need a home, a routine, some predictability in my life. Too much has happened, too much has changed. Since I graduated high school I havn't lived in any one place for more than a year. We've been in this appartment since Jan. 1 2006 so it's the running winner, but it's still not home. It's not ours. Trust me, if it were ours it wouldn't look like this. I want a home. I want a place I can have a bath, paint the walls, not have to look at orange vynle.

Someday we'll be settled, and we'll rest, and then I'll start to get that itch for something new again I'm sure.


elizabeth said...

You are loved too. This week is a little crazy and long. I've been getting up at inhuman hours, which causes me to be in bed much earlier then I like. But I would love a call from you. Thanks.

denise :) said...

I hope you find that 'home' steph ;) *wink* I know that dream like state of pregnancy, I was 'me', but not the real me in a sence. I could almost see myself doing things normally, but I could not do them or act normally.. It was a strange sensation.. I am more 'me' now, but not completely.. I am not sure if normal really exists, but I am glad I have a place to call home. I am sure you will have a place soon too!
Denise :)

Jadon & Amberly's Mommy said...

Ok, off subject, but how did you get your title purple? I can NEVER get my titles to change color. I get bored with the green.

Steph said...

Kayla, it's purple because it's supposed to be a link, its beause I use the blog this thing, then erease the text they put in there, but i guess i didn't erase the code.