Maybe if people would smile more they'd forget the reasons they don't
Maybe if we actually acknowledged the people we walk by every day no one would feel all alone in the world.
Maybe if every purghess had a 3 day waiting period we'd all be less in debt.
Maybe if we learned to forgive ourselves we'd have an eaiser time forgiving other people.
Maybe if we ate cookies or ice cream more often we'd be happier.
Maybe if we trusted eachother we'd get hurt less often.
Maybe if we let ourselves be loved we'd be able to love others.
Maybe if we turned off the TV we'd find other things we're interested in.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Waking up
I feel almost like I've been asleep for a long time. That foggy place between being fully rested and still exhausted. I am at a point when I realize I need to heal, and at the same time realize that is what I've been doing the last few months.
Last year was hard. I think most of the hard was due to overactive emotions caused by pregnancy. I think without those I would have been able to handle everything else much better. On the flip side, I think without all the other things I would have enjoyed my pregnancy much more.
I'm laughing a lot again. Not that I wasn't laughing before. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't fully me. Like in a dream when you half know something but not really. I can't really explain it, but it's there.
I'm realizing that I need to settle. That I need a home, a routine, some predictability in my life. Too much has happened, too much has changed. Since I graduated high school I havn't lived in any one place for more than a year. We've been in this appartment since Jan. 1 2006 so it's the running winner, but it's still not home. It's not ours. Trust me, if it were ours it wouldn't look like this. I want a home. I want a place I can have a bath, paint the walls, not have to look at orange vynle.
Someday we'll be settled, and we'll rest, and then I'll start to get that itch for something new again I'm sure.
Last year was hard. I think most of the hard was due to overactive emotions caused by pregnancy. I think without those I would have been able to handle everything else much better. On the flip side, I think without all the other things I would have enjoyed my pregnancy much more.
I'm laughing a lot again. Not that I wasn't laughing before. I wasn't depressed, I just wasn't fully me. Like in a dream when you half know something but not really. I can't really explain it, but it's there.
I'm realizing that I need to settle. That I need a home, a routine, some predictability in my life. Too much has happened, too much has changed. Since I graduated high school I havn't lived in any one place for more than a year. We've been in this appartment since Jan. 1 2006 so it's the running winner, but it's still not home. It's not ours. Trust me, if it were ours it wouldn't look like this. I want a home. I want a place I can have a bath, paint the walls, not have to look at orange vynle.
Someday we'll be settled, and we'll rest, and then I'll start to get that itch for something new again I'm sure.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
ouch
I broke my toe. My left index toe to be exact. I stubbed it on Hana's swing. Stupid swing. Ok, not so stupid swing, she loves sitting in it and chatting to the horses...or the bars, or whatever it is she sees above her to the left. Now I know why some people think babies see ghosts. Ok, I'm rambling, time for bed.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Don't ask the "Experts"
Disclaimer - I debated whether or not I should blog about this because I don't want anyone to think I'm passing judgement on their parenting style. My problem isn't with how people choose to parent, people do what they sincerely believe is best. My problem is with some of the experts and what they reccomend parents do.
When I was pregnant I spent a lot of my time online looking at parenting websites, reading books and visiting parenting message boards. Like anything I didn't really know a lot about, I wanted to discet it and look at it from every angle. I had never been a parent before, I wanted to do my best, and so I turned to the "experts" to learn what I should do.
A lot of things shocked me. The first was the idea of "spoiling" a child by responding to their cries, picking them up, and nursing/rocking them to sleep. The rationalization of this idea is that if a child is always responded to when they cry, then they will learn to cry to get what they want, and will end up manipulating their parents etc. It's not a good idea to pick a baby up too much because it will cause her to become clingy and will hinder independance. It's a bad idea to rock or nurse a baby to sleep because then they will form a strong sleep association and won't be able to put themselves back to sleep if they wake in the night.
All of the above went against everything I had imagined about being a parent. I had daydreams of keeping my baby close and comforting her when she cried, of holding her in my arms, of rocking her to sleep at night, feeling this warm bundle close to me. To read that I wasn't going to be able to enjoy any of that was very sad.
Now, I admit, I may be taking things much more strictly than the "experts" intend, but after hearing people around me, friends and family, say things like "cry ing is good for her", "you'll regret holding her so much" and "she needs to learn to put herself to sleep" it's obvious to me that my first reactions to the advice of experts is how many others have taken it as well (and keep in mind that I've heard all of this and my daughter is only 11 weeks old).
Now, with my limited understanding of human psycology, the idea of spoiling an infant is just insane. From a completely secular and evolutionist standpoint, humans are at the very least mamals. As mamals, infants have certain instincts and reflexes that are ther to insure their survival. Likewise, mothers are hormonaly wired to respond in certain ways to their infants.
Babies try to communicate with those around them, but, being new to the world, they don't use the same language we do, so we need to learn to speak their language.
Babies do not cry to manipulate their parents. That whole idea is just completely insane. Yes, older children will cry and throw fits to get their own way (especially when this behaviour is proven effective) but babies don't. In the world of an infant there are basic needs - human contact (which is vital for regulating internal systems - heartrate, breathing, digestion, temperature, the internal clock etc.), food, sleep, and comfort. When one of these needs isn't being met, they signal to those around them that there is a problem. A week or so of being with Hana and I could tell what it was she needed, usually with pretty good accuracy (once I got over the idea that every time she needed something she must be hungry). When the babies signals aren't noticed and her needs aren't met, they move on to a stronger signal, crying. Babies cry because something is not right in their world, and, being babies, they do not have the ability to make it right.
