I love the exodus story. I think one of the things lacking in our modern practice of Christianity is the remembrace of the major events in the history of the people of God. We sometimes forget that their history is our history, and without it our faith, our rituals, our understanding of God has no root.
Many things in Exodus parallel the Christian walk. No, it's not perfect, and trying to make things match up too closely cheepens both the history and personal experience. Still, when you look at both side by side it can be facinating. It shows we're all connected. The Exodus sotry isn't something tha thappened to a people group long long ago, it is a living story, told by the living God, that has happened in lives for generations and continues to happen now.
It begins with a cry:
Exodus 2
23During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. 24And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. 25God saw the people of Israel--and God knew.
Most of us have heard a message at one point or another about how we are slaves to sin and can't free ourselves, but if we cry out to God He will hear us, forgive us, and break our chains. That's what God does, that is what He has always done.
The people of Israel had lived in Egypt for a long time. In fact, the ones in this story weren't even the ones who had originaly gone to Egypt. They were born there, they did not seek out slavery, they found themselves in it. The sin that we need to be saved from isn't just the sin that we do, it is the sin that we find ourselves in. If people try hard enough they can stop doing most things, at least for a time. Still, there is something deeper holding us back, and we are bound to it.
When the Israelites called out to God it could be they didn't know who they were calling to. At that point there was no Law, no rituals, no commandments, no religion as we see it. But there was knowledge of something greater than them, something bigger than the gods of the Egyptians. Something their forefathers had known and had experienced. They themselves had not experienced Him, they only had the stories, which seemed, I'm sure, more myth than anything else. And still they took a chance.
It saddens me that as a whole, the Church seems to want to hide God away, to keep Him only for those inseide its walls, for fear of wasting Him on those who haven't experienced, who don't understand. We're afraid to talk about our experiences with God for fear of someone thinking we're crazy, or that it's only legond, stories etc. I feel any knowledge of truth we can get out there is better than none.
And so the exodus begins. People cry out to God, and God answers. Something so simple, so easy, and yet so complex and difficult. From that moment, everything changes.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
The Wilderness
Last year around this time I was praying. I was thanking God for all that was happening, for my friends, for my ministry, for my pregnancy, for the opportunity to reach out to the people I worked with.
As I prayed, I started falling asleep, and as I started falling asleep, I heard God.
"I love you my child" He said
"I'm going to lead you through the wilderness"
"No Lord" I responded
"Yes child, I'm going to lead you through the wildreness"
I started crying, repeating no no
"I will be with you and will meet you on the other side"
I woke up with tears streaming down my face, shaking and sobbing. I knew it wasn't a dream, I knew it was real, it was true, and still I refused to believe it. I tried to pass it off as just a dream and forget it had happened, even though I knew it ws real.
As the year went by, it was rough, it was excrutiating. At the same time I was drawn to expand on an idea I had used for a prayer night, paralleling the exodus events withthe Christian walk. I couldn't do it, however, without looking at the wildreness.
In my stubborness, I went through a lot of things alone, and felt more pain than I needed to, I'm sure.
The wilderness is seen as a place of fear, a place of death. I've learned that's not all there is to it. It's also a place of provision, a place of faith, a place to be refined, to grow, and to learn.
I'm through the wilderness now, and am learning the lessons. God did lead me through the wilderness, He was with me then and has met me on the other side. The new me, a different me that I am still getting to know, still growing into.
As I prayed, I started falling asleep, and as I started falling asleep, I heard God.
"I love you my child" He said
"I'm going to lead you through the wilderness"
"No Lord" I responded
"Yes child, I'm going to lead you through the wildreness"
I started crying, repeating no no
"I will be with you and will meet you on the other side"
I woke up with tears streaming down my face, shaking and sobbing. I knew it wasn't a dream, I knew it was real, it was true, and still I refused to believe it. I tried to pass it off as just a dream and forget it had happened, even though I knew it ws real.
As the year went by, it was rough, it was excrutiating. At the same time I was drawn to expand on an idea I had used for a prayer night, paralleling the exodus events withthe Christian walk. I couldn't do it, however, without looking at the wildreness.
In my stubborness, I went through a lot of things alone, and felt more pain than I needed to, I'm sure.
The wilderness is seen as a place of fear, a place of death. I've learned that's not all there is to it. It's also a place of provision, a place of faith, a place to be refined, to grow, and to learn.
I'm through the wilderness now, and am learning the lessons. God did lead me through the wilderness, He was with me then and has met me on the other side. The new me, a different me that I am still getting to know, still growing into.
Monday, March 12, 2007
A lot Learned from Bad Advice
Those of you who (somewhat)regularly read have probably already read about my bad experience trying to nurse Hana. This post might sound a little familiar to you.
I have the privlidge of participating in the Breastfeeding Carnival, the topic being Breastfeeding advice. I was told they wanted the good, the bad and the ugly.
Well here's my attempt at giving nursing advice. It feels like an odd thing for me to do because I'm not nursing. Perhaps its one of those "those who can't, teach" situations. This is my story, and I think it definitely falls into the "ugly" category, but I hope it will be able to help and encourage someone.
When I was pregnant with Hana I was so excited about being a mom and everything that goes with that. I was especially excited about breastfeeding. For me it was something special, I was going to be the first woman in my family to breastfeed. I'm sure my pride over this soon-to-be accomplishment rivaled that of those who were the first in their family to do to university or own their own business. I was nervous, excited, and had my heart set on things starting out right.
