Carma

Have you ever heard of Ca-r-ma?

It's a group that will trap, fix and release stray cats and release them again. This keeps the cats from breeding in the wild, but also respects that they become wild animals and doesn't force them to be re-domesticated. At the same time, when they get kittens, they fix them and adopt them out once they've been socialized. To socialize the kittens they give them to foster families. It's a pretty good system.

So, right now, we've got 4 kittens. Two arrived a week ago yesterday, two more a week ago today, one two days ago, and one was adopted yesterday. It's been wonderful. They're very scared for the first few days, and a couple of them still hide when we try to play with them, but they've come a long way. It's a wonderful thing to do, plus we get to cuddle kittens, what could be better than that?

Here's our kitties:






sigh.

I'm going to miss them when they're gone


And here's a picture of my punk baby, just because she's so cute

Update

- We're online again!
- My laptop died about two months ago
- Last week I replaced it with a 1.83 ghz mac mini
- I'm very happy with the mini

There were a few adjustment issues at first for Hana, but that was to be expected. She spent a few nights screaming for a couple of hours in the middle of the night. It was hard on us, but we all made it through it. She's rolling all over the place now, waking once a night again, but it's better than 2-3 times a night.

Ben starts his job on Tuesday, but it has no benefits, so he's still looking for something else. Be praying that something comes along.

I'm going to see Cirque de Soleil on Saturday with family and am super excited.

Pictures will be updated within the next 24 hours.

Soon

We're getting high speed on Wednesday. That means posts, pictures and updates are all coming soon.

Still here

Not online (nearly) as much, but still around. We're very happy to be settled and Ben started his job today. It's more travel than we'd like though. Our options are to find a different place to live (closer to the Sussex area) or to find a job closer to the moncton area. I'd personally prefer the latter, but we'll see. Pray for us. The sooner we get that figured out, the sooner we can look at getting our own place, which is the main goal right now.

circumstance

As I was about to go to sleep an idea was going through my head, so instead of sleeping here I sit typing.

I was thinking about the unchanging God - how Christianity boldy declairs God to be the same yesterday, today and forever. This has proven to be difficult for some people because of the differences between the Old and New testaments. It's almost as if the God of the old testament is one of wrath and the God of the new testament is one of love.

How do we reconcile this, how do we make it fit?

In the Old Testament the "holy life" was governed by law. There were the laws written in the Torah (the Jewish holy book) and then there were the teachings of those who studied and interpreted the law. For example, the Torah would say not to work on the Sabbath. The teachings would define what work was (no more than x number of steps away from home for example), and when the Sabbath began and ended. So these two forms of "law" and a whole lot of time meant for a whole lot of rules. These rules were impolssible to follow all the time, and so sacrifices were set up to sort of "fill the gap". Depending on what law was broken a different offering or form of repentance was laid out to cover that.

Then there's the new testament where the sacrifices and the laws seem to go out the window. What happened? Did God change His mind? Did He give up on us and lower the standards?

No. We changed. Or rather, our circumstances changed.

Think of it this way - in the Old Testament there were different rules for those who were "clean" than for those who were "unclean". There was a general understanding that "unclean" was a temporary state and so none of those laws were lifelong.

Humanity was in a state of "unclean" without method of changing that state. The Laws given in the OT were laws given with the understanding that they would be temporary. There was a better way coming, they just had to wait.

That's why things like not wearing blended fabrics, or not eating certain foods, or staying outside of town for certain things aren't important anymore - they only applied temporarily, only until the final sacrifice of Christ.

So does that mean none of the laws apply?

Hebrews 10 is a wonderful chapter. Starting at verse 8
8First he said, "Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not desire, nor were you pleased with them" (although the law required them to be made). 9Then he said, "Here I am, I have come to do your will." He sets aside the first to establish the second. 10And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all.


The intent of the sacrifices (the requirements of the law) was to set our hearts on the will of God, not the will of man. It is God's will to save us, to woo us, to love us and for us to grow in that love and show it to all we know. When our will is focussed on God then none of the law is needed - it's purpose is already being fulfilled.

When one is fully focussed on God, on living a holy life (which first requires the belief that it is possible to live such a life) then the law becomes obsolete. It only exists because of the circumstance we find ourselves in.

