Is't it amazing how wrong we can be sometimes. Isn't it such a shame how we allow fears to drive us instead of folowing what God wants us to do, even when we claim to know that He will never do anything to harm us. Except i don't think fear is the real problem, because it's usually not fear for our lives that stops us, but fear for our reputation, fear of changing how others view us, which is not fear at all, but pride.
I've been working through some stuff lately, and the result is wonderful, even when part of me feared that to deal with this issue would destroy me. My past was haunting me again, but God has shown me that it has no power over me, that He has already redeemed me, and now it is up to me to claim my position as His chosen.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
I Will Celebrate
Today marks five years that I have lived without intentionally harming myself. Yes, it's also Valentines day, but I've never really needed an excuse to tell those close to me that I love them. The two days have absolutely nothing to do with eachother, except that I am reminded of just how much God loves me.
Five years ago, after telling God that He had to fix me or I was giving up, it was as if the Spirit gave a sigh of relief. God had been trying to get to me, trying to show me that He would love me deeper than I had been hurt, that His care would go further than the damage that had been done, that He would mould me back into the person that He created me to be, the person that He always saw me as. And finally I let Him.
No, it didn't happen instantly, well, at least not all of it. For much of my life up to that point I had lived with what I called the shadow. It was the darkness and heaviness that seemed to consume me, the voice in my head telling me all the horrible things about myself that I wished weren't true. When I worke up on Feb 14 2001 the shadow was gone. I smiled. I felt alive in a way that I had very seldom experienced. For the first time in years I wore a skirt without shorts underneath to hide my scars (or blood from possible additions). It was my day. I was free. Free to start healing.
Healing has been a long process. Everything didn't just go away, I had to deal with issues....I still have to deal with some of them. But I learned God's immense love.
Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide
Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higer than this wordly place
Longer than the road I traveled
Wider than the gap You fill
I wish I could truly express the truth of that song. I thought that if God knew the depths of my sin, of my pain, of what I had gone through, He would abandon me. I have learned in the last five years that God can take the most horrible circumstances and use them for His glory. I thought that if people knew the secrets I kept that they would say horrible things to me and about me....I learned that most people have amazing understanding and grace, and when they don't, God makes up for it. I thought that I would be forever struggling, forever crippled, forever bound to the cycle of pain.
I have learned what it means to be free.
There are still days that the thoughts enter my mind, but it's more like a memory than a desire. This time of year is especially hard on me, but it gets better each time.
Today was my day, and it was good. Each day I live is a gift that I was ready to throw away, and I am so thankful for God's grace and patience and all He has done for me.
Five years ago, after telling God that He had to fix me or I was giving up, it was as if the Spirit gave a sigh of relief. God had been trying to get to me, trying to show me that He would love me deeper than I had been hurt, that His care would go further than the damage that had been done, that He would mould me back into the person that He created me to be, the person that He always saw me as. And finally I let Him.
No, it didn't happen instantly, well, at least not all of it. For much of my life up to that point I had lived with what I called the shadow. It was the darkness and heaviness that seemed to consume me, the voice in my head telling me all the horrible things about myself that I wished weren't true. When I worke up on Feb 14 2001 the shadow was gone. I smiled. I felt alive in a way that I had very seldom experienced. For the first time in years I wore a skirt without shorts underneath to hide my scars (or blood from possible additions). It was my day. I was free. Free to start healing.
Healing has been a long process. Everything didn't just go away, I had to deal with issues....I still have to deal with some of them. But I learned God's immense love.
Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide
Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higer than this wordly place
Longer than the road I traveled
Wider than the gap You fill
I wish I could truly express the truth of that song. I thought that if God knew the depths of my sin, of my pain, of what I had gone through, He would abandon me. I have learned in the last five years that God can take the most horrible circumstances and use them for His glory. I thought that if people knew the secrets I kept that they would say horrible things to me and about me....I learned that most people have amazing understanding and grace, and when they don't, God makes up for it. I thought that I would be forever struggling, forever crippled, forever bound to the cycle of pain.
I have learned what it means to be free.
There are still days that the thoughts enter my mind, but it's more like a memory than a desire. This time of year is especially hard on me, but it gets better each time.
Today was my day, and it was good. Each day I live is a gift that I was ready to throw away, and I am so thankful for God's grace and patience and all He has done for me.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Ritual Mourning
today is a bad day. It's an intentional bad day tho, so it's not all bad. Let me explain...
Hello, my name is stephanie, i'm a recovering cutter
(hi stephanie)
From the time i was in fifth grade until 5 years ago today i was a cutter. things weren't always good, and then they got bad, that was my way of dealing with it. Sometimes i would hurt myself (i also burrned and tried other forms of self harm) multiple times a day, sometimes i would go for months without even thinking about it. I thought i was a freak, that i was a horrible awful person, then i realized that there are a lot of people who had the same problem (estimates are between 5 and 10% of the population, but i would guess higher) and i started calling myself a cutter. it was a badge of honour and shame, a secret hidden part of me that few could know about.
