God provides again

I don't know why things like this always suprise me. I know that God *can* do all these amazing things to take care of us and help us, but it always just leaves me in awe when he does them.

One of my biggest worries with going with formula was that it's expensive. Thankfully Hana has no problem with cheep powdered formula, but ther was the possibility we'd have to go with more expensive stuff (I needed soy formula when I was an infant). Even with the cheep stuff the price still adds up - it's not too bad right now where she's only taking about 18-20 oz a day, but she's going to get bigger, and it all adds up.

And then yesterday Ben was informed that he's getting a $2 and hour raise. It's wonderful and puts me in awe of my God, my provider.

Thoughts on Christmas

I love Christmas, it's my favorite time of year. When I was little it was always so special, we'd have a hosue full of people, everyone getting along, having fun together. Some of my favorite memories are from Christmases.

I started listening to Christmas music in September, and I'm still not sick of it. I love Christmas.

I was thinking the other day about the christmas star. Some people wonder why God waited for when He did to send Jesus, as if it were a spur of the moment decision that the time was right. But science tells us that it takes time for light from a star to reach earth, sometimes a lot of time, depending on how far away the star is. For the christmas star to have shone announcing the birth of Christ it would have had to have started years earlier, maybe a lot of years earlier.

God's plan wasn't spur of the moment, He didn't just all of a sudden decide that the time was right, it was planned, and that plan had been put into motion years earlier when the star started shining. God knew when the time would be right and set things in place so that His plan, and our reconciliation to Him, could come at just the right time in history. His plan amazes me.

Life is good

It's been two days and I have no regrets, things have been great. My baby girl is happy and content, and growing (she's already more than 2 inches bigger than at birth!) and I'm relaxed, happy and enjoying her.

In other news, well, there really isn't any other news. we thought the car was broken because it wouldn't start, but really it was just in drive (oops?). Ben turned 25 on Sunday, and tomarrow night we're going out to a movie and Hana will have a babysitter for the first time.

A question for moms - Hana loves sleeping on her belly and wakes up when she sleeps on her back, then has trouble getting back to sleep. The problem is she can only sleep on her belly when she's with us (sleeping on my lap etc.) and so when she naps I usually end up holding her. Any ideas on how to get her more comfortable on her back so she'll get used to sleeping in her crib? Thanks!

So that's it for now. Life is good, it's snowy, and I'll be back in NB in 4 weeks (YAY!).

Why nursing didn't work for me....

...(and how it doesn't mean I'm a bad mother)

This is mostly just a reminder for myself, and a bit of encouragement when I need it.

When I was pregnant I was so excited about nursing, but I was also nervous. My mom wasn't able to breastfeed, her milk didn't come in. The more research I did the more hopeful I got, there were medications that would induce lactation. I figured I would be ok.

In the hospital the first time I latched her on it hurt so much I almost screamed, but she was nursing, and I didn't care how much it hurt. For the next two days she kept having latch on issues, even after all my nurses and a lactation consultant had tried to help. I didn't care, I kept nursing, even tho my nipples were so cracked and blistered and bleeding. I wanted to nurse my daughter, breast is best.

She was loosing weight, she was dehydrated, she wouldn't settle, she wasn't a happy baby, so the nurses pushed for formula. I cried, I felt like a failure, but I agreed, my baby needed to eat. I started pumping and trying to hand express, my mipples kept bleeding, but started to get better. I kept trying to nurse her, it kept hurting, she wasn't getting much.

When we got home from the hospital she would cry and cry and never seemed satisfied after she nursed. We rented a pump, the nurse suggested I just pump until my mipples healed. I would take almost 2 hours with each feeding to feed her my milk, then formula, and then pump. She ate ever 3 hours, giving me very little time to rest, or even eat. When Ben was home he'd feed her while I pumped. I started hating feeding her, it was heart breaking.

My supply wasn't going up on its own. I started taking Motilium. It gave me headaches, really bad headaches, but I stayed on it, I had to nurse my baby. She wouldn't nurse tho, she'd scream every time we tried. I saw another lactation consultant. She reassured me, but didn't fix the problem.

I went and bought a nipple shield. Finally, she nursed! I was so happy....but then she was still hungry and needed a bottle afterword. The motilium started to kick in, I could get a little more. She fell asleep while nursing every time, it took over an hour to feed her, then she'd wake up about a half hour later. She took the bottle and it broke my heart. At this point I was crying every day over this. Everything else was wonderful, I just couldn't feed my baby. She was so gassy she couldn't sleep, she ended up in bed with us because it was easier to comfort her.

