Elimination Communication

After a few questions (and a comment telling me to "stop potty training Hana and let her be a baby!") I thought I'd try to give a bit of an explanation of Elimination Communication (EC).

Diapers have not always existed, nor are they used globally. EC is a natural way to deal with infant elimination (bowls and bladder) without diapers. However, most North Americans who EC do use diapers as a back up method, tho generally with baby on the diaper instead of diaper on the baby. This makes it easier to see when there's a "miss" and to better understand the signals.

Babies from birth signal before they eliminate. It could be a grimace or relaxed look on the face, wiggling to a certain position, making a certain noise, whatever. If you catch these signals and hold baby over an appropriate "potty" (bowl, toilet, sink, whatever...), they learn their communication is effective and over time will refine it.

There are different windows where it's recommended to start EC, but it can be done at any time, so long as the care giver is patient and observant. This is NOT the same as "infant potty training" where restraints or punishment are used in order to teach the child when to hold and when to release. It's very gentle and responsive to the baby's own body needs.

With Hana we EC part time. We actually started using a potty when she was almost 6 months old (when she could sit unassisted), but really started doing it when she was about 3 months. Hana had issues with her formula and was very constipated. Every night we would have "naked time" before bed and that's usually when she pooped. After a few weeks, she would not poop in her diaper, but would whine, cry, struggle etc. until we took it off. She trained us pretty well.

About a week before we bought the potty I was talking to a member of my babywearing group, her daughter is only a couple weeks older than Hana and had been ECed since birth. She said they went through only a couple of diapers a day. Less diapers means less wash, so it sounded pretty good to me, especially since we had already learned Hana's signals.

Last month Ben, Hana and I went away for the night to a church retreat, and forgot to bring the potty. Actually, it wasn't so much forgot as we didn't even think to bring it with us because she was so young. She didn't poop at all that weekend and was quite uncomfortable. When we got home we put her on the potty and within 5 minutes she felt MUCH better.

We're a little slack with catching Hana's pees, but she's teaching us to pay more attention. She's gone 3 hours with a dry diaper today, which is amazing considering the ammount of fluids we're filling her with because of the heat. She whines when she needs the potty, and goes within a minute or two of being put on it. It really is amazing that she's picked up on it so quickly. Then again, if you had the option to not sit in your own pee you'd probably learn pretty quick too.

Hana likes her potty. She'll sit there for a few minutes and play with her toys, and we take her off once she's done. There's nothing difficult or harsh about it at all. Every day I'm more amazed at her abilities, her personality and her ability to communicate her needs.

Arrived

Hana and I are in Saint John.

Ben's leaving Calgary tomarrow.

Our stuff is somewhere in Ontario.

in a word

We know the answer to "what's in a name?" but what about "what's in a word?"

There are times when people are careless with words and it works out to more than just semantics. Every word has more than one meaning - there are personal feelings, connotations and experiences that we each attach to the words we use and the words we hear. Something seemingly (and intending to be) innocent can come across completely insulting and offensive because of these hidden meanings.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the cultural or intended connotations that come with words. Things that show a bias in one direction or another, words that were originally intended to be derogatory.

Like not too long ago when there was the "nappy headed ho's" comment made. It wasn't meant to be an insult, but there is no denying what the original meaning was - to refer to a group of professional female athletes that way was insane, and mayhem ensued.

There are times when these comments are innocent - like when someone asks me what I "do" and I say I'm a mom. Any response including the word "just" (as in "oh, so you just stay at home?") kinda irks me a bit - because I don't "just" do anything. I work harder now than I thought possible. I don't fault people for this, I'm just using it as an example.

My point? Be more careful with your choice of words. Look at things from the other side, take into account the mindset of whomever is listening (or reading). There are so many negative attitudes and perceptions floating around that we have allowed by claiming ignorance, and they will never stop unless we start paying attention.

Flawed Logic

Something I was reading the other day pointed this out, I thought it was rather interesting.

We're told to be careful how we treat infants because we don't want to set up bad habits. For example:

Don't sleep with your child - you'll never get her out of your bed.

Don't respond to every little noise - he needs to learn to self soothe.

Don't always carry her around - you don't want her to get used to it.

and so on.

And yet....