As my pregnancy progressed, things weren't going exactly to plan. At 32 weeks Hana was still breech and my OB was concerned about her size compared to my size. There was mention of a c-section but there was still lots of time. I knew a section could possibly have an effect on a nursing relationship, but I knew lots of people got through that hurdle, and we could too. The next bump in the road was being unable to attend my breastfeeding class because I was still working. It was frustrating, but I was assured I'd have access to a lactation consultant and we'd have plenty of time to work on nursing if I happened to be in the hospital recovering from surgery. I was told not to worry about it, to relax because, after all, breastfeeding is natural and it won't be a problem. That's where the bad advice all began.
Hana was born November 3, 9:54 am, butt first. My section went well, no complications, and I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl. The only problem was minor, the spinal had been a bit too effective and I couldn't feel anything from my toes to my collar bones, so I was told to wait about an hour before trying to nurse her that's bad advice #2, just in case you're keeping track).
Over the next four days in the hospital we continued to have issues. We had latch problems, I was bleeding, but the LC assured me we'd get it right if we kept trying. She showed me another position, it still didn't quite work, but she had to run to another appointment. One of the nurses told me I had to supplement because Hana was loosing a lot of weight and getting dehydrated, so we gave her a cup and I pumped. I was told I only needed to pump until she started nursing for more than 20 minutes without pain.One of the doctors came in and assured me that even a drop of my milk was better than any formula, and to keep going. That was the most encouraging thing I heard, and I wish I had remembered that doctor's name so I could have called her back for more encouragement.
The night before I was to be discharged my milk started to come in. I can't tell you how happy I was to see the little white drops in the corners of Hana's mouth, I cried with joy, just knowing things were going to be ok, that we would make it work. That night she nursed for over an hour. Then a nurse came in and told me she had been nursing too long and I needed to supplement. She said that Hana wasn't getting enough and if she nursed any longer she would burn too many calories. At that point all my joy, all my hope, all my confidence in my ability to provide for my daughter melted away. I cried, they offered to take her to the nursery so I could sleep, and they gave her a bottle.
I kept trying to nurse every two hours. In my anxiousness and fear I had a hard time latching her. She would get frustrated, I would get frustrated, we would both end up crying and the blisters were getting worse. After my first night home we were visited by a community nurse. We had decided to supplement Hana that morning because I didn't think she was getting enough (she had nursed for over an hour again). The nurse supported that decision and suggested I keep supplementing and rent a pump to help get my supply up. She also suggested that I stop nursing for a few days to give myself a chance to heal. Just as they were almost healed I was checked for a blood clot and told not to nurse for 48 hours because of the dye used for the CT scan.
That was really the end of our nursing relationship. I didn't know it at the time, but it was. The six days of not even being offered the breast caused nipple confusion. She would scream every time I put her to the breast, no matter how hungry or content she was, no matter what position I tried. The hospital grade pump I had rented wasn't very effective and I could only pump about two ounces per day. The medication that I was on gave me headaches and (I believe) caused depression. I began to resent Hana every time she cried, knowing she was hungry and I couldn't satisfy
her. I felt chained to my pump and wasn't getting any results. The support and encouragement I had received was beginning to turn into concern about my supply and questions about my commitment to nursing. I wasn't offered natural remedies (like fenugreek or blessed thistle), and neither the LC nor any of the nurses I met with (5 over the course of 3 weeks) offered nipple shields or a supplemental nursing system.
It was a painful thing to pack up my pump and stop trying to put Hana to the breast. Within 36 hours I was dry and it was over. At three weeks old she became exclusively formula fed. I slowly stopped crying when I fed her, and she slowly stopped screaming with hunger every hour. We started to bond, I started being able to smile at her. The depression lifted and she started thriving.
Now she's a happy, healthy, wonderful and beautiful 4 month old, and I am an attentive, loving, relaxed mother. It still hurts to think about what was lost, writing it out is both therapeutic and excruciating. At the time, switching to formula was what needed to happen, but had I known better and not been given such bad advice (over and over again), I know we wouldn't have gotten to that point. Now that I know better I know that next time I will be able to nurse, and that will help heal the loss of a nursing relationship this time around.
My advice for new nursing mothers - keep doing it. A nursing relationship is a choice and a right. There is help, there is support, there is a solution to every problem you can face. It is your right to nurse your child, but unfortunately you might have to fight for that right. Talk to people you know who have nursed. Go to La Leche League meetings. Meet with a LC before your baby is born, especially if anyone in your family has had nursing issues in the past. Let everyone around you know that you want to nurse, and tell them that if they aren't going to support it that you'll wait to talk to them until after nursing is going well. Get a baby carrier and keep your baby skin to skin as much as you can. Take baths and relax with your baby. Fall in love with your little miracle and know that you have within you the ability to provide nourishment for body, mind and soul. When someone tries to undermine this ability (be they nurse, doctor, mother, mother in law, sister, friend or even husband), seek a second opinion and protect yourself with people who will support and encourage you. It might not be easy, it might hurt, both of you might cry, it might seem like the most unnatural and awful thing in the world, but you can make it work.Trust me, it will be worth it.
Read the other posts in the carnival:
The Lactivist: Exclusively Pumping: Good Advice is Hard to Find
Motherwear Blog: The Fifth Carnival of Breastfeeding: Good Advice, Bad Advice.
Breastfeeding 1-2-3: How to Get Good Medical Advice on Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding Mums: Good Advice/ Bad Advice
Mama Knows Best: Breast Feeding Advice
Guest entries for the month can be found at the Black Breastfeeding Blog, Mocha Milk, Cairo Mama, The Twinkies, and The Baby Gravy Train
I have the privlidge of participating in the Breastfeeding Carnival, the topic being Breastfeeding advice. I was told they wanted the good, the bad and the ugly.
