New Year

A few years ago I stopped having resolutions for the new year - they enver worked and weren't worth the eventual guilt. This year, however, Ben and I are planning something new for the new year.

We're going to do a 3 month no-spend. Inspired by this blog we're going to stop spending money. Thankfully, Ben and I don't have a debt problem - the government is paying back my school loan via my child tax credit and universal childcare benefit (take THAT people who refused to give me a government loan!) and our mortgage is less than a lot of people pay for rent. We don't have cable or cell phones and so have no guilt with our phone and internet plans. We're already fairly frugal with spending, but do have a weakness for junk food and Starbucks.

So here is the plan:
- groceries once every two weeks, max 150$ each trip.
This is higher than our usual grocery budget (120 every two weeks) but we usually eat out once a week and make weekend runs for snacks. I figure raising the groceries slightly will still cost less than what we were doing.

- 120$ a month for bulk.
This includes meat (we shop at Costco) and pasta, rice, nuts etc. I get at Bulk Barn. I doubt we'll spend that much, as we don't get everything every time we shop, but that's the max I can spend at one time to replenish.

- Formula for Eli and Diapers for Hana
Eli is full time in cloth, so that's not an issue. Hana was in cloth, then potty trained, and then peeing on my floor. We're trying different methods of pottying with Hana, but she needs disposables at night, otherwise she and the bed are both soaked in the morning.

- Go to the Gym
I have a membership and I will use it twice a week minimum. I'd like to be going three times a week, but we'll start slow.

Everything else is off limits. There is nothing else we need. At the end of the three months we'll see how things are going and move forward from there. I'm hoping I'll be able to cut back even more, but again, we're starting small. The hope is that we'll save enough to be able to get new flooring and paint for the house. We've been here over a year and the walls are still bare.

Christmas is very different than it has ever been for me. It has more meaning, more wonder, more awe and mystery. I look at my kids and I think of the sacrifice of God - incarnate, helpless, sent to be killed. I can't fathom it. It seems so odd, so wrong. I can't imagine an existance away from my kids, can't fathom sacrificing them for anything. And then I have a profound thought.

I am not God.

It's easy for me to become cynical about things this time of year, I admit. It's hard to reconcile peace on earth while war rages, hard to reflect on sacrifice while lives of excess are glorified, hard to celebrate the birth of a baby when so many children are starving to death. There are so many things I don't understand, that I can't even begin to reconcile, things I would do differently if I was, but I am not God.

And that is what brings me to my knees, gets me to a place where I can worship, where I can trust, where I can reflect on who He is. God incarnate, God who heals, Father God.

And the God who will make a way.

No matter what the cost, no matter how long it takes, God will make a way. There will be peace on earth, there will be comfort for those who mourn, those who ask will receive, because God will make a way, has made a way and is making a way each moment that passes.

I worship a God of mystery, of wonder, a God who seems illogical, who is above my understanding, a God who cares, who lives, a God of love, of sacrifice, a God who weeps, a God who understands. I don't have to understand, or agree, or be able to explain it. No matter how much I question, how frustrated the process makes me, I am always brought to this place. He is God, I am not, and I worship Him.

No one can call me lazy

Well, actually they could, and some days they would even be right, but not lately. Lately I've been crafty, and not even in the diabolical way.

I've been crocheting diaper covers for Eli, here's one, isn't it cute


And I made a sock monkey for Hana

(face to come later)

I've got another cover made and I'm going to start another one tonight. In other words, I'm trying to justify putting off wrapping Christmas gifts.

Unwritten

My blog is getting neglected.

It's not for lack of ideas - I have so many things I want to say. In fact, there is more than one half written draft just waiting for me to finish and publish. But I don't.
I get halfway through a thought and then wonder if it really matters, if it's worth my time to write about it, or yours to read it.

Plus I'm averaging about 6 hrs of sleep a night, and so I've been taking advantage of the days when both kids nap at the same time and sleep myself. When Hana is up and she sees me on here, she asks to play the typing game too. Ah well, it's good for her letter recognition I guess.

