Guilty

I have issues.

Ok, so that much goes without saying. More specifically, I have guilt issues. THey come from a few different sources, here's some of the major ones:

- Close relationships with passive-agressive/manipulative people. THese people have the unique ability to bend reality to suit their needs, making others responsible for their feelings, actions, disappointments etc. It's hard enough bearing the weight of one's own live, let alone that of others.

- Work situations that caused me to bear the consequences of the decisions of others. This is why I'm always nice to people who work at call centers. It's not their fault; they're just doing their job.

- The inability to meet unspoken expectations. I will do all I can do to meet a reasonable expectation, but if all I feel is the negativity from not meeting some obscure hidden standard, I'm left feeling defeated.

So I have this issues, and I'm aware of it, but that doesn't make it go away. For example, a few weeks back I told Tyler and Denise I'd help chaperone a trip to the zoo for their summer program. THe day before the trip the breaks started acting up in the car and I didn't feel save having Hana in it (and Ben didn't like having me in it...). Unfortunately, because of circumstances beyond my control, me not going would me the trip couldn't happen. THankfully something worked out, but I still felt guilty all day for causing the complication.

I'm realizing my guilt issues affect my life. If Hana can't sleep I feel it's because I'm a bad mother. THe rational part of me knows it's because she's overtired/going through a pahse/whatever.

It doesn't matter, I still feel responsible, and I still feel guilty.

I have sleep issues. Sometimes they interrupt the daily flow of our family because I need to nap. Usually, instead of sleeping, I toss and turn because I feel guilty for needing the sleep.

I let myself get into situations that I know are unhealthy for me because protecting myself would put someone else out.

I'm pretty much always feeling guilty.

I really don't know what to do. I feel so responsible for the happiness/fulfillment/dreams/expectations of those around me that at times I just feel helpless. And then I feel like it's all my fault and feel guilty for having any frustration, let alone expressing it.

So here's my idea. I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just setting some ground rules to try and make things a little easier.

- If lack of sleep is preventing me from being effective in what I am trying to do and the opportunity to sleep arises, I will take it.

- If my family does not regularly enjoy a specific food or drink it should not be expected that we regularly have it available, no matter how much our guests may enjoy it, so long as we have a suitable substitute.

- being a good wife and mother means regularly taking time for myself and my passions. I will fell free to do so as long as my immediate responsibilities to my husband and child are taken care of.

- I have a right to my opinions and am entitled to express them respectfully.

- I am not responsible for the happiness of others so long as I am treating them with dignity and respect.

- I can not be held accountable for the decisions, attitudes or actions of those around me.

- The house needs to be cleaned once a week; it doesn't even all have to be on the same day. When other things are more important, housework will wait.

Now maybe if I can remember those things I'll be able to ease up on myself a bit.

Fun and Games

Hana and I have a new game.

I lay her down on the floor at one end of the room, then go to my computer at the other end and see how much I can get done before she rolls over and pulls on the coards.

It's fun, and she's getting quick!

Confessions of a reluctant co-sleeper

When I was pregnant with Hana I had so many ideas and thoughts about how I would parent. Within about a month they pretty much all went out the window.

The hardest one for me to get over was my disinterest in co-sleeping. Ok, disinterest is too mild of a word. I hated the idea. Ben and I had decided that Hana would be in our room for the first month or two in a pack-n-play bassinet, and then she would sleep in her own bed. That lasted about half a night.

When I was struggling with nursing, I would bring Hana in bed with me because side-lying was pretty much the only osition that worked for us. However the fear of rolling on her and the attitude that I would never be able to get her out of our bed made that short lived, and back to the pack-n-play she went once I stopped nursing.

That was when I realized she was a very noisy sleeper, and we all decided (as in I decided) that we'd sleep better if she was in her crib. I'd rock her and settle her and then I was free for the night.

Or at least free until the early morning hours when she thought it was morning and I still wanted more sleep.

And so the routine began. I lay down with Hana to help her go to sleep, then move her into her bed, and then sometime between midnight and 7 am she comes back in with us.

My reasons are selfish though. It's easier to pop her soother in her mouth when it's inches away from me instead of accross the hall. And she sleeps longer in our bed, which means I sleep longer, and that's always a good thing.

But we still don't co-sleep all the time. Not because of the insane idea she'll be sleeping with us until she's a teen. I mean come on people, if sleep associations from infancy were that far ingraned then most of us would still be in cribs wailing before we fell asleep. No, it's because I can't get over my need for my own space. I can't let go of the idea that it's my only baby free time (even if it does only come in two hour incriments).

 x  n n nm mn n n ç gb vbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb xc zx n hn xcv  ˜¨hjjx∆˙vz (Hana's contribution to the subject....).

So for now, Hana is welcome in our bed at any point in the night, so long as when I go to bed I can convince myself she's spending the night in her own room.

the joys of life

I'm going to bed

Nimy

Is the name of my new kitten. Well, almost my new kitten. Officially I'm just fostering her, but it's only a matter of time.

She's about 6 weeks old and was abandoned by her owners at a bus stop. Thankfully one of the volunteers with Carma was there at the time. She came to the house two days ago and has already made herself at home. She' tiny, cute, persistant and full of energy (just like another little girl in my life....).

So why nimy? It's short for Nimrod...makes me giggle.

Pictures to come.

Mobility

Hana is mobile.

She's still not crawling, but she can get anywhere she wants by rolling and wiggling. It's pretty entertaining to watch actually. She seems to be always moving now. ALWAYS. Last night at 5 (yay 5! So much better than 2 or 3!) I had to change her. She was on her belly. Have you ever tried to change a baby when they're on their belly? Here's step by step instructions:

1 - Turn baby on to back then reach to unfasten diaper.
2 - Turn baby back onto her back, hold her with one hand and unfasten the diaper.
3 - Get the new diaper.
4 - Turn naked baby back onto her back
5 - grab baby by ankles and remove wet diaper (note: hold ankles tightly as baby will try to twist around again)
6 - place new diaper under baby and ease her down onto it
7 - let go of ankles while holding baby's belly with other hand
8 - fasten one side of diaper (note: which ever side you try to fasten, baby will decide to roll to)
9 - turn baby back onto her back
10 - repeat
11 - fake fastening one side until baby turns, then quickly fasten the other
12 - repeat steps 9-11 as needed

It's fun having her able to roll around, and we think she'll be crawling/scooting soon, but we'll see. Right now she and Caylee are playing around on the floor watching kittens. I love being a mom!

Mighty God

Have you ever sat and meditated on the might of God?

mighty (as defined by the dictonary widget) means "posessing great and impressive power or strength, especially on account of size".

So an ant being able to lift 10x it's weight could be considered mighty. Or a small group of people taking on and winning against a huge corperation can be considered mighty. Such a small force achieving something so great is a display of might.

Now think of how huge God is. The God of all gods, creator of heaven and earth. Think of the force - the power or strength - that He exhibits in order to be called mighty.

I grew up near water, on the Saint John River minutes away from where it met with the Bay of Fundy. In my teens I used to spend a lot of time on the bay watching the waves, or out in the middl eof the night in a thunder storm. There was something so beautifully frightning about those times. The power of the water, the rumble of the thunder, the flash of the lightning. It made me feel small, and yet at the same time so very safe.

I serve the God who can still the waves, the One who created the thunder and the lightning.

TO be in the presence of God is to experience something beautifully frightning. I love the image from Isaiah 6. He describes the scene with such detail, he must have been struck by the beauty of it. Still, he is aware of himself, of his folly, his faults, his powerlesness in the face of the might of God. And God, in another display of His might, welcomes him, cleanses him, makes him worthy.

Why do I consider the forgiveness of God a display of might? None can be His equal. No one on earth could even come close to comparing, we're in a different class, a different creature all together. The Father created us and can so easily rule over us.

But He doesn't.

Instead He forgives, teaches, loves, accapts and welcomes us as His children. We are not a threat to Him, not in our disbelief, our good and bad intentions, in our ambitions or anything. God's might is so huge, so absolute, that He is able to lower Himself, to come as a servant, to die as an innocent in order to make us live, and still be God, no less powerful, no less holy, no less mighty.

Praise be to the mighty God

Exodus part 3 - The Mountain

The mountain.
Part 2 is here, part 1 is here


The mountain was the destination, the purpose of the exodus. The people were called out of Egypt to go to the mountain to worship God.

