I honestly don't know where the time has gone. IT seems like just last week I was in the never-ending labour and it was summer. Now it's fall and he's already two months old!
He's doing really great. Like Hana, he's a slow gainer, about 10lbs right now. He's lean like Ben is, but still has rolls on his thighs and a cute double chin. When he's awake his eyes are so bright! He coos and kicks and flails his arms. He loves smiling and sticking his toungue out, and when I talk to him I can tell he's trying really hard to say something back. I can't wait for the stories he's going to tell!
He sleeps great - going 5 or 6 hours at night! We're working on nursing without the shield and so far it's not going too bad, so long as he isn't tired. WIthin a couple of weeks we should be fine without it I'm sure.
He seems so laid back, so curious. He's very content, so long as I'm in the room at least. He hates the car, but will sleep in his swing. He loves Hana and smiles and coos at her when she tries to make him laugh. I can't wait to get to know him better as more and more of his personality comes through.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Worth It
With raising Hana, Ben and I have made a commitment to always respect her feelings and do what we can to offer her comfort and teach her how to handle them. That means no yelling, no leaving her to cry alone, no spanking and doing what we can to walk her through issues. We're not always so good at it - especially the no yelling part, that one is really hard for me some days.
A lot of this we've realized is absolutely essential for Hana - she has very big emotions for such a small little girl. We don't indulge her tantrums - part of helping her walk through things is teaching her how to deal with frustration and disappointment. There are times she ends up in her room to have a tantrum, but that's her choice and she's free to come for a hug whenever she wants. We're teaching her she doesn't get what she wants by screaming and yelling, and that using words is the most effective way to communicate. We name her feelings for her, letting her know it's ok to feel angry or frustrated or sad when she doesn't understand or can't communicate. It can make things more frustrating for me at times, but I keep telling myself that showing her this level of respect and empathy will be worth it, and will make her the kind of person I dream she will be.
Today, my little girl amazed me. After her nap she was very cranky. I needed to change her, which she didn't like at all (and I think was the reason she woke up, she definitely could have had more sleep!). She was crying and just needing some love, so we curled up int he rocking chair and I rocked and sang to her. After a few minutes, Eli woke up and I could hear him crying through the monitor. I felt myself tense - I figured I' have two crying kids on my hands and that's never an easy thing to handle.
To my surprise, Hana popped her head up and said "Eli cry, sad, go get!". I was amazed. She had my full attention, and she was upset, but she also knew Eli needed me and didn't want him to be sad. She wanted to make sure his needs were met too.
It always amazes me when she does things like that - she is so compassionate and loving towards others. Yes, it gets exhausting and the constant whining makes me scream, but it's worth it.
And now I have it written down to remind myself next time we have a day like today.
A lot of this we've realized is absolutely essential for Hana - she has very big emotions for such a small little girl. We don't indulge her tantrums - part of helping her walk through things is teaching her how to deal with frustration and disappointment. There are times she ends up in her room to have a tantrum, but that's her choice and she's free to come for a hug whenever she wants. We're teaching her she doesn't get what she wants by screaming and yelling, and that using words is the most effective way to communicate. We name her feelings for her, letting her know it's ok to feel angry or frustrated or sad when she doesn't understand or can't communicate. It can make things more frustrating for me at times, but I keep telling myself that showing her this level of respect and empathy will be worth it, and will make her the kind of person I dream she will be.
Today, my little girl amazed me. After her nap she was very cranky. I needed to change her, which she didn't like at all (and I think was the reason she woke up, she definitely could have had more sleep!). She was crying and just needing some love, so we curled up int he rocking chair and I rocked and sang to her. After a few minutes, Eli woke up and I could hear him crying through the monitor. I felt myself tense - I figured I' have two crying kids on my hands and that's never an easy thing to handle.
To my surprise, Hana popped her head up and said "Eli cry, sad, go get!". I was amazed. She had my full attention, and she was upset, but she also knew Eli needed me and didn't want him to be sad. She wanted to make sure his needs were met too.
It always amazes me when she does things like that - she is so compassionate and loving towards others. Yes, it gets exhausting and the constant whining makes me scream, but it's worth it.
And now I have it written down to remind myself next time we have a day like today.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
My local mall has instituted a new rule - shopping carts are not allowed to leave their "base" stores: Sears, Wal-Mart, Sobeys and Toys r Us. That means there are no carts available in the main mall, and there are posts at the entrances to each of the base stores preventing you from taking the carts out.
There are (limited) strollers available at one kiosk in the mall - they have baskets and you can even get double strollers.
I think this is the worst idea ever. I am a mother of two. We do not take the infant car seat out of the car, nor do we have a stroller that's appropriate for an infant, I wear Eli in a carrier. We do have a stroller for Hana, but it has a rather small basket. WE normally go to the mall at least once a week, for the change of scenery if nothing else. When the weather is bad we go more often. A usual shopping trip at the mall would involve picking up a few things at Wal-Mart (one end of the mall) and then getting groceries at Sobeys )opposite end). With the new rules, these are my options:
1 - put Eli in a carrier and bring the stroller for Hana, only pick up a few things. This means more trips to the mall as I can't get a full grocery order.
2 - put Eli in a carrier and pray one of the strollers are available. So far there have never been strollers available when I've been there, but the mall keeps saying they're going to get more.
3 - Park at Wal-Mart, put Eli in a carrier and Hana in a cart. Shop, bring everything to the car, drive over to Sobeys and repeat. This means not going through the mall (which means not getting my tea at Starbucks or checking any other stores)
4 - Carry purchases through the mall while keeping track of Hana while I go to the other base store.
So which will I choose? None of the above. All of the options either require more stress or more driving, and none of them are worth it. Instead, I'll find another place to shop. Not far from the mall is another smaller shopping center that has a grocery store, Zellers and a dollar store, so I'll do most of my shopping there. When I do need to go to the mall, I'll either make sure Ben can come with me, or leave at least one of the kids at home with him. I think this is absolutely ridiculous. Whomever decided to make this change didn't realize the impact it would have on families or on their sales. I know I'll be spending much less time there - good for my budget, bad for theirs.
There are (limited) strollers available at one kiosk in the mall - they have baskets and you can even get double strollers.
I think this is the worst idea ever. I am a mother of two. We do not take the infant car seat out of the car, nor do we have a stroller that's appropriate for an infant, I wear Eli in a carrier. We do have a stroller for Hana, but it has a rather small basket. WE normally go to the mall at least once a week, for the change of scenery if nothing else. When the weather is bad we go more often. A usual shopping trip at the mall would involve picking up a few things at Wal-Mart (one end of the mall) and then getting groceries at Sobeys )opposite end). With the new rules, these are my options:
1 - put Eli in a carrier and bring the stroller for Hana, only pick up a few things. This means more trips to the mall as I can't get a full grocery order.
2 - put Eli in a carrier and pray one of the strollers are available. So far there have never been strollers available when I've been there, but the mall keeps saying they're going to get more.