So God never changes - His pourpose is eternal. We are the ones who change, through His power, so that we no longer need the law and are truly free to live our lives in Him. That isn't to say that nothing is a sin when a person is devoted to God - no one can "get away with murder" so to speak. It just means that a person totally devoted to God wouldn't do those things, and so it's not an issue.

9 months

My baby girl is 9 months old. Here are some of the things I love about her:

- kisses
- her new found ability to sleep through the night
- her smiles
- the way she shakes her head no no matter what you ask her
- her little "seal crawl"
- how curious she is
- how she lets us know when she needs to potty and uses less diapers in a day
- laughing
- the proud look she gets on her face when she rolls
- the cute smile when she gets tired of being on her belly and lays her head on her arms
- the "fishy", "old man" and "sad" faces
- how well she's handled the traveling, new places and new faces the past two weeks
- everything else that makes her, her

She's the most amazing baby I've ever known. So sweet, sensitive, understanding. Those are qualities I admire in her and know will make her a better person. Every day I'm more in love with her. I can't wait to get to know her thoughts, her dreams, her understanding of the world.

A few things

- Ben and our stuff made it accross Canada, yay!

- Hana has slept through the night 3 nights in a row, another yay!

- I'm so used to getting up I still don't get uninterupted sleep, but now it's my fault...

- We'll be landing in Moncton on Wednesday

- Ben's job starts on Monday (13th)

- Hana has almost learned to crawl. She's kinda doing a seal walk right now, pushing up on her hands and pulling her legs behind her. She's also rolling on her tummy to sleep.

- It's wonderful to be with family and friends.

- I get to go see Cirque de Soleil at the end of the month. Yay again.

Feminism

For years I tried to tell people (and myself) that I am not a feminist.

Sorry, I lied.

See, I'm not one of those "man hating" feminists, and I'm not even al for the equality thing either (because honestly, if I were in a burning building I'd be much more comfortable with a man coming in to save me than a woman). I do very strongly believe that women should not be paid less for the same work, or be denied any sort of position, advancement or salary because they decide to start a family.

I appriciate (and would hope I could expect) for a man to hold the door open for me, or to treat me with old fashoned respect.

But I am a feminist.

I believe in the power of women - that women have a perspective, an intuition, a wisdom that men don't have. I beleive that the power of women is ignored and minimalized in western society. That instead of those qualities being seen as assets for the business world, women are encourged to masculate themselves or promote their sexuality in order to advance.

That's just wrong.

There's this idea floating around that educated women who choose to leave the "working world" to raise a family are doing some sort of grand injustice to the world (and to the rest of the women in it). I am personally offended by this. I have a BA and plan on furthering my education at some point. I may go back into full time work before I'm finished raising my children, I may not.

I think I will do a much better service to the world raising my children than sitting in an office (even if that happens to be a church office). That's not to say anything against mothers who choose to work - I'm talking about myself and nothing more. Everyone has their own strengths, their own abilities, their own situation.

I can't understand why there is such alow view of the stay at home mom. I know I used to think it was crazy. I thought I'd go completely stir crazy being home with Hana. I even planned on going back to work when she was 6 months or so, just to get out of the house. Now, being a SAHM and knowing some of the wisest, smartest, most creative women in the world who have chosen to SAH, I'm amazed. There is so much to do, so much to teach, to learn, to share, to experience.

I have time for relationships. I have time to make a difference. I have desires, passions, dreams - and the courage to follow them. I have a plan to make the world a better place, and I see it coming to light in my family.

Elimination Communication

After a few questions (and a comment telling me to "stop potty training Hana and let her be a baby!") I thought I'd try to give a bit of an explanation of Elimination Communication (EC).

Diapers have not always existed, nor are they used globally. EC is a natural way to deal with infant elimination (bowls and bladder) without diapers. However, most North Americans who EC do use diapers as a back up method, tho generally with baby on the diaper instead of diaper on the baby. This makes it easier to see when there's a "miss" and to better understand the signals.

Babies from birth signal before they eliminate. It could be a grimace or relaxed look on the face, wiggling to a certain position, making a certain noise, whatever. If you catch these signals and hold baby over an appropriate "potty" (bowl, toilet, sink, whatever...), they learn their communication is effective and over time will refine it.

