Wow, what a month. It hasn't been easy. Actually, it was very stressful - I spent a lot of time in prayer, too much time very worried. In the end, I learned a lot.
I learned that just because you try really hard doesn't mean you'll succeed. I learned that no matter how strongly you believe in something that there are still times you need to compromise. I learned that things are not always all or nothing. I learned how strong I can be and what it means to put my child ahead of myself. I learned just how much fun a baby boy can be.
Eli got through the whole mess much better than I did. He never stopped grinning and giggling. In fact, he learned to belly laugh. He also grew. A lot. As of this morning he is 12lbs 6 oz - more than 3 lbs in one month! His growth has slowed a bit, which is good, it seems he's just about caught up to where he should be and we have the all clear from my doctor and don't need to go back until his 6 month check.
Eli is doing great. He's almost sitting. He's also reaching for things and gets such a proud look when he grabs on to something. He still loves to nurse to sleep, and has cut back to only one feeding a night. He's friendly, content, and loves to laugh. I'm so relieved, so glad he's gaining and that all is well. I can't wait to watch him over Christmas and see what this next month brings.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
THe good Life
Insert big sigh of relief here.
Hana has been going to bed much easier the last few days. We wrap her and she's out in a few minutes. Much better than the two hours of alternating screaming and being awake. Part of the problem was our expectations - getting her to sleep 7-7 just wasn't reasonable, especially if she was napping through the day. So we pushed bedtime back by an hour and a half and things are much smoother. She was going to sleep at that time anyway, so really the only difference is in how frustrated we get before hand.
Eli is growing so much now! He's like a different baby all of a sudden. I'm so so thankful that he's healthy.
So right now it's a little after 10 pm, both kids are asleep and I'm sitting on the couch spending time with my husband, watching him play a game. We're both relaxed, the house is reasonably clean, life is good.
After all the stress of the last couple of months this feels so good. I can think again. I can learn, I can interact.
I can also get so much more done! It's almost Christmas! hrm...maybe I'll get the decorations out....
Hana has been going to bed much easier the last few days. We wrap her and she's out in a few minutes. Much better than the two hours of alternating screaming and being awake. Part of the problem was our expectations - getting her to sleep 7-7 just wasn't reasonable, especially if she was napping through the day. So we pushed bedtime back by an hour and a half and things are much smoother. She was going to sleep at that time anyway, so really the only difference is in how frustrated we get before hand.
Eli is growing so much now! He's like a different baby all of a sudden. I'm so so thankful that he's healthy.
So right now it's a little after 10 pm, both kids are asleep and I'm sitting on the couch spending time with my husband, watching him play a game. We're both relaxed, the house is reasonably clean, life is good.
After all the stress of the last couple of months this feels so good. I can think again. I can learn, I can interact.
I can also get so much more done! It's almost Christmas! hrm...maybe I'll get the decorations out....
Monday, November 17, 2008
Updates
- Last Monday Eli weighed 9lbs 4 oz, today he weighed 11 lbs 10 oz. He's still under percentiles from where he was a birth (above 50th then, just below 25th now) but is doing much better. He has rolls now and a weeka go I could see his ribs. Praise God he's gaining and the issues we had didn't affect his development.
- Hana is going through a developmental spurt. She's talking in full sentences, beginning to tell stories and has learned to open doors and jump. As always these are exciting times, but they also cause an interruption in sleep for everyone.
- Ben's meds have made a huge difference. I have my husband back. We're able to relax together, to talk, to function as a family. There is much less stress in our lives right now. It's so good.
- I can't believe it's just over a month until Christmas and I haven't started playing Christmas music yet. Let's not even talk about Christmas shopping.
- Hana is going through a developmental spurt. She's talking in full sentences, beginning to tell stories and has learned to open doors and jump. As always these are exciting times, but they also cause an interruption in sleep for everyone.
- Ben's meds have made a huge difference. I have my husband back. We're able to relax together, to talk, to function as a family. There is much less stress in our lives right now. It's so good.
- I can't believe it's just over a month until Christmas and I haven't started playing Christmas music yet. Let's not even talk about Christmas shopping.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Drop Out
Once again I am a NaNoWriMo drop out. With Eli being so underweight until recently my time has not been my own - pumping, feeding, weight checks, prayer, worry, time with Hana, supplimenting, washing. It's been a struggle, but we're good now. I'll do an update after our appointment tomorrow, once I'm sure we're in the clear.
I've mentioned before how I'm an idealist. I see the world the way I think it should be. I've often joked with people that if everyone would just do things the way I think they should do things, the world would be a better place. Needless to say, I've gotten used to disappointment, and I know the world just won't work like that.
It's harder, however, when my own life doesn't live up to the ideals I've set. I want to be the parent whose child never throws a tantrum, is never left to cry alone. Who breastfeeds until the child is ready to stop. Who is always there to nurture, teach, gently discipline. I want to be the friend who is considerate, available, open. I want a clean house, a satisfied husband, a vibrant spiritual life.
My life lately has involved a two year old who hasn't gotten enough of my undivided attention, a 3 month old who had only gained a pound since birth because my breastmilk isn't enough to sustain him, let alone make him thrive. A husband who gladly works hard to provide for his family and then comes home to help out with the kids because I'm stressed out. I've pulled away from friends because I'm not comfortable with letting them see me failing - leftover insecurity that I just can't seem to get rid of. My spiritual life is no where near what I would like it to be, but has been exactly what I've needed to sustain me. In short, I'm not measuring up.
So I've had to let go of some things. And really I'm ok with that. I own my decisions, and I realize what I want is not always possible and sometimes isn't the right choice for my family. But it's still hard - hard to set aside the ideal, hard to admit to others that I'm not doing what I thought I'd do, that what is important to me just can't happen. I guess I'm more concerned about appearing a failure or a hypocrite than I am with living my life the way it needs to be lived. I'm ok with not being perfect, but it's still hard when the rest of the world finds out.
I've mentioned before how I'm an idealist. I see the world the way I think it should be. I've often joked with people that if everyone would just do things the way I think they should do things, the world would be a better place. Needless to say, I've gotten used to disappointment, and I know the world just won't work like that.