Then something went bad. Very bad.

While at the foot of the mountain they heard God's voice, and it terrified them. It scared them so much that they decided they didn't want to hear from God anymore. That was Moses' job, not theirs. So they sent him up to talk to God while they waited.

You have to wonder how long that was. Apparently for some it was far too long, they got bored. They got so bored in fact that they had time to cast an idol out of gold. THink of how much time and effort that would have taken. Finding a craftsman, collecting the cold, melting it, molding it. THis was no spur of the moment decision.

They had encountered the real and livng God, but He was too much for them. THey wanted a tamer God. One they could see, one they could control. They made a calf.

How stupid that seems when we look at it. We with our vast knowledge and understanding of God. Yeah....right...

How many times have we been touched byt he breath of God and turned away? How many times have we felt real worship, have we joined with heaven itself in praise to the King, and then decided it was too uncomfortable. Too unpredictable. Too lavish. Too eccentric. Too whatever.

I'm not saying we should (or even can) continually live in that space, in that moment where there is God and nothing else. As wonderful as it would seem, we couldn't survive in that space, it's not where we're supposed to be, at least not yet. As important and wonderful as praise is, we should be more like Isaiah, crying "woe is me" as we experience the presence of God, offering to be sent out in His name so that we may be welcomed back to praise when our time has come.

Still, worship is neglected. Real, true authentic connections with God scare us. THey're unpredictable. THey're not "seeker friendly", they don't fit the time frame. Heck, sometimes connecting with God doesn't even fit in the church building.

There is a deep need for God and at the same time a deep fear of Him. Perhaps is the residue of our sin nature, perhaps it's just the result of our humanity, I don't know. I do know, however, that there is a tendancy to try and create worship instead of experiencing worship. THe Israelites did do what they were supposed to - they worshiped. It was the object, the method, the content of that worship that needed to change. Perhaps the same is true in our lives.

10 months

My baby is 10 months old. I now have a baby who can figure out a way to get almost anywhere she needs to go, even if she's not quite crawling. She can also stand while holding on to things, and pull up to her feet when holding our hands. Her first word is kitty (well, acutally it's more kihteee, but we get the point). She's also started eating well, almost two jars of baby food a day plus whatever I can give her from supper. She's learned the art of making faces for laughs and is a great source of joy and laughter for anyone around her.

As Hana grows I become more aware and in awe of the love of God. I am forming dreams for her, but I know that my desires will only play a small part in the person she becomes. I know I am her caretaker, and that at some point I will have to let her find her own path, and now that she's moving around that thought is at times frightening. I'm amazed that God would trust me to such a task, it is my highest priority.

Carma

Have you ever heard of Ca-r-ma?

It's a group that will trap, fix and release stray cats and release them again. This keeps the cats from breeding in the wild, but also respects that they become wild animals and doesn't force them to be re-domesticated. At the same time, when they get kittens, they fix them and adopt them out once they've been socialized. To socialize the kittens they give them to foster families. It's a pretty good system.

So, right now, we've got 4 kittens. Two arrived a week ago yesterday, two more a week ago today, one two days ago, and one was adopted yesterday. It's been wonderful. They're very scared for the first few days, and a couple of them still hide when we try to play with them, but they've come a long way. It's a wonderful thing to do, plus we get to cuddle kittens, what could be better than that?

Here's our kitties:






sigh.

I'm going to miss them when they're gone


And here's a picture of my punk baby, just because she's so cute

Update

- We're online again!
- My laptop died about two months ago
- Last week I replaced it with a 1.83 ghz mac mini
- I'm very happy with the mini

There were a few adjustment issues at first for Hana, but that was to be expected. She spent a few nights screaming for a couple of hours in the middle of the night. It was hard on us, but we all made it through it. She's rolling all over the place now, waking once a night again, but it's better than 2-3 times a night.

Ben starts his job on Tuesday, but it has no benefits, so he's still looking for something else. Be praying that something comes along.

I'm going to see Cirque de Soleil on Saturday with family and am super excited.

Pictures will be updated within the next 24 hours.

Soon

We're getting high speed on Wednesday. That means posts, pictures and updates are all coming soon.

Still here

Not online (nearly) as much, but still around. We're very happy to be settled and Ben started his job today. It's more travel than we'd like though. Our options are to find a different place to live (closer to the Sussex area) or to find a job closer to the moncton area. I'd personally prefer the latter, but we'll see. Pray for us. The sooner we get that figured out, the sooner we can look at getting our own place, which is the main goal right now.

circumstance

As I was about to go to sleep an idea was going through my head, so instead of sleeping here I sit typing.

I was thinking about the unchanging God - how Christianity boldy declairs God to be the same yesterday, today and forever. This has proven to be difficult for some people because of the differences between the Old and New testaments. It's almost as if the God of the old testament is one of wrath and the God of the new testament is one of love.

How do we reconcile this, how do we make it fit?

In the Old Testament the "holy life" was governed by law. There were the laws written in the Torah (the Jewish holy book) and then there were the teachings of those who studied and interpreted the law. For example, the Torah would say not to work on the Sabbath. The teachings would define what work was (no more than x number of steps away from home for example), and when the Sabbath began and ended. So these two forms of "law" and a whole lot of time meant for a whole lot of rules. These rules were impolssible to follow all the time, and so sacrifices were set up to sort of "fill the gap". Depending on what law was broken a different offering or form of repentance was laid out to cover that.

Then there's the new testament where the sacrifices and the laws seem to go out the window. What happened? Did God change His mind? Did He give up on us and lower the standards?

No. We changed. Or rather, our circumstances changed.

Think of it this way - in the Old Testament there were different rules for those who were "clean" than for those who were "unclean". There was a general understanding that "unclean" was a temporary state and so none of those laws were lifelong.

Humanity was in a state of "unclean" without method of changing that state. The Laws given in the OT were laws given with the understanding that they would be temporary. There was a better way coming, they just had to wait.

That's why things like not wearing blended fabrics, or not eating certain foods, or staying outside of town for certain things aren't important anymore - they only applied temporarily, only until the final sacrifice of Christ.

So does that mean none of the laws apply?

Hebrews 10 is a wonderful chapter. Starting at verse 8
8First he said, "Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not desire, nor were you pleased with them" (although the law required them to be made). 9Then he said, "Here I am, I have come to do your will." He sets aside the first to establish the second. 10And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.


The intent of the sacrifices (the requirements of the law) was to set our hearts on the will of God, not the will of man. It is God's will to save us, to woo us, to love us and for us to grow in that love and show it to all we know. When our will is focussed on God then none of the law is needed - it's purpose is already being fulfilled.

When one is fully focussed on God, on living a holy life (which first requires the belief that it is possible to live such a life) then the law becomes obsolete. It only exists because of the circumstance we find ourselves in.

So God never changes - His pourpose is eternal. We are the ones who change, through His power, so that we no longer need the law and are truly free to live our lives in Him. That isn't to say that nothing is a sin when a person is devoted to God - no one can "get away with murder" so to speak. It just means that a person totally devoted to God wouldn't do those things, and so it's not an issue.

9 months

My baby girl is 9 months old. Here are some of the things I love about her:

- kisses
- her new found ability to sleep through the night
- her smiles
- the way she shakes her head no no matter what you ask her
- her little "seal crawl"
- how curious she is
- how she lets us know when she needs to potty and uses less diapers in a day
- laughing
- the proud look she gets on her face when she rolls
- the cute smile when she gets tired of being on her belly and lays her head on her arms
- the "fishy", "old man" and "sad" faces
- how well she's handled the traveling, new places and new faces the past two weeks
- everything else that makes her, her

She's the most amazing baby I've ever known. So sweet, sensitive, understanding. Those are qualities I admire in her and know will make her a better person. Every day I'm more in love with her. I can't wait to get to know her thoughts, her dreams, her understanding of the world.

A few things

- Ben and our stuff made it accross Canada, yay!

- Hana has slept through the night 3 nights in a row, another yay!

- I'm so used to getting up I still don't get uninterupted sleep, but now it's my fault...

- We'll be landing in Moncton on Wednesday

- Ben's job starts on Monday (13th)

- Hana has almost learned to crawl. She's kinda doing a seal walk right now, pushing up on her hands and pulling her legs behind her. She's also rolling on her tummy to sleep.

- It's wonderful to be with family and friends.

- I get to go see Cirque de Soleil at the end of the month. Yay again.