We never hear anyone say:
Don't let your baby pee in his diaper, you'll never get him potty trained.

In fact, we EXPECT babies to eliminate where ever and when ever in their diapers for two years (or more!!!) and then learn how to use a toilet when they're developmentally ready. Too bad that attitude can't be transfered over to some of the other situations.....

(and some would argue that's it's completely backwards and it's the diapers that aren't necessary and cause problems...)

Suck Face

Over the last few days Hana has started giving kisses.

Usually that means grabbing our face and sucking whatever is closest to her mouth - nose, chin, cheek, it's all good for her.

I love it!!!!!

My mommy loves me...and some news....

In 3 sleeps my mommy will be here. And my nanny. Because they love me.....and because I have the cutest baby in the world.

They're flying in on Sunday, spending the week visiting, and helping us clean and pack, and then flying back east with Hana and I next Sunday.

I only have 9 days left in the city. Sigh. The time is going so fast and not going fast at all at the same time.

Most of our stuff is packed, and yet the house still seems SO full. We've given so much to Goodwill in the past two weeks I'm shocked we have anything left. I really don't know how we collected so many things we don't need in such a short period of time.

I'm really hoping Hana does alright with this move. It's such a big transition! There's just no way to keep her routine consistent right now, even having Ben home all day is odd for her. We're trying to keep fairly on her routine for going out and bedtime and such, but she's also transitioning her naps right now, so even that is a little difficult.

By the way, so unfair that we're loosing the second nap already! She's not even 9 months old! Anyway...

So next week visitors, then a week at my mom's, then a few days with Ben's family, then we'll land in Moncton.

As for the landing in Moncton, looks like things are going to be fairly smooth with all that. We've got a place to stay until we get settled (thanks Denise and Tyler!!!), and Ben has a job.

Yup, that's what I said, a job.

We found out a couple days ago, it's a factory in Springfield NB, so kinda far from Moncton, but it's something and we'll go from there. I'm just so amazed at how well things are working out for this move. So long as next week goes well, and the traveling (Hana, mom, nanny and myself by plane, my dad and uncle Dana in Dad's truck and Ben and his dad in our car), then we'll be able to relax fairly soon.

so...ah, that's what we've been up to...what's new in your life?

Question Everything

This is one of my new philosophies in life.

I will not accept something just because I am told I should.
I will take nothing at face value.
I will not expect myself to agree with every opinion from a certain source just because I agree with some of it.

Now of course I will still trust people (until given a reason not to), but there is very little from human sources that shouldn't be questioned.

As far as I'm concerned if something is true it can handle a question. If I am sold on something and believe it fully then I am not threatened when someone questioned or disagrees with it - that gives me the opportunity to better understand, refine and learn to express my position.

So I read, I question, I ask, I try to see things from opposing points of view. I've always done this to one degree or another, but I want to be more purposeful with it - no sacred cows, nothing off limits. If it's true then it can handle the question...if it's not then why would I want to believe it anyway.

truths

I believe in God the Father, maker of heaven and earth. I don't know how it happened, when it happened, or how long it took, but can't deny the fact that it is.

I believe in universal truth, ultimate right and wrong, and that such truth exists regardless of circumstances or belief.

I believe in grace, forgiveness, reconciliation, peace and the ability to find understanding in any situation.

I believe that all human life is sacred and that humanity comes with basic rights to food, water, shelter, safety, human touch, love, education, empowerment, and respect. I believe these rights exist regardless of ethnicity, religion, age, gender, sexuality, location, ability or any other human characteristic that can be exploited.

I believe that free will is the God given ability to make a choice, even if that means rejecting the good and embracing the the bad.

I believe in the Bible, that it is a continual revelation of God for those who seek Him.

I believe that peace can not be accomplished through war.

I believe that each person has a responsibility to do what they can for the well being of others.

I believe that wealth and prosperity exist so that everyone can be provided for.

I believe humans have the responsibility to be stewards and guardians of the earth and all animals, and that we are doing a horrible job.

I believe that more can be learned through listening to someone who disagrees with you than someone who agrees with everything you say.

I believe that respect should be earned and not commanded.

I believe that questioning authority, traditions, status quo and rules is essential for growth as a society.

I believe that a government should serve it's people.

I believe that God is bigger than human understanding.