I tried to stop a few times, it seemed simple, just don't do it. It's not that simple. There are chemices released whenever a person is injured that bring a calming feeling, and like any other chemicle, it can be addictive. There were days that even when I didn't want to cut I *needed* to, and then any time life got hard again it was impossible to resist. I couldn't go for help, I couldn't even tell God about it, I felt disgusting.
Finally, February 13, 2001, I had enough. I felt fake, numb, lifeless, horrible and I was sick of it. I gave God an ultimatum - either He fixed me or I was done with life. I had cut that night, and the night before, and a few times the day before that, and I was sick of it. I refused to live that way any longer.
That night was one of the worst I can remember. And I refuse to forget it. God delivered me - I will celebrate (and explain) that deliverance tomarrow, but tonight I remember. I don't want to forget what I went through, what I came from, what God did in my life. Like the worman who poured oil on Jesus' feet - i love much because i have been forgiven much.
Hello, my name is stephanie, i'm a recovering cutter
(hi stephanie)
From the time i was in fifth grade until 5 years ago today i was a cutter. things weren't always good, and then they got bad, that was my way of dealing with it. Sometimes i would hurt myself (i also burrned and tried other forms of self harm) multiple times a day, sometimes i would go for months without even thinking about it. I thought i was a freak, that i was a horrible awful person, then i realized that there are a lot of people who had the same problem (estimates are between 5 and 10% of the population, but i would guess higher) and i started calling myself a cutter. it was a badge of honour and shame, a secret hidden part of me that few could know about.
I tried to stop a few times, it seemed simple, just don't do it. It's not that simple. There are chemices released whenever a person is injured that bring a calming feeling, and like any other chemicle, it can be addictive. There were days that even when I didn't want to cut I *needed* to, and then any time life got hard again it was impossible to resist. I couldn't go for help, I couldn't even tell God about it, I felt disgusting.
Finally, February 13, 2001, I had enough. I felt fake, numb, lifeless, horrible and I was sick of it. I gave God an ultimatum - either He fixed me or I was done with life. I had cut that night, and the night before, and a few times the day before that, and I was sick of it. I refused to live that way any longer.
That night was one of the worst I can remember. And I refuse to forget it. God delivered me - I will celebrate (and explain) that deliverance tomarrow, but tonight I remember. I don't want to forget what I went through, what I came from, what God did in my life. Like the worman who poured oil on Jesus' feet - i love much because i have been forgiven much.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Out of town
Ben and I are heading down to Rapid City SD for the pastors and wives....i mean spouses retreat. See you next Friday!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Fighting Well
One of the girls I work with asked me the other day if Ben and I ever fight. If you know me, you know the answer. I am a passionate fighter from a long line of good distinguished fighters both of the inebriated and non-inebriated persuasion. Over the years I've trained in various aruments and debates, honing my skills. What you may not realize if you know Ben and I is that he is a fighter as well.
Maybe I should clarify what I mean by fighting, I wouldn't want to start any nasty rumers or have anyone having misconceptions about our relationship. What I mean by fighting is that Ben and I stand up for what we think, feel, and believe, we're honest in those three areas which inevitably leads to disagreements which need to be sorted out.
It took Ben a while to learn how to fight. His (and most people's) reaction to conflight is to run and hide or otherwise make it go away. Basically he would back down in hopes of making me happy. It was a sweet gesture, but wasn't what i wanted.
There is something so special in knowing someone is willing to stand up for what they think, that they will passionatly share with you waht is in their heart and try and make you understand, even if the process is difficult. Arguments, disagreemnts, fights, whatever you want to call them, allow us to get to know one another, makes sure that there is nothing interfeaing with the relationship. But only if it is done well.
Ben and I have learned how to fight well. Or should I say we're learning how to fight well. Usually we can get through a disagreement wihtut any feelings hurt, but we're not perfect. We have rules. We can't go back over thigns that are already delt with. Thats been hard for me, i tend to bring up old stuff, it gets ugly. I've also had to learn to not raise my voice so much (and Ben has learned to raise his a bit). We also can't make things bigger than they are. We can deal with being frustrated because something isn't done, dealing with soeone being a complete and utter failure is a bit harder.
The most important thing about fighting well is to always clear the air before the end of the day. There are times that we do leave the situation still angry because sometimes fights start before work etc. but the day can't end until we're settled, happy, and have a greater understanding of eachother. We're not trying to win, we're not trying to be right, we're trying to understand and be understood.
Maybe I should clarify what I mean by fighting, I wouldn't want to start any nasty rumers or have anyone having misconceptions about our relationship. What I mean by fighting is that Ben and I stand up for what we think, feel, and believe, we're honest in those three areas which inevitably leads to disagreements which need to be sorted out.
It took Ben a while to learn how to fight. His (and most people's) reaction to conflight is to run and hide or otherwise make it go away. Basically he would back down in hopes of making me happy. It was a sweet gesture, but wasn't what i wanted.
