Designer

I'm very proud of myself right now.

I just designed this:


It's a mug cozy. I found a pattern for a similar one. Well, kinda similar. It had a bottom, and the top wasn't attached, and it was a different stitch pattern. I made it, and liked it, er, except for the above changes. So I came up with my own. Charted the pattern and everything.

It took less than 5 hrs start to finish.

Now I'm going to bed.

Thrown Away

Has anyone else noticed the absurdity of disposable products?

A few months ago I saw a comercal for paper plates. The point was you have more important things in life than doing dishes, so just throw everything out. Brilliant, right? Never mind that most people have dishwashers, and if you don't doing dishes only takes about 20 minutes anyway. Because really, watching tv or checking email is way more important. Sure, they make it seem like you're going to spend time with family, but let's be honest, if you have time to be online you have time to do dishes.

Things like that frustrate me a lot. Ben and I work really hard to not use dispible products. Because really, buying something with the intnet of using it once and throwing it out, especially when there are other re-usable products that accomplish the same thing, rediculous.

We use rags instead of paper towels, wash cloths instead of napkins for the kids, microfiber instead of swiffer, cloth diapers and I have a Diva cup. I figure we save at least 50$ a month (altho Hana is in disposables right now because she refuses to potty and I can't afford bigger diapers for her right now, but we're working on potty training) just by doing a two extra loads of laundry a week.

Yes, extra laundry, which does mean extra water and extra power. However, when you take into consideration the resources used in manufacturing as well as the wast from the packaging and the products themselves, we're still coming out ahead.

The only downside I can see to reusable products is that they don't really benefit the economy any. Well, except for reusable bags. I buy one of those a month when I forget to bring one with me.

Assumptions

Know what, I'm a bit of an idiot

See, there are certain topics I refrain from posting on here because of what I assume my readership is :namely those from BBC who find my blog through Matthew's links (thanks Matthew!).

See, when I was at Bethany, I was, er, different. Well, not my first year. My first year I was loud and outspoken and had an opinion on things. I quickly learned that wasn't the way to go, toned back and kept my mouth shut. It was a survival instinct. I had tried finding another school, but no one offered my program. So I sucked it up.

So now there are things I think and say that surprise some people. I know this because one of my friends emailed me because she had heard I was "saying some controversial stuff" and wanted to make sure I wasn't completely heathen. As fun as it was to think I mattered enough to be gossiped about, it kinda made me rethink things. See, as much as I own my opinions, I still have this nagging need to have people like me. Flying under the radar again becomes my default.

Now, I've branched out. There are people who read this that have never even heard of BBC, it's not something that defines me anymore, and so it really makes no sense to have it define my thoughts (or at least how I express them).

Not that I really think anything I have to say is all that controversial. I just want to be able to use this as a sounding board for the things I'm working through. Of course, comments are always appriciated. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me why you disagree, build me up and teach me things I don't know. Let's have a conversation.

Well, assuming that people are still reading

Un-Normal

It's a wonderful thing to feel normal. To know that what you think, feel, believe and experience is validated by others. To be told there is nothing wrong with you, that someone understands, that it's ok because you're not the only one who does it. Normalizing is a powerful thing. It's also very dangerous.

One thing that humans as a society have come up with in order to live with each other are social rules, along with taboos. The ability to shame people for being different keeps most people in line. Those it doesn't work on weren't really seen as a threat because their numbers were so few. They were isolated, and heard mentality ruled.

Then came the internet. And suddenly, everything is normal. You can find anything on the internet, including people who will agree with almost any position. Suddenly there is no more shame, no more isolation, and you can follow the heard right into your own version of normal.

When I had my issues with self-injury was when I started spending more time online. One of the things I found was a support forum for cutters. That site simultaniously keep me sane and drove me crazy. It basically kept me right on the edge between healthy enough where I wouldn't need to cut and messed up enough to where I was a real danger to myself. Finally I had people who understood, I didn't have to feel guilty and ashamed, I was ok. It was ok. They did it too. It couldn't be so bad. It was normal.

See the problem?

To this day I have a hard time on those sites. As much as I would love to be a support for others, to show them that recovery is possible, I just can't do it. I don't have enough strength to remember that normal is not the same as good.

It's like holding an AA meeting at a bar.

I don't know how the culture can combat this. In some ways it's good - things are being brought to light that shouldn't have been hidden in the first place. Victims are being given validation, closure and healing as they come together. Cultures are being de-mystified and understanding is being shared.

In other ways it's a very dangerous thing, as not all information being shared is good and not all shame is bad. There are some things that should never be seen as normal.