There are different windows where it's recommended to start EC, but it can be done at any time, so long as the care giver is patient and observant. This is NOT the same as "infant potty training" where restraints or punishment are used in order to teach the child when to hold and when to release. It's very gentle and responsive to the baby's own body needs.

With Hana we EC part time. We actually started using a potty when she was almost 6 months old (when she could sit unassisted), but really started doing it when she was about 3 months. Hana had issues with her formula and was very constipated. Every night we would have "naked time" before bed and that's usually when she pooped. After a few weeks, she would not poop in her diaper, but would whine, cry, struggle etc. until we took it off. She trained us pretty well.

About a week before we bought the potty I was talking to a member of my babywearing group, her daughter is only a couple weeks older than Hana and had been ECed since birth. She said they went through only a couple of diapers a day. Less diapers means less wash, so it sounded pretty good to me, especially since we had already learned Hana's signals.

Last month Ben, Hana and I went away for the night to a church retreat, and forgot to bring the potty. Actually, it wasn't so much forgot as we didn't even think to bring it with us because she was so young. She didn't poop at all that weekend and was quite uncomfortable. When we got home we put her on the potty and within 5 minutes she felt MUCH better.

We're a little slack with catching Hana's pees, but she's teaching us to pay more attention. She's gone 3 hours with a dry diaper today, which is amazing considering the ammount of fluids we're filling her with because of the heat. She whines when she needs the potty, and goes within a minute or two of being put on it. It really is amazing that she's picked up on it so quickly. Then again, if you had the option to not sit in your own pee you'd probably learn pretty quick too.

Hana likes her potty. She'll sit there for a few minutes and play with her toys, and we take her off once she's done. There's nothing difficult or harsh about it at all. Every day I'm more amazed at her abilities, her personality and her ability to communicate her needs.

Arrived

Hana and I are in Saint John.

Ben's leaving Calgary tomarrow.

Our stuff is somewhere in Ontario.

in a word

We know the answer to "what's in a name?" but what about "what's in a word?"

There are times when people are careless with words and it works out to more than just semantics. Every word has more than one meaning - there are personal feelings, connotations and experiences that we each attach to the words we use and the words we hear. Something seemingly (and intending to be) innocent can come across completely insulting and offensive because of these hidden meanings.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about the cultural or intended connotations that come with words. Things that show a bias in one direction or another, words that were originally intended to be derogatory.

Like not too long ago when there was the "nappy headed ho's" comment made. It wasn't meant to be an insult, but there is no denying what the original meaning was - to refer to a group of professional female athletes that way was insane, and mayhem ensued.

There are times when these comments are innocent - like when someone asks me what I "do" and I say I'm a mom. Any response including the word "just" (as in "oh, so you just stay at home?") kinda irks me a bit - because I don't "just" do anything. I work harder now than I thought possible. I don't fault people for this, I'm just using it as an example.

My point? Be more careful with your choice of words. Look at things from the other side, take into account the mindset of whomever is listening (or reading). There are so many negative attitudes and perceptions floating around that we have allowed by claiming ignorance, and they will never stop unless we start paying attention.

Flawed Logic

Something I was reading the other day pointed this out, I thought it was rather interesting.

We're told to be careful how we treat infants because we don't want to set up bad habits. For example:

Don't sleep with your child - you'll never get her out of your bed.

Don't respond to every little noise - he needs to learn to self soothe.

Don't always carry her around - you don't want her to get used to it.

and so on.

And yet....

We never hear anyone say:
Don't let your baby pee in his diaper, you'll never get him potty trained.

In fact, we EXPECT babies to eliminate where ever and when ever in their diapers for two years (or more!!!) and then learn how to use a toilet when they're developmentally ready. Too bad that attitude can't be transfered over to some of the other situations.....

(and some would argue that's it's completely backwards and it's the diapers that aren't necessary and cause problems...)

Suck Face

Over the last few days Hana has started giving kisses.

Usually that means grabbing our face and sucking whatever is closest to her mouth - nose, chin, cheek, it's all good for her.

I love it!!!!!

My mommy loves me...and some news....

In 3 sleeps my mommy will be here. And my nanny. Because they love me.....and because I have the cutest baby in the world.

They're flying in on Sunday, spending the week visiting, and helping us clean and pack, and then flying back east with Hana and I next Sunday.