There is something so special in knowing someone is willing to stand up for what they think, that they will passionatly share with you waht is in their heart and try and make you understand, even if the process is difficult. Arguments, disagreemnts, fights, whatever you want to call them, allow us to get to know one another, makes sure that there is nothing interfeaing with the relationship. But only if it is done well.
Ben and I have learned how to fight well. Or should I say we're learning how to fight well. Usually we can get through a disagreement wihtut any feelings hurt, but we're not perfect. We have rules. We can't go back over thigns that are already delt with. Thats been hard for me, i tend to bring up old stuff, it gets ugly. I've also had to learn to not raise my voice so much (and Ben has learned to raise his a bit). We also can't make things bigger than they are. We can deal with being frustrated because something isn't done, dealing with soeone being a complete and utter failure is a bit harder.
The most important thing about fighting well is to always clear the air before the end of the day. There are times that we do leave the situation still angry because sometimes fights start before work etc. but the day can't end until we're settled, happy, and have a greater understanding of eachother. We're not trying to win, we're not trying to be right, we're trying to understand and be understood.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
On Being Married
Have I mentioned how much I love my husband and how great it is to be married? No, ok then, I should start doing that more often.
I've also realized since being married that men and women really do have some funimental differences in how they think. At first I thought it was just Ben and I but the more I talk to other womena nd other couples I think it's a bit more universal.
First off, men have many fewer emotions than women. I think Ben has 4 (don't worry, he knows i'm blogging about this and finds the difference qite funny too). If he is feeling something it must fit into these four emotions, or he really doesn't know what to do with it, so he dismisses it. Women, on the other hand have many many emotions to choose from. Now, in my oppinion that makes communicationa little easier - you only need to clarify a few personal connotations instead of engaging in full fledged 20 questions to learn how the other person is feeling, but i've learned that, if i'm persistant, i can usually figure out what type of "happy" ben means if he says he's happy.
Another difference i've noticed is that men have the ability to not think. Women on the other hand have the ability to think various thoughts at the same time. It's like having layers of thought...one layer might be going over a song thats stuck in your head, another writing a list of things that need to be done, another mentaly writing an email to a friend and another listening to whatever is happening. This is usually natural all the time for women, every now and then something takes up a cople extra layers and we sem distracted, but usually we can cope fairly well. Rarely have i known a woman to be thinking nothing. they may say their thinking nothing, but they know that there was somehting going through their brain. Men on the otherhand can answer "nothing" quite honestly. It's taking me some time to get used to this.
These are just a couple observations so far, i'll share more as i keep learning
I've also realized since being married that men and women really do have some funimental differences in how they think. At first I thought it was just Ben and I but the more I talk to other womena nd other couples I think it's a bit more universal.
First off, men have many fewer emotions than women. I think Ben has 4 (don't worry, he knows i'm blogging about this and finds the difference qite funny too). If he is feeling something it must fit into these four emotions, or he really doesn't know what to do with it, so he dismisses it. Women, on the other hand have many many emotions to choose from. Now, in my oppinion that makes communicationa little easier - you only need to clarify a few personal connotations instead of engaging in full fledged 20 questions to learn how the other person is feeling, but i've learned that, if i'm persistant, i can usually figure out what type of "happy" ben means if he says he's happy.
Another difference i've noticed is that men have the ability to not think. Women on the other hand have the ability to think various thoughts at the same time. It's like having layers of thought...one layer might be going over a song thats stuck in your head, another writing a list of things that need to be done, another mentaly writing an email to a friend and another listening to whatever is happening. This is usually natural all the time for women, every now and then something takes up a cople extra layers and we sem distracted, but usually we can cope fairly well. Rarely have i known a woman to be thinking nothing. they may say their thinking nothing, but they know that there was somehting going through their brain. Men on the otherhand can answer "nothing" quite honestly. It's taking me some time to get used to this.
These are just a couple observations so far, i'll share more as i keep learning
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Happyness Anyone?
There is something different about me. I try to explain it but all that comes out it s"I'm happy". Now for those of you who know about my history, no, I wasn't depressed again. I actually don't remember being not happy. But there is a definate difference in how I feel this week comepared to...well...before. I don't get it, but I like it. I sing, and I laugh, and I play with kids and share moments with friends. I did all that before this new happy feeling, but now it's different. It means more.
I donno, I don't get it, but I love it. I'm sitting here smiling at my computer.
P.S. pictures of new ugly apparment to come
I donno, I don't get it, but I love it. I'm sitting here smiling at my computer.
P.S. pictures of new ugly apparment to come
Friday, January 06, 2006
Testing/Exercising Faith
I believe in God's power. I have seen God provide for people in amaizing ways, including myself. And yet I still sometimes have trouble believing it will happen. I still doubt, I still try to take care of things or provide for myself.
Life this new job. I had been wanting for months to quit at La Senza, but it never felt like the right thing to do. A few times I actually got up the nerve to apply for a job but didn't get it (which is very odd in this city, there are more jobs than people to work them, and I was always qualified) which was very discouraging and heart breaking. I couldn't understand why God was making me stay there and telling me it wasn't the right place for me at the same time.
