Monday, October 27, 2008

Ranting and Raving

I'm not so happy with life right now. Hana has been banging around in her room for over an hour. SHe was up until 10 last night and awake at 6:45 this morning - the child is tired and will be a bear tonight if she doesn't sleep. But she doesn't sleep, story of my life. She's waking up at night again, I'm telling myself it's just teething, but really I'm wondering if I'll ever get a decent sleep.

Eli isn't gaining weight. In the last two weeks he hasn't even gained an ounce. He's content and nurses great, but he's not growing. I can't even feed my own child, do you know how heartbreaking that is. We're ging to see a LC tomorrow, and I'm hopeful that we'll figure out what's wrong and be able to fix it, but it just kills me to know he hasn't been getting enough and I didn't notice. I thought we were doing so well. I thought he was growing - clothes don't fit anymore, isn't that a good sign? There was no indication there was a problem, he was just small - so is the rest of my family! I can't believe how stupid I was not to realize it was a problem. I'm so broken over that.

I'm stuck in the house all the time. In the evenings Ben is tired and doesn't want to go anywhere, plus we have to get Hana to bed. On the weekends I'm so exhausted it's hard to do anything, and Ben would rather stay home anyway. I'm feeling isolated from people - the only time I really see anyone is when they come here, and that doesn't happen often. I want to get out, I want to get to know people. I don't want to have to rely on the internet for social interaction, it's not good for me.

I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I feel so guilty leaving both kids with Ben, even tho he tells me not to. And then there's such a mess that needs to be cleaned up when I get home it doesn't seem worth it. But I have the membership so I'm just wasing money. Good thing this month was free.

My house is a mess. I just can't stay on top of it lately. No, not that I can't, I just haven't been. Lazy.

I've been neglecting God. THings were going really great for a while, but just haven't happened lately. No time to myself, no time to htink, let alone ready, study, meditate, reflect.

And to top it all off, I know God is still there, still faithful, still seeing me through this all. With Ben's illness, and Hana's spirit, and Eli's weight, I'm so scared and worried and guilty and ashamed and God can still handle it all. And handle me. Comfort me, give me hope and get me through it. I just need to let Him.


Matt "the Bat" said...

I know its not probably as soon as you'd want but what are you guys doing in January?

Steph said...

January? I don't even know what I'm doing next week. Chances are they'll be about the same tho

Glo said...

I don't ever really know what to say to stuff like this, but know that i love you and i will be praying for you and your family.

Matt "the Bat" said...

awesome hang out time in Moncton

Jo said...

Any chance you can invite some people in for tea or something? Being isolated sucks. I feel for you.

Kristi said...

I so remember being in this place after becoming a mommy of 2. It wasn't too long ago for me.

One thing I found so important was, despite NOT feeling like it one iota, to get out around other adults,moms, friends...anyone. Looking a mess, feeling a mess - but just forcing myself to do it. Most times this meant dragging myself around, half asleep, wanting to be in bed, and hardly able to follow the coherent conversations around me. But - the more I did, the more normal I began to feel.

We have a really great mother's club once a week (it's free)with (also free) well staffed childcare. It's 2 hours of bliss with other moms who know exactly what brain power I happen to be working with that week. Oh and snacks and drinks.
You should come. It would be great to have you!