Photo Blog Updated

Photo blog updated! Might even be a couple belly pics on there if you look real close....

Stresses

Usually, I'm pretty good at handling stress. I get stressed out, I force myself to objectivly look at the situation and find a solution. I solve the problem, and then I indulge in whatever I feel is necesary to make me feel better.

For example, I had my gestational diabeties test this week. The test involves drinking something similar to orange pop, waiting an hour, and then having blood drawn. It's a routien thing and not a bit deal at all. Except for the blood drawn part...at least for me.

I fear needles

Fear isn't really strong enough of a word, but it will do. Now, I realize my reaction to needles is all in my head. In fact, with my history it's amazing that anything like that bothers me at all. I self injured for years, I've twoce stepped on knitting needles and had them go into my foot (one went in about 3 inches). I sew, so I've had innumerable pokes from pins and needles pretty much everywhere. And none of that bothered me.

So, on Wednesday I'm stressing about the GD test, but I'm realing with it. I planed my day to include the test (knowing when it was coming game me a time frame I was allowed to be stressed in, instead of being stressed all day). I had the test (and btw, did really well, didn't cry or pass out or hyperventalate like i usually do), and then took myself out to dinner because I deserved it.

All that to say this, usually, under normal circumstances, I can handle stress in a pretty productive way.

Pregnancy makes me not normal.

My title at the church is "Community Director" - I'm responsible for creating comunity within the church through events, activities and general just getting to know people. On good days I love my job. I'm a people person and I see a great value in people coming together, especailly people from different backgrounds ets. Since I've been pregnant it's been harder for me to do my job well, it takes a suprising ammount of energy to plan an event, especially for someone who is not a natural planner or detail oriented.

Add to that the fact that people in Calgary are busy and I turn itno a mess. After putting all of my energy (however little it was at the time) into an event and having few people come, I was almost ready to throw in the towel. Not only was it frustrating, but, being pregnant, I somtimes tended to personalize it (ok, so I thought no one came because they all hated me.....I smartened up eventually).

The last few events havn't been so much fun. Infact, they've been really stressful, and for some reason I can't just get objective and deal with it and move on. It's been really hard on me (and my wonderful husband) to deal with these things.

Fortunately, the people around me and the people I'm on staff with are amazing. I think instead of learning how to just deal with things, I need to learn to ask for help and let other people know how I'm doing more.

As it is right now, there's an event tomarrow, and for now, I'm ok with that.

14 weeks

I am (according to my ultrasound measurements) around 26 weeks pregnant. I know my ticker says 27, thats because I got it before my first scan.

Being 26 weeks pregnant means that there are only 14 weeks until the end of my pregnancy. Ok, really there are somewhere between 10 and 16 weeks left, but 14 weeks will put me at the 40 week mark, when my baby will be *done*.

I really don't know how I feel about this. I'm super excited of course, but then there's the realization that in just 3 short months (super short if they're anything like the last three months) I will have a life in my hands.

Someone asked me today if I'm nervous about being a parent. Besides the possibility of completely messing up the life of an innocent human being, I'm completely thrilled about it. I've always wanted to be a parent. I've always wanted to be able to raise a child, to pass on what I've learned, to teach them and guide them and watch them grow in all ways.

In the meantime, my precious little girl has been moving around so much I think she's trying to break out of my belly. I feel like that guy from the alien movie.

And I know, I know, no belly pic yet. It's coming, I promise. My mother's been bugging me for one too, so when she gets hers I'll post it here too.

I love my belly!

While at work tonight two people asked me when I was due (both of whom were shocked to find out I was only 5 and a half months and only carying one baby)

That was the first time it's happened to me, and I love it. Complete strangers are aware of the miracle, the life that is forming inside me. It's so wonderful I can't even understand it.

I've always wanted to be a mother. I used to joke about wanting huge ammounts of kids. To have my little girl inside me, to feel her moving and kicking, to see my growing belly and knowing it means she is growing.

so wonderful

Travelogue

I disapeared for a week.

Ok, not really, as much as I want to some times I still havn't really learned how to disappear.

I went back to NB for a week to visit my family and it was wonderful. I got to see almost everyone, which ment quite a bit of running around, but I aso got to sleep a lot, so it was ok.

In baby news, things are going well, but she seems to have put my back and hips out of alignment. In the words of my mother, i'm crooked.