Feminism

For years I tried to tell people (and myself) that I am not a feminist.

Sorry, I lied.

See, I'm not one of those "man hating" feminists, and I'm not even al for the equality thing either (because honestly, if I were in a burning building I'd be much more comfortable with a man coming in to save me than a woman). I do very strongly believe that women should not be paid less for the same work, or be denied any sort of position, advancement or salary because they decide to start a family.

I appriciate (and would hope I could expect) for a man to hold the door open for me, or to treat me with old fashoned respect.

But I am a feminist.

I believe in the power of women - that women have a perspective, an intuition, a wisdom that men don't have. I beleive that the power of women is ignored and minimalized in western society. That instead of those qualities being seen as assets for the business world, women are encourged to masculate themselves or promote their sexuality in order to advance.

That's just wrong.

There's this idea floating around that educated women who choose to leave the "working world" to raise a family are doing some sort of grand injustice to the world (and to the rest of the women in it). I am personally offended by this. I have a BA and plan on furthering my education at some point. I may go back into full time work before I'm finished raising my children, I may not.

I think I will do a much better service to the world raising my children than sitting in an office (even if that happens to be a church office). That's not to say anything against mothers who choose to work - I'm talking about myself and nothing more. Everyone has their own strengths, their own abilities, their own situation.

I can't understand why there is such alow view of the stay at home mom. I know I used to think it was crazy. I thought I'd go completely stir crazy being home with Hana. I even planned on going back to work when she was 6 months or so, just to get out of the house. Now, being a SAHM and knowing some of the wisest, smartest, most creative women in the world who have chosen to SAH, I'm amazed. There is so much to do, so much to teach, to learn, to share, to experience.

I have time for relationships. I have time to make a difference. I have desires, passions, dreams - and the courage to follow them. I have a plan to make the world a better place, and I see it coming to light in my family.

Elimination Communication

After a few questions (and a comment telling me to "stop potty training Hana and let her be a baby!") I thought I'd try to give a bit of an explanation of Elimination Communication (EC).

Diapers have not always existed, nor are they used globally. EC is a natural way to deal with infant elimination (bowls and bladder) without diapers. However, most North Americans who EC do use diapers as a back up method, tho generally with baby on the diaper instead of diaper on the baby. This makes it easier to see when there's a "miss" and to better understand the signals.

Babies from birth signal before they eliminate. It could be a grimace or relaxed look on the face, wiggling to a certain position, making a certain noise, whatever. If you catch these signals and hold baby over an appropriate "potty" (bowl, toilet, sink, whatever...), they learn their communication is effective and over time will refine it.

There are different windows where it's recommended to start EC, but it can be done at any time, so long as the care giver is patient and observant. This is NOT the same as "infant potty training" where restraints or punishment are used in order to teach the child when to hold and when to release. It's very gentle and responsive to the baby's own body needs.

With Hana we EC part time. We actually started using a potty when she was almost 6 months old (when she could sit unassisted), but really started doing it when she was about 3 months. Hana had issues with her formula and was very constipated. Every night we would have "naked time" before bed and that's usually when she pooped. After a few weeks, she would not poop in her diaper, but would whine, cry, struggle etc. until we took it off. She trained us pretty well.

About a week before we bought the potty I was talking to a member of my babywearing group, her daughter is only a couple weeks older than Hana and had been ECed since birth. She said they went through only a couple of diapers a day. Less diapers means less wash, so it sounded pretty good to me, especially since we had already learned Hana's signals.

Last month Ben, Hana and I went away for the night to a church retreat, and forgot to bring the potty. Actually, it wasn't so much forgot as we didn't even think to bring it with us because she was so young. She didn't poop at all that weekend and was quite uncomfortable. When we got home we put her on the potty and within 5 minutes she felt MUCH better.

We're a little slack with catching Hana's pees, but she's teaching us to pay more attention. She's gone 3 hours with a dry diaper today, which is amazing considering the ammount of fluids we're filling her with because of the heat. She whines when she needs the potty, and goes within a minute or two of being put on it. It really is amazing that she's picked up on it so quickly. Then again, if you had the option to not sit in your own pee you'd probably learn pretty quick too.

Hana likes her potty. She'll sit there for a few minutes and play with her toys, and we take her off once she's done. There's nothing difficult or harsh about it at all. Every day I'm more amazed at her abilities, her personality and her ability to communicate her needs.

Arrived

Hana and I are in Saint John.

Ben's leaving Calgary tomarrow.

Our stuff is somewhere in Ontario.

in a word

We know the answer to "what's in a name?" but what about "what's in a word?"

There are times when people are careless with words and it works out to more than just semantics. Every word has more than one meaning - there are personal feelings, connotations and experiences that we each attach to the words we use and the words we hear. Something seemingly (and intending to be) innocent can come across completely insulting and offensive because of these hidden meanings.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the cultural or intended connotations that come with words. Things that show a bias in one direction or another, words that were originally intended to be derogatory.

Like not too long ago when there was the "nappy headed ho's" comment made. It wasn't meant to be an insult, but there is no denying what the original meaning was - to refer to a group of professional female athletes that way was insane, and mayhem ensued.

There are times when these comments are innocent - like when someone asks me what I "do" and I say I'm a mom. Any response including the word "just" (as in "oh, so you just stay at home?") kinda irks me a bit - because I don't "just" do anything. I work harder now than I thought possible. I don't fault people for this, I'm just using it as an example.

My point? Be more careful with your choice of words. Look at things from the other side, take into account the mindset of whomever is listening (or reading). There are so many negative attitudes and perceptions floating around that we have allowed by claiming ignorance, and they will never stop unless we start paying attention.

Flawed Logic

Something I was reading the other day pointed this out, I thought it was rather interesting.

We're told to be careful how we treat infants because we don't want to set up bad habits. For example:

Don't sleep with your child - you'll never get her out of your bed.

Don't respond to every little noise - he needs to learn to self soothe.

Don't always carry her around - you don't want her to get used to it.

and so on.

And yet....

We never hear anyone say:
Don't let your baby pee in his diaper, you'll never get him potty trained.

In fact, we EXPECT babies to eliminate where ever and when ever in their diapers for two years (or more!!!) and then learn how to use a toilet when they're developmentally ready. Too bad that attitude can't be transfered over to some of the other situations.....

(and some would argue that's it's completely backwards and it's the diapers that aren't necessary and cause problems...)

Suck Face

Over the last few days Hana has started giving kisses.

Usually that means grabbing our face and sucking whatever is closest to her mouth - nose, chin, cheek, it's all good for her.

I love it!!!!!

My mommy loves me...and some news....

In 3 sleeps my mommy will be here. And my nanny. Because they love me.....and because I have the cutest baby in the world.

They're flying in on Sunday, spending the week visiting, and helping us clean and pack, and then flying back east with Hana and I next Sunday.

I only have 9 days left in the city. Sigh. The time is going so fast and not going fast at all at the same time.

Most of our stuff is packed, and yet the house still seems SO full. We've given so much to Goodwill in the past two weeks I'm shocked we have anything left. I really don't know how we collected so many things we don't need in such a short period of time.

I'm really hoping Hana does alright with this move. It's such a big transition! There's just no way to keep her routine consistent right now, even having Ben home all day is odd for her. We're trying to keep fairly on her routine for going out and bedtime and such, but she's also transitioning her naps right now, so even that is a little difficult.

By the way, so unfair that we're loosing the second nap already! She's not even 9 months old! Anyway...

So next week visitors, then a week at my mom's, then a few days with Ben's family, then we'll land in Moncton.

As for the landing in Moncton, looks like things are going to be fairly smooth with all that. We've got a place to stay until we get settled (thanks Denise and Tyler!!!), and Ben has a job.

Yup, that's what I said, a job.

We found out a couple days ago, it's a factory in Springfield NB, so kinda far from Moncton, but it's something and we'll go from there. I'm just so amazed at how well things are working out for this move. So long as next week goes well, and the traveling (Hana, mom, nanny and myself by plane, my dad and uncle Dana in Dad's truck and Ben and his dad in our car), then we'll be able to relax fairly soon.

so...ah, that's what we've been up to...what's new in your life?

Question Everything

This is one of my new philosophies in life.

I will not accept something just because I am told I should.
I will take nothing at face value.
I will not expect myself to agree with every opinion from a certain source just because I agree with some of it.