Why I Like Yarn

- Yarn allows me to be in control and does not require a detailed explanation in order to feel it has a say in what I'm going to do with it
- Yarn does not demand anything from me and then punctuate that demand with "pah-leeze!
- Yarn does not make any sort of mess on itself and require me to clean it
- Yarn does not wake me up in the middle of the night and then sedate me with an adorable little coo
- When interacting with yarn I have no fear of being covered in bodily fluids (aside from my own)

Feminism

Sparked by a discussion on one of my message boards, and reading this article, I want to share the following:

I am a feminist. I tried to convince myself (and others) that I wasn't for a long time, but then I realized that it was the way feminist ideas are presented that I didn't agree with, not the ideas themselves.

For instance, I think women and men are inherently equal partners, but different partners with complimentary strengths and weaknesses. These aren't just the obvious physical differences either. Men and women are so vastly different and these differences can show in any way imaginable and still be distinctly feminine or distinctly male. So many times it seems that the feminist movement tries to make women more masculine - "stronger", more forceful, less emotional and sympathetic, basically stripping them of the things that make them feminine. Except for their sexuality, of course.

Sexuality is portrayed as some sort of power card that equalizes. Unfortunately women don't realize that this is just another way for men to think they own us. There's talk of women being free to express and share their sexuality freely with anyone they choose, but if really given the choice, would they share it so freely? Sensuality should be celebrated, not used.

I fully agree that men and women should get equal pay for equal work, and that there shouldn't be vocational limits put on a person because of gender roles. At the same time, I believe men and women have inherently different traits (that manifest to different degrees depending on the person) and that these traits should be explored and used in whatever vocation a person chooses, not hidden or undermined. No doors should be closed based on gender as gender has no ties to ability, intelligence, skill or desire.

I believe in "girl power" - the power to create life, to birth, to nurture, to think with the heart. There is so much about being a woman that has been forgotten and overlooked. In Western culture the power of the feminine has been pushed aside and hidden to the point that those who talk about it are seen as some sort of fanatics. Even the power to be sensual has been taken from us and exploited to the point where women feel uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of their sexuality.

I feel that the cultural view of women, especially "strong" women only compounds the problem. Women are constantly feeling pressure and tension, torn between their emotions, their desires and the ideals they feel laid out in front of them by traditions, beliefs, media and society. At times it can feel that no matter what choice she makes someone is being let down or betrayed, usually it turns out that it is the woman herself.

I am a feminist. I am a woman with a degree who has chosen to stay at home with my children. I am a wife who chooses to submit to her husband and defer to his decisions, even when I disagree. I am slowly finding peace with my body and my sexuality as it is and not comparing it to the standard that the male-driven world tries to hold me to.

So not boreing

With all the chaos that goes with American politics, Canadian politics (like the Canadian version of far too many things...) often get overlooked. Well, no one can say that Canadian politics are boring now.

Not when the Governer General - the Queen's figurehead in Canada - is required to cut a trip short in order to settle things down in Parliament. It's basically the equivalent of mom turning the car around.

Harper's strategy of "agree with me or go dissolve government" backfired, and now things are getting messy. Everyone else has an idea how to clean up the mess - a proposed coalition government - but we're still a democracy, and it's up to the GG to decide if the Canadian people have a say in this.

I do not envy her position right now.

I was surprised when I heard about the proposed coalition, especially after the NDP focused so much on how Dion was not fit to be PM. Hrm. Kinda shot themselves in the foot there, haven't they....

The majority of Canada didn't want Harper back in power (actually, the majority didn't want him there in the first place), but since we can't agree on who we do want leading the country, Harper is what we got. There is no guarantee that if things go to vote as they are (with the Liberals and NDP as separate parties) things would be any different.

I talked to my dad about this (my personal political scientist) and his dream would be for Harper to step down and his Deputy to come into power. Then there's no more Harper and no Dion, everybody wins. Well, in his mind at least.

