Yes, I know this is a little late. Better late then never, right?
Ben and I have been married for 5 years. Those years have included two cross-country moves, two children, 3 cars, countless jobs, a mortgage, sickness, health, lots of richness and a little poorness. And a cat and a bunny.
Through everything I've learned to love and respect Ben more. I leared so much about myself, things I'm proud of and things I don't like so much. And I've realized that being naieve about everything that we were going to go through was a good thing - I might not have gone through with it, I don't think in my wildest dreams I would have known how strong he is, how strong we are together.
I said before we were married that he is my kite string. A kite can't fly without a string, it just gets tossed around by the wind. He keeps me grounded enough to let me soar, tolerates my hobbies and passions, tells me when I'm wrong, and supports anything I put my mind to.
He is the most wonderful man I could have married, an excellent father and my best friend.
Friday, June 04, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Learning Worship
Ben and I have been going to The Pool for almost a year now. It's wonderful for many reasons, but one of the most wonderful reasons is that my kids are learning to worship there.
The space is set up to allow people to connect with God in the way they need to. There are places to kneel, to pray, to be creative, to dance. There are candles to light and paper to write on, Bibles to read.
But more than just having those things available, it's encouraged that they're used, and it's natural to see it happen. People are encouraged to move around the space, to interact, to participate.
Along with this, children are encouraged to participate. There are crayons and papers available for them, as well as some books for them to look through. I don't feel the need to keep my kids quiet or entertained. So long as they are not being disruptive, they get all the same freedoms. It's wonderful to not have to try and restrain them while trying to worship myself - that never works.
So last Sunday an amazing thing happened. Hana sat with my friend Laura (because Laura was wonderful and willing to share her baby carrots). She sat there for a couple of songs singing. As Laura closed her eyes in worship, Hana watched her. At first she was concerned something was wrong, but after a little reassurance from me she closed her eyes too.
During another song someone got up and went to the art table. My curious daughter, not wanting to miss anything exciting, went to see what was happening. As Erin was drawing she passed some pastels over to Hana so she could participate too - connecting to God through art.
Once Hana was done there she noticed one of the older kids dancing. She joined in, turning and moving with the music and having a wonderful time.
I know that my 3 year old doesn't fully understand the meaning of what everyone was doing, but it just filled my heart to bursting that she was able to participate. For her it will be natural to connect to God through quiet reflection, through creative expression, through movement. It won't be awkward or uncomfortable like it is for most of us, there won't be that moment of "should I or shouldn't I" that goes through my head when I feel the need to do something other than just sitting there. I'm excited to see how that impacts her as she grows and experiences God for herself- excited to see what kind of worshiper she will be.
The space is set up to allow people to connect with God in the way they need to. There are places to kneel, to pray, to be creative, to dance. There are candles to light and paper to write on, Bibles to read.
But more than just having those things available, it's encouraged that they're used, and it's natural to see it happen. People are encouraged to move around the space, to interact, to participate.
Along with this, children are encouraged to participate. There are crayons and papers available for them, as well as some books for them to look through. I don't feel the need to keep my kids quiet or entertained. So long as they are not being disruptive, they get all the same freedoms. It's wonderful to not have to try and restrain them while trying to worship myself - that never works.
So last Sunday an amazing thing happened. Hana sat with my friend Laura (because Laura was wonderful and willing to share her baby carrots). She sat there for a couple of songs singing. As Laura closed her eyes in worship, Hana watched her. At first she was concerned something was wrong, but after a little reassurance from me she closed her eyes too.
During another song someone got up and went to the art table. My curious daughter, not wanting to miss anything exciting, went to see what was happening. As Erin was drawing she passed some pastels over to Hana so she could participate too - connecting to God through art.
Once Hana was done there she noticed one of the older kids dancing. She joined in, turning and moving with the music and having a wonderful time.
I know that my 3 year old doesn't fully understand the meaning of what everyone was doing, but it just filled my heart to bursting that she was able to participate. For her it will be natural to connect to God through quiet reflection, through creative expression, through movement. It won't be awkward or uncomfortable like it is for most of us, there won't be that moment of "should I or shouldn't I" that goes through my head when I feel the need to do something other than just sitting there. I'm excited to see how that impacts her as she grows and experiences God for herself- excited to see what kind of worshiper she will be.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Remember me?
I know, I know, it's been forever again. Sigh.
I was reading back through some of my old blog posts. Remembering, things that happened, people in my life. I was a different person then. Here I go getting all sentimental, but I was so light, idealistic, sure.
Things have changed since then. I hate to say it but I think I've become a little cynical, jaded.
There were things that happened that caused a lot of hurt. Relationships were broken. Situations changed. I changed.
I think I've grown a lot in the last few years. I hope I've become a better person. Still, I look back on those old posts and I admire that person. I admire the optimism, the faith, the peace.
I think I needed to change, and to grow, I think in general I handled things well. I wonder if I can get back those things. I've gained experience and wisdom and strenth in the last few years, those things I'm thankful for and wouldn't give up. I'm hoping I can have a mix of both - the faith and the wisdom, optimism and experience.
I was reading back through some of my old blog posts. Remembering, things that happened, people in my life. I was a different person then. Here I go getting all sentimental, but I was so light, idealistic, sure.
Things have changed since then. I hate to say it but I think I've become a little cynical, jaded.
There were things that happened that caused a lot of hurt. Relationships were broken. Situations changed. I changed.
I think I've grown a lot in the last few years. I hope I've become a better person. Still, I look back on those old posts and I admire that person. I admire the optimism, the faith, the peace.
I think I needed to change, and to grow, I think in general I handled things well. I wonder if I can get back those things. I've gained experience and wisdom and strenth in the last few years, those things I'm thankful for and wouldn't give up. I'm hoping I can have a mix of both - the faith and the wisdom, optimism and experience.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Three
Three years ago today I was getting out of bed and heading to the hospital.