Now of course I will still trust people (until given a reason not to), but there is very little from human sources that shouldn't be questioned.

As far as I'm concerned if something is true it can handle a question. If I am sold on something and believe it fully then I am not threatened when someone questioned or disagrees with it - that gives me the opportunity to better understand, refine and learn to express my position.

So I read, I question, I ask, I try to see things from opposing points of view. I've always done this to one degree or another, but I want to be more purposeful with it - no sacred cows, nothing off limits. If it's true then it can handle the question...if it's not then why would I want to believe it anyway.

truths

I believe in God the Father, maker of heaven and earth. I don't know how it happened, when it happened, or how long it took, but can't deny the fact that it is.

I believe in universal truth, ultimate right and wrong, and that such truth exists regardless of circumstances or belief.

I believe in grace, forgiveness, reconciliation, peace and the ability to find understanding in any situation.

I believe that all human life is sacred and that humanity comes with basic rights to food, water, shelter, safety, human touch, love, education, empowerment, and respect. I believe these rights exist regardless of ethnicity, religion, age, gender, sexuality, location, ability or any other human characteristic that can be exploited.

I believe that free will is the God given ability to make a choice, even if that means rejecting the good and embracing the the bad.

I believe in the Bible, that it is a continual revelation of God for those who seek Him.

I believe that peace can not be accomplished through war.

I believe that each person has a responsibility to do what they can for the well being of others.

I believe that wealth and prosperity exist so that everyone can be provided for.

I believe humans have the responsibility to be stewards and guardians of the earth and all animals, and that we are doing a horrible job.

I believe that more can be learned through listening to someone who disagrees with you than someone who agrees with everything you say.

I believe that respect should be earned and not commanded.

I believe that questioning authority, traditions, status quo and rules is essential for growth as a society.

I believe that a government should serve it's people.

I believe that God is bigger than human understanding.

I believe that more lives are changed through compassion than through judgment.

I believe anyone can say they would behave a certain way until they're faced with an unimaginable situation.

I believe in the power of women.

I believe that our differences only make us stronger when we are united together.

I believe that there is always a choice and to say other wise is to give up power to others.

I believe there is wisdom in other cultures, other beliefs and other people that we miss when we are too focussed on ourselves.

I believe that opinions, beliefs and ideas can and should be respectfully expressed so that everyone involved may be edified.

I believe that the status of children in western society now is similar to that of women through history and hope that common practices now will be appalling to those reading our history.

I believe that legalism is one of the greatest evils in the world and until people begin to question their motives, judgments and why they believe what they do, we will not see any change in our world.

I believe in peace, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love.

Crazy

There was an article published recently declaring that children as young as 6 months can lie. You can read it here.

Now that you're back, let's discuss.

The premus here is that there is nothing really wrong with the child when they cry, therefor they are lying and manipulating their care giver into responding to them. Seems basic enough. I'm sure everyone who's spent any time around kids has encountered this - baby cries, nothing seems wrong, you pick baby up, baby stops crying. So obviously they were just trying to manipulate you, right?

Or let's consider this. Baby has limited means of communication. Baby is feeling lonely, stressed, cold, uncomfortable, itchy, whatever. Baby cries and is picked up. Whatever was bothering baby suddenly isn't bothing them, they stop crying.

Yeah, sure, but the researches covered this, they said babies would cry, wait for a response, and then cry again. Well if most babies start doing this at 6 months then Hana is ahead of the curve. At around 4 months she learned that she could "call" to us when she woke up in the morning. It isn't really a cry, but I suppose that's what it would sound like if you didn't know what she was doing. That's how we knew she was awake and ready to get out of bed in the morning. She wasn't making us think something was wrong, she was just communicating in the only way she knew how.

So why do babies "cry for attention" - I have a theory. Babies start life with the ability to communicate. There are signals they make when they are hungry, when they need to eliminate, when they are tired, when they need to be held etc. The first few months of life is spent refining this communication. For example:

Mother is watching baby. Baby moves towards mother's breast. Mother makes no response. Baby moves hands to mouth. Mother makes no response. Baby sucks hands. Mother makes no response but wonders what's going on. Baby cries. Mother feeds it.

Next time things are similar:

Mother is watching baby. Baby moves towards mother's breast. Mother makes no response. Baby moves hands to mouth. Mother makes no response. Baby sucks hands and whimpers. Mother feeds it.

And the next time:


Mother is watching baby. Baby moves towards mother's breast. Mother makes no response. Baby moves hands to mouth. Mother feeds it.

Ok so it might not be quite so smooth as that and it takes a lot more practice, but you get the point. Baby and mother develop their own language in order to get things done. If these signals are missed in the early months then the baby resorts to crying. Not crying to manipulate, but crying because that's how they've learned to express their needs.

So why does this happen?

Because we live in a culture where children are seen as less than adults. Their needs aren't as important and need to be controlled, scheduled, or extinguished. We're told by relatives, strangers, friends and (most appalling) medical professionals that if we're not careful a baby will quickly gain power over us and manipulate us and we'll become slaves to our children. The only way to stop this is to very early teach a baby "who's boss". There's even the perpetuating myth that crying is good exercise for babies and is actually necessary for proper lung development.

Give me a break! Look at things from the eyes of the child. Hana is in the "grab everything and put it in mouth" stage. She's so funny to watch because her mouth is almost ALWAYS open waiting for whatever it is she's trying to get her little hands on. We're pretty good about keeping safe things within her reach, but every now and then she's grab a forbidden object (my glasses for instance), and we'll have to take it away from her. We try our best to always trade things because we want to teach her to give, not to take, but it's not always that easy. So she cries.

Now some would say she's crying so that I'll take pity on her and give her the object back.

I say she's crying because something she worked hard to get has been taken from her and she doesn't understand why. She's frustrated, confused, a little angry and has no other way to expect that. Yes, she'd stop crying if I gave it back (wouldn't you?), but that doesn't mean the purpose of the cry was to manipulate. I don't give it back. But I also don't dismiss how she's feeling. I let her know I understand she's frustrated and upset, but that she can't chew on x because of y. Then I try to find something that will make her happy.

Why do I react like that? Firstly because that's how I would want to be treated. Secondly because I want to teach her to name and express her emotions in a healthy way. Thirdly because I want her to see that her feelings are valid and important so that she'll learn to validate and respect the feelings of others.

There's this idea floating around that parents are either dictators ("because I said so" sort of thinking) or permissive (let their kids have whatever they want no matter what). As with almost everything else, there is middle ground. It is possible to set boundaries for children (because everyone needs healthy boundaries) without minimalizing their feelings, needs and wants. Yes, even wants. I get things I want but don't need (like tonight when I asked Ben to go get me some popcorn at 10 pm...my husband is too good to me!), so I extend the same ability to Hana. No, she won't get everything she wants, and as she grows up I'll t each her how to choose what is important, but right now I make those choices for her. I hate the language of control that is used when talking about parenting. We need to empower children, to support them in their emotions, in their explorations, in their desires. There's this cultural attitude that allows us to put adult motivation (manipulating emotions for a desired response) on a child's behaviour (having no way to express how they feel but crying).

Sigh...

It's human nature to learn behaviour through what we see and experience. If power is taken away from a child then they will take away power. If feelings are dismissed they become uncaring. I honestly think that if the world had a healthier view of children we would have a lot more healthy adults.

little things

apparently I have a lot to say today...

I went on a walk earlier and realized there will be some little things I'll miss about Calgary:

- having Planet Organic at the end of my street
- seeing jack rabbits EVERYWHERE - on my walk there was one hopping down the sidewalk towards me, then it crossed the road.
- seeing the mountains


And then there are things I'm really looking forward to when we get back to NB:
- seeing stars
- water (the bow river doesn't cont as water...)
- having all of my family close by

who'd a thunk it

(ETA: this is post #200, yay me. I should get a prize or something.)

Apparently my mouth isn't the only part of me that likes sweet things. The rest of my body does too!

THe past while I've been looking for alternative/natural body products. I have serious sensitive/dry skin issues. I've never found a face product I could use more than ever other day without getting a rash. I have to apply most lotions 3+ times a day to keep my skin from getting dry. In the winter it gets so bad that I have to always wear something soft against my skin because some of my clothes will actually hurt when they rub against me.

When I moved out here I found Lush. Absolutely wonderful products! Nothing I've tried there has ever caused a reaction, the lotions work all day, and the Dream Cream even made Hana's eczema go away! It really is wonderful stuff, but still uses additives/scents.