It's harder, however, when my own life doesn't live up to the ideals I've set. I want to be the parent whose child never throws a tantrum, is never left to cry alone. Who breastfeeds until the child is ready to stop. Who is always there to nurture, teach, gently discipline. I want to be the friend who is considerate, available, open. I want a clean house, a satisfied husband, a vibrant spiritual life.
My life lately has involved a two year old who hasn't gotten enough of my undivided attention, a 3 month old who had only gained a pound since birth because my breastmilk isn't enough to sustain him, let alone make him thrive. A husband who gladly works hard to provide for his family and then comes home to help out with the kids because I'm stressed out. I've pulled away from friends because I'm not comfortable with letting them see me failing - leftover insecurity that I just can't seem to get rid of. My spiritual life is no where near what I would like it to be, but has been exactly what I've needed to sustain me. In short, I'm not measuring up.
So I've had to let go of some things. And really I'm ok with that. I own my decisions, and I realize what I want is not always possible and sometimes isn't the right choice for my family. But it's still hard - hard to set aside the ideal, hard to admit to others that I'm not doing what I thought I'd do, that what is important to me just can't happen. I guess I'm more concerned about appearing a failure or a hypocrite than I am with living my life the way it needs to be lived. I'm ok with not being perfect, but it's still hard when the rest of the world finds out.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Lessons Learned
I've learned that just because you try really hard does not mean you'll succeed. I've also learned that sometimes succeeding isn't the most important thing.
Eli is now being fed formula. My poor son has only gained an ounce (30 grams) in the last month - and he had been underweight at that time too. We thought it was different things, we tried different things, but what it comes down to is he needs to eat. A combination of weak suck, low supply, and inadequate glandular tissue makes nursing exclusivly unrealistic for us. Even with meds, pumping every two hours, feeding every two hours and using a supplimental system we were unable to get enough into him.
It's hard, and heartbreaking, but not nearly as much as it was with Hana. I had much better support this time around. I had two wonderful LCs that I saw two or more times a week. I had family and friends I could talk to. And as much as I want to nurse him, it's more important that he grows and is healthy.
Eli weighs (as of yesterday) 9lbs 4oz. He's 3.5 months old. He's malnourished, and that has it's own concerns, tho we're pretty confident it hasn't (and won't) had an effect on his development. When the problem was discovered a month ago his small weight was an issue, but not a real problem. After trying everything we can and still not getting it up, it is a concern. I will be taking him for another weight check on Friday to make sure he is gaining and that there isn't a problem with his digestion or his ability to gain weight.
I"m still pumping 4 times a day and nursing for comfort (after a feeding to put him to sleep etc.). Pumping isn't very effective for me - even on the herbal suppliments and the domperidone I was only getting about 16 oz a day. He'll get one bottle of breast milk a day and the rest I will freeze. Now that I'm not taking the domperidone (which causes mood swings and depression for me) I know my supply will start to drop. By freezing my milk now I'm hoping he'll get at least some breast milk his whole first year. Not much, but some. I'll continue pumping until my milk is gone, hopefully at least until he's 6 months old.
Eli is now being fed formula. My poor son has only gained an ounce (30 grams) in the last month - and he had been underweight at that time too. We thought it was different things, we tried different things, but what it comes down to is he needs to eat. A combination of weak suck, low supply, and inadequate glandular tissue makes nursing exclusivly unrealistic for us. Even with meds, pumping every two hours, feeding every two hours and using a supplimental system we were unable to get enough into him.
It's hard, and heartbreaking, but not nearly as much as it was with Hana. I had much better support this time around. I had two wonderful LCs that I saw two or more times a week. I had family and friends I could talk to. And as much as I want to nurse him, it's more important that he grows and is healthy.
Eli weighs (as of yesterday) 9lbs 4oz. He's 3.5 months old. He's malnourished, and that has it's own concerns, tho we're pretty confident it hasn't (and won't) had an effect on his development. When the problem was discovered a month ago his small weight was an issue, but not a real problem. After trying everything we can and still not getting it up, it is a concern. I will be taking him for another weight check on Friday to make sure he is gaining and that there isn't a problem with his digestion or his ability to gain weight.
I"m still pumping 4 times a day and nursing for comfort (after a feeding to put him to sleep etc.). Pumping isn't very effective for me - even on the herbal suppliments and the domperidone I was only getting about 16 oz a day. He'll get one bottle of breast milk a day and the rest I will freeze. Now that I'm not taking the domperidone (which causes mood swings and depression for me) I know my supply will start to drop. By freezing my milk now I'm hoping he'll get at least some breast milk his whole first year. Not much, but some. I'll continue pumping until my milk is gone, hopefully at least until he's 6 months old.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Two
This time two years ago I was full of anticipation. I was waiting for Hana's birth - what it would be like when I got to the hospital, praying the surgery would go well, what she would look like, how I would handle those first few days.
We had a rocky start. Nothing went the way I had planned or hoped for. Thankfully everything was fine physically, but emotionally I was a wreck. My bond with Hana is one that didn't come easy - we both had to work for it, and it was so worth the effort. I wouldn't change anything that happened because what we went through made such a fundamental impact on who I am. Until I became a mother I had no idea how much one person could change my life, change who I am. Going through that rough time and having the relationship we have now assures me that we will make it through anything.
Hana is a light in my life. She's quirky, kind, sensitive, fun, loving. She's spirited, persistant, determined, creative and imaginative. She has a huge heart, an amazing mind and some of the oddest habits I have ever seen. Every day she makes me laugh, makes me thank God for how blessed I am to have her in my life.
Over the last year she's grown so much, she's a completely different child. She is a child now, not so much a baby any more. Last year she was getting up 3-5 times a night, now she puts herself to sleep and we usually don't hear a peep out of her until morning. She was just starting to self-feed finger foods and transitioning to a sippy cup, and now she's using open cups and feeds herself with utensils. She was just getting the hang of crawling and now she runs.
When I play with her and she grins at me and asks for a kiss, or when she's laying on the floor colouring, or even when she's in the middle of a fit and then realizes I'm there to help and she asks for a hug, I'm blown away. I never knew being a mother would be this good, that watching her grow up would be this conflicting. It makes my heart swell and break all at the same time knowing that each day she needs me less and less, but chooses to need me more and more.
