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say hi to my baby!

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Ultrasound Jitters

My ultra sound is on Tuesday, and I'm so excited. I'm also really scared. I thought it would be just so reassuring to see the baby and know tht everything is alright, but what if we see that it isn't. What if there is an abnormality? What if it is measuring smaller than it's supposed to? What if there are three or four babies in there? I know there's no reason to be so nervous and I know the chances of everything being just great are high, but I still get nervous. Prayers over the next week will really be aprciated

Lately.....

- Things have been pretty stressful at work, getting used to a new manager and a bunch of changes has been frustrating on everyone. The good news is one of the people I work with is becomming a good friend.

- I've been feeling much better. I'm not so nausious anymore and I'm getting my apitite and energy back. I still need 10 hours of sleep a night and sometimes a nap in the evenings, but I don't feel like I'm going to fall asleep on my feet anymore.

- Joy (who will be poping out twins on June 7th or sooner) looked at me the other day and said in a very serious tone "I just have a feeling you're having twins"

- I have my first ultrasound next Tuesday, which will confirm that there is only one baby....i hope....lol

- Ben got a raise! not much, but always helpful

- We had 56 people at church on Sunday (60 if you count the custodian and the unborns)

- I have a lot of really good things I want to blog, it just never seems to happen lately

Stress and pain

THe last two weeks have been hard and horrible. No, there is nothing wrong with the pregnancy, this has nothing to do at all with me being pregnant, except that the extra hormones have caused me to cry a lot more in the last two weeks than I have for a very long time.

Things with family, things with friends, things with work have all been really hard this week. God is amazing though, He prepared me and has been with me, even when I was foolish enough to forget it. Right now I just feel very empty and alone. Some days part of me wants to just pack up and go somewhere else, try again, start over - but I know that isn't what I really want or need to do. I love it here, and I know this is where I am to be, at least for now. Some days I wonder if I can really do this - whatever this happens to be at the time.

I hope all of the rotteness of the last two weeks is over. I hope I can relax and enjoy this week. I know that God will take care of everything, but sometimes in the waiting it's hard.

Joys of pregnancy

I'm 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. So far I havn't acutally been sick, but I do feel pretty nausous most of the time. And tired, so so very tired! I feel so sluggish most of the time, but still manage to get things done. I'm also very teary the last few days, but have so far managed not to make a public specticle of myself.

Other than that, being pregnant is amazing. And those little problems are really no problem at all. It's nothing I can't handle and nothing I would want to trade for anything in the world. I have a little baby growing inside me - a whole little person who's being formed. I can't wait til I start showing and I'm so excited to actually feel the baby moving inside me. It still feels unreal most of the time.

I also have to keep myself from worrying. I'm eating well and getting enough sleep, taking my vitamines and such, so I know really there's nothing to worry about, but there are things that we can't control, and it's hard for me to trust God's power when I feel so powerless.

I'm loving being pregnant. It's an amazing and indescribable feeling.

Joy of Joys

I've been trying to tell as many people as possible personally, but some of you are just too bloody hard to get a hold of!

I found out on Friday that Ben and I will be having a baby. From my calculations I'm 5 weeks pregnant, we have a Dr. appointment on Wednesday so we'll have a better idea then.

We've been wanting and hoping for a baby for, well, since we got married really, and we couldn't be more happy or excited.

Amazing God

Is't it amazing how wrong we can be sometimes. Isn't it such a shame how we allow fears to drive us instead of folowing what God wants us to do, even when we claim to know that He will never do anything to harm us. Except i don't think fear is the real problem, because it's usually not fear for our lives that stops us, but fear for our reputation, fear of changing how others view us, which is not fear at all, but pride.

I've been working through some stuff lately, and the result is wonderful, even when part of me feared that to deal with this issue would destroy me. My past was haunting me again, but God has shown me that it has no power over me, that He has already redeemed me, and now it is up to me to claim my position as His chosen.

I Will Celebrate

Today marks five years that I have lived without intentionally harming myself. Yes, it's also Valentines day, but I've never really needed an excuse to tell those close to me that I love them. The two days have absolutely nothing to do with eachother, except that I am reminded of just how much God loves me.