Then there was my hair. I have course, wavy/curly hair. For most of my life it's been dry and frizzy. I've recently learned that it needs moisture, oil, and to be left alone. So I've stopped washing it as often, wash with conditioner, don't blowdry and don't use a brush. It's much happier now, so soft and shiny.

So what does all of that have to do with sweet stuff?

Well, I've recently discovered that a bit of conditioner mixed with brown sugar makes an excellent scalp/body scrub. It's wonderful stuff. And once my scalp is all clean I deep condition my hair with a honey/conditioner mix.

Yup, sounds odd, but it works!
Here's the proof:


I love it. I really want to grow my hair long again (like, really long), so I'm hoping using this stuff will keep it nice and shiny and pretty. Plus compared to salon stuff, this is cheep!

Parenting

Have I mentioned how much I love being a mommy?
It's the most wonderful thing in the world. I'm in awe of my daughter, her curiosity, her personality, her excitement and joy in the simplest things. No really, the simple things. One of her favorite things to do is sit outside and try to eat the grass, she could do that for hours.

I'm a much different parent than I thought I would be. I remember telling Ben that after the first few weeks she wouldn't be in our room, and she'd never be in our bed. The reality - in our bed was the only way I could get her to nurse when she nursed, and she still sleeps in our bed when she needs to.

I also have stopped trying to count how many ounces she takes how many hours apart. I don't know how much she eats during the day, but it's obviously enough. Really the only sort of scheduling I do is with her sleeping, and it's on a schedule she fell into on her own. That's even changing right now, I think she's either about to learn to crawl or transitioning to one nap. I really hope it's crawling!

I had heard of elimination communication when I was pregnant and honestly thought it was a little insane. Now as I write this my 8.5 month old is sitting on her potty.

I didn't expect to parent like this, but the more I read, the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I wouldn't want to sit in my own mess. I wouldn't want to be left alone to cry myself to sleep. I want her to grow up respecting the needs of others, and that means respecting her needs.

As she's gotten older things have changed. I only wear her when we go out or if she's really cranky, where as before it was for 6-8 hrs a day. I let her fall asleep on her own for naps and bedtime instead of laying down with her or rocking her, but I still go in and comfort her if she cries. Usually if she cries going to sleep it means she needs to be changed or she's hungry. The rest of the time she's wiggled herself to the corner of her bed and is stuck. Last night she managed to spin completely around before going to sleep, her feet ending up where her head was when I had laid her down.

She's taught me so much. How to laugh, how to look at the world differently, how to make people around me smile. It's a wonderful thing, more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I'm a better person as her mother than I could have been on my own.

Whelmed

As in, overwhelmed.

In 10 days my mom and grandmother will be here for a week. I have 10 days to get packed and finish the list of things I need to do before I move. AHHHHH

Well, that's not completely true. I will be doing some packing when they get here, like the kitchen and such, and cleaning, but I want to get as much of it done before they arrive that I can. There just seems to be so much to do.

And then I have my usual problem as well. I'm isolating myself from people. I don't like saying goodbye. I can't handle it at all. So instead I just avoid people. I haven't gone to playgroup for a while, even though I could have. I don't want to go to church either, but I will at least this week because I'm supposed to be helping in the nursery. I should be spending time with my wonderful friends here, but instead I'm hiding. Sorry!

I can't believe how much junk Ben and I have. There's so much stuff that we're donating just because it's not worth it to bring it back east. We don't need it. Still, there's a lot we're keeping and taking, I just hope it isn't too much to fit on the truck. We'll see.

Teething Sucks

My poor baby girl. We've been going through this for MONTHS (like, since she was 3 months old) and still no teeth. She's working on three of them, her gums are all swollen and we can feel the hard bumps of teeth, but nothing has broken through yet.

Just when I think it's as bad as it can get and they've got to break through, it gets worse. The last few days have been really rough, she wakes up every hour or two in pain, she has a hard time eating, and nothing really helps. This means we have a very tired hungry and cranky baby girl. She's been sleeping in our bed because it's easier to sooth her back to sleep there, but it means Ben and I don't get much sleep either.

During the day it's easy enough to keep her happy and distracted, but at night things get much harder.

On another note, she now has 4 "words" - dada, nana, baba, and mama. As of right now she seems to use them randomly, but Ben says she says mama when she's tired and wants me. Dada seems to happen when she's having fun (whether or not Ben is here), and the other two are completely random.

She's also so adorably cute that I really don't care that much about how she keeps us up, extra snuggles during the night are definitely not a bad thing, and I know she'd much rather be sleeping too. I just hope it doesn't get any worse.

Pressures

There was an interesting illustration done at church last night. Four people were given balloons, and it was explained that the balloons were under internal pressure, and there was something in them. To get the something out they either had to increase internal pressure or external pressure. So they all stepped on the balloons and it was found that three of them had moldy garlic and the other had a Campino. The point was that the pressures did not determine what was inside, it just brought out what was hidden.

I thought it was a great illustration, and it gave me a lot of peace. The last two years have been wonderful and hard at the same time. There are parts that just completely sucked, and parts that were absolutely wonderful. And through it all, I've changed.

Through these rough things Ben and I have had to make difficult decisions. We've had to act on things in ways that surprised people. We've had to make choices that people don't understand and have questioned. We've had to look at things, both internal and external, things we had never really questioned, and evaluate them with new eyes.

There is nothing we regret, tho we had hoped some situations would have turned out differently. We're both different people than we were when we moved out here. Stronger, more assured, with more faith and more hope and at the same time with less expectations. I hope that as new challenges rise up against us we'll still have some of those good things left.

8 months

My baby girl is 8 months old. Wow how time flies.

I remember being pregnant this time last year, she was just starting to kick hard enough for other people to feel, I was huge, I knew she was a girl, and I couldn't wait to meet her.

Now, I'm just as amazed. She's so curious, so interested in everything going on. Yesterday in the line for starbucks she was on my back and one of the people behind me was having a staring contest with her. She usually would win, and then smile and laugh. It was great fun. She watches people, and she picks up on things. I can tell already she's going to be very intuitive and empathetic - if I'm stressed she will not go to sleep for me, no matter how much I try to mask it. Instead, she makes faces and noises and gets me to smile and relax.

She also has a very strong personality already, which doesn't really surprise me. That can be such a good thing, so long as it's nurtured. She'll have the inner strength to stand for what she believes, to make changes, to be someone. I need to learn how to encourage those things and learn to understand her so we don't end up clashing all the time. I'll have to learn how to pick my battles as she grows up.

She's beautiful and fun and talkative and I just love her to bits.

New Look

I hennaed my hair, what do you think?

Clarification

From my previous post.

I haven't fallen into the "I'm ok, you're ok, everything is relative" pit (because honestly I don't think such a thing really can work...if we all weren't living/doing what we thought was right then why would we be doing it?)

I just feel that making laws against abortion because God makes it clear all life is sacred is like putting a bandage on a paper cut after the arm has already fallen off and the person is bleeding to death. There is a much bigger problem that needs to be addressed, and until it is the little things can't really be fixed anyway.

Yes, there will be those who won't have an abortion just because it's illegal. They're also more likely to be the ones willing to sit and talk with a counselor about the far reaching effects of abortion and to seek out other options. We should put our energy into support, education and relationships with people, not into legislation that won't stop the real problem anyway.

World Police

A wonderful community that I'm part of (both online and in person) recently had a discussion in abortion. It was amazingly civil and I know I learned things and I'm sure others did too.

As would be expected, religion was brought into the discussion. It wasn't done in a derogatory way (well, at least it wasn't intended that way), but there was the "God says so, so there" sort of feel.

Things like that always make me uncomfortable. I am a Christian, I'm even on the conservative side of Christianity. If I see someone who I know has professed to be a Christian living in a way that goes against the core of the faith I feel an obligation to do something to correct the issue (in Hebrews we are told to "spur one another on towards love and good deeds" - spurring isn't always fun), however, for those outside of the faith, I see no justification for expecting them to live as I do.

See, the Bible was written to those who already had at least some interest in God, if not some connection with Him. the things written there, the rituals, observances, principles, they're for those who believe. There is not one command that I am aware of that was not written either to the Israelites (in the old testament) or to the new churches (in the New testament).

