October Update

When I last updated about my kids, they were 6 months younger. Wow does a lot change in 6 months.

Eli is 15 months old. His favorite word is ball. He's not as verbal as Hana was at his age, but he is very mobile. He's toddling around like he's king of the world. He gives kisses in his own special way (read: bends down so you can kiss his head) and wants to eat everything in sight. He has 4 teeth with two on the way any minute now (please) and loves climbing things. In fact, he can get himself up on to all of the kids chairs we have. Unfortunately, he hasn't learned how to get himself down. He just sits there making his "stuck" noise until someone rescues him. He smiles all the time, this wonderful grin that just makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. He laughs all the time too, a true belly laugh, just like Hana. My kids make me enjoy life so much more than I ever thought possible.

Hana is aproaching 3 at high speed. She knows her birthday is on November 3. She knows she is going to be three. She knows her full name and that she lives in Moncton. She's learning letter sounds and how to use scissors. She has imaginary friends. In the last couple of months we've noticed a lot of changes with her. I swear someone is slipping her expresso behind my back. She never walks - she hops or runs or crawls or spins. She has this overwhelming need to touch or do or help with or hold or move or try or see or ask why about EVERYTHING. Example:

One day I was sitting (read: hiding) in the kitchen meditating (read: trying to gain a little sanity) when her blond little head peeks around the corner.

Hana: Mama, what are you doing?
me: I'm taking a little break babygirl (yes, I still call her babygirl, my mother still calls me boo on occasion, so I've got at least another 23 years with this nickname)
Hana: Can I come take a break with you?
me: No baby, not right now
Hana: Why mama?
me: Because if you were here it wouldn't be a break
Hana: Oh. After your done having break I can have a break with you?
me: ah, sure baby
Hana: Are you done a break now?

As exhausting as she is, she's so much fun. Every day when the boys nap we either do crafts or play with play dough or learn letter sounds or some other activity that's just for big kids, not for babies. She's very adamant that she is a big kid. Not a princess, not a boodle (one of my other nicknames for her), not a little girl. No no, she is a big kid, that's it.

As for Ben and I

He's doing well with school, has midterms next week, but he's not worried. He's really loving what he's studying and doing great with it. It's nice to see him so much less stressed and having time for things he enjoys and energy to spend with the kids.

Me, I'm doing great too. I'm knitting like crazy for Christmas but can't post details because family reads this (Hi everyone! Love you all!) but I'm pretty exciting about what's coming off the needles. Babysitting is doing well and we've got a pretty good routine going.

Life is good.

Dear Readers

I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. I'm sure I've left you wondering, I know I've spent time wondering if you're still out there.

See, I had a really bad year (read: decade) and after some particularly tough times during the summer (read: barely being able to function) the husband and I sat down to evaluate things (read: decided to start meds).

No really.

I've struggled off and on with depression since I was a teen. Through the troubles I had nursing, it was confirmed I had a serotonin* imbalance (the meds I tried to boost my supply messed with me, they were serotonin blockers. who knew.). I thought it was just a slight thing and kept doing what I always did when things were rough - eat well, sleep lots and try to ignore the desire to crawl into a hole and pretend I didn't exist. Only those things are really hard to do with two young kids and a husband.

This year was bad. The worst Ben has seen me (we met in 2001), I'd even say worse than when I was in High School because I didn't have the escape of classes and self injury. I was a mess. Angry, wanting to sleep all the time. Wanting to eat everything in sight. No patience for the kids or for Ben, isolating myself from my friends (sorry friends).

So I finally sucked up my fears and asked for antidepressants. It wasn't the stigma or anything that had kept me from meds before, it was a fear of what they would do to me (I have a nice family history of odd medical things/reactions) and I also didn't want to know what I had been missing.

Honestly, it was one of the best decisions in my life. I feel human, I feel free. I feel better than I did on the days I thought I felt good. It has made a fundamental change in the way I see myself and others. I don't feel like the scum of the earth. I don't worry about what people really think of me. I'm able to enjoy my kids and not feel like a horrible mother. I'm able to open up to my husband. When I smile it's because I'm actually happy rather than because I know I should feel happy.

Life has taken a huge upswing. We're in a church we absolutely love. Ben is back in school doing something he's always wanted to do (computer programming at NBCC). I'm still home with the kids (and a couple of extras). Life is good. Hopefully there will be more regular posts here now that I can think and enjoy again. Plus my kids are super cute and do funny things.



* HA! spelled that right the* first time
*er...spelled that one wrong....