Five years ago, after telling God that He had to fix me or I was giving up, it was as if the Spirit gave a sigh of relief. God had been trying to get to me, trying to show me that He would love me deeper than I had been hurt, that His care would go further than the damage that had been done, that He would mould me back into the person that He created me to be, the person that He always saw me as. And finally I let Him.

No, it didn't happen instantly, well, at least not all of it. For much of my life up to that point I had lived with what I called the shadow. It was the darkness and heaviness that seemed to consume me, the voice in my head telling me all the horrible things about myself that I wished weren't true. When I worke up on Feb 14 2001 the shadow was gone. I smiled. I felt alive in a way that I had very seldom experienced. For the first time in years I wore a skirt without shorts underneath to hide my scars (or blood from possible additions). It was my day. I was free. Free to start healing.

Healing has been a long process. Everything didn't just go away, I had to deal with issues....I still have to deal with some of them. But I learned God's immense love.

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higer than this wordly place
Longer than the road I traveled
Wider than the gap You fill


I wish I could truly express the truth of that song. I thought that if God knew the depths of my sin, of my pain, of what I had gone through, He would abandon me. I have learned in the last five years that God can take the most horrible circumstances and use them for His glory. I thought that if people knew the secrets I kept that they would say horrible things to me and about me....I learned that most people have amazing understanding and grace, and when they don't, God makes up for it. I thought that I would be forever struggling, forever crippled, forever bound to the cycle of pain.

I have learned what it means to be free.

There are still days that the thoughts enter my mind, but it's more like a memory than a desire. This time of year is especially hard on me, but it gets better each time.

Today was my day, and it was good. Each day I live is a gift that I was ready to throw away, and I am so thankful for God's grace and patience and all He has done for me.

Ritual Mourning

today is a bad day. It's an intentional bad day tho, so it's not all bad. Let me explain...

Hello, my name is stephanie, i'm a recovering cutter
(hi stephanie)

From the time i was in fifth grade until 5 years ago today i was a cutter. things weren't always good, and then they got bad, that was my way of dealing with it. Sometimes i would hurt myself (i also burrned and tried other forms of self harm) multiple times a day, sometimes i would go for months without even thinking about it. I thought i was a freak, that i was a horrible awful person, then i realized that there are a lot of people who had the same problem (estimates are between 5 and 10% of the population, but i would guess higher) and i started calling myself a cutter. it was a badge of honour and shame, a secret hidden part of me that few could know about.

I tried to stop a few times, it seemed simple, just don't do it. It's not that simple. There are chemices released whenever a person is injured that bring a calming feeling, and like any other chemicle, it can be addictive. There were days that even when I didn't want to cut I *needed* to, and then any time life got hard again it was impossible to resist. I couldn't go for help, I couldn't even tell God about it, I felt disgusting.

Finally, February 13, 2001, I had enough. I felt fake, numb, lifeless, horrible and I was sick of it. I gave God an ultimatum - either He fixed me or I was done with life. I had cut that night, and the night before, and a few times the day before that, and I was sick of it. I refused to live that way any longer.

That night was one of the worst I can remember. And I refuse to forget it. God delivered me - I will celebrate (and explain) that deliverance tomarrow, but tonight I remember. I don't want to forget what I went through, what I came from, what God did in my life. Like the worman who poured oil on Jesus' feet - i love much because i have been forgiven much.

Out of town

Ben and I are heading down to Rapid City SD for the pastors and wives....i mean spouses retreat. See you next Friday!

Fighting Well

One of the girls I work with asked me the other day if Ben and I ever fight. If you know me, you know the answer. I am a passionate fighter from a long line of good distinguished fighters both of the inebriated and non-inebriated persuasion. Over the years I've trained in various aruments and debates, honing my skills. What you may not realize if you know Ben and I is that he is a fighter as well.

Maybe I should clarify what I mean by fighting, I wouldn't want to start any nasty rumers or have anyone having misconceptions about our relationship. What I mean by fighting is that Ben and I stand up for what we think, feel, and believe, we're honest in those three areas which inevitably leads to disagreements which need to be sorted out.