I learned with Hana that if I responded to her rooting around, or grimacing, or reaching for me, then she didn't cry. Now, she does cry sometimes because I can't figure out what it is she wants, or it takes longer than she thinks it should (especially when she's tired, but we all get a little more impatient when we're tired), but for the most part she doesn't have a need to cry. I couldn't imagine leaving her in her room at night to "cry it out" - everything in me compels me to go to her when she has a need, and I really don't know how people ignore it. Even when Ben is letting me sleep while he takes care of Hana it's hard for me to stay in bed and not go to her if she cries, knowing that Ben is there to help her.
And with the whole cry it out thing, I do not know of one adult who would rather cry themselves to sleep than to fall asleep in the arms of someone they love. This world is new to babies, of course they need a little help soothing themselves and going to sleep. Crying themselves into a fit of exhaustion may work, but is it really healthy? I know a lot of kids who hate going to bed, who wake up in the middle of the night and go to their parents rooms, who don't want to be left alone in their rooms, and I don't blame them. They learned at the very beginning that when they were alone in their room in the dark, their needs were not met.
I could go on, and I might some other time, because this really hits me hard. I feel like many new parents will go to these experts, be told to go against their instincts, and will end up at a loss for how to relate to and take care of their baby.
I keep Hana with me during the day. Right now she's napping in my lap while I type. She does nap in her crib if I need to shower or something, but if I can sit here and watch her sleep, I take advantage of it. When I do the dishes she sits in her bouncy seat and watches me, I talk to her. When I'm shopping or just doing things around the house, I put her in the wrap and she does everything with me. When she needs some "alone" time she lets me know (looks away, doesn't reach out to me etc.) and I lay her down to play or put her in her swing and she's content.
I'm not afraid of spoiling her, food spoils, babies don't. She has her whole life to learn to be independant, and I will teach and encourage it as she is able ot meet her own needs, but until then I will keep her in a position where I can easily meet them.
When I was pregnant I spent a lot of my time online looking at parenting websites, reading books and visiting parenting message boards. Like anything I didn't really know a lot about, I wanted to discet it and look at it from every angle. I had never been a parent before, I wanted to do my best, and so I turned to the "experts" to learn what I should do.
A lot of things shocked me. The first was the idea of "spoiling" a child by responding to their cries, picking them up, and nursing/rocking them to sleep. The rationalization of this idea is that if a child is always responded to when they cry, then they will learn to cry to get what they want, and will end up manipulating their parents etc. It's not a good idea to pick a baby up too much because it will cause her to become clingy and will hinder independance. It's a bad idea to rock or nurse a baby to sleep because then they will form a strong sleep association and won't be able to put themselves back to sleep if they wake in the night.
All of the above went against everything I had imagined about being a parent. I had daydreams of keeping my baby close and comforting her when she cried, of holding her in my arms, of rocking her to sleep at night, feeling this warm bundle close to me. To read that I wasn't going to be able to enjoy any of that was very sad.
Now, I admit, I may be taking things much more strictly than the "experts" intend, but after hearing people around me, friends and family, say things like "cry ing is good for her", "you'll regret holding her so much" and "she needs to learn to put herself to sleep" it's obvious to me that my first reactions to the advice of experts is how many others have taken it as well (and keep in mind that I've heard all of this and my daughter is only 11 weeks old).
Now, with my limited understanding of human psycology, the idea of spoiling an infant is just insane. From a completely secular and evolutionist standpoint, humans are at the very least mamals. As mamals, infants have certain instincts and reflexes that are ther to insure their survival. Likewise, mothers are hormonaly wired to respond in certain ways to their infants.
Babies try to communicate with those around them, but, being new to the world, they don't use the same language we do, so we need to learn to speak their language.
Babies do not cry to manipulate their parents. That whole idea is just completely insane. Yes, older children will cry and throw fits to get their own way (especially when this behaviour is proven effective) but babies don't. In the world of an infant there are basic needs - human contact (which is vital for regulating internal systems - heartrate, breathing, digestion, temperature, the internal clock etc.), food, sleep, and comfort. When one of these needs isn't being met, they signal to those around them that there is a problem. A week or so of being with Hana and I could tell what it was she needed, usually with pretty good accuracy (once I got over the idea that every time she needed something she must be hungry). When the babies signals aren't noticed and her needs aren't met, they move on to a stronger signal, crying. Babies cry because something is not right in their world, and, being babies, they do not have the ability to make it right.
I learned with Hana that if I responded to her rooting around, or grimacing, or reaching for me, then she didn't cry. Now, she does cry sometimes because I can't figure out what it is she wants, or it takes longer than she thinks it should (especially when she's tired, but we all get a little more impatient when we're tired), but for the most part she doesn't have a need to cry. I couldn't imagine leaving her in her room at night to "cry it out" - everything in me compels me to go to her when she has a need, and I really don't know how people ignore it. Even when Ben is letting me sleep while he takes care of Hana it's hard for me to stay in bed and not go to her if she cries, knowing that Ben is there to help her.
And with the whole cry it out thing, I do not know of one adult who would rather cry themselves to sleep than to fall asleep in the arms of someone they love. This world is new to babies, of course they need a little help soothing themselves and going to sleep. Crying themselves into a fit of exhaustion may work, but is it really healthy? I know a lot of kids who hate going to bed, who wake up in the middle of the night and go to their parents rooms, who don't want to be left alone in their rooms, and I don't blame them. They learned at the very beginning that when they were alone in their room in the dark, their needs were not met.
I could go on, and I might some other time, because this really hits me hard. I feel like many new parents will go to these experts, be told to go against their instincts, and will end up at a loss for how to relate to and take care of their baby.
I keep Hana with me during the day. Right now she's napping in my lap while I type. She does nap in her crib if I need to shower or something, but if I can sit here and watch her sleep, I take advantage of it. When I do the dishes she sits in her bouncy seat and watches me, I talk to her. When I'm shopping or just doing things around the house, I put her in the wrap and she does everything with me. When she needs some "alone" time she lets me know (looks away, doesn't reach out to me etc.) and I lay her down to play or put her in her swing and she's content.