3 - Park at Wal-Mart, put Eli in a carrier and Hana in a cart. Shop, bring everything to the car, drive over to Sobeys and repeat. This means not going through the mall (which means not getting my tea at Starbucks or checking any other stores)
4 - Carry purchases through the mall while keeping track of Hana while I go to the other base store.
So which will I choose? None of the above. All of the options either require more stress or more driving, and none of them are worth it. Instead, I'll find another place to shop. Not far from the mall is another smaller shopping center that has a grocery store, Zellers and a dollar store, so I'll do most of my shopping there. When I do need to go to the mall, I'll either make sure Ben can come with me, or leave at least one of the kids at home with him. I think this is absolutely ridiculous. Whomever decided to make this change didn't realize the impact it would have on families or on their sales. I know I'll be spending much less time there - good for my budget, bad for theirs.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Are you kidding me? HFCS
When I first saw the following commercials, I sort of chuckled - they're corney (sorry...) and the acting is um...great. But then as I thought about it, they kind of scare me.
You know what they say about HFCS? that it's in a whole lot of processed food (in Canada it appears on labels as "fructose-glucose", so keep that in mind); that it is supper processed itself (how else would they get sugars out of corn). Some people also claim it's more of a health risk than sugar, but I have to admit the corn refiners association is right - it is the same amount of calories.
What bothers me about this campaign is that people are going to forget that consuming large amounts of sugar isn't good for you, especially processed sugars (did you know table sugar comes from sugar beats and isn't naturally white?). Western society (myself included) is addicted to sweets, and sugars have virtually no nutritional value.
There are alternatives - honey and cane sugar can be used to sweeten things and aren't over processed - a much more natural route. You can also use fruit juices, or get used to things not being so sugary. Our palates have been trained to expect more sugar than there should be in things. For example, apples are a very sweet fruit. In fact, there is the same amount of sugar in an apple (13 grams) as in the average cookie. Naturally occurring sugars may not be better for you, but they are in foods that have more nutritional value than the average prepared food that is full of processed sugars.
So no, HFCS won't kill you, but it's definitely not the best choice out there. Advertising like this only contributes to the bad state of health in North America - this is another example of the media misleading public opinion for cooperate monetary gain.
You know what they say about HFCS? that it's in a whole lot of processed food (in Canada it appears on labels as "fructose-glucose", so keep that in mind); that it is supper processed itself (how else would they get sugars out of corn). Some people also claim it's more of a health risk than sugar, but I have to admit the corn refiners association is right - it is the same amount of calories.
What bothers me about this campaign is that people are going to forget that consuming large amounts of sugar isn't good for you, especially processed sugars (did you know table sugar comes from sugar beats and isn't naturally white?). Western society (myself included) is addicted to sweets, and sugars have virtually no nutritional value.
There are alternatives - honey and cane sugar can be used to sweeten things and aren't over processed - a much more natural route. You can also use fruit juices, or get used to things not being so sugary. Our palates have been trained to expect more sugar than there should be in things. For example, apples are a very sweet fruit. In fact, there is the same amount of sugar in an apple (13 grams) as in the average cookie. Naturally occurring sugars may not be better for you, but they are in foods that have more nutritional value than the average prepared food that is full of processed sugars.
So no, HFCS won't kill you, but it's definitely not the best choice out there. Advertising like this only contributes to the bad state of health in North America - this is another example of the media misleading public opinion for cooperate monetary gain.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
For my American Readers
Have you seen this?
It's information from Oprah.com about contacting your local senator about Bill 1738—The PROTECT Our Children Act. The purpose of this bill is to secure funding and make tracking child predators online a priority.
Please, I'm begging you, take the two minutes to copy and paste the letter on the Oprah site and send it to your senator. I've been online since I was 12, using chat rooms and messengers and I was propositioned more times than I can count - thankfully I was old enough to recognize pedophiles (most of the time...eventually), but not every child is so fortunate.
We need to make protecting children from pedophiles a top priority. The pedophiles themselves band together online in forums and web communities (even Christian ones) where their feelings and actions are not only understood, but normalized. Through participation in these forums the men (and women) involved loose their feelings of guilt and feel justified in their attractions to children. It's not a far step from normalization to action. With all the support and encouragement these pedophiles get, it's vital that we stand together against them to protect children from them.
Please pass on this information to all Americans you know - I can't really think of a reason why someone would be against this bill passing, regardless of their political affiliation.
It's information from Oprah.com about contacting your local senator about Bill 1738—The PROTECT Our Children Act. The purpose of this bill is to secure funding and make tracking child predators online a priority.
Please, I'm begging you, take the two minutes to copy and paste the letter on the Oprah site and send it to your senator. I've been online since I was 12, using chat rooms and messengers and I was propositioned more times than I can count - thankfully I was old enough to recognize pedophiles (most of the time...eventually), but not every child is so fortunate.
We need to make protecting children from pedophiles a top priority. The pedophiles themselves band together online in forums and web communities (even Christian ones) where their feelings and actions are not only understood, but normalized. Through participation in these forums the men (and women) involved loose their feelings of guilt and feel justified in their attractions to children. It's not a far step from normalization to action. With all the support and encouragement these pedophiles get, it's vital that we stand together against them to protect children from them.
Please pass on this information to all Americans you know - I can't really think of a reason why someone would be against this bill passing, regardless of their political affiliation.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
So now what?
Through another blog, I stumbled on this article. Yeah, I know, you're not going to read it. It's about Ray Boltz (you know, "Thank You", "The Anchor Holds" etc.). He's gay.
This has me wondering what the Christian community will do about it. I know a lot of people won't care, but for others it could be a tough spot. Will those songs be banned in churches now? Will people feel a need to criticize Boltz or publically denounce his career (and all the good it has done for the Kingdom)? Basically I'm wondering how much of a mess the North American church will make of this situation.
I could be optimistic and hope that it will enlighten more Christians to the fact that homosexuals are not evil, God hating individuals, but that might be too much to hope for.
I guess my frustration is the fact that so many people seem to hold homosexuality as this huge horrible sin, worse than murder. Never mind that the Bible states not to hate, a homosexual relationship is worse. If we treated every other sin the way we treat homosexuality (yeah, that's going to get people riled up on the other side of the issue, isn't it. No, I don't think that homosexual relationships are what God intended for His people, and I define sin as knowingly acting against a known law of God (yes, it's the act, not the attraction) I don't, however, feel that living a homosexual lifestyle means that a person is cut off from God. Like any other habitual sin, it will impact a Christian's life, but it doesn't make it impossible for someone to have a relationship with Christ, make sense?) then our churches would be empty - no one would qualify.
Why can't we be about celebrating that someone has a desire for God and helping them along that journey with Him, trusting that He loves them, knows what is best for them and will convict and change them as he sees fit. Yes, it is our job to correct an errant brother - to bring them back to seeking God when they go wandering away from them, but if someone is actively seeking God then it's not our place to push them where God hasn't asked them to go. I think if we're honest, we all have things in our lives that we know wouldn't be there if we were perfect, but we don't go railing on each other about them.