We signed forms, I got an IV, had one last ultrasound and waited for the OR. Hana was breech and was born through c-section. I remember lying on the table after getting my spinal block, nervous about the surgery but so excited to meet my baby girl. I watched the clock once they told me they were starting, and in less than 15 minutes they held up this beautiful baby girl.
I can't describe the feeling of finally having her in my arms. She was so tiny and precious. We had our struggles at first, but the more time we spent together, the more she was in my arms, the more I fell in love with her. Such a full personality, so much curiosity, determination, wonder. She changed the way I look at the world.
The more I get to know her, the more I'm amazed by her. Her determination and curiosity seem to intensify as she gets older. Her imagination, the way she cares about others, her sensitivity and creativity just amaze me.
She's growing up, not a baby anymore. I'm having such a wonderful time getting to know her, helping her learn, and learning from her. She is the one who made me a mother, and I'm so honoured to have her. Without her, without the challenges that we've gone through, without her sensitivity and way of looking at the world I wouldn't be the person I am today.
Happy Birthday babygirl, I love you so much!!!
We signed forms, I got an IV, had one last ultrasound and waited for the OR. Hana was breech and was born through c-section. I remember lying on the table after getting my spinal block, nervous about the surgery but so excited to meet my baby girl. I watched the clock once they told me they were starting, and in less than 15 minutes they held up this beautiful baby girl.
I can't describe the feeling of finally having her in my arms. She was so tiny and precious. We had our struggles at first, but the more time we spent together, the more she was in my arms, the more I fell in love with her. Such a full personality, so much curiosity, determination, wonder. She changed the way I look at the world.
The more I get to know her, the more I'm amazed by her. Her determination and curiosity seem to intensify as she gets older. Her imagination, the way she cares about others, her sensitivity and creativity just amaze me.
She's growing up, not a baby anymore. I'm having such a wonderful time getting to know her, helping her learn, and learning from her. She is the one who made me a mother, and I'm so honoured to have her. Without her, without the challenges that we've gone through, without her sensitivity and way of looking at the world I wouldn't be the person I am today.
Happy Birthday babygirl, I love you so much!!!
Monday, October 26, 2009
October Update
When I last updated about my kids, they were 6 months younger. Wow does a lot change in 6 months.
Eli is 15 months old. His favorite word is ball. He's not as verbal as Hana was at his age, but he is very mobile. He's toddling around like he's king of the world. He gives kisses in his own special way (read: bends down so you can kiss his head) and wants to eat everything in sight. He has 4 teeth with two on the way any minute now (please) and loves climbing things. In fact, he can get himself up on to all of the kids chairs we have. Unfortunately, he hasn't learned how to get himself down. He just sits there making his "stuck" noise until someone rescues him. He smiles all the time, this wonderful grin that just makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. He laughs all the time too, a true belly laugh, just like Hana. My kids make me enjoy life so much more than I ever thought possible.
Hana is aproaching 3 at high speed. She knows her birthday is on November 3. She knows she is going to be three. She knows her full name and that she lives in Moncton. She's learning letter sounds and how to use scissors. She has imaginary friends. In the last couple of months we've noticed a lot of changes with her. I swear someone is slipping her expresso behind my back. She never walks - she hops or runs or crawls or spins. She has this overwhelming need to touch or do or help with or hold or move or try or see or ask why about EVERYTHING. Example:
One day I was sitting (read: hiding) in the kitchen meditating (read: trying to gain a little sanity) when her blond little head peeks around the corner.
Hana: Mama, what are you doing?
me: I'm taking a little break babygirl (yes, I still call her babygirl, my mother still calls me boo on occasion, so I've got at least another 23 years with this nickname)
Hana: Can I come take a break with you?
me: No baby, not right now
Hana: Why mama?
me: Because if you were here it wouldn't be a break
Hana: Oh. After your done having break I can have a break with you?
me: ah, sure baby
Hana: Are you done a break now?
As exhausting as she is, she's so much fun. Every day when the boys nap we either do crafts or play with play dough or learn letter sounds or some other activity that's just for big kids, not for babies. She's very adamant that she is a big kid. Not a princess, not a boodle (one of my other nicknames for her), not a little girl. No no, she is a big kid, that's it.
As for Ben and I
He's doing well with school, has midterms next week, but he's not worried. He's really loving what he's studying and doing great with it. It's nice to see him so much less stressed and having time for things he enjoys and energy to spend with the kids.
Me, I'm doing great too. I'm knitting like crazy for Christmas but can't post details because family reads this (Hi everyone! Love you all!) but I'm pretty exciting about what's coming off the needles. Babysitting is doing well and we've got a pretty good routine going.
Life is good.
Eli is 15 months old. His favorite word is ball. He's not as verbal as Hana was at his age, but he is very mobile. He's toddling around like he's king of the world. He gives kisses in his own special way (read: bends down so you can kiss his head) and wants to eat everything in sight. He has 4 teeth with two on the way any minute now (please) and loves climbing things. In fact, he can get himself up on to all of the kids chairs we have. Unfortunately, he hasn't learned how to get himself down. He just sits there making his "stuck" noise until someone rescues him. He smiles all the time, this wonderful grin that just makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. He laughs all the time too, a true belly laugh, just like Hana. My kids make me enjoy life so much more than I ever thought possible.
Hana is aproaching 3 at high speed. She knows her birthday is on November 3. She knows she is going to be three. She knows her full name and that she lives in Moncton. She's learning letter sounds and how to use scissors. She has imaginary friends. In the last couple of months we've noticed a lot of changes with her. I swear someone is slipping her expresso behind my back. She never walks - she hops or runs or crawls or spins. She has this overwhelming need to touch or do or help with or hold or move or try or see or ask why about EVERYTHING. Example:
One day I was sitting (read: hiding) in the kitchen meditating (read: trying to gain a little sanity) when her blond little head peeks around the corner.