I'm not afraid of spoiling her, food spoils, babies don't. She has her whole life to learn to be independant, and I will teach and encourage it as she is able ot meet her own needs, but until then I will keep her in a position where I can easily meet them.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Desire
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart
So does this mean that God is where our desires come from? Or does it mean that our desires willbe filled by God?
I think it's both. I think the closer we move to the heart of God, the more our pulse becomes in sync with His, and through time our desires are moulded to reflect His. At the same time, the story of God and man is a love story, with God consistantly wanting to bring us joy and peace and love and delight. All good and perfect gifts come from Him, and He alone fulfills our desires.
WIth God there is so much good, even in the midst of trials and heartache, he is there to be our delight.
So does this mean that God is where our desires come from? Or does it mean that our desires willbe filled by God?
I think it's both. I think the closer we move to the heart of God, the more our pulse becomes in sync with His, and through time our desires are moulded to reflect His. At the same time, the story of God and man is a love story, with God consistantly wanting to bring us joy and peace and love and delight. All good and perfect gifts come from Him, and He alone fulfills our desires.
WIth God there is so much good, even in the midst of trials and heartache, he is there to be our delight.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Repost
This is something I wrote last November and re-read today when looking for something else. I needed to hear it, it gives me hope.
I believe in holiness.
I believe it is possible to live a day to day life without intentional sin.
I believe that when/if we unintentionally sin and are made aware of it we need to confess and repent.
I believe it is possible to gain victory over habitual sins.
I believe when we sin we are responsible, it is not "because we're human" but because we are choosing to live in disobedience to God.
I believe that when we are forgiven we are clean and righteous in the eyes of God.
I believe God wants to work in each individual life and lead people into a lifestyle of obedience and holiness.
I belive sin interrupts our relationship with God, making it harder for us to be used by Him.
I believe no sin is unforgivable except for denying Christ through whom we gain forgiveness.
I believe that you can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest.
I believe that in true Christian community we are responsible for holding each other accountable, to confessing to one another as needed and upholding each other in prayer and support.
I believe that the world is seeking something true, genuine, life changing and does not accept Christianity because they do not see these key characteristics.
I believe that Christians are not only held accountable for the wrong they do but also the right they do not do.
I believe there is a life free from struggle and characterized with victory.
I believe that as a whole we have sold out and settle for a life that is less than what God intended, for a life free from condemnation but not free from bondage. I beleive that we allow ourselves to indulge in sin because we have accapted the lie that we will never be free. I believe that Christians who allow their brothers and sisters to intentionally sin are supporting disunity in the Body. I believe that pride and arogance are as harmful and damaging as adultery and murder. I believe that a relationship with God should be evident in the day to day and not only in church attendance. I beleive that we have diluted the powerful healing transforming work of God into a message of "try your best and see how it goes". I believe that the reason people don't experience victory over habitual sin is because they are not taught that it is possible. I believe that on our own we will continue to sin, and agree with Paul that it is no longer we who live, but Christ in us, and through Him all things are possible.
I believe that the body has been wounded by false teaching, false expectations and false pride.
I believe that there are those who have experienced freedom and victory, and that their stories should be told and heard.
I beleive that there is healing and hope and peace available to us as we turn our hearts towards Christ.
I beleive there are those seeking a fuller life and finding it.
I beleive that those who are living victorious will be beacons of light for the rest of the body.
I believe the Spirit is moving and calling us to a standard that we cannot attain on our own.
I believe in a closer walk with God, a deeper experience with Him and a more effective life as a result.
I believe holiness is a decision, but cannot be accomplished by our will, is an act of God, and that we have our part, is personal and is corperate.
I believe that coming to God is a process and that each day new areas may be revealed to be surrended, and that through the whole process we can be called holy.
I believe that when the world sees the change that happens in a life as a result of an encounter with God they will be drawn to Him.
I believe in holiness.
I believe it is possible to live a day to day life without intentional sin.
I believe that when/if we unintentionally sin and are made aware of it we need to confess and repent.
I believe it is possible to gain victory over habitual sins.
I believe when we sin we are responsible, it is not "because we're human" but because we are choosing to live in disobedience to God.
I believe that when we are forgiven we are clean and righteous in the eyes of God.
I believe God wants to work in each individual life and lead people into a lifestyle of obedience and holiness.
I belive sin interrupts our relationship with God, making it harder for us to be used by Him.
I believe no sin is unforgivable except for denying Christ through whom we gain forgiveness.
I believe that you can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest.
I believe that in true Christian community we are responsible for holding each other accountable, to confessing to one another as needed and upholding each other in prayer and support.
I believe that the world is seeking something true, genuine, life changing and does not accept Christianity because they do not see these key characteristics.
I believe that Christians are not only held accountable for the wrong they do but also the right they do not do.
I believe there is a life free from struggle and characterized with victory.
I believe that as a whole we have sold out and settle for a life that is less than what God intended, for a life free from condemnation but not free from bondage. I beleive that we allow ourselves to indulge in sin because we have accapted the lie that we will never be free. I believe that Christians who allow their brothers and sisters to intentionally sin are supporting disunity in the Body. I believe that pride and arogance are as harmful and damaging as adultery and murder. I believe that a relationship with God should be evident in the day to day and not only in church attendance. I beleive that we have diluted the powerful healing transforming work of God into a message of "try your best and see how it goes". I believe that the reason people don't experience victory over habitual sin is because they are not taught that it is possible. I believe that on our own we will continue to sin, and agree with Paul that it is no longer we who live, but Christ in us, and through Him all things are possible.