Then, through contacts from La Senza I got my new job. It's not perfect, but it's good. And the people I work with are great. For ministry, it's a pretty strategic place to be. God took care of me, even through my doubts and unbelief.
Not that I don't believe tho....that's the thing. I just don't know how to use my faith. I dn't know how to live my belief sometimes. It's hard to trust, even when I know.
Life this new job. I had been wanting for months to quit at La Senza, but it never felt like the right thing to do. A few times I actually got up the nerve to apply for a job but didn't get it (which is very odd in this city, there are more jobs than people to work them, and I was always qualified) which was very discouraging and heart breaking. I couldn't understand why God was making me stay there and telling me it wasn't the right place for me at the same time.
Then, through contacts from La Senza I got my new job. It's not perfect, but it's good. And the people I work with are great. For ministry, it's a pretty strategic place to be. God took care of me, even through my doubts and unbelief.
Not that I don't believe tho....that's the thing. I just don't know how to use my faith. I dn't know how to live my belief sometimes. It's hard to trust, even when I know.
Miss Me?
I know, I havn't blogged for a long time. It's been a crazy month. Ben and I are almos tsettled in, my new job is great and I honestly and truly feel happy and at peace. Not that I havn't been happy or peaceful lately, I was just really stressed. I hadn't realized how much pressure I felt from work. My new job is much less stress, even though things are a bit hectic right now.
I'm also realizing how much I like communicating with people. To all my friends, I miss you. I don't have any long distance right now and I've lost most people's emails (i know, I'm horrible at keeping in touch) my email is sperry@the summit.ca if you want to say hi....I'd appriciate it.
I'm also learning a lot of thigns lately, but I'm trying to keep things to one major idea per blog, so you'll have to wait til later to find out what.
I'm also realizing how much I like communicating with people. To all my friends, I miss you. I don't have any long distance right now and I've lost most people's emails (i know, I'm horrible at keeping in touch) my email is sperry@the summit.ca if you want to say hi....I'd appriciate it.
I'm also learning a lot of thigns lately, but I'm trying to keep things to one major idea per blog, so you'll have to wait til later to find out what.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Finished the first book and other news
I finished Black by Ted Dekker, it was a good book, I definately would recommend it.
In other news, as of December 23 (or sooner) Ben and I will be the new residents of the 4404 39th Av NW basement suite. Yup, we have an appartment of our own. This brings a lot of challenges, including my sudden realization that a desk and bookcase just don't cut it as furniture, but is absolutely wonderful. Not only is it cheep with everything included, it's also a pretty nice place. Let me know when you plan on coming to visit. Another plus is that it's only about a 10 minute walk from the mall I work at.
Which brings me to the other news. I quit my job. But only because I had an offer from a friend for a better job at another store. I'm done at La Sena this coming Friday (the 16th) and start at Esprit on the following Monday (the 19th...did I mention we're moving on the 23?....what is it with me and grouping major changes all at once?) It sucks that I'm leaving at Christmas, especially when the store was already short staffed (and for some reason the other full timers decided to quit as well) but the new position pays more and will be less stressful in general. Basically I'll make the same ammount in 4 days at the new store as I was making working 40 hours at the old one.
So that's life at the moment, I'll let you know if anything else changes
In other news, as of December 23 (or sooner) Ben and I will be the new residents of the 4404 39th Av NW basement suite. Yup, we have an appartment of our own. This brings a lot of challenges, including my sudden realization that a desk and bookcase just don't cut it as furniture, but is absolutely wonderful. Not only is it cheep with everything included, it's also a pretty nice place. Let me know when you plan on coming to visit. Another plus is that it's only about a 10 minute walk from the mall I work at.
Which brings me to the other news. I quit my job. But only because I had an offer from a friend for a better job at another store. I'm done at La Sena this coming Friday (the 16th) and start at Esprit on the following Monday (the 19th...did I mention we're moving on the 23?....what is it with me and grouping major changes all at once?) It sucks that I'm leaving at Christmas, especially when the store was already short staffed (and for some reason the other full timers decided to quit as well) but the new position pays more and will be less stressful in general. Basically I'll make the same ammount in 4 days at the new store as I was making working 40 hours at the old one.
So that's life at the moment, I'll let you know if anything else changes
Friday, December 09, 2005
On the Band Wagon
I decided I'd try my hand at the 50 book challenge. I'm not too concerned about the difficulty because I estimate that I read about that number of books in a year anyway.
Currently reading : Captivating and Black
Currently reading : Captivating and Black
Friday, December 02, 2005
Broken Hearted
I've discovered that I have a passion for people who have searched for God and been swallowed up by false organizations, specifically JW's and Mormons.
I have a friend who is JW, we've known each other for a little more than a year. Her heart longs for God, I have no doubt in my mind about that, but she is controlled, lied to, decieved. We were talking one time and she was amazed that we had anything in common in our beliefs at all. This is because she has been taught that every church outside of the watchtower works for satan in decieving people.