Well here's my attempt at giving nursing advice. It feels like an odd thing for me to do because I'm not nursing. Perhaps its one of those "those who can't, teach" situations. This is my story, and I think it definitely falls into the "ugly" category, but I hope it will be able to help and encourage someone.
When I was pregnant with Hana I was so excited about being a mom and everything that goes with that. I was especially excited about breastfeeding. For me it was something special, I was going to be the first woman in my family to breastfeed. I'm sure my pride over this soon-to-be accomplishment rivaled that of those who were the first in their family to do to university or own their own business. I was nervous, excited, and had my heart set on things starting out right.
As my pregnancy progressed, things weren't going exactly to plan. At 32 weeks Hana was still breech and my OB was concerned about her size compared to my size. There was mention of a c-section but there was still lots of time. I knew a section could possibly have an effect on a nursing relationship, but I knew lots of people got through that hurdle, and we could too. The next bump in the road was being unable to attend my breastfeeding class because I was still working. It was frustrating, but I was assured I'd have access to a lactation consultant and we'd have plenty of time to work on nursing if I happened to be in the hospital recovering from surgery. I was told not to worry about it, to relax because, after all, breastfeeding is natural and it won't be a problem. That's where the bad advice all began.
Hana was born November 3, 9:54 am, butt first. My section went well, no complications, and I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl. The only problem was minor, the spinal had been a bit too effective and I couldn't feel anything from my toes to my collar bones, so I was told to wait about an hour before trying to nurse her that's bad advice #2, just in case you're keeping track).
Over the next four days in the hospital we continued to have issues. We had latch problems, I was bleeding, but the LC assured me we'd get it right if we kept trying. She showed me another position, it still didn't quite work, but she had to run to another appointment. One of the nurses told me I had to supplement because Hana was loosing a lot of weight and getting dehydrated, so we gave her a cup and I pumped. I was told I only needed to pump until she started nursing for more than 20 minutes without pain.One of the doctors came in and assured me that even a drop of my milk was better than any formula, and to keep going. That was the most encouraging thing I heard, and I wish I had remembered that doctor's name so I could have called her back for more encouragement.
The night before I was to be discharged my milk started to come in. I can't tell you how happy I was to see the little white drops in the corners of Hana's mouth, I cried with joy, just knowing things were going to be ok, that we would make it work. That night she nursed for over an hour. Then a nurse came in and told me she had been nursing too long and I needed to supplement. She said that Hana wasn't getting enough and if she nursed any longer she would burn too many calories. At that point all my joy, all my hope, all my confidence in my ability to provide for my daughter melted away. I cried, they offered to take her to the nursery so I could sleep, and they gave her a bottle.
I kept trying to nurse every two hours. In my anxiousness and fear I had a hard time latching her. She would get frustrated, I would get frustrated, we would both end up crying and the blisters were getting worse. After my first night home we were visited by a community nurse. We had decided to supplement Hana that morning because I didn't think she was getting enough (she had nursed for over an hour again). The nurse supported that decision and suggested I keep supplementing and rent a pump to help get my supply up. She also suggested that I stop nursing for a few days to give myself a chance to heal. Just as they were almost healed I was checked for a blood clot and told not to nurse for 48 hours because of the dye used for the CT scan.
That was really the end of our nursing relationship. I didn't know it at the time, but it was. The six days of not even being offered the breast caused nipple confusion. She would scream every time I put her to the breast, no matter how hungry or content she was, no matter what position I tried. The hospital grade pump I had rented wasn't very effective and I could only pump about two ounces per day. The medication that I was on gave me headaches and (I believe) caused depression. I began to resent Hana every time she cried, knowing she was hungry and I couldn't satisfy
her. I felt chained to my pump and wasn't getting any results. The support and encouragement I had received was beginning to turn into concern about my supply and questions about my commitment to nursing. I wasn't offered natural remedies (like fenugreek or blessed thistle), and neither the LC nor any of the nurses I met with (5 over the course of 3 weeks) offered nipple shields or a supplemental nursing system.
It was a painful thing to pack up my pump and stop trying to put Hana to the breast. Within 36 hours I was dry and it was over. At three weeks old she became exclusively formula fed. I slowly stopped crying when I fed her, and she slowly stopped screaming with hunger every hour. We started to bond, I started being able to smile at her. The depression lifted and she started thriving.
Now she's a happy, healthy, wonderful and beautiful 4 month old, and I am an attentive, loving, relaxed mother. It still hurts to think about what was lost, writing it out is both therapeutic and excruciating. At the time, switching to formula was what needed to happen, but had I known better and not been given such bad advice (over and over again), I know we wouldn't have gotten to that point. Now that I know better I know that next time I will be able to nurse, and that will help heal the loss of a nursing relationship this time around.
My advice for new nursing mothers - keep doing it. A nursing relationship is a choice and a right. There is help, there is support, there is a solution to every problem you can face. It is your right to nurse your child, but unfortunately you might have to fight for that right. Talk to people you know who have nursed. Go to La Leche League meetings. Meet with a LC before your baby is born, especially if anyone in your family has had nursing issues in the past. Let everyone around you know that you want to nurse, and tell them that if they aren't going to support it that you'll wait to talk to them until after nursing is going well. Get a baby carrier and keep your baby skin to skin as much as you can. Take baths and relax with your baby. Fall in love with your little miracle and know that you have within you the ability to provide nourishment for body, mind and soul. When someone tries to undermine this ability (be they nurse, doctor, mother, mother in law, sister, friend or even husband), seek a second opinion and protect yourself with people who will support and encourage you. It might not be easy, it might hurt, both of you might cry, it might seem like the most unnatural and awful thing in the world, but you can make it work.Trust me, it will be worth it.