I'll have pics up later, need to download them first

The deep deep love of God

The Bible is a love story. It's the typical love story really - boy creates girl, has mad passionate love for her, girl gets distracted and runs after others, this happens for centuries until the relationship is corrupted and broken, respebling nothing of what it was originally meant to be, so boy dies for girl so they can (eventually) live happily ever after.

The love of God amazes me. I just finished reading the book of Hosea (one of my favorites) and it captures this dynamic so well. As I was eading I started to cry as God spoke to me of His broken heart towards His people - the ones He has created and called and redeemed, but who still turn away. God hates divorce, but has permitted it as a last resort in cases of unfaithfulness. By His own word to Us He is free to abandon us to our pain and suffering and misery as we continue to seek after other things instead of Him. The more we reject Him and lavish our lives and our love on others the more He is justified in leaving us to the eternal consequences of our actions.

but He doesn't.

Stop reading. Go back up a few lines, think about that.

The deep love of God is to pursue us, to romance us, to awake a desire within us for Him that reflects but could never match the desire that He has for us. Even while we must face the consequences of our actions and our disobedience, He never leaves us but continually calles out for us to return to Him.

There is no lost cause in the eyes of God. Those people that we often write off as having gone too far,that feeling I'm sure most have experienced, wondering if they have crossed the line, if they can still be used by Him.


The love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star, and reaches to the lowest hell.
The guilty pair, bowed down with care. God gave his Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled, and pardoned from this sin.

O love of God how rich and pure! how measureless and strong!
It shall forever more endure. The saint's and angels song!

When years of time shall pass away, and earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men who here refuse to pray, On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God's love so sure shall still endure, All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam's race The saint's and angels song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill, And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill, And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole, Tho stretched from sky to sky.

O love of God how rich and pure! how measureless and strong!
It shall forever more endure. The saint's and angels song!

Thoughts on Love

Love is a much over used word. Over my life I have told many people I love them. For some close friends I can not imagine another way to express my appriciation and devotion to them. In my younger days, the phrase "I love you" would far too easily roll off my tongue.

I would have an experience with someone. They would be handsom, sweet, charming. I'd feel feminine, beautiful, sensual, and I would equate all of that with love. Eventually, the feelings would fade and I'd become withdrawn and unavailable. They would get frustrated with me and eventually end things. It was always for the best, few of them were worth my time and none were worth my heart.

My first year of Bethany, I decided to make some changes. No more flirting, no more teasing, no more giving away my heart. I made a vow not to date, to take time to know myself and those around me. This went so far that when a friend of mine tried to set me up with Ben I was dead set against it. Besides, he was not even close to my type. He was a nice guy, very sweet, a good friend, but that was all.

Over the months that Ben and I were friends, he began to woo me. I can't descibe it any other way. There was no flirting (at least not the kind I was used to), no games, no pressure. He cared for me, sought me, opened himself to me and drew me in to him. Over that year I fell in love with him, and by the time we started dating I already knew I could marry him.

There have been times in my life when I have encountered aspects of God. His power, might and creativity. I have felt alive in His presence, grown to know myself better, felt as though I could take on the world. When those feelings faded, I have become withdrawn and unavailable.

Lately, I have been drawn to the story of Hosea, of Gomer and God and the nation of Israel.

Hosea 2:14 speaks of wooing, of the lover drawing His love away from all others and "speaking kindly". I feel as though lately God has been wooing me, causing me to run away with Him, drawing me in, caring for me, opening Himself to me.

I am in awe of God, and I think now I am finally beginnig to truly fall in love with God

better late than never I guess....

I have a question...

for those of you who know how to do fancy things to your blog...i have two 26 second clips of my baby that I would like to put on my blog. They're both in avi format, but ben also has them in quicktime format. How do I make it work?

My Beautiful Baby Girl

it's a

GIRL!

pictues to follow

Provision

The way that God provides astounds me every time.

Dan and Joy almost had to leave for the States because Canada was being stupid and wouldn't let Dan have a job. After the last minute they were provided for.

Ben has gotten a new position at work, with better pay, making it more likly that I won't have to go back to work early after the baby is born.

The church is swamped because everyone is having to work bivocationally and administrative stuff takes a lot of time. There is someone interested in coming here and doing admin work.

When my heart is troubled I need to trust in God, my Jehovah Jireh, the Great Provider. All things on earth rest in His hands.

A thought on Freedom

I was talking to a friend the other day about spiritual bondage, and it got me thinking.

We are told that "If Christ has set you free, then you are free indeed." and yet very few Christians that I have met have not experiences some sort of spiritual bondage. The two don't seem to go together.