I believe that more lives are changed through compassion than through judgment.

I believe anyone can say they would behave a certain way until they're faced with an unimaginable situation.

I believe in the power of women.

I believe that our differences only make us stronger when we are united together.

I believe that there is always a choice and to say other wise is to give up power to others.

I believe there is wisdom in other cultures, other beliefs and other people that we miss when we are too focussed on ourselves.

I believe that opinions, beliefs and ideas can and should be respectfully expressed so that everyone involved may be edified.

I believe that the status of children in western society now is similar to that of women through history and hope that common practices now will be appalling to those reading our history.

I believe that legalism is one of the greatest evils in the world and until people begin to question their motives, judgments and why they believe what they do, we will not see any change in our world.

I believe in peace, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love.

Crazy

There was an article published recently declaring that children as young as 6 months can lie. You can read it here.

Now that you're back, let's discuss.

The premus here is that there is nothing really wrong with the child when they cry, therefor they are lying and manipulating their care giver into responding to them. Seems basic enough. I'm sure everyone who's spent any time around kids has encountered this - baby cries, nothing seems wrong, you pick baby up, baby stops crying. So obviously they were just trying to manipulate you, right?

Or let's consider this. Baby has limited means of communication. Baby is feeling lonely, stressed, cold, uncomfortable, itchy, whatever. Baby cries and is picked up. Whatever was bothering baby suddenly isn't bothing them, they stop crying.

Yeah, sure, but the researches covered this, they said babies would cry, wait for a response, and then cry again. Well if most babies start doing this at 6 months then Hana is ahead of the curve. At around 4 months she learned that she could "call" to us when she woke up in the morning. It isn't really a cry, but I suppose that's what it would sound like if you didn't know what she was doing. That's how we knew she was awake and ready to get out of bed in the morning. She wasn't making us think something was wrong, she was just communicating in the only way she knew how.

So why do babies "cry for attention" - I have a theory. Babies start life with the ability to communicate. There are signals they make when they are hungry, when they need to eliminate, when they are tired, when they need to be held etc. The first few months of life is spent refining this communication. For example:

Mother is watching baby. Baby moves towards mother's breast. Mother makes no response. Baby moves hands to mouth. Mother makes no response. Baby sucks hands. Mother makes no response but wonders what's going on. Baby cries. Mother feeds it.

Next time things are similar:

Mother is watching baby. Baby moves towards mother's breast. Mother makes no response. Baby moves hands to mouth. Mother makes no response. Baby sucks hands and whimpers. Mother feeds it.

And the next time:


Mother is watching baby. Baby moves towards mother's breast. Mother makes no response. Baby moves hands to mouth. Mother feeds it.

Ok so it might not be quite so smooth as that and it takes a lot more practice, but you get the point. Baby and mother develop their own language in order to get things done. If these signals are missed in the early months then the baby resorts to crying. Not crying to manipulate, but crying because that's how they've learned to express their needs.

So why does this happen?

Because we live in a culture where children are seen as less than adults. Their needs aren't as important and need to be controlled, scheduled, or extinguished. We're told by relatives, strangers, friends and (most appalling) medical professionals that if we're not careful a baby will quickly gain power over us and manipulate us and we'll become slaves to our children. The only way to stop this is to very early teach a baby "who's boss". There's even the perpetuating myth that crying is good exercise for babies and is actually necessary for proper lung development.

Give me a break! Look at things from the eyes of the child. Hana is in the "grab everything and put it in mouth" stage. She's so funny to watch because her mouth is almost ALWAYS open waiting for whatever it is she's trying to get her little hands on. We're pretty good about keeping safe things within her reach, but every now and then she's grab a forbidden object (my glasses for instance), and we'll have to take it away from her. We try our best to always trade things because we want to teach her to give, not to take, but it's not always that easy. So she cries.

Now some would say she's crying so that I'll take pity on her and give her the object back.

I say she's crying because something she worked hard to get has been taken from her and she doesn't understand why. She's frustrated, confused, a little angry and has no other way to expect that. Yes, she'd stop crying if I gave it back (wouldn't you?), but that doesn't mean the purpose of the cry was to manipulate. I don't give it back. But I also don't dismiss how she's feeling. I let her know I understand she's frustrated and upset, but that she can't chew on x because of y. Then I try to find something that will make her happy.