Read the other posts in the carnival:
The Lactivist: Exclusively Pumping: Good Advice is Hard to Find
Motherwear Blog: The Fifth Carnival of Breastfeeding: Good Advice, Bad Advice.
Breastfeeding 1-2-3: How to Get Good Medical Advice on Breastfeeding
Breastfeeding Mums: Good Advice/ Bad Advice
Mama Knows Best: Breast Feeding Advice
Guest entries for the month can be found at the Black Breastfeeding Blog, Mocha Milk, Cairo Mama, The Twinkies, and The Baby Gravy Train
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Look Ma! No Hands!
Yes, that is Hana, standing in her cib all by herself
Here's the story
Hana LOVES to stand up. When we pull her hands (to lift her into a sitting position) she turns into a plank of wood and just stands up. She has really good balance and can stand holding our fingers or the side of her crib for about a minute. So she was playing in her room while I put away her laundry, and I thought I'd see if I could get a picture. I got the camera, held it with one hand, got her standing and had my other hand beside her just in case. The idea was to move my hand out of the frame, take the pic, and then move my hand back, just in case. Like I siad, she can stand holding her crib, so I wasn't too worried.
So I got her standing, smiling at me, I move my hand, I take the picture, and then the flash goes off.
I hadn't thought of that.
It scared her.
She moved her hands.
She lost her balance
Remember that going like a plank thing I mentioned? Yup. Fell stright back like a board.
So I reach out for her and get my hand behind her head just as it hits the mattress. She lookes up with me with this "what was that?" look, and then lets out a scream.
I pick her up, she stops crying, I start crying and frantically checking her over. She didn't hit anything but themattress, so she wasn't hurt at all, but it did scare the crap out of her. I felt so awful!
But it did make for a good pic and a funny story!
Friday, March 09, 2007
4 months old
Ok, I'm a little late posting this. Oops?
Hana is 4 months old. She's starting to giggle. She tries so hard and when she manages to get one out it's the most beautiful sound in the world. She also babbles ALL day long (just like her mommy!) and loves to stand up. She hasn't quite gotten the hang of sitting yet (she usually ends up falling forward) but she's trying really hard. She's got so much life and personality. She loves to play and loves to snuggle up to go to sleep. Every night she has some nekkid time which she loves, she lays in her crib and coos and kicks (and pees, 3 times in 15 mins tonight!).
I can't express how much I'm in love with her. It's amazing to think that this person came from me. She's got so much personality, she loves to smile and move around. I can't wait to get to know her - what she thinks and feels. I'm so excited for our families to come visit this summer, she'll be so much fun!
There's some new pics of her at hanapics.cjb.net
Hana is 4 months old. She's starting to giggle. She tries so hard and when she manages to get one out it's the most beautiful sound in the world. She also babbles ALL day long (just like her mommy!) and loves to stand up. She hasn't quite gotten the hang of sitting yet (she usually ends up falling forward) but she's trying really hard. She's got so much life and personality. She loves to play and loves to snuggle up to go to sleep. Every night she has some nekkid time which she loves, she lays in her crib and coos and kicks (and pees, 3 times in 15 mins tonight!).
I can't express how much I'm in love with her. It's amazing to think that this person came from me. She's got so much personality, she loves to smile and move around. I can't wait to get to know her - what she thinks and feels. I'm so excited for our families to come visit this summer, she'll be so much fun!
There's some new pics of her at hanapics.cjb.net
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Rough Week
- got a phonecall I really didn't want to get
- Still not sleeping
- have to take Hana to get shots next week
- Ben's on night shift
- still not sleeping
- Still not sleeping
- have to take Hana to get shots next week
- Ben's on night shift
- still not sleeping
Sunday, March 04, 2007
When Ministry Hurts
I'e been fighting with myself about posting this for the past few months. Having a public blog that isn't anonymous makes things like this a little tricky - do I allow myself the time to debrief and express how I felt in the situation, understanding that those reading may come away with an inaccurate view of what happened, or do I keep silent because people know people and have ideas about things and it'sbetter just to not bring it up.
So I'm writing this with a disclaimer. These are my feelings and perceptions about what happened. I learned a long time ago that feelings are not always an accurate presentation of reality. At the same time, I need to be able to express and validate how I felt. Also know that I understand circumstances had a lot to do with how I felt, and I always give others the benefit of the doubt. I don't think anyone was intentionally doing thigns to make me feel that way, but more I was a victim of circumstance and miscomunication. Either way, it still hurts.
When I was on my internship I fell in love with the Summit. I fell in love with the people there, I fell in loe with the city, I bought into the vision and goals that the church had set out. When Jess and I talked about me coming back to be on staff I was excited and at peace about it. Ben and I both knew this was where God wanted us and that He would take care of us.
When we moed out here we were both anxious and excited. It was nice to be able to reconnect with people after being away for 5 months and so much changing. I wanted to jump right back into ministry. I was looking forward to support, encouragement and mentouring from those around me.
