Bath Time

Hana has outgrown her baby tub. She doesn't like being reclined anymore, and it's so shallow that only her bum was coverd.

So she's graduated to bathing in the sink, and she likes it!

24 things about me

1. I turned 24 yesterday
2. Until I was 18 I had only lived in two houses, but they were about 20ft apart
3. Until I was almost 15 the only computer I had was a comadore 64
4. I'm too moody to have favorites
5. Being a mom is the best thing in the world that ever happened to me
6. I self injured for 8 years and have been clean for 6
7. I have never smoked
8. I have never been drunk
9. The only alcoholic drinks I've ever liked are wine, baby champaigne and Kahlua
10. Tylonol makes me sleepy
11. When I had my c-section the only pain reliver I had was tylonol
12. The anestesiologist thought I was crazy for not wanting morphine
13. I'm dyslexic
14. I have some of the best friends in the world
15. I have a secret desire to some day write books
16. I remember splitting my head open when I was 2
17. I'm asthmatic
18. The last asthma attack I had was a year and a half ago
19. I don't like fish, I try it occasionally and nothing changes
20. I think it's because I caught a fish when I was 5ish and they BBQed it...I cried
21. I can tolerate dogs but would never choose to own one
22. I want a cat but can't have one in this appartment
23. I've lost count of how many times I've dyed my hair
24. I had a really hard time thinking up things for this list.

Intellectual Dishonesty Part 2 (aka a rant)

I seem to have been causing problems again.

I got a private message on one of my boards asking why I had a problem with one of the other posters and why I'm always picking fights.

It made me confused, frustrated, and a bit angry.

It seems that in the name of "playing nice" I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut. It seems people would rather I just smile and wave and then talk about what I disagree with behind someone's back, or else be so ambiguous about what I say that you can't really tell if I agree or disagree.

I'm sorry, but that isn't going to happen.

Silence is agreement. If there is a topic being discussed that I have an oppinion about, I will give my opinion. I will even word it strongly. And I will make it sound like I think I'm right. I don't think that makes me mean, I think it makes me direct, and honest. I don't want there to be any question about where I stand. And if I didn't think my opinion was right I'd be out looking for a different one.

I'm not a mean person. I am direct. I am even blunt. Some people don't know what to do with it, but others appriciate it in me. My intention is always to help and to inform. I know that I myself have a habit of getting trapped in my emotions and being unable to see beyond my own ideas, and in those times I appriciate another voice to help me see things from a different perspective. If everyone around me agreed with everything I did or said I'd be a much different person, and not in a good way.

Online, I'm even more direct than in person. In a real conversation there's time to clarify, there's things said through inflection and body language. Unable to rely on those subtle cues, I try to make things as easy to understand as possible. There are no hidden meanings or agendas. If you look for something underlying what I type, I'm sure you'll find something, but it will be your creation, not mine. At the same time, I try to give the benefit of the doubt to others in the same way - if my understanding of something isn't quite the direct meaning of what's being said, I either assume I'm reading too much into something or ask for clarification, just in case.

I'm able to admit when I'm wrong, and willing to apologize. Not those fake "I'm sorry if you're upset" apologies - if I wasn't upset, why would I be needing an apology? but a real, honest, "I'm sorry it came across that way, that's not what I ment but I understand why you took it that way, let me rephrase it so you can see what I meant" apologies.

My identity and beliefs are not tied up in the opinions of those around me. I'm ok with people disagreeing with me, in fact, I seek them out. I'm not hurt, offended, or insecure when someone points out flaws in my thinking or other ways of seeing/doing something. It helps me grow. I do get offended when someone makes an attack on me, on my family, or makes it sound like I'm a complete idiot. Take issue with my position, not with who I am thankyouverymuch.

Also, I understand that my beliefs do not change reality. Wheather I agree with them or not, certain things will not change. People will go to war. Raceism will happen. People will abuse other people. I can pretend it's not real, I can say it's not right, but the facts don't change. Just because I do not like that something is true does not mean it isn't, or that I should take issue with the person pointing it out.

On the same line, just because someone believes one thing doesn't mean they shouldn't be exposed to something else. There are people in the world who sincerely believe the holocost didn't happen, that Elvis is alive, and that formula is just as good as breastmilk. Their beliefs, however, don't change what is true.

On truth, virtually anything taken to the extreme is not true. That's the nature of our world, there is an exception to every rule. No matter what fact you come up with there will be something that will go against it. However, that fact doesn't make general statements completely invalid. If we all qualified every statement we made nothing would ever get said (as anyone who has ever been in a McMillen class is well aware of....). Just because rotweiller doesn't follow the "i before e except after c" rule doesn't mean that the rule is completely useless and should never be said.

And so to recap, I'm not a mean person, I don't pick fights, and I won't keep my mouth shut when I have something to say. If you have a problem with that, that's fine, I don't expect you to keep your mouth shut either.

5 months

Hana is 5 months old today.

In the past 5 months she has learned to "talk" and frequently lies in her bed telling the stickers on her wall all about her day before she goes to sleep. Ben and I turn down the TV so we can listen to her babbles, whines, laughs and everything else. She's learned to stand up and it's one of her favorite things to do. Given the chance, I don't think she'd sit at all, she frequently refuses to bend when we try to put her down. She's learned how to blow raspberries and does so all day long, getting everything and everyone within two feet of her covered. She's learned to hold her own bottle, and feed herself. She's also learned how to take the bottle out of her mouth, which she seems to prefer over holding it in there. She's learned to roll from front to back but refuses to do so with people watching. I think she's also learned to roll from back to front, but she hates being on her tummy so it doesn't happen. She's learned how to use her bouncer and loves bouncing, spinning, swinging and standing in it. She's learned how to sit, and also learned how to grab her toes. The two combined means she still falls on her face a lot, but now it's by choice. She's learned that if she kicks her covers off at night we'll pick her up, but if she hasn't we know she just needs some comfort and help getting back to sleep.

At the same time as she's been learning all these things she's been teaching me a lot. I've learned I can go 3 days without a shower and still make myself presentable enough to go to the store. I've learned that being spit up on in public isn't the end of the world and that if people even notice they have the decency not to care. I've learned that waking up with a warm squishy baby beside me is better than sleeping. I've learned that a smile can make everything better. I've learned that cleaning up baby messes can be fun. I've learned how to laugh more. I've learned the whole world can stop when my baby cries, smiles, or does anything else. I've learned to appriciate things more. I've learned how to keep life simple. I've learned how to be active and to relax more. I've learned that being a mother is the most amazing gift in the world.

It's official

Ben and I got a letter from our landloard this weekend.

As of August 1st (the day after our lease is up) our rent will be going up by 250$. That means we'd be paying almost a thousand for a basement apartment.

That isn't happening.

So we're definately moving back east. To Moncton is our plan. We're trying to find Ben a job before we move, but even if that doesn't happen we officially can't afford to stay here, so we'll have to just move on faith.

Getting the letter was actually a good thing. The only thing that was making us hesitate about moving back was the cheep rent here. As it was, I wouldn't have had to go back to work when my mat leave is up. I even turned down an Asst. manager position because I didn't want to go back to work.

When we move back I might have to work part time, but I can deal with that....childcare is more reasonable there, and I have some wonderful friends trying to start a daycare ;)

Still, I'd much rather not have to work, or only work a few hours a week. We'd also like to buy a house, so Ben needs to make a decent ammount of money.

So be praying for us. None of what we need is more than God can do. I'll keep you updated as we find out more

Exodus Part 1 - The Cry

I love the exodus story. I think one of the things lacking in our modern practice of Christianity is the remembrace of the major events in the history of the people of God. We sometimes forget that their history is our history, and without it our faith, our rituals, our understanding of God has no root.

Many things in Exodus parallel the Christian walk. No, it's not perfect, and trying to make things match up too closely cheepens both the history and personal experience. Still, when you look at both side by side it can be facinating. It shows we're all connected. The Exodus sotry isn't something tha thappened to a people group long long ago, it is a living story, told by the living God, that has happened in lives for generations and continues to happen now.

It begins with a cry:

Exodus 2
23During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. 24And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. 25God saw the people of Israel--and God knew.


Most of us have heard a message at one point or another about how we are slaves to sin and can't free ourselves, but if we cry out to God He will hear us, forgive us, and break our chains. That's what God does, that is what He has always done.

The people of Israel had lived in Egypt for a long time. In fact, the ones in this story weren't even the ones who had originaly gone to Egypt. They were born there, they did not seek out slavery, they found themselves in it. The sin that we need to be saved from isn't just the sin that we do, it is the sin that we find ourselves in. If people try hard enough they can stop doing most things, at least for a time. Still, there is something deeper holding us back, and we are bound to it.

When the Israelites called out to God it could be they didn't know who they were calling to. At that point there was no Law, no rituals, no commandments, no religion as we see it. But there was knowledge of something greater than them, something bigger than the gods of the Egyptians. Something their forefathers had known and had experienced. They themselves had not experienced Him, they only had the stories, which seemed, I'm sure, more myth than anything else. And still they took a chance.

