The other night I was introduced as a wife. It made me want to giggle and such, I felt wonderful, if not a little childish. Sometimes I don't feel I fit this role, it seems so much bigger than I am, so much older than I am, but most of the time, actually, even when I feel I don't fit, it still feels perfect.
In life we all have many roles that change and move, but some stay. Even though I'm "all grown up" I am still my mother and father's little girl, I'm still my grandmother's little doll, I'm still like a sister to childhood friends. It's amazing, and wonderful, how some things never change.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
The Rest of My Life....
It's been a while since I've posted/ranted/typed anything because, well, life got a little crazy, and for the past few weeks I havn't really had internet access.
As of May 7th, I am Mrs. Benjamin Perry. It's a good feeling. I'm also done Bethany, finished classes and school work and such, at least for now.
And the only thing odd about the whole thing is that it doesn't feel odd at all. My husband and I were talking about that while on our honeymoon. We had both expected to feel this big change, to feel different, both because of graduation and because of the wedding, but we didn't. It was completely natural, comepletely right feeling, and good. Although I still don't think that being done school has sunk in.
So now what? We're floating til the end of the month and then heading to Calgary. That is going to be the biggest change, I'll talk about that later (oh yeah, building suspence).
So far I'm liking the rest of my life, hopefully it will continue being this good.
As of May 7th, I am Mrs. Benjamin Perry. It's a good feeling. I'm also done Bethany, finished classes and school work and such, at least for now.
And the only thing odd about the whole thing is that it doesn't feel odd at all. My husband and I were talking about that while on our honeymoon. We had both expected to feel this big change, to feel different, both because of graduation and because of the wedding, but we didn't. It was completely natural, comepletely right feeling, and good. Although I still don't think that being done school has sunk in.
So now what? We're floating til the end of the month and then heading to Calgary. That is going to be the biggest change, I'll talk about that later (oh yeah, building suspence).
So far I'm liking the rest of my life, hopefully it will continue being this good.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Inanimate objects
The post under the 18th didn't show up yesterday, and in fact didn't show up today until I posted my new one.
That's all I have to say about that
That's all I have to say about that
Loving People
I've been thinking about loving people a lot. So much so, in fact, that this is my second time writing this (I'll deal with my hatred of inanimate objects at a later date).
I was thinking about God's love, how amazing, huge, unfathonable it is. And what do we do with it? We say thank you, get all mushy, and then go on as if nothing has changed.
Ok, that was a little too general, but still, are other peoples lives different because I have experienced the love of God? I know mine is, but is that it, am I saved only for myself, or has God allowed me to experience this richness, the vastness of who He is for something that goes beyond just who I am?
I want to love people. I want to truly love and apriciate and affirm and challenge those around me. And not just the ones who love back, the ones who hate me, ignore me, theones that drive me crazy. And I don't even want to do it so they'll feel bad or maybe be nice to me. I want to do it because I have experienced the love of God, and I can think of no other way to respond.
Responding to love can be hard. Love is free, so you can't say you have to respond a certain way, that makes it sound conditional. But really, when you have been loved, how can you not love back?
I was thinking about God's love, how amazing, huge, unfathonable it is. And what do we do with it? We say thank you, get all mushy, and then go on as if nothing has changed.
Ok, that was a little too general, but still, are other peoples lives different because I have experienced the love of God? I know mine is, but is that it, am I saved only for myself, or has God allowed me to experience this richness, the vastness of who He is for something that goes beyond just who I am?
I want to love people. I want to truly love and apriciate and affirm and challenge those around me. And not just the ones who love back, the ones who hate me, ignore me, theones that drive me crazy. And I don't even want to do it so they'll feel bad or maybe be nice to me. I want to do it because I have experienced the love of God, and I can think of no other way to respond.
Responding to love can be hard. Love is free, so you can't say you have to respond a certain way, that makes it sound conditional. But really, when you have been loved, how can you not love back?