I only have 9 days left in the city. Sigh. The time is going so fast and not going fast at all at the same time.

Most of our stuff is packed, and yet the house still seems SO full. We've given so much to Goodwill in the past two weeks I'm shocked we have anything left. I really don't know how we collected so many things we don't need in such a short period of time.

I'm really hoping Hana does alright with this move. It's such a big transition! There's just no way to keep her routine consistent right now, even having Ben home all day is odd for her. We're trying to keep fairly on her routine for going out and bedtime and such, but she's also transitioning her naps right now, so even that is a little difficult.

By the way, so unfair that we're loosing the second nap already! She's not even 9 months old! Anyway...

So next week visitors, then a week at my mom's, then a few days with Ben's family, then we'll land in Moncton.

As for the landing in Moncton, looks like things are going to be fairly smooth with all that. We've got a place to stay until we get settled (thanks Denise and Tyler!!!), and Ben has a job.

Yup, that's what I said, a job.

We found out a couple days ago, it's a factory in Springfield NB, so kinda far from Moncton, but it's something and we'll go from there. I'm just so amazed at how well things are working out for this move. So long as next week goes well, and the traveling (Hana, mom, nanny and myself by plane, my dad and uncle Dana in Dad's truck and Ben and his dad in our car), then we'll be able to relax fairly soon.

so...ah, that's what we've been up to...what's new in your life?

Question Everything

This is one of my new philosophies in life.

I will not accept something just because I am told I should.
I will take nothing at face value.
I will not expect myself to agree with every opinion from a certain source just because I agree with some of it.

Now of course I will still trust people (until given a reason not to), but there is very little from human sources that shouldn't be questioned.

As far as I'm concerned if something is true it can handle a question. If I am sold on something and believe it fully then I am not threatened when someone questioned or disagrees with it - that gives me the opportunity to better understand, refine and learn to express my position.

So I read, I question, I ask, I try to see things from opposing points of view. I've always done this to one degree or another, but I want to be more purposeful with it - no sacred cows, nothing off limits. If it's true then it can handle the question...if it's not then why would I want to believe it anyway.

truths

I believe in God the Father, maker of heaven and earth. I don't know how it happened, when it happened, or how long it took, but can't deny the fact that it is.

I believe in universal truth, ultimate right and wrong, and that such truth exists regardless of circumstances or belief.

I believe in grace, forgiveness, reconciliation, peace and the ability to find understanding in any situation.

I believe that all human life is sacred and that humanity comes with basic rights to food, water, shelter, safety, human touch, love, education, empowerment, and respect. I believe these rights exist regardless of ethnicity, religion, age, gender, sexuality, location, ability or any other human characteristic that can be exploited.

I believe that free will is the God given ability to make a choice, even if that means rejecting the good and embracing the the bad.

I believe in the Bible, that it is a continual revelation of God for those who seek Him.

I believe that peace can not be accomplished through war.

I believe that each person has a responsibility to do what they can for the well being of others.

I believe that wealth and prosperity exist so that everyone can be provided for.

I believe humans have the responsibility to be stewards and guardians of the earth and all animals, and that we are doing a horrible job.

I believe that more can be learned through listening to someone who disagrees with you than someone who agrees with everything you say.

I believe that respect should be earned and not commanded.

I believe that questioning authority, traditions, status quo and rules is essential for growth as a society.

I believe that a government should serve it's people.

I believe that God is bigger than human understanding.

I believe that more lives are changed through compassion than through judgment.

I believe anyone can say they would behave a certain way until they're faced with an unimaginable situation.

I believe in the power of women.

I believe that our differences only make us stronger when we are united together.

I believe that there is always a choice and to say other wise is to give up power to others.

I believe there is wisdom in other cultures, other beliefs and other people that we miss when we are too focussed on ourselves.

I believe that opinions, beliefs and ideas can and should be respectfully expressed so that everyone involved may be edified.

I believe that the status of children in western society now is similar to that of women through history and hope that common practices now will be appalling to those reading our history.

I believe that legalism is one of the greatest evils in the world and until people begin to question their motives, judgments and why they believe what they do, we will not see any change in our world.

I believe in peace, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love.

Crazy

There was an article published recently declaring that children as young as 6 months can lie. You can read it here.