It saddens me that as a whole, the Church seems to want to hide God away, to keep Him only for those inseide its walls, for fear of wasting Him on those who haven't experienced, who don't understand. We're afraid to talk about our experiences with God for fear of someone thinking we're crazy, or that it's only legond, stories etc. I feel any knowledge of truth we can get out there is better than none.

And so the exodus begins. People cry out to God, and God answers. Something so simple, so easy, and yet so complex and difficult. From that moment, everything changes.

The Wilderness

Last year around this time I was praying. I was thanking God for all that was happening, for my friends, for my ministry, for my pregnancy, for the opportunity to reach out to the people I worked with.

As I prayed, I started falling asleep, and as I started falling asleep, I heard God.
"I love you my child" He said
"I'm going to lead you through the wilderness"
"No Lord" I responded
"Yes child, I'm going to lead you through the wildreness"
I started crying, repeating no no
"I will be with you and will meet you on the other side"

I woke up with tears streaming down my face, shaking and sobbing. I knew it wasn't a dream, I knew it was real, it was true, and still I refused to believe it. I tried to pass it off as just a dream and forget it had happened, even though I knew it ws real.

As the year went by, it was rough, it was excrutiating. At the same time I was drawn to expand on an idea I had used for a prayer night, paralleling the exodus events withthe Christian walk. I couldn't do it, however, without looking at the wildreness.

In my stubborness, I went through a lot of things alone, and felt more pain than I needed to, I'm sure.

The wilderness is seen as a place of fear, a place of death. I've learned that's not all there is to it. It's also a place of provision, a place of faith, a place to be refined, to grow, and to learn.

I'm through the wilderness now, and am learning the lessons. God did lead me through the wilderness, He was with me then and has met me on the other side. The new me, a different me that I am still getting to know, still growing into.

A lot Learned from Bad Advice

Those of you who (somewhat)regularly read have probably already read about my bad experience trying to nurse Hana. This post might sound a little familiar to you.

I have the privlidge of participating in the Breastfeeding Carnival, the topic being Breastfeeding advice. I was told they wanted the good, the bad and the ugly.

Well here's my attempt at giving nursing advice. It feels like an odd thing for me to do because I'm not nursing. Perhaps its one of those "those who can't, teach" situations. This is my story, and I think it definitely falls into the "ugly" category, but I hope it will be able to help and encourage someone.

When I was pregnant with Hana I was so excited about being a mom and everything that goes with that. I was especially excited about breastfeeding. For me it was something special, I was going to be the first woman in my family to breastfeed. I'm sure my pride over this soon-to-be accomplishment rivaled that of those who were the first in their family to do to university or own their own business. I was nervous, excited, and had my heart set on things starting out right.

As my pregnancy progressed, things weren't going exactly to plan. At 32 weeks Hana was still breech and my OB was concerned about her size compared to my size. There was mention of a c-section but there was still lots of time. I knew a section could possibly have an effect on a nursing relationship, but I knew lots of people got through that hurdle, and we could too. The next bump in the road was being unable to attend my breastfeeding class because I was still working. It was frustrating, but I was assured I'd have access to a lactation consultant and we'd have plenty of time to work on nursing if I happened to be in the hospital recovering from surgery. I was told not to worry about it, to relax because, after all, breastfeeding is natural and it won't be a problem. That's where the bad advice all began.

Hana was born November 3, 9:54 am, butt first. My section went well, no complications, and I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl. The only problem was minor, the spinal had been a bit too effective and I couldn't feel anything from my toes to my collar bones, so I was told to wait about an hour before trying to nurse her that's bad advice #2, just in case you're keeping track).

Over the next four days in the hospital we continued to have issues. We had latch problems, I was bleeding, but the LC assured me we'd get it right if we kept trying. She showed me another position, it still didn't quite work, but she had to run to another appointment. One of the nurses told me I had to supplement because Hana was loosing a lot of weight and getting dehydrated, so we gave her a cup and I pumped. I was told I only needed to pump until she started nursing for more than 20 minutes without pain.One of the doctors came in and assured me that even a drop of my milk was better than any formula, and to keep going. That was the most encouraging thing I heard, and I wish I had remembered that doctor's name so I could have called her back for more encouragement.

The night before I was to be discharged my milk started to come in. I can't tell you how happy I was to see the little white drops in the corners of Hana's mouth, I cried with joy, just knowing things were going to be ok, that we would make it work. That night she nursed for over an hour. Then a nurse came in and told me she had been nursing too long and I needed to supplement. She said that Hana wasn't getting enough and if she nursed any longer she would burn too many calories. At that point all my joy, all my hope, all my confidence in my ability to provide for my daughter melted away. I cried, they offered to take her to the nursery so I could sleep, and they gave her a bottle.

I kept trying to nurse every two hours. In my anxiousness and fear I had a hard time latching her. She would get frustrated, I would get frustrated, we would both end up crying and the blisters were getting worse. After my first night home we were visited by a community nurse. We had decided to supplement Hana that morning because I didn't think she was getting enough (she had nursed for over an hour again). The nurse supported that decision and suggested I keep supplementing and rent a pump to help get my supply up. She also suggested that I stop nursing for a few days to give myself a chance to heal. Just as they were almost healed I was checked for a blood clot and told not to nurse for 48 hours because of the dye used for the CT scan.

That was really the end of our nursing relationship. I didn't know it at the time, but it was. The six days of not even being offered the breast caused nipple confusion. She would scream every time I put her to the breast, no matter how hungry or content she was, no matter what position I tried. The hospital grade pump I had rented wasn't very effective and I could only pump about two ounces per day. The medication that I was on gave me headaches and (I believe) caused depression. I began to resent Hana every time she cried, knowing she was hungry and I couldn't satisfy
her. I felt chained to my pump and wasn't getting any results. The support and encouragement I had received was beginning to turn into concern about my supply and questions about my commitment to nursing. I wasn't offered natural remedies (like fenugreek or blessed thistle), and neither the LC nor any of the nurses I met with (5 over the course of 3 weeks) offered nipple shields or a supplemental nursing system.

It was a painful thing to pack up my pump and stop trying to put Hana to the breast. Within 36 hours I was dry and it was over. At three weeks old she became exclusively formula fed. I slowly stopped crying when I fed her, and she slowly stopped screaming with hunger every hour. We started to bond, I started being able to smile at her. The depression lifted and she started thriving.

Now she's a happy, healthy, wonderful and beautiful 4 month old, and I am an attentive, loving, relaxed mother. It still hurts to think about what was lost, writing it out is both therapeutic and excruciating. At the time, switching to formula was what needed to happen, but had I known better and not been given such bad advice (over and over again), I know we wouldn't have gotten to that point. Now that I know better I know that next time I will be able to nurse, and that will help heal the loss of a nursing relationship this time around.

My advice for new nursing mothers - keep doing it. A nursing relationship is a choice and a right. There is help, there is support, there is a solution to every problem you can face. It is your right to nurse your child, but unfortunately you might have to fight for that right. Talk to people you know who have nursed. Go to La Leche League meetings. Meet with a LC before your baby is born, especially if anyone in your family has had nursing issues in the past. Let everyone around you know that you want to nurse, and tell them that if they aren't going to support it that you'll wait to talk to them until after nursing is going well. Get a baby carrier and keep your baby skin to skin as much as you can. Take baths and relax with your baby. Fall in love with your little miracle and know that you have within you the ability to provide nourishment for body, mind and soul. When someone tries to undermine this ability (be they nurse, doctor, mother, mother in law, sister, friend or even husband), seek a second opinion and protect yourself with people who will support and encourage you. It might not be easy, it might hurt, both of you might cry, it might seem like the most unnatural and awful thing in the world, but you can make it work.Trust me, it will be worth it.

Read the other posts in the carnival:
The Lactivist: Exclusively Pumping: Good Advice is Hard to Find
Motherwear Blog: The Fifth Carnival of Breastfeeding: Good Advice, Bad Advice.
Breastfeeding 1-2-3: How to Get Good Medical Advice on Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding Mums: Good Advice/ Bad Advice
Mama Knows Best: Breast Feeding Advice

Guest entries for the month can be found at the Black Breastfeeding Blog, Mocha Milk, Cairo Mama, The Twinkies, and The Baby Gravy Train

Look Ma! No Hands!

Yes, that is Hana, standing in her cib all by herself

Here's the story

Hana LOVES to stand up. When we pull her hands (to lift her into a sitting position) she turns into a plank of wood and just stands up. She has really good balance and can stand holding our fingers or the side of her crib for about a minute. So she was playing in her room while I put away her laundry, and I thought I'd see if I could get a picture. I got the camera, held it with one hand, got her standing and had my other hand beside her just in case. The idea was to move my hand out of the frame, take the pic, and then move my hand back, just in case. Like I siad, she can stand holding her crib, so I wasn't too worried.