I believe that the body has been wounded by false teaching, false expectations and false pride.
I believe that there are those who have experienced freedom and victory, and that their stories should be told and heard.
I beleive that there is healing and hope and peace available to us as we turn our hearts towards Christ.
I beleive there are those seeking a fuller life and finding it.
I beleive that those who are living victorious will be beacons of light for the rest of the body.
I believe the Spirit is moving and calling us to a standard that we cannot attain on our own.
I believe in a closer walk with God, a deeper experience with Him and a more effective life as a result.
I believe holiness is a decision, but cannot be accomplished by our will, is an act of God, and that we have our part, is personal and is corperate.
I believe that coming to God is a process and that each day new areas may be revealed to be surrended, and that through the whole process we can be called holy.
I believe that when the world sees the change that happens in a life as a result of an encounter with God they will be drawn to Him.
Friday, January 12, 2007
Life in a list
- my email is changing, as The Summit closed in November. My new email is perry.stephanie at gmail.
- I'm taking a couple years off from my quest towards ordination, mostly because I'm loving being a mom so much.
- We still don't know what we're doing after this summer. Feel free to offer suggestions.
- I sometimes wish this blog was more anonymous, but at the same time enjoy being part of a community online with people I actually know. Like most things it's a paradox.
- I have a few good posts that I'm working on, but Hana's naps have been a little more irratic lately.
- I really miss people, if anyone wants to come visit they're more than welcome.
- I have conformed and joined facebook.
- I really need to get out of the house
- if my msn is on, say Hi, I'm usually around playing with Hana, but having a conversation with someone who talks back is always nice.
- I'm taking a couple years off from my quest towards ordination, mostly because I'm loving being a mom so much.
- We still don't know what we're doing after this summer. Feel free to offer suggestions.
- I sometimes wish this blog was more anonymous, but at the same time enjoy being part of a community online with people I actually know. Like most things it's a paradox.
- I have a few good posts that I'm working on, but Hana's naps have been a little more irratic lately.
- I really miss people, if anyone wants to come visit they're more than welcome.
- I have conformed and joined facebook.
- I really need to get out of the house
- if my msn is on, say Hi, I'm usually around playing with Hana, but having a conversation with someone who talks back is always nice.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Back to normal....sort of....
We got home on the weekend (home means Calgary in this post, whereas home meant NB in the last one...keep up people ;)) and it's good to be back. It was so wonderful being with family, but nice to have our own space as well.
I can't get over how well Hana handled the travel. She was more fussy those two weeks than normal, but she was completely off her routine, she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing all day, and that's hard on a little one. When we got home she was still a bit fussy, and chewing on things, and a bit drooly...yeah, you know where I'm going with this...my 9 week old daughter started TEETHING!
I can't get her to open her mouth long enough to get a picture, but Hana has a little white tooth part sticking up out of her lower gum. It's only the size of the head of a pin, but it's white and hard and rather tooth like, and the gum around it is rather bumpy (she likes when I rub her gums, I've become rather familiar with them), and I can't believe it! It could take another month before it completely comes up (oh joy), but really it doesn't seem to bother her too much. It's harder for her to get to sleep, and she can't quite get the hang of chewing on things because of the tongue thrust reflex, but so long as I can rub her gums and put her in the wrap for her naps she's not doing too bad.
She's also started sleeping extremely well. She finishes about 6 oz at around 10 pm, and then sleeps through til 5, then goes back to sleep til about 9. I am so thrilled! I really do have the best baby in the world!
In other news, life is pretty good. Ben and I think we've found a church here that we can be part of, work is going well for him, and life at home is good for me.
Oh, and I'll let Tyler and Denise post the details of Caylee's birth, mostly because I don't want to take that away from them, but also because I'm fuzzy on the details (I was too excited when Tyler called to really pay much attention).
I can't get over how well Hana handled the travel. She was more fussy those two weeks than normal, but she was completely off her routine, she didn't know what she was supposed to be doing all day, and that's hard on a little one. When we got home she was still a bit fussy, and chewing on things, and a bit drooly...yeah, you know where I'm going with this...my 9 week old daughter started TEETHING!
I can't get her to open her mouth long enough to get a picture, but Hana has a little white tooth part sticking up out of her lower gum. It's only the size of the head of a pin, but it's white and hard and rather tooth like, and the gum around it is rather bumpy (she likes when I rub her gums, I've become rather familiar with them), and I can't believe it! It could take another month before it completely comes up (oh joy), but really it doesn't seem to bother her too much. It's harder for her to get to sleep, and she can't quite get the hang of chewing on things because of the tongue thrust reflex, but so long as I can rub her gums and put her in the wrap for her naps she's not doing too bad.
She's also started sleeping extremely well. She finishes about 6 oz at around 10 pm, and then sleeps through til 5, then goes back to sleep til about 9. I am so thrilled! I really do have the best baby in the world!
In other news, life is pretty good. Ben and I think we've found a church here that we can be part of, work is going well for him, and life at home is good for me.
Oh, and I'll let Tyler and Denise post the details of Caylee's birth, mostly because I don't want to take that away from them, but also because I'm fuzzy on the details (I was too excited when Tyler called to really pay much attention).
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Being Home
This has been a wonderful trip so far. It's so nice being with friends and family. I hadn't really realized how isolated Ben and I are in Calgary now, especially me since I don't work anymore. Being home, it's like we never left, and that's wonderful and comforting.
We still haven't made a decision on where we'll be after July, so don't get too excited.
In other news, I'd like to welcome Caylee Mae to the world! She was born Friday, Dec. 29th, 5 weeks(ish) early and a healthy 6lbs 10 oz. Congrats to Tyler and Denise!
We still haven't made a decision on where we'll be after July, so don't get too excited.