We had a rocky start. Nothing went the way I had planned or hoped for. Thankfully everything was fine physically, but emotionally I was a wreck. My bond with Hana is one that didn't come easy - we both had to work for it, and it was so worth the effort. I wouldn't change anything that happened because what we went through made such a fundamental impact on who I am. Until I became a mother I had no idea how much one person could change my life, change who I am. Going through that rough time and having the relationship we have now assures me that we will make it through anything.
Hana is a light in my life. She's quirky, kind, sensitive, fun, loving. She's spirited, persistant, determined, creative and imaginative. She has a huge heart, an amazing mind and some of the oddest habits I have ever seen. Every day she makes me laugh, makes me thank God for how blessed I am to have her in my life.
Over the last year she's grown so much, she's a completely different child. She is a child now, not so much a baby any more. Last year she was getting up 3-5 times a night, now she puts herself to sleep and we usually don't hear a peep out of her until morning. She was just starting to self-feed finger foods and transitioning to a sippy cup, and now she's using open cups and feeds herself with utensils. She was just getting the hang of crawling and now she runs.
When I play with her and she grins at me and asks for a kiss, or when she's laying on the floor colouring, or even when she's in the middle of a fit and then realizes I'm there to help and she asks for a hug, I'm blown away. I never knew being a mother would be this good, that watching her grow up would be this conflicting. It makes my heart swell and break all at the same time knowing that each day she needs me less and less, but chooses to need me more and more.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Eli Update
I had another appointment with the LC yesterday. The bad news is that Eli hadn't gained. The good news is, we think we've figured out the problem.
Our guess is that he has developed a lazy suck. I have a very strong let-down, so he would gulp that down and be satisfied. At least, that's what used to work until he had his last growth spurt. Now he's not getting enough fatty milk because he's not working for it. As a result, my supply dropped and he stopped gaining weight. I also have odd anatomy that makes it hard for him to draw the milk out - even when it looks like he's latched properly he's not deep enough. That's also why I have such a hard time pumping.
So with the use of a larger shield, larger pump horn and a supplemental nursing system, we're trying to get his weight up. The good news is that so far I've been pumping more than he's needed for a supplement. I go back in on Monday to see if what we're doing is working. If not, I'll need to supplement more (and right now I have some in the freezer for that purpose) and perhaps get a referral to a pediatrician to see if there is another reason for his not gaining.
Be praying my supply increases quickly - medication isn't really a possibility for me in that area because it has odd side effects for me (extreme mood swings). I'm doing everything I can with herbal remedies, hopefully they'll work. Also be praying Eli starts gaining and we don't need to use formula.
Our guess is that he has developed a lazy suck. I have a very strong let-down, so he would gulp that down and be satisfied. At least, that's what used to work until he had his last growth spurt. Now he's not getting enough fatty milk because he's not working for it. As a result, my supply dropped and he stopped gaining weight. I also have odd anatomy that makes it hard for him to draw the milk out - even when it looks like he's latched properly he's not deep enough. That's also why I have such a hard time pumping.
So with the use of a larger shield, larger pump horn and a supplemental nursing system, we're trying to get his weight up. The good news is that so far I've been pumping more than he's needed for a supplement. I go back in on Monday to see if what we're doing is working. If not, I'll need to supplement more (and right now I have some in the freezer for that purpose) and perhaps get a referral to a pediatrician to see if there is another reason for his not gaining.
Be praying my supply increases quickly - medication isn't really a possibility for me in that area because it has odd side effects for me (extreme mood swings). I'm doing everything I can with herbal remedies, hopefully they'll work. Also be praying Eli starts gaining and we don't need to use formula.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Confessions
- I've been known to tuck toys under the couch instead of picking them up. Makes for less mess the next day, and Hana gets all excited when I finally dig them out months later.
- The TV is on for hours a day. There used to be no tv at all, but that was before the second child was born.
- I bribe Hana with my computer when I want a few minutes to myself.
- Eli's laundry doesn't really get folded, just folded in half once so it's not a complete mess when I throw it in his drawer.
- I get Ben to pick up take-out when my day doesn't leave me enough time to think about planning a meal, let alone cook one.
- I leave my browser open to my favorite sites so I can feel like I have time to read things that interest me, and to make it quicker to actually read them while Hana is distracted by above mentioned TV.
- Crackers, cheese and pickles sometimes passes as lunch.
- I keep Hana naked from the waist down most of the day and put her in a disposable for her nap so I have less diapers to wash.
- The TV is on for hours a day. There used to be no tv at all, but that was before the second child was born.
- I bribe Hana with my computer when I want a few minutes to myself.
- Eli's laundry doesn't really get folded, just folded in half once so it's not a complete mess when I throw it in his drawer.
- I get Ben to pick up take-out when my day doesn't leave me enough time to think about planning a meal, let alone cook one.
- I leave my browser open to my favorite sites so I can feel like I have time to read things that interest me, and to make it quicker to actually read them while Hana is distracted by above mentioned TV.
- Crackers, cheese and pickles sometimes passes as lunch.
- I keep Hana naked from the waist down most of the day and put her in a disposable for her nap so I have less diapers to wash.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Eli - three months
Time is flying by. If it weren't for the change of seasons I wouldn't believe he's three months old already.
Eli is doing great - he smiles and coos all day long. He loves his sister, and gives me the cutest grins while he's nursing. He sleeps great, all nestled close beside me, and has learned to love being on my back while Hana plays outside.
We had a trip tot he lactation consultant today because he's about 500 grams (a little over 1lbs) smaller than he should be. He has a great latch, and a strong suck, but doesn't like my heavy let-down. We had just weaned from the shield, but the LC recommends I keep using it to help fully empty my breast and boost my supply a bit. My hemoglobin was really low after he was born (so much that my mother was shocked they didn't transfuse me) and that has made it harder for my body to produce milk. I'm starting to take fenugreek and pump and hopefully by Friday we see some improvement.
The struggle with him gaining weight has been hard on me. After everything that happened with Hana it's just heartbreaking to think I can't feed him. A mother's job is to nourish her child, and it felt as though I was failing. The LC assured me that he is healthy, just small, and there are things we can do to fix it before it becomes a real problem. I know so much more this time around, and even if I do need to suppliment, I'll keep nursing him as long as I can.