So I got her standing, smiling at me, I move my hand, I take the picture, and then the flash goes off.

I hadn't thought of that.

It scared her.

She moved her hands.

She lost her balance

Remember that going like a plank thing I mentioned? Yup. Fell stright back like a board.

So I reach out for her and get my hand behind her head just as it hits the mattress. She lookes up with me with this "what was that?" look, and then lets out a scream.

I pick her up, she stops crying, I start crying and frantically checking her over. She didn't hit anything but themattress, so she wasn't hurt at all, but it did scare the crap out of her. I felt so awful!

But it did make for a good pic and a funny story!

4 months old

Ok, I'm a little late posting this. Oops?

Hana is 4 months old. She's starting to giggle. She tries so hard and when she manages to get one out it's the most beautiful sound in the world. She also babbles ALL day long (just like her mommy!) and loves to stand up. She hasn't quite gotten the hang of sitting yet (she usually ends up falling forward) but she's trying really hard. She's got so much life and personality. She loves to play and loves to snuggle up to go to sleep. Every night she has some nekkid time which she loves, she lays in her crib and coos and kicks (and pees, 3 times in 15 mins tonight!).

I can't express how much I'm in love with her. It's amazing to think that this person came from me. She's got so much personality, she loves to smile and move around. I can't wait to get to know her - what she thinks and feels. I'm so excited for our families to come visit this summer, she'll be so much fun!

There's some new pics of her at hanapics.cjb.net

Rough Week

- got a phonecall I really didn't want to get

- Still not sleeping

- have to take Hana to get shots next week

- Ben's on night shift

- still not sleeping

When Ministry Hurts

I'e been fighting with myself about posting this for the past few months. Having a public blog that isn't anonymous makes things like this a little tricky - do I allow myself the time to debrief and express how I felt in the situation, understanding that those reading may come away with an inaccurate view of what happened, or do I keep silent because people know people and have ideas about things and it'sbetter just to not bring it up.

So I'm writing this with a disclaimer. These are my feelings and perceptions about what happened. I learned a long time ago that feelings are not always an accurate presentation of reality. At the same time, I need to be able to express and validate how I felt. Also know that I understand circumstances had a lot to do with how I felt, and I always give others the benefit of the doubt. I don't think anyone was intentionally doing thigns to make me feel that way, but more I was a victim of circumstance and miscomunication. Either way, it still hurts.

When I was on my internship I fell in love with the Summit. I fell in love with the people there, I fell in loe with the city, I bought into the vision and goals that the church had set out. When Jess and I talked about me coming back to be on staff I was excited and at peace about it. Ben and I both knew this was where God wanted us and that He would take care of us.

When we moed out here we were both anxious and excited. It was nice to be able to reconnect with people after being away for 5 months and so much changing. I wanted to jump right back into ministry. I was looking forward to support, encouragement and mentouring from those around me.

Unfortunately, as time went on, that's not what happened. Relationships became strained and something didn't feel right. Instead of being encouraged and supported I was feeling alone and isolated. Instead of people helping me to succeed and achiee my goals it felt as though they were waiting for me to make mistakes. No one came along side me to help, instead they stood at a distance watching, and talking. More than once I was told that expectations of others had not been met. The thing was, no one told me what the expectations were, or that they even existed.

I felt hurt, judged, and isolated. I felt as though no matter what I did it wouldn't be up to standards, because no one would tell me what those standards were. I tried to reach out to people, I made it clear that I was struggling and needed help, I asked for help and it was promised but never given. I got burnt out.

I admit most of this happened during my pregnancy when I was hormonal, emotional and super sensitive. I admit that could have affected how I was percieving things, but I'm not alone in how I saw things. Other people could see the strain in a few relationships and could see the undue pressure being put on me by others. I was told I just had to deal with it, that it was who they were, and to keep reaching out to them and once the relationship changed it would be better.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. Every event or project or responsibility I had put a tremendous ammount of stress on me. Added to that was the idea that I was the one who needed to deal with it and fix it. I thought that was just wrong, but there was nothing I could do.

When it came to the point I was loosing sleep and not functioning because of the stress I had to step back. I went on a break to destress and prepare for Hana's birth. It made me happy, it took the pressure off, and in my mind I was able to ignore the rift in relationships and work harder at rebuilding them - it was much easier now that there was nothing left for them to judge as far as my professional responsibilites.

When the church closed it was a blow, but not entierly a suprise. There were problems that I suppose I shouldn't discuss here. It was sad, it was hard, and the timing was horrible. Hana was born two days before the last service. I was still in the hospital and she was no where near ready to be discharged. People were organized to bring us meals the first week we were home an dit was wonderful.

After that, we were all alone. No phonecalls, no visits, no connectuon to anyone. I suppose I'm just as much to blame, I didn't call them as often as they didn't call me, but I was at home all alone with a new baby. And it wasn't everyone, a few did keep in touch and still do, and that's wonderful. But what about the others? Especially the ones who had been there and knew what it was like to be alone with kids? The ones who I had seen gather around others, having dinners, making phone calls, helping with advice and experience.

I think that's what hurt the most - ralizing that the relationships we thought we had were no more than professional. The relationships from the church melted into nothing the same way the relationships from my other job did. Ben and I both experienced isolation and rejection. Again, not from everyone, but enough that it still stings.

So maybe that's why I'm so happy being a stay at home mom. Maybe I'm scared to go back into ministry. Maybe thats why I feel as though the church closing is a personal failure.

Just so you know, I have forgive and moved on. I hold nothing against any of those from the summit. I understand life is busy and things happen. This is just part of the healing process.

Beautiful Moment

I'm part of a playgroup here. It's wonderful, I et out of the house, spend time with other moms and et to see lots of adorable children.

Yesterday while there I saw the most beautiful thing. A mother was nursing her two dauhters at the same time. The younger was 11 months and the older was a little over 2 years. Both were curled up with her, the older in her lap, the younger beside her. The older sister was playin with the younger ones hair. I was struck by how simple and wonderful it was. A beautiful picture of the bond between mother and daughter and between sister.

And it got me thinking

And it made me a little sad.

I won't have that experience. I wonder what Hana will think when I start nursin her future siblings. Will she remember all the struggles we had? Will she wonder why they don't get bottles and she did? What will I do if she wants to try nursing too?

All questions that I can't answer now, things that just have to stay in the "wait and see" pile. So I'll leave them there and just remember what a beautiful thing that was to see.

Did I mention

insomnia sucks?

still can't sleep

grrrrr

Things you can learn from a baby

- When something happens and you're not sure how to react, smile or make a funny face

- taste everything you get your hands on, you never know when you'll find something good.

- it's ok to pout as long as you let people try and make you happy

- nap and enjoy it

- spend as much time as you can exploring

- talk to the people you love, even if the words don't make sense

- if all else fails, kick your feet and flail your arms, you'll at least make someone smile

A message from Hana

More pics at hanapics.cjb.net

Insomnia Sucks

Since my teens I've battled with periotic bouts of insomnia. I remember going a few weeks at a time when I'd sleep from about 4:30-6, am and pm (without the naps I don't think I could have functioned) and that was it. At BBC it was better some years than others, but I generally slept pretty well, only having two or 3 weeks each year where I'd get less than 4 hrs. a night. Since graduation my sleep has been pretty good, but I still get the occasional few nights where I just can't sleep.

For a long time I thought it was stress or other issues that were keeping me from sleep, but over the years there hasn't been any consistant reason for me not sleeping. Like right now, I'm relaxed, I had a wonderful day (I got most of my house clean, spent time with friends, played with my baby and had time with my husband, what could be better than that?), and there's nothing stressful going on in my life. I'm tired, but I laid in bed for 30 mins and didn't fall asleep.

So now I'm up trying to do something useful for a bit and then I'll try again. Thankfully Ben has baby duty tonight and in the morning so I should be able to sleep in.

yawn.....

I'm the wheel.

In a recent conversation with some wonderful women, the question "do you ever feel like a hamster in a wheel" came up. After some thought I realized I don't feel like the hamster, I feel like the wheel.

There have been times that I've been the hamster, that I've been running around in circles trying to get things done. Usually it was because of some poor planning or stubbornness on my part, so basically I was choosing to get on the wheel and in theory I could choose to get off.

Now I feel like I'm going in circles, but they're not mine. My routines are dictated by the routines of others around me - Ben's schedule, Hana's needs, my mother's daily phone calls etc. All of these things have a HUGE impact on how my day goes and I sort of have to work around them. My life goes in cycles, but they're not mine.

It's not that I mind so much. I'm pretty happy with the routines and predictability. And it's not like I have no say in what I do, Hana is consistant enough in her routine (most days, this week, not so much, but I'm pretty sure it's teeth) that I can go out and do what I want pretty much any time. Still, every now and then I feel the wear and tear of going in circles, and there doesn't seem to be any way off.