THis is just a bad time for this to be happening. Any decision the GG makes will postpone government taking any action on the economic crisis. To go to the polls again costs an astronomical amount (tho not nearly as much as the US elections).

It's such a mess I don't even know what I would like to see happen, it seems either way we're screwed.

Hana - 25 months

The last month has been an interesting one. Sleep is hard to come by at night again - some nights we're up two or three times. Yesterday she technically slept all night, which is great, except that it was 4 am when she got up. Ah well, like all else this is a phase I'm sure. Naps however are going great. For the first time in a long time Hana is asking to be worn for her naps. It's wonderful to be able to snuggle and comfort her as she drifts off to sleep, and heartwarming to hear her ask for it.

Language has taken a huge leap forward this month (which we suspect is the reason for the lack of sleep). She has conversations now, tells stories, comes up with funny things to say. It's wonderful and so much fun. I have to keep reminding myself that she's only two, that she doesn't always know how to say what she means or ask for what she wants. We don't always understand what she's trying to say, and it's very frustrating for her.

She shows so much compassion and love for all of us. When Eli cries she talks to him or offers one of her toys and says he needs a big hug or some milk. She's stuck on Ben right now which can make things a bit difficult when he's at work and all she wants is a hug from Daddy. She's also quite taken with the giraffe with the shiny nose (aka Rudolf).

She is so much fun right now - challenging of course, but fun. Right now she would much rather watch Sesame Street than have me type, and so I'll have to cut my praise of her short. Just one of those days.

Eli - four months

Wow, what a month. It hasn't been easy. Actually, it was very stressful - I spent a lot of time in prayer, too much time very worried. In the end, I learned a lot.

I learned that just because you try really hard doesn't mean you'll succeed. I learned that no matter how strongly you believe in something that there are still times you need to compromise. I learned that things are not always all or nothing. I learned how strong I can be and what it means to put my child ahead of myself. I learned just how much fun a baby boy can be.

Eli got through the whole mess much better than I did. He never stopped grinning and giggling. In fact, he learned to belly laugh. He also grew. A lot. As of this morning he is 12lbs 6 oz - more than 3 lbs in one month! His growth has slowed a bit, which is good, it seems he's just about caught up to where he should be and we have the all clear from my doctor and don't need to go back until his 6 month check.

Eli is doing great. He's almost sitting. He's also reaching for things and gets such a proud look when he grabs on to something. He still loves to nurse to sleep, and has cut back to only one feeding a night. He's friendly, content, and loves to laugh. I'm so relieved, so glad he's gaining and that all is well. I can't wait to watch him over Christmas and see what this next month brings.

THe good Life

Insert big sigh of relief here.

Hana has been going to bed much easier the last few days. We wrap her and she's out in a few minutes. Much better than the two hours of alternating screaming and being awake. Part of the problem was our expectations - getting her to sleep 7-7 just wasn't reasonable, especially if she was napping through the day. So we pushed bedtime back by an hour and a half and things are much smoother. She was going to sleep at that time anyway, so really the only difference is in how frustrated we get before hand.

Eli is growing so much now! He's like a different baby all of a sudden. I'm so so thankful that he's healthy.

So right now it's a little after 10 pm, both kids are asleep and I'm sitting on the couch spending time with my husband, watching him play a game. We're both relaxed, the house is reasonably clean, life is good.

After all the stress of the last couple of months this feels so good. I can think again. I can learn, I can interact.

I can also get so much more done! It's almost Christmas! hrm...maybe I'll get the decorations out....

Updates

- Last Monday Eli weighed 9lbs 4 oz, today he weighed 11 lbs 10 oz. He's still under percentiles from where he was a birth (above 50th then, just below 25th now) but is doing much better. He has rolls now and a weeka go I could see his ribs. Praise God he's gaining and the issues we had didn't affect his development.

- Hana is going through a developmental spurt. She's talking in full sentences, beginning to tell stories and has learned to open doors and jump. As always these are exciting times, but they also cause an interruption in sleep for everyone.