Why do I react like that? Firstly because that's how I would want to be treated. Secondly because I want to teach her to name and express her emotions in a healthy way. Thirdly because I want her to see that her feelings are valid and important so that she'll learn to validate and respect the feelings of others.

There's this idea floating around that parents are either dictators ("because I said so" sort of thinking) or permissive (let their kids have whatever they want no matter what). As with almost everything else, there is middle ground. It is possible to set boundaries for children (because everyone needs healthy boundaries) without minimalizing their feelings, needs and wants. Yes, even wants. I get things I want but don't need (like tonight when I asked Ben to go get me some popcorn at 10 pm...my husband is too good to me!), so I extend the same ability to Hana. No, she won't get everything she wants, and as she grows up I'll t each her how to choose what is important, but right now I make those choices for her. I hate the language of control that is used when talking about parenting. We need to empower children, to support them in their emotions, in their explorations, in their desires. There's this cultural attitude that allows us to put adult motivation (manipulating emotions for a desired response) on a child's behaviour (having no way to express how they feel but crying).

Sigh...

It's human nature to learn behaviour through what we see and experience. If power is taken away from a child then they will take away power. If feelings are dismissed they become uncaring. I honestly think that if the world had a healthier view of children we would have a lot more healthy adults.

little things

apparently I have a lot to say today...

I went on a walk earlier and realized there will be some little things I'll miss about Calgary:

- having Planet Organic at the end of my street
- seeing jack rabbits EVERYWHERE - on my walk there was one hopping down the sidewalk towards me, then it crossed the road.
- seeing the mountains


And then there are things I'm really looking forward to when we get back to NB:
- seeing stars
- water (the bow river doesn't cont as water...)
- having all of my family close by

who'd a thunk it

(ETA: this is post #200, yay me. I should get a prize or something.)

Apparently my mouth isn't the only part of me that likes sweet things. The rest of my body does too!

THe past while I've been looking for alternative/natural body products. I have serious sensitive/dry skin issues. I've never found a face product I could use more than ever other day without getting a rash. I have to apply most lotions 3+ times a day to keep my skin from getting dry. In the winter it gets so bad that I have to always wear something soft against my skin because some of my clothes will actually hurt when they rub against me.

When I moved out here I found Lush. Absolutely wonderful products! Nothing I've tried there has ever caused a reaction, the lotions work all day, and the Dream Cream even made Hana's eczema go away! It really is wonderful stuff, but still uses additives/scents.

Then there was my hair. I have course, wavy/curly hair. For most of my life it's been dry and frizzy. I've recently learned that it needs moisture, oil, and to be left alone. So I've stopped washing it as often, wash with conditioner, don't blowdry and don't use a brush. It's much happier now, so soft and shiny.

So what does all of that have to do with sweet stuff?

Well, I've recently discovered that a bit of conditioner mixed with brown sugar makes an excellent scalp/body scrub. It's wonderful stuff. And once my scalp is all clean I deep condition my hair with a honey/conditioner mix.

Yup, sounds odd, but it works!
Here's the proof:


I love it. I really want to grow my hair long again (like, really long), so I'm hoping using this stuff will keep it nice and shiny and pretty. Plus compared to salon stuff, this is cheep!

Parenting

Have I mentioned how much I love being a mommy?
It's the most wonderful thing in the world. I'm in awe of my daughter, her curiosity, her personality, her excitement and joy in the simplest things. No really, the simple things. One of her favorite things to do is sit outside and try to eat the grass, she could do that for hours.

I'm a much different parent than I thought I would be. I remember telling Ben that after the first few weeks she wouldn't be in our room, and she'd never be in our bed. The reality - in our bed was the only way I could get her to nurse when she nursed, and she still sleeps in our bed when she needs to.

I also have stopped trying to count how many ounces she takes how many hours apart. I don't know how much she eats during the day, but it's obviously enough. Really the only sort of scheduling I do is with her sleeping, and it's on a schedule she fell into on her own. That's even changing right now, I think she's either about to learn to crawl or transitioning to one nap. I really hope it's crawling!

I had heard of elimination communication when I was pregnant and honestly thought it was a little insane. Now as I write this my 8.5 month old is sitting on her potty.

