A recent study has been over the news lately stating that breastfeeding leads to a higher IQ.
We all know "breast is best" for both mama and baby, and the more we get this information out, the better.
Still, I have a problem with how this study is being publicized.
Keep in mind that Hana has been formula fed since the day after she was born, and exclusively on formula since 19 days old. I was also formula fed, as were the vast majority of the people in my family. And we're pretty smart people (In high school I tested 136 on an IQ test, but that was before mommy hood stole my brain). This is not intended to make anyone feel guilty, or whatever. We make our choices and we live with them, and we all survive.
The problem I have is that the wording makes it seem as though formula feeding is the norm, the standard. As in, normally baby x would have an IQ of ***, but if breastfed, it would be higher. That's wrong. Human babies are designed to have human milk. All the potential within that child will be released as different conditions are met - food, shelter, love, education, whatever. It's not that breastfeeding raises that potential, it's that formula feeding lacks something that would release it. Breast milk doesn't raise IQ, formula lowers it.
Again, not saying formula fed children are not smart, they're just not as smart as they could be were they breastfed. Like an athlete - if they aren't given the proper training and instruction, they can't preform at the level they would if they did have those things.
I find it astounding that as a culture we have effectively stunted ourselves - but there is no sense guessing at what could have been. Unfortunately, as long as formula is seen as the norm (or at least the norm after x amount of months) we will never see the full potential of our children. To continue talking about breastfeeding as tho it is super human, special, or above the norm only reinforces that it isn't the norm. Mothers have enough stress and worry and choices with their children, so if their kids can be "normal" without the pain, hassle and stress of breastfeeding (because honestly that's what it often is portrayed as, and can feel like at first), then why put themselves through it? Breastfeeding really should be normalized, not specialized.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Wedded Bliss
Ben and I have been married 3 years today.
In that time we have experienced two cross country moves, found our first apartment and our first house, and have owned two cars. We have changed jobs ten times. We've gone through a crisis, an emotional breakdown, and a big change of plans. We've had one child and are working on our second. He has learned to say know and I've learned to listen. He's learned to raise his voice and I've learned to lower mine. We've learned how to communicate, how to play, how to laugh and how to live in small spaces together.
Ben is the most wonderful husband I could ever have dreamed of. He's strong, caring, understanding and always respectful. He loves me with his whole self in a way that I never knew I could be loved. He's an amazing father, a reliable provider, and let me pick the paint colours for the house. I love him will all I am and look forward to the rest of our lives together.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
18 Months
My baby is 18 months old. And she finally (almost) fits into 18 month clothing. I've packed away all of her 9 month pants and most of her 6 and 9 month shirts. Yeah, she's pretty little. I'm guessing around 23lbs, but we have an appointment this month, so I'll find out for sure.
Her vocabulary impresses me, altho anyone who knows me isn't surprised - she comes by her talkative nature honestly. She is also so curious and loves exploring and trying new things. She is always on the go. No matter what we're doing, after a few minutes she'll look at me full of excitement and say "go?" before heading off to explore.
In the last month she has encountered play dough, mud, grass, slides, swings and rain. She's loved every minute of it. We we outside one day and it started raining - the icky cold kind of rain. I said it was time to go in, she looked at me as if I was crazy. So I laughed and said she was a little duck. Her response: "quack quack"
The most wonderful thing she's learned in the last month is how to sleep. We've even had a few nights where I haven't had to get up with her at all. There are times it takes more effort than I like to admit to get her to go to sleep, but the 3-5 wakings seem to be slowing down.
Hana is the most animated, expressive, caring child I've encountered. She lights up my day and fills it with laughter. She teaches me a different way to look at the world, shows me new things to get excited about, and reminds me how wonderful it is to just sit and snuggle with someone you love. We learn more from her every day, and couldn't be more blessed as parents.
Her vocabulary impresses me, altho anyone who knows me isn't surprised - she comes by her talkative nature honestly. She is also so curious and loves exploring and trying new things. She is always on the go. No matter what we're doing, after a few minutes she'll look at me full of excitement and say "go?" before heading off to explore.
In the last month she has encountered play dough, mud, grass, slides, swings and rain. She's loved every minute of it. We we outside one day and it started raining - the icky cold kind of rain. I said it was time to go in, she looked at me as if I was crazy. So I laughed and said she was a little duck. Her response: "quack quack"
The most wonderful thing she's learned in the last month is how to sleep. We've even had a few nights where I haven't had to get up with her at all. There are times it takes more effort than I like to admit to get her to go to sleep, but the 3-5 wakings seem to be slowing down.
Hana is the most animated, expressive, caring child I've encountered. She lights up my day and fills it with laughter. She teaches me a different way to look at the world, shows me new things to get excited about, and reminds me how wonderful it is to just sit and snuggle with someone you love. We learn more from her every day, and couldn't be more blessed as parents.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Nursing Pictures
Finally Blogger has allowed me to upload pictures. I asked on TBW, the message board I frequent, if anyone had some discreet nursing pics without covers. The wonderful mamas there were happy to share. I honestly think that the only reason people feel uncomfortable with nursing is because they are not exposed to it often enough, so here's some (discreet) exposure for you.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
My thoughts on Nursing In Public
Thanks everyone for the input, I really appreciate it, especially the different cultural perspective.
The reason I asked is because I plan on nursing this baby like the Canadian Government says to - anytime, anywhere. I also remember from Hana's newborn days that not every newborn baby will tolerate something being over their head. For her that just was not an option. I do plan on nursing in carriers however, which can be completely discreet. Look at this picture: (Ok, I have a couple great pictures I've been told I can use here, but I can't get them uploaded right now, so you'll have to come back to see my point)
I have to say I disagree with the sort of black/white mentality - that without a cover of some sort, the woman is exposing her breast and that's wrong. I've seen plenty of women nurse without covers without exposing their breast, and I actually find it much less distracting or obvious than when they have a big pink blanket thrown over their shoulder. I do agree that having more chest exposed than would be seen while wearing an appropriate top isn't a good idea, but the act of nursing itself is not obscene or offensive, and if someone thinks that it is, they are free to remove themselves from the situation.
I also am not sure if I agree with the "if it bothers someone, don't do it" idea, even in a worship setting. Are we saying that people who can't sing on key shouldn't sing, or that children shouldn't be present unless they are silent and don't move? There are lots of things that happen during any public gathering that can distract someone, but we learn to live with (and ignore) those distractions.
As another note, were I informed by someone that my nursing was bothering them, I would be offended that they were paying so much attention to my chest. So then who is in the wrong - the person using her breasts as God Himself designed, or the person looking at the breasts of someone who is not his wife?
I think the North American view of breasts (and women in general, but that's another post...) is very skewed and over sexualized. Yes, that's the way things are and we have to accept that, to a point. However, things will never change if we keep breastfeeding in a closet. If a woman feels comfortable nursing her child wherever she is, then she should be free to make that choice, and no one else has the right to take that away from her.
The reason I asked is because I plan on nursing this baby like the Canadian Government says to - anytime, anywhere. I also remember from Hana's newborn days that not every newborn baby will tolerate something being over their head. For her that just was not an option. I do plan on nursing in carriers however, which can be completely discreet. Look at this picture: (Ok, I have a couple great pictures I've been told I can use here, but I can't get them uploaded right now, so you'll have to come back to see my point)
I have to say I disagree with the sort of black/white mentality - that without a cover of some sort, the woman is exposing her breast and that's wrong. I've seen plenty of women nurse without covers without exposing their breast, and I actually find it much less distracting or obvious than when they have a big pink blanket thrown over their shoulder. I do agree that having more chest exposed than would be seen while wearing an appropriate top isn't a good idea, but the act of nursing itself is not obscene or offensive, and if someone thinks that it is, they are free to remove themselves from the situation.
I also am not sure if I agree with the "if it bothers someone, don't do it" idea, even in a worship setting. Are we saying that people who can't sing on key shouldn't sing, or that children shouldn't be present unless they are silent and don't move? There are lots of things that happen during any public gathering that can distract someone, but we learn to live with (and ignore) those distractions.
As another note, were I informed by someone that my nursing was bothering them, I would be offended that they were paying so much attention to my chest. So then who is in the wrong - the person using her breasts as God Himself designed, or the person looking at the breasts of someone who is not his wife?
I think the North American view of breasts (and women in general, but that's another post...) is very skewed and over sexualized. Yes, that's the way things are and we have to accept that, to a point. However, things will never change if we keep breastfeeding in a closet. If a woman feels comfortable nursing her child wherever she is, then she should be free to make that choice, and no one else has the right to take that away from her.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Nursing In Church
I'm aware that nursing in public can cause quite a fuss, regardless that it is perfectly legal and in some places is actually protected by law.
There is no question that breast milk is the best source of nutrition for an infant. There is also no question that a mother has the right to feed her hungry child (I've never seen a bottle feeding mother asked to leave anywhere). However, people get really uncomfortable when the breast milk is coming straight from the tap.
Some say it's ok so long as the mother is "discreet". The problem is, there is no real definition of discreet. Does that mean the mother must use a blanket? Go to the corner with her back to the room? Feed in a bathroom (ick!)? Honestly tho, which is more obvious - cradling a child and carrying on with life, or sitting with a big tent draped over you?
So consider this a bit of a poll - is nursing in church (as in during the service) inappropriate? What conditions (blanket, womens service, age of the child etc.) make it appropriate or inappropriate?
I'd also really appreciate opinions of men on this, especially those who are on the platform, so ladies, ask your husbands.
There is no question that breast milk is the best source of nutrition for an infant. There is also no question that a mother has the right to feed her hungry child (I've never seen a bottle feeding mother asked to leave anywhere). However, people get really uncomfortable when the breast milk is coming straight from the tap.
Some say it's ok so long as the mother is "discreet". The problem is, there is no real definition of discreet. Does that mean the mother must use a blanket? Go to the corner with her back to the room? Feed in a bathroom (ick!)? Honestly tho, which is more obvious - cradling a child and carrying on with life, or sitting with a big tent draped over you?
So consider this a bit of a poll - is nursing in church (as in during the service) inappropriate? What conditions (blanket, womens service, age of the child etc.) make it appropriate or inappropriate?
I'd also really appreciate opinions of men on this, especially those who are on the platform, so ladies, ask your husbands.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Pregnancy Update
I am now 27wks pregnant. Yeah, I know, where did the time go! This pregnancy is honestly flying by, but I guess that's what chasing after a toddler every day will do!
Things are very different this time around. With Hana I had an anterior placenta (at the front of my belly) so movement was sort of muted until about 30 weeks. This time around I've been getting good strong see-my-belly-move sort of kicks since about 23 wks. Baby is very active! There is also less fear and worry this time around, which has made it a much more comfortable and magical pregnancy. Feeling my baby move, seeing myself grow, it just leaves me in awe, especially as I'm watching Hana grow and learn. It's so unreal to think that I have a part in bringing a life into the world!
I go for my glucose tolerance screening test on Wednesday and I'm expecting to pass no problem. Really it's just another useless blood draw, but oh well. I'm also going to get them to check my iron - I was really anemic with Hana and have been feeling slugish again lately, and I'm getting poked anyway. I'll also have my monthly appointment to be measured. So far everything is right on track!
I'm huge again this time. Random people keep asking when I'm due, thinking it's sometime in May. Nope. Not til July. It's kind of amusing watching their reactions. This is what happens when you have a really short torso and grow a baby. I don't mind, I like my belly, even tho I can't see my feet.
Pictures to come when Blogger lets me. Or you can just check my facebook.
Things are very different this time around. With Hana I had an anterior placenta (at the front of my belly) so movement was sort of muted until about 30 weeks. This time around I've been getting good strong see-my-belly-move sort of kicks since about 23 wks. Baby is very active! There is also less fear and worry this time around, which has made it a much more comfortable and magical pregnancy. Feeling my baby move, seeing myself grow, it just leaves me in awe, especially as I'm watching Hana grow and learn. It's so unreal to think that I have a part in bringing a life into the world!
I go for my glucose tolerance screening test on Wednesday and I'm expecting to pass no problem. Really it's just another useless blood draw, but oh well. I'm also going to get them to check my iron - I was really anemic with Hana and have been feeling slugish again lately, and I'm getting poked anyway. I'll also have my monthly appointment to be measured. So far everything is right on track!