- Ben's meds have made a huge difference. I have my husband back. We're able to relax together, to talk, to function as a family. There is much less stress in our lives right now. It's so good.

- I can't believe it's just over a month until Christmas and I haven't started playing Christmas music yet. Let's not even talk about Christmas shopping.

Drop Out

Once again I am a NaNoWriMo drop out. With Eli being so underweight until recently my time has not been my own - pumping, feeding, weight checks, prayer, worry, time with Hana, supplimenting, washing. It's been a struggle, but we're good now. I'll do an update after our appointment tomorrow, once I'm sure we're in the clear.

I've mentioned before how I'm an idealist. I see the world the way I think it should be. I've often joked with people that if everyone would just do things the way I think they should do things, the world would be a better place. Needless to say, I've gotten used to disappointment, and I know the world just won't work like that.

It's harder, however, when my own life doesn't live up to the ideals I've set. I want to be the parent whose child never throws a tantrum, is never left to cry alone. Who breastfeeds until the child is ready to stop. Who is always there to nurture, teach, gently discipline. I want to be the friend who is considerate, available, open. I want a clean house, a satisfied husband, a vibrant spiritual life.

My life lately has involved a two year old who hasn't gotten enough of my undivided attention, a 3 month old who had only gained a pound since birth because my breastmilk isn't enough to sustain him, let alone make him thrive. A husband who gladly works hard to provide for his family and then comes home to help out with the kids because I'm stressed out. I've pulled away from friends because I'm not comfortable with letting them see me failing - leftover insecurity that I just can't seem to get rid of. My spiritual life is no where near what I would like it to be, but has been exactly what I've needed to sustain me. In short, I'm not measuring up.

So I've had to let go of some things. And really I'm ok with that. I own my decisions, and I realize what I want is not always possible and sometimes isn't the right choice for my family. But it's still hard - hard to set aside the ideal, hard to admit to others that I'm not doing what I thought I'd do, that what is important to me just can't happen. I guess I'm more concerned about appearing a failure or a hypocrite than I am with living my life the way it needs to be lived. I'm ok with not being perfect, but it's still hard when the rest of the world finds out.

Lessons Learned

I've learned that just because you try really hard does not mean you'll succeed. I've also learned that sometimes succeeding isn't the most important thing.

Eli is now being fed formula. My poor son has only gained an ounce (30 grams) in the last month - and he had been underweight at that time too. We thought it was different things, we tried different things, but what it comes down to is he needs to eat. A combination of weak suck, low supply, and inadequate glandular tissue makes nursing exclusivly unrealistic for us. Even with meds, pumping every two hours, feeding every two hours and using a supplimental system we were unable to get enough into him.

It's hard, and heartbreaking, but not nearly as much as it was with Hana. I had much better support this time around. I had two wonderful LCs that I saw two or more times a week. I had family and friends I could talk to. And as much as I want to nurse him, it's more important that he grows and is healthy.

Eli weighs (as of yesterday) 9lbs 4oz. He's 3.5 months old. He's malnourished, and that has it's own concerns, tho we're pretty confident it hasn't (and won't) had an effect on his development. When the problem was discovered a month ago his small weight was an issue, but not a real problem. After trying everything we can and still not getting it up, it is a concern. I will be taking him for another weight check on Friday to make sure he is gaining and that there isn't a problem with his digestion or his ability to gain weight.

I"m still pumping 4 times a day and nursing for comfort (after a feeding to put him to sleep etc.). Pumping isn't very effective for me - even on the herbal suppliments and the domperidone I was only getting about 16 oz a day. He'll get one bottle of breast milk a day and the rest I will freeze. Now that I'm not taking the domperidone (which causes mood swings and depression for me) I know my supply will start to drop. By freezing my milk now I'm hoping he'll get at least some breast milk his whole first year. Not much, but some. I'll continue pumping until my milk is gone, hopefully at least until he's 6 months old.