Monday, April 18, 2005
About Loving People
One thing that I've learned during my time in college has been how to love other people. I was a very selfish person at one point in my life. I had a hard time doing something for someone else unless I knew there would be some personal benefit. Of course, I was able to justify this and convince myself it was completely normal, but that only lasted so long.
Sometimes it's hard to love other people. Sometimes it's hard not to leave the room when certain people enter it, sometimes its hard not to say things that really should not even have been thought, sometimes it's hard to listen to someone else and deal with their issues when really you just want to deal with your own. But everyone learns how to love, and these things are not such an issue.
Except when other people, the people you are trying to love, don't know the rules. The thought comes in that really if no one else is looking out for our rights and no one else is trying to do what's best for us, then we should step back in and make sure all is how it should be.
But that is not how it is supposed to work. God says to follow Him, Jesus is the example, and He gave Himself to the point of death. So even if the person we are trying to love asks us to die for them we must comply.
How many people have you died for lately? How many people have I died for lately. I still have trouble sometimes taking the dog out when my mother asks me. It really puts things into perspective, my petty little issues seem even more so as I consider what God has done for me, and then what He requires of me.
Would the world be different if we all learned how to love like this? Would lives change if they realized the true cost of love? I'm not talking about the world, I'm talking about those within the Church, those who have experienced the perfect love of the sacrifice of Jesus. Do they realize what that love costs, and the high cost of accepting it. No, there are no "requirements" on the love of God, it is not conditional. But how can a person honestly accept such a sacrifice and not respond properly.
Love, true love, will change the world. And I want to be a part of that
Sometimes it's hard to love other people. Sometimes it's hard not to leave the room when certain people enter it, sometimes its hard not to say things that really should not even have been thought, sometimes it's hard to listen to someone else and deal with their issues when really you just want to deal with your own. But everyone learns how to love, and these things are not such an issue.
Except when other people, the people you are trying to love, don't know the rules. The thought comes in that really if no one else is looking out for our rights and no one else is trying to do what's best for us, then we should step back in and make sure all is how it should be.
But that is not how it is supposed to work. God says to follow Him, Jesus is the example, and He gave Himself to the point of death. So even if the person we are trying to love asks us to die for them we must comply.
How many people have you died for lately? How many people have I died for lately. I still have trouble sometimes taking the dog out when my mother asks me. It really puts things into perspective, my petty little issues seem even more so as I consider what God has done for me, and then what He requires of me.
Would the world be different if we all learned how to love like this? Would lives change if they realized the true cost of love? I'm not talking about the world, I'm talking about those within the Church, those who have experienced the perfect love of the sacrifice of Jesus. Do they realize what that love costs, and the high cost of accepting it. No, there are no "requirements" on the love of God, it is not conditional. But how can a person honestly accept such a sacrifice and not respond properly.
Love, true love, will change the world. And I want to be a part of that
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Nearing the End
A lot of things in my life are almost done. I'm almost graduated. I'm almost married. I'm almost ready to move. But not yet. Not quite. It's almost as though I'm standing at the top of a cliff, ready to jump, excited, anxious, wanting to just see it all happen.
but i'm not there yet
I need to remember that, remember where I am, remember that I need to be here, that I can grow here and learn here and help people here.
It's hard to be where I am when I'm so close to something else, something that I've been waiting for so long.
But I am here, I am in school, I am engaged, and I am in New Brunswick. In a few months I'll be mising all of this (well, maybe not the engaged part), and so I will try to get the most out of it I can
but i'm not there yet
I need to remember that, remember where I am, remember that I need to be here, that I can grow here and learn here and help people here.
It's hard to be where I am when I'm so close to something else, something that I've been waiting for so long.
But I am here, I am in school, I am engaged, and I am in New Brunswick. In a few months I'll be mising all of this (well, maybe not the engaged part), and so I will try to get the most out of it I can
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Spur me
I have a pet peeve. Ok, I have more than one, but I promise to keep this on topic, at least for the most part.