It might shock some people that there is any truth in the Watchtower Society, but there is. They do have the Bible, they just grosly misinterpret it. My desire is to see my friend be exposed to truth and come to a saving knowledge of Christ. She wants God, she is seeking truth, and alredy I think she is realizing that truth can exist outside of what she has been told.
It's dangerous work what I'm trying to do. She could be shunned by her family, including her husband. She has been told that even spending time with people like me could jepordize her standing in the eyes of God. But truth calls her.
I don't tell her that her beliefs are wrong. I don't even tell her she's being controlled and lied to - at least not yet. She is seeking truth, and I am exposing her to as much of it as I can.
This week I also had the opportunity to meet with some Mormon missionaries. They said at the beginning to listent o the impressions of my heart as they talked. And so I did. And what I felt was heavy - opression, lies, deception. I told them that. They were, at least, at one point they had been, searching for God. THey found answers, they found logic and a prospeous promise. They devoted themselves to the organization, and in doing so gave up their quest for God eternal. As we spoke two of them lsitened, the other - well, I pray that he is not too far gone.
The world is in crisis. There are so many people seeking out God but who have been lied to by these organizations. What are we doing about it? Telling them the truth is too hard - especially for those who have grown up in one of these organizations. We need to be with them as they search for truth - showing them we care about who they are not just what they believe.
I pray for them. I take every opportunity I can to meet with them and talk with them. God has promised that if we seek for Him we will find Him, pray that they keep seeking.
I have a friend who is JW, we've known each other for a little more than a year. Her heart longs for God, I have no doubt in my mind about that, but she is controlled, lied to, decieved. We were talking one time and she was amazed that we had anything in common in our beliefs at all. This is because she has been taught that every church outside of the watchtower works for satan in decieving people.
It might shock some people that there is any truth in the Watchtower Society, but there is. They do have the Bible, they just grosly misinterpret it. My desire is to see my friend be exposed to truth and come to a saving knowledge of Christ. She wants God, she is seeking truth, and alredy I think she is realizing that truth can exist outside of what she has been told.
It's dangerous work what I'm trying to do. She could be shunned by her family, including her husband. She has been told that even spending time with people like me could jepordize her standing in the eyes of God. But truth calls her.
I don't tell her that her beliefs are wrong. I don't even tell her she's being controlled and lied to - at least not yet. She is seeking truth, and I am exposing her to as much of it as I can.
This week I also had the opportunity to meet with some Mormon missionaries. They said at the beginning to listent o the impressions of my heart as they talked. And so I did. And what I felt was heavy - opression, lies, deception. I told them that. They were, at least, at one point they had been, searching for God. THey found answers, they found logic and a prospeous promise. They devoted themselves to the organization, and in doing so gave up their quest for God eternal. As we spoke two of them lsitened, the other - well, I pray that he is not too far gone.
The world is in crisis. There are so many people seeking out God but who have been lied to by these organizations. What are we doing about it? Telling them the truth is too hard - especially for those who have grown up in one of these organizations. We need to be with them as they search for truth - showing them we care about who they are not just what they believe.
I pray for them. I take every opportunity I can to meet with them and talk with them. God has promised that if we seek for Him we will find Him, pray that they keep seeking.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Oh the Pain
Guess what I found out yesterday. 2.25mm knitting needles, when sitting on the floor at a slight angle because of a work-in-progress can go 2 inches into a human foot without hardly any pressure at all.
Yup, I managed to impale myself on a knitting needle. 2ish inches went into my foot (not out the top, in along the bottom) and I had to pull it out. It didn't really hurt when it happened, kinda felt like when you get something stuck in your sock. Only I wasn't wearing any socks.
I don't recommend it. Not so much fun.
Yup, I managed to impale myself on a knitting needle. 2ish inches went into my foot (not out the top, in along the bottom) and I had to pull it out. It didn't really hurt when it happened, kinda felt like when you get something stuck in your sock. Only I wasn't wearing any socks.
I don't recommend it. Not so much fun.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Why do people hurt?
My heart aches
There is so much hurt and pain and lonliness and lostness in the world, I just want to hug everyone, or si in a corner and cry, or something along those lines.
My heart aches for these people because I was one of them. I was depressed, I was suicidal, I was abused, I was mistreated and misunderstood. I was lost and felt unloved and unlovable, hopless, damaged and discarded, I didn't even believe God truly wanted me.
Then my life got turned around, I not only survived, I was healed and changed from the inside out.
Why can't everyone feel that transformation?
Most of the time the people who hurt so badly didn't even do anything wrong, they are paying for the sins of others. I hate it. The world should not work like that...why do we sit back and watch that happen.
People out there truly believe that there is no hope, that they are stuck, abandoned, usless. What are we doing about it?
Jesus can take their hurt away, but befre that can happen they need to know that they can be loved, that someone here on earth cares about them regardless of what they do or have done.
Do we have a place for the broken, for the downtrodden? Do we have a palce where they can feel their pain in safety? Where they can find purpose and be used? Do we have a place where they can laugh and cry and heal? Do people feel safe sharing their pain with us?