I'm huge again this time. Random people keep asking when I'm due, thinking it's sometime in May. Nope. Not til July. It's kind of amusing watching their reactions. This is what happens when you have a really short torso and grow a baby. I don't mind, I like my belly, even tho I can't see my feet.
Pictures to come when Blogger lets me. Or you can just check my facebook.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Why Every New Parent Needs A Carrier
- All babies (that I know of) go through a stage where they just want to be held *all* the time. For some babies it doesn't last long, and sometimes you can "break" the baby of that habit, but it's still something that happens. Then you have 3 choices - listen to baby scream, hold baby and get nothing done, or get a carrier.
- It's good for the baby. Babies are biologically wired to be in close contact with their mothers. It helps regulate breathing, digestion, sleep and other cycles.
- It promotes breastfeeding. Babies who are worn in carriers root and nurse more, and their smell helps stimulate milk production in the mother.
- You don't have to worry about strangers touching your baby when you're out. Strangers can't get to the hands or faces of newborns when they're all snuggled up with their mama or daddy.
- It gives mama some freedom. When Hana was a newborn I could shop, go for walks, clean, take the train etc. without having to worry about a car seat or big heavy stroller. We lived in a basement apartments and after my c/s it was enough effort just getting myself up the stairs, let alone the stroller! I would have been stuck in the house while Ben was at work, but instead I had complete freedom.
- It gives Daddy a chance to bond with baby. Newborns sleep a lot, and usually when they're awake it's to be fed or changed. For a baby who is nursing, it can be hard for Daddy to get quality time in. Wearing a baby in a carrier during naps gets baby used to daddy's smell, voice, movements etc. and also gives Mama a chance to shower or sleep while Daddy gets bonding time.
- It can calm a fussy baby. The security, movement, breathing and heartbeat will remind baby of the womb and help soothe it. It makes the transition from womb to world easier on them.
- It's good for the baby. Babies are biologically wired to be in close contact with their mothers. It helps regulate breathing, digestion, sleep and other cycles.
- It promotes breastfeeding. Babies who are worn in carriers root and nurse more, and their smell helps stimulate milk production in the mother.
- You don't have to worry about strangers touching your baby when you're out. Strangers can't get to the hands or faces of newborns when they're all snuggled up with their mama or daddy.
- It gives mama some freedom. When Hana was a newborn I could shop, go for walks, clean, take the train etc. without having to worry about a car seat or big heavy stroller. We lived in a basement apartments and after my c/s it was enough effort just getting myself up the stairs, let alone the stroller! I would have been stuck in the house while Ben was at work, but instead I had complete freedom.
- It gives Daddy a chance to bond with baby. Newborns sleep a lot, and usually when they're awake it's to be fed or changed. For a baby who is nursing, it can be hard for Daddy to get quality time in. Wearing a baby in a carrier during naps gets baby used to daddy's smell, voice, movements etc. and also gives Mama a chance to shower or sleep while Daddy gets bonding time.
- It can calm a fussy baby. The security, movement, breathing and heartbeat will remind baby of the womb and help soothe it. It makes the transition from womb to world easier on them.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Beautiful Sight
This is a picture of Hana sleeping in her bed for a nap. I know I've talked a bit about our sleep troubles on here, but honestly, unless you've had a child who doesn't sleep, you have no idea how absolutely amazing this is.
First of all, Hana had only slept in her crib a handful of times for naps since she was about a month old. Even when she was staying most of the night in her crib she would not go there for naps. She either needed to be in a carrier or in my bed. Starting last Monday, she has had every nap in her bed without issue.
Secondly, she's been staying all night in her bed. All. Night. No falling asleep in our bed and then being transfered to hers. No waking at 3 am and absolutely refusing to do anything but stand there with her arms up, sobbing until we bring her into our bed.
We've had people tell us to just let her firgure it out. Or to "be strong" and just not pick her up. But after over two hours of constant crying to the point of gagging (and that's with me in the room to comfort her!) and the knowledge that my daughter feels emotions so intensly that when she gets worked up like that she just does not have the ability to calm herself down, bringing her to bed was the wise option.
For a few months when she was younger, she put herself to sleep at night, woke around 3 for her soother, at 5 to bed fed, came in bed with me at 7 and was up for the day before 9. Not a bad routine at all for a 4 month old! After while she cut out the feeding and would wake at 11 and 4, come in bed at 7 and sleep another hour or so with me. Again, nothing to complain about, since really I was only getting up once in the night (at 4).
When we moved it all went to pieces. She would consistently wake 4 times a night (11, 2, 4, and 6), sometimes more, sometimes only 3 times. Then she was sick with a mold infecton that lasted a couple of months. Then we moved again and she refused to be in her room alone, never mind in her crib. Then after Christmas we managed to get her to sleep in our room, transfer her to hers and she'd stay there til about 5 (waking at 11 and 3). That lasted about two weeks and then her molars started coming in and I lost count of the number of times she would wake.
Since February she's been falling asleep in her bed and then coming in with us around 3, then waking once or twice until we got up around 8. It wasn't perfect, but it was a system that worked - we all we getting a decent amount of sleep, and she was usually only awake for a few minutes. Some nights we just didn't bother transferring her to her bed because she was so restless it wouldn't have been worth the effort.
Mid March that system wasn't working so well for us anymore. I have trouble sleeping when pregnant as it is because I usually sleep on my belly or my back. Sleeping on my side makes my hips and back hurt, so I shift positions a lot at night. So I would shift and wake Hana up, she would shift and wake Ben up. It would take her 20 minutes or so to settle, and if either of us moved during that time it would take even longer. Something had to change.
We had been debating taking the rail off of Hana's crib since Christmas, but weren't sure if it would make things worse. Last Tuesday I decided just to do it.
Best. Decision. Ever.
It started with her nap. Within 20 minutes of putting her on the bed, she was asleep. In her bed. Alone. She slept for two hours and then waited until I came in to get out of bed. That night it took over an hour to get her to sleep (which happens about twice a week recently), but she slept. She woke twice, but never once asked to go into our bed. I slept all night next to my husband without Hana kicking me or trying to push me off the bed. It was a beautiful thing.
Since then we haven't looked back. She still needs help once a night to get her soother off the floor or put her blankets back over her, but I usually get up once or twice a night to go to the bathroom anyway, so that isn't a problem at all. I feel better than I have in months - a good night of sleep makes such a HUGE difference in how I see the world. My house is cleaner, my days are more active, and our family time has much better quality. She's getting me up a bit earlier than before (usually between 6:30 and 7), but even tho I'm not a morning person, after a good night of sleep that isn't a problem at all!
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
17 Months
I realize I'm a whole day early on this one. It's to make up for all the times I've been a day or two late.
Since learning how to walk, Hana has taken off. I think her brain was just so focussed on that one thing that now the whole world has opened up to her. She's toddling along everywhere - arms out in front of her, still a little stiff. It's a cute little zombie walk. She tries to run, but hasn't quite got the mechanics of that down yet.
She's learning so quickly. Yesterday while trying to steal a few extra minutes in bed I taught her what a chin is. It throughly impressed Ben when he came home, but didn't give me enough time to stay under the covers. I'll try for a harder lesson next time.
This month we're trying something new - Hana sleeping in her own bed. Since moving from Alberta she's spent at least part of every night in with us. There was a lot going on in her little world, she needed the extra comfort and we were happy to give it. Unfortunately, there's just enough room for Ben in bed along with me and my belly and my pillows, so lately no one has been getting a very good sleep. We took the side off Hana's crib yesterday and she slept there all night. It was blissful. Hopefully this will be the new trend.
Every day I get to see more of her personality - her passion, her emotions, her joy and curiosity. I'm so proud of my daughter, amazed by her. The person she is is so much more than I could have ever imagined. I hope that Ben and I are able to nurture, teach and encourage her to grow and mature in those things. To be sensitive, to be passionate, to be strong and to not give up. Those things might be a challenge now, while she's so young and doesn't understand all of her big emotions, but they'll shape her into a wonderful woman as she grows, and I can't wait to see that.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Questions
I've realized that had I not studied religion I would have really enjoyed anthropology. I've also had an intense curiosity for different cultures, different beliefs, how they evolve and shape how we see the world. It's amazing to me how much of an influence culture, tradition and belief have over perceptions.
An example of this from my own life - for the longest time I thought for sure that the vast majority of Americans must spend a fortune on getting their rugs cleaned or replaced because they worse their shoes in the house all the time. The reason for this odd belief - you rarely see someone in socks or bare feet on TV. Growing up were NEVER allowed to wear our shoes in the house, it would make too much of a mess. Putting those two things together I thought Americains must be pretty foolish. (I've since learned that wasn't the case, so no need to correct me on my thoughts there).
Have you ever just sat down and wondered why we do the things we do? Where traditions come from, why they hold their power? I find a lot of times that tradition taken on it's own - with no explanation, no context, no history behind it - looses it's purpose, and can be seen as something it is not. An example of this is the head coverings worn by Muslim women. In the Western world we often see this as some sort of oppression of femininity, repression of personal freedom or some form of control placed over the women. In fact, it's a sacred choice, a covenant between the woman and her God, a way for her to show the world that she is not to be seen as a sexual object, it allows her to show her intelligence, her creativity, her personality.
I remember hearing a story once - a little girl was watching her mother cook supper. They were having roast beef, and the mother carefully cut the end off of the roast. The little girl asked why she did that, and the mother couldn't answer - maybe it made it taste better, or got rid of some fat, or made it more tender, she wasn't sure, but it had to have some importance. So the mother called up the little girls grandmother to ask. The grandmother chuckled and said she wasn't sure either, it's just the way her mother had always done it, so that's what she did. The mother decided to pay a visit to her grandmother to see how far back the tradition went. She was surprised at the answer - "I don't know why the rest of you do it, but my pan was always too small."
This is why I question everything. Perceptions, traditions, stereotypes, assumptions. A lot of these things are good, helpful, insightful. A lot of them are not - they have either become obsolete and unnecessary, or are in desperate need of an update, or are just plain wrong.
An example of this from my own life - for the longest time I thought for sure that the vast majority of Americans must spend a fortune on getting their rugs cleaned or replaced because they worse their shoes in the house all the time. The reason for this odd belief - you rarely see someone in socks or bare feet on TV. Growing up were NEVER allowed to wear our shoes in the house, it would make too much of a mess. Putting those two things together I thought Americains must be pretty foolish. (I've since learned that wasn't the case, so no need to correct me on my thoughts there).
Have you ever just sat down and wondered why we do the things we do? Where traditions come from, why they hold their power? I find a lot of times that tradition taken on it's own - with no explanation, no context, no history behind it - looses it's purpose, and can be seen as something it is not. An example of this is the head coverings worn by Muslim women. In the Western world we often see this as some sort of oppression of femininity, repression of personal freedom or some form of control placed over the women. In fact, it's a sacred choice, a covenant between the woman and her God, a way for her to show the world that she is not to be seen as a sexual object, it allows her to show her intelligence, her creativity, her personality.
I remember hearing a story once - a little girl was watching her mother cook supper. They were having roast beef, and the mother carefully cut the end off of the roast. The little girl asked why she did that, and the mother couldn't answer - maybe it made it taste better, or got rid of some fat, or made it more tender, she wasn't sure, but it had to have some importance. So the mother called up the little girls grandmother to ask. The grandmother chuckled and said she wasn't sure either, it's just the way her mother had always done it, so that's what she did. The mother decided to pay a visit to her grandmother to see how far back the tradition went. She was surprised at the answer - "I don't know why the rest of you do it, but my pan was always too small."
This is why I question everything. Perceptions, traditions, stereotypes, assumptions. A lot of these things are good, helpful, insightful. A lot of them are not - they have either become obsolete and unnecessary, or are in desperate need of an update, or are just plain wrong.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Strong Words
I found this artist when a friend of mine posted a video on facebook.
Since then, I've been listening to her constantly. She is strong, powerful, passionate, real. I love it. This is one of my favorites
Since then, I've been listening to her constantly. She is strong, powerful, passionate, real. I love it. This is one of my favorites
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
An Amazing Thing
This article was posted on a forum I frequent.
Yeah, I know, most of you won't read it. What if I tell you it's about a pregnant man, would that get your attention?
He is transgendered. He has some gender reassignment surgery, but kept his reproductive organs. His wife lost her uterus to endomitriosis. Using donor sperm, they were able to inseminate the husbands uterus and are going to have a baby girl.