Ok, so most of that made no sense, and I'm sure I've offended just about everyone and haven't expressed my own views properly. This post may be edited as my own stupidity is pointed out to me and I have more time to think about this.
This has me wondering what the Christian community will do about it. I know a lot of people won't care, but for others it could be a tough spot. Will those songs be banned in churches now? Will people feel a need to criticize Boltz or publically denounce his career (and all the good it has done for the Kingdom)? Basically I'm wondering how much of a mess the North American church will make of this situation.
I could be optimistic and hope that it will enlighten more Christians to the fact that homosexuals are not evil, God hating individuals, but that might be too much to hope for.
I guess my frustration is the fact that so many people seem to hold homosexuality as this huge horrible sin, worse than murder. Never mind that the Bible states not to hate, a homosexual relationship is worse. If we treated every other sin the way we treat homosexuality (yeah, that's going to get people riled up on the other side of the issue, isn't it. No, I don't think that homosexual relationships are what God intended for His people, and I define sin as knowingly acting against a known law of God (yes, it's the act, not the attraction) I don't, however, feel that living a homosexual lifestyle means that a person is cut off from God. Like any other habitual sin, it will impact a Christian's life, but it doesn't make it impossible for someone to have a relationship with Christ, make sense?) then our churches would be empty - no one would qualify.
Why can't we be about celebrating that someone has a desire for God and helping them along that journey with Him, trusting that He loves them, knows what is best for them and will convict and change them as he sees fit. Yes, it is our job to correct an errant brother - to bring them back to seeking God when they go wandering away from them, but if someone is actively seeking God then it's not our place to push them where God hasn't asked them to go. I think if we're honest, we all have things in our lives that we know wouldn't be there if we were perfect, but we don't go railing on each other about them.
Ok, so most of that made no sense, and I'm sure I've offended just about everyone and haven't expressed my own views properly. This post may be edited as my own stupidity is pointed out to me and I have more time to think about this.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Budget Builders
I joined a gym. I'm super excited ab out this - it should improve not only my physical health, but mental as well, plus improve my family dynamic. It gets a little rough being home all the time, just me and the kids. Ben works long days and likes having time to himself, so this works for him too.
Thing is, it's a luxery, and money isn't something we have just laying around. We're getting by, and building a bit of savings too, but there's not a whole lot leftover.
So I need to find 55 extra dollars a month in our budget. I figure not eating out once a week (because I'm too stressed out/tired to cook) will cover most of that, but any extras I could find would be great too.
And so I'm asking for ideas - what are ways you save money or cut back expenses? We don't have cable, but internet is a must (I need to connect to the outside world somehow!). We try to avoid processed food, but I do pay a bit more for some organic items.
Give me more ideas people!
Thing is, it's a luxery, and money isn't something we have just laying around. We're getting by, and building a bit of savings too, but there's not a whole lot leftover.
So I need to find 55 extra dollars a month in our budget. I figure not eating out once a week (because I'm too stressed out/tired to cook) will cover most of that, but any extras I could find would be great too.
And so I'm asking for ideas - what are ways you save money or cut back expenses? We don't have cable, but internet is a must (I need to connect to the outside world somehow!). We try to avoid processed food, but I do pay a bit more for some organic items.
Give me more ideas people!
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
My kids
First of all, not only does it still feel odd using the plural of that, there is still a part of me that has a hard time understanding that I really am a mom.
It just seems so surreal sometimes to believe that I have the full time responsibility of two tiny people. It feels wrong sometimes - I'm only 25, right? On bad days it's easy to think of all the things I "could" be doing instead of changing poopy diapers and listening to Elmo sing the alphabet song. Sometimes my head is so full of kid stuff that it can feel like I've lost myself. Sometimes I don't have the time I need to think or process what's going on around me. Sometimes it feels like I've lost the ability to just be me without being a mom, to have a conversation with adults (let alone a conversation that doesn't involve kids). It can be overwhelming and frustrating.
But then I look at these two beautiful children and I'm just in awe - that I've been trusted with these two lives, that I've been part of the process of creating these two people, each with their own personalities and ideas and futures, it blows me away. They challenge me and help me grow, the amaze and entertain me. They fill me with so much joy I couldn't imagine being as fulfilled any other way.
It just seems so surreal sometimes to believe that I have the full time responsibility of two tiny people. It feels wrong sometimes - I'm only 25, right? On bad days it's easy to think of all the things I "could" be doing instead of changing poopy diapers and listening to Elmo sing the alphabet song. Sometimes my head is so full of kid stuff that it can feel like I've lost myself. Sometimes I don't have the time I need to think or process what's going on around me. Sometimes it feels like I've lost the ability to just be me without being a mom, to have a conversation with adults (let alone a conversation that doesn't involve kids). It can be overwhelming and frustrating.
But then I look at these two beautiful children and I'm just in awe - that I've been trusted with these two lives, that I've been part of the process of creating these two people, each with their own personalities and ideas and futures, it blows me away. They challenge me and help me grow, the amaze and entertain me. They fill me with so much joy I couldn't imagine being as fulfilled any other way.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Working on it
Notice some changes? I'm playing around with things, this isn't the final product, but at least I'm getting started, finally
Sunday, September 07, 2008
House of Prayer
I heard a very good message lately that used Jesus' cleansing of the temple as text. The key point was that God's temple was intended to be a house of prayer.
That stands in stark contrast to most churches. It's long been established that prayer nights are the lest attended events at a church. How often do churches want to be known for their programs, their music, their preaching or multimedia. How many churches are known for their prayer?
I know how hard it is to get people to pray, and how other things, preaching, worship etc. are also important. We must keep in mind, however, that worship, sacrifice, teaching and community were part of temple life as well, and yet it was still to be known as a house of prayer. All interaction that happens between people is limited and crippled if there is no interaction between the people of God and God Himself.
If we put as much time and effort into prayer as we do the other aspects of church life, I think three things would happen. First, we'd have to spend less time, energy and stress on the other things and put them into better perspective. Second, relationships would grow deeper - it's hard not to connect to those you pray with and pray for. Third, and most important, we'd see and experience the power of God because we would (finally) be open and available to it.
That stands in stark contrast to most churches. It's long been established that prayer nights are the lest attended events at a church. How often do churches want to be known for their programs, their music, their preaching or multimedia. How many churches are known for their prayer?
I know how hard it is to get people to pray, and how other things, preaching, worship etc. are also important. We must keep in mind, however, that worship, sacrifice, teaching and community were part of temple life as well, and yet it was still to be known as a house of prayer. All interaction that happens between people is limited and crippled if there is no interaction between the people of God and God Himself.