In other news, I'd like to welcome Caylee Mae to the world! She was born Friday, Dec. 29th, 5 weeks(ish) early and a healthy 6lbs 10 oz. Congrats to Tyler and Denise!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Shameless Plugs
First off, Ben and I will be in NB from Dec. 23 to Jan 7, the first week we'll bein Saint John and the second in Woodstock - if you'll be around we'd love to see you! Leave a message here or email me and we'll work something out.
Second, Hana is being dedicated at River Valley Wesleyan Church on Sunday, Dec. 24. The service is at 10:45 am, and again, we'd love to see you if you can make it.
Third, two posts ago I gave a theory, and asked for opinions...and nothing...what's with that? I'd like some feedback, maybe hear some other theories...I know people read this...ok, maybe asking for comments isn't following blog ettewuitte, but still...
Second, Hana is being dedicated at River Valley Wesleyan Church on Sunday, Dec. 24. The service is at 10:45 am, and again, we'd love to see you if you can make it.
Third, two posts ago I gave a theory, and asked for opinions...and nothing...what's with that? I'd like some feedback, maybe hear some other theories...I know people read this...ok, maybe asking for comments isn't following blog ettewuitte, but still...
Sunday, December 17, 2006
My theory on everything
Ok, well, maybe not everything....but this is my way of understanding the whole God knows what will happen and we still have free will issue. I came up with this mostly as a teen and trying to understand things that were going on. At Bethany I kind of kept it to myself, but what I learned didn't make it seem completely hiretical, so I've kept it tucked away. It's probably not so much of a theory as an attemt to understand things far beyond my comprehension.
As we go through life, making decisions, it's as if we're walking down a road. In front of us we can see cross streets and twists and upcoming turns, all representing various experiences, opportunities and choices we will face. The decisions we make determine which road we go down, and, while we can see a certain distance ahead, the road is not stright and our ability to see where our choices will lead us is limited.
In turn, God has the map. He sees all the streets, all the possibilits, all the different ways to make it to the same destination. He has a route marked out for us, one that will be most beneficial (tho not necisarily (or likely) the easiest - hardships teach us to persevere, and we need all that comes with that). He also sees the other roads, the ones He wants to steer us away from, and how they always seem to intersect at crutial points with His plan.
God can see all the outcomes of all our possible decisions, and how they intersect with all the outcomes of everyone elses decisions. His plan is worked through leading us in a way to get us "in the right place at the right time" so to speak - leading us down one road so that we have an opportunity to intersect with another road that we may have missed earlier.
I see this lived out in people's lives. I've also experienced it myself. At a crutial point I'll make a decison that leads me away from God's plan for me (and will in some way usually be aware of this) - I deal with the consequences, I repent, and then later, as a result of different experinces and decisions, I'll be faced with the same opportunity once again. Just like making a wrong turn and then looping back around, cathing the street at a different block.
Again, not sure how accurate this is, but it works for me, and I was wondering if anyone had any insight on this? Let me know...
As we go through life, making decisions, it's as if we're walking down a road. In front of us we can see cross streets and twists and upcoming turns, all representing various experiences, opportunities and choices we will face. The decisions we make determine which road we go down, and, while we can see a certain distance ahead, the road is not stright and our ability to see where our choices will lead us is limited.
In turn, God has the map. He sees all the streets, all the possibilits, all the different ways to make it to the same destination. He has a route marked out for us, one that will be most beneficial (tho not necisarily (or likely) the easiest - hardships teach us to persevere, and we need all that comes with that). He also sees the other roads, the ones He wants to steer us away from, and how they always seem to intersect at crutial points with His plan.
God can see all the outcomes of all our possible decisions, and how they intersect with all the outcomes of everyone elses decisions. His plan is worked through leading us in a way to get us "in the right place at the right time" so to speak - leading us down one road so that we have an opportunity to intersect with another road that we may have missed earlier.
I see this lived out in people's lives. I've also experienced it myself. At a crutial point I'll make a decison that leads me away from God's plan for me (and will in some way usually be aware of this) - I deal with the consequences, I repent, and then later, as a result of different experinces and decisions, I'll be faced with the same opportunity once again. Just like making a wrong turn and then looping back around, cathing the street at a different block.
Again, not sure how accurate this is, but it works for me, and I was wondering if anyone had any insight on this? Let me know...
Monday, December 11, 2006
In General
Things are going great! We took Hana to Ben's work Christmas Party on Saturday and she had a blast! I had her dancing with me and she loved it, and we never heard a peep out of her the whole evening...and then she slept through the night! It was absolutely wonderful!
We're so excited to be back in NB for Christmas! Still need to get christmas shopping finished, but there's not much left, so it shouldn't take too long.
I've found a new obsession - Babywearing! I've found so many more ways to use my CuddlyWrap and it's easier on her and me (she was starting to not like her head squished the way I was doing it before, so I looked for other ways to wrap her). I even experimented putting her on my back, and with Ben's help it was easy, with a little ore practice, and as she gets bigger, I'll be able to do it myself. I also bought another wrap, one that's not streachy, so it'll be easier to keep tight as she gets heavier. There's so many different kinds of carriers and so many ways to carry, and with all of them Hana is close to me like she wants to be, and yet I still have my hands free to do what I need to get done. When I'm not wearing her she's hapy to be in her swing or her crib, because she's getting all the cuddle time she needs. Happy baby and happy mom!
We're so excited to be back in NB for Christmas! Still need to get christmas shopping finished, but there's not much left, so it shouldn't take too long.