To keep the mediphore, I suppose I could just come to a dead stop and fling that perverbial hamster to the floor and watch him scramble to try and figure out what's wrong. In fact, there are some days where it feels like that's what's going to happen, regardless of whether I want it to or not. It wouldn't be go, it would leave those around me scrambling and out of sorts, and that's not healthy for anyone.

So for now I'm accapting that I am the wheel, even on the days when I'm not so happy about it. The vast majority of the time I don't mind at all, it even feels like it's what I was "made" to do. And when it does get to me, I suppose I can always just ask the hamster to take a break.

Randomness

I couldn't sleep last night. Here is some of what was in my head:

- if people don't believe in Christ then they are already lost, so why do we care about what they do beyond that, none of that matters for their eternity.

- if doing the right didn't hurt sometimes, if it were always easy, then I think it would be harder to tell that we're doing the right thing.

- a loss of friendship hurts

- love is much to easy of a word to throw around. If we restricted ourselves to only using it when it was true (patient, kind, humble, keeping no record of rongs, not self-seeking etc.) a lot of people would be spared a lot of hurt, and I think we would tryly love more instead of half loving some.

- next april I want to try for another baby (yeah, and I said my first one wouldn't be until Ben and I had been married two years....)

- God still loves me even when my house is a mess and I havn't showered for 2 days

- this is not where I thought my life would be at this point, but i wouldn't have it any other way

Redeemed

Some of you may remember my posts from this time last year (here and here) about how this is a hard time for me. For those of you who won't click the links, I went through 8 years of depression and self injury, the last time I intentionally hurt myself was Feb. 13, 2001, just about 6 years ago. It's bittersweet, every time I come to this time of year I am reminded of all the years that were taken from me, time that was stolen because I was trapped. I was trapped in guilt, in fear, in shame and in all the pain that was both the cause and result of my actions.

I also think of how far I have come. To have been healed of my depression, to have overcome the addiction of self harm, to have learned new ways to cope, to feel the joy of life.

According to many who research self harm, it's causes and effects, I'm still not free. Like alcoholism or a drug addiction, they say that I will always be what I was, a cutter. Accodring to many the addiction and desire wait in me like a cancer, and if my defenses go down I'll be consumed again. In a way I can see thier point. It's only when I'm stressed or exhausted that I even think about it anymore, but it's been a long time, months, since the idea of harming myself has come to mind. I know that if I'm not careful, if I forget, it could come back. That's why I always wanted to remember this time of year, remember what I was, where I was going, and who I have become.

And then God interviened again.

I've been wanting to post this for a while, but made myself wait until close to the aniversary. This is close enough. Something else happened this time of year last year. My daughter was concieved. God took a time of pain, of fear, or mourning, and has redeemed it into a time of joy and celebration.

I know I don't need to be afraid anymore. There is no cancerous addiction at bay within me. I have been redeemed, cleansed and made whole. This is no longer a time of mourning the life that I had, but a time of celebrating the new life that was created.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above, ye heav'ly hosts
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Amen

My Baby girl

Make video montages at onetruemedia.com

Pure Insanity

The Lactivist Breastfeeding Blog: Overzealous Big Pork Stomps on Breastfeeding Blogger

This is insane. For those of you who don't click the link, bascially a work-at-home-mom promotes breastfeeding and sells a few slogan tshirts, one of which says "the other white milk", an obvious parody of the "Pork - the other white meat" slogans. Well, apparently it's too close of a parody and the National Pork Board (who knew that even existed!) is threatening to sue her if she doesn't remove the shirts from the internet and distroy any that havn't already been sold. Their reasoning - the slogan "tarnishes the good reputation of the National Port Board's mark" because she of her "apparent attempt to promote the use of breastmilk beyond merely for infant consumption".

So yeah, crazy!

Just a thought.....

Maybe if people would smile more they'd forget the reasons they don't

Maybe if we actually acknowledged the people we walk by every day no one would feel all alone in the world.

Maybe if every purghess had a 3 day waiting period we'd all be less in debt.

Maybe if we learned to forgive ourselves we'd have an eaiser time forgiving other people.

Maybe if we ate cookies or ice cream more often we'd be happier.

Maybe if we trusted eachother we'd get hurt less often.

Maybe if we let ourselves be loved we'd be able to love others.

Maybe if we turned off the TV we'd find other things we're interested in.

Waking up

I feel almost like I've been asleep for a long time. That foggy place between being fully rested and still exhausted. I am at a point when I realize I need to heal, and at the same time realize that is what I've been doing the last few months.

Last year was hard. I think most of the hard was due to overactive emotions caused by pregnancy. I think without those I would have been able to handle everything else much better. On the flip side, I think without all the other things I would have enjoyed my pregnancy much more.

I'm laughing a lot again. Not that I wasn't laughing before. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't fully me. Like in a dream when you half know something but not really. I can't really explain it, but it's there.

I'm realizing that I need to settle. That I need a home, a routine, some predictability in my life. Too much has happened, too much has changed. Since I graduated high school I havn't lived in any one place for more than a year. We've been in this appartment since Jan. 1 2006 so it's the running winner, but it's still not home. It's not ours. Trust me, if it were ours it wouldn't look like this. I want a home. I want a place I can have a bath, paint the walls, not have to look at orange vynle.

Someday we'll be settled, and we'll rest, and then I'll start to get that itch for something new again I'm sure.

ouch

I broke my toe. My left index toe to be exact. I stubbed it on Hana's swing. Stupid swing. Ok, not so stupid swing, she loves sitting in it and chatting to the horses...or the bars, or whatever it is she sees above her to the left. Now I know why some people think babies see ghosts. Ok, I'm rambling, time for bed.

Don't ask the "Experts"

Disclaimer - I debated whether or not I should blog about this because I don't want anyone to think I'm passing judgement on their parenting style. My problem isn't with how people choose to parent, people do what they sincerely believe is best. My problem is with some of the experts and what they reccomend parents do.


When I was pregnant I spent a lot of my time online looking at parenting websites, reading books and visiting parenting message boards. Like anything I didn't really know a lot about, I wanted to discet it and look at it from every angle. I had never been a parent before, I wanted to do my best, and so I turned to the "experts" to learn what I should do.

A lot of things shocked me. The first was the idea of "spoiling" a child by responding to their cries, picking them up, and nursing/rocking them to sleep. The rationalization of this idea is that if a child is always responded to when they cry, then they will learn to cry to get what they want, and will end up manipulating their parents etc. It's not a good idea to pick a baby up too much because it will cause her to become clingy and will hinder independance. It's a bad idea to rock or nurse a baby to sleep because then they will form a strong sleep association and won't be able to put themselves back to sleep if they wake in the night.

All of the above went against everything I had imagined about being a parent. I had daydreams of keeping my baby close and comforting her when she cried, of holding her in my arms, of rocking her to sleep at night, feeling this warm bundle close to me. To read that I wasn't going to be able to enjoy any of that was very sad.

Now, I admit, I may be taking things much more strictly than the "experts" intend, but after hearing people around me, friends and family, say things like "cry ing is good for her", "you'll regret holding her so much" and "she needs to learn to put herself to sleep" it's obvious to me that my first reactions to the advice of experts is how many others have taken it as well (and keep in mind that I've heard all of this and my daughter is only 11 weeks old).

Now, with my limited understanding of human psycology, the idea of spoiling an infant is just insane. From a completely secular and evolutionist standpoint, humans are at the very least mamals. As mamals, infants have certain instincts and reflexes that are ther to insure their survival. Likewise, mothers are hormonaly wired to respond in certain ways to their infants.
Babies try to communicate with those around them, but, being new to the world, they don't use the same language we do, so we need to learn to speak their language.

Babies do not cry to manipulate their parents. That whole idea is just completely insane. Yes, older children will cry and throw fits to get their own way (especially when this behaviour is proven effective) but babies don't. In the world of an infant there are basic needs - human contact (which is vital for regulating internal systems - heartrate, breathing, digestion, temperature, the internal clock etc.), food, sleep, and comfort. When one of these needs isn't being met, they signal to those around them that there is a problem. A week or so of being with Hana and I could tell what it was she needed, usually with pretty good accuracy (once I got over the idea that every time she needed something she must be hungry). When the babies signals aren't noticed and her needs aren't met, they move on to a stronger signal, crying. Babies cry because something is not right in their world, and, being babies, they do not have the ability to make it right.

I learned with Hana that if I responded to her rooting around, or grimacing, or reaching for me, then she didn't cry. Now, she does cry sometimes because I can't figure out what it is she wants, or it takes longer than she thinks it should (especially when she's tired, but we all get a little more impatient when we're tired), but for the most part she doesn't have a need to cry. I couldn't imagine leaving her in her room at night to "cry it out" - everything in me compels me to go to her when she has a need, and I really don't know how people ignore it. Even when Ben is letting me sleep while he takes care of Hana it's hard for me to stay in bed and not go to her if she cries, knowing that Ben is there to help her.