If we put as much time and effort into prayer as we do the other aspects of church life, I think three things would happen. First, we'd have to spend less time, energy and stress on the other things and put them into better perspective. Second, relationships would grow deeper - it's hard not to connect to those you pray with and pray for. Third, and most important, we'd see and experience the power of God because we would (finally) be open and available to it.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Politic Policies
I usually keep my mouth shut about politics. That is partially because I spent a lot of time around Americans the past few years and realized it was just easier to be quiet, and partially because I don't really care enough to have more than just a surface opinion about most subjects.
There is one thing in the current election race that has stuck out to me tho. Normally, I find it repulsive when opposing parties try to bring up dirt about the past, family or personal life of their competitors. Unless it relates directly to the issues at hand (and it rarely does - people are allowed to change their minds over time), it isn't relevant.
But now there is this controversy involving Sarah Palin and her family life. Her seventeen year old daughter is pregnant and her son has Downs Syndrome. On a forum I'm a part of, it was brought up that perhaps spending more time with her children during this time would be wiser than running for office.
My first reaction - leave her family out of it. Honestly, unless she feels politics are interfering with her family (or vice versa), then it shouldn't be an issue - we shouldn't even know about it unless she's the one who tells us.
Then I got thinking. She (and McCain) have built her up as such a family woman. A hockey mom etc. It's obvious her family is important to her, and they're trying to use that as a selling point to get more votes.
So now, what becomes worse - using your family as a bargaining chip (and thus leaving them (justifiably) open to exposure, or trying to find dirt on your competitor?
Either way, Obama gets points for considering the whole thing off limits. I wonder if McCain/Palin thought about that.
There is one thing in the current election race that has stuck out to me tho. Normally, I find it repulsive when opposing parties try to bring up dirt about the past, family or personal life of their competitors. Unless it relates directly to the issues at hand (and it rarely does - people are allowed to change their minds over time), it isn't relevant.
But now there is this controversy involving Sarah Palin and her family life. Her seventeen year old daughter is pregnant and her son has Downs Syndrome. On a forum I'm a part of, it was brought up that perhaps spending more time with her children during this time would be wiser than running for office.
My first reaction - leave her family out of it. Honestly, unless she feels politics are interfering with her family (or vice versa), then it shouldn't be an issue - we shouldn't even know about it unless she's the one who tells us.
Then I got thinking. She (and McCain) have built her up as such a family woman. A hockey mom etc. It's obvious her family is important to her, and they're trying to use that as a selling point to get more votes.
So now, what becomes worse - using your family as a bargaining chip (and thus leaving them (justifiably) open to exposure, or trying to find dirt on your competitor?
Either way, Obama gets points for considering the whole thing off limits. I wonder if McCain/Palin thought about that.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
22 Months
I'm trying not to think how close Hana is to two years old. Time is flying by and it seems like I can't catch my breath. It's just so hard to believe that my babygirl is almost two!
She has been doing really great these last few weeks. She's learning (through plenty of reminders) that she doesn't get what she wants through screaming and crying. The biggest issue right now is that her vocabulary never matches her desire to communicate - she knows so many words, but still has trouble. Yesterday while nursing Eli I sat in the rocking chair for a minute to answer the phone, and when I got up Hana had a bit of a meltdown. She calmed down and said "Sit, chair" and was very adamant about it. We're trying to help her understand she can't tell people what to do, so I said no. A huge tantrum followed, and I couldn't figure out why. Eventually she ended up upstairs to calm down. When she came back down, she went over to the chair with her soother and blankie and said "Chair, snuggle, pleeeese" with the most sincere look on her face, and it finally clicked - I had been rocking Eli in the chair and she felt left out, she wanted some snuggle time too, but couldn't find a way to get me to understand that, especially because she was upset. It was a reminder to me that tantrums happen for a reason, she's really not just trying to drive me nuts.
In her quest to communicate, she's also become very observant - picking up new words and gestures from us. One thing we often do is say "OH!" when we figure out what it is she's trying to say. So now, in what I think is an attempt to get us to understand faster, she asks for something, repeats the word and then says "oh!" nods, and repeats it again. It's cute.
She's really loving colouring right now, and looking through books on her own. The other day I sat nursing Eli with Hana sitting at my feet looking through a book and singing to herself, it was so perfect.
She's so gentle and loving with her brother - she plays with him, gives him kisses, and loves it when he looks at her or does anything(so long as he doesn't touch her, her clothing, or my hair).
This is such a fun age - she's so full of energy and curiosity I find myself looking for ways to keep up with her and fill her mind. We're having so much fun learning together.
She has been doing really great these last few weeks. She's learning (through plenty of reminders) that she doesn't get what she wants through screaming and crying. The biggest issue right now is that her vocabulary never matches her desire to communicate - she knows so many words, but still has trouble. Yesterday while nursing Eli I sat in the rocking chair for a minute to answer the phone, and when I got up Hana had a bit of a meltdown. She calmed down and said "Sit, chair" and was very adamant about it. We're trying to help her understand she can't tell people what to do, so I said no. A huge tantrum followed, and I couldn't figure out why. Eventually she ended up upstairs to calm down. When she came back down, she went over to the chair with her soother and blankie and said "Chair, snuggle, pleeeese" with the most sincere look on her face, and it finally clicked - I had been rocking Eli in the chair and she felt left out, she wanted some snuggle time too, but couldn't find a way to get me to understand that, especially because she was upset. It was a reminder to me that tantrums happen for a reason, she's really not just trying to drive me nuts.
In her quest to communicate, she's also become very observant - picking up new words and gestures from us. One thing we often do is say "OH!" when we figure out what it is she's trying to say. So now, in what I think is an attempt to get us to understand faster, she asks for something, repeats the word and then says "oh!" nods, and repeats it again. It's cute.
She's really loving colouring right now, and looking through books on her own. The other day I sat nursing Eli with Hana sitting at my feet looking through a book and singing to herself, it was so perfect.
She's so gentle and loving with her brother - she plays with him, gives him kisses, and loves it when he looks at her or does anything(so long as he doesn't touch her, her clothing, or my hair).
This is such a fun age - she's so full of energy and curiosity I find myself looking for ways to keep up with her and fill her mind. We're having so much fun learning together.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Disclaimer
The oppinions expressed on this blog are soley those of of the author - there is no expectation that these oppinions be held by the general public (altho at times that would be really nice). Also, the expression of these oppinions is not in any way judgement towards those who feel, think, or act differently, altho there may be some confusion on the part of the author as to why that is so.
Understood?
Basically, I'm not mad at you for disagreeing with me, so it would be nice if you didn't get mad at me for disagreeing with you. Sure, I might question things you do, might even wonder at the thought process behind it or not understand it, but not constrew that as passing judgement. Everyone makes their own decisions for their own reasons and I am not delusional enough to think that I have any control over anyone else.