So when it comes to issues like homosexual marriage, abortion, premarital sex etc. I have very strong, biblically based opinions. But I can't take those opinions any further than those who have submitted themselves and chosen to live a certain way.

I think of it this way - there is no reason to assume that my belief in God is any deeper or more meaningful to my life than a Hindu's belief in their gods is. According to Hinduism the cow is a sacred animal. I choose to eat beef, and so under their belief system I have done something wrong. However, I can't be held accountable to it, because I'm not under that law.

And the same holds true for Biblical law - I don't have the right to hold someone to a standard that they are not aware of, especially one that requires an intentional decision to be under.

I don't think national laws should be dictated by religion - by ANY religion. I don't think that Muslim states should require everyone there to live as if they are Muslim. In the same light I don't think that so-called "Christian" nations should require that everyone act as though they are Christians.

Yes, I believe there is a right and wrong. I believe there is a God who will at one point judge everyone on earth. I don't know the standard of that judgment, however, and I'm not going to pretend I do. As far as I'm concerned if a person is living life without connection to God for whatever reason then anything they do after that doesn't really matter as far as eternity is concerned. And if they have or are seeking a connection with God as I know Him, then He will deal with whatever "issues" there may be, regardless of what I say. I am here to spur, it is God who convicts.

So while I'm pro-life and given the chance will do what is necessary to support a woman in the decision to keep her child (meaning I'm willing to take in a teen mother, to support treatment programs for mothers with addiction, to help financially and to just be a friend to someone going through the crisis of an unplanned pregnancy), I still think it's much better for a woman to have access to safe abortions rather than put the life of the mother at risk as well. As can be seen globally, abortions will happen, unless something dramatic happens to change the culture. It's sad, it's tragic, it's bad, but it exists and we need a much better way to deal with it than turning away and pretending it won't happen.

4 weeks

Ok, really it's 4 weeks and two days....
That's when I'll be getting on a plane and heading back to New Brunswick.

Sigh and sadness.

I've really loved being in Calgary the last two years, even tho some of it wasn't always all that great.
The things I'll miss most:

1. Friends from my AP and Babywearing groups!
2. My church
3. Not having to use the car much
4. Chinatown
5. the mountains
6. the c-train

I'm sure there are other things, but those are just off the top of my head. This really is a great place.

Cut

I love this song.


It explains it so well - "the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside" - such a contradiction, but oh so true.
The chorus
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
relief exists
I find it when I am cut.

It's one of my favorite songs, it makes me feel normal, helps me to realize other people have been there, other people understand. And that helps keep me safe.

Self injury is more common than you realize. Everyone reading this probably knows at least one person (besides me) who self injures (I don't anymore, Feb. 13, 2001 was the last time). That number goes up the more time you spend around teens. Don't be afraid of it. Don't think it's something it's not (done for attention, a suicide attempt, no big deal). It comes in many forms, some of them invisible, some potentially fatal.

Also be aware that the self injury itself isn't the real problem. It is a way to deal with other things happening in life. Once those things are dealt with and other, healthier coping mechanisms are learned the self injury will be much easier to manage, and may even fade away on its own. First aid is important, safety is important, but honestly there are times when injuring is not the worst thing a person could do.

If you want any other info, feel free to ask, I've got tons.
be safe.

My life in pictures

Ben had Friday off so we've been having fun. It's been a good weekend, here's some things we've caught on camera:

Ben got his new Onbu and I got to show him how it works (this is the flowery side, it also has a more "manly" side, but real men don't care about stuff like that)



We decided to go to the zoo, so Ben got Hana strapped on and off we went.




I had Hana in the rebozo so she could see better. (yes...we took two carriers for a trip to the zoo...what's your point...)



We saw elephants.


And then tonight just for fun I decided to play with henna I had frozen when I did my hair...which I need to do again sometime soon. (BTW...that design is on my left hand...and I'm left handed....I did it with my right hand...go me...)

The end.

Boycott

July 2-8 has been named as Nestle Free Week

What's so bad about Nestle you ask?
The boycott has been going on for 30 years and is due mostly to Nestle targeting mothers in impoverished nations in order to get them to use formula. As was stated in 1978

"Can a product which requires clean water, good sanitation, adequate family income and a literate parent to follow printed instructions, be properly and safely used in areas where water is contaminated, sewage runs through the streets, poverty is severe and illiteracy is high?"

The answer, of course, is no.

Now, I formula feed Hana. It was a hard choice to make, but one of necessity, things had gotten so bad she was starving and would not latch. I know other people who formula feed just because they choose to, and that is their decision to make. However, they did so with clean water and sterile materials, ensuring their baby was not getting contaminated food, doing the best they could even tho it wasn't the optimal source of nutrition. So this isn't about a mother's ability to choose what she feeds her baby.

This is about targeting mothers in situations where preparing formula properly is near impossible, in North America and around the world. In North America low income families are more likely to use formula. I don't know if you've noticed, but formula is expensive, 11-30$ a can, which for Hana (who eats about 30 oz a day) lasts about 5 days. If mother's can't afford the formula they're prone to water it down or offer substitutes (juice etc.) and the baby ends up not getting the nutrition it needs. Sure, Nestle (and other companies) are good about sending them coupons, but think about the difference that would have been made if the mother was given the support and resources she needed in order to successfully nurse. Also, even with the coupons, Nestle is still bringing in a profit, so they really aren't being the good guys.

In the same vein, targeting mothers in situations where clean water is nearly impossible to come by is just horrible. Baring any life threatening condition that would make breastfeeding more of a risk than contaminated water there is no reason why formula would be the best choice. It makes me sick to think of those infants who could be getting all the food they need (and antibodies) from their mother safely but instead are starving.

So even tho Nestle formula might say "breast is best" they still give out samples to mothers in hospital (and anyone who has breastfed knows the first few days and weeks are all a confidence game), give gifts to health care workers and promote their formula over the "competition" (a successful nursing relationship).

According to the World Health Organization, 1.5 million babies die every year as a result of not being breastfed. That's too many.

So please consider joining this boycott, even just for the week. And don't forget to let Nestle know you're boycotting them and why.

There's more info here, here, and here.

Oh, and a list of what to boycott is here. Remember to always check labels, companies buy and sell products all the time.

True Words

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

How many years can a mountain exist
Before it's washed to the sea?
Yes, 'n' how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, 'n' how many times can a man turn his head,
Pretending he just doesn't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Conversations

I got a wonderful phone call from a wonderful friend (and one of my favorite people on the planet) tonight. It was bliss. One of those conversations that just goes. We talked about a lot of things and I honestly don't know how we got from one to the other, but we did, and it was wonderful.

There's something about having someone I can share everything with. I am blessed with a handful of people I can completely be myself around, talk about anything, share anything, and have no fear of judgment.

Not that I'm not myself around most of my friends...there's just certain conversations that would be awkward for some people, or would make them feel uncomfortable to ask for clarification. There are things that people don't want to hear or wouldn't understand. Parts of myself that don't fit with people's perception of me (either in a positive or negative way).

So when I have a chance to share those things, things I'm working through, things I'm thinking about, things I'm exploring or interested in, it makes my heart soar. Makes me feel relaxed and content and loved.

Friend, I hope you felt as good after we talked as I did!

25 important things I've learned

In the order they came into my head:

1. No one does everything perfectly the first time.
2. An apology goes a long way to making things better.
3. Most of the time there are just as many things to be happy about as there are to make you sad, the choice is yours
4. Smiling at strangers makes for interesting reactions.
5. Looking someone in the eye when you talk to them makes them feel you care.
6. Parents are an amazing source of experience.
7. The older you get the more you have to offer the world.
8. We have a responsibility to take care of people who can't care for themselves.
9. We have a responsibility to care for the earth.
10. Sitting in a comfortable chair makes any conversation easier.
11. Sometimes a cookie makes things better.
12. A five minute break can make you more productive than the tightest schedule.
13. Some things are much more important than how others think about you.
14. You are not responsible for the emotions of others, so long as you act respectfully towards them.
15. Babies smell wonderful.
16. Age and wisdom aren't always opposites.
17. A lot can be learned from children.
18. A week really can make a difference in a life.
19. Someone out there really needs you to be part of their life.
20. God is there to be found if you really look.
21. No one knows everything.
22. Reading can be good for the soul.
23. Nature is good for the soul.
24. Laughter is vital to a relationship.
25. "The greatest of these is love"

Refreshed

Ben and I went on a much needed retreat with out church this weekend. It was bliss. Because of his shift work we missed the first night but made it up there Saturday morning.