Eli is doing great - he smiles and coos all day long. He loves his sister, and gives me the cutest grins while he's nursing. He sleeps great, all nestled close beside me, and has learned to love being on my back while Hana plays outside.
We had a trip tot he lactation consultant today because he's about 500 grams (a little over 1lbs) smaller than he should be. He has a great latch, and a strong suck, but doesn't like my heavy let-down. We had just weaned from the shield, but the LC recommends I keep using it to help fully empty my breast and boost my supply a bit. My hemoglobin was really low after he was born (so much that my mother was shocked they didn't transfuse me) and that has made it harder for my body to produce milk. I'm starting to take fenugreek and pump and hopefully by Friday we see some improvement.
The struggle with him gaining weight has been hard on me. After everything that happened with Hana it's just heartbreaking to think I can't feed him. A mother's job is to nourish her child, and it felt as though I was failing. The LC assured me that he is healthy, just small, and there are things we can do to fix it before it becomes a real problem. I know so much more this time around, and even if I do need to suppliment, I'll keep nursing him as long as I can.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Ranting and Raving
I'm not so happy with life right now. Hana has been banging around in her room for over an hour. SHe was up until 10 last night and awake at 6:45 this morning - the child is tired and will be a bear tonight if she doesn't sleep. But she doesn't sleep, story of my life. She's waking up at night again, I'm telling myself it's just teething, but really I'm wondering if I'll ever get a decent sleep.
Eli isn't gaining weight. In the last two weeks he hasn't even gained an ounce. He's content and nurses great, but he's not growing. I can't even feed my own child, do you know how heartbreaking that is. We're ging to see a LC tomorrow, and I'm hopeful that we'll figure out what's wrong and be able to fix it, but it just kills me to know he hasn't been getting enough and I didn't notice. I thought we were doing so well. I thought he was growing - clothes don't fit anymore, isn't that a good sign? There was no indication there was a problem, he was just small - so is the rest of my family! I can't believe how stupid I was not to realize it was a problem. I'm so broken over that.
I'm stuck in the house all the time. In the evenings Ben is tired and doesn't want to go anywhere, plus we have to get Hana to bed. On the weekends I'm so exhausted it's hard to do anything, and Ben would rather stay home anyway. I'm feeling isolated from people - the only time I really see anyone is when they come here, and that doesn't happen often. I want to get out, I want to get to know people. I don't want to have to rely on the internet for social interaction, it's not good for me.
I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I feel so guilty leaving both kids with Ben, even tho he tells me not to. And then there's such a mess that needs to be cleaned up when I get home it doesn't seem worth it. But I have the membership so I'm just wasing money. Good thing this month was free.
My house is a mess. I just can't stay on top of it lately. No, not that I can't, I just haven't been. Lazy.
I've been neglecting God. THings were going really great for a while, but just haven't happened lately. No time to myself, no time to htink, let alone ready, study, meditate, reflect.
And to top it all off, I know God is still there, still faithful, still seeing me through this all. With Ben's illness, and Hana's spirit, and Eli's weight, I'm so scared and worried and guilty and ashamed and God can still handle it all. And handle me. Comfort me, give me hope and get me through it. I just need to let Him.
Eli isn't gaining weight. In the last two weeks he hasn't even gained an ounce. He's content and nurses great, but he's not growing. I can't even feed my own child, do you know how heartbreaking that is. We're ging to see a LC tomorrow, and I'm hopeful that we'll figure out what's wrong and be able to fix it, but it just kills me to know he hasn't been getting enough and I didn't notice. I thought we were doing so well. I thought he was growing - clothes don't fit anymore, isn't that a good sign? There was no indication there was a problem, he was just small - so is the rest of my family! I can't believe how stupid I was not to realize it was a problem. I'm so broken over that.
I'm stuck in the house all the time. In the evenings Ben is tired and doesn't want to go anywhere, plus we have to get Hana to bed. On the weekends I'm so exhausted it's hard to do anything, and Ben would rather stay home anyway. I'm feeling isolated from people - the only time I really see anyone is when they come here, and that doesn't happen often. I want to get out, I want to get to know people. I don't want to have to rely on the internet for social interaction, it's not good for me.
I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I feel so guilty leaving both kids with Ben, even tho he tells me not to. And then there's such a mess that needs to be cleaned up when I get home it doesn't seem worth it. But I have the membership so I'm just wasing money. Good thing this month was free.
My house is a mess. I just can't stay on top of it lately. No, not that I can't, I just haven't been. Lazy.
I've been neglecting God. THings were going really great for a while, but just haven't happened lately. No time to myself, no time to htink, let alone ready, study, meditate, reflect.
And to top it all off, I know God is still there, still faithful, still seeing me through this all. With Ben's illness, and Hana's spirit, and Eli's weight, I'm so scared and worried and guilty and ashamed and God can still handle it all. And handle me. Comfort me, give me hope and get me through it. I just need to let Him.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Get it done
I realize that as a born-and-raised resident of New Brunswick that really should say "Git'er done!", but meh.
I've been slacking in my responsibilities lately, not getting as much done around the house, or for me, or for Hana as I should have been. I'm not sure exactly what was filling my days, but it wasn't nearly enough of what should have been there. Every time Eli fell asleep Hana would wake him, she was getting more than an hour of TV a day, laundry was piling up and it was just not right.
Today, however, is going much better. We played upstairs for a bit, everyone was happy, no tantrums. Breakfast went great, then I got Eli on my back for a nap. Got a load of laundry put away and another started, tidied the living room, danced with Hana, vacuumed the rug, coloured with Hana. Then I made lunch, we both ate and the got Hana ready for her nap. Now Eli is playing beside me, my livingroom is presentable, my kitchen is passable and I'm not stressed out.
See, don't we look happy?
Now hopefully I can keep this momentum, get the kitchen and bathroom cleaned and go play outside with Hana again this afternoon. But first, a nap.
I've been slacking in my responsibilities lately, not getting as much done around the house, or for me, or for Hana as I should have been. I'm not sure exactly what was filling my days, but it wasn't nearly enough of what should have been there. Every time Eli fell asleep Hana would wake him, she was getting more than an hour of TV a day, laundry was piling up and it was just not right.