Hana: Mama, what are you doing?
me: I'm taking a little break babygirl (yes, I still call her babygirl, my mother still calls me boo on occasion, so I've got at least another 23 years with this nickname)
Hana: Can I come take a break with you?
me: No baby, not right now
Hana: Why mama?
me: Because if you were here it wouldn't be a break
Hana: Oh. After your done having break I can have a break with you?
me: ah, sure baby
Hana: Are you done a break now?
As exhausting as she is, she's so much fun. Every day when the boys nap we either do crafts or play with play dough or learn letter sounds or some other activity that's just for big kids, not for babies. She's very adamant that she is a big kid. Not a princess, not a boodle (one of my other nicknames for her), not a little girl. No no, she is a big kid, that's it.
As for Ben and I
He's doing well with school, has midterms next week, but he's not worried. He's really loving what he's studying and doing great with it. It's nice to see him so much less stressed and having time for things he enjoys and energy to spend with the kids.
Me, I'm doing great too. I'm knitting like crazy for Christmas but can't post details because family reads this (Hi everyone! Love you all!) but I'm pretty exciting about what's coming off the needles. Babysitting is doing well and we've got a pretty good routine going.
Life is good.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Dear Readers
I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. I'm sure I've left you wondering, I know I've spent time wondering if you're still out there.
See, I had a really bad year (read: decade) and after some particularly tough times during the summer (read: barely being able to function) the husband and I sat down to evaluate things (read: decided to start meds).
No really.
I've struggled off and on with depression since I was a teen. Through the troubles I had nursing, it was confirmed I had a serotonin* imbalance (the meds I tried to boost my supply messed with me, they were serotonin blockers. who knew.). I thought it was just a slight thing and kept doing what I always did when things were rough - eat well, sleep lots and try to ignore the desire to crawl into a hole and pretend I didn't exist. Only those things are really hard to do with two young kids and a husband.
This year was bad. The worst Ben has seen me (we met in 2001), I'd even say worse than when I was in High School because I didn't have the escape of classes and self injury. I was a mess. Angry, wanting to sleep all the time. Wanting to eat everything in sight. No patience for the kids or for Ben, isolating myself from my friends (sorry friends).
So I finally sucked up my fears and asked for antidepressants. It wasn't the stigma or anything that had kept me from meds before, it was a fear of what they would do to me (I have a nice family history of odd medical things/reactions) and I also didn't want to know what I had been missing.
Honestly, it was one of the best decisions in my life. I feel human, I feel free. I feel better than I did on the days I thought I felt good. It has made a fundamental change in the way I see myself and others. I don't feel like the scum of the earth. I don't worry about what people really think of me. I'm able to enjoy my kids and not feel like a horrible mother. I'm able to open up to my husband. When I smile it's because I'm actually happy rather than because I know I should feel happy.
Life has taken a huge upswing. We're in a church we absolutely love. Ben is back in school doing something he's always wanted to do (computer programming at NBCC). I'm still home with the kids (and a couple of extras). Life is good. Hopefully there will be more regular posts here now that I can think and enjoy again. Plus my kids are super cute and do funny things.
* HA! spelled that right the* first time
*er...spelled that one wrong....
See, I had a really bad year (read: decade) and after some particularly tough times during the summer (read: barely being able to function) the husband and I sat down to evaluate things (read: decided to start meds).
No really.
I've struggled off and on with depression since I was a teen. Through the troubles I had nursing, it was confirmed I had a serotonin* imbalance (the meds I tried to boost my supply messed with me, they were serotonin blockers. who knew.). I thought it was just a slight thing and kept doing what I always did when things were rough - eat well, sleep lots and try to ignore the desire to crawl into a hole and pretend I didn't exist. Only those things are really hard to do with two young kids and a husband.
This year was bad. The worst Ben has seen me (we met in 2001), I'd even say worse than when I was in High School because I didn't have the escape of classes and self injury. I was a mess. Angry, wanting to sleep all the time. Wanting to eat everything in sight. No patience for the kids or for Ben, isolating myself from my friends (sorry friends).
So I finally sucked up my fears and asked for antidepressants. It wasn't the stigma or anything that had kept me from meds before, it was a fear of what they would do to me (I have a nice family history of odd medical things/reactions) and I also didn't want to know what I had been missing.
Honestly, it was one of the best decisions in my life. I feel human, I feel free. I feel better than I did on the days I thought I felt good. It has made a fundamental change in the way I see myself and others. I don't feel like the scum of the earth. I don't worry about what people really think of me. I'm able to enjoy my kids and not feel like a horrible mother. I'm able to open up to my husband. When I smile it's because I'm actually happy rather than because I know I should feel happy.
Life has taken a huge upswing. We're in a church we absolutely love. Ben is back in school doing something he's always wanted to do (computer programming at NBCC). I'm still home with the kids (and a couple of extras). Life is good. Hopefully there will be more regular posts here now that I can think and enjoy again. Plus my kids are super cute and do funny things.
* HA! spelled that right the* first time
*er...spelled that one wrong....
Sunday, June 21, 2009
still unwritten
I have both nothing and too much to blog about
topics that have run through my mind (and might merit their own post at some point):
- car seat safety
- my spinning wheel
- potty training
- kids update
- general cultual attitude towards kids
- summer plans
- going back to work
Until then, a brief update:
- Ben is working! He got a job with Irving for the summer. In September he's heading to Community College to take computer programming
- Eli is 11 months and has learned to climb stairs. He also has 3 teeth
- Hana is constantly telling stories and singing songs. She still gets up once a night.
- I got a spinning wheel and am working on Christmas knitting.
topics that have run through my mind (and might merit their own post at some point):
- car seat safety
- my spinning wheel
- potty training
- kids update
- general cultual attitude towards kids
- summer plans
- going back to work
Until then, a brief update:
- Ben is working! He got a job with Irving for the summer. In September he's heading to Community College to take computer programming
- Eli is 11 months and has learned to climb stairs. He also has 3 teeth
- Hana is constantly telling stories and singing songs. She still gets up once a night.