Hana - 27 months

Hana is two. Every day I'm both reminded and amazed that she's two. Sometimes she seems so much older - she pretends, she plays, she understands, she shows empathy and she has the most hillarious conversations. Other times she reminds me just how frustrating being two can be - she doesn't always understand why she can't do things, she can't always express exactly what it is she wants or needs. She has big emotions that are hard for her little self to handle.

Her big thing lately is playing pretend. She loves playing in her kitchen and making dinner. I'll be sitting feeding Eli and she comes over with a plate and fork and tells me it's very good. She even sits one of her toys up at her table so she can feed it. It's ver cute. She has a play phone that she uses all the time and chats away while she does other things (wonder where she gets that....) and she loves playing with her own keyboard and mouse.

She loves doing things with me, no matter what I'm doing she wants to help and be part of it. IT can make things take longer osmetimes, but I love getting her involved. During Eli's nap I wrap her on my back while I make dinner and she thinks it's just the best thing ever.

The best thing lately is that she's finally (mostly) sleeping. After fighting to get her to sleep until midnight for a couple of weeks, we decided to cut out her nap. THings were difficult for a week or so, but she's settling into the new routine now. Best part is, she goes to bed at 7 and sleeps until 6 with only one wake up! Half the time she's not even really awake, she just comes out of her room, asks for Ben and then goes right back to sleep. Much better than being up with her for an hour or more, or her being up three times a night!

SHe's teaching me a lot right now. How to be patient, how to stay calm, how to frigure out what is really important. We have our moments, but things are much better right now than I thought they would be. I want to teach her how to handle her feeling when she just wants to explode. I want to show her how to communicate how she feels instead of just screaming and yelling. I want to let her know it's ok to feel frustrated and annoyed and disappointed sometimes. I want to let her know that I am aalways there to help her, no matter how bad my day is, no matter what time ofthe night it is. I want her to always know how much I love her and how blessed I am that she is my baby girl.

Eli- 6 Months

My boy is 6 months old. I can't believe how fast time is going. He had his 6 month check yesterday and he weighs 16lbs 12 oz! He's so fat and happy now. In fact, he's so fat his feet are round. It's adorable.

All day long he chats and sings and babbles. Loudly. I think he's trying to be heard over Hana. He adores his sister. Sometimes they just stare at each other and laugh, it's adorable.

He's now an expert at sitting. No rolling or crawling yet, but he's trying. Instead of swimming when he's on his belly he tries to push, he's just not quite strong enough yet. I don't mind him not being able to go on his on for a while longer - it makes my life much easier.

He's so jolly, so happy all the time. He has the best grin I have ever seen in my life and I get it almost every time he looks at me. The only time I've ever really seen him unhappy was when we stuffed him into his bunting bag to keep him warm. He looked so mad, it was adorable.

Progress

See that! It is technically a sweater. A very short one with no sleeves, but a sweater none the less.

I'm even still working on it. Actually the body is about an inch longer than it was when I took that pic earlier today. That was right after I divided the sleeves and tried it on her to see if it fit. So far so good. I'd like to get the body done this week and then the sleeves over the weekend. I already have a design in mind for Eli.

Knitting

I'm knitting a sweater. At least I hope what I'm knitting will become a sweater and not just another UFO at the bottom of my knitting bag that I cover with yarn so I don't need to think about.

Kim (my wonderful SIL) and I were talking about knitting and it's unfortunate association with old ladies. So I was showing her some Ravelry links to nice sweaters. We found this one that we both liked. I told her if she got me the yarn I'd make one for her. In my impatience (and this happened less than 24 hours ago) I decided to cast one on while I wait. Except it's a slightly smaller version for Hana.

The fun thing about that is I've had to modify the pattern. A pattern that I've never done before. A pattern for a type of sweater I've never knit. Should be interesting. I'll keep you updated (cuz I know wondering about my progress on the sweater is going to keep you up at night).

Creamy Potatoe Soup

This is my new favorite meal. It's super easy and tastes so good. Hana loves it too!

(I don't actually measure anything, so these are guesses, you might have to adjust to taste)
2 cups chicken broth
3 cups milk (I use soy, if using cow's milk, add flour so it doesn't go all nuts)
diced onion
2 cloves garlic
2 tbs butter
3 cups cubed potatoe
2 cups cubed carrot
pepper, salt, other spices to taste

sautee the onion and garlic in the pan, then add broth and milk. Heat, but do not boil. Add potato, carrot and spices, cook until veggies are soft. Take out some and blend, then add back to the soup (makes it thicker). I blend almost all of it - I like nice thick creamy soup. I also made a "cheeter" version today - I didn't have any broth or onion (really hate grocery shopping so I put it off) so I used water and onion soup mix. A little too salty for my taste (even with the low sodium kind) but still yummy. Ben and Hana also really like this soup, always a good thing. This makes a lot of soup - I'm debating freezing some or just having left overs all weekend.