Today, however, is going much better. We played upstairs for a bit, everyone was happy, no tantrums. Breakfast went great, then I got Eli on my back for a nap. Got a load of laundry put away and another started, tidied the living room, danced with Hana, vacuumed the rug, coloured with Hana. Then I made lunch, we both ate and the got Hana ready for her nap. Now Eli is playing beside me, my livingroom is presentable, my kitchen is passable and I'm not stressed out.
See, don't we look happy?
Now hopefully I can keep this momentum, get the kitchen and bathroom cleaned and go play outside with Hana again this afternoon. But first, a nap.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Choices
A while ago when I wrote about my evolving thoughts on abortion, I balked at the idea of being called pro-choice. That was kind of dumb of me.
I like having choices, I like giving choices. I've found giving Hana options is a great way of finding compromise and avoiding melt downs. Toddlers like having a sense of control over their lives. Apparently this trait doesn't go away with age, we just get better at being disappointed.
There are times tho when giving options means giving people the opportunity to do something we don't like. Last night Ben gave Hana the choice of having dinner or playing with play-doh. Guess which she chose? The only way to avoid situations like that is to limit choices to things that are pre-approved. While I think this is a wonderful way to pick baby names, it doesn't really sit well with me in other areas.
Take birth for example. There is a lot of talk (well, at least in sites that I spend time on) about giving women the ability to choose the birth she wants. I strongly believe that a woman should be supported in any situation where she feels safe - water birth, home birth, lotus birth, hospital birth. But then what about medical birth? Elective Cesarean? Early elective induction? Those things make me more uncomfortable. They are choices I wouldn't make because the possible consequences seem too risky to me. I would rather people didn't make those choices, but can I really say I support a woman's right to choose while wanting to limit her options?
So many people see abortion as such a black and white issue - choose to birth the baby or choose to terminate the pregnancy. It's not. Babies don't just appear. There are appointments, tests, sleep issues, pains, nausea, bloating, complications, hormones, ultrasounds, emotions, cravings. Anyone who has had a baby will say it's all worth it (a lot of us even choose to go through it more than once just for kicks), but pregnancy is hard on a person. When talking to a mother about her choice to birth her baby, all of the above need to be taken into consideration. Sure, if she feels she can't support her child adoption is an option. There are even avenues that keep her from having to pay legal fees. But what about the time off work to have the baby, or go to prenatal appointments, who pays for that? Or the transportation, prenatal vitamins, maternity clothes.
It's not just an issue of money, there's also the havoc pregnancy can play on emotions. I am blessed to have Ben as my husband, I don't think anyone else could survive living with me pregnant. What if that mother has a fear, substantiated or not, that she won't survive the pregnancy because of the people in her life - the father, her father, her pimp, her employer? It's hard to see clearly through the fog the hormones cause. Possible, yes, but hard. Who will be there to offer council, a place to stay, to act as a liaison between support organizations, rehab, shelters? These are things that Christians should be doing, but they're too busy holding signs and spewing hate.
I don't like abortion. The idea of it makes me sick, breaks my heart, makes me hold my babies close and never want to let them go. At the same time, I have to be realistic - there are times when a mother doesn't see the choice as black and white, she sees all the things in between, agonizes, weighs the few options available to her. To me, it is far more necessary to give those women more options - more support, more finances, more understanding, more jobs, more maternity leave, more legal aid, more medical insurance - than it is to take options away, even the ones that make us uncomfortable.
We can't erase the things we don't like from the world. We can't control everything in a way that makes us feel more comfortable. There will always be situations we don't like, choices we say we could never make, things that we know will needlessly make life harder. We can't stop those things, we can only offer alternatives and do all we can to make the bad choices obsolete.
I like having choices, I like giving choices. I've found giving Hana options is a great way of finding compromise and avoiding melt downs. Toddlers like having a sense of control over their lives. Apparently this trait doesn't go away with age, we just get better at being disappointed.
There are times tho when giving options means giving people the opportunity to do something we don't like. Last night Ben gave Hana the choice of having dinner or playing with play-doh. Guess which she chose? The only way to avoid situations like that is to limit choices to things that are pre-approved. While I think this is a wonderful way to pick baby names, it doesn't really sit well with me in other areas.
Take birth for example. There is a lot of talk (well, at least in sites that I spend time on) about giving women the ability to choose the birth she wants. I strongly believe that a woman should be supported in any situation where she feels safe - water birth, home birth, lotus birth, hospital birth. But then what about medical birth? Elective Cesarean? Early elective induction? Those things make me more uncomfortable. They are choices I wouldn't make because the possible consequences seem too risky to me. I would rather people didn't make those choices, but can I really say I support a woman's right to choose while wanting to limit her options?
So many people see abortion as such a black and white issue - choose to birth the baby or choose to terminate the pregnancy. It's not. Babies don't just appear. There are appointments, tests, sleep issues, pains, nausea, bloating, complications, hormones, ultrasounds, emotions, cravings. Anyone who has had a baby will say it's all worth it (a lot of us even choose to go through it more than once just for kicks), but pregnancy is hard on a person. When talking to a mother about her choice to birth her baby, all of the above need to be taken into consideration. Sure, if she feels she can't support her child adoption is an option. There are even avenues that keep her from having to pay legal fees. But what about the time off work to have the baby, or go to prenatal appointments, who pays for that? Or the transportation, prenatal vitamins, maternity clothes.
It's not just an issue of money, there's also the havoc pregnancy can play on emotions. I am blessed to have Ben as my husband, I don't think anyone else could survive living with me pregnant. What if that mother has a fear, substantiated or not, that she won't survive the pregnancy because of the people in her life - the father, her father, her pimp, her employer? It's hard to see clearly through the fog the hormones cause. Possible, yes, but hard. Who will be there to offer council, a place to stay, to act as a liaison between support organizations, rehab, shelters? These are things that Christians should be doing, but they're too busy holding signs and spewing hate.