Now that you're back, let's discuss.

The premus here is that there is nothing really wrong with the child when they cry, therefor they are lying and manipulating their care giver into responding to them. Seems basic enough. I'm sure everyone who's spent any time around kids has encountered this - baby cries, nothing seems wrong, you pick baby up, baby stops crying. So obviously they were just trying to manipulate you, right?

Or let's consider this. Baby has limited means of communication. Baby is feeling lonely, stressed, cold, uncomfortable, itchy, whatever. Baby cries and is picked up. Whatever was bothering baby suddenly isn't bothing them, they stop crying.

Yeah, sure, but the researches covered this, they said babies would cry, wait for a response, and then cry again. Well if most babies start doing this at 6 months then Hana is ahead of the curve. At around 4 months she learned that she could "call" to us when she woke up in the morning. It isn't really a cry, but I suppose that's what it would sound like if you didn't know what she was doing. That's how we knew she was awake and ready to get out of bed in the morning. She wasn't making us think something was wrong, she was just communicating in the only way she knew how.

So why do babies "cry for attention" - I have a theory. Babies start life with the ability to communicate. There are signals they make when they are hungry, when they need to eliminate, when they are tired, when they need to be held etc. The first few months of life is spent refining this communication. For example:

Mother is watching baby. Baby moves towards mother's breast. Mother makes no response. Baby moves hands to mouth. Mother makes no response. Baby sucks hands. Mother makes no response but wonders what's going on. Baby cries. Mother feeds it.

Next time things are similar:

Mother is watching baby. Baby moves towards mother's breast. Mother makes no response. Baby moves hands to mouth. Mother makes no response. Baby sucks hands and whimpers. Mother feeds it.

And the next time:


Mother is watching baby. Baby moves towards mother's breast. Mother makes no response. Baby moves hands to mouth. Mother feeds it.

Ok so it might not be quite so smooth as that and it takes a lot more practice, but you get the point. Baby and mother develop their own language in order to get things done. If these signals are missed in the early months then the baby resorts to crying. Not crying to manipulate, but crying because that's how they've learned to express their needs.

So why does this happen?

Because we live in a culture where children are seen as less than adults. Their needs aren't as important and need to be controlled, scheduled, or extinguished. We're told by relatives, strangers, friends and (most appalling) medical professionals that if we're not careful a baby will quickly gain power over us and manipulate us and we'll become slaves to our children. The only way to stop this is to very early teach a baby "who's boss". There's even the perpetuating myth that crying is good exercise for babies and is actually necessary for proper lung development.

Give me a break! Look at things from the eyes of the child. Hana is in the "grab everything and put it in mouth" stage. She's so funny to watch because her mouth is almost ALWAYS open waiting for whatever it is she's trying to get her little hands on. We're pretty good about keeping safe things within her reach, but every now and then she's grab a forbidden object (my glasses for instance), and we'll have to take it away from her. We try our best to always trade things because we want to teach her to give, not to take, but it's not always that easy. So she cries.

Now some would say she's crying so that I'll take pity on her and give her the object back.

I say she's crying because something she worked hard to get has been taken from her and she doesn't understand why. She's frustrated, confused, a little angry and has no other way to expect that. Yes, she'd stop crying if I gave it back (wouldn't you?), but that doesn't mean the purpose of the cry was to manipulate. I don't give it back. But I also don't dismiss how she's feeling. I let her know I understand she's frustrated and upset, but that she can't chew on x because of y. Then I try to find something that will make her happy.

Why do I react like that? Firstly because that's how I would want to be treated. Secondly because I want to teach her to name and express her emotions in a healthy way. Thirdly because I want her to see that her feelings are valid and important so that she'll learn to validate and respect the feelings of others.

There's this idea floating around that parents are either dictators ("because I said so" sort of thinking) or permissive (let their kids have whatever they want no matter what). As with almost everything else, there is middle ground. It is possible to set boundaries for children (because everyone needs healthy boundaries) without minimalizing their feelings, needs and wants. Yes, even wants. I get things I want but don't need (like tonight when I asked Ben to go get me some popcorn at 10 pm...my husband is too good to me!), so I extend the same ability to Hana. No, she won't get everything she wants, and as she grows up I'll t each her how to choose what is important, but right now I make those choices for her. I hate the language of control that is used when talking about parenting. We need to empower children, to support them in their emotions, in their explorations, in their desires. There's this cultural attitude that allows us to put adult motivation (manipulating emotions for a desired response) on a child's behaviour (having no way to express how they feel but crying).