- I got a spinning wheel and am working on Christmas knitting.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Map Reader
A long time ago I came up with a theory. I was trying to reconcile a God who knows all things with free will. God is outside of time, has read the final chapter so to speak, knows the result. But that's a hard thing to wrap your head around.
My solution was to think of life as a map. So many different roads, different ways to get to the same place, different points of intersection for the same issue, people, events. Each choice we make is a road we go down, and we can only see to the next turn. God holds the map, directs us to our destination, no matter how many wrong turns we take.
Ben and I have started going to a great church, the pool. We've only been a few times, but we feel good there. It's a church plant, there are other young families, we feel God there. And it meets at 2pm. It's great.
One of the things we reflected on last Sunday was the idea of living a life that is appropriate to our calling, and in that understanding and accapting that we are, in fact, called.
Regardless of how many wrong turns, how many mistakes, how many bad choices, thoughts, actions we have behind (and ahead of) us, we are called.
And my paradigm shifted.
See there are things in my life I have done wrong. Things I'm not proud of. Things I'm ashamed of. Things I feel make me unworthy of my calling.
I had it backwards.
Shame has no place within the church. For years it has been used as a tool of spiritual abuse to keep people in line. For years it covered me, leaving me always questioning, always insecure, always hiding. Because I had it backwards.
We talk about God taking us where we are, but not about God knowing where we could go. It was the mistakes, the sins that became part of my life after my calling that tried to strangle my spiritual life.
I didn't realize God knew those too. And called me anyway.
So now it's not about hiding how unworthy I am, but trusting that somehow God is bigger than I am and sees my worth anyway, and every day living as tho I already am worthy.
He sees where I've been, where I am, where I am going. The choices I will face, the times I will fail and the times I will rise. And still he leads me.
My solution was to think of life as a map. So many different roads, different ways to get to the same place, different points of intersection for the same issue, people, events. Each choice we make is a road we go down, and we can only see to the next turn. God holds the map, directs us to our destination, no matter how many wrong turns we take.
Ben and I have started going to a great church, the pool. We've only been a few times, but we feel good there. It's a church plant, there are other young families, we feel God there. And it meets at 2pm. It's great.
One of the things we reflected on last Sunday was the idea of living a life that is appropriate to our calling, and in that understanding and accapting that we are, in fact, called.
Regardless of how many wrong turns, how many mistakes, how many bad choices, thoughts, actions we have behind (and ahead of) us, we are called.
And my paradigm shifted.
See there are things in my life I have done wrong. Things I'm not proud of. Things I'm ashamed of. Things I feel make me unworthy of my calling.
I had it backwards.
Shame has no place within the church. For years it has been used as a tool of spiritual abuse to keep people in line. For years it covered me, leaving me always questioning, always insecure, always hiding. Because I had it backwards.
We talk about God taking us where we are, but not about God knowing where we could go. It was the mistakes, the sins that became part of my life after my calling that tried to strangle my spiritual life.
I didn't realize God knew those too. And called me anyway.
So now it's not about hiding how unworthy I am, but trusting that somehow God is bigger than I am and sees my worth anyway, and every day living as tho I already am worthy.
He sees where I've been, where I am, where I am going. The choices I will face, the times I will fail and the times I will rise. And still he leads me.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Been a Long Time
I haven't been writing much. Not just here, either. I haven't been very active on my forums or anything. Which is odd for me, writing has always been a regular habit of mine.
I have been thinking tho. A lot. About good things, deep things, things that matter. But the problem with thinking and not writing (at least for me) is that the thoughts vanish like the wind and i'm no better of for having thought them.
I'm going to try and remedy that.
By way of update:
- Eli crawls, weighs 22 lbs and has pulled up a couple of times. He's been sick off and on since January and his Dr thinks he's asthmatic. We're off to a pedi on Monday
- Hana is potty training, weighs 26lbs, is more fun than I could imagine and has finally started sleeping through the night 3 or 4 times a week! The parents rejoyce
- Ben was laid off, got a job, was fired and is looking again. He's going back to school in the fall.
- I'm going to start doing some evening/weekend work to help fill in the gaps and make it possible for us to redo the bathroom this summer. With potentially 3 asthmatics in the house the thoughts of what's lurking behind my bathroom tile keep me up at night.
- After 4 years of living on my own I think I've finally gotten the hang of keeping house. We'll see what happens when Ben isn't home as much
- In the near future I'm buying a spinning wheel. This makes me giddy with excitement.
I have been thinking tho. A lot. About good things, deep things, things that matter. But the problem with thinking and not writing (at least for me) is that the thoughts vanish like the wind and i'm no better of for having thought them.
I'm going to try and remedy that.
By way of update:
- Eli crawls, weighs 22 lbs and has pulled up a couple of times. He's been sick off and on since January and his Dr thinks he's asthmatic. We're off to a pedi on Monday
- Hana is potty training, weighs 26lbs, is more fun than I could imagine and has finally started sleeping through the night 3 or 4 times a week! The parents rejoyce
- Ben was laid off, got a job, was fired and is looking again. He's going back to school in the fall.
- I'm going to start doing some evening/weekend work to help fill in the gaps and make it possible for us to redo the bathroom this summer. With potentially 3 asthmatics in the house the thoughts of what's lurking behind my bathroom tile keep me up at night.
- After 4 years of living on my own I think I've finally gotten the hang of keeping house. We'll see what happens when Ben isn't home as much
- In the near future I'm buying a spinning wheel. This makes me giddy with excitement.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Crisis of Love
I am in shock. Over the past year I have become aware of so many marraiges in crisis. Some of these are people I went to school with. Others are families I've become close to through message boards. All of them have surprised me.
It's hard to hear about it and not get a little scared. Some days it feels like marriage is a game of Russian Roulette and you never know when things are going to go horribly wrong.
I know these things just don't happen. I know I'm not getting the whole story. I know I can do nothing other than work on my own marriage. It still breaks my heart.