Unfortunately, as time went on, that's not what happened. Relationships became strained and something didn't feel right. Instead of being encouraged and supported I was feeling alone and isolated. Instead of people helping me to succeed and achiee my goals it felt as though they were waiting for me to make mistakes. No one came along side me to help, instead they stood at a distance watching, and talking. More than once I was told that expectations of others had not been met. The thing was, no one told me what the expectations were, or that they even existed.
I felt hurt, judged, and isolated. I felt as though no matter what I did it wouldn't be up to standards, because no one would tell me what those standards were. I tried to reach out to people, I made it clear that I was struggling and needed help, I asked for help and it was promised but never given. I got burnt out.
I admit most of this happened during my pregnancy when I was hormonal, emotional and super sensitive. I admit that could have affected how I was percieving things, but I'm not alone in how I saw things. Other people could see the strain in a few relationships and could see the undue pressure being put on me by others. I was told I just had to deal with it, that it was who they were, and to keep reaching out to them and once the relationship changed it would be better.
It hurt. It hurt a lot. Every event or project or responsibility I had put a tremendous ammount of stress on me. Added to that was the idea that I was the one who needed to deal with it and fix it. I thought that was just wrong, but there was nothing I could do.
When it came to the point I was loosing sleep and not functioning because of the stress I had to step back. I went on a break to destress and prepare for Hana's birth. It made me happy, it took the pressure off, and in my mind I was able to ignore the rift in relationships and work harder at rebuilding them - it was much easier now that there was nothing left for them to judge as far as my professional responsibilites.
When the church closed it was a blow, but not entierly a suprise. There were problems that I suppose I shouldn't discuss here. It was sad, it was hard, and the timing was horrible. Hana was born two days before the last service. I was still in the hospital and she was no where near ready to be discharged. People were organized to bring us meals the first week we were home an dit was wonderful.
After that, we were all alone. No phonecalls, no visits, no connectuon to anyone. I suppose I'm just as much to blame, I didn't call them as often as they didn't call me, but I was at home all alone with a new baby. And it wasn't everyone, a few did keep in touch and still do, and that's wonderful. But what about the others? Especially the ones who had been there and knew what it was like to be alone with kids? The ones who I had seen gather around others, having dinners, making phone calls, helping with advice and experience.
I think that's what hurt the most - ralizing that the relationships we thought we had were no more than professional. The relationships from the church melted into nothing the same way the relationships from my other job did. Ben and I both experienced isolation and rejection. Again, not from everyone, but enough that it still stings.
So maybe that's why I'm so happy being a stay at home mom. Maybe I'm scared to go back into ministry. Maybe thats why I feel as though the church closing is a personal failure.
Just so you know, I have forgive and moved on. I hold nothing against any of those from the summit. I understand life is busy and things happen. This is just part of the healing process.
So I'm writing this with a disclaimer. These are my feelings and perceptions about what happened. I learned a long time ago that feelings are not always an accurate presentation of reality. At the same time, I need to be able to express and validate how I felt. Also know that I understand circumstances had a lot to do with how I felt, and I always give others the benefit of the doubt. I don't think anyone was intentionally doing thigns to make me feel that way, but more I was a victim of circumstance and miscomunication. Either way, it still hurts.
When I was on my internship I fell in love with the Summit. I fell in love with the people there, I fell in loe with the city, I bought into the vision and goals that the church had set out. When Jess and I talked about me coming back to be on staff I was excited and at peace about it. Ben and I both knew this was where God wanted us and that He would take care of us.
When we moed out here we were both anxious and excited. It was nice to be able to reconnect with people after being away for 5 months and so much changing. I wanted to jump right back into ministry. I was looking forward to support, encouragement and mentouring from those around me.
Unfortunately, as time went on, that's not what happened. Relationships became strained and something didn't feel right. Instead of being encouraged and supported I was feeling alone and isolated. Instead of people helping me to succeed and achiee my goals it felt as though they were waiting for me to make mistakes. No one came along side me to help, instead they stood at a distance watching, and talking. More than once I was told that expectations of others had not been met. The thing was, no one told me what the expectations were, or that they even existed.
I felt hurt, judged, and isolated. I felt as though no matter what I did it wouldn't be up to standards, because no one would tell me what those standards were. I tried to reach out to people, I made it clear that I was struggling and needed help, I asked for help and it was promised but never given. I got burnt out.
I admit most of this happened during my pregnancy when I was hormonal, emotional and super sensitive. I admit that could have affected how I was percieving things, but I'm not alone in how I saw things. Other people could see the strain in a few relationships and could see the undue pressure being put on me by others. I was told I just had to deal with it, that it was who they were, and to keep reaching out to them and once the relationship changed it would be better.
It hurt. It hurt a lot. Every event or project or responsibility I had put a tremendous ammount of stress on me. Added to that was the idea that I was the one who needed to deal with it and fix it. I thought that was just wrong, but there was nothing I could do.
When it came to the point I was loosing sleep and not functioning because of the stress I had to step back. I went on a break to destress and prepare for Hana's birth. It made me happy, it took the pressure off, and in my mind I was able to ignore the rift in relationships and work harder at rebuilding them - it was much easier now that there was nothing left for them to judge as far as my professional responsibilites.
When the church closed it was a blow, but not entierly a suprise. There were problems that I suppose I shouldn't discuss here. It was sad, it was hard, and the timing was horrible. Hana was born two days before the last service. I was still in the hospital and she was no where near ready to be discharged. People were organized to bring us meals the first week we were home an dit was wonderful.