There has been a lot of controversy about this, including doctors refusing to treat them. I think that's a horrible thing.
I can understand people not understanding it, even needing a bit of time to process the whole reality of the situation (men don't usually have a uterus). However I don't understand why people think it's such a horrible thing that a loving, happily married couple want to bring a child into the world so they can love and care for it.
There are much better things to get upset about than that.
Yeah, I know, most of you won't read it. What if I tell you it's about a pregnant man, would that get your attention?
He is transgendered. He has some gender reassignment surgery, but kept his reproductive organs. His wife lost her uterus to endomitriosis. Using donor sperm, they were able to inseminate the husbands uterus and are going to have a baby girl.
There has been a lot of controversy about this, including doctors refusing to treat them. I think that's a horrible thing.
I can understand people not understanding it, even needing a bit of time to process the whole reality of the situation (men don't usually have a uterus). However I don't understand why people think it's such a horrible thing that a loving, happily married couple want to bring a child into the world so they can love and care for it.
There are much better things to get upset about than that.
Monday, March 24, 2008
On the move
Hana has been cruising (walking along furniture) since before she was a year. She's been able to stand unassisted since after Christmas. She would drag her push toy along the floor or run while holding fingers. Every now and then she'd take a few steps without realizing that's what she was doing. She just wouldn't walk.
Until today!
Until today!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Update
We got the results of our ultrasound yesterday - baby is perfect! We're both measuring right on target, and all is as it should be. Unfortunately, they won't tell me the sex, so baby will have to be called baby until we actually get to see the parts for real.
This child is also very active. So active that we've had to have two ultrasounds just to get a good look at everything. During the appointment yesterday it took more than 5 minutes to get a reading on the heart rate because child would not stay still for 15 seconds at a time! Ben and Hana have both felt kicks in the last few days. Ben thought it was pretty special, Hana looked confused and wondered how she could make her belly poke.
Last night I finally broke down and bought maternity clothes. Up until this point I had a few pairs of non-preggo pants that still fit, sort of. They weren't what one would call comfortable. I have a whole box of mat wear upstairs, but it's all summery, and that just doesn't work for March in New Brunswick.
Funny thing about maternity clothes, I put them on and suddenly I'm 9 months pregnant. Not a good sign as in reality I'm only 22 weeks - just over half way through. This could be fun.
Hana is doing great. She has taken consecutive steps now while being bribed with raisins by her grandmother. It was pretty great - she really didn't want to do it, but the temptation was just too much. Since then she holds our fingers so tight it cuts of circulation just to make sure we won't let go. She's just not ready yet. She does spend more time on her feet than she was, and she uses her push toy to get from the living room to the dining room instead of crawling. I have no worries at all. She can walk, as in she has the physical ability. She just doesn't want to.
She has also been spoiling us by sleeping 8-5ish in her own bed and then another two or three hours in ours about 4 nights a week. We still need to go in about half the time and help her settle back down once a night, but that's usually around the time I go to bed, so it doesn't actually get me up. Now if it weren't for baby thumper jumping on my bladder at night, it might be possible for me to get 6 hours of sleep in a row!
This child is also very active. So active that we've had to have two ultrasounds just to get a good look at everything. During the appointment yesterday it took more than 5 minutes to get a reading on the heart rate because child would not stay still for 15 seconds at a time! Ben and Hana have both felt kicks in the last few days. Ben thought it was pretty special, Hana looked confused and wondered how she could make her belly poke.
Last night I finally broke down and bought maternity clothes. Up until this point I had a few pairs of non-preggo pants that still fit, sort of. They weren't what one would call comfortable. I have a whole box of mat wear upstairs, but it's all summery, and that just doesn't work for March in New Brunswick.
Funny thing about maternity clothes, I put them on and suddenly I'm 9 months pregnant. Not a good sign as in reality I'm only 22 weeks - just over half way through. This could be fun.
Hana is doing great. She has taken consecutive steps now while being bribed with raisins by her grandmother. It was pretty great - she really didn't want to do it, but the temptation was just too much. Since then she holds our fingers so tight it cuts of circulation just to make sure we won't let go. She's just not ready yet. She does spend more time on her feet than she was, and she uses her push toy to get from the living room to the dining room instead of crawling. I have no worries at all. She can walk, as in she has the physical ability. She just doesn't want to.
She has also been spoiling us by sleeping 8-5ish in her own bed and then another two or three hours in ours about 4 nights a week. We still need to go in about half the time and help her settle back down once a night, but that's usually around the time I go to bed, so it doesn't actually get me up. Now if it weren't for baby thumper jumping on my bladder at night, it might be possible for me to get 6 hours of sleep in a row!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Living Content
Life has been a bit hectic lately.
Actually hectic isn't quite the right word, or doesn't seem to be, because my days are spent at home with Hana, no rushing around or pressure to get things done.
I've been stressed out for very stupid reasons. Reasons like not having dusted since Christmas, or not getting all the laundry put away, or deciding Hana's messy face isn't really worth a struggle.
I say these are stupid reasons, because none of them really matter or are worth my stress. No, my home isn't spotless, the dishes aren't all done, and a lot of the laundry still isn't put away (but it is folded, an accomplishment in itself!), and sometimes my daughter's face has traces of breakfast on it for most of the day. THose are things that so often make women feel less - less of a wife, less of a mother, less of a woman.
Why is this. Why is our worth tied up so much in our actions, in appearances? Do we honestly think it would be better to sacrifice time with our husbands and children, the very people that make us wives and mothers, for the sake of a few dishes or dust bunnies?
Now don't get me wrong, I don't think living in a mess is a good idea either. It is important to provide a safe and orderly home for the sanity of all those who live there. But I think we get carried away sometimes, especially since really there is no one judging us on how well we do in these areas.
I've started changing my attitude, finding my sense of worth in the PEOPLE in my life, instead of the THINGS in my life. To find joy in the moments instead of feeling useless guilt, stress and anxiety over things that don't really matter. Surprisingly, when I stop stressing about these things, I'm able to find the time and energy to get them done anyway!
Actually hectic isn't quite the right word, or doesn't seem to be, because my days are spent at home with Hana, no rushing around or pressure to get things done.
I've been stressed out for very stupid reasons. Reasons like not having dusted since Christmas, or not getting all the laundry put away, or deciding Hana's messy face isn't really worth a struggle.
I say these are stupid reasons, because none of them really matter or are worth my stress. No, my home isn't spotless, the dishes aren't all done, and a lot of the laundry still isn't put away (but it is folded, an accomplishment in itself!), and sometimes my daughter's face has traces of breakfast on it for most of the day. THose are things that so often make women feel less - less of a wife, less of a mother, less of a woman.
Why is this. Why is our worth tied up so much in our actions, in appearances? Do we honestly think it would be better to sacrifice time with our husbands and children, the very people that make us wives and mothers, for the sake of a few dishes or dust bunnies?
Now don't get me wrong, I don't think living in a mess is a good idea either. It is important to provide a safe and orderly home for the sanity of all those who live there. But I think we get carried away sometimes, especially since really there is no one judging us on how well we do in these areas.
I've started changing my attitude, finding my sense of worth in the PEOPLE in my life, instead of the THINGS in my life. To find joy in the moments instead of feeling useless guilt, stress and anxiety over things that don't really matter. Surprisingly, when I stop stressing about these things, I'm able to find the time and energy to get them done anyway!
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Raising Your Spirited Child
This book has helped to save my sanity.
It's a book for parents whose children aren't quite like other kids. Those of us with intense, passionate, fiery, kids. There are other words that get tossed around for them - high-need, strong willed, difficult - but spirited is a much better fit.
I haven't even finished reading the book yet, but what I have read has completely changed my understanding of Hana and myself. I feel validated now in my feeling that my child is different - she won't always settle herself to sleep, she can't always handle an abrupt change in activity, she will go for something she's set her mind to and no amount of distraction or redirection will stop her. She's not being bad or misbehaving or trying to manipulate, she just doesn't have the tools yet that she needs to handle all the intense feelings and urges inside of her.
There have been far fewer tantrums in the last few weeks. In fact, I can't remember any full blown tantrums in the past two weeks at all. Much fewer power struggles as well. I don't think I've had a breakdown either.
I've learned how to recognize signs that her intensity is building, and I've also learned her "reset" buttons for when things are too much. These are skills that I can teach her as she grows so that she will have the tools to handle these intense feelings without letting them get the best of her.
I've learned that the characteristics that make life challenging right now are not things that need to be stopped or fixed, but are traits that I admire and respect in adults, traits that any parent would hope their child develops. Things like determination, creativity, expressiveness, focus, empathy. I've learned to change the way I speak about these things (determined instead of stubborn, exploring instead of getting into things, expressive instead of loud) which has helped change my attitude and helped me keep my own feelings in check.
I don't feel so lost when dealing with Hana anymore, or like I'm somehow doing things wrong. Any parent (or really anyone who works with children on a regular basis) who feels the "usual" methods just aren't working might want to look into this book. It's made life so much more peaceful for my whole family.
It's a book for parents whose children aren't quite like other kids. Those of us with intense, passionate, fiery, kids. There are other words that get tossed around for them - high-need, strong willed, difficult - but spirited is a much better fit.
I haven't even finished reading the book yet, but what I have read has completely changed my understanding of Hana and myself. I feel validated now in my feeling that my child is different - she won't always settle herself to sleep, she can't always handle an abrupt change in activity, she will go for something she's set her mind to and no amount of distraction or redirection will stop her. She's not being bad or misbehaving or trying to manipulate, she just doesn't have the tools yet that she needs to handle all the intense feelings and urges inside of her.
There have been far fewer tantrums in the last few weeks. In fact, I can't remember any full blown tantrums in the past two weeks at all. Much fewer power struggles as well. I don't think I've had a breakdown either.
I've learned how to recognize signs that her intensity is building, and I've also learned her "reset" buttons for when things are too much. These are skills that I can teach her as she grows so that she will have the tools to handle these intense feelings without letting them get the best of her.
I've learned that the characteristics that make life challenging right now are not things that need to be stopped or fixed, but are traits that I admire and respect in adults, traits that any parent would hope their child develops. Things like determination, creativity, expressiveness, focus, empathy. I've learned to change the way I speak about these things (determined instead of stubborn, exploring instead of getting into things, expressive instead of loud) which has helped change my attitude and helped me keep my own feelings in check.
I don't feel so lost when dealing with Hana anymore, or like I'm somehow doing things wrong. Any parent (or really anyone who works with children on a regular basis) who feels the "usual" methods just aren't working might want to look into this book. It's made life so much more peaceful for my whole family.
16 months
My baby is 16 months old. Not only that, but it's been two years since I found out I was pregnant. I can't believe how quickly time flies and how many things have changed since then!
Hana is such a joy. She interacts with everything around her. She's very expressive and communicates really well for someone who has about 40 words at her disposal. She's also a very loving child - I've been getting lots of kisses and hugs lately.
She still hasn't really found a use for walking, but has decided she will humor us every now and then and use her push-toy, so long as we're willing to trade off and read to her 50 times a day. She's also started enjoying having some time to play by herself in her room in the mornings, which gives me a nice little break for an hour or so.
She has the most heartfelt laugh I have ever heard in my life. When she is laughing there is no question - all is right in the world and the moment is to be enjoyed to it's fullest. It's a beautiful thing.
Hana is such a joy. She interacts with everything around her. She's very expressive and communicates really well for someone who has about 40 words at her disposal. She's also a very loving child - I've been getting lots of kisses and hugs lately.
She still hasn't really found a use for walking, but has decided she will humor us every now and then and use her push-toy, so long as we're willing to trade off and read to her 50 times a day. She's also started enjoying having some time to play by herself in her room in the mornings, which gives me a nice little break for an hour or so.
She has the most heartfelt laugh I have ever heard in my life. When she is laughing there is no question - all is right in the world and the moment is to be enjoyed to it's fullest. It's a beautiful thing.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
OOps
Sorry I haven't been around. I've been working on a couple of other things that have taken up a lot of my writing energy.
Things with the pregnancy are going well. I actually feel human again most of the time. Now my biggest concern is keeping my back from going crooked again. I have muscle damage from when I was a teen, and while I was pregnant with Hana I ended up with a lot of pain as the muscle seized and caused a c-curve in my spine. Thankfully physiotherapy and massage straightened me out again, but it's still something I'd rather not go through this time around.
