Monday, March 28, 2005

Things on my mind when I should be asleep

I'm going to share quite a bit about myself right now. Thankfully, it seems few read my blog, and so I'm not too worried about what anyone would think. Not that there are things in my life I am hiding or am ashamed of, but I know the picture people have of me is not entirely accurate.

I used to think of myself as a contradiction, there were parts of me that did not seem to fit together. For a long time I thought that made me different, odd, even horrible. Now I see that in reality I was just a teenager, different like everyone else. I did not know who I was, what I was capable of, who I would become.

Funny thing is, a few years later I'm no better off. I've learned from more mistakes, met more amazing people, but I'm still not sure who I am, where I fit in this whole thing. It's not a question of what I'm supposed to do (at least in the general sense), odd thing is I've got that down. But who am I?

I always hate those quizzes that ask a bunch of random questions about favorite things. I can't choose favorites. I have multiple best friends. I listen to almost ever style of music. I watch almost any type of movie that comes out. I can't do favorites, I can't pick something over something else. For a moment I might like it better, but then I know that will change.

That's how I feel about myself sometimes. I feel as though I'm still constantly changing, always moving from one personality box to another. There are people who know me in one context that would describe me in a completely different way than people who know me in another context (as an example, my future inlaws once called me "quiet"). Does this mean I have a problem? That I am not being consistent?

That's something I struggled with for a while, but then I came to the conclusion that there is too much of me to happen all at once. Those who really know me see it all, but some people only see one part.

unfortunately, it seems I don't always have control over which aspect of Stephanie people are seeing.

Not that there is a certain image I want to portray, but I do truly want people to know me. I want to be open, I want to share my life with others, and yet at the same time I know that sometimes people will see a part of me and not like it, no matter what part it is, and that could be the end of it.

And I have to ask myself, do I do the same thing? I try not to make judgments about people, try not to put them into a box (I hate boxes, no one ever fits anyway), but there are those inevitable "feelings" I get about people.

There are people I have gone to school with for 4 years that I do not know beyond an acquaintance, and have not made much effort to know just because I have a feeling we wouldn't get along or couldn't connect or some odd ideal like that. No basis for it what so ever. And I have a feeling some of them have done the same with me (or maybe I'm the only one with that tendency)

so now what? I'm rambling about wanting to share myself with people, and then confessing my tendency to write people off. Another contradiction, but one I can (hopefully) fix.


matthew said...


Thanks for sharing your late night thoughts. I enjoyed them, especially this line:

"there is too much of me to happen all at once." :)

I think most people probably feel what you've expressed. We were told too often that you have to be the same person when you're alone and when you're in a crowd OR you're a hypocrite. Well, that's just not true. Of course you're the same PERSON, but you're not the SAME person. We wear many hats. Only lazy people don't.

I am assuming this is Steph W. Can I add you to my BBC blog link list?

Steph said...

sure matt, add me to the list. you have a good list, i've found a lot of people's blogs that way ;)

thanks for the note, and i like the distinction between beting the SAME person and the same PERSON. There are times when we need to express different parts of ourselves, and other times when we shoudln't

Julie said...

Well, it looks like I found you this time! I really liked what you had to say because I have felt this way as well. And I have just came to deal with the fact that I act different in a lot of situations and there is not just one certain Julie mold I am suppose to be. That is what makes it fun about being Julie! But also, I do not think I am being fake as some people might see it but then again who cares what anyone things because God knows my heart and everything so He knows why I do things I do and all that!
Keep on posting because I know I will be reading now that I have found ya!