Two

This time two years ago I was full of anticipation. I was waiting for Hana's birth - what it would be like when I got to the hospital, praying the surgery would go well, what she would look like, how I would handle those first few days.

We had a rocky start. Nothing went the way I had planned or hoped for. Thankfully everything was fine physically, but emotionally I was a wreck. My bond with Hana is one that didn't come easy - we both had to work for it, and it was so worth the effort. I wouldn't change anything that happened because what we went through made such a fundamental impact on who I am. Until I became a mother I had no idea how much one person could change my life, change who I am. Going through that rough time and having the relationship we have now assures me that we will make it through anything.

Hana is a light in my life. She's quirky, kind, sensitive, fun, loving. She's spirited, persistant, determined, creative and imaginative. She has a huge heart, an amazing mind and some of the oddest habits I have ever seen. Every day she makes me laugh, makes me thank God for how blessed I am to have her in my life.

Over the last year she's grown so much, she's a completely different child. She is a child now, not so much a baby any more. Last year she was getting up 3-5 times a night, now she puts herself to sleep and we usually don't hear a peep out of her until morning. She was just starting to self-feed finger foods and transitioning to a sippy cup, and now she's using open cups and feeds herself with utensils. She was just getting the hang of crawling and now she runs.

When I play with her and she grins at me and asks for a kiss, or when she's laying on the floor colouring, or even when she's in the middle of a fit and then realizes I'm there to help and she asks for a hug, I'm blown away. I never knew being a mother would be this good, that watching her grow up would be this conflicting. It makes my heart swell and break all at the same time knowing that each day she needs me less and less, but chooses to need me more and more.

Eli Update

I had another appointment with the LC yesterday. The bad news is that Eli hadn't gained. The good news is, we think we've figured out the problem.

Our guess is that he has developed a lazy suck. I have a very strong let-down, so he would gulp that down and be satisfied. At least, that's what used to work until he had his last growth spurt. Now he's not getting enough fatty milk because he's not working for it. As a result, my supply dropped and he stopped gaining weight. I also have odd anatomy that makes it hard for him to draw the milk out - even when it looks like he's latched properly he's not deep enough. That's also why I have such a hard time pumping.

So with the use of a larger shield, larger pump horn and a supplemental nursing system, we're trying to get his weight up. The good news is that so far I've been pumping more than he's needed for a supplement. I go back in on Monday to see if what we're doing is working. If not, I'll need to supplement more (and right now I have some in the freezer for that purpose) and perhaps get a referral to a pediatrician to see if there is another reason for his not gaining.

Be praying my supply increases quickly - medication isn't really a possibility for me in that area because it has odd side effects for me (extreme mood swings). I'm doing everything I can with herbal remedies, hopefully they'll work. Also be praying Eli starts gaining and we don't need to use formula.

Confessions

- I've been known to tuck toys under the couch instead of picking them up. Makes for less mess the next day, and Hana gets all excited when I finally dig them out months later.

- The TV is on for hours a day. There used to be no tv at all, but that was before the second child was born.

- I bribe Hana with my computer when I want a few minutes to myself.

- Eli's laundry doesn't really get folded, just folded in half once so it's not a complete mess when I throw it in his drawer.

- I get Ben to pick up take-out when my day doesn't leave me enough time to think about planning a meal, let alone cook one.

- I leave my browser open to my favorite sites so I can feel like I have time to read things that interest me, and to make it quicker to actually read them while Hana is distracted by above mentioned TV.

- Crackers, cheese and pickles sometimes passes as lunch.

- I keep Hana naked from the waist down most of the day and put her in a disposable for her nap so I have less diapers to wash.

Eli - three months

Time is flying by. If it weren't for the change of seasons I wouldn't believe he's three months old already.

Eli is doing great - he smiles and coos all day long. He loves his sister, and gives me the cutest grins while he's nursing. He sleeps great, all nestled close beside me, and has learned to love being on my back while Hana plays outside.