It's hard to hear about it and not get a little scared. Some days it feels like marriage is a game of Russian Roulette and you never know when things are going to go horribly wrong.
I know these things just don't happen. I know I'm not getting the whole story. I know I can do nothing other than work on my own marriage. It still breaks my heart.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Eli- 8 months
Can't. Believe. It.
My baby is getting so big. I sat him on my lap the other day and suddenly realized that my hand doesn't touch his armpit and hip at the same time when I hold him. This was shocking. He's starting to get longer and isn't so round anymore.
Every time he grows my heart just bursts with joy. Things were so bad back in October. Like, really bad, wondering if he's sick or has growth problems or I messed him up by starving him bad. I comment a lot about loving the look of fat babies to friends of mine (a lot of whom have fat babies) - it's because you KNOW they are healthy and growing and have everything they need. Seeing Eli grow and having t move his leg fat to wash underneath is just such a blessing.
The only down side is the sweater I knit him is already looking a little short.
He eats real food now. It dawned on me the other day that he's 8 months old and could probably feed himself. It was just this sudden realization, it feels like I somehow missed a few months or something. He does great with cheerios and other small bits of food. He eats with us at meals now, which is much nicer than having him yell at us the whole time, wondering where his food is.
He's still not quite crawling. He's kind of stuck in reverse, which sort of makes me laugh. He tries so hard to get closer but keeps going further away. It's cute.
These milestones are so great, but hard at the same time. We don't plan on having any more kids (well, we're keeping adoption open as an option in the future, but that's it) so this is the last time I'll see these changes. Sigh. It makes me feel so blessed. Eli is so different from Hana, I can't wait get to know his version of the world as he grows, to see how their two perspectives mesh and clash together and with my own. I can't wait to learn all the things that he has to teach me. Already he reminds me to smile more, to laugh more, to just sit and enjoy what's around me, because it all passes by so fast.
My baby is getting so big. I sat him on my lap the other day and suddenly realized that my hand doesn't touch his armpit and hip at the same time when I hold him. This was shocking. He's starting to get longer and isn't so round anymore.
Every time he grows my heart just bursts with joy. Things were so bad back in October. Like, really bad, wondering if he's sick or has growth problems or I messed him up by starving him bad. I comment a lot about loving the look of fat babies to friends of mine (a lot of whom have fat babies) - it's because you KNOW they are healthy and growing and have everything they need. Seeing Eli grow and having t move his leg fat to wash underneath is just such a blessing.
The only down side is the sweater I knit him is already looking a little short.
He eats real food now. It dawned on me the other day that he's 8 months old and could probably feed himself. It was just this sudden realization, it feels like I somehow missed a few months or something. He does great with cheerios and other small bits of food. He eats with us at meals now, which is much nicer than having him yell at us the whole time, wondering where his food is.
He's still not quite crawling. He's kind of stuck in reverse, which sort of makes me laugh. He tries so hard to get closer but keeps going further away. It's cute.
These milestones are so great, but hard at the same time. We don't plan on having any more kids (well, we're keeping adoption open as an option in the future, but that's it) so this is the last time I'll see these changes. Sigh. It makes me feel so blessed. Eli is so different from Hana, I can't wait get to know his version of the world as he grows, to see how their two perspectives mesh and clash together and with my own. I can't wait to learn all the things that he has to teach me. Already he reminds me to smile more, to laugh more, to just sit and enjoy what's around me, because it all passes by so fast.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Knitting
I like knitting. A lot. It gives my hands somethign to do and makes me feel productive. It's a reward for cleaning, a tension reliever in the evenings and gives me an excuse to meet new people.
As such, I've been doing a lot of it lately. Right now I've got three projects OTN (on the needles) - socks, a sweater for the girl, and this shawl. Click that and look at the beauty of the shawl.
It's my first time knitting lace. It's my first time knitting with lace weight yarn (it's like thick thread). I'm finished the first chart and on my second (of ten) repeat of the second chart. It's pretty. I'm really excited.
Unfortunately, the charger for my camera has gone awol, so no pics of my pretty (or many of the things I've finished recently...or of my kids for that matter...)
As such, I've been doing a lot of it lately. Right now I've got three projects OTN (on the needles) - socks, a sweater for the girl, and this shawl. Click that and look at the beauty of the shawl.
It's my first time knitting lace. It's my first time knitting with lace weight yarn (it's like thick thread). I'm finished the first chart and on my second (of ten) repeat of the second chart. It's pretty. I'm really excited.
Unfortunately, the charger for my camera has gone awol, so no pics of my pretty (or many of the things I've finished recently...or of my kids for that matter...)
Sunday, March 22, 2009
sometimes it hurts
When the things I believe and know and want don't line up with reality. Eli is 7 months old, he's happy, growing, wonderful. But there's still something that pains me as I watch him grow.
He weaned at not quite 5 months. Those of you who regularly read my blog know the story. He stopped gaining weight at 9 lbs (weighed at 10 wks). We tried everything. EVERYTHING. feeding constantly. Pumping constantly. Teas, herbs, medications (that made me go nuts), everything. I did all I could to keep him from having formula for over a month. Trips to Drs and lactation consultants. Telling Hana I couldn't play with her because I needed to feed Eli. Getting up at night to pump and to feed. So much work, so many tears and so little gain.
In fact, the gain was only 2 oz. In over a month. He was malnourished. You could see his ribs. It kills me to think that my desire to breastfeed, to keep him from having formula could have caused him harm. It could have affected his growth and the development of his brain. I was under the guidance of medical professionals, which is good, because otherwise my dreams could have killed him.
So I switched to formula. I still nursed as much as I could, but after a while my supply got to the point where nursing frustrated him too much and he wouldn't latch on. He refused me. At five months he was not getting any breast milk at all. Yes, I know, I could have found donor milk for him. Honestly tho, I didn't want to. At that point I think feeding him milk from another woman would have broken me. At least with the formula I was preparing it so I could sort of trick myself into believing I was the one providing the nourishment for him.