I've found a new obsession - Babywearing! I've found so many more ways to use my CuddlyWrap and it's easier on her and me (she was starting to not like her head squished the way I was doing it before, so I looked for other ways to wrap her). I even experimented putting her on my back, and with Ben's help it was easy, with a little ore practice, and as she gets bigger, I'll be able to do it myself. I also bought another wrap, one that's not streachy, so it'll be easier to keep tight as she gets heavier. There's so many different kinds of carriers and so many ways to carry, and with all of them Hana is close to me like she wants to be, and yet I still have my hands free to do what I need to get done. When I'm not wearing her she's hapy to be in her swing or her crib, because she's getting all the cuddle time she needs. Happy baby and happy mom!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Unreal
I've got Hana in her wrap right now. She's been having a rough day....or I've been having a rough day rather. She's been having a needy day. She doesn't want to sleep in her crib, she's generally fussy, and she's been eating more often than usual - basically just growing and needing extra comfort, so no big deal really.
I think of how much she needs. Without someone helping her, she couldn't survive. Today she can't even sleep comfortably without help from someone else. She needs to be changed, fed, held, everything.
It's hard to picture Jesus in this position. I can imagine Mary being confused and maybe even frustrated as Jesus would cry non-stop for seemingly no reason. I wonder if she ever felt guilty for wanting just a few minutes of peace, and then realizing that the child she was so frustrated at was the one who would bring peace to the earth.
I think of how much she needs. Without someone helping her, she couldn't survive. Today she can't even sleep comfortably without help from someone else. She needs to be changed, fed, held, everything.
It's hard to picture Jesus in this position. I can imagine Mary being confused and maybe even frustrated as Jesus would cry non-stop for seemingly no reason. I wonder if she ever felt guilty for wanting just a few minutes of peace, and then realizing that the child she was so frustrated at was the one who would bring peace to the earth.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Intellectual Dishonesty
Since I started going online regularly as a teen I've been part of various message board communities. I really enjoy message boards because it's a great way to communicate, share ideas and learn.
Unfortunately, some people aren't as open to sharing ideas and learning as others, and this tends to frustrate me. In the spirit of being "nice" and "accepting" people can sometimes tend to go soft, and want everyone around them to be soft as well. Instead of sharing opinions, they would rather just skirt issues and pretend that everything is right for everyone. They call this being open minded. I call it intelectual dishonesty.
Let's be truthful here, if someone feels strongly that their oppinion about something is right, then they (by default) feel just as strongly that a differing oppinion is wrong. They may be able to fit it into a "right for you, wrong for me" sort of category, but even still, not every issue will fit like that.
I honestly believe it's possible for two (or more) people to have a conversation about something, disagree completely, share their reasons why, and all go away happy and having learned something - either expanding their point of view, having a greater understanding for other points of view, or realizing that they didn't know as much about the subject as they thought (or possibly all of the above).
There are a few dear people in my life that I am usually in disagreement with about certain issues, and I treasure the conversations that we have. They thibnk I'm wrong, I think they're wrong, but we undersand that it's possible neither of us really know what we're talking about, so it's ok. In these conversations I've learned humility, I've learned how to express myself, and I've learned that I can be wrong, very very wrong. I've learned that having to defend my ideas strengthens my belief in them, and that the best way to help someone to understand my position is to do all I can to understand theirs.
So back to the intelectual dishonesty - it frustrates me when I'm accused of "trampling" another person because I refuse to just say "oh, that's nice" when something I believe strongly in is being discussed. I share my point of view, expecting (hoping?) and appriciating when the other person expresses theirs. We may not agree, but we can both go away having learned something.
My stance in a discussion is this - if you've already made up your mind, then my oppinion shouldn't threaten you, so why not listen and perhaps learn something. If you have not made up your mind, then shouldn't you want as much information from as many sides of the issue as possible?
I try not to be arrogant, I'm always open to the possibility that I am the one who is wrong, but expect me to give and defend my position until you show me where (and how) I am wrong.
Sigh.
Maybe I should take a break from message boards for a while....or find people I truly can discuss (and possibly disagree) with.
Unfortunately, some people aren't as open to sharing ideas and learning as others, and this tends to frustrate me. In the spirit of being "nice" and "accepting" people can sometimes tend to go soft, and want everyone around them to be soft as well. Instead of sharing opinions, they would rather just skirt issues and pretend that everything is right for everyone. They call this being open minded. I call it intelectual dishonesty.
Let's be truthful here, if someone feels strongly that their oppinion about something is right, then they (by default) feel just as strongly that a differing oppinion is wrong. They may be able to fit it into a "right for you, wrong for me" sort of category, but even still, not every issue will fit like that.
I honestly believe it's possible for two (or more) people to have a conversation about something, disagree completely, share their reasons why, and all go away happy and having learned something - either expanding their point of view, having a greater understanding for other points of view, or realizing that they didn't know as much about the subject as they thought (or possibly all of the above).
There are a few dear people in my life that I am usually in disagreement with about certain issues, and I treasure the conversations that we have. They thibnk I'm wrong, I think they're wrong, but we undersand that it's possible neither of us really know what we're talking about, so it's ok. In these conversations I've learned humility, I've learned how to express myself, and I've learned that I can be wrong, very very wrong. I've learned that having to defend my ideas strengthens my belief in them, and that the best way to help someone to understand my position is to do all I can to understand theirs.
So back to the intelectual dishonesty - it frustrates me when I'm accused of "trampling" another person because I refuse to just say "oh, that's nice" when something I believe strongly in is being discussed. I share my point of view, expecting (hoping?) and appriciating when the other person expresses theirs. We may not agree, but we can both go away having learned something.
My stance in a discussion is this - if you've already made up your mind, then my oppinion shouldn't threaten you, so why not listen and perhaps learn something. If you have not made up your mind, then shouldn't you want as much information from as many sides of the issue as possible?
I try not to be arrogant, I'm always open to the possibility that I am the one who is wrong, but expect me to give and defend my position until you show me where (and how) I am wrong.