So if you, for example, enjoy eating ants and I happen to write about how I find ants themselves rather icky and list illnesses that are attibuted to the practice, that doesn't mean I think YOU are icky or that I expect you to agree with me and stop. The information here is just that - information. In fact, if there were great benefits to eating ants I'd appriciate if you shared them - information works both ways. If I were wrong about my thoughts on ant-eating I'd appriciate being corrected so that I could change my oppinion on the subject. No one likes being wrong, and I'm not so stubborn that I can't admit when I am and quickly change my positon before anyone notices.
So long as things are said in a respectful manner without personal attacks (an idea can be crazy but the person who holds that idea doesn't have to be) then we can all learn from one another, even if it's just gaining perspective on the opposing side that leaves us firmer in our own. Yes, I express my oppinions strongly and I will back them up, but I expect you think my ideas are as wrong as I think yours are, so you can be just as strong as I am. And we can still be friends (or become friends as the case may be).
If comments do become personal or fall into the "flame" category, they will be deleated and you can feel free to either email me (perryDOTstephanieATgmailDOTcom) or try again with wording that more clearly reflects your oppinion instead of your emotions.
Thanks for understanding.
Understood?
Basically, I'm not mad at you for disagreeing with me, so it would be nice if you didn't get mad at me for disagreeing with you. Sure, I might question things you do, might even wonder at the thought process behind it or not understand it, but not constrew that as passing judgement. Everyone makes their own decisions for their own reasons and I am not delusional enough to think that I have any control over anyone else.
So if you, for example, enjoy eating ants and I happen to write about how I find ants themselves rather icky and list illnesses that are attibuted to the practice, that doesn't mean I think YOU are icky or that I expect you to agree with me and stop. The information here is just that - information. In fact, if there were great benefits to eating ants I'd appriciate if you shared them - information works both ways. If I were wrong about my thoughts on ant-eating I'd appriciate being corrected so that I could change my oppinion on the subject. No one likes being wrong, and I'm not so stubborn that I can't admit when I am and quickly change my positon before anyone notices.
So long as things are said in a respectful manner without personal attacks (an idea can be crazy but the person who holds that idea doesn't have to be) then we can all learn from one another, even if it's just gaining perspective on the opposing side that leaves us firmer in our own. Yes, I express my oppinions strongly and I will back them up, but I expect you think my ideas are as wrong as I think yours are, so you can be just as strong as I am. And we can still be friends (or become friends as the case may be).
If comments do become personal or fall into the "flame" category, they will be deleated and you can feel free to either email me (perryDOTstephanieATgmailDOTcom) or try again with wording that more clearly reflects your oppinion instead of your emotions.
Thanks for understanding.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Eli - One month
Time has been flying by. I can't believe he's been here for a month already.
He's absolutely precious. It's so different this time around without all the stress and issues that sorrounded Hana's birth. In a way it makes me grieve over what I missed with her, but at the same time I'm thankful for that experience because it's made me really appriciate things this time.
Nursing is going great. He was dehydrated and not latching well at 4 days old, but a trip to a wonderful LC (after a compelte emotional breakdown on my part) and the use of a nipple shield has solved the problem completely.
His eyes are still dark (I think they'll be hazel like Ben's), his hair feels like silk, he smiles when I talk to him and when Hana kisses him, and he loves being in carriers. In short, he's perfect.
He's absolutely precious. It's so different this time around without all the stress and issues that sorrounded Hana's birth. In a way it makes me grieve over what I missed with her, but at the same time I'm thankful for that experience because it's made me really appriciate things this time.
Nursing is going great. He was dehydrated and not latching well at 4 days old, but a trip to a wonderful LC (after a compelte emotional breakdown on my part) and the use of a nipple shield has solved the problem completely.
His eyes are still dark (I think they'll be hazel like Ben's), his hair feels like silk, he smiles when I talk to him and when Hana kisses him, and he loves being in carriers. In short, he's perfect.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
We're renovating
No, we're not doing anything exciting to the house (aside from the bathroom blowing up we haven't had the chance to do anything yet). I'm using we in the royal sense and referring to the blog.
For a while I've been half wishing this were an anonymous blog and that I didn't really know most of the readers (altho the amount of readers seems to be in question lately - where did everybody go?). then I realize that any other time I've had that feeling and ignored it, people have appreciated my openness and transparency.
So I say screw it (not out loud tho - Hana would very quickly add it to her vocabulary). I'm going to start posting more (hopefully - typing while nursing is an art I haven't quite mastered yet).
Change does take time however, and that seems to be something I don't have an abundance of. I'm working on it.
For a while I've been half wishing this were an anonymous blog and that I didn't really know most of the readers (altho the amount of readers seems to be in question lately - where did everybody go?). then I realize that any other time I've had that feeling and ignored it, people have appreciated my openness and transparency.
So I say screw it (not out loud tho - Hana would very quickly add it to her vocabulary). I'm going to start posting more (hopefully - typing while nursing is an art I haven't quite mastered yet).
Change does take time however, and that seems to be something I don't have an abundance of. I'm working on it.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Mother of Two
Things are starting to settle into a rythm now. Hana had a bit of a rough transition, but we figured out most of that was because she's working on her second set of molars - not such a fun process, but at least there's a reason for her screaming (I was worried she just hated me, so it's good to know that's not the case).
She loves Eli to pieces. She wants to hold him, and rubs his head, puts stickers on his clothes and gets all excited when he wakes up. There are moments of jelousy, especially around sleep times, but in all she's handling everything really well. I'm very proud of her.
Eli is doing great - he's already outgrown some clothes! He spends most of his day either nursing or sleeping, with some great arm and leg flailing thrown in between.
And now Hana's up, so the rest of this will have to wait until later.
She loves Eli to pieces. She wants to hold him, and rubs his head, puts stickers on his clothes and gets all excited when he wakes up. There are moments of jelousy, especially around sleep times, but in all she's handling everything really well. I'm very proud of her.
Eli is doing great - he's already outgrown some clothes! He spends most of his day either nursing or sleeping, with some great arm and leg flailing thrown in between.
And now Hana's up, so the rest of this will have to wait until later.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Monday, August 04, 2008
21 months
Hana is 21 months old. I can't believe how much she has grown lately, especially during the two weeks she was with her grandparents. I look at pictures of her from a year ago and I'm just amazed - she's almost not a baby any more. Every day she looks more grown up.
She's learning so much. She can count to 5, knows some letters and colours, and knows our daily routine. She is always so excited about life, every experience is just an amazing thing to her. When she laughs, she laughs with her whole body, heart and soul.
This transition has been a little rough on her, as we expected. She loves her little brother - she points out his eyes and nose and mouth and hair, she gets excited when he's awake, she calls him "'Li"- it's adorable. I can't wait to see all the wonderful things she teaches him.
She is the child who made me a mother, and her personality, her uniqueness and gifts have made me the mother that I am, and I am so greatful to her.
She's learning so much. She can count to 5, knows some letters and colours, and knows our daily routine. She is always so excited about life, every experience is just an amazing thing to her. When she laughs, she laughs with her whole body, heart and soul.