I didn't expect to parent like this, but the more I read, the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I wouldn't want to sit in my own mess. I wouldn't want to be left alone to cry myself to sleep. I want her to grow up respecting the needs of others, and that means respecting her needs.

As she's gotten older things have changed. I only wear her when we go out or if she's really cranky, where as before it was for 6-8 hrs a day. I let her fall asleep on her own for naps and bedtime instead of laying down with her or rocking her, but I still go in and comfort her if she cries. Usually if she cries going to sleep it means she needs to be changed or she's hungry. The rest of the time she's wiggled herself to the corner of her bed and is stuck. Last night she managed to spin completely around before going to sleep, her feet ending up where her head was when I had laid her down.

She's taught me so much. How to laugh, how to look at the world differently, how to make people around me smile. It's a wonderful thing, more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I'm a better person as her mother than I could have been on my own.

Whelmed

As in, overwhelmed.

In 10 days my mom and grandmother will be here for a week. I have 10 days to get packed and finish the list of things I need to do before I move. AHHHHH

Well, that's not completely true. I will be doing some packing when they get here, like the kitchen and such, and cleaning, but I want to get as much of it done before they arrive that I can. There just seems to be so much to do.

And then I have my usual problem as well. I'm isolating myself from people. I don't like saying goodbye. I can't handle it at all. So instead I just avoid people. I haven't gone to playgroup for a while, even though I could have. I don't want to go to church either, but I will at least this week because I'm supposed to be helping in the nursery. I should be spending time with my wonderful friends here, but instead I'm hiding. Sorry!

I can't believe how much junk Ben and I have. There's so much stuff that we're donating just because it's not worth it to bring it back east. We don't need it. Still, there's a lot we're keeping and taking, I just hope it isn't too much to fit on the truck. We'll see.

Teething Sucks

My poor baby girl. We've been going through this for MONTHS (like, since she was 3 months old) and still no teeth. She's working on three of them, her gums are all swollen and we can feel the hard bumps of teeth, but nothing has broken through yet.

Just when I think it's as bad as it can get and they've got to break through, it gets worse. The last few days have been really rough, she wakes up every hour or two in pain, she has a hard time eating, and nothing really helps. This means we have a very tired hungry and cranky baby girl. She's been sleeping in our bed because it's easier to sooth her back to sleep there, but it means Ben and I don't get much sleep either.

During the day it's easy enough to keep her happy and distracted, but at night things get much harder.

On another note, she now has 4 "words" - dada, nana, baba, and mama. As of right now she seems to use them randomly, but Ben says she says mama when she's tired and wants me. Dada seems to happen when she's having fun (whether or not Ben is here), and the other two are completely random.

She's also so adorably cute that I really don't care that much about how she keeps us up, extra snuggles during the night are definitely not a bad thing, and I know she'd much rather be sleeping too. I just hope it doesn't get any worse.

Pressures

There was an interesting illustration done at church last night. Four people were given balloons, and it was explained that the balloons were under internal pressure, and there was something in them. To get the something out they either had to increase internal pressure or external pressure. So they all stepped on the balloons and it was found that three of them had moldy garlic and the other had a Campino. The point was that the pressures did not determine what was inside, it just brought out what was hidden.

I thought it was a great illustration, and it gave me a lot of peace. The last two years have been wonderful and hard at the same time. There are parts that just completely sucked, and parts that were absolutely wonderful. And through it all, I've changed.

Through these rough things Ben and I have had to make difficult decisions. We've had to act on things in ways that surprised people. We've had to make choices that people don't understand and have questioned. We've had to look at things, both internal and external, things we had never really questioned, and evaluate them with new eyes.

There is nothing we regret, tho we had hoped some situations would have turned out differently. We're both different people than we were when we moved out here. Stronger, more assured, with more faith and more hope and at the same time with less expectations. I hope that as new challenges rise up against us we'll still have some of those good things left.

8 months

My baby girl is 8 months old. Wow how time flies.

I remember being pregnant this time last year, she was just starting to kick hard enough for other people to feel, I was huge, I knew she was a girl, and I couldn't wait to meet her.