I had my first ultrasound on Monday. Baby is VERY active, so active in fact that the tech couldn't complete all the checks and I have to go back in a couple of weeks. She was going to try and get a shot of the baby bits so I could guess, but baby wasn't cooperating with that either, so we still have a surprise. I'd like to find out. I honestly don't like surprises, I like to be able to plan and prepare. However, since this baby is being born in July a lot of white onesies should cover most of our clothing needs for the first few weeks and then we can shop afterwards.
From what my very untrained eye could tell from the scan, everything looked great. I even had proof that baby stands on my bladder - which the tech thought was hilarious- but only because she hadn't just drank a liter of water.
In other news, Ben got hired on full time doing quality control at the plant he was working at. We're excited about this. It's steady, something he enjoys, and will include a raise in the near future. We're very excited about this. If we're able to save up enough he may even be able to take some parental leave when the baby is born, which would be absolutely wonderful.
Things with the pregnancy are going well. I actually feel human again most of the time. Now my biggest concern is keeping my back from going crooked again. I have muscle damage from when I was a teen, and while I was pregnant with Hana I ended up with a lot of pain as the muscle seized and caused a c-curve in my spine. Thankfully physiotherapy and massage straightened me out again, but it's still something I'd rather not go through this time around.
I had my first ultrasound on Monday. Baby is VERY active, so active in fact that the tech couldn't complete all the checks and I have to go back in a couple of weeks. She was going to try and get a shot of the baby bits so I could guess, but baby wasn't cooperating with that either, so we still have a surprise. I'd like to find out. I honestly don't like surprises, I like to be able to plan and prepare. However, since this baby is being born in July a lot of white onesies should cover most of our clothing needs for the first few weeks and then we can shop afterwards.
From what my very untrained eye could tell from the scan, everything looked great. I even had proof that baby stands on my bladder - which the tech thought was hilarious- but only because she hadn't just drank a liter of water.
In other news, Ben got hired on full time doing quality control at the plant he was working at. We're excited about this. It's steady, something he enjoys, and will include a raise in the near future. We're very excited about this. If we're able to save up enough he may even be able to take some parental leave when the baby is born, which would be absolutely wonderful.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wonderful
I had the most wonderful morning with Hana.
We had blueberry muffins for breakfast, then read some stories and played a bit. Then we spent a long time in the shower which was absolutely blissful. After that we spent about an hour playing on the bed. Lots of laughs, kisses, snuggles and other wonderful things.
I love being a mom.
We had blueberry muffins for breakfast, then read some stories and played a bit. Then we spent a long time in the shower which was absolutely blissful. After that we spent about an hour playing on the bed. Lots of laughs, kisses, snuggles and other wonderful things.
I love being a mom.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Deconstruction
I was reading Glo's blog, and she posted about a speaker she had heard who was completely against postmodernism because it was so deconstructive, and it got me thinking.
What's so wrong with deconstruction? Really, how can anything change unless someone points out where things need to be changed? Now I can understand frustration if deconstruction is as far as the process goes - it should be done in order to rebuild.
Take Martin Luther for example. He pointed out what was wrong with the church of the time, and so was seen as a heretic, but also brought on reform. If the Church has gone askew of God's intent for it, then isn't getting it back on track more important than decorating sacred cows?
I honestly feel the North American Church is in crisis. Christ has given us freedom, but instead of a safe haven, a place of freedom, it is seen as a place of chains, of judgment, of sin and hypocrisy. As a whole, Christians are seen as weak, extremists, brainless, dull or judgmental. Is that how Christ intended His Bride to be seen by the world?
We are the hands and feet of Christ, our salvation isn't just for ourselves but so that we can go out and save the world. Not so we can huddle together until they come to us, conform to our standards fall into the same ruts we consider acceptable.
I think as a whole we need to spend more time listening to the complaints about the church - not in a defensive manner, but to hear the truth in them and seek to change it. No one will come to Christ if they don't want to be a Christian, and that is a very sad truth.
What's so wrong with deconstruction? Really, how can anything change unless someone points out where things need to be changed? Now I can understand frustration if deconstruction is as far as the process goes - it should be done in order to rebuild.
Take Martin Luther for example. He pointed out what was wrong with the church of the time, and so was seen as a heretic, but also brought on reform. If the Church has gone askew of God's intent for it, then isn't getting it back on track more important than decorating sacred cows?
I honestly feel the North American Church is in crisis. Christ has given us freedom, but instead of a safe haven, a place of freedom, it is seen as a place of chains, of judgment, of sin and hypocrisy. As a whole, Christians are seen as weak, extremists, brainless, dull or judgmental. Is that how Christ intended His Bride to be seen by the world?
We are the hands and feet of Christ, our salvation isn't just for ourselves but so that we can go out and save the world. Not so we can huddle together until they come to us, conform to our standards fall into the same ruts we consider acceptable.
I think as a whole we need to spend more time listening to the complaints about the church - not in a defensive manner, but to hear the truth in them and seek to change it. No one will come to Christ if they don't want to be a Christian, and that is a very sad truth.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
The story of Stuff
This is definitely worth twenty minutes of your time. We all have a responsibility to become more aware and more active in our consumer decisions.
Monday, February 04, 2008
15 months
Hana is 15 months old, and amazes me daily.
She communicates so well for someone so small, always trying to pick up new words or signs, always "talking" to the cat, or her toys, or us. She wants us to be part of her world, and wants to be part of ours, and that is such a wonderful thing.
She's almost walking. I should say she's able to walk - has taken a few steps here and there, stands unassisted, has all the skills necessary to walk, and that's good enough for her - she sees no need to walk, and that's fine. It's the same with everything else she's learned in life, there is no use trying to push her, she'll do it all in her own time.
She's always learning new things, trying to figure things out. This morning we were playing on the bed and she was on her hands and feet with her bum up in the air, head down. So I grabbed her hips and flipped her over. Our new game delayed breakfast for a while as she tried to do it herself and then would look at me for help.
She can climb stairs, get off the bed and the couch, can almost use a spoon on her own and knows almost 20 words and 10 signs. She loves books and music and being with people. She's always exploring, observing, trying, moving, doing. She's an amazing child, such a blessing. I'm so thankful to be her mother.
She communicates so well for someone so small, always trying to pick up new words or signs, always "talking" to the cat, or her toys, or us. She wants us to be part of her world, and wants to be part of ours, and that is such a wonderful thing.
She's almost walking. I should say she's able to walk - has taken a few steps here and there, stands unassisted, has all the skills necessary to walk, and that's good enough for her - she sees no need to walk, and that's fine. It's the same with everything else she's learned in life, there is no use trying to push her, she'll do it all in her own time.
She's always learning new things, trying to figure things out. This morning we were playing on the bed and she was on her hands and feet with her bum up in the air, head down. So I grabbed her hips and flipped her over. Our new game delayed breakfast for a while as she tried to do it herself and then would look at me for help.
She can climb stairs, get off the bed and the couch, can almost use a spoon on her own and knows almost 20 words and 10 signs. She loves books and music and being with people. She's always exploring, observing, trying, moving, doing. She's an amazing child, such a blessing. I'm so thankful to be her mother.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
About Tantrums
*Note - this is mostly just a reminder for me...it's been a rough week.
I've been reading a book called "Raising your Spirited Child". It's wonderful and had helped me to better understand my daughter (and myself).
One of the things it's helped me change perspective on is tantrums. Hana began throwing fits at about 10 months of age, and since then she's become an expert. She gets so intense, her face gets red, she screams, lays down on the floor crying, moans. It's quite a site. Usually I'm left wondering what it is I'm supposed to do.
I could give her what it is she wants, but there is always a reason she shouldn't have it (like when the phone rings and she wants to answer it). I could get mad at her, but that isn't productive. I could ignore it, but ignoring things doesn't really make them go away.
Instead I try to understand it. The disappointment, the frustration, the inability to communicate, the sense of injustice, of misunderstanding. Those are a lot of really big things for a very young child to have to deal with. Heck, those are things that I still have trouble dealing with now and then, let alone having to deal with them all together. When she throws a fit it's not because she's "bad" or somehow wanting to ruin my day. It's because she feels a lot and just doesn't know what to do with it.
I don't want Hana to hold in her emotions. I don't want her to feel ashamed or somehow "bad" because she has a need to cry to express how she feels. I don't want her to be one of those kids (or one of those adults) who is unable to handle their emotions and so instead ignores them.
I want her to learn how to express those feeling and work through them in a healthy way. I name them for her, telling her I understand she's frustrated and confused, that it doesn't seem fair, but it really is for her safety. I hold her while she cries, or take her up to our bed and let her have her soother for a few minutes while she calms down. When she gets frustrated because of her inability in some area I help her accomplish whatever task she's set her mind to. When she wants something that is not allowed I do my best to show her other options. I want her to be able to problem solve, to express herself, to work out her emotions.
And I need to remember that. Especially while she's getting in four molars at the same time, when sleep is being interrupted, and the constant pressure and pain in her mouth cut down her tolerance level, when we're both stuck in the house too much and need some more stimulation. When it seems like the only things she wants are things she knows she's not allowed to have.
I've been reading a book called "Raising your Spirited Child". It's wonderful and had helped me to better understand my daughter (and myself).
One of the things it's helped me change perspective on is tantrums. Hana began throwing fits at about 10 months of age, and since then she's become an expert. She gets so intense, her face gets red, she screams, lays down on the floor crying, moans. It's quite a site. Usually I'm left wondering what it is I'm supposed to do.
I could give her what it is she wants, but there is always a reason she shouldn't have it (like when the phone rings and she wants to answer it). I could get mad at her, but that isn't productive. I could ignore it, but ignoring things doesn't really make them go away.
Instead I try to understand it. The disappointment, the frustration, the inability to communicate, the sense of injustice, of misunderstanding. Those are a lot of really big things for a very young child to have to deal with. Heck, those are things that I still have trouble dealing with now and then, let alone having to deal with them all together. When she throws a fit it's not because she's "bad" or somehow wanting to ruin my day. It's because she feels a lot and just doesn't know what to do with it.
I don't want Hana to hold in her emotions. I don't want her to feel ashamed or somehow "bad" because she has a need to cry to express how she feels. I don't want her to be one of those kids (or one of those adults) who is unable to handle their emotions and so instead ignores them.
I want her to learn how to express those feeling and work through them in a healthy way. I name them for her, telling her I understand she's frustrated and confused, that it doesn't seem fair, but it really is for her safety. I hold her while she cries, or take her up to our bed and let her have her soother for a few minutes while she calms down. When she gets frustrated because of her inability in some area I help her accomplish whatever task she's set her mind to. When she wants something that is not allowed I do my best to show her other options. I want her to be able to problem solve, to express herself, to work out her emotions.
And I need to remember that. Especially while she's getting in four molars at the same time, when sleep is being interrupted, and the constant pressure and pain in her mouth cut down her tolerance level, when we're both stuck in the house too much and need some more stimulation. When it seems like the only things she wants are things she knows she's not allowed to have.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
Unreal
Please read this.
Alright, I know a lot of you won't read it. It talks about how parents and caregivers who murder autistic children and adults are given lighter prison sentences compared to other murderers.
It makes me sick, makes me ashamed to be human. And at the same time I'm not entirely surprised that it's happening. We've gotten so good at dehumanizing others (through propaganda, media, racial slurs, comments about mental/physical/social functioning, war etc.) that it becomes justifiable to rid ourselves of anyone that doesn't fit our human standards.
We justify it - of course, these parents are in a tough situation, it got to them, you can't really blame them for giving into the pressure.
That's just sick.
This is something people should be outraged by. This is where laws need to change. We rally to save the unborn (even to the cost of the mother) and yet ignore the lives - lived lives, enjoyed lives, lives that may not be "normal" but are still enjoyed - that are taken away unjustly.
Please, if any of these cases have happened in your state or country, contact a local politician an express your outrage. It will only happen as long as we allow it.
Alright, I know a lot of you won't read it. It talks about how parents and caregivers who murder autistic children and adults are given lighter prison sentences compared to other murderers.
It makes me sick, makes me ashamed to be human. And at the same time I'm not entirely surprised that it's happening. We've gotten so good at dehumanizing others (through propaganda, media, racial slurs, comments about mental/physical/social functioning, war etc.) that it becomes justifiable to rid ourselves of anyone that doesn't fit our human standards.