I hate fluffyness. The fluffy God that doesn't care what you do, the fluffy religion that has no requirements, the fluffy Christians that let you get away with anything. (note: legalism is also a pet peeve of mine, keep reading, I make a point)
Know what, in the Bible, Jesus asked people to change, and those who followed Him were told to keep one another accountable. Yes, God loves everyone, no matter what they do. But to take that love and not respond to it in action is....well, just not right.
I have a habit of speaking my mind. Over the years, I've learned that there is more than one way to clearly state what I mean, and so I can usually still get my point across without causing any harm or regrets. However, when it comes to "spurring" on another Christian (have you seen spurs?) I usually end up feeling like I should feel guilty, or checking myself to see if I'm being legalistic or "holier than thou".
Really tho, honestly and truly (and if you can prove me wrong on this, please do), I believe that if there is a Christian I see doing something that is obviously wrong and it's clear they know it (let's say, lying, stealing, sleeping around), then I will probably speak to them about it. Not scold them, not tell them off, but defiantly rebuke them. Why do I feel I have a right to do this? Because they have the right to do the same to me.
We may not like it when someone else tells us what we already know. We may want to justify ourselves or say it's none of their business, but really, honestly, we need to get over it. If we are sinning we need to stop, and the sooner we do that, the better.
I think this is something that needs to change within Christianity. I'm sure every hypocrite that has been exposed by the world could have (should have) been brought aside by a Christian brother or sister and rebuked, helped and encouraged before the problem got out of hand and our God was made to look bad (because really, that's the end result)
So if I am doing something I shouldn't be, please, tell me about it. I'm not saying I'll like it, or even that I'll respond positively (at least immediately), but I will appreciate it. And I'll do the same for you? Deal?
I hate fluffyness. The fluffy God that doesn't care what you do, the fluffy religion that has no requirements, the fluffy Christians that let you get away with anything. (note: legalism is also a pet peeve of mine, keep reading, I make a point)
Know what, in the Bible, Jesus asked people to change, and those who followed Him were told to keep one another accountable. Yes, God loves everyone, no matter what they do. But to take that love and not respond to it in action is....well, just not right.
I have a habit of speaking my mind. Over the years, I've learned that there is more than one way to clearly state what I mean, and so I can usually still get my point across without causing any harm or regrets. However, when it comes to "spurring" on another Christian (have you seen spurs?) I usually end up feeling like I should feel guilty, or checking myself to see if I'm being legalistic or "holier than thou".
Really tho, honestly and truly (and if you can prove me wrong on this, please do), I believe that if there is a Christian I see doing something that is obviously wrong and it's clear they know it (let's say, lying, stealing, sleeping around), then I will probably speak to them about it. Not scold them, not tell them off, but defiantly rebuke them. Why do I feel I have a right to do this? Because they have the right to do the same to me.
We may not like it when someone else tells us what we already know. We may want to justify ourselves or say it's none of their business, but really, honestly, we need to get over it. If we are sinning we need to stop, and the sooner we do that, the better.
I think this is something that needs to change within Christianity. I'm sure every hypocrite that has been exposed by the world could have (should have) been brought aside by a Christian brother or sister and rebuked, helped and encouraged before the problem got out of hand and our God was made to look bad (because really, that's the end result)
So if I am doing something I shouldn't be, please, tell me about it. I'm not saying I'll like it, or even that I'll respond positively (at least immediately), but I will appreciate it. And I'll do the same for you? Deal?
Monday, March 28, 2005
Things on my mind when I should be asleep
I'm going to share quite a bit about myself right now. Thankfully, it seems few read my blog, and so I'm not too worried about what anyone would think. Not that there are things in my life I am hiding or am ashamed of, but I know the picture people have of me is not entirely accurate.
