Three years ago today I was supposed to be induced. I was 41 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I didn't want to be induced, so I was very excited to wake up with contractions. I had been having contractions regularly for a couple of weeks in the evenings (3-4 hrs a day, 8 or so minutes apart) but this was the first time I had woken up with them.

So I didn't go in to the hospital, instead just relaxed and prepared myself for my baby to be born. A few hours later the hospital called, and we agreed I'd go in for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok.

It was, so I went home and continued labouring. Two days later Elias James Perry was born.

This picture was taken on the 26th right before we went into the hospital. My wonderful doula was able to snap it between contractions while I was sitting on my ball outside.

It's hard to believe it was 3 years ago. My boy is so big. He's sweet and kind and helpful and funny and he has this grin that is so infectious. Right now he's laying on the floor happy as can be playing with his Thomas the Tank Engine as happy as can be. I sort of feel the same way about being his mom.

For the want of a camera

I've been knitting and spinning. In the past few weeks I've spun a lot of yarn (some of which I will be selling), knit a bathmat, almost finished a shawl and cast on two other shawls.

But you'll have to take my word for it.

I want to do a great post about all of my projects with pictures and everything

But our camera is broken

So for the want of a camera, a lack of a post.

(or, the lack of a good post at least)

Broken

Sometimes I feel broken.

Right now it's 2 am and everyone is asleep. I should be asleep. And then when the kids wake up at 6 I should get up with them so my husband can sleep in. I should make pancakes or eggs for breakfast. I should take them to the market and then the library and bring home some healthy fresh food for lunch.

But instead I'm sitting up late. Ben will get up with the kids and let me sleep in (because he's good to me when I stay up too late...actually he's good to me all the time. I warned him when we got married not to spoil me. He didn't listen). I'll get out of bed and feel angry and frustrated with myself for wasting the morning sleeping. Another day will pass without me saving the world and I'll sit up again late tomorrow night thinking about how I've failed.

See the problem?

And yet, even tho I'm able to see outside of the loop, even tho I'm rational and capable enough to make a plan (just sent Ben an email to wake me up so I can take the kids out. Not at 6, but no one really wants to see me on 4 hrs of sleep), I still feel broken.

Romans 7:15
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

I want to be a better person who organizes activities for my children and has a tidy house and cooks for her husband every night. But instead I sit on the couch and roll my eyes at the kids and put off getting groceries. But really that's not the problem. The problem is that rather than changing something (either my actions or my expectations), I just sit here feeling bad about it. Staying up late feeling bad doesn't stop the problem at all. Actually, it makes it worse, because everything is worse in the middle of the night sitting up all alone.

So, new plan of action - turning off distractions (facebook, ravelry, games) by 11 and going to sleep by 12 every night for the next week. We'll see how that goes.

Returning

It's been over a year since I last blogged. Honestly during that time I felt little need to post anything, and when I did I used the notes on facebook. Lately, however, I've been feeling more of a pull to write and share. For some reason this feels more private than facebook, even if it's still out there for all the world to see.

Right now it sort of feels like life is suspended. Husband is finished school and looking for work. The girl is starting school in the fall. The boy turns 3 (THREE?!?!?!) in a couple of weeks. I've been spinning and knitting and filling my time with friends and family - Trying to get as much out of the time as I can rather than feel like I'm waiting for something else to start.

In short, life is good.