This transition has been a little rough on her, as we expected. She loves her little brother - she points out his eyes and nose and mouth and hair, she gets excited when he's awake, she calls him "'Li"- it's adorable. I can't wait to see all the wonderful things she teaches him.
She is the child who made me a mother, and her personality, her uniqueness and gifts have made me the mother that I am, and I am so greatful to her.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
a vbac story
Prodromal labour started at 37ish wks. I was 2cm dialated and everyone (Dr, doula, family, myself) figured baby would come pretty darn quick. It didn't. July 11th we sent Hana to her grandparents and Ben started his parental leave - again thinking things would start soon. We figured this would be the best way for me to be able to relax and prepare myself for labour. I also wanted to labour at home as long as possible, so having Hana underfoot would have been difficult.
And so things remained until my 40wk appointment. At this point I was getting regular strong ctx every night from about 11-2, and also through the day depending on my activity. I was missing Hana like crazy, but it didn't make sense to bring her home as MIL and FIL live 3 hours away, and labour could still start at any time. It was getting frustrating. To top it off, at that appointment the Dr (one in the group I hadn't seen yet) informed me my cervix was still very long. She wanted to induce me that Friday (25th), but said instead I could just go for a NST and u/s and talk with the gyno and go from there.
So thats what we did. I wasn't happy with the thought of induction for a VBAC, but at least they hadn't scheduled me for a section. I spent the days between appointments doing all I could to encourage labour to start.
Friday morning before my appointment I was woken up at 6 by the ctx. These were really strong and unprovoked - that was a really good sign. I put off calling the hospital until the afternoon, just to give as much time as I could for things to pick up on their own.
At 10 the hospital called me and asked I come in at 1:30. We called our doula and let her know - she decided to come with us, just incase they decided to induce. The appointment went really well - the gyno said baby had lots of fluid, the placenta was still working (tho had started to calcify) and that she'd rather have me go on my own than induce me. Still, an induction was scheduled for Monday, just in case. She said I was nice and soft and less than 50% length, so she stripped me and said she hoped I went on my own over the weekend.
After that, I came home and slept, then went for a walk. In the early evening things started picking up again, and at one point (don't remember the time) we decided to call the doula again. I was having trouble focussing through the ctx on my own and thought I could use the help. Around 3 (I think) things started slowing down again and we all slept. By 8 they were back to the ctx I had been having for weeks and we were all tired and exhausted. The doula went home, Ben and I went back to bed.
We woke up at 12, and as soon as I sat up things were much different. Ctx were more intense (not really more pain at that point, just deeper) and coming ever 7 minutes. I laboured on my own between the birth ball, the bed and the shower until 6 - ctx were 5 minutes appart by then so we called the doula back. After she arrived we walked, focussed, massaged and walked more until the ctx were 2 minutes appart - showtime!
We got to the hossy (less than 5 minutes away). I had a ctx in the car when we arrived. I had another in the parking lot and another inside the door of emerg (it was past 8 so thats how we had to go in). Another on the way to the birthing unit and one more when I got settled in the labour room - it was roughly 9 pm. The nurse checked me and I was a "streachy" 3. I had so been looking forward to the whirlpool tub, but had to wait until I was at least 4.
So we walked. And showered. And went on the birth ball. And walked. They checked me at 11 - no change. More walking, more birth ball, meditation, massage. My hips and back had been killing me for weeks (sciatia and an old muscle injury), and each ctx made the pain in those areas more annoying. Pressure on my back and hips during the ctxs helped, but I was really looking forward to that tub. Ctx had slowed to almost 3 minutes, which didn't surprise us. I had to get a hep-lock (hossy policy to have a line available for a VBAC) and two blood draws, and I'm really nervous about needles. Still, we figured slow progress was still progress, so we had the nurse check me again at 1.
And there was no change. I was slightly more effaced, but I honestly think she just said that because I looked like I was going to cry. She suggested we all try to get some sleep.
Yeah, sleep. With ctx coming every 3 minutes. So we tried. Ben and our doula got a bit (they brought in a cot for Ben and there was a reclining chair in the room, it was nice), but I was having issues. Just when I thought I might drift off I had another ctx and felt something move in an odd way. A few minutes later I really had to pee. As I stood up, the room flooded.
Ok, not really flooded, but it was certainly more water than I had expected. After I felt that ctx before I waited for water, but none came, so the realization that yes, my water HAD broken kind of surprised me. So glad this didn't happen anywhere but at the hospital!
So from that point sleeping was out. We had the nurse check me, I was now 3 and a half. Well, at least there was progress. I laboured on the toilet for a while, then the tub, then the shower, then walking, then the ball. My doula kept commenting how great I was doing and how if I could see myself in a video later I'd think it was so beautiful. I told her I didn't think it was very beautiful. The ctx were coming HARD and at this point seemed like there was barely a minute between them. I was having a very hard time staying on top of them and nothing seemed to work.
At 7 I asked for gas and air. I needed something to take the edge off and nothing was working. The gas was nice, helped me relax through the ctx instead of fighting them. I really thought I was making progress. At 9 I was checked - no change. 12 hours of intense labour and I had gone about half a cm. I was not ok with that. There was no way I could keep going at that pace - first of all it was a VBAC and they wouldn't let me. Secondly, my water had broken so I was on the clock (18 hours and baby needs a NICU stay, 24 hours and it's a c/s). Thirdly, I couldn't handle it emotionally.
After the prodromal labour, the lack of progress and how badly I felt I was dealing with the pain, I felt my body was going to fail me and I would end up with another c/s. I was given two options - pit and an epi, or a c/s.
I took the first option - I was wanting a drug free birth, but more than that I was wanting to avoid a c/s (unless medically necessary, of course), so I chose the epi. Ben and the doula were a little surprised and tried to encourage me to keep going, but I knew that just wasn't going to work. 6 hours with no change, even with the gas and working hard to accapt the pain didn't give me much hope against the clock. I have no regrets about my decision.
It took almost two hours to get the epi. There was a miscommunication between the anestatist and the Dr (wonder what would have happened had I needed an emergency c/s....). In the mean time, I kept on labouring, sometimes with the air, sometimes not. Right before they gave me the epi they checked again - 4 plus! We all found it kind of ironic (and sad in a funny way), but I didn't care, I was so looking forward to some relief!
Remember my fear of needles? Yeah, that includes tubes being inserted in my spine. I didn't cry tho, I was just too excited to get a break from the constant pain. It took no time at all to get it in, and it took effect just as another ctx was coming. Bliss.
It was odd being able to move my legs but not having any real control over how far I moved them - different from the spinal for my c/s where I couldn't move at all. I profusely thanked the epidural man - he was my new best friend. Then they got the synthetic oxytocen going along with an IV line. At this point I was happy to have the hep-lock already in, it just made it one step faster and I didn't have to think about it.