I used to think of myself as a contradiction, there were parts of me that did not seem to fit together. For a long time I thought that made me different, odd, even horrible. Now I see that in reality I was just a teenager, different like everyone else. I did not know who I was, what I was capable of, who I would become.
Funny thing is, a few years later I'm no better off. I've learned from more mistakes, met more amazing people, but I'm still not sure who I am, where I fit in this whole thing. It's not a question of what I'm supposed to do (at least in the general sense), odd thing is I've got that down. But who am I?
I always hate those quizzes that ask a bunch of random questions about favorite things. I can't choose favorites. I have multiple best friends. I listen to almost ever style of music. I watch almost any type of movie that comes out. I can't do favorites, I can't pick something over something else. For a moment I might like it better, but then I know that will change.
That's how I feel about myself sometimes. I feel as though I'm still constantly changing, always moving from one personality box to another. There are people who know me in one context that would describe me in a completely different way than people who know me in another context (as an example, my future inlaws once called me "quiet"). Does this mean I have a problem? That I am not being consistent?
That's something I struggled with for a while, but then I came to the conclusion that there is too much of me to happen all at once. Those who really know me see it all, but some people only see one part.
unfortunately, it seems I don't always have control over which aspect of Stephanie people are seeing.
Not that there is a certain image I want to portray, but I do truly want people to know me. I want to be open, I want to share my life with others, and yet at the same time I know that sometimes people will see a part of me and not like it, no matter what part it is, and that could be the end of it.
And I have to ask myself, do I do the same thing? I try not to make judgments about people, try not to put them into a box (I hate boxes, no one ever fits anyway), but there are those inevitable "feelings" I get about people.
There are people I have gone to school with for 4 years that I do not know beyond an acquaintance, and have not made much effort to know just because I have a feeling we wouldn't get along or couldn't connect or some odd ideal like that. No basis for it what so ever. And I have a feeling some of them have done the same with me (or maybe I'm the only one with that tendency)
so now what? I'm rambling about wanting to share myself with people, and then confessing my tendency to write people off. Another contradiction, but one I can (hopefully) fix.
I used to think of myself as a contradiction, there were parts of me that did not seem to fit together. For a long time I thought that made me different, odd, even horrible. Now I see that in reality I was just a teenager, different like everyone else. I did not know who I was, what I was capable of, who I would become.
Funny thing is, a few years later I'm no better off. I've learned from more mistakes, met more amazing people, but I'm still not sure who I am, where I fit in this whole thing. It's not a question of what I'm supposed to do (at least in the general sense), odd thing is I've got that down. But who am I?
I always hate those quizzes that ask a bunch of random questions about favorite things. I can't choose favorites. I have multiple best friends. I listen to almost ever style of music. I watch almost any type of movie that comes out. I can't do favorites, I can't pick something over something else. For a moment I might like it better, but then I know that will change.
That's how I feel about myself sometimes. I feel as though I'm still constantly changing, always moving from one personality box to another. There are people who know me in one context that would describe me in a completely different way than people who know me in another context (as an example, my future inlaws once called me "quiet"). Does this mean I have a problem? That I am not being consistent?
That's something I struggled with for a while, but then I came to the conclusion that there is too much of me to happen all at once. Those who really know me see it all, but some people only see one part.
unfortunately, it seems I don't always have control over which aspect of Stephanie people are seeing.
Not that there is a certain image I want to portray, but I do truly want people to know me. I want to be open, I want to share my life with others, and yet at the same time I know that sometimes people will see a part of me and not like it, no matter what part it is, and that could be the end of it.
And I have to ask myself, do I do the same thing? I try not to make judgments about people, try not to put them into a box (I hate boxes, no one ever fits anyway), but there are those inevitable "feelings" I get about people.