And with the whole cry it out thing, I do not know of one adult who would rather cry themselves to sleep than to fall asleep in the arms of someone they love. This world is new to babies, of course they need a little help soothing themselves and going to sleep. Crying themselves into a fit of exhaustion may work, but is it really healthy? I know a lot of kids who hate going to bed, who wake up in the middle of the night and go to their parents rooms, who don't want to be left alone in their rooms, and I don't blame them. They learned at the very beginning that when they were alone in their room in the dark, their needs were not met.

I could go on, and I might some other time, because this really hits me hard. I feel like many new parents will go to these experts, be told to go against their instincts, and will end up at a loss for how to relate to and take care of their baby.

I keep Hana with me during the day. Right now she's napping in my lap while I type. She does nap in her crib if I need to shower or something, but if I can sit here and watch her sleep, I take advantage of it. When I do the dishes she sits in her bouncy seat and watches me, I talk to her. When I'm shopping or just doing things around the house, I put her in the wrap and she does everything with me. When she needs some "alone" time she lets me know (looks away, doesn't reach out to me etc.) and I lay her down to play or put her in her swing and she's content.

I'm not afraid of spoiling her, food spoils, babies don't. She has her whole life to learn to be independant, and I will teach and encourage it as she is able ot meet her own needs, but until then I will keep her in a position where I can easily meet them.

Desire

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart


So does this mean that God is where our desires come from? Or does it mean that our desires willbe filled by God?

I think it's both. I think the closer we move to the heart of God, the more our pulse becomes in sync with His, and through time our desires are moulded to reflect His. At the same time, the story of God and man is a love story, with God consistantly wanting to bring us joy and peace and love and delight. All good and perfect gifts come from Him, and He alone fulfills our desires.

WIth God there is so much good, even in the midst of trials and heartache, he is there to be our delight.

Repost

This is something I wrote last November and re-read today when looking for something else. I needed to hear it, it gives me hope.

I believe in holiness.

I believe it is possible to live a day to day life without intentional sin.

I believe that when/if we unintentionally sin and are made aware of it we need to confess and repent.

I believe it is possible to gain victory over habitual sins.

I believe when we sin we are responsible, it is not "because we're human" but because we are choosing to live in disobedience to God.

I believe that when we are forgiven we are clean and righteous in the eyes of God.

I believe God wants to work in each individual life and lead people into a lifestyle of obedience and holiness.

I belive sin interrupts our relationship with God, making it harder for us to be used by Him.

I believe no sin is unforgivable except for denying Christ through whom we gain forgiveness.

I believe that you can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest.

I believe that in true Christian community we are responsible for holding each other accountable, to confessing to one another as needed and upholding each other in prayer and support.

I believe that the world is seeking something true, genuine, life changing and does not accept Christianity because they do not see these key characteristics.

I believe that Christians are not only held accountable for the wrong they do but also the right they do not do.

I believe there is a life free from struggle and characterized with victory.

I believe that as a whole we have sold out and settle for a life that is less than what God intended, for a life free from condemnation but not free from bondage. I beleive that we allow ourselves to indulge in sin because we have accapted the lie that we will never be free. I believe that Christians who allow their brothers and sisters to intentionally sin are supporting disunity in the Body. I believe that pride and arogance are as harmful and damaging as adultery and murder. I believe that a relationship with God should be evident in the day to day and not only in church attendance. I beleive that we have diluted the powerful healing transforming work of God into a message of "try your best and see how it goes". I believe that the reason people don't experience victory over habitual sin is because they are not taught that it is possible. I believe that on our own we will continue to sin, and agree with Paul that it is no longer we who live, but Christ in us, and through Him all things are possible.

I believe that the body has been wounded by false teaching, false expectations and false pride.

I believe that there are those who have experienced freedom and victory, and that their stories should be told and heard.

I beleive that there is healing and hope and peace available to us as we turn our hearts towards Christ.

I beleive there are those seeking a fuller life and finding it.

I beleive that those who are living victorious will be beacons of light for the rest of the body.

I believe the Spirit is moving and calling us to a standard that we cannot attain on our own.

I believe in a closer walk with God, a deeper experience with Him and a more effective life as a result.

I believe holiness is a decision, but cannot be accomplished by our will, is an act of God, and that we have our part, is personal and is corperate.

I believe that coming to God is a process and that each day new areas may be revealed to be surrended, and that through the whole process we can be called holy.

I believe that when the world sees the change that happens in a life as a result of an encounter with God they will be drawn to Him.

Life in a list

- my email is changing, as The Summit closed in November. My new email is perry.stephanie at gmail.

- I'm taking a couple years off from my quest towards ordination, mostly because I'm loving being a mom so much.

- We still don't know what we're doing after this summer. Feel free to offer suggestions.

- I sometimes wish this blog was more anonymous, but at the same time enjoy being part of a community online with people I actually know. Like most things it's a paradox.

- I have a few good posts that I'm working on, but Hana's naps have been a little more irratic lately.

- I really miss people, if anyone wants to come visit they're more than welcome.

- I have conformed and joined facebook.

- I really need to get out of the house

- if my msn is on, say Hi, I'm usually around playing with Hana, but having a conversation with someone who talks back is always nice.

Back to normal....sort of....

We got home on the weekend (home means Calgary in this post, whereas home meant NB in the last one...keep up people ;)) and it's good to be back. It was so wonderful being with family, but nice to have our own space as well.

I can't get over how well Hana handled the travel. She was more fussy those two weeks than normal, but she was completely off her routine, she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing all day, and that's hard on a little one. When we got home she was still a bit fussy, and chewing on things, and a bit drooly...yeah, you know where I'm going with this...my 9 week old daughter started TEETHING!

I can't get her to open her mouth long enough to get a picture, but Hana has a little white tooth part sticking up out of her lower gum. It's only the size of the head of a pin, but it's white and hard and rather tooth like, and the gum around it is rather bumpy (she likes when I rub her gums, I've become rather familiar with them), and I can't believe it! It could take another month before it completely comes up (oh joy), but really it doesn't seem to bother her too much. It's harder for her to get to sleep, and she can't quite get the hang of chewing on things because of the tongue thrust reflex, but so long as I can rub her gums and put her in the wrap for her naps she's not doing too bad.

She's also started sleeping extremely well. She finishes about 6 oz at around 10 pm, and then sleeps through til 5, then goes back to sleep til about 9. I am so thrilled! I really do have the best baby in the world!

In other news, life is pretty good. Ben and I think we've found a church here that we can be part of, work is going well for him, and life at home is good for me.

Oh, and I'll let Tyler and Denise post the details of Caylee's birth, mostly because I don't want to take that away from them, but also because I'm fuzzy on the details (I was too excited when Tyler called to really pay much attention).

Being Home

This has been a wonderful trip so far. It's so nice being with friends and family. I hadn't really realized how isolated Ben and I are in Calgary now, especially me since I don't work anymore. Being home, it's like we never left, and that's wonderful and comforting.

We still haven't made a decision on where we'll be after July, so don't get too excited.

In other news, I'd like to welcome Caylee Mae to the world! She was born Friday, Dec. 29th, 5 weeks(ish) early and a healthy 6lbs 10 oz. Congrats to Tyler and Denise!

Shameless Plugs

First off, Ben and I will be in NB from Dec. 23 to Jan 7, the first week we'll bein Saint John and the second in Woodstock - if you'll be around we'd love to see you! Leave a message here or email me and we'll work something out.

Second, Hana is being dedicated at River Valley Wesleyan Church on Sunday, Dec. 24. The service is at 10:45 am, and again, we'd love to see you if you can make it.

Third, two posts ago I gave a theory, and asked for opinions...and nothing...what's with that? I'd like some feedback, maybe hear some other theories...I know people read this...ok, maybe asking for comments isn't following blog ettewuitte, but still...

6 weeks is up

my house is clean. Praise God

My theory on everything

Ok, well, maybe not everything....but this is my way of understanding the whole God knows what will happen and we still have free will issue. I came up with this mostly as a teen and trying to understand things that were going on. At Bethany I kind of kept it to myself, but what I learned didn't make it seem completely hiretical, so I've kept it tucked away. It's probably not so much of a theory as an attemt to understand things far beyond my comprehension.

As we go through life, making decisions, it's as if we're walking down a road. In front of us we can see cross streets and twists and upcoming turns, all representing various experiences, opportunities and choices we will face. The decisions we make determine which road we go down, and, while we can see a certain distance ahead, the road is not stright and our ability to see where our choices will lead us is limited.

In turn, God has the map. He sees all the streets, all the possibilits, all the different ways to make it to the same destination. He has a route marked out for us, one that will be most beneficial (tho not necisarily (or likely) the easiest - hardships teach us to persevere, and we need all that comes with that). He also sees the other roads, the ones He wants to steer us away from, and how they always seem to intersect at crutial points with His plan.

God can see all the outcomes of all our possible decisions, and how they intersect with all the outcomes of everyone elses decisions. His plan is worked through leading us in a way to get us "in the right place at the right time" so to speak - leading us down one road so that we have an opportunity to intersect with another road that we may have missed earlier.