Because of my previous c-section I had to be constantly monitoured, so I had a nurse in the room the whole time and was hooked up to the machine. Didn't really bother me at all seeing as I couldn't move anyway. The only problem was the contractions weren't registering on the monitor very well - I could feel them happening (the pressure) but they just weren't showing up right. No big deal tho - I could still feel enough to know if something went wrong and the nurse was there to watch for signs of rupture or if my uterus couldn't handle the drug.
Once that was all done, I fell asleep. Sleep was good. I'd half wake up every now and then and adjust, but mostly it was just sleep for two and a half hours. When I woke up, I was shivering and felt very nauseous. They figured the nausea was because of the drugs, but couldn't figure out why I was so cold. I got a couple warm blankets, they checked my temp, everything seemed normal. Out of curiosity I mentioned transition (remember I wasn't even 5 cm (after being there for 14 hours!) 3 hours earlier), and the nurse said she'd check me.
So she checks me, and gets this odd look on her face, and I'm thinking "great, still no change, how long will they let me go like this?" and she gets a big smile and says "you're 10cm, you can push with the next contraction".
At first I didn't believe her. There was just no way I could be ready to push already, pushing was still far away as far as I was concerned. I asked her if she was sure, I was excited and a little scared. This was at 2 pm. She started taking the bed apart, let the Dr. know I was ready and at 2:30 I started pushing.
That part was odd. I couldn't feel it at all. My left leg/abdomen was completely numb, my right side had a bit of sensation around my hip and inner pelvis, but that was it. So I did what I thought was a push and everyone said "Great job" so I figured I got it right and kept on going.
The spot on the inner pelvis that still had feeling hurt a lot while I was pushing (found out later there was a loop of cord beside Eli's face on that side, so I'm guessing that's what was causing the problem), as was my hip, but otherwise there was no pain at all. It was a very slow descent - he'd come forward, slide back, over and over again. Ben did so great here - he'd hold my leg while I pushed, feed me ice in between and let me know baby was still coming. I kept asking if there was progress and if baby was tolerating it alright - I wanted to go nice and slow, but knew a lack of progress would be a bad thing. It was so exciting every time he came forward just a bit, and when his head finally didn't slip back there were cheers.
During the pushing there were a couple of bleeds - vaginal tears, nothing serious, but the Dr. still had to check them out. He was wonderful - very patient, laid back, never made me worried about rupture or anything else. Once he was sure the bleed wasn't serious he'd step back and let the nurse take over again. I was really glad of that - so long as he wasn't worried no one else needed to be.
Once we got to the point where he was below my pubic bone I had already been pushing for two hours. They started pushing me to pick up the pace a bit and get him out. I pushed as hard as I could (at least I think that's what I did, I still couldn't feel anything) and then all of a sudden there were more people in the room, there was a warm towel on my chest and the Drs (there was a resident there as well) were getting ready. I was in shock, it seemed so surreal. Then someone said he was crowning, and someone else said there's an ear, and I felt him turn inside me and then slide out.
And I cried and there was this little perfect person on my chest. And he was whimpering and coughing and breathing and turning pink. He didn't cry right away (but was breathing, so not a problem) and I just couldn't believe it. And then I lifted his leg and saw it was a boy and started crying. It was the most beautiful moment. I didn't care that I was naked and splayed, that there were tons of people in the room, it was just me and this perfect little person I had just brought into the world.
Ben cut the cord and after 10 minutes or so they wiped him down and measured him. While I was getting stitched up (which btw seemed to take FOREVER!) he nursed for the first time. They were a little concerned about my bleeding and so had to massage my uterus for a while and start another drip to keep me contracting, but it wasn't too horrible.
I had a second degree tear and a few minor tears that didn't need stitches. Eli had a little trouble regulating his body heat for the first day, but lots of skin to skin time helped with that - he didn't need to spend any time away from me at all. We were discharged on Tuesday and have been doing great since. There was a little trouble with nursing, but a trip to a wonderful LC helped with that and now things are just perfect.
And so things remained until my 40wk appointment. At this point I was getting regular strong ctx every night from about 11-2, and also through the day depending on my activity. I was missing Hana like crazy, but it didn't make sense to bring her home as MIL and FIL live 3 hours away, and labour could still start at any time. It was getting frustrating. To top it off, at that appointment the Dr (one in the group I hadn't seen yet) informed me my cervix was still very long. She wanted to induce me that Friday (25th), but said instead I could just go for a NST and u/s and talk with the gyno and go from there.
So thats what we did. I wasn't happy with the thought of induction for a VBAC, but at least they hadn't scheduled me for a section. I spent the days between appointments doing all I could to encourage labour to start.
Friday morning before my appointment I was woken up at 6 by the ctx. These were really strong and unprovoked - that was a really good sign. I put off calling the hospital until the afternoon, just to give as much time as I could for things to pick up on their own.
At 10 the hospital called me and asked I come in at 1:30. We called our doula and let her know - she decided to come with us, just incase they decided to induce. The appointment went really well - the gyno said baby had lots of fluid, the placenta was still working (tho had started to calcify) and that she'd rather have me go on my own than induce me. Still, an induction was scheduled for Monday, just in case. She said I was nice and soft and less than 50% length, so she stripped me and said she hoped I went on my own over the weekend.
After that, I came home and slept, then went for a walk. In the early evening things started picking up again, and at one point (don't remember the time) we decided to call the doula again. I was having trouble focussing through the ctx on my own and thought I could use the help. Around 3 (I think) things started slowing down again and we all slept. By 8 they were back to the ctx I had been having for weeks and we were all tired and exhausted. The doula went home, Ben and I went back to bed.
We woke up at 12, and as soon as I sat up things were much different. Ctx were more intense (not really more pain at that point, just deeper) and coming ever 7 minutes. I laboured on my own between the birth ball, the bed and the shower until 6 - ctx were 5 minutes appart by then so we called the doula back. After she arrived we walked, focussed, massaged and walked more until the ctx were 2 minutes appart - showtime!
We got to the hossy (less than 5 minutes away). I had a ctx in the car when we arrived. I had another in the parking lot and another inside the door of emerg (it was past 8 so thats how we had to go in). Another on the way to the birthing unit and one more when I got settled in the labour room - it was roughly 9 pm. The nurse checked me and I was a "streachy" 3. I had so been looking forward to the whirlpool tub, but had to wait until I was at least 4.
So we walked. And showered. And went on the birth ball. And walked. They checked me at 11 - no change. More walking, more birth ball, meditation, massage. My hips and back had been killing me for weeks (sciatia and an old muscle injury), and each ctx made the pain in those areas more annoying. Pressure on my back and hips during the ctxs helped, but I was really looking forward to that tub. Ctx had slowed to almost 3 minutes, which didn't surprise us. I had to get a hep-lock (hossy policy to have a line available for a VBAC) and two blood draws, and I'm really nervous about needles. Still, we figured slow progress was still progress, so we had the nurse check me again at 1.
And there was no change. I was slightly more effaced, but I honestly think she just said that because I looked like I was going to cry. She suggested we all try to get some sleep.