After that, we were all alone. No phonecalls, no visits, no connectuon to anyone. I suppose I'm just as much to blame, I didn't call them as often as they didn't call me, but I was at home all alone with a new baby. And it wasn't everyone, a few did keep in touch and still do, and that's wonderful. But what about the others? Especially the ones who had been there and knew what it was like to be alone with kids? The ones who I had seen gather around others, having dinners, making phone calls, helping with advice and experience.
I think that's what hurt the most - ralizing that the relationships we thought we had were no more than professional. The relationships from the church melted into nothing the same way the relationships from my other job did. Ben and I both experienced isolation and rejection. Again, not from everyone, but enough that it still stings.
So maybe that's why I'm so happy being a stay at home mom. Maybe I'm scared to go back into ministry. Maybe thats why I feel as though the church closing is a personal failure.
Just so you know, I have forgive and moved on. I hold nothing against any of those from the summit. I understand life is busy and things happen. This is just part of the healing process.
Friday, March 02, 2007
Beautiful Moment
I'm part of a playgroup here. It's wonderful, I et out of the house, spend time with other moms and et to see lots of adorable children.
Yesterday while there I saw the most beautiful thing. A mother was nursing her two dauhters at the same time. The younger was 11 months and the older was a little over 2 years. Both were curled up with her, the older in her lap, the younger beside her. The older sister was playin with the younger ones hair. I was struck by how simple and wonderful it was. A beautiful picture of the bond between mother and daughter and between sister.
And it got me thinking
And it made me a little sad.
I won't have that experience. I wonder what Hana will think when I start nursin her future siblings. Will she remember all the struggles we had? Will she wonder why they don't get bottles and she did? What will I do if she wants to try nursing too?
All questions that I can't answer now, things that just have to stay in the "wait and see" pile. So I'll leave them there and just remember what a beautiful thing that was to see.
Yesterday while there I saw the most beautiful thing. A mother was nursing her two dauhters at the same time. The younger was 11 months and the older was a little over 2 years. Both were curled up with her, the older in her lap, the younger beside her. The older sister was playin with the younger ones hair. I was struck by how simple and wonderful it was. A beautiful picture of the bond between mother and daughter and between sister.
And it got me thinking
And it made me a little sad.
I won't have that experience. I wonder what Hana will think when I start nursin her future siblings. Will she remember all the struggles we had? Will she wonder why they don't get bottles and she did? What will I do if she wants to try nursing too?
All questions that I can't answer now, things that just have to stay in the "wait and see" pile. So I'll leave them there and just remember what a beautiful thing that was to see.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Things you can learn from a baby
- When something happens and you're not sure how to react, smile or make a funny face
- taste everything you get your hands on, you never know when you'll find something good.
- it's ok to pout as long as you let people try and make you happy
- nap and enjoy it
- spend as much time as you can exploring
- talk to the people you love, even if the words don't make sense
- if all else fails, kick your feet and flail your arms, you'll at least make someone smile
- taste everything you get your hands on, you never know when you'll find something good.
- it's ok to pout as long as you let people try and make you happy
- nap and enjoy it
- spend as much time as you can exploring
- talk to the people you love, even if the words don't make sense
- if all else fails, kick your feet and flail your arms, you'll at least make someone smile
Monday, February 26, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Insomnia Sucks
Since my teens I've battled with periotic bouts of insomnia. I remember going a few weeks at a time when I'd sleep from about 4:30-6, am and pm (without the naps I don't think I could have functioned) and that was it. At BBC it was better some years than others, but I generally slept pretty well, only having two or 3 weeks each year where I'd get less than 4 hrs. a night. Since graduation my sleep has been pretty good, but I still get the occasional few nights where I just can't sleep.
For a long time I thought it was stress or other issues that were keeping me from sleep, but over the years there hasn't been any consistant reason for me not sleeping. Like right now, I'm relaxed, I had a wonderful day (I got most of my house clean, spent time with friends, played with my baby and had time with my husband, what could be better than that?), and there's nothing stressful going on in my life. I'm tired, but I laid in bed for 30 mins and didn't fall asleep.
So now I'm up trying to do something useful for a bit and then I'll try again. Thankfully Ben has baby duty tonight and in the morning so I should be able to sleep in.
yawn.....
For a long time I thought it was stress or other issues that were keeping me from sleep, but over the years there hasn't been any consistant reason for me not sleeping. Like right now, I'm relaxed, I had a wonderful day (I got most of my house clean, spent time with friends, played with my baby and had time with my husband, what could be better than that?), and there's nothing stressful going on in my life. I'm tired, but I laid in bed for 30 mins and didn't fall asleep.
So now I'm up trying to do something useful for a bit and then I'll try again. Thankfully Ben has baby duty tonight and in the morning so I should be able to sleep in.
yawn.....
Friday, February 23, 2007
I'm the wheel.
In a recent conversation with some wonderful women, the question "do you ever feel like a hamster in a wheel" came up. After some thought I realized I don't feel like the hamster, I feel like the wheel.
There have been times that I've been the hamster, that I've been running around in circles trying to get things done. Usually it was because of some poor planning or stubbornness on my part, so basically I was choosing to get on the wheel and in theory I could choose to get off.
Now I feel like I'm going in circles, but they're not mine. My routines are dictated by the routines of others around me - Ben's schedule, Hana's needs, my mother's daily phone calls etc. All of these things have a HUGE impact on how my day goes and I sort of have to work around them. My life goes in cycles, but they're not mine.
It's not that I mind so much. I'm pretty happy with the routines and predictability. And it's not like I have no say in what I do, Hana is consistant enough in her routine (most days, this week, not so much, but I'm pretty sure it's teeth) that I can go out and do what I want pretty much any time. Still, every now and then I feel the wear and tear of going in circles, and there doesn't seem to be any way off.