The nurse called again to see how things were going. She was glad to hear my supply had gone up, but Hana wasn't really satisfied. For the last few days she wouldn't be awake for more than half an hour without screaming, and she'd wake every 2 hours to eat. I tried just nursing her, but she wasn't getting enough - the nurse told me how to tell with the shield.

And so I tried everything. And it didn't work. And I cried and felt like a failure. My baby needs to eat, she needs to eat enough so she can sleep comfortably, and I need to feel good while I'm feeding her and not be worried about if she's starving or not.

I decided I'm going to formula feed. It's been almost three weeks, nursing isn't working. I threw out my pills, the shields, packed up the pump. I'm done.

Part of me is excited that I don't have to stress about it any more. Part of me feels really guilty for giving up, and even more guilty for being excited. I'm hoping the guilt will go away soon - writing this all out has helped.

Formula won't kill her. She'll be just as smart, just as healthy and just as beautiful, plus her mother will be much happier. I'm in the 2-5% of women who can't breastfeed. I just have to deal with that.

YAY for POOP

that's a phrase i've been saying lately that I never thought I'd say...but hey, when babies poop it's a good thing....yeah

Otherwise things are going good. I was having issues with nursing, meaning pretty much every issue you can have nursing I've experienced. We're still trying tho, and it's getting better.

And she's awake, so more later....later meaning eventually....

Hospital Ban

In the last two weeks I've been to the hospital 3 times. That's more than I like to go to the hospital in 3 years. I hate hospitals (just in case I didn't mention that before)

Hospital Trip #1: (Friday)
Reason : C-section
Duration : 4 days
Outcome: I had my baby, so it wasn't all bad. Sure, I got no sleep and the nurses weren't all that helpful, but still, in all, not a bad experience.

Hospital Trip #2 (Tuesday)
Reason: Hana spit up blood
Duration: 4 hours
Outcome: She was fine - the blood was mine (nursing issues, it hurt a lot) and so no reason to worry. It gave me a great appriciation for my mother who took me to the hospital many times when I was small. We also got to see the new Alberta Children's Hospital, nice place.

Hospital trip #3 (Sunday)
Reason: I had chest pains and the nurses made me paranoid of blood clots
Duration: 10 hours
Outcome: I was fine, after a CT scan they discovered I had no problems, was completely healthy, no idea what the pain was (I think I pulled a muscle). I endured blood work, 3 IV atempts and have a HUGE bruise on my arm, plus was radio active from the dye for the CT and couldn't nurse for 48 hours. BUt I was fine, I really should stop complaining.

So now no one in my family is allowed to get sick for at least the next year. In a perfect world I'd never have to go into a hospital again at all, but I know that's not so likely. Actually, right now I'd be happy with making it a week without a trip to the ER.

Another one

Isn't she cute?

Baby Album

I've started a photobucket album for Hana and will try and post new pics every couple of days. The link is Here

And in other news....

First an update on Hana - she's precious. And she had a bunch of gunk in her belly. The public health nurse came today and was talking to me. I told her we'd been having trouble with Hana because she always got really gassy and couldn't lay on her back for more than about 20 mins without waking, wich made nights really hard. The nurses at the hospital had said it was normal and told me to hold her on her belly, and that seemed to help. We were also having trouble with feeding her - she would stop sucking but still be hungry, and she had lost almost 10% of her weight. Well, all of those problems are fixed now (or at least so far they seem to be) because she vomited up a bunch of gunk. The PHN said it was normal in babies who had swallowed gunk in utero, and asked if she had been suctioned. She had, but apparently they missed a lot. It was kinda freaky seeing it come out, I was glad the nurse was there. Since then she's been so settled, has been eating great, and seems to be doing much better. I'm a little frustrated they didn't notice the problem at the hospital, but I'm just so happy to have a healthy baby and not to have to worry about her weight any more.

Now the other news. As of yesterday, the summit church where I had been working has closed. For those of you who don't know it was a plant in Calgary that started about 4 years ago. There are a lot of reasons why it closed, most having to do with a combination of cultral things. It's very sad, but good - with all the leaders/staff being bi-vocational things were getting hard on everyone.