Yeah, sleep. With ctx coming every 3 minutes. So we tried. Ben and our doula got a bit (they brought in a cot for Ben and there was a reclining chair in the room, it was nice), but I was having issues. Just when I thought I might drift off I had another ctx and felt something move in an odd way. A few minutes later I really had to pee. As I stood up, the room flooded.
Ok, not really flooded, but it was certainly more water than I had expected. After I felt that ctx before I waited for water, but none came, so the realization that yes, my water HAD broken kind of surprised me. So glad this didn't happen anywhere but at the hospital!
So from that point sleeping was out. We had the nurse check me, I was now 3 and a half. Well, at least there was progress. I laboured on the toilet for a while, then the tub, then the shower, then walking, then the ball. My doula kept commenting how great I was doing and how if I could see myself in a video later I'd think it was so beautiful. I told her I didn't think it was very beautiful. The ctx were coming HARD and at this point seemed like there was barely a minute between them. I was having a very hard time staying on top of them and nothing seemed to work.
At 7 I asked for gas and air. I needed something to take the edge off and nothing was working. The gas was nice, helped me relax through the ctx instead of fighting them. I really thought I was making progress. At 9 I was checked - no change. 12 hours of intense labour and I had gone about half a cm. I was not ok with that. There was no way I could keep going at that pace - first of all it was a VBAC and they wouldn't let me. Secondly, my water had broken so I was on the clock (18 hours and baby needs a NICU stay, 24 hours and it's a c/s). Thirdly, I couldn't handle it emotionally.
After the prodromal labour, the lack of progress and how badly I felt I was dealing with the pain, I felt my body was going to fail me and I would end up with another c/s. I was given two options - pit and an epi, or a c/s.
I took the first option - I was wanting a drug free birth, but more than that I was wanting to avoid a c/s (unless medically necessary, of course), so I chose the epi. Ben and the doula were a little surprised and tried to encourage me to keep going, but I knew that just wasn't going to work. 6 hours with no change, even with the gas and working hard to accapt the pain didn't give me much hope against the clock. I have no regrets about my decision.
It took almost two hours to get the epi. There was a miscommunication between the anestatist and the Dr (wonder what would have happened had I needed an emergency c/s....). In the mean time, I kept on labouring, sometimes with the air, sometimes not. Right before they gave me the epi they checked again - 4 plus! We all found it kind of ironic (and sad in a funny way), but I didn't care, I was so looking forward to some relief!
Remember my fear of needles? Yeah, that includes tubes being inserted in my spine. I didn't cry tho, I was just too excited to get a break from the constant pain. It took no time at all to get it in, and it took effect just as another ctx was coming. Bliss.
It was odd being able to move my legs but not having any real control over how far I moved them - different from the spinal for my c/s where I couldn't move at all. I profusely thanked the epidural man - he was my new best friend. Then they got the synthetic oxytocen going along with an IV line. At this point I was happy to have the hep-lock already in, it just made it one step faster and I didn't have to think about it.
Because of my previous c-section I had to be constantly monitoured, so I had a nurse in the room the whole time and was hooked up to the machine. Didn't really bother me at all seeing as I couldn't move anyway. The only problem was the contractions weren't registering on the monitor very well - I could feel them happening (the pressure) but they just weren't showing up right. No big deal tho - I could still feel enough to know if something went wrong and the nurse was there to watch for signs of rupture or if my uterus couldn't handle the drug.
Once that was all done, I fell asleep. Sleep was good. I'd half wake up every now and then and adjust, but mostly it was just sleep for two and a half hours. When I woke up, I was shivering and felt very nauseous. They figured the nausea was because of the drugs, but couldn't figure out why I was so cold. I got a couple warm blankets, they checked my temp, everything seemed normal. Out of curiosity I mentioned transition (remember I wasn't even 5 cm (after being there for 14 hours!) 3 hours earlier), and the nurse said she'd check me.
So she checks me, and gets this odd look on her face, and I'm thinking "great, still no change, how long will they let me go like this?" and she gets a big smile and says "you're 10cm, you can push with the next contraction".
At first I didn't believe her. There was just no way I could be ready to push already, pushing was still far away as far as I was concerned. I asked her if she was sure, I was excited and a little scared. This was at 2 pm. She started taking the bed apart, let the Dr. know I was ready and at 2:30 I started pushing.
That part was odd. I couldn't feel it at all. My left leg/abdomen was completely numb, my right side had a bit of sensation around my hip and inner pelvis, but that was it. So I did what I thought was a push and everyone said "Great job" so I figured I got it right and kept on going.
The spot on the inner pelvis that still had feeling hurt a lot while I was pushing (found out later there was a loop of cord beside Eli's face on that side, so I'm guessing that's what was causing the problem), as was my hip, but otherwise there was no pain at all. It was a very slow descent - he'd come forward, slide back, over and over again. Ben did so great here - he'd hold my leg while I pushed, feed me ice in between and let me know baby was still coming. I kept asking if there was progress and if baby was tolerating it alright - I wanted to go nice and slow, but knew a lack of progress would be a bad thing. It was so exciting every time he came forward just a bit, and when his head finally didn't slip back there were cheers.
During the pushing there were a couple of bleeds - vaginal tears, nothing serious, but the Dr. still had to check them out. He was wonderful - very patient, laid back, never made me worried about rupture or anything else. Once he was sure the bleed wasn't serious he'd step back and let the nurse take over again. I was really glad of that - so long as he wasn't worried no one else needed to be.
Once we got to the point where he was below my pubic bone I had already been pushing for two hours. They started pushing me to pick up the pace a bit and get him out. I pushed as hard as I could (at least I think that's what I did, I still couldn't feel anything) and then all of a sudden there were more people in the room, there was a warm towel on my chest and the Drs (there was a resident there as well) were getting ready. I was in shock, it seemed so surreal. Then someone said he was crowning, and someone else said there's an ear, and I felt him turn inside me and then slide out.
And I cried and there was this little perfect person on my chest. And he was whimpering and coughing and breathing and turning pink. He didn't cry right away (but was breathing, so not a problem) and I just couldn't believe it. And then I lifted his leg and saw it was a boy and started crying. It was the most beautiful moment. I didn't care that I was naked and splayed, that there were tons of people in the room, it was just me and this perfect little person I had just brought into the world.
Ben cut the cord and after 10 minutes or so they wiped him down and measured him. While I was getting stitched up (which btw seemed to take FOREVER!) he nursed for the first time. They were a little concerned about my bleeding and so had to massage my uterus for a while and start another drip to keep me contracting, but it wasn't too horrible.
I had a second degree tear and a few minor tears that didn't need stitches. Eli had a little trouble regulating his body heat for the first day, but lots of skin to skin time helped with that - he didn't need to spend any time away from me at all. We were discharged on Tuesday and have been doing great since. There was a little trouble with nursing, but a trip to a wonderful LC helped with that and now things are just perfect.
Friday, August 01, 2008
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