For some of you this wouldn't have been such a big deal at all. Some probably think I'm nuts for holding out as long as I did. But it mattered to me. It mattered so much, especially after all I went through with Hana. It matters a lot to me - there are forums I don't go to any more, people I feel uncomfortable around, articles I don't read, conversations I don't take part in.
There's such a dichotomy surrounding formula. The people who use it and think it's great and the people who don't and their passion for breastfeeding makes it seem as tho it should be in the same category as poison. I know they don't really think that. No one that I have shared my story with has ever made any negative comment about me using formula with my kids. But it still hurts.
It hurts to have to explain. It hurts to think people see me as an ignorant mother, or one that doesn't care, or one who isn't as bonded to her kids as they are, or that I am trying to take the "easy" way out.
Nothing about feeding Eli has been easy. For months this has weighed on me, and for weeks I've been half writing it all out, as if to be absolved in the confessional of the internet.
I don't want it to matter so much. I know I made the right choice. Yes, there are risks with formula - lower IQ, higher chances of illness and cancer, exposure to chemicals that I don't want in their systems. But for us it was weighing those risks against malnutrition and having a mother with very unstable mental health.
I don't want to be ashamed or to feel I have to hide Eli's bottles. I don't want to have to pour my struggles out, to admit to practical strangers that my body doesn't work right, that on my own I can't nourish my children. I don't want to try to normalize formula as a good choice, because I know for the vast majority of infants it isn't.
Never have I looked down on a mother who has chosen not to breastfeed. I admit at times I have to remind myself not to take it personally, but it's their choice to make. I do my best to encourage and inform without being pushy, and I admit I live vicariously through the nursing experiences of my friends.
I don't even know what I hope to accomplish by writing this all out, I know my decision was right and I've been validated by the people who are close to me.
Added later, because sometimes I need to write things twice to get where I want to go:
When I hear things about the benefits of breastfeeding or the risks with formula feeding it's like a stab to the heart. Not because I feel guilty, because I don't - I know this is my only option, I know I tried everything else. It hurts because I'm still angry. Something was taken away from me, something I dreamed of, prayed for, worked for, wanted with everything I have. The reminder of what that loss costs - both for me and for my children - is painful.
I don't go to LLL meetings to offer support to other women, because I'd have to bottle feed my son there. I don't go to local meeting about natural birth/parenting, because I don't want to have to explain to strangers how my body doesn't work right. I shy away from people that I know agree with me and feel as strongly as I do about nursing and breast milk and all those other things because I know I look like a hypocrite when I walk into Wal-Mart and pick up a can of formula. I have to remind myself not to take it personally when women I know choose not to breastfeed for what I think are silly reasons. It's hard. It's lonely. It's heartbreaking.
I do think women need more support with nursing. I also think the real problems that can come up - how hard it is in the first few weeks, the uncertainty, the real possibility of latch and supply issues, etc. need to be brought up more. I think there needs to be a distinction between what is NUTRITIONALLY best and what is GENERALLY best for a baby.
Mostly tho, and I say this as a person who lives in an area where a woman can NIP and not be looked at (I was nursing Eli everywhere for months), I think the only reaction people should have when they see a mother feeding her baby in any way is a sense of joy and peace because that baby is being nourished, cared for, and loved.
He weaned at not quite 5 months. Those of you who regularly read my blog know the story. He stopped gaining weight at 9 lbs (weighed at 10 wks). We tried everything. EVERYTHING. feeding constantly. Pumping constantly. Teas, herbs, medications (that made me go nuts), everything. I did all I could to keep him from having formula for over a month. Trips to Drs and lactation consultants. Telling Hana I couldn't play with her because I needed to feed Eli. Getting up at night to pump and to feed. So much work, so many tears and so little gain.
In fact, the gain was only 2 oz. In over a month. He was malnourished. You could see his ribs. It kills me to think that my desire to breastfeed, to keep him from having formula could have caused him harm. It could have affected his growth and the development of his brain. I was under the guidance of medical professionals, which is good, because otherwise my dreams could have killed him.
So I switched to formula. I still nursed as much as I could, but after a while my supply got to the point where nursing frustrated him too much and he wouldn't latch on. He refused me. At five months he was not getting any breast milk at all. Yes, I know, I could have found donor milk for him. Honestly tho, I didn't want to. At that point I think feeding him milk from another woman would have broken me. At least with the formula I was preparing it so I could sort of trick myself into believing I was the one providing the nourishment for him.
For some of you this wouldn't have been such a big deal at all. Some probably think I'm nuts for holding out as long as I did. But it mattered to me. It mattered so much, especially after all I went through with Hana. It matters a lot to me - there are forums I don't go to any more, people I feel uncomfortable around, articles I don't read, conversations I don't take part in.
There's such a dichotomy surrounding formula. The people who use it and think it's great and the people who don't and their passion for breastfeeding makes it seem as tho it should be in the same category as poison. I know they don't really think that. No one that I have shared my story with has ever made any negative comment about me using formula with my kids. But it still hurts.
It hurts to have to explain. It hurts to think people see me as an ignorant mother, or one that doesn't care, or one who isn't as bonded to her kids as they are, or that I am trying to take the "easy" way out.
Nothing about feeding Eli has been easy. For months this has weighed on me, and for weeks I've been half writing it all out, as if to be absolved in the confessional of the internet.
I don't want it to matter so much. I know I made the right choice. Yes, there are risks with formula - lower IQ, higher chances of illness and cancer, exposure to chemicals that I don't want in their systems. But for us it was weighing those risks against malnutrition and having a mother with very unstable mental health.
I don't want to be ashamed or to feel I have to hide Eli's bottles. I don't want to have to pour my struggles out, to admit to practical strangers that my body doesn't work right, that on my own I can't nourish my children. I don't want to try to normalize formula as a good choice, because I know for the vast majority of infants it isn't.