Diva Convert

Warning: This post is about menstrual cups. If you don't want to know, stop reading.

Over the past few years, I have become (in the words of my mother) a hippie. It started with the babywearing, then the organic/whole foods, cloth diapers, reusable bags and now this: the Diva Cup.

Diva Cups are a brand of menstrual cup - reusable cups worn internally to catch menstrual flow. I know what you're thinking. No really, I know. When I first heard of them I thought it was the most disgusting unsanitary gross and all those other adjectives too, but somehow I've changed my mind.

I think it started with cloth diapers. Anyone who has switched to cloth realizes that washing poop off a diaper is much less icky than wrapping it up in plastic for all eternity (have you ever stopped to think how much poop is in a landfill? now that's gross!). Next came FAM (fertility awareness method, a form of natural, non-hormonal birth control) where I got to know my body better, inside and out, and got much less squeemish about discharge and that whole area. Finally, there was birth, with all it's discharge, blood and general ickyness. I don't know how anyone could be squeemish about such things after that.

Along with the cloth diapers, I had already started thinking about using cloth pads. The amount of waste with disposable pads and tampons is just insane, not to mention all the resources used in manufacturing them. I have issues with disposable products in general - it's intentional waste, used resources and packaging for something we intend to throw out. Doesn't sit well with me. Cloth pads seemed a good option, as they're reusable and preform the same function. They do, however, require upkeep and can get a little expensive.

Which lead me to menstrual cups. It didn't disgust me anymore (at this point I realize that a woman should never be disgusted by her own body), requires very little upkeep, and only cost 40$ (or about 3 months worth of pads). So I got one and this is my first cycle using it.

I thought it would be difficult to insert, but it wasn't. All it requires is knowing where your cervix is so you can place the opening of the cup around it. Using FAM I was good to go. I thought it might be uncomfortable, but I don't feel it at all.

Now, to be realistic, it is a little messy to insert, but hands are washable. And it would be a little awkward to do in a public restroom, but can be left in for 12 hours, so that would rarely be necessary. There is no risk of TSS like with tampons, because the cup doesn't absorb, it just holds. Most importantly, aside from the box it comes in, there is no waste.

Inconsistancy

Story of my life lately. So many good intentions falling short, good ideas left in waiting, commitments forgotten. Sigh.

I blame the weather - everything is shades of grey right now. We do get a lot of sun in our main room, but only for a few hours. It feels like the days are actually shorter, when really they're just darker, and it's hard to be motivated in the dark.

Still, not everything is being neglected - I had my first babywearing client this week and I think it went really well. I'm hoping to have a few clients each month - teaching them the importance and value of keeping their babies close in cloth carriers. Honestly I don't know how people do it without carriers, especially with babies like Hana. Eli is different - he's mostly just in a sling when we go out, not so much at home. Hana, on the other hand, is still wrapped at least once a day to help settle her for bed. She's also really started liking looking over my shoulder while I cook. It has the added benefit of keeping her from climbing on the table, always a good thing.

Every day I get up (far too early in my oppinion), clean, play, cook, think, spend time with my kids, make a few phone calls. I'm happy, I'm active (relative to a few months ago at least) and I'm feeling much more productive than I have in a long time.

There are still more things I would like to get out of my head and into writing, but I'm working on it. It's not about lack of time, but misplaced time, a lack of priorities. Baby steps.

Hana - 26 months

THe past month Hana has changed a lot. She's talking so much now - conversations, stories, imaginative play. The other day she and I were playing in her kitchen and she said "oh, mama very thirsty!" and then got one of her little cups, held it under her little faucet, and then gave it to me "here, drink of water, much better!" and I was so proud of her.

She's such a caring kid. Any time she sees someone sad - weather here or on tv - she gets this concerned look and says "oh, big hug." Sometimes she even says "needs milk" which I find cute - she picked that up from Eli waking up hungry and crying.

She knows the letters of the alphabet, can count to 15, builds towers with blocks, jumps, sings songs and picks up her toys. She's even learning hte yoga poses on the Wii fit. We have so much fun together.