Now, I'm just as amazed. She's so curious, so interested in everything going on. Yesterday in the line for starbucks she was on my back and one of the people behind me was having a staring contest with her. She usually would win, and then smile and laugh. It was great fun. She watches people, and she picks up on things. I can tell already she's going to be very intuitive and empathetic - if I'm stressed she will not go to sleep for me, no matter how much I try to mask it. Instead, she makes faces and noises and gets me to smile and relax.

She also has a very strong personality already, which doesn't really surprise me. That can be such a good thing, so long as it's nurtured. She'll have the inner strength to stand for what she believes, to make changes, to be someone. I need to learn how to encourage those things and learn to understand her so we don't end up clashing all the time. I'll have to learn how to pick my battles as she grows up.

She's beautiful and fun and talkative and I just love her to bits.

New Look

I hennaed my hair, what do you think?

Clarification

From my previous post.

I haven't fallen into the "I'm ok, you're ok, everything is relative" pit (because honestly I don't think such a thing really can work...if we all weren't living/doing what we thought was right then why would we be doing it?)

I just feel that making laws against abortion because God makes it clear all life is sacred is like putting a bandage on a paper cut after the arm has already fallen off and the person is bleeding to death. There is a much bigger problem that needs to be addressed, and until it is the little things can't really be fixed anyway.

Yes, there will be those who won't have an abortion just because it's illegal. They're also more likely to be the ones willing to sit and talk with a counselor about the far reaching effects of abortion and to seek out other options. We should put our energy into support, education and relationships with people, not into legislation that won't stop the real problem anyway.

World Police

A wonderful community that I'm part of (both online and in person) recently had a discussion in abortion. It was amazingly civil and I know I learned things and I'm sure others did too.

As would be expected, religion was brought into the discussion. It wasn't done in a derogatory way (well, at least it wasn't intended that way), but there was the "God says so, so there" sort of feel.

Things like that always make me uncomfortable. I am a Christian, I'm even on the conservative side of Christianity. If I see someone who I know has professed to be a Christian living in a way that goes against the core of the faith I feel an obligation to do something to correct the issue (in Hebrews we are told to "spur one another on towards love and good deeds" - spurring isn't always fun), however, for those outside of the faith, I see no justification for expecting them to live as I do.

See, the Bible was written to those who already had at least some interest in God, if not some connection with Him. the things written there, the rituals, observances, principles, they're for those who believe. There is not one command that I am aware of that was not written either to the Israelites (in the old testament) or to the new churches (in the New testament).

So when it comes to issues like homosexual marriage, abortion, premarital sex etc. I have very strong, biblically based opinions. But I can't take those opinions any further than those who have submitted themselves and chosen to live a certain way.

I think of it this way - there is no reason to assume that my belief in God is any deeper or more meaningful to my life than a Hindu's belief in their gods is. According to Hinduism the cow is a sacred animal. I choose to eat beef, and so under their belief system I have done something wrong. However, I can't be held accountable to it, because I'm not under that law.

And the same holds true for Biblical law - I don't have the right to hold someone to a standard that they are not aware of, especially one that requires an intentional decision to be under.

I don't think national laws should be dictated by religion - by ANY religion. I don't think that Muslim states should require everyone there to live as if they are Muslim. In the same light I don't think that so-called "Christian" nations should require that everyone act as though they are Christians.

Yes, I believe there is a right and wrong. I believe there is a God who will at one point judge everyone on earth. I don't know the standard of that judgment, however, and I'm not going to pretend I do. As far as I'm concerned if a person is living life without connection to God for whatever reason then anything they do after that doesn't really matter as far as eternity is concerned. And if they have or are seeking a connection with God as I know Him, then He will deal with whatever "issues" there may be, regardless of what I say. I am here to spur, it is God who convicts.

So while I'm pro-life and given the chance will do what is necessary to support a woman in the decision to keep her child (meaning I'm willing to take in a teen mother, to support treatment programs for mothers with addiction, to help financially and to just be a friend to someone going through the crisis of an unplanned pregnancy), I still think it's much better for a woman to have access to safe abortions rather than put the life of the mother at risk as well. As can be seen globally, abortions will happen, unless something dramatic happens to change the culture. It's sad, it's tragic, it's bad, but it exists and we need a much better way to deal with it than turning away and pretending it won't happen.