Never have I looked down on a mother who has chosen not to breastfeed. I admit at times I have to remind myself not to take it personally, but it's their choice to make. I do my best to encourage and inform without being pushy, and I admit I live vicariously through the nursing experiences of my friends.
I don't even know what I hope to accomplish by writing this all out, I know my decision was right and I've been validated by the people who are close to me.
Added later, because sometimes I need to write things twice to get where I want to go:
When I hear things about the benefits of breastfeeding or the risks with formula feeding it's like a stab to the heart. Not because I feel guilty, because I don't - I know this is my only option, I know I tried everything else. It hurts because I'm still angry. Something was taken away from me, something I dreamed of, prayed for, worked for, wanted with everything I have. The reminder of what that loss costs - both for me and for my children - is painful.
I don't go to LLL meetings to offer support to other women, because I'd have to bottle feed my son there. I don't go to local meeting about natural birth/parenting, because I don't want to have to explain to strangers how my body doesn't work right. I shy away from people that I know agree with me and feel as strongly as I do about nursing and breast milk and all those other things because I know I look like a hypocrite when I walk into Wal-Mart and pick up a can of formula. I have to remind myself not to take it personally when women I know choose not to breastfeed for what I think are silly reasons. It's hard. It's lonely. It's heartbreaking.
I do think women need more support with nursing. I also think the real problems that can come up - how hard it is in the first few weeks, the uncertainty, the real possibility of latch and supply issues, etc. need to be brought up more. I think there needs to be a distinction between what is NUTRITIONALLY best and what is GENERALLY best for a baby.
Mostly tho, and I say this as a person who lives in an area where a woman can NIP and not be looked at (I was nursing Eli everywhere for months), I think the only reaction people should have when they see a mother feeding her baby in any way is a sense of joy and peace because that baby is being nourished, cared for, and loved.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Who am I?
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about who I am and what kind of person I want to be. The last few years have been quite a transition for me, and it's been hard to find myself int he midst of everything else. These are the tings that are important to me, the kind of woman, mother, friend and wife I want to be. Some of them I'm better at than others, but they are all goals I am activly working towards.
- I want to be the kind of woman who feels good about herself, even on my bad days.
- I want to be the kind of woman who can express her feelings without guilt, malace, insecurity or fear.
- I want to be the kind of woman who takes time to laugh, relax and be thankful for the world around me.
- I want to be the kind of woman who lives a life full of interest - hobbies, studying, events and experiences.
- I want to be the kind of woman who has a deep, rich and relevant spiritual life.
- I want to be the kind of wife that chooses to submit to her husband in love, trust and partnership.
- I want to be the kind of wife that makes the home easy for her husband to come home to - complete with home cooked meals and some form of order.
- I want to be the kind of wife that encourages and inspires her husband to be a better man, giving him strength, ideas, support and anything else he needs to find his dreams.
- I want to be the kind of wife that can talk to her husband - no nagging, no games, not afraid to show vulnerabilities.
- I want to be the kind of wife that is still dating her husband and all the fun and excitement that goes along with that.
- I want to be the kind of mother that gets down on the floor with her kids, gets loud and dirty, makes mistakes and messes and everything else, experiencing life with them.
- I want to be the kind of mother that gets respect from her kids by respecting them.
- I want to be the kind of mother that prepares her kids to live as successful adults, even if that means not always getting my way.
- I want to be the kind of mother that always talks in the positive about her kids, even through all the struggles and challenging times.
- I want to be the kind of mother whose kids (and their friends) can feel comfortable around, talk to about anything and respectfully disagree with.
- I want to be the kind of friend that one doesn't hesitate to call in a time of need, no matter what time of day it is.
- I want to be the kind of friend that will show up and do dishes or laundry or just chat when someone is having a rough day.
- I want to be the kind of friend that will have people over and not worry about the state my house is in.
- I want to be the kind of friend that keeps in touch with people instead of just keeping track of them.
- I want to be the kind of friend that listens and shares and is open with no pretenses, judgment or anything else that keeps people from really being honest and really getting close.
- I want to be the kind of woman who feels good about herself, even on my bad days.
- I want to be the kind of woman who can express her feelings without guilt, malace, insecurity or fear.
- I want to be the kind of woman who takes time to laugh, relax and be thankful for the world around me.
- I want to be the kind of woman who lives a life full of interest - hobbies, studying, events and experiences.
- I want to be the kind of woman who has a deep, rich and relevant spiritual life.
- I want to be the kind of wife that chooses to submit to her husband in love, trust and partnership.
- I want to be the kind of wife that makes the home easy for her husband to come home to - complete with home cooked meals and some form of order.
- I want to be the kind of wife that encourages and inspires her husband to be a better man, giving him strength, ideas, support and anything else he needs to find his dreams.
- I want to be the kind of wife that can talk to her husband - no nagging, no games, not afraid to show vulnerabilities.
- I want to be the kind of wife that is still dating her husband and all the fun and excitement that goes along with that.
- I want to be the kind of mother that gets down on the floor with her kids, gets loud and dirty, makes mistakes and messes and everything else, experiencing life with them.
- I want to be the kind of mother that gets respect from her kids by respecting them.
- I want to be the kind of mother that prepares her kids to live as successful adults, even if that means not always getting my way.
- I want to be the kind of mother that always talks in the positive about her kids, even through all the struggles and challenging times.
- I want to be the kind of mother whose kids (and their friends) can feel comfortable around, talk to about anything and respectfully disagree with.
- I want to be the kind of friend that one doesn't hesitate to call in a time of need, no matter what time of day it is.
- I want to be the kind of friend that will show up and do dishes or laundry or just chat when someone is having a rough day.
- I want to be the kind of friend that will have people over and not worry about the state my house is in.
- I want to be the kind of friend that keeps in touch with people instead of just keeping track of them.