Sigh.
Maybe I should take a break from message boards for a while....or find people I truly can discuss (and possibly disagree) with.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
already a month old...
Wow a month goes fast. I can't believe that she's a month old already, she's still so small. She has grown a lot tho - the preemie clothes we had to buy for her are getting on the smaller side, but still fit. Her regular clothes mostly fit now too (the pants don't go up to her armpits anymore).
She's so much more awake and aware now, and she's starting to coo and smile. She's the most precious little baby, I'm daily amazed by how much I love her. I didn't think it would be possible to love another being this much.
I'm doing well too, I have no pain at all from my incision, but I'm still not considered healed for another two weeks. It's a little frustrating because it limits what I can lift and my cleaning. Most frustrating is that the stroller is out of my lifting ability, so even in nice days Hana and I usually stay in if I don't have the car.
I love being a mom, this is thebest feeling in the world.
Ps - lots of pictures in her album - hanapics.cjb.net
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
God provides again
I don't know why things like this always suprise me. I know that God *can* do all these amazing things to take care of us and help us, but it always just leaves me in awe when he does them.
One of my biggest worries with going with formula was that it's expensive. Thankfully Hana has no problem with cheep powdered formula, but ther was the possibility we'd have to go with more expensive stuff (I needed soy formula when I was an infant). Even with the cheep stuff the price still adds up - it's not too bad right now where she's only taking about 18-20 oz a day, but she's going to get bigger, and it all adds up.
And then yesterday Ben was informed that he's getting a $2 and hour raise. It's wonderful and puts me in awe of my God, my provider.
One of my biggest worries with going with formula was that it's expensive. Thankfully Hana has no problem with cheep powdered formula, but ther was the possibility we'd have to go with more expensive stuff (I needed soy formula when I was an infant). Even with the cheep stuff the price still adds up - it's not too bad right now where she's only taking about 18-20 oz a day, but she's going to get bigger, and it all adds up.
And then yesterday Ben was informed that he's getting a $2 and hour raise. It's wonderful and puts me in awe of my God, my provider.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Thoughts on Christmas
I love Christmas, it's my favorite time of year. When I was little it was always so special, we'd have a hosue full of people, everyone getting along, having fun together. Some of my favorite memories are from Christmases.
I started listening to Christmas music in September, and I'm still not sick of it. I love Christmas.
I was thinking the other day about the christmas star. Some people wonder why God waited for when He did to send Jesus, as if it were a spur of the moment decision that the time was right. But science tells us that it takes time for light from a star to reach earth, sometimes a lot of time, depending on how far away the star is. For the christmas star to have shone announcing the birth of Christ it would have had to have started years earlier, maybe a lot of years earlier.
God's plan wasn't spur of the moment, He didn't just all of a sudden decide that the time was right, it was planned, and that plan had been put into motion years earlier when the star started shining. God knew when the time would be right and set things in place so that His plan, and our reconciliation to Him, could come at just the right time in history. His plan amazes me.
I started listening to Christmas music in September, and I'm still not sick of it. I love Christmas.
I was thinking the other day about the christmas star. Some people wonder why God waited for when He did to send Jesus, as if it were a spur of the moment decision that the time was right. But science tells us that it takes time for light from a star to reach earth, sometimes a lot of time, depending on how far away the star is. For the christmas star to have shone announcing the birth of Christ it would have had to have started years earlier, maybe a lot of years earlier.
God's plan wasn't spur of the moment, He didn't just all of a sudden decide that the time was right, it was planned, and that plan had been put into motion years earlier when the star started shining. God knew when the time would be right and set things in place so that His plan, and our reconciliation to Him, could come at just the right time in history. His plan amazes me.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Life is good
It's been two days and I have no regrets, things have been great. My baby girl is happy and content, and growing (she's already more than 2 inches bigger than at birth!) and I'm relaxed, happy and enjoying her.
In other news, well, there really isn't any other news. we thought the car was broken because it wouldn't start, but really it was just in drive (oops?). Ben turned 25 on Sunday, and tomarrow night we're going out to a movie and Hana will have a babysitter for the first time.
A question for moms - Hana loves sleeping on her belly and wakes up when she sleeps on her back, then has trouble getting back to sleep. The problem is she can only sleep on her belly when she's with us (sleeping on my lap etc.) and so when she naps I usually end up holding her. Any ideas on how to get her more comfortable on her back so she'll get used to sleeping in her crib? Thanks!
So that's it for now. Life is good, it's snowy, and I'll be back in NB in 4 weeks (YAY!).
In other news, well, there really isn't any other news. we thought the car was broken because it wouldn't start, but really it was just in drive (oops?). Ben turned 25 on Sunday, and tomarrow night we're going out to a movie and Hana will have a babysitter for the first time.
A question for moms - Hana loves sleeping on her belly and wakes up when she sleeps on her back, then has trouble getting back to sleep. The problem is she can only sleep on her belly when she's with us (sleeping on my lap etc.) and so when she naps I usually end up holding her. Any ideas on how to get her more comfortable on her back so she'll get used to sleeping in her crib? Thanks!
So that's it for now. Life is good, it's snowy, and I'll be back in NB in 4 weeks (YAY!).
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Why nursing didn't work for me....
...(and how it doesn't mean I'm a bad mother)
This is mostly just a reminder for myself, and a bit of encouragement when I need it.
When I was pregnant I was so excited about nursing, but I was also nervous. My mom wasn't able to breastfeed, her milk didn't come in. The more research I did the more hopeful I got, there were medications that would induce lactation. I figured I would be ok.