To keep the mediphore, I suppose I could just come to a dead stop and fling that perverbial hamster to the floor and watch him scramble to try and figure out what's wrong. In fact, there are some days where it feels like that's what's going to happen, regardless of whether I want it to or not. It wouldn't be go, it would leave those around me scrambling and out of sorts, and that's not healthy for anyone.
So for now I'm accapting that I am the wheel, even on the days when I'm not so happy about it. The vast majority of the time I don't mind at all, it even feels like it's what I was "made" to do. And when it does get to me, I suppose I can always just ask the hamster to take a break.
There have been times that I've been the hamster, that I've been running around in circles trying to get things done. Usually it was because of some poor planning or stubbornness on my part, so basically I was choosing to get on the wheel and in theory I could choose to get off.
Now I feel like I'm going in circles, but they're not mine. My routines are dictated by the routines of others around me - Ben's schedule, Hana's needs, my mother's daily phone calls etc. All of these things have a HUGE impact on how my day goes and I sort of have to work around them. My life goes in cycles, but they're not mine.
It's not that I mind so much. I'm pretty happy with the routines and predictability. And it's not like I have no say in what I do, Hana is consistant enough in her routine (most days, this week, not so much, but I'm pretty sure it's teeth) that I can go out and do what I want pretty much any time. Still, every now and then I feel the wear and tear of going in circles, and there doesn't seem to be any way off.
To keep the mediphore, I suppose I could just come to a dead stop and fling that perverbial hamster to the floor and watch him scramble to try and figure out what's wrong. In fact, there are some days where it feels like that's what's going to happen, regardless of whether I want it to or not. It wouldn't be go, it would leave those around me scrambling and out of sorts, and that's not healthy for anyone.
So for now I'm accapting that I am the wheel, even on the days when I'm not so happy about it. The vast majority of the time I don't mind at all, it even feels like it's what I was "made" to do. And when it does get to me, I suppose I can always just ask the hamster to take a break.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Randomness
I couldn't sleep last night. Here is some of what was in my head:
- if people don't believe in Christ then they are already lost, so why do we care about what they do beyond that, none of that matters for their eternity.
- if doing the right didn't hurt sometimes, if it were always easy, then I think it would be harder to tell that we're doing the right thing.
- a loss of friendship hurts
- love is much to easy of a word to throw around. If we restricted ourselves to only using it when it was true (patient, kind, humble, keeping no record of rongs, not self-seeking etc.) a lot of people would be spared a lot of hurt, and I think we would tryly love more instead of half loving some.
- next april I want to try for another baby (yeah, and I said my first one wouldn't be until Ben and I had been married two years....)
- God still loves me even when my house is a mess and I havn't showered for 2 days
- this is not where I thought my life would be at this point, but i wouldn't have it any other way
- if people don't believe in Christ then they are already lost, so why do we care about what they do beyond that, none of that matters for their eternity.
- if doing the right didn't hurt sometimes, if it were always easy, then I think it would be harder to tell that we're doing the right thing.
- a loss of friendship hurts
- love is much to easy of a word to throw around. If we restricted ourselves to only using it when it was true (patient, kind, humble, keeping no record of rongs, not self-seeking etc.) a lot of people would be spared a lot of hurt, and I think we would tryly love more instead of half loving some.
- next april I want to try for another baby (yeah, and I said my first one wouldn't be until Ben and I had been married two years....)
- God still loves me even when my house is a mess and I havn't showered for 2 days
- this is not where I thought my life would be at this point, but i wouldn't have it any other way
Monday, February 12, 2007
Redeemed
Some of you may remember my posts from this time last year (here and here) about how this is a hard time for me. For those of you who won't click the links, I went through 8 years of depression and self injury, the last time I intentionally hurt myself was Feb. 13, 2001, just about 6 years ago. It's bittersweet, every time I come to this time of year I am reminded of all the years that were taken from me, time that was stolen because I was trapped. I was trapped in guilt, in fear, in shame and in all the pain that was both the cause and result of my actions.
I also think of how far I have come. To have been healed of my depression, to have overcome the addiction of self harm, to have learned new ways to cope, to feel the joy of life.
According to many who research self harm, it's causes and effects, I'm still not free. Like alcoholism or a drug addiction, they say that I will always be what I was, a cutter. Accodring to many the addiction and desire wait in me like a cancer, and if my defenses go down I'll be consumed again. In a way I can see thier point. It's only when I'm stressed or exhausted that I even think about it anymore, but it's been a long time, months, since the idea of harming myself has come to mind. I know that if I'm not careful, if I forget, it could come back. That's why I always wanted to remember this time of year, remember what I was, where I was going, and who I have become.
And then God interviened again.
I've been wanting to post this for a while, but made myself wait until close to the aniversary. This is close enough. Something else happened this time of year last year. My daughter was concieved. God took a time of pain, of fear, or mourning, and has redeemed it into a time of joy and celebration.
I know I don't need to be afraid anymore. There is no cancerous addiction at bay within me. I have been redeemed, cleansed and made whole. This is no longer a time of mourning the life that I had, but a time of celebrating the new life that was created.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above, ye heav'ly hosts
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Amen
I also think of how far I have come. To have been healed of my depression, to have overcome the addiction of self harm, to have learned new ways to cope, to feel the joy of life.