- I want to be the kind of friend that listens and shares and is open with no pretenses, judgment or anything else that keeps people from really being honest and really getting close.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Time Changes
Three years ago around this time I found out I was pregnant. Scared, excited, thrilled, nervous, so many new emotions and plans.
Two years ago Hana was doing little more than sitting and putting everything in site into her mouth.
Last year she was standing, cruising, crawling, but not walking. She was, however, saying a whole lot. At the top of her lungs.
Today, Hana and I were outside jumping in puddles, chasing each other and learning what happens when you throw chunks of ice at the ground.
Two years ago Hana was doing little more than sitting and putting everything in site into her mouth.
Last year she was standing, cruising, crawling, but not walking. She was, however, saying a whole lot. At the top of her lungs.
Today, Hana and I were outside jumping in puddles, chasing each other and learning what happens when you throw chunks of ice at the ground.
Friday, March 06, 2009
Personal Solstace
I hate winter.
Well, not really, it is generally my least favorite time of year, but I do like snow and Christmas and other wintery things. What I hate is what winter does to me.
Like many people, winter is hard for me to get through. I'm stuck inside, it's dark and dreary. I get cabin fever, I miss people, I get discouraged and lethargic and can't seem to break myself out of it. It sucks away my energy and my spirit. Some of the worst things I've gone through have happened in winter, which also colours my thoughts towards it.
In short, winter sucks.
And then through March every year I notice things start to take a turn. I think about spring and summer, of rain and the beach. I push myself to get out of the house more and connect with people. I start to feel more alive again.
From now through November things will be much different. It's like I can think again, breathe again, function again.
Now if it would just stop snowing...
Well, not really, it is generally my least favorite time of year, but I do like snow and Christmas and other wintery things. What I hate is what winter does to me.
Like many people, winter is hard for me to get through. I'm stuck inside, it's dark and dreary. I get cabin fever, I miss people, I get discouraged and lethargic and can't seem to break myself out of it. It sucks away my energy and my spirit. Some of the worst things I've gone through have happened in winter, which also colours my thoughts towards it.
In short, winter sucks.
And then through March every year I notice things start to take a turn. I think about spring and summer, of rain and the beach. I push myself to get out of the house more and connect with people. I start to feel more alive again.
From now through November things will be much different. It's like I can think again, breathe again, function again.
Now if it would just stop snowing...
Monday, March 02, 2009
Eli - 7 months
Yes, I am aware that this is a few days late. I'm in denial.
I can't believe he's 7 months. He's eating food and spinning in circles on the floor and crawling backwards and all the other things 7 month olds do.
He's my baby and he's just growing too fast!
I can't believe he's 7 months. He's eating food and spinning in circles on the floor and crawling backwards and all the other things 7 month olds do.
He's my baby and he's just growing too fast!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Designer
I'm very proud of myself right now.
I just designed this:
It's a mug cozy. I found a pattern for a similar one. Well, kinda similar. It had a bottom, and the top wasn't attached, and it was a different stitch pattern. I made it, and liked it, er, except for the above changes. So I came up with my own. Charted the pattern and everything.
It took less than 5 hrs start to finish.
Now I'm going to bed.
I just designed this:
It's a mug cozy. I found a pattern for a similar one. Well, kinda similar. It had a bottom, and the top wasn't attached, and it was a different stitch pattern. I made it, and liked it, er, except for the above changes. So I came up with my own. Charted the pattern and everything.
It took less than 5 hrs start to finish.
Now I'm going to bed.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Thrown Away
Has anyone else noticed the absurdity of disposable products?
A few months ago I saw a comercal for paper plates. The point was you have more important things in life than doing dishes, so just throw everything out. Brilliant, right? Never mind that most people have dishwashers, and if you don't doing dishes only takes about 20 minutes anyway. Because really, watching tv or checking email is way more important. Sure, they make it seem like you're going to spend time with family, but let's be honest, if you have time to be online you have time to do dishes.
Things like that frustrate me a lot. Ben and I work really hard to not use dispible products. Because really, buying something with the intnet of using it once and throwing it out, especially when there are other re-usable products that accomplish the same thing, rediculous.
We use rags instead of paper towels, wash cloths instead of napkins for the kids, microfiber instead of swiffer, cloth diapers and I have a Diva cup. I figure we save at least 50$ a month (altho Hana is in disposables right now because she refuses to potty and I can't afford bigger diapers for her right now, but we're working on potty training) just by doing a two extra loads of laundry a week.
Yes, extra laundry, which does mean extra water and extra power. However, when you take into consideration the resources used in manufacturing as well as the wast from the packaging and the products themselves, we're still coming out ahead.
The only downside I can see to reusable products is that they don't really benefit the economy any. Well, except for reusable bags. I buy one of those a month when I forget to bring one with me.
A few months ago I saw a comercal for paper plates. The point was you have more important things in life than doing dishes, so just throw everything out. Brilliant, right? Never mind that most people have dishwashers, and if you don't doing dishes only takes about 20 minutes anyway. Because really, watching tv or checking email is way more important. Sure, they make it seem like you're going to spend time with family, but let's be honest, if you have time to be online you have time to do dishes.
Things like that frustrate me a lot. Ben and I work really hard to not use dispible products. Because really, buying something with the intnet of using it once and throwing it out, especially when there are other re-usable products that accomplish the same thing, rediculous.
We use rags instead of paper towels, wash cloths instead of napkins for the kids, microfiber instead of swiffer, cloth diapers and I have a Diva cup. I figure we save at least 50$ a month (altho Hana is in disposables right now because she refuses to potty and I can't afford bigger diapers for her right now, but we're working on potty training) just by doing a two extra loads of laundry a week.
Yes, extra laundry, which does mean extra water and extra power. However, when you take into consideration the resources used in manufacturing as well as the wast from the packaging and the products themselves, we're still coming out ahead.
The only downside I can see to reusable products is that they don't really benefit the economy any. Well, except for reusable bags. I buy one of those a month when I forget to bring one with me.
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