We justify it - of course, these parents are in a tough situation, it got to them, you can't really blame them for giving into the pressure.
That's just sick.
This is something people should be outraged by. This is where laws need to change. We rally to save the unborn (even to the cost of the mother) and yet ignore the lives - lived lives, enjoyed lives, lives that may not be "normal" but are still enjoyed - that are taken away unjustly.
Please, if any of these cases have happened in your state or country, contact a local politician an express your outrage. It will only happen as long as we allow it.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Ministry
While attending Bethany I was appalled by the stats on how many (few?) grads remained in ministry 5 or 10 years after graduation. I thought, honestly, that there must have been something wrong. Maybe they didn't understand their calls. Maybe there was some sort of moral failing. Maybe they just had the wrong attitude, something.
And now, I am a Bethany grad who is no longer in ministry. Heck I'm not even a member of a church right now (tho I am still a regular attender).
I was in ministry. I was passionate about what I did. I had plans, I had a vision, I had dreams. I prayed and wept and worked and was kept up at night by a burning passion.
And now I'm not sure if I'll ever do full time church ministry again.
It puts me in an awkward position. I know my call - to serve God and draw others towards Him. I know my gifts. I know my passions, my strengths and weaknesses. And I can't see any of those things fitting together in a church.
Ministry is a hard vocation. It's hard to measure success. We talk about deep spiritual things, about bringing people one step closer to God, about the importance of authentic community. And still at the end there is a need for numbers, for measurable growth, for something tangible beyond receipts from a coffee house.
In the time since going to Bethany I've seen the harm that the church can cause in a person's life. I've heard stories and witnessed things that made me not want to identify myself as a Christian so that I would not be grouped with the people who had caused such unnecessary pain. The problem with being Christ's hands is that we are seen as such more when we hit than when we heal.
The last year or so has lead me down an interesting path. Not a crisis of faith really, my faith in God, my dependence on Him, my security through Christ has never been clearer in my mind. It's more a crisis of church, of belonging. I feel I don't fit anywhere.
Still, at the same time, in this past year I feel I have done more, learned more, and reached more than I have in years. There has been no agenda, no reports, no requirements, nothing to prove to anyone. There was no time wasted avoiding the judgment of people who know better instead of serving people who don't. There was an understanding, a surprising realization that no one really expects my perfection. That in my weakness He truly is strong.
So I'm one of "those" - the ones who for some reason just didn't cut it, didn't make it in ministry. But that doesn't mean that I am not doing the work of the Kindgom, or that I have failed in the task that God has given me.
And now, I am a Bethany grad who is no longer in ministry. Heck I'm not even a member of a church right now (tho I am still a regular attender).
I was in ministry. I was passionate about what I did. I had plans, I had a vision, I had dreams. I prayed and wept and worked and was kept up at night by a burning passion.
And now I'm not sure if I'll ever do full time church ministry again.
It puts me in an awkward position. I know my call - to serve God and draw others towards Him. I know my gifts. I know my passions, my strengths and weaknesses. And I can't see any of those things fitting together in a church.
Ministry is a hard vocation. It's hard to measure success. We talk about deep spiritual things, about bringing people one step closer to God, about the importance of authentic community. And still at the end there is a need for numbers, for measurable growth, for something tangible beyond receipts from a coffee house.
In the time since going to Bethany I've seen the harm that the church can cause in a person's life. I've heard stories and witnessed things that made me not want to identify myself as a Christian so that I would not be grouped with the people who had caused such unnecessary pain. The problem with being Christ's hands is that we are seen as such more when we hit than when we heal.
The last year or so has lead me down an interesting path. Not a crisis of faith really, my faith in God, my dependence on Him, my security through Christ has never been clearer in my mind. It's more a crisis of church, of belonging. I feel I don't fit anywhere.
Still, at the same time, in this past year I feel I have done more, learned more, and reached more than I have in years. There has been no agenda, no reports, no requirements, nothing to prove to anyone. There was no time wasted avoiding the judgment of people who know better instead of serving people who don't. There was an understanding, a surprising realization that no one really expects my perfection. That in my weakness He truly is strong.
So I'm one of "those" - the ones who for some reason just didn't cut it, didn't make it in ministry. But that doesn't mean that I am not doing the work of the Kindgom, or that I have failed in the task that God has given me.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
OB appointment
Aside from being horrendously long (2.5 hours!) things went great! Baby's heart rate was 155-160, I'm measuring right where I should be, and everything looks great. I also got my blood work done and got a ton of info to look over for the next month until my next appointment.
The best thing is that a repeat c-section wasn't even mentioned! They just need to get my surgery notes from Calgary to make sure the closure was done properly (it was) and it should be no problem for me to deliver vaginally. This is a HUGE answer to prayer - I do not want to go through surgery again, I want to labour and birth my baby. I also didn't want to have to fight in order to get what I wanted.
The best thing is that a repeat c-section wasn't even mentioned! They just need to get my surgery notes from Calgary to make sure the closure was done properly (it was) and it should be no problem for me to deliver vaginally. This is a HUGE answer to prayer - I do not want to go through surgery again, I want to labour and birth my baby. I also didn't want to have to fight in order to get what I wanted.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Intersting
"If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."
This is such a beautiful passage. So concise, so simple, so straight forward. It almost seems to simple, too easy.
There is nothing there about repentance. Nothing about works and good deeds. No stipulation on tithing or daily Bible reading. Just confession and belief, public and private.
All the rest, the changes, the actions, the lifestyle, it all comes afterward. It comes as a result of the belief, not as a prerequisite to it.
We so often get our expectations so mixed up - for ourselves, for others, for God. We expect others to act as saints when they are sinners, we expect to be able to fix ourselves to gain access to the presence of God, we expect God, at times, to do nothing.
The changes that happen in the life of a believer happen through love - God's love of us and our love towards Him. He empowers the changes, we see them through. They are not a requirement for our salvation, but evidence of it.
This is such a beautiful passage. So concise, so simple, so straight forward. It almost seems to simple, too easy.
There is nothing there about repentance. Nothing about works and good deeds. No stipulation on tithing or daily Bible reading. Just confession and belief, public and private.
All the rest, the changes, the actions, the lifestyle, it all comes afterward. It comes as a result of the belief, not as a prerequisite to it.
We so often get our expectations so mixed up - for ourselves, for others, for God. We expect others to act as saints when they are sinners, we expect to be able to fix ourselves to gain access to the presence of God, we expect God, at times, to do nothing.
The changes that happen in the life of a believer happen through love - God's love of us and our love towards Him. He empowers the changes, we see them through. They are not a requirement for our salvation, but evidence of it.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Update
How is it that life seems so busy, while at the same time I feel like I get nothing done?
The pregnancy is going well, I'm assuming. My chronic tiredness is starting to lift, but I'm still feeling pretty sick most of the time. I'm 12 weeks in and have my first OB appointment next Monday. Honestly I'm getting nervous. I know many woman have gone through healthy pregnancies without ultrasounds or hearing the baby's heartbeat. Still, I'm nervous. Such a precious little life and no way to know how it's doing. I know most likely everything is fine, but Ben's taking Monday off work to come with me to my appointment, just in case.
Hana's doing well. Well, right now she's screaming because I won't let her play with the keyboard, but other than right this moment she's a happy, energetic, curious toddler.
Alright, now that she's happy and calm again...
Otherwise in life, things are good. Ben's looking for a new job - something more stable. He's working great hours right now, but once the contract with this company is done, who knows what he could be doing. That's the problem with placement agencies. We're hoping the job search doesn't take long.
Things with the house are good. We still need to paint and such, but are waiting until Spring. I can't wait to be able to have our patio doors open all day and have the fresh air come in!
The pregnancy is going well, I'm assuming. My chronic tiredness is starting to lift, but I'm still feeling pretty sick most of the time. I'm 12 weeks in and have my first OB appointment next Monday. Honestly I'm getting nervous. I know many woman have gone through healthy pregnancies without ultrasounds or hearing the baby's heartbeat. Still, I'm nervous. Such a precious little life and no way to know how it's doing. I know most likely everything is fine, but Ben's taking Monday off work to come with me to my appointment, just in case.
Hana's doing well. Well, right now she's screaming because I won't let her play with the keyboard, but other than right this moment she's a happy, energetic, curious toddler.
Alright, now that she's happy and calm again...
Otherwise in life, things are good. Ben's looking for a new job - something more stable. He's working great hours right now, but once the contract with this company is done, who knows what he could be doing. That's the problem with placement agencies. We're hoping the job search doesn't take long.
Things with the house are good. We still need to paint and such, but are waiting until Spring. I can't wait to be able to have our patio doors open all day and have the fresh air come in!
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Friday, January 04, 2008
14 months
My baby is 14 months old.
She loves to sing, dance, chase the cat, read books, snuggle and play with her blocks. She's learning how to communicate. Right now she knows 5 signs and 7 words. When you ask her to say dog, she says "woof woof".
She's almost walking. She stands for a few seconds at a time before she sits down (sits, not falls) and she is learning to climb up and down stairs. She's going to be in a toddler bed in the very near future.
While we were home over Christmas I found my old baby doll. It still smells like baby powder like it did in all of my memories. When Hana saw it, she said "maymay!" and that's been it's name since. Every time she sees it she reaches for maymay and gives her a hug. It's more precious than I can express.
She doesn't look so much like a baby anymore, but there are still times when all she wants is her soother and to snuggle up in mama or daddy's arms. She's growing so fast, those moments are a precious reminder that she is still my baby.
She loves to sing, dance, chase the cat, read books, snuggle and play with her blocks. She's learning how to communicate. Right now she knows 5 signs and 7 words. When you ask her to say dog, she says "woof woof".
She's almost walking. She stands for a few seconds at a time before she sits down (sits, not falls) and she is learning to climb up and down stairs. She's going to be in a toddler bed in the very near future.
While we were home over Christmas I found my old baby doll. It still smells like baby powder like it did in all of my memories. When Hana saw it, she said "maymay!" and that's been it's name since. Every time she sees it she reaches for maymay and gives her a hug. It's more precious than I can express.
She doesn't look so much like a baby anymore, but there are still times when all she wants is her soother and to snuggle up in mama or daddy's arms. She's growing so fast, those moments are a precious reminder that she is still my baby.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Christmas Past
We've had two christmases this year, and both were wonderful fun. Now it's over and I'm sleepy.
Things with the pregnancy are going well. At least I'm assuming they are. I'm 11 weeks now. At 6 weeks I saw my Dr. He said "Oh No!" and sent me for bloodwork. I firgured instead of paying out of pocket it would be best to wait for my medicare card (which I had applied for in October). Unfortunately it took until Dec. 15 for it to arrive. I tried twice to get the blood drawn (I was told to come back a week after I had the test done), and had even booked the appointment, but sadly things just didn't work out. In all that time I was calling my Dr office about once a week to find out if I could just get a referral to an OB (since my Dr wouln't be delivering the baby anyway) and talked with a midwife about my options. Still, nothing happened.
Then when I called to cancel the (useless) follow up appointment, the receptionist informed me there was a clinic I could go to that didn't require a refferal! YAY!
Only problem - no open appointments for the next month. Grr.
So we're praying for a cancelation and really getting anxious to get everything in motion. Not showing yet, still feeling a bit sick and exhausted, and having a slight feeling it's a boy.
I had bloodwork done about a month and a half before getting pregnant and was given a perfect bill of health, haven't had any odd pains of bleeding, so I'm assuming all is going as it should be. Be praying that is true and we get confirmation of it soon.
Things with the pregnancy are going well. At least I'm assuming they are. I'm 11 weeks now. At 6 weeks I saw my Dr. He said "Oh No!" and sent me for bloodwork. I firgured instead of paying out of pocket it would be best to wait for my medicare card (which I had applied for in October). Unfortunately it took until Dec. 15 for it to arrive. I tried twice to get the blood drawn (I was told to come back a week after I had the test done), and had even booked the appointment, but sadly things just didn't work out. In all that time I was calling my Dr office about once a week to find out if I could just get a referral to an OB (since my Dr wouln't be delivering the baby anyway) and talked with a midwife about my options. Still, nothing happened.
Then when I called to cancel the (useless) follow up appointment, the receptionist informed me there was a clinic I could go to that didn't require a refferal! YAY!