We spent time with friends, ate good good, played with kids, just all around had a wonderful time.

As it gets closer for us moving it gets so much harder. It took so long to build relationships with people, and now we have to leave them all behind. sigh.

On ideas, disagreements and rights

I'm a little shocked right now. It seems I have a much wider audience to my blog than I had originally thought. That audience presumably includes members of an online community that I had removed myself from because of the negativity and unhealthy attitudes I found there.

Those people have now chosen to start bringing their negativity here and that upsets me. I want this to be a safe place for me to share my thoughts, ideas etc. with friends and random passers-by without fear of being attacked.

I'm not afraid of being disagreed with, and anyone who knows me personally should be well aware of that. I've been disagreed with so many times in my life I can't count them. Sometimes it was because of a misunderstanding. Sometimes it was because of personal preferences. Sometimes it was because of different interpretations of facts or different experiences. Sometimes I could swear the other person was just on crack. Sometimes I was the one on crack.

Differing opinions don't bother me. They don't frighten me, intimidate me, make me nervous, make me feel guilty or anything like that. If I have a strong opinion about something that means I've put my time and effort into forming that opinion. I want to be right (seriously, do you really know anyone who wants to be wrong?), and one can't be right without all the facts. So by listening to others opinions and getting as much information as I can I'm able to grow and adapt my opinion as needed. This even means admitting when I'm wrong (*gasp!*). It also means asking questions and listening to the opinions and reasons of others.

So if that's how I feel, then why have a problem when people come to my blog and give unsolicited "opinions" not about what I've said but about me?

I see a blog as sort of a virtual "front yard" - not completely private, but a fairly safe personal place. Most people there will be friends, but you will get the odd uninvited visitor. Message boards on the other hand are more like coffee shops. Much more public, yet still allowing personal and even semi-private interaction.

Having people come to my blog and say mean sarcastic things about me is like having someone I have purposely removed myself from come to my house and start yelling things in front of the neighbours. Not cool.

Yes, they have the right to disagree with me, and I will listen to their points and even interact with them. Yes, they have the right to read what I say and for their own opinions about not only my position but about who I am as a person. They even have the right to express that opinion (and, regardless of how poorly presented I will even take it into consideration, or at least ask Ben about it). However, I think most people would agree that a line is crossed when someone spouts off personal complaints in a public place.

That's what I have an issue with. Disagree with me, fine, share your reasons and we can both learn. Don't like me, again, fine, I can't make you like me and I'll make it through life fine without your approval. Want to make sarcastic and negative remarks in my space in front of my friends? Don't expect me to listen or keep them there.

I don't presume to be able to control anyone in the world. Everyone is perfectly capable of making their own decisions. You don't like what I say, fine. Write me off as some crazy lady who doesn't know what she's talking about. Live your life how ever you want to. Raise your child how ever you want to. I have no doubt you love your child and are doing what you think is "best"...

(Note: just because a person thinks something is "best" doesn't mean it really is. There are people in the world who think it is "best" to place their child's hand against a hot stove so they'll learn not to touch it. Or people who think it's best to leave their child sitting in their own waste for hours so they'll learn not to soil their pants again. Or people who think it's best to raise their child believing that their ethnic group is superior to all others.)

I believe that in order to make the best decisions we need to have the best information. For years people thought smoking was good for their health until the information changed. I think it's important to share new ideas and experiences so we can all learn and be better people. So I will keep sharing my opinion here (and anywhere else I feel is appropriate). No one forces you to read it.

I won't try to defend my choices. I feel no need to defend myself to strangers, and friends either know my reasons or will ask. If you don't like what I say feel free to respond, but if you are attacking me don't expect me to pay much attention.

Attitude Adjustment

(Disclaimer: Nothing I'm about to say is an attack on any individual. It's a lament over the current state of things, and possibly a gripe towards the people with some sort of authority that perpetuate it, but nothing personal. If you do the things I complain about here I understand it's just because it's the "norm" and "the way things are done" etc. I hold nothing against you. Basically don't read more into this than what I'm putting here...thank you.)

Our current culture has an awful view of children. Ok, maybe awful is going a bit to far, but at the very least it's frightening and negative. Parents are so often told (by Doctors, books, "experts" etc.) that they need to "train" their child.

Children aren't dogs!

It's so frustrating to me when I am told I need to "sleep train" Hana. Or when people think I'm odd for "potty training" her. Or when I'm told it's such an awful thing that I respond to her or wear her because I'm "training" her to be clingy and needy.

If we treated any other class of people the way children are treated there would be an uproar. If an elderly person without mobility was left without access to a bedpan and had to sit in soiled clothing for an hour (or more!) people would have a fit. If a person without the ability to clearly communicate was left alone crying until they fell asleep authorities would be called in. If we see a stranger on the street in obvious need of something (a tire change, for example), we stop to help. If someone is hungry we do what we can to feed them.

And yet when it comes to infants none of the above applies. We're told they need to be left to figure things out for themselves. To "self soothe", to learn they can't always "get their way". I'd like to find the person who first came up with that idea and ask them where their mind went.

If anyone else in my life were in need of something, someone I cared about even the slightest bit, I'd be seen as mean or uncaring if I didn't offer some comfort or respond to them in some way.

We somehow lost sight of what it means to be a child - to explore, to learn, to grow, to be in the care of another. Yes, children need structure and boundaries, but they also need to be able to be children.

Attachment theory talks about the need for a child to develop secure attachment to a primary care giver. This security helps to balance and regulate the child, giving a safety. When it comes time for the child to explore or try something new, they have the reassurance of that safe place and the confidence to try new things. Unfortunately, outside of early childhood education or child psychology, attachment theory isn't very well known.

Some people think this is just part of me being an idealist. Or it's because Hana's my first child. Or because she's a baby. Or that I just plain don't know what I'm talking about. I don't care. I'm going to raise my child with the same respect and dignity that I would show to anyone else and would respect for myself. If I were to hit an adult it would be considered assault, so I won't hit her. I don't like crying myself to sleep, so I don't make her do it. I can eat when I'm hungry so I extend the same privilege to her. I know that the people who love me will be there for me when I need them, and I make sure she has the same security. I will teach her to be a loving and compassionate person by being loving and compassionate towards her. I will let her know there are things in life that aren't fair and she won't like, but that they're small compared to all the good things she can get out of life, and I will help her to work through them.

A quote I love (tho can't find who said it) is "It's easier to raise healthy children than it is to fix broken adults.". I think that once this mentality is more widely adopted we will see a big change in the world. I want Hana to be part of that change.

Babywearing

I've had different people ask me different questions about babywearing, so here's some common questions and some info if anyone is curious:

Does it hurt your back?
Nope. Not at all. Ok, sometimes, but only when I do things wrong. I have muscle damage in my back (had a muscle spasm and seize when I was in high school, in a lot of pain for a long time and it still flares up when I'm not careful). Generally, I don't carry anything over about 10 lbs for any length of time without causing issues. Even being pregnant through me all out of whack because my posture was all messed up.

However, with babywearing, I can make sure Hana is in the right position so she doesn't hurt me. That means keeping her close to my body (so it doesn't throw off my posture), carrying her on my back, and making sure she's nice and high up.

Is it hard to get her on your back?
It was scary at first, but not difficult, especially once I got used to seeing other people do it. This video shows different ways to get baby up and down (Hana likes the "whoops" method some days). Basically practice over a bed or kneeling on the floor (or kneeling on the bed) and you get used to it. So does your baby. Hana hangs on now while I wrap her, which makes things easier (I'm still holding her too, don't worry!).

What should I use?
Anything. If it means having your baby with you rather than not, use anything. A Snuggli, Baby Bjorn, Mei Tai, Wrap, Pouch, Ring Sling, Podeigi, Onbuhimo, Soft structured carrier, rebozo, amutick, anything (tho I think that's a pretty complete list of options..). From my own experience and stories from others, the Baby Bjorn and Snuggli type carriers are good for newborns but then get very uncomfortable. They're also difficult for short people. We have one and Hana was in it once, for about 5 minutes. There's also some reaseach (which are admittedly biased towards wraps) that feel the position of the baby's legs (hanging straight down) can be damaging. Honestly I see little boys in them and sort of cringe myself. Other more traditional carriers have the baby's legs spread like they are when carried in arms. This is also the position babies with hip dysplasia are put in to encourage their hips to grow properly. It also allows the baby to be in a closer and higher position, which keeps their weight in a better position for the wearer.