I don't like abortion. The idea of it makes me sick, breaks my heart, makes me hold my babies close and never want to let them go. At the same time, I have to be realistic - there are times when a mother doesn't see the choice as black and white, she sees all the things in between, agonizes, weighs the few options available to her. To me, it is far more necessary to give those women more options - more support, more finances, more understanding, more jobs, more maternity leave, more legal aid, more medical insurance - than it is to take options away, even the ones that make us uncomfortable.
We can't erase the things we don't like from the world. We can't control everything in a way that makes us feel more comfortable. There will always be situations we don't like, choices we say we could never make, things that we know will needlessly make life harder. We can't stop those things, we can only offer alternatives and do all we can to make the bad choices obsolete.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Let Down
That last post was a hard thing for me. As open as I try to be, it's always easier to be open about tough times when they're over, not when I'm in the midst of them. I was hoping for some encouragement, some support, something to show I'm not alone in the world.
No, this isn't one of those pity party blog posts saying how horrible it is that I don't get comments. I did briefly consider abandoning this blog, but who am I kidding, I need the outlet (I just can't shut up, in case the length of my posts didn't make you aware of that). It's just the mumblings running around my head after realizing that I can't look at my blog as a means of socialization or to validate my existence - if I did I'd be left in a sadder state of mind than I am on my own.
Instead, this introducing the new phase of my blog. Yes, it's taking another turn (and hopefully not for the worst) - I'm going to treat it more as a journal. Yeah, that means a lot more family stuff probably. I'm aware this may affect my readership (the faithful 20 or so of you, and that random Irish visitor, I appreciate you all, hence the explanation), but as my readership doesn't bring any interaction, I'm not sure I'll notice the change.
Of course, comments and interaction are still welcome, and strongly encouraged.
No, this isn't one of those pity party blog posts saying how horrible it is that I don't get comments. I did briefly consider abandoning this blog, but who am I kidding, I need the outlet (I just can't shut up, in case the length of my posts didn't make you aware of that). It's just the mumblings running around my head after realizing that I can't look at my blog as a means of socialization or to validate my existence - if I did I'd be left in a sadder state of mind than I am on my own.
Instead, this introducing the new phase of my blog. Yes, it's taking another turn (and hopefully not for the worst) - I'm going to treat it more as a journal. Yeah, that means a lot more family stuff probably. I'm aware this may affect my readership (the faithful 20 or so of you, and that random Irish visitor, I appreciate you all, hence the explanation), but as my readership doesn't bring any interaction, I'm not sure I'll notice the change.
Of course, comments and interaction are still welcome, and strongly encouraged.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Diagnosis
Last week Ben was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
This actually comes as a great relief. The whole time I've known Ben he's always been tense, nervous, shy, a worrier. There were times he couldn't let go of things and would focus on negative posibilities. THat's what made him so quiet in social situations - he was afraid. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of what people would think of him. Worried about normal things that people think about when in new situations, but for him it was something he couldn't ignore or put aside.
Over the past three years our lives have changed a lot. It seemed with each change Ben's anxiety would get worse. Over the past year, and especially since Eli's birth, it got to the point where he couldn't function. He physically slowed down because too much was going on in his brain. He couldn't relax because he was alwys thinking about htings that needed to be done, but he couldn't do them because he couldn't focus on any one thing. He was obssessing over small, meaningless things (like thinking our neighbours were stealing our cat), and couldn't even talk to me anymore.
It was rough on all of us. He would get short tempered with Hana, he couldn't have a conversation with me, things around the house weren't getting done and he was stressed out about work. We would have arguments over the same small things over and over again. They would always come down to the same thing - he couldn't think, he couldn't control his thoughts and everything gave him more reason to worry. Once he realized it wasn't normal and wasn't something he could control on his own he felt a bit better. It sill took him weeks to make an appointment with our doctor - even taking time off for the appointment made him worry.
Knowing what the problem is really is a relief - he is on meds that will help. In the meantime however there are still frustrations. As his wife I need him - I need my husband to pitch in, to talk with me, to show me he cares - and sometimes that just doesn't happen. THen I'm left frustrated, hurt and angry, but with no outlet for it. I end up having less patience with him and with Hana than is fair. It's hard on the whole family.
He has another appointment in a couple of weeks to discuss how the meds are working. So far he's experiencing a couple of side effects - mostly nausia and dizzyness, both normal and should go away once his body adjusts. Already his head feels clearer most of the time, so we're very hopeful we're on the right track. I'm so excited to have Ben back, to see what he's really like as a husband and father without always being so anxious and tense.
This actually comes as a great relief. The whole time I've known Ben he's always been tense, nervous, shy, a worrier. There were times he couldn't let go of things and would focus on negative posibilities. THat's what made him so quiet in social situations - he was afraid. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of what people would think of him. Worried about normal things that people think about when in new situations, but for him it was something he couldn't ignore or put aside.
Over the past three years our lives have changed a lot. It seemed with each change Ben's anxiety would get worse. Over the past year, and especially since Eli's birth, it got to the point where he couldn't function. He physically slowed down because too much was going on in his brain. He couldn't relax because he was alwys thinking about htings that needed to be done, but he couldn't do them because he couldn't focus on any one thing. He was obssessing over small, meaningless things (like thinking our neighbours were stealing our cat), and couldn't even talk to me anymore.
It was rough on all of us. He would get short tempered with Hana, he couldn't have a conversation with me, things around the house weren't getting done and he was stressed out about work. We would have arguments over the same small things over and over again. They would always come down to the same thing - he couldn't think, he couldn't control his thoughts and everything gave him more reason to worry. Once he realized it wasn't normal and wasn't something he could control on his own he felt a bit better. It sill took him weeks to make an appointment with our doctor - even taking time off for the appointment made him worry.
Knowing what the problem is really is a relief - he is on meds that will help. In the meantime however there are still frustrations. As his wife I need him - I need my husband to pitch in, to talk with me, to show me he cares - and sometimes that just doesn't happen. THen I'm left frustrated, hurt and angry, but with no outlet for it. I end up having less patience with him and with Hana than is fair. It's hard on the whole family.
He has another appointment in a couple of weeks to discuss how the meds are working. So far he's experiencing a couple of side effects - mostly nausia and dizzyness, both normal and should go away once his body adjusts. Already his head feels clearer most of the time, so we're very hopeful we're on the right track. I'm so excited to have Ben back, to see what he's really like as a husband and father without always being so anxious and tense.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Mirror Mirror
I have issues.