According to many who research self harm, it's causes and effects, I'm still not free. Like alcoholism or a drug addiction, they say that I will always be what I was, a cutter. Accodring to many the addiction and desire wait in me like a cancer, and if my defenses go down I'll be consumed again. In a way I can see thier point. It's only when I'm stressed or exhausted that I even think about it anymore, but it's been a long time, months, since the idea of harming myself has come to mind. I know that if I'm not careful, if I forget, it could come back. That's why I always wanted to remember this time of year, remember what I was, where I was going, and who I have become.
And then God interviened again.
I've been wanting to post this for a while, but made myself wait until close to the aniversary. This is close enough. Something else happened this time of year last year. My daughter was concieved. God took a time of pain, of fear, or mourning, and has redeemed it into a time of joy and celebration.
I know I don't need to be afraid anymore. There is no cancerous addiction at bay within me. I have been redeemed, cleansed and made whole. This is no longer a time of mourning the life that I had, but a time of celebrating the new life that was created.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above, ye heav'ly hosts
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost
Amen
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Pure Insanity
The Lactivist Breastfeeding Blog: Overzealous Big Pork Stomps on Breastfeeding Blogger
This is insane. For those of you who don't click the link, bascially a work-at-home-mom promotes breastfeeding and sells a few slogan tshirts, one of which says "the other white milk", an obvious parody of the "Pork - the other white meat" slogans. Well, apparently it's too close of a parody and the National Pork Board (who knew that even existed!) is threatening to sue her if she doesn't remove the shirts from the internet and distroy any that havn't already been sold. Their reasoning - the slogan "tarnishes the good reputation of the National Port Board's mark" because she of her "apparent attempt to promote the use of breastmilk beyond merely for infant consumption".
So yeah, crazy!
This is insane. For those of you who don't click the link, bascially a work-at-home-mom promotes breastfeeding and sells a few slogan tshirts, one of which says "the other white milk", an obvious parody of the "Pork - the other white meat" slogans. Well, apparently it's too close of a parody and the National Pork Board (who knew that even existed!) is threatening to sue her if she doesn't remove the shirts from the internet and distroy any that havn't already been sold. Their reasoning - the slogan "tarnishes the good reputation of the National Port Board's mark" because she of her "apparent attempt to promote the use of breastmilk beyond merely for infant consumption".
So yeah, crazy!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Just a thought.....
Maybe if people would smile more they'd forget the reasons they don't
Maybe if we actually acknowledged the people we walk by every day no one would feel all alone in the world.
Maybe if every purghess had a 3 day waiting period we'd all be less in debt.
Maybe if we learned to forgive ourselves we'd have an eaiser time forgiving other people.
Maybe if we ate cookies or ice cream more often we'd be happier.
Maybe if we trusted eachother we'd get hurt less often.
Maybe if we let ourselves be loved we'd be able to love others.
Maybe if we turned off the TV we'd find other things we're interested in.
Maybe if we actually acknowledged the people we walk by every day no one would feel all alone in the world.
Maybe if every purghess had a 3 day waiting period we'd all be less in debt.
Maybe if we learned to forgive ourselves we'd have an eaiser time forgiving other people.
Maybe if we ate cookies or ice cream more often we'd be happier.
Maybe if we trusted eachother we'd get hurt less often.
Maybe if we let ourselves be loved we'd be able to love others.
Maybe if we turned off the TV we'd find other things we're interested in.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Waking up
I feel almost like I've been asleep for a long time. That foggy place between being fully rested and still exhausted. I am at a point when I realize I need to heal, and at the same time realize that is what I've been doing the last few months.
Last year was hard. I think most of the hard was due to overactive emotions caused by pregnancy. I think without those I would have been able to handle everything else much better. On the flip side, I think without all the other things I would have enjoyed my pregnancy much more.
I'm laughing a lot again. Not that I wasn't laughing before. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't fully me. Like in a dream when you half know something but not really. I can't really explain it, but it's there.
I'm realizing that I need to settle. That I need a home, a routine, some predictability in my life. Too much has happened, too much has changed. Since I graduated high school I havn't lived in any one place for more than a year. We've been in this appartment since Jan. 1 2006 so it's the running winner, but it's still not home. It's not ours. Trust me, if it were ours it wouldn't look like this. I want a home. I want a place I can have a bath, paint the walls, not have to look at orange vynle.
Someday we'll be settled, and we'll rest, and then I'll start to get that itch for something new again I'm sure.
Last year was hard. I think most of the hard was due to overactive emotions caused by pregnancy. I think without those I would have been able to handle everything else much better. On the flip side, I think without all the other things I would have enjoyed my pregnancy much more.
I'm laughing a lot again. Not that I wasn't laughing before. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't fully me. Like in a dream when you half know something but not really. I can't really explain it, but it's there.
I'm realizing that I need to settle. That I need a home, a routine, some predictability in my life. Too much has happened, too much has changed. Since I graduated high school I havn't lived in any one place for more than a year. We've been in this appartment since Jan. 1 2006 so it's the running winner, but it's still not home. It's not ours. Trust me, if it were ours it wouldn't look like this. I want a home. I want a place I can have a bath, paint the walls, not have to look at orange vynle.
Someday we'll be settled, and we'll rest, and then I'll start to get that itch for something new again I'm sure.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
ouch
I broke my toe. My left index toe to be exact. I stubbed it on Hana's swing. Stupid swing. Ok, not so stupid swing, she loves sitting in it and chatting to the horses...or the bars, or whatever it is she sees above her to the left. Now I know why some people think babies see ghosts. Ok, I'm rambling, time for bed.
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