I am a biased towards more traditional carriers (not the ones you can buy at Toys R Us) because they are prettier, last longer, are more comfortable and are more versitile, and most of what I talk about will relate to those. Really tho, use anything. I've even seen people use towels, pants and sweatshirts.

Why babywear?
Some people think it's just plain silly that I wear Hana. Other people even think it's harmful. They don't realize there are benefits to it for everyone.

First of all, I've never known a baby who didn't go through a "I want to be held all the time" stage at some point. A lot of mothers get frustrated that they can't get anything done. If you have a carrier, all you have to do is toss baby on your back and you can do pretty much anything (aside from driving, some exercise, and activities that require you to be on your back, etc.). It also makes shopping trips easier - next time you go to the mall, count how many people you see carrying the baby and pushing the stroller.

Babywearing is also good for nursing - it's possible to nurse in most carriers without anyone even knowing that's what's happening. And you can move around hands free.

In the early days, babywearing helps regulate a baby's system. Kangaroo Care is becomming more popular with preemies. If it's good for them, why wouldn't it be good for a full term baby?

There's a full list of benefits here

How long can you use them?
For most of them, as long as you want. I've seen pictures of people showing off with adults in different carriers. It's kind of funny to see. I've had people make comments along the lines of wearing Hana being a bad idea because when she's bigger I won't be able to, but I figure as long as I'm able to lift her I'll be able to wear her (just don't know if she'll want to be worn that much lol). Some carriers are better with bigger or smaller babies, and some have weight limits (depending on the brand), but usually they're able to be used in different positions and are long lasting.

Where can I get one?
Unless you're lucky and live in a place where they're available, you'll most likely have to buy online. Or, you can always make your own.

Babywearing is a wonderful thing. It might not be necisary (but then one can argue that no baby prouduct is really neccesary), but it does make life easier.

Here's some of my favorite babywearing sites:
The Babywearer

NINO: Nine In Nine Out

Wear Your Baby

Growth Spurts

Hana's getting big.

Of course, big is relative. And being that she's my daughter, I don't expect her to ever be really all that big. Hopefully, unlike me, she'll actually pass the 5 ft mark.

When we took her to get checked this past Wednesday I was surprised that she's 16.5 lbs (at 7 months...). I still get a little teary when I realize her pants are getting a little short. Then I look at the tag and realize they're 6 month pants and I'm lucky to have gotten as much wear out of them as I have (altho some of her 3 month tops still fit).

Well, tonight she woke up wet and needed her jammies changed. Ben, being the wonderful husband and father that he is, grabbed some clean jammies out of the laundry basket and went to change her.

He brought her back out looking like this:


Apparently there is a limit to how much baby you can stuff into a sleeper. It was just washed, which means she has worn it in the past week.

So tomorrow I'm going to go through her clothes and start packing more stuff away. My little baby is growing up...sniff

Got Bento?

I do I do!

In the past 3 days we've gotten 3 bento boxes. Two from ebay and one locally (I love having a city with a chinatown!). After pricing around, I can honestly say that the best deals on Bento sets (including accessories) are at Bento Yum (especially since the day after I ordered one of my boxes they started carrying whole sets of the same one for about 5$ more...grrr).



So, I have a Hello Kitty box with chopsticks and divider that I bought here, a blue sakura dot box with divider from Ebay and a black box with red lid for Ben bought on Ebay (it's bigger than any of the other boxes I've seen). I also bought a utensil set for Ben.

And here's what I can do with them:



Lid part: sunflower seeds and some smarties
bottom tier: half a baked potato, leftover hamburger helper and a boiled egg with baby spinach dividers
right tier: cottage cheese with raspberries, baby spinach and baby carrots. In the bottle is the dressing for the salad. There also should have been other stuff for the salad but I hadn't realized we were out of veggies and cheese. Ben said it was ok.

I also packed basically the same thing for me, just smaller portions. I'm not going anywhere today, but I have a bad habit of forgetting to eat when Ben isn't home, so this way when I remember it's all ready for me.

7 months

ok, a couple days late again...oops?

My baby girl is now 7 months old. In the last month we have changed 1 poopy diaper. Speaking of diapers, she's finally out of the size small ones that we were given and into the mediums. We take her for her shots tomorrow, so I'll find out how big she is then, but I'm thinking it's right around 15lbs right now.

She's starting talking, more specifically, saying dada. Over and over again. All the time. Dadadadada dada dadadada dadada. It's much better than the grunting that she had been doing for a while.

Still no tooth, we're waiting.

She's super curious and aware of things going on around her, so many people have pointed this out to us.

Her hair is growing in (finally!).

She can shake her head no.

Going to sleep at night she rubs her belly and it looks like she's doing some little dance, super adorable!

She's eaten: carrots, avacado, peaches, mango, pears, watermellon, honeydew, tomato, mustard, apple sauce, and sweet patato, but no more than about a tbs at a time of anything. She likes tasting but isn't sold on the whole eating thing yet.

She's perfect, I love her, and I can't even remember what life was like before her.

Religion

These are some things I've been thinking lately.

I'm a Christian. I believe in one God, that people are separated from Him, and that the only way to fix that separation is through the sacrifice of Christ.

I don't believe that because I'm a Christan that I've somehow got some sort of spiritual superiority, or that my hunger and devotion to God is any greater than anyone elses.

See, I believe there is some truth in every belief system. In fact, I think that the things we ignore in Christianity, things that we might even class as wrong or evil, make us miss out parts of God that He has revealed.

religion is created by man. God has continually revealed Himself, and we're left to interpret it. God reveals Himself in a sunrise, in the birth of a child, in scripture, in dance, in music. All good gifts come from God, all truth is God's truth, and I think we all miss Him in different ways.

So do I believe that "all roads lead to God" - no. I don't, because religion, doctrine, all that is all interpretation, and interpretation can be wrong.

The way I see it, every religion has within it a fatal vice, something that can distract a person from their search for God. It can be power, knowledge, experience, answers, empty promises, anything. I think if a person is able to overcome those things they will always keep searching for God, and realize that no one interpretation of Him has all the answers.

The Bible says that the earth reveals His glory, that He has written eternity on the hearts of men. How can we ignore that and think that somehow we have contained Him in the walls of a building, in a book, or even in our hearts. When Christians talk as though they are the only ones to experience God, to feel His love or see His glory or do His work it makes me mad. It ignores the work of the Spirit, the desire of others and the ability of God to work any situation for His glory.

So those are my thoughts...anyone else want to chime in?

The Birth House

I bought this book on Wednesday. It was WONDERFUL

It's set in Nova Scotia, during the first world war. It's about a midwife, from her first birth experience, during a time when the "miracles of modern medicine" were making births "pain free" for women - meaning they missed the birth of their children.

It was a beautiful, wonderful book, dealing with homeopathy, turning a breech baby and other common "problems" with birth. The main focus of the book was the struggle for women to be able to choose how they birth their child - at home when possible.

I find it interesting that this same discussion is happening now as more and more doulas and midwives are fighting for hospital privileges, as more and more women are looking for alternatives to a hospital birth, and as the medial system is (finally) realizing that midwives could take a lot of strain off of the medical system.

I admit with Hana I was scared to give birth. When I found out she was breech I was almost relieved because I had been so scared of what could happen - of an episiotomy, of the pain, of forceps and epidural. At least with a section I knew what would happen.

Now that I've spent more time reading about birth, I've come to realize that pregnancy is not cause for medical intervention. Birth is not a medical procedure. Yes, there are times when intervention are needed, and medical advances have kept so many mothers and babies safe, but for most women, these things aren't needed.

I'm so looking forward to my next birth. If the laws in Canada were different it would be a home birth, but having had a c-section that's not possible. I will trust my body, I will endure the pain, and, hopefully, I will bring my child into the world in whatever position makes it easiest for it to happen.

This was a wonderful, sweet, sad and empowering book. I highly recommend it (and if anyone in Calgary wants to borrow it just let me know!)


(P.S. I also found it quite humorous that at the same time as adressing the "evils" of masturbation, one of the "cures" for the "neurosis" that happened to women was a weekly treatment by a trained obstetrician that lead to orgasm...or at home with the use of a battery powered vibrator.)