Only problem - no open appointments for the next month. Grr.
So we're praying for a cancelation and really getting anxious to get everything in motion. Not showing yet, still feeling a bit sick and exhausted, and having a slight feeling it's a boy.
I had bloodwork done about a month and a half before getting pregnant and was given a perfect bill of health, haven't had any odd pains of bleeding, so I'm assuming all is going as it should be. Be praying that is true and we get confirmation of it soon.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tis the Season
I love Christmas time.
I love the snow. I love the lights and decorations. I love visiting with family. I love Christmas music. I even love the malls being full.
This has always been my favorite holiday. I have only good memories of Christmas (even the year my Dad was bit by a dog and was almost in the hospital for Christmas). I can't wait for the weekend - Liz is visiting, then we're heading to Woodstock and then next week going to my parents.
We don't have a tree or many decorations this year. We did have some lights up, but between the baby and the cat they didn't stay up very long. Since we're going to be away for a couple weeks, a tree didn't really make much sense for us either.
But even without all the decorations, it still feels like Christmas. THe joy, the excitement. I can't wait to see Hana with all the lights and everything, and on Christmas morning. It's so wonderful to be able to make new wonderful memories for her.
I love the snow. I love the lights and decorations. I love visiting with family. I love Christmas music. I even love the malls being full.
This has always been my favorite holiday. I have only good memories of Christmas (even the year my Dad was bit by a dog and was almost in the hospital for Christmas). I can't wait for the weekend - Liz is visiting, then we're heading to Woodstock and then next week going to my parents.
We don't have a tree or many decorations this year. We did have some lights up, but between the baby and the cat they didn't stay up very long. Since we're going to be away for a couple weeks, a tree didn't really make much sense for us either.
But even without all the decorations, it still feels like Christmas. THe joy, the excitement. I can't wait to see Hana with all the lights and everything, and on Christmas morning. It's so wonderful to be able to make new wonderful memories for her.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
The Golden Compass
Is getting a lot of hype. It reminds me of the Harry Potter and DaVinci Code hysteria. I've heard people say that movies like this (promoting atheistic ideas) should not be made.
I think it's a bunch of crap. The story is fantasy. Yes, there are ideas that are presented that go against Christian teachings, but how is that any different from most other movies that are made, especially in this genre?
It frustrates me when I see Christians so afraid of ideas. Ideas are powerful things, yes, but they only have the power that we give them. I think it's important to know and understand what others believe. How else can we expose the Truth if we aren't aware of what lies they believe? How can we be like Paul in Acts 17, using the culture, the beliefs, the Truth around us to bring people to God if we ignore all of those things and just pretend they don't exist?
I plan on seeing the movie. It looks interesting. I've heard it's a bit violent for young kids, but that doesn't really apply to me. I might read the books too (if the movie interests me enough in the story). I am not threatened by ideas that I know are wrong.
I think it's a bunch of crap. The story is fantasy. Yes, there are ideas that are presented that go against Christian teachings, but how is that any different from most other movies that are made, especially in this genre?
It frustrates me when I see Christians so afraid of ideas. Ideas are powerful things, yes, but they only have the power that we give them. I think it's important to know and understand what others believe. How else can we expose the Truth if we aren't aware of what lies they believe? How can we be like Paul in Acts 17, using the culture, the beliefs, the Truth around us to bring people to God if we ignore all of those things and just pretend they don't exist?
I plan on seeing the movie. It looks interesting. I've heard it's a bit violent for young kids, but that doesn't really apply to me. I might read the books too (if the movie interests me enough in the story). I am not threatened by ideas that I know are wrong.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Winter Wonderland
Yesterday Hana and I went for a walk. We had been in the house for two days straight because of the snow, and we needed some fresh air. I figured I could put her in her new snowsuit and walk down to the store with her in the stroller.
Have you ever tried to take a toddler for a walk after a snowstorm?
First, you get the child dressed and put them in the snowsuit. I got Hana in the pants and had her boots on, then put her int he stroller before I put on her mitts (er...a pair of my thick socks....but it worked...) and coat on. I don't know how I came up with this idea, but I'm so glad I did.
Apparently putting mitts and a coat on a toddler is the equivalent of the marshmellow man on steroids - fluffy, strong and angry. Hana tried as hard as she could to kick and arch out of her stroller. It was awful. I almost took a picture, but figured the neighbours might be wondering what all the noise was, so instead we headed out.
(one plus of the mitts, she wasn't able to take her hat off for once!!)
So we head out and once we're moving Hana settles down and even seems to be enjoying herself. We get to the main road and I'm so excited to see the sidewalk is plowed. Er, sorta. Apparently they plowed the sidewalk before some of the streets for some reason, so at the beginning of every block there's this huge pile of snow. Have you ever tried to push a stroller through a huge pile of snow? It doesn't work so well. So I would pick her up and carry the stroller a few feet. Then we turn the corner and half of the snowbank caused by plowing the sidewalk has fallen in. There was a lot of stroller carrying to be done.
We came home by the side roads and just walked on the street.
Have you ever tried to take a toddler for a walk after a snowstorm?
First, you get the child dressed and put them in the snowsuit. I got Hana in the pants and had her boots on, then put her int he stroller before I put on her mitts (er...a pair of my thick socks....but it worked...) and coat on. I don't know how I came up with this idea, but I'm so glad I did.
Apparently putting mitts and a coat on a toddler is the equivalent of the marshmellow man on steroids - fluffy, strong and angry. Hana tried as hard as she could to kick and arch out of her stroller. It was awful. I almost took a picture, but figured the neighbours might be wondering what all the noise was, so instead we headed out.
(one plus of the mitts, she wasn't able to take her hat off for once!!)
So we head out and once we're moving Hana settles down and even seems to be enjoying herself. We get to the main road and I'm so excited to see the sidewalk is plowed. Er, sorta. Apparently they plowed the sidewalk before some of the streets for some reason, so at the beginning of every block there's this huge pile of snow. Have you ever tried to push a stroller through a huge pile of snow? It doesn't work so well. So I would pick her up and carry the stroller a few feet. Then we turn the corner and half of the snowbank caused by plowing the sidewalk has fallen in. There was a lot of stroller carrying to be done.
We came home by the side roads and just walked on the street.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
13 Months
Hana is 13 months old.
She is pulling up on any stable surface and cruising around on the furniture. She gets stuck because she doesn't know how to sit back down, but for the most part standing is what makes her happy. Unless it's beside her walker. She won't stand up within a foot of her walker. We try to walk her over to her walker and on the way she sits down.
She's weaned from the bottle. She gets her milk in a rubbermade straw cup - sippy cups didn't work for her, this is perfect and will last for years. She's also eating a lot better now, altho she doesn't like leftovers. If she's had the same thing within the last 24 hours and I haven't just made it fresh, she wants nothing to do with it. Anything she doesn't want gets picked up, piece by piece, and removed from her sight. If I'm not sitting beside her with a plate or my hand out, it ends up on the floor. Frustrating, but better than just randomly throwing food.
She has 5 teeth now and 3 more on their way. It's made sleeping interesting, but for the past week she's spent most or all of the night in her crib. Makes mama happy.
She is so curious, so interesting in how everything works. She loves books, and laughing, and goldfish crackers and the cat. If she's having a meltdown because the world just isn't fair I know one of the above will calm her.
She's getting so big, so un-baby like, but at the same time she still enjoys cuddling in my arms when she first wakes up or if she's having a rough day.
She is pulling up on any stable surface and cruising around on the furniture. She gets stuck because she doesn't know how to sit back down, but for the most part standing is what makes her happy. Unless it's beside her walker. She won't stand up within a foot of her walker. We try to walk her over to her walker and on the way she sits down.
She's weaned from the bottle. She gets her milk in a rubbermade straw cup - sippy cups didn't work for her, this is perfect and will last for years. She's also eating a lot better now, altho she doesn't like leftovers. If she's had the same thing within the last 24 hours and I haven't just made it fresh, she wants nothing to do with it. Anything she doesn't want gets picked up, piece by piece, and removed from her sight. If I'm not sitting beside her with a plate or my hand out, it ends up on the floor. Frustrating, but better than just randomly throwing food.
She has 5 teeth now and 3 more on their way. It's made sleeping interesting, but for the past week she's spent most or all of the night in her crib. Makes mama happy.
She is so curious, so interesting in how everything works. She loves books, and laughing, and goldfish crackers and the cat. If she's having a meltdown because the world just isn't fair I know one of the above will calm her.
She's getting so big, so un-baby like, but at the same time she still enjoys cuddling in my arms when she first wakes up or if she's having a rough day.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
New Baby
It's so good to finally be able to tell everyone!
Not that I couldn't have (or didn't....) sooner, I was just waiting FOREVER for that shirt to arrive!
I'm almost 7 weeks, I think. We're not to sure. Basically we got the house and decided we could start trying again and two weeks later I got a positive test.
I'm due around July 20th. Again, date isn't all that accurate because I can't remember the proper date to start from. But I figure most babies aren't born on their due dates anyway. That will make Hana almost 21 months old. Close, but not too close. I will be in the "two under two" club for a while tho.
We're so excited, and so blessed. It was quicker than we anticipated, and there's been so much going on lately it seems a little crazy, but I'm so much looking forward to the next nine months and what God is going to do for my family.
Not that I couldn't have (or didn't....) sooner, I was just waiting FOREVER for that shirt to arrive!
I'm almost 7 weeks, I think. We're not to sure. Basically we got the house and decided we could start trying again and two weeks later I got a positive test.
I'm due around July 20th. Again, date isn't all that accurate because I can't remember the proper date to start from. But I figure most babies aren't born on their due dates anyway. That will make Hana almost 21 months old. Close, but not too close. I will be in the "two under two" club for a while tho.
We're so excited, and so blessed. It was quicker than we anticipated, and there's been so much going on lately it seems a little crazy, but I'm so much looking forward to the next nine months and what God is going to do for my family.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Help out a friend?
Can everyone do me a favor?
go to vibe985.com and vote for my friend Gemma in the 50 000$ baby shower contest?
She's a friend of mine from Calgary and could really use the help with this. The winner will be announced on Monday, so vote as often as you want between now and then. She's contestant #7 and you can read her story on the site.
Thanks!
go to vibe985.com and vote for my friend Gemma in the 50 000$ baby shower contest?
She's a friend of mine from Calgary and could really use the help with this. The winner will be announced on Monday, so vote as often as you want between now and then. She's contestant #7 and you can read her story on the site.
Thanks!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
News
So much has been going on lately.
Hana is 1. We're all moved in to our new house. Just got phone and internet yesterday, and it's so nice to be able to connect with the outside world again.
With all that, I've become a NaNoWriMo dropout. Ah well, there's always next year.
There's other stuff too, but it will have to wait.
Hana is 1. We're all moved in to our new house. Just got phone and internet yesterday, and it's so nice to be able to connect with the outside world again.
With all that, I've become a NaNoWriMo dropout. Ah well, there's always next year.
There's other stuff too, but it will have to wait.
Saturday, November 03, 2007
One
I can't believe she's been outside of me for a year.
She's beautiful, cuddly, intelligent, creative, funny, adorable, active, curious, determined, emotional, social and every other thing I could ever have hoped she would be.
This past year has had it's rough points, but through it all she's the highlight. There have been times we've both broken down into tears, but it's never been anything a night sleeping side by side couldn't fix. She fills my heart with laughter and my eyes with tears of joy. She's made me the mother I am, and a better wife, better friend, better woman than I ever was before. She's made Ben a wonderful father, wonderful husband and the best man I have ever known.
I do have pictures, but can't find the cable for the camera, so you'll have to wait.
She's beautiful, cuddly, intelligent, creative, funny, adorable, active, curious, determined, emotional, social and every other thing I could ever have hoped she would be.
This past year has had it's rough points, but through it all she's the highlight. There have been times we've both broken down into tears, but it's never been anything a night sleeping side by side couldn't fix. She fills my heart with laughter and my eyes with tears of joy. She's made me the mother I am, and a better wife, better friend, better woman than I ever was before. She's made Ben a wonderful father, wonderful husband and the best man I have ever known.
I do have pictures, but can't find the cable for the camera, so you'll have to wait.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
NaNoWriMo
Not only am I moving and celebrating my daughter's first birhtday this month, I'm also writing a novel.
1050 words done, 48950 to go.