We had a trip tot he lactation consultant today because he's about 500 grams (a little over 1lbs) smaller than he should be. He has a great latch, and a strong suck, but doesn't like my heavy let-down. We had just weaned from the shield, but the LC recommends I keep using it to help fully empty my breast and boost my supply a bit. My hemoglobin was really low after he was born (so much that my mother was shocked they didn't transfuse me) and that has made it harder for my body to produce milk. I'm starting to take fenugreek and pump and hopefully by Friday we see some improvement.

The struggle with him gaining weight has been hard on me. After everything that happened with Hana it's just heartbreaking to think I can't feed him. A mother's job is to nourish her child, and it felt as though I was failing. The LC assured me that he is healthy, just small, and there are things we can do to fix it before it becomes a real problem. I know so much more this time around, and even if I do need to suppliment, I'll keep nursing him as long as I can.

Ranting and Raving

I'm not so happy with life right now. Hana has been banging around in her room for over an hour. SHe was up until 10 last night and awake at 6:45 this morning - the child is tired and will be a bear tonight if she doesn't sleep. But she doesn't sleep, story of my life. She's waking up at night again, I'm telling myself it's just teething, but really I'm wondering if I'll ever get a decent sleep.

Eli isn't gaining weight. In the last two weeks he hasn't even gained an ounce. He's content and nurses great, but he's not growing. I can't even feed my own child, do you know how heartbreaking that is. We're ging to see a LC tomorrow, and I'm hopeful that we'll figure out what's wrong and be able to fix it, but it just kills me to know he hasn't been getting enough and I didn't notice. I thought we were doing so well. I thought he was growing - clothes don't fit anymore, isn't that a good sign? There was no indication there was a problem, he was just small - so is the rest of my family! I can't believe how stupid I was not to realize it was a problem. I'm so broken over that.

I'm stuck in the house all the time. In the evenings Ben is tired and doesn't want to go anywhere, plus we have to get Hana to bed. On the weekends I'm so exhausted it's hard to do anything, and Ben would rather stay home anyway. I'm feeling isolated from people - the only time I really see anyone is when they come here, and that doesn't happen often. I want to get out, I want to get to know people. I don't want to have to rely on the internet for social interaction, it's not good for me.

I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I feel so guilty leaving both kids with Ben, even tho he tells me not to. And then there's such a mess that needs to be cleaned up when I get home it doesn't seem worth it. But I have the membership so I'm just wasing money. Good thing this month was free.

My house is a mess. I just can't stay on top of it lately. No, not that I can't, I just haven't been. Lazy.

I've been neglecting God. THings were going really great for a while, but just haven't happened lately. No time to myself, no time to htink, let alone ready, study, meditate, reflect.

And to top it all off, I know God is still there, still faithful, still seeing me through this all. With Ben's illness, and Hana's spirit, and Eli's weight, I'm so scared and worried and guilty and ashamed and God can still handle it all. And handle me. Comfort me, give me hope and get me through it. I just need to let Him.

Get it done

I realize that as a born-and-raised resident of New Brunswick that really should say "Git'er done!", but meh.

I've been slacking in my responsibilities lately, not getting as much done around the house, or for me, or for Hana as I should have been. I'm not sure exactly what was filling my days, but it wasn't nearly enough of what should have been there. Every time Eli fell asleep Hana would wake him, she was getting more than an hour of TV a day, laundry was piling up and it was just not right.

Today, however, is going much better. We played upstairs for a bit, everyone was happy, no tantrums. Breakfast went great, then I got Eli on my back for a nap. Got a load of laundry put away and another started, tidied the living room, danced with Hana, vacuumed the rug, coloured with Hana. Then I made lunch, we both ate and the got Hana ready for her nap. Now Eli is playing beside me, my livingroom is presentable, my kitchen is passable and I'm not stressed out.


See, don't we look happy?



Now hopefully I can keep this momentum, get the kitchen and bathroom cleaned and go play outside with Hana again this afternoon. But first, a nap.