There are people I have gone to school with for 4 years that I do not know beyond an acquaintance, and have not made much effort to know just because I have a feeling we wouldn't get along or couldn't connect or some odd ideal like that. No basis for it what so ever. And I have a feeling some of them have done the same with me (or maybe I'm the only one with that tendency)
so now what? I'm rambling about wanting to share myself with people, and then confessing my tendency to write people off. Another contradiction, but one I can (hopefully) fix.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Holding the hand of a dying man
I had an interesting experience this past week. My grandfather had been ill since Christmas, was hospitalized the beginning of March, and was laid to rest today. Last Friday I got a call from my mother, saying I should go home so I could see him.
I spent the weekend in the hospital. More for my grandmother's comfort than that of my grandfather. He was barely awake, let alone conscious, but still I sat with him, held his hand, spoke softly too him.
It's an interesting experience, being with someone who is dying. I don't know how to describe it really. Sad, but not tragic, not horrible. As a pastor it will be something I'm sure I'll encounter again.
However, I was not there as a pastor, I was there as a granddaughter.
Life is an interesting thing. We live it, we enjoy it, we waste it, but in the end only one thing matters. My grandfather was a wonderful man. He was a unique person. http://www.canadaeast.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050324/TSNEWS21/203240396/-1/TSNEWS . But of all his deeds, all his accomplishments, one stands out. A few days before his death, he asked my grandmother if God would forgive an old sinner like him.
It amazes me, astounds me and blesses me that God would take a person at the end of his life and still accept him. I know my grandfather, he had no intention of "cheating" God, of making a commitment at the last moment. No, as he looked back over the life that he lived, the life that all who know him enjoy talking about, he knew there was something wrong, something that needed to be fixed.
and he fixed it.
So as I held the hand of this dying man, I felt peace and comfort, I sang praises to God. His life continues now in paradise, he is at rest.
I spent the weekend in the hospital. More for my grandmother's comfort than that of my grandfather. He was barely awake, let alone conscious, but still I sat with him, held his hand, spoke softly too him.
It's an interesting experience, being with someone who is dying. I don't know how to describe it really. Sad, but not tragic, not horrible. As a pastor it will be something I'm sure I'll encounter again.
However, I was not there as a pastor, I was there as a granddaughter.
Life is an interesting thing. We live it, we enjoy it, we waste it, but in the end only one thing matters. My grandfather was a wonderful man. He was a unique person. http://www.canadaeast.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050324/TSNEWS21/203240396/-1/TSNEWS . But of all his deeds, all his accomplishments, one stands out. A few days before his death, he asked my grandmother if God would forgive an old sinner like him.
It amazes me, astounds me and blesses me that God would take a person at the end of his life and still accept him. I know my grandfather, he had no intention of "cheating" God, of making a commitment at the last moment. No, as he looked back over the life that he lived, the life that all who know him enjoy talking about, he knew there was something wrong, something that needed to be fixed.
and he fixed it.
So as I held the hand of this dying man, I felt peace and comfort, I sang praises to God. His life continues now in paradise, he is at rest.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Driving with God
I was in a car last night with a friend, driving back to school from home. We were chatting, there was music on, just us and the road.
then God showed up.
I don't know how i t happened. We weren't specifically talking about anything spiritual, just sharing stories, feelings, experiences, life. But there was no denying the presence of God in that car on that road. I felt comforted, at peace, uplifted, changed and blessed.
I thought about it afterword for a while, and realized that it shouldn't have suprised me. God has promised to be with us. When we talk about becomming a Christian, we talk about "asking Jesus into our heart". So why are we so suprised that God keeps His word, why are we so amazed that he acutally shows up?
Actually, I think amazed is the right way to be. How can we not be amazed that God Almighty, creator and sustainer of the universe dwells with us and is in our lives. However, we should't be suprised when it happens, only humbled and aware of the great blessing and love of God
then God showed up.
I don't know how i t happened. We weren't specifically talking about anything spiritual, just sharing stories, feelings, experiences, life. But there was no denying the presence of God in that car on that road. I felt comforted, at peace, uplifted, changed and blessed.
