Friday, February 23, 2007

I'm the wheel.

In a recent conversation with some wonderful women, the question "do you ever feel like a hamster in a wheel" came up. After some thought I realized I don't feel like the hamster, I feel like the wheel.

There have been times that I've been the hamster, that I've been running around in circles trying to get things done. Usually it was because of some poor planning or stubbornness on my part, so basically I was choosing to get on the wheel and in theory I could choose to get off.

Now I feel like I'm going in circles, but they're not mine. My routines are dictated by the routines of others around me - Ben's schedule, Hana's needs, my mother's daily phone calls etc. All of these things have a HUGE impact on how my day goes and I sort of have to work around them. My life goes in cycles, but they're not mine.

It's not that I mind so much. I'm pretty happy with the routines and predictability. And it's not like I have no say in what I do, Hana is consistant enough in her routine (most days, this week, not so much, but I'm pretty sure it's teeth) that I can go out and do what I want pretty much any time. Still, every now and then I feel the wear and tear of going in circles, and there doesn't seem to be any way off.

To keep the mediphore, I suppose I could just come to a dead stop and fling that perverbial hamster to the floor and watch him scramble to try and figure out what's wrong. In fact, there are some days where it feels like that's what's going to happen, regardless of whether I want it to or not. It wouldn't be go, it would leave those around me scrambling and out of sorts, and that's not healthy for anyone.

So for now I'm accapting that I am the wheel, even on the days when I'm not so happy about it. The vast majority of the time I don't mind at all, it even feels like it's what I was "made" to do. And when it does get to me, I suppose I can always just ask the hamster to take a break.

1 comment:

elizabeth said...

I love you.