It took Ben a while to learn how to fight. His (and most people's) reaction to conflight is to run and hide or otherwise make it go away. Basically he would back down in hopes of making me happy. It was a sweet gesture, but wasn't what i wanted.

There is something so special in knowing someone is willing to stand up for what they think, that they will passionatly share with you waht is in their heart and try and make you understand, even if the process is difficult. Arguments, disagreemnts, fights, whatever you want to call them, allow us to get to know one another, makes sure that there is nothing interfeaing with the relationship. But only if it is done well.

Ben and I have learned how to fight well. Or should I say we're learning how to fight well. Usually we can get through a disagreement wihtut any feelings hurt, but we're not perfect. We have rules. We can't go back over thigns that are already delt with. Thats been hard for me, i tend to bring up old stuff, it gets ugly. I've also had to learn to not raise my voice so much (and Ben has learned to raise his a bit). We also can't make things bigger than they are. We can deal with being frustrated because something isn't done, dealing with soeone being a complete and utter failure is a bit harder.

The most important thing about fighting well is to always clear the air before the end of the day. There are times that we do leave the situation still angry because sometimes fights start before work etc. but the day can't end until we're settled, happy, and have a greater understanding of eachother. We're not trying to win, we're not trying to be right, we're trying to understand and be understood.

On Being Married

Have I mentioned how much I love my husband and how great it is to be married? No, ok then, I should start doing that more often.

I've also realized since being married that men and women really do have some funimental differences in how they think. At first I thought it was just Ben and I but the more I talk to other womena nd other couples I think it's a bit more universal.

First off, men have many fewer emotions than women. I think Ben has 4 (don't worry, he knows i'm blogging about this and finds the difference qite funny too). If he is feeling something it must fit into these four emotions, or he really doesn't know what to do with it, so he dismisses it. Women, on the other hand have many many emotions to choose from. Now, in my oppinion that makes communicationa little easier - you only need to clarify a few personal connotations instead of engaging in full fledged 20 questions to learn how the other person is feeling, but i've learned that, if i'm persistant, i can usually figure out what type of "happy" ben means if he says he's happy.

Another difference i've noticed is that men have the ability to not think. Women on the other hand have the ability to think various thoughts at the same time. It's like having layers of thought...one layer might be going over a song thats stuck in your head, another writing a list of things that need to be done, another mentaly writing an email to a friend and another listening to whatever is happening. This is usually natural all the time for women, every now and then something takes up a cople extra layers and we sem distracted, but usually we can cope fairly well. Rarely have i known a woman to be thinking nothing. they may say their thinking nothing, but they know that there was somehting going through their brain. Men on the otherhand can answer "nothing" quite honestly. It's taking me some time to get used to this.

These are just a couple observations so far, i'll share more as i keep learning

This is what you see when you enter our house

Happyness Anyone?

There is something different about me. I try to explain it but all that comes out it s"I'm happy". Now for those of you who know about my history, no, I wasn't depressed again. I actually don't remember being not happy. But there is a definate difference in how I feel this week comepared to...well...before. I don't get it, but I like it. I sing, and I laugh, and I play with kids and share moments with friends. I did all that before this new happy feeling, but now it's different. It means more.

I donno, I don't get it, but I love it. I'm sitting here smiling at my computer.

P.S. pictures of new ugly apparment to come

Testing/Exercising Faith

I believe in God's power. I have seen God provide for people in amaizing ways, including myself. And yet I still sometimes have trouble believing it will happen. I still doubt, I still try to take care of things or provide for myself.

Life this new job. I had been wanting for months to quit at La Senza, but it never felt like the right thing to do. A few times I actually got up the nerve to apply for a job but didn't get it (which is very odd in this city, there are more jobs than people to work them, and I was always qualified) which was very discouraging and heart breaking. I couldn't understand why God was making me stay there and telling me it wasn't the right place for me at the same time.

Then, through contacts from La Senza I got my new job. It's not perfect, but it's good. And the people I work with are great. For ministry, it's a pretty strategic place to be. God took care of me, even through my doubts and unbelief.