My thought is this - we are made free by Christ, but our bondage is really our inability to accapt that freedom. We are plagued by guilt, by feelings of inadequicy, by a sient hidden fear that God really doesn't love us and didn't forgive us.

I think of it this way. When we begin our lives we are chained to a wall far from God. The more "active" we are in our sinful lives the more chains bind us. When We accapt Christ, the chains are unlocked and we are free to move toward God.

Then, as we start moving forward, we are smetmes held back by those same chains. They arn't wrapped around us, bidning us anymore, but trailing behind us so that we are pretty much unaware until we reach their limit - like a dog who forgets they're tied in a yard.

Then there comes a choice - do we remove the chain that Christ has already unlocked, or, because that sounds just completely too simple, do we struggle against it, pulling and trying until it breaks.

Both methods may free us from the chain, but I think the struggle method ignores the freedom that Christhas given us.

For when we are set free, we are free indeed.

Now, I admit that there are some chains that we are unaware of, that we refuse to acknowledge or that we are stubborn and will not walk away from. Those ones are more difficult because each of those situations adds chains of their own.

As I have grown in Christ I have had to deal with my chains. One of the most difficult was my self injury and all the things associated with it. It took me a long time to be able to end that battle, and I couldn't understand why. Why would God forgive me and free me, and then leave me there to struggle.

I'm starting to understand now that the struggle was not me having to battle and break this bondage, but my needing to get over myself, my guilt and insecurities, and accapt the freedom that God has so graciously lavished on me. There were still struggles associated with it, still consequences that needed to be delt with, but that is made much easier when we have the assurance that the battle is over, that we are truly free.

There are so many people I know that live their lives in a struggle, in a constant never ending battle with their past, fighting to keep it away from who they are in Christ. That is not the life that God intends us to live.

If Christ has set you free, then you are free indeed.


we will walk in Your freedom, walk in Your liberty
We will dance in Your freedom, dance in Your liberty

I'm free
I'm free
I'm free
I'm free

Just a question....

you know those little "type theletters into the box" security things they have? Is there a reason why the letters are all skwed and odd looking? Or why on some sites you can't even realy tell what the letters are because they have little wooshes and such going through them? Wouldn't it be just as useful to have normally written letters? Is there a purpose for the skewing and the wooshes?

ok, so that was more than just a questions....but still...

unloading

A few months ago I became aware of a situation. Someone I know who is in ministry had...an issue...that could potentially caused a moral failure or have harmed their ministry. As a concerned friend I of course asked if others, especially those in a position over this person, were aware of the issue. I was assured that there was accountability in place and that things were going well.

The more I learned about this person's struggle with this issue I became concerned. It seemed as though instead of "fleeing" temptation it was being fed. I could see a possible progression in what was happening, or at least more honesty about how deep the issue was.

I hurt for my friend. I had conviction that this issue could be addressed and healed. I also had conviction that in the current situation, where the problem was being fed, it would be almost impossible for it to not become more of a struggle.

Anyone who knows me knows my stand on holding one another accountable. We are called to spur one another on. Instead of telling those who haven't made a choice to follow God how to live we should be holding each other to the standards that we have chosen to align ourselves with. In this situation I was torn on how to do that.

I went for help. I talked to my Sr. Pastor, he advised me to talk with my DS. Those were the most difficult conversations I had ever had. It was hard to share something I had said I would keep in confidence. It was hard to retain the anonymity of those involved, simply because I wanted to balance the picture by praising all their good works.

I was advised to talk to the individual's Sr. Pastor, without first telling the individual. That was a difficult thing to hear, it went against my gut, but at the same time felt right. The reasoning was that this person had daily opportunities to tell their Sr. Pastor about this issue, by seeking accountability they obviously were aware that it was a problem. They chose to keep it hidden, and all hidden things must come to light.

It took a lot of prayer and fasting, pleading with God for a simpler solution. Hoping and praying that everything would resolve in healing and a healthy ministry.

That didn't happen. Because of our (Ben and myself) actions two people have (temporarily?) broken contact with us. It hurts. The way we were told the situation was handled hurts. The harm that was caused unnecessarily hurts.

So why am I putting all this up for anyone to read? Because I need to get it out. I feel as though I should feel ashamed, but I don't. I honestly think...know, that the right thing was done, even if it doesn't look like that now.

Part of me also hopes (prays) that those involved, perhaps even by accident, stumble on this. We have respected their wishes not to contact them, but it is hard.