I see this lived out in people's lives. I've also experienced it myself. At a crutial point I'll make a decison that leads me away from God's plan for me (and will in some way usually be aware of this) - I deal with the consequences, I repent, and then later, as a result of different experinces and decisions, I'll be faced with the same opportunity once again. Just like making a wrong turn and then looping back around, cathing the street at a different block.

Again, not sure how accurate this is, but it works for me, and I was wondering if anyone had any insight on this? Let me know...

In General

Things are going great! We took Hana to Ben's work Christmas Party on Saturday and she had a blast! I had her dancing with me and she loved it, and we never heard a peep out of her the whole evening...and then she slept through the night! It was absolutely wonderful!

We're so excited to be back in NB for Christmas! Still need to get christmas shopping finished, but there's not much left, so it shouldn't take too long.

I've found a new obsession - Babywearing! I've found so many more ways to use my CuddlyWrap and it's easier on her and me (she was starting to not like her head squished the way I was doing it before, so I looked for other ways to wrap her). I even experimented putting her on my back, and with Ben's help it was easy, with a little ore practice, and as she gets bigger, I'll be able to do it myself. I also bought another wrap, one that's not streachy, so it'll be easier to keep tight as she gets heavier. There's so many different kinds of carriers and so many ways to carry, and with all of them Hana is close to me like she wants to be, and yet I still have my hands free to do what I need to get done. When I'm not wearing her she's hapy to be in her swing or her crib, because she's getting all the cuddle time she needs. Happy baby and happy mom!

Unreal

I've got Hana in her wrap right now. She's been having a rough day....or I've been having a rough day rather. She's been having a needy day. She doesn't want to sleep in her crib, she's generally fussy, and she's been eating more often than usual - basically just growing and needing extra comfort, so no big deal really.

I think of how much she needs. Without someone helping her, she couldn't survive. Today she can't even sleep comfortably without help from someone else. She needs to be changed, fed, held, everything.

It's hard to picture Jesus in this position. I can imagine Mary being confused and maybe even frustrated as Jesus would cry non-stop for seemingly no reason. I wonder if she ever felt guilty for wanting just a few minutes of peace, and then realizing that the child she was so frustrated at was the one who would bring peace to the earth.

Intellectual Dishonesty

Since I started going online regularly as a teen I've been part of various message board communities. I really enjoy message boards because it's a great way to communicate, share ideas and learn.

Unfortunately, some people aren't as open to sharing ideas and learning as others, and this tends to frustrate me. In the spirit of being "nice" and "accepting" people can sometimes tend to go soft, and want everyone around them to be soft as well. Instead of sharing opinions, they would rather just skirt issues and pretend that everything is right for everyone. They call this being open minded. I call it intelectual dishonesty.

Let's be truthful here, if someone feels strongly that their oppinion about something is right, then they (by default) feel just as strongly that a differing oppinion is wrong. They may be able to fit it into a "right for you, wrong for me" sort of category, but even still, not every issue will fit like that.

I honestly believe it's possible for two (or more) people to have a conversation about something, disagree completely, share their reasons why, and all go away happy and having learned something - either expanding their point of view, having a greater understanding for other points of view, or realizing that they didn't know as much about the subject as they thought (or possibly all of the above).

There are a few dear people in my life that I am usually in disagreement with about certain issues, and I treasure the conversations that we have. They thibnk I'm wrong, I think they're wrong, but we undersand that it's possible neither of us really know what we're talking about, so it's ok. In these conversations I've learned humility, I've learned how to express myself, and I've learned that I can be wrong, very very wrong. I've learned that having to defend my ideas strengthens my belief in them, and that the best way to help someone to understand my position is to do all I can to understand theirs.

So back to the intelectual dishonesty - it frustrates me when I'm accused of "trampling" another person because I refuse to just say "oh, that's nice" when something I believe strongly in is being discussed. I share my point of view, expecting (hoping?) and appriciating when the other person expresses theirs. We may not agree, but we can both go away having learned something.

My stance in a discussion is this - if you've already made up your mind, then my oppinion shouldn't threaten you, so why not listen and perhaps learn something. If you have not made up your mind, then shouldn't you want as much information from as many sides of the issue as possible?

I try not to be arrogant, I'm always open to the possibility that I am the one who is wrong, but expect me to give and defend my position until you show me where (and how) I am wrong.

Sigh.

Maybe I should take a break from message boards for a while....or find people I truly can discuss (and possibly disagree) with.

already a month old...

Wow a month goes fast. I can't believe that she's a month old already, she's still so small. She has grown a lot tho - the preemie clothes we had to buy for her are getting on the smaller side, but still fit. Her regular clothes mostly fit now too (the pants don't go up to her armpits anymore).

She's so much more awake and aware now, and she's starting to coo and smile. She's the most precious little baby, I'm daily amazed by how much I love her. I didn't think it would be possible to love another being this much.

I'm doing well too, I have no pain at all from my incision, but I'm still not considered healed for another two weeks. It's a little frustrating because it limits what I can lift and my cleaning. Most frustrating is that the stroller is out of my lifting ability, so even in nice days Hana and I usually stay in if I don't have the car.

I love being a mom, this is thebest feeling in the world.

Ps - lots of pictures in her album - hanapics.cjb.net

God provides again

I don't know why things like this always suprise me. I know that God *can* do all these amazing things to take care of us and help us, but it always just leaves me in awe when he does them.

One of my biggest worries with going with formula was that it's expensive. Thankfully Hana has no problem with cheep powdered formula, but ther was the possibility we'd have to go with more expensive stuff (I needed soy formula when I was an infant). Even with the cheep stuff the price still adds up - it's not too bad right now where she's only taking about 18-20 oz a day, but she's going to get bigger, and it all adds up.

And then yesterday Ben was informed that he's getting a $2 and hour raise. It's wonderful and puts me in awe of my God, my provider.

Thoughts on Christmas

I love Christmas, it's my favorite time of year. When I was little it was always so special, we'd have a hosue full of people, everyone getting along, having fun together. Some of my favorite memories are from Christmases.

I started listening to Christmas music in September, and I'm still not sick of it. I love Christmas.

I was thinking the other day about the christmas star. Some people wonder why God waited for when He did to send Jesus, as if it were a spur of the moment decision that the time was right. But science tells us that it takes time for light from a star to reach earth, sometimes a lot of time, depending on how far away the star is. For the christmas star to have shone announcing the birth of Christ it would have had to have started years earlier, maybe a lot of years earlier.

God's plan wasn't spur of the moment, He didn't just all of a sudden decide that the time was right, it was planned, and that plan had been put into motion years earlier when the star started shining. God knew when the time would be right and set things in place so that His plan, and our reconciliation to Him, could come at just the right time in history. His plan amazes me.

Life is good

It's been two days and I have no regrets, things have been great. My baby girl is happy and content, and growing (she's already more than 2 inches bigger than at birth!) and I'm relaxed, happy and enjoying her.

In other news, well, there really isn't any other news. we thought the car was broken because it wouldn't start, but really it was just in drive (oops?). Ben turned 25 on Sunday, and tomarrow night we're going out to a movie and Hana will have a babysitter for the first time.

A question for moms - Hana loves sleeping on her belly and wakes up when she sleeps on her back, then has trouble getting back to sleep. The problem is she can only sleep on her belly when she's with us (sleeping on my lap etc.) and so when she naps I usually end up holding her. Any ideas on how to get her more comfortable on her back so she'll get used to sleeping in her crib? Thanks!

So that's it for now. Life is good, it's snowy, and I'll be back in NB in 4 weeks (YAY!).

Why nursing didn't work for me....

...(and how it doesn't mean I'm a bad mother)

This is mostly just a reminder for myself, and a bit of encouragement when I need it.

When I was pregnant I was so excited about nursing, but I was also nervous. My mom wasn't able to breastfeed, her milk didn't come in. The more research I did the more hopeful I got, there were medications that would induce lactation. I figured I would be ok.

In the hospital the first time I latched her on it hurt so much I almost screamed, but she was nursing, and I didn't care how much it hurt. For the next two days she kept having latch on issues, even after all my nurses and a lactation consultant had tried to help. I didn't care, I kept nursing, even tho my nipples were so cracked and blistered and bleeding. I wanted to nurse my daughter, breast is best.

She was loosing weight, she was dehydrated, she wouldn't settle, she wasn't a happy baby, so the nurses pushed for formula. I cried, I felt like a failure, but I agreed, my baby needed to eat. I started pumping and trying to hand express, my mipples kept bleeding, but started to get better. I kept trying to nurse her, it kept hurting, she wasn't getting much.

When we got home from the hospital she would cry and cry and never seemed satisfied after she nursed. We rented a pump, the nurse suggested I just pump until my mipples healed. I would take almost 2 hours with each feeding to feed her my milk, then formula, and then pump. She ate ever 3 hours, giving me very little time to rest, or even eat. When Ben was home he'd feed her while I pumped. I started hating feeding her, it was heart breaking.