We're not really sure what will happen next - to get my ordination I'll need to find another church, but I had been planning on not getting ordained for at least another year anyway (church maternity leave). We have our lease until July and we like it here, so there's no rush. We're going to find a church we can be part of and just take it as it comes.

She has arrived!

Ok, so you probably already knew that she was born, but now you get to hear all about it (well, not all about it...but if you want the whole story let me know).

We got to the hospital a little before 6 on Friday morning, got admitted and went upstairs to the labour and delivery ward. They got me hooked up to a moniter and started my IV (I didn't even cry). then we waited. And waited more. I spoke with the surgen and the anestatist. Then waited. Then found out they had changed my surgery back an hour - it was to be at 9 instead of 10.

Finally, we were told it was time. This was when I started to get nervous. I walked to the OR and sat down on the bed so they could put in the spinal. Ben wasn't allowed in the room, and I almost started to cry, but it wasn't so bad. It started working pretty quick, it was a really odd feeling, numb but tingly. Ben came and and got situated, at 9:45 they put up the screen so I couldn't see what they were doing (which was really nice). at 9:54 I heard the most beautiful sound - my daughter screaming. I balled. It was just so wonderful to hear her and know she was healthy. at 10:15 they had me all stiched up and moving to a recovery room.

She weighed in at 6lbs 14 oz, 19 3/4 in. She's beautiful!

By Friday evening I was up walking a bit, Tuesday morning I was off the IV and everything and walked around a bit more. The pain isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be - even without having morphine in my spinal I still only needed extra strength tylonol.

I could have been dischared on Sunday but the nurses were nervous about how much weight she had lost, so they kept me an extra night just in case. She's doing great now!

There are pics on my photo blog, there will be more added regularly, and there's some other news I have to share, but that will be tomarrow.

Changes

I'm having a baby tomarrow.

Some people consider this cheeting - usually when womeen have babies they don't know the exact date it will happen. I even know the time - 8 am mountain time. I also know that it will be a girl, her name is Hana Rae. I really can't wait to meet her.

there are a few people I know who think I'm just not going to be suprised at all when she's born, that I've taken away all the mystery and wonder of having a child.

they're very wrong.

I've had this life, this little person living within me for the past 9 months, growing, moving around, being part of my life. she's already got a personality, a temperment, talents. God has already mapped out who she can be and where her life could go. how can that not cause me to be in absolute wonder over this whole thing?

The oddest part of this is the peace I have about having a section. This is odd because I don't like Doctors, I don't like hospitals, and I have a huge problem with needles, blood, and the like. This problem gets to the point that when I had to go in for a tetnus shot I almost passed out because my blood pressure went so high and I cried when they gave me the shot.

But having a needle in my spine and my stomache cut open doesn't bother me in the least. I can't wait to hear my little girl's first cry, to see her. I'm excited that Ben gets to hold her first, because I've been the one carrying her all this time. I can't wait to kiss her and hold her and nurse her.

I'll be in the hospital probably until Monday, but I'll see if I can get Ben to update between now and then. Please be praying for a quick and easy recovery for me.

Coppied from Matthew Rose

I went, i saw, I copied.

Thoughs on Truth

I really enjoyed the message at church yesterday. Actually, I had been looking forward to it for quite a while. We've been working through a series based on Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis, so I knew what was coming.

I don't have the "average" background of a pastor. My family stopped going to church for various reasons when I was about 4, I would go with a friend of mine through my childhood and teen years, but Christianity was definately not the main influence on my world view. Through my life I've been exposed to many different views, religious, political and scientific. Because of my cuirious nature, I would take in all these views, discect them, and take what I could from them.

For a time when I was a teen I studied religions, from Celtic druidism (paganism) to Islam, to cults (mormonism and the watchtower society mostly), a bit of hinduism etc. I was interested in why people followed these religions, just as much as i was curious why people would have no belief in God at all.

Through all these experiences and studying, I couldn't deny that there was truth in these other belief systems, that there was truth in scientific theories, and there was truth in the lives of people who had no concept of diety at all.

Of course, I mostly kept all this to myself - I had noticed that many christians feel that we have a monopoly on truth. I mean, after all, Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life - so truth can't possibly exist outside of Christianity.....

However, the Bible disagrees. It says the whole earth is full of the glory of God, that creation proclaims the glory of God, that He is everywhere and there is no where we can go and notbe in His presence. Paul quoted secular (pagan) prophets and writers of his time when trying to bring people to the true God.