I thought about it afterword for a while, and realized that it shouldn't have suprised me. God has promised to be with us. When we talk about becomming a Christian, we talk about "asking Jesus into our heart". So why are we so suprised that God keeps His word, why are we so amazed that he acutally shows up?
Actually, I think amazed is the right way to be. How can we not be amazed that God Almighty, creator and sustainer of the universe dwells with us and is in our lives. However, we should't be suprised when it happens, only humbled and aware of the great blessing and love of God
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
On Passion
I would normally consider myself a pasionate person. Most people who know me, and probably all who know me well, would most likely agree. I get excited about things, I get emptional, I like to experience as much as there is to experience in any situation.
There are other people even more passionate than me, people who's every word drips with meaning and desie and emotion. Their every action is motivated by the object of their devotion, be it an idea, a task, a person, anything.
Is it possible to live continuously at that level of passion? Is passion more than just a response to an emotional desire.
I think of children. There are times when a child will be so consumed with passion for their parent that he or she will burst into heartfealt sobs if the parent tries to leave their side. This is no emotional manipulation (sometimes), it is the result of their passionate love and devotion to that parent. However, there are other times when a parent could be trying (even to the point of bribing) that same child for any sign of affection or any bit of attention.
Does that mean that the passion the child has for the love of the parent is only a temporary thing?
I think of my relationship with my fiance (67 days to the wedding). I am passionately in love with him, there are days when I can not get him out of my thoughts, when I feel the only way I will be content is to see his smile, to be close to him. There are other days when I don't have that same desire to see and experience him, but I feel just as passionately in love.
So what is passion? Must we be continually in a state of exaustive and despterate emotion in order to say that we are passionate about something?
I am passionate about God. There are times when I can not take abreath without saying a prayer of thanks for the very fact that I am alive. Other times, I don't nesicarily feel my passion. THere were times when I would punish myself and feel horrible for having lost my passion for God. Then it would return, and all would be right in the world.
My perspective is changing. Perhaps it is not always necisary to feel such extreme emotion in order to be passionate about something. My devotion, my intense love, my passion (minus the emotion of which) does not change. I just find it near impossible to sustain such a heightened emotional response for any length of time.
There are other people even more passionate than me, people who's every word drips with meaning and desie and emotion. Their every action is motivated by the object of their devotion, be it an idea, a task, a person, anything.
Is it possible to live continuously at that level of passion? Is passion more than just a response to an emotional desire.
I think of children. There are times when a child will be so consumed with passion for their parent that he or she will burst into heartfealt sobs if the parent tries to leave their side. This is no emotional manipulation (sometimes), it is the result of their passionate love and devotion to that parent. However, there are other times when a parent could be trying (even to the point of bribing) that same child for any sign of affection or any bit of attention.
Does that mean that the passion the child has for the love of the parent is only a temporary thing?
I think of my relationship with my fiance (67 days to the wedding). I am passionately in love with him, there are days when I can not get him out of my thoughts, when I feel the only way I will be content is to see his smile, to be close to him. There are other days when I don't have that same desire to see and experience him, but I feel just as passionately in love.
So what is passion? Must we be continually in a state of exaustive and despterate emotion in order to say that we are passionate about something?
I am passionate about God. There are times when I can not take abreath without saying a prayer of thanks for the very fact that I am alive. Other times, I don't nesicarily feel my passion. THere were times when I would punish myself and feel horrible for having lost my passion for God. Then it would return, and all would be right in the world.
My perspective is changing. Perhaps it is not always necisary to feel such extreme emotion in order to be passionate about something. My devotion, my intense love, my passion (minus the emotion of which) does not change. I just find it near impossible to sustain such a heightened emotional response for any length of time.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
The Mystery of Friendships
I spent some time with a bunch of friends last night and it was wonderful. The most wonderful thing about it was that there is really no reason for us to be friends. I looked around at the group of wonderful women I was with, and realize that there is nothing tying us together except for a genuine love of eachother.