If we do not offer them love and hope and peace, where will they find it?
There is so much hurt and pain and lonliness and lostness in the world, I just want to hug everyone, or si in a corner and cry, or something along those lines.
My heart aches for these people because I was one of them. I was depressed, I was suicidal, I was abused, I was mistreated and misunderstood. I was lost and felt unloved and unlovable, hopless, damaged and discarded, I didn't even believe God truly wanted me.
Then my life got turned around, I not only survived, I was healed and changed from the inside out.
Why can't everyone feel that transformation?
Most of the time the people who hurt so badly didn't even do anything wrong, they are paying for the sins of others. I hate it. The world should not work like that...why do we sit back and watch that happen.
People out there truly believe that there is no hope, that they are stuck, abandoned, usless. What are we doing about it?
Jesus can take their hurt away, but befre that can happen they need to know that they can be loved, that someone here on earth cares about them regardless of what they do or have done.
Do we have a place for the broken, for the downtrodden? Do we have a palce where they can feel their pain in safety? Where they can find purpose and be used? Do we have a place where they can laugh and cry and heal? Do people feel safe sharing their pain with us?
If we do not offer them love and hope and peace, where will they find it?
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Holiness
I believe in holiness.
I believe it is possible to live a day to day life without intentional sin.
I believe that when/if we unintentionally sin and are made aware of it we need to confess and repent.
I believe it is possible to gain victory over habitual sins.
I believe when we sin we are responsible, it is not "because we're human" but because we are choosing to live in disobedience to God.
I believe that when we are forgiven we are clean and righteous in the eyes of God.
I believe God wants to work in each individual life and lead people into a lifestyle of obedience and holiness.
I belive sin interrupts our relationship with God, making it harder for us to be used by Him.
I believe no sin is unforgivable except for denying Christ through whom we gain forgiveness.
I believe that you can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest.
I believe that in true Christian community we are responsible for holding each other accountable, to confessing to one another as needed and upholding each other in prayer and support.
I believe that the world is seeking something true, genuine, life changing and does not accept Christianity because they do not see these key characteristics.
I believe that Christians are not only held accountable for the wrong they do but also the right they do not do.
I believe there is a life free from struggle and characterized with victory.
I believe that as a whole we have sold out and settle for a life that is less than what God intended, for a life free from condemnation but not free from bondage. I beleive that we allow ourselves to indulge in sin because we have accapted the lie that we will never be free. I believe that Christians who allow their brothers and sisters to intentionally sin are supporting disunity in the Body. I believe that pride and arogance are as harmful and damaging as adultery and murder. I believe that a relationship with God should be evident in the day to day and not only in church attendance. I beleive that we have diluted the powerful healing transforming work of God into a message of "try your best and see how it goes". I believe that the reason people don't experience victory over habitual sin is because they are not taught that it is possible. I believe that on our own we will continue to sin, and agree with Paul that it is no longer we who live, but Christ in us, and through Him all things are possible.
I believe that the body has been wounded by false teaching, false expectations and false pride.
I believe that there are those who have experienced freedom and victory, and that their stories should be told and heard.
I beleive that there is healing and hope and peace available to us as we turn our hearts towards Christ.
I beleive there are those seeking a fuller life and finding it.
I beleive that those who are living victorious will be beacons of light for the rest of the body.
I believe the Spirit is moving and calling us to a standard that we cannot attain on our own.
I believe in a closer walk with God, a deeper experience with Him and a more effective life as a result.
I believe holiness is a decision, but cannot be accomplished by our will, is an act of God, and that we have our part, is personal and is corperate.
I believe that coming to God is a process and that each day new areas may be revealed to be surrended, and that through the whole process we can be called holy.
I believe that when the world sees the change that happens in a life as a result of an encounter with God they will be drawn to Him.
I believe it is possible to live a day to day life without intentional sin.
I believe that when/if we unintentionally sin and are made aware of it we need to confess and repent.
I believe it is possible to gain victory over habitual sins.
I believe when we sin we are responsible, it is not "because we're human" but because we are choosing to live in disobedience to God.
I believe that when we are forgiven we are clean and righteous in the eyes of God.
I believe God wants to work in each individual life and lead people into a lifestyle of obedience and holiness.
I belive sin interrupts our relationship with God, making it harder for us to be used by Him.
I believe no sin is unforgivable except for denying Christ through whom we gain forgiveness.
I believe that you can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest.
I believe that in true Christian community we are responsible for holding each other accountable, to confessing to one another as needed and upholding each other in prayer and support.
I believe that the world is seeking something true, genuine, life changing and does not accept Christianity because they do not see these key characteristics.
I believe that Christians are not only held accountable for the wrong they do but also the right they do not do.
I believe there is a life free from struggle and characterized with victory.