She's still waking at least once a night, but we think it's some sort of odd sleep walking/sleep talking thing. One night she came into our room to tell us her diaper was broken. Another time she said she was very hungry and needed some toast. Last night she was screaming at the top of her lungs for a blue crayon. Most of the time she goes right back to sleep, but it would still be nice if she just stayed in bed. I keep telling myself it will happen when she's ready, and in the meantime we take every day as it comes.

Eli - 5 months

I can't believe he's 5 months old already. In fact, I'm so in shock about it that it hadn't even occured to me until now that I needed to do his update.

He's grown so much. Over 15lbs according to our Wii Fit. He has learned to sit and is trying very hard to get moving when he's on his belly. He laughs and grins and chews on anything he can get his hands on.

He's all boy. I have to admit I was a little nervous about raising a boy - I never really spent much time with little boys so it was an unknown. It's so natural tho. I can see his personality - curious, determined, intense. Whatever he's doing he puts all of his attention into. Play hard and sleep hard. And he does sleep. Two naps a day and wakes once at night, it's like a dream. All day long he's always thinking, doing, trying, and then when he sleeps he crashes and is so peaceful. It's a wonderful thing.

New Year

A few years ago I stopped having resolutions for the new year - they enver worked and weren't worth the eventual guilt. This year, however, Ben and I are planning something new for the new year.

We're going to do a 3 month no-spend. Inspired by this blog we're going to stop spending money. Thankfully, Ben and I don't have a debt problem - the government is paying back my school loan via my child tax credit and universal childcare benefit (take THAT people who refused to give me a government loan!) and our mortgage is less than a lot of people pay for rent. We don't have cable or cell phones and so have no guilt with our phone and internet plans. We're already fairly frugal with spending, but do have a weakness for junk food and Starbucks.

So here is the plan:
- groceries once every two weeks, max 150$ each trip.
This is higher than our usual grocery budget (120 every two weeks) but we usually eat out once a week and make weekend runs for snacks. I figure raising the groceries slightly will still cost less than what we were doing.

- 120$ a month for bulk.
This includes meat (we shop at Costco) and pasta, rice, nuts etc. I get at Bulk Barn. I doubt we'll spend that much, as we don't get everything every time we shop, but that's the max I can spend at one time to replenish.

- Formula for Eli and Diapers for Hana
Eli is full time in cloth, so that's not an issue. Hana was in cloth, then potty trained, and then peeing on my floor. We're trying different methods of pottying with Hana, but she needs disposables at night, otherwise she and the bed are both soaked in the morning.

- Go to the Gym
I have a membership and I will use it twice a week minimum. I'd like to be going three times a week, but we'll start slow.

Everything else is off limits. There is nothing else we need. At the end of the three months we'll see how things are going and move forward from there. I'm hoping I'll be able to cut back even more, but again, we're starting small. The hope is that we'll save enough to be able to get new flooring and paint for the house. We've been here over a year and the walls are still bare.

Christmas is very different than it has ever been for me. It has more meaning, more wonder, more awe and mystery. I look at my kids and I think of the sacrifice of God - incarnate, helpless, sent to be killed. I can't fathom it. It seems so odd, so wrong. I can't imagine an existance away from my kids, can't fathom sacrificing them for anything. And then I have a profound thought.

I am not God.

It's easy for me to become cynical about things this time of year, I admit. It's hard to reconcile peace on earth while war rages, hard to reflect on sacrifice while lives of excess are glorified, hard to celebrate the birth of a baby when so many children are starving to death. There are so many things I don't understand, that I can't even begin to reconcile, things I would do differently if I was, but I am not God.

And that is what brings me to my knees, gets me to a place where I can worship, where I can trust, where I can reflect on who He is. God incarnate, God who heals, Father God.

And the God who will make a way.

No matter what the cost, no matter how long it takes, God will make a way. There will be peace on earth, there will be comfort for those who mourn, those who ask will receive, because God will make a way, has made a way and is making a way each moment that passes.

I worship a God of mystery, of wonder, a God who seems illogical, who is above my understanding, a God who cares, who lives, a God of love, of sacrifice, a God who weeps, a God who understands. I don't have to understand, or agree, or be able to explain it. No matter how much I question, how frustrated the process makes me, I am always brought to this place. He is God, I am not, and I worship Him.

No one can call me lazy

Well, actually they could, and some days they would even be right, but not lately. Lately I've been crafty, and not even in the diabolical way.

I've been crocheting diaper covers for Eli, here's one, isn't it cute


And I made a sock monkey for Hana

(face to come later)

I've got another cover made and I'm going to start another one tonight. In other words, I'm trying to justify putting off wrapping Christmas gifts.

Unwritten

My blog is getting neglected.