Let me explain.
We all have those friends that we have because our parents were friends. Those are friends you are given. Yes, I understand that there comes a point when one must decide to keep the friendship (and it is always tragic when the other friend does not make the same effort), but for the most part, that is a frienship that just is.
Then there are those friends that you have had forever. These (i think) are the best kind, especially because at some point they move from being a friendship to being a true family relationship. There are friends I have in my life that I don't consider friends, I consider them family. They see sides of me that other friends would never see, I can be freeer with them. There is, however, a downside to this, if I am free in my expression with them, or they with me, there is a chance of becomming rude, or of taking advantage of their emotion or vice versa. We only hurt the ones we love, and we can hurt no one like family.
There are other friends that you have by mutual association. School friends, work friends, activity friends. These are people that you are comepletely comfortable with in certain settings. Outise of those settings, it gets a little uncomfortable.
I have friends in all of these areas, but the friends that I was with last night are diferent. On the outside, it looks like we're just activity friends, school friends or something like that. But the relationship we have goes deeper. We are getting to know eachother on a different level, we are not at the point where we can deeply wound eachother, but we can certainly bless and encourage one another on a level that other friends can not.
In a few months, I'll be leaving and there will be some people I will inevitably loose contact with. However, for this time, right now, they are amazing people to me, and I am extremely grateful.
Let me explain.
We all have those friends that we have because our parents were friends. Those are friends you are given. Yes, I understand that there comes a point when one must decide to keep the friendship (and it is always tragic when the other friend does not make the same effort), but for the most part, that is a frienship that just is.
Then there are those friends that you have had forever. These (i think) are the best kind, especially because at some point they move from being a friendship to being a true family relationship. There are friends I have in my life that I don't consider friends, I consider them family. They see sides of me that other friends would never see, I can be freeer with them. There is, however, a downside to this, if I am free in my expression with them, or they with me, there is a chance of becomming rude, or of taking advantage of their emotion or vice versa. We only hurt the ones we love, and we can hurt no one like family.
There are other friends that you have by mutual association. School friends, work friends, activity friends. These are people that you are comepletely comfortable with in certain settings. Outise of those settings, it gets a little uncomfortable.
I have friends in all of these areas, but the friends that I was with last night are diferent. On the outside, it looks like we're just activity friends, school friends or something like that. But the relationship we have goes deeper. We are getting to know eachother on a different level, we are not at the point where we can deeply wound eachother, but we can certainly bless and encourage one another on a level that other friends can not.
In a few months, I'll be leaving and there will be some people I will inevitably loose contact with. However, for this time, right now, they are amazing people to me, and I am extremely grateful.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Growing Up
In a few months I am going to be experiencing a lot of life changes. I will graduate with a BA, I will get married, I will move accros the country for a job. In other words, I will grow up.
So what does that really mean? I'm already an adult, and while I will technically be older at the end of all those changes than I was at the beginning, no real time will have passed. I don't think there will be many changes in my personality either, at least I hope not.
What is growing up? When does it happen and what does it look like? These are questions I have found myself asking quite frequently as I start to realize all the things that will be changing. I think it cold be fear that certian parts of my personality - my playfulness and prusuit of the positive and the humerous - will have to be cut out, or at least toned down.
Part of it could have to do with the nature of my vocation. I am going to be a pastor. I've already been told by a few people that I don't seem like a pastor (which I have taken as a compliment), but at the same time there are certain expectations that I will need to live up to. There is a certain maturity and ammount of leadership and credibility that is expected.
However, those are both very internal things. It's unfortunate that people are very bad at evaluating the internal, except through using external evidence. They should learn the secret of the fox "the important things can only be seen with the heart" (the little prince). I know there will be a certain image that I will need to portray, at least in some situations. However, if it is only an image, and not truly who I am, than it is worthless, a lie, and will be found out eventually anyway.