I believe that as a whole we have sold out and settle for a life that is less than what God intended, for a life free from condemnation but not free from bondage. I beleive that we allow ourselves to indulge in sin because we have accapted the lie that we will never be free. I believe that Christians who allow their brothers and sisters to intentionally sin are supporting disunity in the Body. I believe that pride and arogance are as harmful and damaging as adultery and murder. I believe that a relationship with God should be evident in the day to day and not only in church attendance. I beleive that we have diluted the powerful healing transforming work of God into a message of "try your best and see how it goes". I believe that the reason people don't experience victory over habitual sin is because they are not taught that it is possible. I believe that on our own we will continue to sin, and agree with Paul that it is no longer we who live, but Christ in us, and through Him all things are possible.
I believe that the body has been wounded by false teaching, false expectations and false pride.
I believe that there are those who have experienced freedom and victory, and that their stories should be told and heard.
I beleive that there is healing and hope and peace available to us as we turn our hearts towards Christ.
I beleive there are those seeking a fuller life and finding it.
I beleive that those who are living victorious will be beacons of light for the rest of the body.
I believe the Spirit is moving and calling us to a standard that we cannot attain on our own.
I believe in a closer walk with God, a deeper experience with Him and a more effective life as a result.
I believe holiness is a decision, but cannot be accomplished by our will, is an act of God, and that we have our part, is personal and is corperate.
I believe that coming to God is a process and that each day new areas may be revealed to be surrended, and that through the whole process we can be called holy.
I believe that when the world sees the change that happens in a life as a result of an encounter with God they will be drawn to Him.
Monday, October 31, 2005
The Para-Church
I have full knowledge that as I write this there will be people who disagree with me, including people I know who are planning to work in para-church ministries.
The Para-Church exists to meet needs of the community outside of the church walls. The idea is that people may not feel comfortable going to church, or that the church is not meeting felt needs well enough. These organizations may offer counseling, job training, food and shelter etc. that those around them truly need. This is all done in a Christian atmosphere but with no "Christian requirements" - the people receiving these services are not expected to go to church, read their Bible, grow closer to God etc. It is encouraged, but not pushed.
I think the only reason these organizations exist is because the church is not fulfilling it's responsibilites to the community at large. We are called to visit the sick and imprisoned, to clothe the naked, to feed the hungry, to give water to the thirsty. Historically, the church has done this very badly. During one of the famines in Ireland the people (most of which were pagan) were given the opportunity to receive food from the local church, if they would first go through confession and convert. The heart was right (at least I hope it was) - save their bodies and their souls - but we cannot turn God into a commodity, a bargaining chip. Come to church on Sunday and we'll help you find a job. Be part of this small group and we'll give you food. To do this is at best spiritual manipulation and at worst (and more likely) spiritual abuse.
Yes, we want people to be part of Christian community. Yes, we want to meet their needs. But the church should be able to perform both functions.
We see examples of this through Acts. Almost everything the early church did at the time added to the number of those who were being saved, and most of what they did would not fit in to what we call "evangelism". The met needs, they helped people, no strings attached. They loved, and that love brought the people they were loving on to God.
Didn't Jesus say they would know us by our love?
Not by our promotions, not by our preaching, not even by our relationship with Him, but by our love.
I think the ministry of parachurch organizations is good and necessary. But I think if the church fulfilled what it's function truly is that it would not be necessary.
Take a look at this church. They see a need, they meet it. The love, and the Spirit of God adds daily to the number of those being saved.
The Para-Church exists to meet needs of the community outside of the church walls. The idea is that people may not feel comfortable going to church, or that the church is not meeting felt needs well enough. These organizations may offer counseling, job training, food and shelter etc. that those around them truly need. This is all done in a Christian atmosphere but with no "Christian requirements" - the people receiving these services are not expected to go to church, read their Bible, grow closer to God etc. It is encouraged, but not pushed.
I think the only reason these organizations exist is because the church is not fulfilling it's responsibilites to the community at large. We are called to visit the sick and imprisoned, to clothe the naked, to feed the hungry, to give water to the thirsty. Historically, the church has done this very badly. During one of the famines in Ireland the people (most of which were pagan) were given the opportunity to receive food from the local church, if they would first go through confession and convert. The heart was right (at least I hope it was) - save their bodies and their souls - but we cannot turn God into a commodity, a bargaining chip. Come to church on Sunday and we'll help you find a job. Be part of this small group and we'll give you food. To do this is at best spiritual manipulation and at worst (and more likely) spiritual abuse.
Yes, we want people to be part of Christian community. Yes, we want to meet their needs. But the church should be able to perform both functions.
We see examples of this through Acts. Almost everything the early church did at the time added to the number of those who were being saved, and most of what they did would not fit in to what we call "evangelism". The met needs, they helped people, no strings attached. They loved, and that love brought the people they were loving on to God.
Didn't Jesus say they would know us by our love?
Not by our promotions, not by our preaching, not even by our relationship with Him, but by our love.
I think the ministry of parachurch organizations is good and necessary. But I think if the church fulfilled what it's function truly is that it would not be necessary.
Take a look at this church. They see a need, they meet it. The love, and the Spirit of God adds daily to the number of those being saved.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
My New Experiment
So if you can't tell in the picture what's different (besides my hair being short, I did that a few months ago) I have died my hair black....blue black actually. Usually I stick with red tones but thought I'd try something different. What do you think? Personally, I really like it. Now I just have to make sure it doesn't fade to just blue, then I'd have to dye it again...stupid work rules.....