See you in December
1050 words done, 48950 to go.
See you in December
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Checklist
64000$ mortgage : check
14000$ down payment : check (thanks to wonderful people who love us!!!!)
Insurance : working on it
Carpet Cleaners : need to make a call
Turning on power : check
Calling a Lawyer : currently on hold
Rejoicing in all that God has made possible this week: will never end.
Seriously, this has been a roller coaster! So many phone calls, prayers and words of thanks as things have all fallen into place since the first time I saw the house last Friday.
If you're curious, go to http://www.westwoodgardens.info/
We've bought unit 7 and are now only needing to sign the mortgage! We'll get the keys on Saturday and the official closing date is November 9th. If anyone feels like helping us move on the 10th let me know!
14000$ down payment : check (thanks to wonderful people who love us!!!!)
Insurance : working on it
Carpet Cleaners : need to make a call
Turning on power : check
Calling a Lawyer : currently on hold
Rejoicing in all that God has made possible this week: will never end.
Seriously, this has been a roller coaster! So many phone calls, prayers and words of thanks as things have all fallen into place since the first time I saw the house last Friday.
If you're curious, go to http://www.westwoodgardens.info/
We've bought unit 7 and are now only needing to sign the mortgage! We'll get the keys on Saturday and the official closing date is November 9th. If anyone feels like helping us move on the 10th let me know!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Almost a homeowner
We're just waiting for paperwork. The closing date is the 9th. It's a 3 bedroom, 1200 sqft townhouse condo. Needs a few updates here and there, but is essentially move-in ready. Once the mortgage goes through we'll have the keys and I can start cleaning.
This is a wonderful thing, and something that wouldn't have been possible without God, and so we praise Him for all His blessings.
Now, anyone want to suggest paint colours?
This is a wonderful thing, and something that wouldn't have been possible without God, and so we praise Him for all His blessings.
Now, anyone want to suggest paint colours?
Thursday, October 25, 2007
No House
Well, the bank came back with a really high counter offer, and there's a lot more than would need to be done to the house right away than we had realized, so we're looking for other options. Hopefully we'll find something else quickly.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
House
No, not the tv show...
Ben and I are looking at getting a house, but there's a lot of steps involved. We found a place we like that is reasonably close to Ben's new job, and we have a meeting with a mortgage specialist on Tuesday.
Please pray that things go smoothly in whatever direction is best for them to go.
Thanks!
Ben and I are looking at getting a house, but there's a lot of steps involved. We found a place we like that is reasonably close to Ben's new job, and we have a meeting with a mortgage specialist on Tuesday.
Please pray that things go smoothly in whatever direction is best for them to go.
Thanks!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Which Way?
Click on this
Which way is the girl spinning? Clockwise or counter clockwise?
(Don't worry, it's not one of those things where you look at a picture and something freaky happens, I promise!)
Now, the real question: Can you get her to spin the other way?
I can!
Which way is the girl spinning? Clockwise or counter clockwise?
(Don't worry, it's not one of those things where you look at a picture and something freaky happens, I promise!)
Now, the real question: Can you get her to spin the other way?
I can!
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Give
I've decided to make this my browser's homepage.
That way every time I go online I'll be reminded to click and help fund mammograms for women - helping them fight against breast cancer.
I challenge you to do the same. It doesn't even take a minute and it's completely free. No strings attached, just open your browser, click the pink button and then continue on with whatever you were doing. If you're not willing to do it daily, at least do it today. Every click counts.
That way every time I go online I'll be reminded to click and help fund mammograms for women - helping them fight against breast cancer.
I challenge you to do the same. It doesn't even take a minute and it's completely free. No strings attached, just open your browser, click the pink button and then continue on with whatever you were doing. If you're not willing to do it daily, at least do it today. Every click counts.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Hair Days
So I'm trying to grow my hair out long. Like, sit on it long. For fun (because growing your hair is so much fun...that whole half inch a month, good times).
So I joined the Long Hair Community. It's great, lots of good advice, beautiful inspiration, all round good web community.
Someone decided to post a 30 day challenge, to wear your hair up for 30 days. In a row. I rarely wear my hair up 30 minutes in a row, so this should be interesting. I'm trying to learn new ways to put it up, so if I come up with anything interesting I'll let you know. So far I've managed a french braid. Exciting huh?
So I joined the Long Hair Community. It's great, lots of good advice, beautiful inspiration, all round good web community.
Someone decided to post a 30 day challenge, to wear your hair up for 30 days. In a row. I rarely wear my hair up 30 minutes in a row, so this should be interesting. I'm trying to learn new ways to put it up, so if I come up with anything interesting I'll let you know. So far I've managed a french braid. Exciting huh?
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
New Socks!
New socks might not be that exciting for a lot of you, but I learned a new way to make socks and I'm pretty thrilled with it.
I was browsing knitting blogs yesterday (because they're oh so much fun!) and read about the "magic loop method" and so just had to go out and get a long pair of circulars. I had already learned how to do toe-up socks with a short row heel. I love this method because you can really see the size of the sock as you go and make it a perfect fit. Plus the short row heel is so much less complicated than doing a heel flap and picking up stitches and all that headache. Also the figure 8 cast on makes a seamless toe, which is great for people who hate seams at the toe.
So here's a run down of how to make THE BEST socks
I use Bernat Handicrafter Cotton (the little 2$ skins) and size 7 circular needles (29")
Hold the two needles parallel with the points facing the same direction and wind the yar between them making figure eights until you have 10 stitches on each needle (you only need 8, but I always do extra in case I screw up!) The needle with the end of the yarn hanging off it gets slipped out so that those stitches stay on the wire of the circular, but don't pull it all the way through, leave a loop between the two sets of stitches. Knit 8 stitches off the other needle. Adjust so that both sides are on needles again and this time slide the side you just worked off so the other side can be knit (sounds much more complicated than it is!). Again, remember to keep a loop of wire between the two sections of stitches.
That is basically the magic loop method (but check the first few pages in the search linked above for a better explanation and pictures). You'll do that for the whole sock except for the heel. To shape the toe, on the second and second to last stitch every row (for each needle, so increasing on 4 stitches total) knit front and back to increase. I start with 8 stitches and increase until I have 22 on each needle (but I have little feet). If you figure out your gage (eg. 8 sts per inch) and the size of your foot (5 inches) and round up to make it even you can easily figure out how many stitches you need (40). Then you just knit. Knit until you get it long enough it goes to the front of your ankle. For the heel you just work one half of the stitches, leaving one stitch on the needle and turning the work as you do each row (read the short-row links above), then when you get about 6 working stitches you start to increase again, and voila! a heel! A few more rounds (ok, a lot more rounds) with ribbing for the cuff, and you're done!
Mine aren't done yet, still working the foot of my first one, but I just started yesterday. I'll get pics when I'm done!
I was browsing knitting blogs yesterday (because they're oh so much fun!) and read about the "magic loop method" and so just had to go out and get a long pair of circulars. I had already learned how to do toe-up socks with a short row heel. I love this method because you can really see the size of the sock as you go and make it a perfect fit. Plus the short row heel is so much less complicated than doing a heel flap and picking up stitches and all that headache. Also the figure 8 cast on makes a seamless toe, which is great for people who hate seams at the toe.
So here's a run down of how to make THE BEST socks
I use Bernat Handicrafter Cotton (the little 2$ skins) and size 7 circular needles (29")
Hold the two needles parallel with the points facing the same direction and wind the yar between them making figure eights until you have 10 stitches on each needle (you only need 8, but I always do extra in case I screw up!) The needle with the end of the yarn hanging off it gets slipped out so that those stitches stay on the wire of the circular, but don't pull it all the way through, leave a loop between the two sets of stitches. Knit 8 stitches off the other needle. Adjust so that both sides are on needles again and this time slide the side you just worked off so the other side can be knit (sounds much more complicated than it is!). Again, remember to keep a loop of wire between the two sections of stitches.
That is basically the magic loop method (but check the first few pages in the search linked above for a better explanation and pictures). You'll do that for the whole sock except for the heel. To shape the toe, on the second and second to last stitch every row (for each needle, so increasing on 4 stitches total) knit front and back to increase. I start with 8 stitches and increase until I have 22 on each needle (but I have little feet). If you figure out your gage (eg. 8 sts per inch) and the size of your foot (5 inches) and round up to make it even you can easily figure out how many stitches you need (40). Then you just knit. Knit until you get it long enough it goes to the front of your ankle. For the heel you just work one half of the stitches, leaving one stitch on the needle and turning the work as you do each row (read the short-row links above), then when you get about 6 working stitches you start to increase again, and voila! a heel! A few more rounds (ok, a lot more rounds) with ribbing for the cuff, and you're done!
Mine aren't done yet, still working the foot of my first one, but I just started yesterday. I'll get pics when I'm done!
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
11 months old
Wow time flies. My baby girl is 11 months old today.
This morning I woke up to her rolling around beside me. Once she realized I was awake she looked at me with a big smile and snuggled against my chest. Bliss.
She wants to walk all the time now, but she can't walk on her own yet. So daily Ben and I take her for walks around the house. Seeing the two of them walking and laughing makes my heart soar.
There's so much learning going on right now. Her newest game is putting and taking. She'll put a toy on the chair and then take it off. She'll put a block on top of another block, clap her ands, and then take it off. It makes me giggle.
She's persistent. When she wants to get somewhere interesting - like under a table or where a kitty is sleeping - she figures out a way to do it, then looks over her shoulder and smiles at me proudly.
Nothing could be better than this.
This morning I woke up to her rolling around beside me. Once she realized I was awake she looked at me with a big smile and snuggled against my chest. Bliss.
She wants to walk all the time now, but she can't walk on her own yet. So daily Ben and I take her for walks around the house. Seeing the two of them walking and laughing makes my heart soar.
There's so much learning going on right now. Her newest game is putting and taking. She'll put a toy on the chair and then take it off. She'll put a block on top of another block, clap her ands, and then take it off. It makes me giggle.
She's persistent. When she wants to get somewhere interesting - like under a table or where a kitty is sleeping - she figures out a way to do it, then looks over her shoulder and smiles at me proudly.
Nothing could be better than this.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Life is Good
This has been a wonderful week:
- We found a WONDERFUL church
- Liz came to visit and trusted me to help her pick her hair cut, and she looks hot.
- Hana's x-rays were clear, there's no infection
- I spent all of yesterday with other mom-friends
- I got to talk to JessTot Weaver
- I went out last night with other moms and no babies (4th time going out without Hana for more than an hour)
- Hana has slept from 9ish to 6ish the last 3 nights!!!
Life is so good right now!
- We found a WONDERFUL church
- Liz came to visit and trusted me to help her pick her hair cut, and she looks hot.
- Hana's x-rays were clear, there's no infection
- I spent all of yesterday with other mom-friends
- I got to talk to Jess
- I went out last night with other moms and no babies (4th time going out without Hana for more than an hour)
- Hana has slept from 9ish to 6ish the last 3 nights!!!
Life is so good right now!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
My baby is sick
She's had a cough for well over a month. At first it was because she had a cold. Then she had a lingering runny nose. Then I couldn't figure out what it was and called the Dr.
I'm a severe asthmatic. I've been hospitalized a lot because of attacks and infections, especially when I was small. I was diagnosed when I was not much older than Hana, and at her age was in the hospital more than I was out of it. I know how serious just a cough can become.
The Dr. prescribed her an inhaler, got chest x-rays and asked if there was a family history of asthma. Be praying that she gets over this cough and that her lungs are whole and healthy.
I'm a severe asthmatic. I've been hospitalized a lot because of attacks and infections, especially when I was small. I was diagnosed when I was not much older than Hana, and at her age was in the hospital more than I was out of it. I know how serious just a cough can become.
The Dr. prescribed her an inhaler, got chest x-rays and asked if there was a family history of asthma. Be praying that she gets over this cough and that her lungs are whole and healthy.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Idealism
I consider myself an enlightened idealist. There are certain things that I think/feel/believe and I know the world would be a better place if others agreed, but I also know that's not going to happen. I see the way things could (should) go, but know that they won't always go like that.
Life is hard for idealists. There's a lot of disappointment. There's a lot of frustration. There's a lot of pain. There's a temptation to turn cynical, jaded, to appear uncaring as your sense of justice is trampled on again and again. There's a lot of thought, a lot of passion, a lot of emotion.