So truly, there will need to be a change in me, or perhaps not. I could, at this very moment, be just as mature and just as capable of leading as I will be when I graduate, get married, and take the position as a pastor. Could it be that there is no change needed at all, but that I only need to assume these roles using the characteristics I already posess. This would definatly be a much beter option.
The basis for this questioning is the changes I have seen in friends of mine as they have gone through similar experiences. They have changed, so much to the point that they are no longer the people I knew. Was their former life so horrible that it all needed to be abandoned for this new life? Which was the farce, their poersonality before, or that now? I do not want people to be asking the same questions about me.
So what does that really mean? I'm already an adult, and while I will technically be older at the end of all those changes than I was at the beginning, no real time will have passed. I don't think there will be many changes in my personality either, at least I hope not.
What is growing up? When does it happen and what does it look like? These are questions I have found myself asking quite frequently as I start to realize all the things that will be changing. I think it cold be fear that certian parts of my personality - my playfulness and prusuit of the positive and the humerous - will have to be cut out, or at least toned down.
Part of it could have to do with the nature of my vocation. I am going to be a pastor. I've already been told by a few people that I don't seem like a pastor (which I have taken as a compliment), but at the same time there are certain expectations that I will need to live up to. There is a certain maturity and ammount of leadership and credibility that is expected.
However, those are both very internal things. It's unfortunate that people are very bad at evaluating the internal, except through using external evidence. They should learn the secret of the fox "the important things can only be seen with the heart" (the little prince). I know there will be a certain image that I will need to portray, at least in some situations. However, if it is only an image, and not truly who I am, than it is worthless, a lie, and will be found out eventually anyway.
So truly, there will need to be a change in me, or perhaps not. I could, at this very moment, be just as mature and just as capable of leading as I will be when I graduate, get married, and take the position as a pastor. Could it be that there is no change needed at all, but that I only need to assume these roles using the characteristics I already posess. This would definatly be a much beter option.
The basis for this questioning is the changes I have seen in friends of mine as they have gone through similar experiences. They have changed, so much to the point that they are no longer the people I knew. Was their former life so horrible that it all needed to be abandoned for this new life? Which was the farce, their poersonality before, or that now? I do not want people to be asking the same questions about me.
Monday, February 21, 2005
What is this all about anyway
Blogging is something that I have heartfeltly avoided for the past few years. For a time, I had an online diary which was very similar to a blog, but it soon lost its novelty. The reason I stayed away from blogging is because message boards and random conversations had satisfied my need to share my thoughts with random people. But now time is hard to come by, and I'm actually seeing the merit of blogging, for those who read, it can offer great insight. I hope to offer insight, but if not, well, at least I might be able to cause a laugh here or there.
I suppose I should make some inital comments about who I am. I'm almost done college, I'm almost married, I'm almost out in the real-world. I guess I can say that I'm looking forward to all of those things, but I am not just living in the future. I am a student, and, as much as I want to be done, I am enjoying it.
As for these thoughts, I don't know where they will go. I have a habit of being very contemplative, of getting lost in things. I had always thought that I had a way of thinking differntly, and now I'm realizing that there are many other people who think the same way I do (the label we've been given is post-modern, but what does that mean anyway?), so hopefully at least one person out there will enjoy it.
Welcome to my blog, enjoy your stay. React to me however you want, I can take it...
I suppose I should make some inital comments about who I am. I'm almost done college, I'm almost married, I'm almost out in the real-world. I guess I can say that I'm looking forward to all of those things, but I am not just living in the future. I am a student, and, as much as I want to be done, I am enjoying it.
As for these thoughts, I don't know where they will go. I have a habit of being very contemplative, of getting lost in things. I had always thought that I had a way of thinking differntly, and now I'm realizing that there are many other people who think the same way I do (the label we've been given is post-modern, but what does that mean anyway?), so hopefully at least one person out there will enjoy it.
Welcome to my blog, enjoy your stay. React to me however you want, I can take it...
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