Monday, October 24, 2005
Redefining Success in Evangelism
If I was still at Bethany I would write this as a paper. For me, this is something very important. For a lot of my Christian life I either felt like a failure or came across too strong because I felt in order to "evangelize" (which is something that all Christians should want to do, not just feel they are required to) I had to get someone to "pray the prayer". If they didn't, I felt like I hadn't done my job, and they would be eternally condemned. If there was something in my soul that just told me they weren't there yet, I would panic and either stay away from the God topic all together or make them feel like a horrible person.
No wonder I wasn't "good" at evangelism.
However, all this time, it was important to me. God had made such a huge impact in my life, had changed who I was and given me hope I could not have had otherwise. How could I not want to share that story with people? How could I leave people, friends, family, who came to me for help, and not tell them about the help and healing that God offers. I hold nothing against the youth leaders etc. that were always telling me I needed to share my faith. They were right. The methods and measure of success, however, were very wrong.
See, it's like football (and I am by no means an expert on football, someone else had to point this out to me). The goal is to get the ball all the way to the end zone for a touchdown, however, each play is designed only to get the ball a few yards. When we tell someone about God, the idea is to eventually get them to a point where they encounter and fall in love with Him, but for some people they have a long way to go first.
At one point it was easier to use tracts and "salvation messages" because everyone already knew the basics. They knew God was good and they were not, and being forgiven was the way to reconcile the two. They were closer to ready.
Now, however, things are different. There are some people who don't think God is good, or who don't know who God is, or who think Christians are all horrible people and why would they want to be one of them. Or they don't realize that they're not good, or hat they need help (to quote Pastor John "you need to get people lost before you can get them saved"). What do we do with these people?
When we share our story of how God changed us it should be with the purpose of bringing someone closer to God, and understanding that does not necisarily mean they will be ready to follow Him. We might be able to ring them a few yards, and then somewhere later down the line they're close enough for the touchdown.
And this is Biblical too. It is the Spirit that draws all men to God, not our work. Our work is to not pull them further away. An encounter with God is still important, a decision for Him is vital, but first people need to be able to get to know who He is.
This understanding is changing the way I interact with people who don't know God. I'm more intentional now than I ever was before in sharing my faith. I try to see where people are and bring them even one step closer, praying that others in the life will be faithful and help them further along their journey to God.
No wonder I wasn't "good" at evangelism.
However, all this time, it was important to me. God had made such a huge impact in my life, had changed who I was and given me hope I could not have had otherwise. How could I not want to share that story with people? How could I leave people, friends, family, who came to me for help, and not tell them about the help and healing that God offers. I hold nothing against the youth leaders etc. that were always telling me I needed to share my faith. They were right. The methods and measure of success, however, were very wrong.
See, it's like football (and I am by no means an expert on football, someone else had to point this out to me). The goal is to get the ball all the way to the end zone for a touchdown, however, each play is designed only to get the ball a few yards. When we tell someone about God, the idea is to eventually get them to a point where they encounter and fall in love with Him, but for some people they have a long way to go first.
At one point it was easier to use tracts and "salvation messages" because everyone already knew the basics. They knew God was good and they were not, and being forgiven was the way to reconcile the two. They were closer to ready.
Now, however, things are different. There are some people who don't think God is good, or who don't know who God is, or who think Christians are all horrible people and why would they want to be one of them. Or they don't realize that they're not good, or hat they need help (to quote Pastor John "you need to get people lost before you can get them saved"). What do we do with these people?
When we share our story of how God changed us it should be with the purpose of bringing someone closer to God, and understanding that does not necisarily mean they will be ready to follow Him. We might be able to ring them a few yards, and then somewhere later down the line they're close enough for the touchdown.
And this is Biblical too. It is the Spirit that draws all men to God, not our work. Our work is to not pull them further away. An encounter with God is still important, a decision for Him is vital, but first people need to be able to get to know who He is.
This understanding is changing the way I interact with people who don't know God. I'm more intentional now than I ever was before in sharing my faith. I try to see where people are and bring them even one step closer, praying that others in the life will be faithful and help them further along their journey to God.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Somebody's Pregnant
No, it's not me...not yet anyways
Dan and Joy (MacElhinney) Pusey are 6ish weeks pregnant (well, ok, Joy's the one that's actually pregnant, but Dan had his part in the whole thing too.
If you would like to congratulate them, send an email to joypusey@gmail.com or danpusey@gmail.com they'd love to hear from you.
And this will let me know if anyone reads this or not lol
Dan and Joy (MacElhinney) Pusey are 6ish weeks pregnant (well, ok, Joy's the one that's actually pregnant, but Dan had his part in the whole thing too.
If you would like to congratulate them, send an email to joypusey@gmail.com or danpusey@gmail.com they'd love to hear from you.
And this will let me know if anyone reads this or not lol
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