Think of it this way...ancient cultures would worship the sun, bcause they knew that the sun was what made their crops grow and would make them prosperous. That is true (trust me, I did a science project on photosynthasis when I was a kid...no light = no plants). Their was truth in their religion, the only problem was that they didn't go far enough.

I think this happens a lot. I genuinly believe that if people seek out truth, seek out all of God, that they will find Him, that's what Jesus said, right? So people set out in a search for truth in whatever form they choose (religous, scientific, philosophical) and find some. There is truth in any religon out there. In fact, I can remember agreeing with some of the articles of satanism at one point (not sure what ones and not gonna look it up right now). What happens is that smewhere along the path serching for truth people find religion (be it islam, hinduism or christianity) and then stop looking. Just like those who used to worship the sun, they don't look far enough.

I had a friend who was JW. My heart ached for her (still does, she broke off contact, I think I may have gotten her in trouble), she wanted to know truth. Every conversation I had with her I worked to find common ground in what we believed. I didn't cut down her beliefs, I didn't tell her she was wrong, but helped her to understand where she was right. truth has an amazing ability to reveal lies in its own way, we don't need to do that.

And it's not like Christianity is all truth either. The early church had to learn that it was not true that followers of Christ had to first become Jews. It is not true that God loves a stright, sexually pure individual more than a promicuous homosexual one. It is not true that smoking/drinking/whatever makes you useless as a folower of Christ, and yet this is what (at times) people have been either pressured to feel or outright told.

God is so much bigger than us. So much bigger than any concept of Him that we might come up with. he can not be contained in a building, in a denomination, even in all the doctrines and beliefs that make up christianity. We need to continually be seeking Him, be seeking truth, to continually draw closer to Him as he reveals himself to us.

And we need to be open to the truth that we see around us instead of being scared of it and writing it off as wrong or evil. We need to encourage people with whatever ammount of truth they have, and pray that their hunger and thirst for truth will continue to lead them to God. We need to find common ground between beliefs, discussing what we share and then finding reasons for where we differ, instead of debating over things that we're not really sure of anyway.

That's my rant for today. No baby yet. I'll keep you posted.

Benefits Recieved

No, no baby yet...I've just been a slogger for the past couple of weeks. She'll be here next Friday (I go in to the hospital at 6 am). In the meantime, I'm sleeping and getting all the laundry done (how is it she has so much laundry and isn't even born yet?).

I have exciting news. One of the perks (the only perk?) of being bi-vocational for the past year is that I was eligable for maternity leave. This is a big deal for me. Ben and I are doing well enough financially (as in not having to live paycheck to paycheck) because he gets paid really well and our rent is super cheep. However, I have a line of credit from school that I'm slowly chipping away at, and we like having a bit of savings. Add on a newish car and a baby, and things were going to be a bit tight with me not working. In fact, us getting the car was a real step in faith for me, because I wasn't sure how much I was going to get for mat leave.

Basically, I needed to be recieving about 400 a month for my loan and to put a bit in savings for the baby, plus help with the price of diapers so that ben's paycheck wasn't streched too far. I didn't know if I'd get that much because most of what I worked was part time (under 40 hours).

Well, I checked today, and God has been good to us. I'll be getting just over 600 a month! The unfortunate thing is that it is only for 24 weeks instead of the full 53, but I can live with that, either going back to work part time when Ben's home, or seeing how far we can make things strech. I really want to be a stay at home mom as much as possible, and with my work at the curch (which will be starting again in January) I never planned on working full time anyway. We'll wait and see what happens.

I'm so excited about this, one more way that God is taking car of us and affirming that He wants us here doing what we're doing. Calgary is a VERY expensive place to live, but so far we've been taken care of. God is amazing.

Our New Car!

1997 Saturn, 4 door, white, no rust...so much better than the 1987 2 door pink Honda Civic that's falling apart we were driving 

It has a fin....oooohhhhh 

The interior is like new! 

And the date is....

November 3rd!

I still don't know what time, but I am scheduled for a c-section on Friday, Nov. 3....unless of course she decides to make her entrance a little earlier (not that I would mind that all that much).

Happy Day

This has been a wonderful day. I had a fairly good sleep for most of the night, woke up feeling awake, and there was snow on the trees. It's just beautiful out, light snow, not too cold. I feel very cozy inside, got some cleaning done and had a visit from a friend i rarely see.
I also got our new(ish) car insured, and we'll be getting it registered tonight and picking it up tomarrow.

this is a good day