I'm going to share quite a bit about myself right now. Thankfully, it seems few read my blog, and so I'm not too worried about what anyone would think. Not that there are things in my life I am hiding or am ashamed of, but I know the picture people have of me is not entirely accurate.
I used to think of myself as a contradiction, there were parts of me that did not seem to fit together. For a long time I thought that made me different, odd, even horrible. Now I see that in reality I was just a teenager, different like everyone else. I did not know who I was, what I was capable of, who I would become.
Funny thing is, a few years later I'm no better off. I've learned from more mistakes, met more amazing people, but I'm still not sure who I am, where I fit in this whole thing. It's not a question of what I'm supposed to do (at least in the general sense), odd thing is I've got that down. But who am I?
I always hate those quizzes that ask a bunch of random questions about favorite things. I can't choose favorites. I have multiple best friends. I listen to almost ever style of music. I watch almost any type of movie that comes out. I can't do favorites, I can't pick something over something else. For a moment I might like it better, but then I know that will change.
That's how I feel about myself sometimes. I feel as though I'm still constantly changing, always moving from one personality box to another. There are people who know me in one context that would describe me in a completely different way than people who know me in another context (as an example, my future inlaws once called me "quiet"). Does this mean I have a problem? That I am not being consistent?
That's something I struggled with for a while, but then I came to the conclusion that there is too much of me to happen all at once. Those who really know me see it all, but some people only see one part.
unfortunately, it seems I don't always have control over which aspect of Stephanie people are seeing.
Not that there is a certain image I want to portray, but I do truly want people to know me. I want to be open, I want to share my life with others, and yet at the same time I know that sometimes people will see a part of me and not like it, no matter what part it is, and that could be the end of it.
And I have to ask myself, do I do the same thing? I try not to make judgments about people, try not to put them into a box (I hate boxes, no one ever fits anyway), but there are those inevitable "feelings" I get about people.
There are people I have gone to school with for 4 years that I do not know beyond an acquaintance, and have not made much effort to know just because I have a feeling we wouldn't get along or couldn't connect or some odd ideal like that. No basis for it what so ever. And I have a feeling some of them have done the same with me (or maybe I'm the only one with that tendency)
so now what? I'm rambling about wanting to share myself with people, and then confessing my tendency to write people off. Another contradiction, but one I can (hopefully) fix.