Wait, I've mentioned that before. Have I mentioned my self-image issues? Not that it should come as any surprise, there are very few women I've met who haven't had some sort of inaccuracy in their view of themselves at some point in their life.
Like most women, I place a lot of my identity in my relationships. I'm a mother, a daughter, a wife, a friend. Success in those relationships means I'm doing well as a human being, turmoil and disharmony can really mess me up. Like if my daughter is screaming at me for no reason other than she's almost two, or I'm stressed out and ask Ben to pick up something for supper instead of cooking for him like a "good wife" should, or when my mom (hi mom, don't know if you still read this) annoys me and I lash out at her, or when I haven't heard from friends in a while (it's ok friends, I know I hear from you as often as you hear from me).
When those things happen I start to get anxious, confused, stressed out and insecure. I try to hide the insecurity with defensiveness, and that just makes things worse. I try to do something tangible to handle perceived problems, but my stress and anxiousness just turn it all into worry. My house gets (more) messy, I raise my voice and watch too much TV (and then get mad at myself for yelling and being lazy) and end up having a bad day (and sometimes causing bad days for those around me...sorry Ben).
And all of that mess happens just because I place too much value on things that change and are out of my control. Things that are part of me, but aren't really me.
It's so hard for women (I'm using women now because I'm really hoping this isn't just a problem I have) to compliment themselves, to admit their good traits, their strengths (inherent strengths, not those that exist only because of our relationships and thus are dependent on those relationships). I think it's because we don't want to be seen as bragging, or full of ourselves, or to have it proven wrong. Kinda like how you can't ever say you're humble. But then we internalize it too much, and we end up having trouble even thinking of our good qualities, and then when the external things get crazy and messed up it's hard to find anything solid to hang on to while we get it figured out.
I'm trying to get to know myself again. Over the last few years so much has changed and I've felt so swept up in it that I've lost touch with who I am and with what makes me tick. I know what I do, I know where I fit, but the rest of it is kind of jumbled sometimes.
I'm hoping that as I find these things about myself - my gifts, my passions, my strengths and areas where I have the opportunity to ask for help and utilize the strengths of others (how's that for positive wording). I want to be able to help others again, I want to engage in the world around me instead of just observe it, I want to get rid of these insecurities and doubts that take me away from my family and friends.
Wait, I've mentioned that before. Have I mentioned my self-image issues? Not that it should come as any surprise, there are very few women I've met who haven't had some sort of inaccuracy in their view of themselves at some point in their life.
Like most women, I place a lot of my identity in my relationships. I'm a mother, a daughter, a wife, a friend. Success in those relationships means I'm doing well as a human being, turmoil and disharmony can really mess me up. Like if my daughter is screaming at me for no reason other than she's almost two, or I'm stressed out and ask Ben to pick up something for supper instead of cooking for him like a "good wife" should, or when my mom (hi mom, don't know if you still read this) annoys me and I lash out at her, or when I haven't heard from friends in a while (it's ok friends, I know I hear from you as often as you hear from me).
When those things happen I start to get anxious, confused, stressed out and insecure. I try to hide the insecurity with defensiveness, and that just makes things worse. I try to do something tangible to handle perceived problems, but my stress and anxiousness just turn it all into worry. My house gets (more) messy, I raise my voice and watch too much TV (and then get mad at myself for yelling and being lazy) and end up having a bad day (and sometimes causing bad days for those around me...sorry Ben).
And all of that mess happens just because I place too much value on things that change and are out of my control. Things that are part of me, but aren't really me.
It's so hard for women (I'm using women now because I'm really hoping this isn't just a problem I have) to compliment themselves, to admit their good traits, their strengths (inherent strengths, not those that exist only because of our relationships and thus are dependent on those relationships). I think it's because we don't want to be seen as bragging, or full of ourselves, or to have it proven wrong. Kinda like how you can't ever say you're humble. But then we internalize it too much, and we end up having trouble even thinking of our good qualities, and then when the external things get crazy and messed up it's hard to find anything solid to hang on to while we get it figured out.
I'm trying to get to know myself again. Over the last few years so much has changed and I've felt so swept up in it that I've lost touch with who I am and with what makes me tick. I know what I do, I know where I fit, but the rest of it is kind of jumbled sometimes.
I'm hoping that as I find these things about myself - my gifts, my passions, my strengths and areas where I have the opportunity to ask for help and utilize the strengths of others (how's that for positive wording). I want to be able to help others again, I want to engage in the world around me instead of just observe it, I want to get rid of these insecurities and doubts that take me away from my family and friends.
Monday, October 06, 2008
5 minute cake
supplies:
microwave
cerial bowl
6 tbs flour
1/8 tsp baking soda
1 or 2 tsp coco
2 tsp sugar
1 tbs brown sugar
2 tsp oil
water to make it cake batter like
microwave for 90 seconds, let sit until you can hold the bowl without burning yourself, enjoy.
All measurements are approximate. I think it's the ratio that's more important than the actual amounts. I use a dessert spoon, not an actual measuring spoon. Flour and coco are heaping, baking soda is just the tip. Sugar amounts vary by mood. I taste test before I cook it. Be careful, it's addictive, I've warned you.
This is actually a very flexible recepie, feel free to make your favorite cake. Carrot, almond, vanilla, marble, spice, orange chocolate. mmmm, cake
microwave
cerial bowl
6 tbs flour
1/8 tsp baking soda
1 or 2 tsp coco
2 tsp sugar
1 tbs brown sugar
2 tsp oil
water to make it cake batter like
microwave for 90 seconds, let sit until you can hold the bowl without burning yourself, enjoy.
All measurements are approximate. I think it's the ratio that's more important than the actual amounts. I use a dessert spoon, not an actual measuring spoon. Flour and coco are heaping, baking soda is just the tip. Sugar amounts vary by mood. I taste test before I cook it. Be careful, it's addictive, I've warned you.
This is actually a very flexible recepie, feel free to make your favorite cake. Carrot, almond, vanilla, marble, spice, orange chocolate. mmmm, cake
Saturday, October 04, 2008
23 Months
Really? She's already that big? Are you sure?