It's not for lack of ideas - I have so many things I want to say. In fact, there is more than one half written draft just waiting for me to finish and publish. But I don't.
I get halfway through a thought and then wonder if it really matters, if it's worth my time to write about it, or yours to read it.

Plus I'm averaging about 6 hrs of sleep a night, and so I've been taking advantage of the days when both kids nap at the same time and sleep myself. When Hana is up and she sees me on here, she asks to play the typing game too. Ah well, it's good for her letter recognition I guess.

Why I Like Yarn

- Yarn allows me to be in control and does not require a detailed explanation in order to feel it has a say in what I'm going to do with it
- Yarn does not demand anything from me and then punctuate that demand with "pah-leeze!
- Yarn does not make any sort of mess on itself and require me to clean it
- Yarn does not wake me up in the middle of the night and then sedate me with an adorable little coo
- When interacting with yarn I have no fear of being covered in bodily fluids (aside from my own)

Feminism

Sparked by a discussion on one of my message boards, and reading this article, I want to share the following:

I am a feminist. I tried to convince myself (and others) that I wasn't for a long time, but then I realized that it was the way feminist ideas are presented that I didn't agree with, not the ideas themselves.

For instance, I think women and men are inherently equal partners, but different partners with complimentary strengths and weaknesses. These aren't just the obvious physical differences either. Men and women are so vastly different and these differences can show in any way imaginable and still be distinctly feminine or distinctly male. So many times it seems that the feminist movement tries to make women more masculine - "stronger", more forceful, less emotional and sympathetic, basically stripping them of the things that make them feminine. Except for their sexuality, of course.

Sexuality is portrayed as some sort of power card that equalizes. Unfortunately women don't realize that this is just another way for men to think they own us. There's talk of women being free to express and share their sexuality freely with anyone they choose, but if really given the choice, would they share it so freely? Sensuality should be celebrated, not used.

I fully agree that men and women should get equal pay for equal work, and that there shouldn't be vocational limits put on a person because of gender roles. At the same time, I believe men and women have inherently different traits (that manifest to different degrees depending on the person) and that these traits should be explored and used in whatever vocation a person chooses, not hidden or undermined. No doors should be closed based on gender as gender has no ties to ability, intelligence, skill or desire.

I believe in "girl power" - the power to create life, to birth, to nurture, to think with the heart. There is so much about being a woman that has been forgotten and overlooked. In Western culture the power of the feminine has been pushed aside and hidden to the point that those who talk about it are seen as some sort of fanatics. Even the power to be sensual has been taken from us and exploited to the point where women feel uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of their sexuality.

I feel that the cultural view of women, especially "strong" women only compounds the problem. Women are constantly feeling pressure and tension, torn between their emotions, their desires and the ideals they feel laid out in front of them by traditions, beliefs, media and society. At times it can feel that no matter what choice she makes someone is being let down or betrayed, usually it turns out that it is the woman herself.

I am a feminist. I am a woman with a degree who has chosen to stay at home with my children. I am a wife who chooses to submit to her husband and defer to his decisions, even when I disagree. I am slowly finding peace with my body and my sexuality as it is and not comparing it to the standard that the male-driven world tries to hold me to.

So not boreing

With all the chaos that goes with American politics, Canadian politics (like the Canadian version of far too many things...) often get overlooked. Well, no one can say that Canadian politics are boring now.

Not when the Governer General - the Queen's figurehead in Canada - is required to cut a trip short in order to settle things down in Parliament. It's basically the equivalent of mom turning the car around.

Harper's strategy of "agree with me or go dissolve government" backfired, and now things are getting messy. Everyone else has an idea how to clean up the mess - a proposed coalition government - but we're still a democracy, and it's up to the GG to decide if the Canadian people have a say in this.

I do not envy her position right now.

I was surprised when I heard about the proposed coalition, especially after the NDP focused so much on how Dion was not fit to be PM. Hrm. Kinda shot themselves in the foot there, haven't they....

The majority of Canada didn't want Harper back in power (actually, the majority didn't want him there in the first place), but since we can't agree on who we do want leading the country, Harper is what we got. There is no guarantee that if things go to vote as they are (with the Liberals and NDP as separate parties) things would be any different.

I talked to my dad about this (my personal political scientist) and his dream would be for Harper to step down and his Deputy to come into power. Then there's no more Harper and no Dion, everybody wins. Well, in his mind at least.

THis is just a bad time for this to be happening. Any decision the GG makes will postpone government taking any action on the economic crisis. To go to the polls again costs an astronomical amount (tho not nearly as much as the US elections).

It's such a mess I don't even know what I would like to see happen, it seems either way we're screwed.