My supply wasn't going up on its own. I started taking Motilium. It gave me headaches, really bad headaches, but I stayed on it, I had to nurse my baby. She wouldn't nurse tho, she'd scream every time we tried. I saw another lactation consultant. She reassured me, but didn't fix the problem.

I went and bought a nipple shield. Finally, she nursed! I was so happy....but then she was still hungry and needed a bottle afterword. The motilium started to kick in, I could get a little more. She fell asleep while nursing every time, it took over an hour to feed her, then she'd wake up about a half hour later. She took the bottle and it broke my heart. At this point I was crying every day over this. Everything else was wonderful, I just couldn't feed my baby. She was so gassy she couldn't sleep, she ended up in bed with us because it was easier to comfort her.

The nurse called again to see how things were going. She was glad to hear my supply had gone up, but Hana wasn't really satisfied. For the last few days she wouldn't be awake for more than half an hour without screaming, and she'd wake every 2 hours to eat. I tried just nursing her, but she wasn't getting enough - the nurse told me how to tell with the shield.

And so I tried everything. And it didn't work. And I cried and felt like a failure. My baby needs to eat, she needs to eat enough so she can sleep comfortably, and I need to feel good while I'm feeding her and not be worried about if she's starving or not.

I decided I'm going to formula feed. It's been almost three weeks, nursing isn't working. I threw out my pills, the shields, packed up the pump. I'm done.

Part of me is excited that I don't have to stress about it any more. Part of me feels really guilty for giving up, and even more guilty for being excited. I'm hoping the guilt will go away soon - writing this all out has helped.

Formula won't kill her. She'll be just as smart, just as healthy and just as beautiful, plus her mother will be much happier. I'm in the 2-5% of women who can't breastfeed. I just have to deal with that.

YAY for POOP

that's a phrase i've been saying lately that I never thought I'd say...but hey, when babies poop it's a good thing....yeah

Otherwise things are going good. I was having issues with nursing, meaning pretty much every issue you can have nursing I've experienced. We're still trying tho, and it's getting better.

And she's awake, so more later....later meaning eventually....

Hospital Ban

In the last two weeks I've been to the hospital 3 times. That's more than I like to go to the hospital in 3 years. I hate hospitals (just in case I didn't mention that before)

Hospital Trip #1: (Friday)
Reason : C-section
Duration : 4 days
Outcome: I had my baby, so it wasn't all bad. Sure, I got no sleep and the nurses weren't all that helpful, but still, in all, not a bad experience.

Hospital Trip #2 (Tuesday)
Reason: Hana spit up blood
Duration: 4 hours
Outcome: She was fine - the blood was mine (nursing issues, it hurt a lot) and so no reason to worry. It gave me a great appriciation for my mother who took me to the hospital many times when I was small. We also got to see the new Alberta Children's Hospital, nice place.

Hospital trip #3 (Sunday)
Reason: I had chest pains and the nurses made me paranoid of blood clots
Duration: 10 hours
Outcome: I was fine, after a CT scan they discovered I had no problems, was completely healthy, no idea what the pain was (I think I pulled a muscle). I endured blood work, 3 IV atempts and have a HUGE bruise on my arm, plus was radio active from the dye for the CT and couldn't nurse for 48 hours. BUt I was fine, I really should stop complaining.

So now no one in my family is allowed to get sick for at least the next year. In a perfect world I'd never have to go into a hospital again at all, but I know that's not so likely. Actually, right now I'd be happy with making it a week without a trip to the ER.

Another one

Isn't she cute?

Baby Album

I've started a photobucket album for Hana and will try and post new pics every couple of days. The link is Here

And in other news....

First an update on Hana - she's precious. And she had a bunch of gunk in her belly. The public health nurse came today and was talking to me. I told her we'd been having trouble with Hana because she always got really gassy and couldn't lay on her back for more than about 20 mins without waking, wich made nights really hard. The nurses at the hospital had said it was normal and told me to hold her on her belly, and that seemed to help. We were also having trouble with feeding her - she would stop sucking but still be hungry, and she had lost almost 10% of her weight. Well, all of those problems are fixed now (or at least so far they seem to be) because she vomited up a bunch of gunk. The PHN said it was normal in babies who had swallowed gunk in utero, and asked if she had been suctioned. She had, but apparently they missed a lot. It was kinda freaky seeing it come out, I was glad the nurse was there. Since then she's been so settled, has been eating great, and seems to be doing much better. I'm a little frustrated they didn't notice the problem at the hospital, but I'm just so happy to have a healthy baby and not to have to worry about her weight any more.

Now the other news. As of yesterday, the summit church where I had been working has closed. For those of you who don't know it was a plant in Calgary that started about 4 years ago. There are a lot of reasons why it closed, most having to do with a combination of cultral things. It's very sad, but good - with all the leaders/staff being bi-vocational things were getting hard on everyone.

We're not really sure what will happen next - to get my ordination I'll need to find another church, but I had been planning on not getting ordained for at least another year anyway (church maternity leave). We have our lease until July and we like it here, so there's no rush. We're going to find a church we can be part of and just take it as it comes.

She has arrived!

Ok, so you probably already knew that she was born, but now you get to hear all about it (well, not all about it...but if you want the whole story let me know).

We got to the hospital a little before 6 on Friday morning, got admitted and went upstairs to the labour and delivery ward. They got me hooked up to a moniter and started my IV (I didn't even cry). then we waited. And waited more. I spoke with the surgen and the anestatist. Then waited. Then found out they had changed my surgery back an hour - it was to be at 9 instead of 10.

Finally, we were told it was time. This was when I started to get nervous. I walked to the OR and sat down on the bed so they could put in the spinal. Ben wasn't allowed in the room, and I almost started to cry, but it wasn't so bad. It started working pretty quick, it was a really odd feeling, numb but tingly. Ben came and and got situated, at 9:45 they put up the screen so I couldn't see what they were doing (which was really nice). at 9:54 I heard the most beautiful sound - my daughter screaming. I balled. It was just so wonderful to hear her and know she was healthy. at 10:15 they had me all stiched up and moving to a recovery room.

She weighed in at 6lbs 14 oz, 19 3/4 in. She's beautiful!

By Friday evening I was up walking a bit, Tuesday morning I was off the IV and everything and walked around a bit more. The pain isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be - even without having morphine in my spinal I still only needed extra strength tylonol.

I could have been dischared on Sunday but the nurses were nervous about how much weight she had lost, so they kept me an extra night just in case. She's doing great now!

There are pics on my photo blog, there will be more added regularly, and there's some other news I have to share, but that will be tomarrow.

Changes

I'm having a baby tomarrow.

Some people consider this cheeting - usually when womeen have babies they don't know the exact date it will happen. I even know the time - 8 am mountain time. I also know that it will be a girl, her name is Hana Rae. I really can't wait to meet her.

there are a few people I know who think I'm just not going to be suprised at all when she's born, that I've taken away all the mystery and wonder of having a child.

they're very wrong.

I've had this life, this little person living within me for the past 9 months, growing, moving around, being part of my life. she's already got a personality, a temperment, talents. God has already mapped out who she can be and where her life could go. how can that not cause me to be in absolute wonder over this whole thing?

The oddest part of this is the peace I have about having a section. This is odd because I don't like Doctors, I don't like hospitals, and I have a huge problem with needles, blood, and the like. This problem gets to the point that when I had to go in for a tetnus shot I almost passed out because my blood pressure went so high and I cried when they gave me the shot.

But having a needle in my spine and my stomache cut open doesn't bother me in the least. I can't wait to hear my little girl's first cry, to see her. I'm excited that Ben gets to hold her first, because I've been the one carrying her all this time. I can't wait to kiss her and hold her and nurse her.

I'll be in the hospital probably until Monday, but I'll see if I can get Ben to update between now and then. Please be praying for a quick and easy recovery for me.

Coppied from Matthew Rose

I went, i saw, I copied.

Thoughs on Truth

I really enjoyed the message at church yesterday. Actually, I had been looking forward to it for quite a while. We've been working through a series based on Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis, so I knew what was coming.

I don't have the "average" background of a pastor. My family stopped going to church for various reasons when I was about 4, I would go with a friend of mine through my childhood and teen years, but Christianity was definately not the main influence on my world view. Through my life I've been exposed to many different views, religious, political and scientific. Because of my cuirious nature, I would take in all these views, discect them, and take what I could from them.

For a time when I was a teen I studied religions, from Celtic druidism (paganism) to Islam, to cults (mormonism and the watchtower society mostly), a bit of hinduism etc. I was interested in why people followed these religions, just as much as i was curious why people would have no belief in God at all.

Through all these experiences and studying, I couldn't deny that there was truth in these other belief systems, that there was truth in scientific theories, and there was truth in the lives of people who had no concept of diety at all.