Sigh...

It's human nature to learn behaviour through what we see and experience. If power is taken away from a child then they will take away power. If feelings are dismissed they become uncaring. I honestly think that if the world had a healthier view of children we would have a lot more healthy adults.

little things

apparently I have a lot to say today...

I went on a walk earlier and realized there will be some little things I'll miss about Calgary:

- having Planet Organic at the end of my street
- seeing jack rabbits EVERYWHERE - on my walk there was one hopping down the sidewalk towards me, then it crossed the road.
- seeing the mountains


And then there are things I'm really looking forward to when we get back to NB:
- seeing stars
- water (the bow river doesn't cont as water...)
- having all of my family close by

who'd a thunk it

(ETA: this is post #200, yay me. I should get a prize or something.)

Apparently my mouth isn't the only part of me that likes sweet things. The rest of my body does too!

THe past while I've been looking for alternative/natural body products. I have serious sensitive/dry skin issues. I've never found a face product I could use more than ever other day without getting a rash. I have to apply most lotions 3+ times a day to keep my skin from getting dry. In the winter it gets so bad that I have to always wear something soft against my skin because some of my clothes will actually hurt when they rub against me.

When I moved out here I found Lush. Absolutely wonderful products! Nothing I've tried there has ever caused a reaction, the lotions work all day, and the Dream Cream even made Hana's eczema go away! It really is wonderful stuff, but still uses additives/scents.

Then there was my hair. I have course, wavy/curly hair. For most of my life it's been dry and frizzy. I've recently learned that it needs moisture, oil, and to be left alone. So I've stopped washing it as often, wash with conditioner, don't blowdry and don't use a brush. It's much happier now, so soft and shiny.

So what does all of that have to do with sweet stuff?

Well, I've recently discovered that a bit of conditioner mixed with brown sugar makes an excellent scalp/body scrub. It's wonderful stuff. And once my scalp is all clean I deep condition my hair with a honey/conditioner mix.

Yup, sounds odd, but it works!
Here's the proof:


I love it. I really want to grow my hair long again (like, really long), so I'm hoping using this stuff will keep it nice and shiny and pretty. Plus compared to salon stuff, this is cheep!

Parenting

Have I mentioned how much I love being a mommy?
It's the most wonderful thing in the world. I'm in awe of my daughter, her curiosity, her personality, her excitement and joy in the simplest things. No really, the simple things. One of her favorite things to do is sit outside and try to eat the grass, she could do that for hours.

I'm a much different parent than I thought I would be. I remember telling Ben that after the first few weeks she wouldn't be in our room, and she'd never be in our bed. The reality - in our bed was the only way I could get her to nurse when she nursed, and she still sleeps in our bed when she needs to.

I also have stopped trying to count how many ounces she takes how many hours apart. I don't know how much she eats during the day, but it's obviously enough. Really the only sort of scheduling I do is with her sleeping, and it's on a schedule she fell into on her own. That's even changing right now, I think she's either about to learn to crawl or transitioning to one nap. I really hope it's crawling!

I had heard of elimination communication when I was pregnant and honestly thought it was a little insane. Now as I write this my 8.5 month old is sitting on her potty.

I didn't expect to parent like this, but the more I read, the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. I wouldn't want to sit in my own mess. I wouldn't want to be left alone to cry myself to sleep. I want her to grow up respecting the needs of others, and that means respecting her needs.

As she's gotten older things have changed. I only wear her when we go out or if she's really cranky, where as before it was for 6-8 hrs a day. I let her fall asleep on her own for naps and bedtime instead of laying down with her or rocking her, but I still go in and comfort her if she cries. Usually if she cries going to sleep it means she needs to be changed or she's hungry. The rest of the time she's wiggled herself to the corner of her bed and is stuck. Last night she managed to spin completely around before going to sleep, her feet ending up where her head was when I had laid her down.

She's taught me so much. How to laugh, how to look at the world differently, how to make people around me smile. It's a wonderful thing, more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. I'm a better person as her mother than I could have been on my own.