We want to apologize...not for our actions, but because we were not able to be there to care for them and support them through this. We mourn the loss of them in our lives.

I write all this with a heavy heart. Since I was first told of the situation my heart has been broken, and because of the lack of reconciliation, I feel like I can't heal. I can't go to others for comfort because no one else needs to know, and any comfort they could offer wouldn't really fix the problem. I am broken over this.

I do wish things could have gone differently. I wish what all was back n place. Some days I wish I hadn't said anything. When I go to God I am comforted, when I listen to Him I know that what was done needed to be, and that He will work to bring healing to all involved.

My prayer is that those involved will be healed and strenthened. That their lives will be rich with blessings and growth in God. I want the relationships lost to be restored. I pray for healing for us all.

a lot of things

i feel frustrated nd hurt and confused, and yet more alive and passionate than i have felt for quite a while.

The past year has been a blurr. In the past year(ish) i have:
- lived alone in my first apartment
- graduated
- gotten married
- moved across the country
- started working at a church
- been bivocational
- learned how to drive a stick
- traveled to South Dakoda and Chicago
- quit 3 jobs
- gotten an appartment
- gotten pregnant

that's a lot to cram into a year. I think my brain sort of shut down for most of it, and now is starting to wake up. I almost feel like I've missed the last year

so part of me is grieving - grieving over wasted time, missed opportunities, forgotten moments and neglected relationships

and part of me is excited - i feel the joy over all of these events that I didn't really get to experience because of all the stress (good and bad) involved in each event

Then there are all the new/regular things I need to deal with. I've come to a few concusions lately - and I know there are things that need to change in my life, but due to some circumstances, I feel a little stuck.

The best thing of all is that my passion is returning - my desires, my drive, my heart for God and those around me. Instead of existing I want to live, want to make a difference, want to experience all that there is around me.

I love being pregnant right now. Every now and then I wonder if I can feel the life that is inside me moving around. Maybe it's wishful thinking...maybe not. Either way it's a wonderful thought. Everytime I see anything baby related I sort of tear up a little with anticipation. I heard the heartbeat yesterday and a lot of my fears and worries are melting away.

I love being married. We've been husband and wife for a year and I have grown more and more in love with Ben and more proud and apriciative of who he is.

THi has been a big year, and I have a feeling things won't slow down for a while. And I'm thrilled

Update

I know, I know, I hardly bog anymore, but it's not anything personal....I just hardly do anything anymore lol

Ben and I went for my first OB appointment today! It was really good - I liked the Dr. A lot. There are 6 docters in the office and one of them will do the delivery, so I'll have appointments with all of them. We heard the heart beat :) it was 144 bpm which is really good. It was wonderful. The only thing I didn't llike about the appointment was that they changed my due date from Nov. 4th to Nov. 11th baised on the ultrasound measurements. I'm not convinced. We'll wait and see what happens at the ultrasound net month.

Other than that things are going really well - I have more energy and am geeling really good most days. I'll be missing family campt this year (sorry Glo!) because the travel would be difficult - 14 + hours in a car while 5+ months pregnant just doesn't sound like a good time. I'll be home in New Brunswick the second wek of July (7th-15th) visiting.

and I'll try and update more often...i promise...

this is funny

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say hi to my baby!

go to sapfotoes.blogspot.com to see more

Ultrasound Jitters

My ultra sound is on Tuesday, and I'm so excited. I'm also really scared. I thought it would be just so reassuring to see the baby and know tht everything is alright, but what if we see that it isn't. What if there is an abnormality? What if it is measuring smaller than it's supposed to? What if there are three or four babies in there? I know there's no reason to be so nervous and I know the chances of everything being just great are high, but I still get nervous. Prayers over the next week will really be aprciated

Lately.....

- Things have been pretty stressful at work, getting used to a new manager and a bunch of changes has been frustrating on everyone. The good news is one of the people I work with is becomming a good friend.

- I've been feeling much better. I'm not so nausious anymore and I'm getting my apitite and energy back. I still need 10 hours of sleep a night and sometimes a nap in the evenings, but I don't feel like I'm going to fall asleep on my feet anymore.

- Joy (who will be poping out twins on June 7th or sooner) looked at me the other day and said in a very serious tone "I just have a feeling you're having twins"

- I have my first ultrasound next Tuesday, which will confirm that there is only one baby....i hope....lol

- Ben got a raise! not much, but always helpful

- We had 56 people at church on Sunday (60 if you count the custodian and the unborns)

- I have a lot of really good things I want to blog, it just never seems to happen lately