Of course, I mostly kept all this to myself - I had noticed that many christians feel that we have a monopoly on truth. I mean, after all, Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life - so truth can't possibly exist outside of Christianity.....

However, the Bible disagrees. It says the whole earth is full of the glory of God, that creation proclaims the glory of God, that He is everywhere and there is no where we can go and notbe in His presence. Paul quoted secular (pagan) prophets and writers of his time when trying to bring people to the true God.

Think of it this way...ancient cultures would worship the sun, bcause they knew that the sun was what made their crops grow and would make them prosperous. That is true (trust me, I did a science project on photosynthasis when I was a kid...no light = no plants). Their was truth in their religion, the only problem was that they didn't go far enough.

I think this happens a lot. I genuinly believe that if people seek out truth, seek out all of God, that they will find Him, that's what Jesus said, right? So people set out in a search for truth in whatever form they choose (religous, scientific, philosophical) and find some. There is truth in any religon out there. In fact, I can remember agreeing with some of the articles of satanism at one point (not sure what ones and not gonna look it up right now). What happens is that smewhere along the path serching for truth people find religion (be it islam, hinduism or christianity) and then stop looking. Just like those who used to worship the sun, they don't look far enough.

I had a friend who was JW. My heart ached for her (still does, she broke off contact, I think I may have gotten her in trouble), she wanted to know truth. Every conversation I had with her I worked to find common ground in what we believed. I didn't cut down her beliefs, I didn't tell her she was wrong, but helped her to understand where she was right. truth has an amazing ability to reveal lies in its own way, we don't need to do that.

And it's not like Christianity is all truth either. The early church had to learn that it was not true that followers of Christ had to first become Jews. It is not true that God loves a stright, sexually pure individual more than a promicuous homosexual one. It is not true that smoking/drinking/whatever makes you useless as a folower of Christ, and yet this is what (at times) people have been either pressured to feel or outright told.

God is so much bigger than us. So much bigger than any concept of Him that we might come up with. he can not be contained in a building, in a denomination, even in all the doctrines and beliefs that make up christianity. We need to continually be seeking Him, be seeking truth, to continually draw closer to Him as he reveals himself to us.

And we need to be open to the truth that we see around us instead of being scared of it and writing it off as wrong or evil. We need to encourage people with whatever ammount of truth they have, and pray that their hunger and thirst for truth will continue to lead them to God. We need to find common ground between beliefs, discussing what we share and then finding reasons for where we differ, instead of debating over things that we're not really sure of anyway.

That's my rant for today. No baby yet. I'll keep you posted.

Benefits Recieved

No, no baby yet...I've just been a slogger for the past couple of weeks. She'll be here next Friday (I go in to the hospital at 6 am). In the meantime, I'm sleeping and getting all the laundry done (how is it she has so much laundry and isn't even born yet?).

I have exciting news. One of the perks (the only perk?) of being bi-vocational for the past year is that I was eligable for maternity leave. This is a big deal for me. Ben and I are doing well enough financially (as in not having to live paycheck to paycheck) because he gets paid really well and our rent is super cheep. However, I have a line of credit from school that I'm slowly chipping away at, and we like having a bit of savings. Add on a newish car and a baby, and things were going to be a bit tight with me not working. In fact, us getting the car was a real step in faith for me, because I wasn't sure how much I was going to get for mat leave.

Basically, I needed to be recieving about 400 a month for my loan and to put a bit in savings for the baby, plus help with the price of diapers so that ben's paycheck wasn't streched too far. I didn't know if I'd get that much because most of what I worked was part time (under 40 hours).

Well, I checked today, and God has been good to us. I'll be getting just over 600 a month! The unfortunate thing is that it is only for 24 weeks instead of the full 53, but I can live with that, either going back to work part time when Ben's home, or seeing how far we can make things strech. I really want to be a stay at home mom as much as possible, and with my work at the curch (which will be starting again in January) I never planned on working full time anyway. We'll wait and see what happens.

I'm so excited about this, one more way that God is taking car of us and affirming that He wants us here doing what we're doing. Calgary is a VERY expensive place to live, but so far we've been taken care of. God is amazing.

Our New Car!

1997 Saturn, 4 door, white, no rust...so much better than the 1987 2 door pink Honda Civic that's falling apart we were driving 

It has a fin....oooohhhhh 

The interior is like new! 

And the date is....

November 3rd!

I still don't know what time, but I am scheduled for a c-section on Friday, Nov. 3....unless of course she decides to make her entrance a little earlier (not that I would mind that all that much).

Happy Day

This has been a wonderful day. I had a fairly good sleep for most of the night, woke up feeling awake, and there was snow on the trees. It's just beautiful out, light snow, not too cold. I feel very cozy inside, got some cleaning done and had a visit from a friend i rarely see.
I also got our new(ish) car insured, and we'll be getting it registered tonight and picking it up tomarrow.

this is a good day

Baby Update

I had a long day at the Dr.s yesterday.

First, we had our ultrasound. An ultrasound at this stage isn't nearly as exciting as the earlier ones - you can only see one part at a time, so we didn't get any pictures.

While we were waiting for the tech to be ready we amused ourselves by watching my belly wiggle and move on it's own. Hana was getting all comfyfor her nap. Apparently the scan was scheduled at a very inconvenient time for her. She takes after her parents - when she wants to sleep nothing can stop her. During the scan the tech needed to be able to see 3 movements in order to give her the ok. She jiggled my belly and poked at me and got me to change position and everything, but Hana didn't mind, she just kept right on sleeping.

What the tech did figure out was that she is still breech. Somehow she managed to get her feet up from under her and into the picke position, which is why I've been feeling more movement in the middle of my belly, but she didn't flip. She tricked us. The tech also said she's about 5.8 lbs right now - nice healthy size, not too big.

So after the scan I had to go for a non stress test to make sure that she was still active and such. It didn't bother me too much, I knew she'd be waking up soon (it was getting close to my usual nap time which is when the baby usually wakes up....). Ben was a little concerned at first because she wasn't moving when the tech tried to wake her, but we saw the heartbeat so we knew everything was fine. Apparently I've just woken her up enough times that she's learned to ignore it :P

During the non stress test I got to relax in a big laxy boy chair. Not too bad at all if you ask me. Ben and I sat and chatted and I pushed a button every time I felt the baby move, they also had me hooked up to a machine the measured her heart rate and any contractions I might have had (none during the test). After about 10 mintues she woke up and was moving around a lot.

While we were doing the test a Dr. came in and told us the options we had because Hana's breech. She basically said that having an ECV has about a 50% success rate, can be very uncomfortable, and can put the baby in distress which calls for an immediate emergency section. She said if we chose that it would have to be done very soon. I had already reseached it and came to the conclusion that the stress wasn't worth the risk, and hearing her explination confirmed it for me. We decided to not try the ECV and just got with a scheduled section.

Not that I'm a big fan of having a section, I'd just rather have a planned one than an emergency one.

So then we had my appointment with my OB. It was lots of fun, I had my GBS swabs done....yay....
It was a Dr. I hadn't seen before, and she was very nice, but not very gentle lol. We talked about my decision to have a section. She said the baby probably could be turned with no problem, but Ben and I both don't want to risk it.

So, they're going to schedule me for a section somewhere around Nov. 4 (they do it a week before the EDD, but I think they have my date off by a week, so Nov. 4 is my real EDD anyway...). I told the Dr. babies in my family tend to come early so she gave me a copy of my history, just in case. She also said I was measuring at 39 weeks, so I'll be suprised if I make it to November.

So, Hana Rae Perry will be entering the world no later than Nov. 4. In the meantime she could still turn - they'll be checking every week and will check before my section just in case. I have to be very observant of contractions etc. because they don't want me going into labour - if I do they have to stop it or do an emergency section.

I'm still processing the whole thing. Even tho I knew a section was always a possibility (either because of position or size) I was still hoping for a vaginal birth. On the other hand, I don't have to worry about tearing or going over due anymore ;). I don't like the idea of surgery but it is nice to know that I could still deliver vaginally for my next one.

So in a nutshell, I learned my baby is sneeky and likes to sleep, and she'll be born by the 4th, not such a bad day at all :) .

Picture List

I'm putting together a list of family and friends to email pictures to when Hana is born. If you'd like to be on the list, email me @ sperry at thesummit dot ca

Of course, you can always wait an extra day or two until I get them up on my blog

And the belly continues to grow! is it a bad thing when maternity clothes don't fit anymore? 

Can't really tell from the front...except that this shirt used to be loose... 

Random thoughts

- Everyone should be able to nap every day, it's a wonderful thing.

- I read a book yesterday, picked it up and didn't put it down until it was finished.

- I've walked almost every day for the past week or so.

- I saw a kid riding down the street on a unicycle, it made me giggle.

- My house is cleaner than it's been for months.

- I had a baby shower on the weekend and it was wonderful, I feel much loved.

- I've been craving junk food like I've never craved it before.

- Ben and I are looking for a new car.

- This is pretty much as good as I can get my brain to work lately.