Hana is such a big girl right now. As always she's talking up a storm. Sentences are the norm now - rarely does she put less than 3 words together at a time. She's also extremely independent. She knows how to ask for help, and until she asks it's best just to leave her be and figure it out on her own.
New accomplishments this month include learning how to strip and potty training. Yes the two are related. Ben put her up to bed one night and later went to check on her. She ran over to the bed and said "Diapy!" while pointing at the corner. She was naked. So far she's doing great with the potty - only a handful of accidents all week! I'm so proud of her, and thrilled that my days of changing toddler diapers are soon coming to a (temporary) end.
She knows most of the letters of the alphabet now. One of her favorite things to do is give us a pen and get us to write the letters so she can name them. She also has started singing along with us when we sing kids songs - probably due to the never-ending kids music we endured for a few weeks after Eli was born. We've also started playing "I Spy" with her picture books and she's getting really good at finding shapes, colours and different objects.
Every day she needs me less and less. It's exciting - as a parent that's a great accomplishment, to be able to equip my children for life without me. It's also a little sad to realize that she'll never need me like this again, that already her need of me is a choice and not always a necessity. I'm so proud of her, amazed by her and thrilled to see the wonderful child she's becoming.
Hana is such a big girl right now. As always she's talking up a storm. Sentences are the norm now - rarely does she put less than 3 words together at a time. She's also extremely independent. She knows how to ask for help, and until she asks it's best just to leave her be and figure it out on her own.
New accomplishments this month include learning how to strip and potty training. Yes the two are related. Ben put her up to bed one night and later went to check on her. She ran over to the bed and said "Diapy!" while pointing at the corner. She was naked. So far she's doing great with the potty - only a handful of accidents all week! I'm so proud of her, and thrilled that my days of changing toddler diapers are soon coming to a (temporary) end.
She knows most of the letters of the alphabet now. One of her favorite things to do is give us a pen and get us to write the letters so she can name them. She also has started singing along with us when we sing kids songs - probably due to the never-ending kids music we endured for a few weeks after Eli was born. We've also started playing "I Spy" with her picture books and she's getting really good at finding shapes, colours and different objects.
Every day she needs me less and less. It's exciting - as a parent that's a great accomplishment, to be able to equip my children for life without me. It's also a little sad to realize that she'll never need me like this again, that already her need of me is a choice and not always a necessity. I'm so proud of her, amazed by her and thrilled to see the wonderful child she's becoming.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
I've just had a realization. I'm sitting here watching So You Think You Can Dance Canada and realized it doesn't have nearly the press or hype or following that the US version has. It's a bit disappointing. There always seems to be a stigma that Canadian TV isn't as good as it's US counterpart. Unfortunately, that carries over to Canadian talent, and many artists, performers and athletes get overlooked.
I know that the CRTC requires a certain amount of Canadian content from all of it's broadcasters, but that doesn't apply to the American channels that we all watch on a regular basis. It's possible to not see Canadian content at all and still catch all the popular prime time shows.
I think that's part of the reason Canadian athletes have so much trouble finding sponsorship (which translates into less funding, less press and less training). We're so close to the U.S and so inundated with their stars that we don't notice our own. I wonder if this happens less with other countries because there are usually either physical or language barriers, pr perhaps less media carry over.
I'm a huge supporter of Canadian talent - what can I say, I'm proud to be Canadian and local support is something I'm working on (local sports, talent, farmers, everything). I just find it so disappointing that the U.S. media has blinded us from seeing what wonderful things our country has to offer.
(of course, the way the government has cut funding to the arts might have something to do with it too....)
I know that the CRTC requires a certain amount of Canadian content from all of it's broadcasters, but that doesn't apply to the American channels that we all watch on a regular basis. It's possible to not see Canadian content at all and still catch all the popular prime time shows.
I think that's part of the reason Canadian athletes have so much trouble finding sponsorship (which translates into less funding, less press and less training). We're so close to the U.S and so inundated with their stars that we don't notice our own. I wonder if this happens less with other countries because there are usually either physical or language barriers, pr perhaps less media carry over.
I'm a huge supporter of Canadian talent - what can I say, I'm proud to be Canadian and local support is something I'm working on (local sports, talent, farmers, everything). I just find it so disappointing that the U.S. media has blinded us from seeing what wonderful things our country has to offer.
(of course, the way the government has cut funding to the arts might have something to do with it too....)
Monday, September 29, 2008
Eli -Two months
I honestly don't know where the time has gone. IT seems like just last week I was in the never-ending labour and it was summer. Now it's fall and he's already two months old!
He's doing really great. Like Hana, he's a slow gainer, about 10lbs right now. He's lean like Ben is, but still has rolls on his thighs and a cute double chin. When he's awake his eyes are so bright! He coos and kicks and flails his arms. He loves smiling and sticking his toungue out, and when I talk to him I can tell he's trying really hard to say something back. I can't wait for the stories he's going to tell!
He sleeps great - going 5 or 6 hours at night! We're working on nursing without the shield and so far it's not going too bad, so long as he isn't tired. WIthin a couple of weeks we should be fine without it I'm sure.
He seems so laid back, so curious. He's very content, so long as I'm in the room at least. He hates the car, but will sleep in his swing. He loves Hana and smiles and coos at her when she tries to make him laugh. I can't wait to get to know him better as more and more of his personality comes through.
He's doing really great. Like Hana, he's a slow gainer, about 10lbs right now. He's lean like Ben is, but still has rolls on his thighs and a cute double chin. When he's awake his eyes are so bright! He coos and kicks and flails his arms. He loves smiling and sticking his toungue out, and when I talk to him I can tell he's trying really hard to say something back. I can't wait for the stories he's going to tell!
He sleeps great - going 5 or 6 hours at night! We're working on nursing without the shield and so far it's not going too bad, so long as he isn't tired. WIthin a couple of weeks we should be fine without it I'm sure.
He seems so laid back, so curious. He's very content, so long as I'm in the room at least. He hates the car, but will sleep in his swing. He loves Hana and smiles and coos at her when she tries to make him laugh. I can't wait to get to know him better as more and more of his personality comes through.
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