Not that I don't believe tho....that's the thing. I just don't know how to use my faith. I dn't know how to live my belief sometimes. It's hard to trust, even when I know.

Miss Me?

I know, I havn't blogged for a long time. It's been a crazy month. Ben and I are almos tsettled in, my new job is great and I honestly and truly feel happy and at peace. Not that I havn't been happy or peaceful lately, I was just really stressed. I hadn't realized how much pressure I felt from work. My new job is much less stress, even though things are a bit hectic right now.

I'm also realizing how much I like communicating with people. To all my friends, I miss you. I don't have any long distance right now and I've lost most people's emails (i know, I'm horrible at keeping in touch) my email is sperry@the summit.ca if you want to say hi....I'd appriciate it.

I'm also learning a lot of thigns lately, but I'm trying to keep things to one major idea per blog, so you'll have to wait til later to find out what.

Finished the first book and other news

I finished Black by Ted Dekker, it was a good book, I definately would recommend it.

In other news, as of December 23 (or sooner) Ben and I will be the new residents of the 4404 39th Av NW basement suite. Yup, we have an appartment of our own. This brings a lot of challenges, including my sudden realization that a desk and bookcase just don't cut it as furniture, but is absolutely wonderful. Not only is it cheep with everything included, it's also a pretty nice place. Let me know when you plan on coming to visit. Another plus is that it's only about a 10 minute walk from the mall I work at.

Which brings me to the other news. I quit my job. But only because I had an offer from a friend for a better job at another store. I'm done at La Sena this coming Friday (the 16th) and start at Esprit on the following Monday (the 19th...did I mention we're moving on the 23?....what is it with me and grouping major changes all at once?) It sucks that I'm leaving at Christmas, especially when the store was already short staffed (and for some reason the other full timers decided to quit as well) but the new position pays more and will be less stressful in general. Basically I'll make the same ammount in 4 days at the new store as I was making working 40 hours at the old one.

So that's life at the moment, I'll let you know if anything else changes

On the Band Wagon

I decided I'd try my hand at the 50 book challenge. I'm not too concerned about the difficulty because I estimate that I read about that number of books in a year anyway.


Currently reading : Captivating and Black

Broken Hearted

I've discovered that I have a passion for people who have searched for God and been swallowed up by false organizations, specifically JW's and Mormons.

I have a friend who is JW, we've known each other for a little more than a year. Her heart longs for God, I have no doubt in my mind about that, but she is controlled, lied to, decieved. We were talking one time and she was amazed that we had anything in common in our beliefs at all. This is because she has been taught that every church outside of the watchtower works for satan in decieving people.

It might shock some people that there is any truth in the Watchtower Society, but there is. They do have the Bible, they just grosly misinterpret it. My desire is to see my friend be exposed to truth and come to a saving knowledge of Christ. She wants God, she is seeking truth, and alredy I think she is realizing that truth can exist outside of what she has been told.

It's dangerous work what I'm trying to do. She could be shunned by her family, including her husband. She has been told that even spending time with people like me could jepordize her standing in the eyes of God. But truth calls her.

I don't tell her that her beliefs are wrong. I don't even tell her she's being controlled and lied to - at least not yet. She is seeking truth, and I am exposing her to as much of it as I can.

This week I also had the opportunity to meet with some Mormon missionaries. They said at the beginning to listent o the impressions of my heart as they talked. And so I did. And what I felt was heavy - opression, lies, deception. I told them that. They were, at least, at one point they had been, searching for God. THey found answers, they found logic and a prospeous promise. They devoted themselves to the organization, and in doing so gave up their quest for God eternal. As we spoke two of them lsitened, the other - well, I pray that he is not too far gone.

The world is in crisis. There are so many people seeking out God but who have been lied to by these organizations. What are we doing about it? Telling them the truth is too hard - especially for those who have grown up in one of these organizations. We need to be with them as they search for truth - showing them we care about who they are not just what they believe.

I pray for them. I take every opportunity I can to meet with them and talk with them. God has promised that if we seek for Him we will find Him, pray that they keep seeking.