In the hospital the first time I latched her on it hurt so much I almost screamed, but she was nursing, and I didn't care how much it hurt. For the next two days she kept having latch on issues, even after all my nurses and a lactation consultant had tried to help. I didn't care, I kept nursing, even tho my nipples were so cracked and blistered and bleeding. I wanted to nurse my daughter, breast is best.
She was loosing weight, she was dehydrated, she wouldn't settle, she wasn't a happy baby, so the nurses pushed for formula. I cried, I felt like a failure, but I agreed, my baby needed to eat. I started pumping and trying to hand express, my mipples kept bleeding, but started to get better. I kept trying to nurse her, it kept hurting, she wasn't getting much.
When we got home from the hospital she would cry and cry and never seemed satisfied after she nursed. We rented a pump, the nurse suggested I just pump until my mipples healed. I would take almost 2 hours with each feeding to feed her my milk, then formula, and then pump. She ate ever 3 hours, giving me very little time to rest, or even eat. When Ben was home he'd feed her while I pumped. I started hating feeding her, it was heart breaking.
My supply wasn't going up on its own. I started taking Motilium. It gave me headaches, really bad headaches, but I stayed on it, I had to nurse my baby. She wouldn't nurse tho, she'd scream every time we tried. I saw another lactation consultant. She reassured me, but didn't fix the problem.
I went and bought a nipple shield. Finally, she nursed! I was so happy....but then she was still hungry and needed a bottle afterword. The motilium started to kick in, I could get a little more. She fell asleep while nursing every time, it took over an hour to feed her, then she'd wake up about a half hour later. She took the bottle and it broke my heart. At this point I was crying every day over this. Everything else was wonderful, I just couldn't feed my baby. She was so gassy she couldn't sleep, she ended up in bed with us because it was easier to comfort her.
The nurse called again to see how things were going. She was glad to hear my supply had gone up, but Hana wasn't really satisfied. For the last few days she wouldn't be awake for more than half an hour without screaming, and she'd wake every 2 hours to eat. I tried just nursing her, but she wasn't getting enough - the nurse told me how to tell with the shield.
And so I tried everything. And it didn't work. And I cried and felt like a failure. My baby needs to eat, she needs to eat enough so she can sleep comfortably, and I need to feel good while I'm feeding her and not be worried about if she's starving or not.
I decided I'm going to formula feed. It's been almost three weeks, nursing isn't working. I threw out my pills, the shields, packed up the pump. I'm done.
Part of me is excited that I don't have to stress about it any more. Part of me feels really guilty for giving up, and even more guilty for being excited. I'm hoping the guilt will go away soon - writing this all out has helped.
Formula won't kill her. She'll be just as smart, just as healthy and just as beautiful, plus her mother will be much happier. I'm in the 2-5% of women who can't breastfeed. I just have to deal with that.
This is mostly just a reminder for myself, and a bit of encouragement when I need it.
When I was pregnant I was so excited about nursing, but I was also nervous. My mom wasn't able to breastfeed, her milk didn't come in. The more research I did the more hopeful I got, there were medications that would induce lactation. I figured I would be ok.
In the hospital the first time I latched her on it hurt so much I almost screamed, but she was nursing, and I didn't care how much it hurt. For the next two days she kept having latch on issues, even after all my nurses and a lactation consultant had tried to help. I didn't care, I kept nursing, even tho my nipples were so cracked and blistered and bleeding. I wanted to nurse my daughter, breast is best.
She was loosing weight, she was dehydrated, she wouldn't settle, she wasn't a happy baby, so the nurses pushed for formula. I cried, I felt like a failure, but I agreed, my baby needed to eat. I started pumping and trying to hand express, my mipples kept bleeding, but started to get better. I kept trying to nurse her, it kept hurting, she wasn't getting much.
When we got home from the hospital she would cry and cry and never seemed satisfied after she nursed. We rented a pump, the nurse suggested I just pump until my mipples healed. I would take almost 2 hours with each feeding to feed her my milk, then formula, and then pump. She ate ever 3 hours, giving me very little time to rest, or even eat. When Ben was home he'd feed her while I pumped. I started hating feeding her, it was heart breaking.
My supply wasn't going up on its own. I started taking Motilium. It gave me headaches, really bad headaches, but I stayed on it, I had to nurse my baby. She wouldn't nurse tho, she'd scream every time we tried. I saw another lactation consultant. She reassured me, but didn't fix the problem.
I went and bought a nipple shield. Finally, she nursed! I was so happy....but then she was still hungry and needed a bottle afterword. The motilium started to kick in, I could get a little more. She fell asleep while nursing every time, it took over an hour to feed her, then she'd wake up about a half hour later. She took the bottle and it broke my heart. At this point I was crying every day over this. Everything else was wonderful, I just couldn't feed my baby. She was so gassy she couldn't sleep, she ended up in bed with us because it was easier to comfort her.
The nurse called again to see how things were going. She was glad to hear my supply had gone up, but Hana wasn't really satisfied. For the last few days she wouldn't be awake for more than half an hour without screaming, and she'd wake every 2 hours to eat. I tried just nursing her, but she wasn't getting enough - the nurse told me how to tell with the shield.
And so I tried everything. And it didn't work. And I cried and felt like a failure. My baby needs to eat, she needs to eat enough so she can sleep comfortably, and I need to feel good while I'm feeding her and not be worried about if she's starving or not.
I decided I'm going to formula feed. It's been almost three weeks, nursing isn't working. I threw out my pills, the shields, packed up the pump. I'm done.
Part of me is excited that I don't have to stress about it any more. Part of me feels really guilty for giving up, and even more guilty for being excited. I'm hoping the guilt will go away soon - writing this all out has helped.
Formula won't kill her. She'll be just as smart, just as healthy and just as beautiful, plus her mother will be much happier. I'm in the 2-5% of women who can't breastfeed. I just have to deal with that.
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