It can make it hard to let things to, to not act, to be patient. It makes it easy to care, to move, to do something. Unfortunately there isn't always something to do, and sometimes one must resign to the fact that this is the way the world works.
I enjoy my idealism, my passion, my drive, my emotion. Yes, it leaves me wounded at times, but I'm also stubborn, so I get up and keep on moving. In my mind moving towards a small bit of change is better than not moving at all, so for now I take what I can get.
Life is hard for idealists. There's a lot of disappointment. There's a lot of frustration. There's a lot of pain. There's a temptation to turn cynical, jaded, to appear uncaring as your sense of justice is trampled on again and again. There's a lot of thought, a lot of passion, a lot of emotion.
It can make it hard to let things to, to not act, to be patient. It makes it easy to care, to move, to do something. Unfortunately there isn't always something to do, and sometimes one must resign to the fact that this is the way the world works.
I enjoy my idealism, my passion, my drive, my emotion. Yes, it leaves me wounded at times, but I'm also stubborn, so I get up and keep on moving. In my mind moving towards a small bit of change is better than not moving at all, so for now I take what I can get.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Sleep
I never get enough sleep. In the past year I can only think of 4 times that I have gotten 6 or more hours of sleep in a row, and one of those I was medicated. This is nothing new though, I've had issues with insomnia since I was in high school. In college it was normal for me to only plan on about 6 hours of sleep a night. When I was pregnant I was getting up 3 or 4 times a night, and was awake about every hour. So having Hana get up two or three times a night really isn't such a big deal.
I know some of you will be shocked that my 10.5 month old still wakes up at night. She doesn't get up to eat, and usually doesn't need a diaper change, she just wakes. About half the time she puts herself back to sleep, sometimes she needs her soother, and sometimes she needs help getting back to sleep and comes into our bed, or I don't feel like getting up at 7 and bring her in bed with me with the hope that she'll go back to sleep until 9 - but those ones don't really count because it's technically morning when she wakes up.
I'm not bothered by Hana waking up at night, because I know I wake up at night, and Ben wakes up at night, and pretty much everyone I know wakes up at some point during the night and then falls back asleep. I don't even mind going in to help soothe her and help her get back to sleep - motherhood is a 24 hour job and I want Hana to know that I'm there for her no matter what time it is.
That's not to say that I don't get frustrated or even angry at times over the whole situation. There have been times when Hana has been in her crib crying with me sitting on the floor, also crying, and holding her hand. There have been times when I've had to wake Ben to help soothe her because I just couldn't take it anymore. There have been times when Hana and I have had to sleep on the couch to keep from waking the rest of the household. Frequently I nap during the day to catch up on sleep I miss at night (although usually missing sleep at night has nothing to do with Hana). It's rough, it's annoying, it stresses me out, and there are nights when all three of us have ended up crying. But Hana is never left to cry alone.
Not that I think crying will necessarily cause any permanent damage (altho if high levels of stress hormones are bad for adults I can't see how they couldn't be bad for babies...). I just know that if someone I love heard me crying and didn't offer comfort I'd feel alone and abandoned, and crying myself to sleep gives me horrible headaches and bad dreams, and I don't want to treat Hana in a way that I would not want to be treated. I know this is temporary. And I know getting her to sleep through the night is no guarantee that I'll get any more sleep than I usually do anyway.
(as a side note, STTN is usually defined as sleeping from midnight to 5 am without waking. I don't understand why people get in such a row over infants of x age needing to be able to STTN - at the age of 24 I still rarely fit that definition, and I was sleep trained...)
With moving and teething and transitioning to one nap things have been a little rougher than usual with sleep. She went from waking once a night (around 5) to waking twice a night, and then on bad teething nights sometimes 3 times (when the advil wears off). She's been doing well lately, going down MUCH easier since we dropped the morning nap and settling herself the first time she wakes at night.
Anyway. I was thinking early this morning (3:23 to be exact...) as I tried to comfort my crying daughter by leaning over her crib and rubbing her head - why is baby's sleep such a hot topic?
If you look at humanity though the eyes of anthropology, babies waking in the night and needing comfort is completely normal and to be expected. No matter how you believe humanity came into existence, you can't deny the fact that for a good chunk of our history we were tribal, nomadic, and lived communally - babies had to be kept close for their own safety - the threat of animals, cold, and other dangers was a real one. Globally most babies sleep with their mothers, not in a crib down the hall. Sharing sleep regulates temperature, digestion, and breathing. Sleep cycles become synchronized. Most of all, the baby knows they are safe and secure. A baby can not survive on their own, and they know that. I think waking at night for comfort is just their way of making sure we remember that they are completely dependent on us, no matter how independent and self sufficient we trick ourselves into believing they are.
(and as that thought was running through my mind I picked Hana up and brought her in bed with me, she settled and we got to stay in bed until 9, with one short waking around 5:30)
Not that I'm against cribs - Hana is peacefully sleeping in hers right now. But I can't deny that she (and possibly Ben and I) would probably get more sleep if she was in bed with us. Maybe all these "sleep issues" we think babies have are actually ones we bring on ourselves.
I know some of you will be shocked that my 10.5 month old still wakes up at night. She doesn't get up to eat, and usually doesn't need a diaper change, she just wakes. About half the time she puts herself back to sleep, sometimes she needs her soother, and sometimes she needs help getting back to sleep and comes into our bed, or I don't feel like getting up at 7 and bring her in bed with me with the hope that she'll go back to sleep until 9 - but those ones don't really count because it's technically morning when she wakes up.
I'm not bothered by Hana waking up at night, because I know I wake up at night, and Ben wakes up at night, and pretty much everyone I know wakes up at some point during the night and then falls back asleep. I don't even mind going in to help soothe her and help her get back to sleep - motherhood is a 24 hour job and I want Hana to know that I'm there for her no matter what time it is.
That's not to say that I don't get frustrated or even angry at times over the whole situation. There have been times when Hana has been in her crib crying with me sitting on the floor, also crying, and holding her hand. There have been times when I've had to wake Ben to help soothe her because I just couldn't take it anymore. There have been times when Hana and I have had to sleep on the couch to keep from waking the rest of the household. Frequently I nap during the day to catch up on sleep I miss at night (although usually missing sleep at night has nothing to do with Hana). It's rough, it's annoying, it stresses me out, and there are nights when all three of us have ended up crying. But Hana is never left to cry alone.
Not that I think crying will necessarily cause any permanent damage (altho if high levels of stress hormones are bad for adults I can't see how they couldn't be bad for babies...). I just know that if someone I love heard me crying and didn't offer comfort I'd feel alone and abandoned, and crying myself to sleep gives me horrible headaches and bad dreams, and I don't want to treat Hana in a way that I would not want to be treated. I know this is temporary. And I know getting her to sleep through the night is no guarantee that I'll get any more sleep than I usually do anyway.
(as a side note, STTN is usually defined as sleeping from midnight to 5 am without waking. I don't understand why people get in such a row over infants of x age needing to be able to STTN - at the age of 24 I still rarely fit that definition, and I was sleep trained...)
With moving and teething and transitioning to one nap things have been a little rougher than usual with sleep. She went from waking once a night (around 5) to waking twice a night, and then on bad teething nights sometimes 3 times (when the advil wears off). She's been doing well lately, going down MUCH easier since we dropped the morning nap and settling herself the first time she wakes at night.
Anyway. I was thinking early this morning (3:23 to be exact...) as I tried to comfort my crying daughter by leaning over her crib and rubbing her head - why is baby's sleep such a hot topic?
If you look at humanity though the eyes of anthropology, babies waking in the night and needing comfort is completely normal and to be expected. No matter how you believe humanity came into existence, you can't deny the fact that for a good chunk of our history we were tribal, nomadic, and lived communally - babies had to be kept close for their own safety - the threat of animals, cold, and other dangers was a real one. Globally most babies sleep with their mothers, not in a crib down the hall. Sharing sleep regulates temperature, digestion, and breathing. Sleep cycles become synchronized. Most of all, the baby knows they are safe and secure. A baby can not survive on their own, and they know that. I think waking at night for comfort is just their way of making sure we remember that they are completely dependent on us, no matter how independent and self sufficient we trick ourselves into believing they are.
(and as that thought was running through my mind I picked Hana up and brought her in bed with me, she settled and we got to stay in bed until 9, with one short waking around 5:30)
Not that I'm against cribs - Hana is peacefully sleeping in hers right now. But I can't deny that she (and possibly Ben and I) would probably get more sleep if she was in bed with us. Maybe all these "sleep issues" we think babies have are actually ones we bring on ourselves.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
In other news...
My baby has a tooth. FINALLY!
Hana started teeething at 9 weeks. Yup. Chewing on hands, drooling, cranky, liked it when I rubbed her gums, swolen gums, everything. SHe would have at least a couple days every week where she was out of sorts and chewing on everything, but most days were ok. THe last month has been a little rough.
So she's pretty cranky, and another tooth is about ready to come through, and her top gums are swollen. It's going to be fun here for a while.
Hana started teeething at 9 weeks. Yup. Chewing on hands, drooling, cranky, liked it when I rubbed her gums, swolen gums, everything. SHe would have at least a couple days every week where she was out of sorts and chewing on everything, but most days were ok. THe last month has been a little rough.
So she's pretty cranky, and another tooth is about ready to come through, and her top gums are swollen. It's going to be fun here for a while.
Media Awareness
Sometimes the propaganda floating around out there just makes me sick. This is just a friendly little reminder to take everything you see with a grain of salt - it seems no one is telling the full story
Friday, September 14, 2007
Guilty
I have issues.
Ok, so that much goes without saying. More specifically, I have guilt issues. THey come from a few different sources, here's some of the major ones:
- Close relationships with passive-agressive/manipulative people. THese people have the unique ability to bend reality to suit their needs, making others responsible for their feelings, actions, disappointments etc. It's hard enough bearing the weight of one's own live, let alone that of others.
- Work situations that caused me to bear the consequences of the decisions of others. This is why I'm always nice to people who work at call centers. It's not their fault; they're just doing their job.
- The inability to meet unspoken expectations. I will do all I can do to meet a reasonable expectation, but if all I feel is the negativity from not meeting some obscure hidden standard, I'm left feeling defeated.
So I have this issues, and I'm aware of it, but that doesn't make it go away. For example, a few weeks back I told Tyler and Denise I'd help chaperone a trip to the zoo for their summer program. THe day before the trip the breaks started acting up in the car and I didn't feel save having Hana in it (and Ben didn't like having me in it...). Unfortunately, because of circumstances beyond my control, me not going would me the trip couldn't happen. THankfully something worked out, but I still felt guilty all day for causing the complication.
I'm realizing my guilt issues affect my life. If Hana can't sleep I feel it's because I'm a bad mother. THe rational part of me knows it's because she's overtired/going through a pahse/whatever.
It doesn't matter, I still feel responsible, and I still feel guilty.
I have sleep issues. Sometimes they interrupt the daily flow of our family because I need to nap. Usually, instead of sleeping, I toss and turn because I feel guilty for needing the sleep.
I let myself get into situations that I know are unhealthy for me because protecting myself would put someone else out.
I'm pretty much always feeling guilty.
I really don't know what to do. I feel so responsible for the happiness/fulfillment/dreams/expectations of those around me that at times I just feel helpless. And then I feel like it's all my fault and feel guilty for having any frustration, let alone expressing it.
So here's my idea. I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just setting some ground rules to try and make things a little easier.
- If lack of sleep is preventing me from being effective in what I am trying to do and the opportunity to sleep arises, I will take it.
- If my family does not regularly enjoy a specific food or drink it should not be expected that we regularly have it available, no matter how much our guests may enjoy it, so long as we have a suitable substitute.
- being a good wife and mother means regularly taking time for myself and my passions. I will fell free to do so as long as my immediate responsibilities to my husband and child are taken care of.
- I have a right to my opinions and am entitled to express them respectfully.
- I am not responsible for the happiness of others so long as I am treating them with dignity and respect.
- I can not be held accountable for the decisions, attitudes or actions of those around me.
- The house needs to be cleaned once a week; it doesn't even all have to be on the same day. When other things are more important, housework will wait.
Now maybe if I can remember those things I'll be able to ease up on myself a bit.
Ok, so that much goes without saying. More specifically, I have guilt issues. THey come from a few different sources, here's some of the major ones:
- Close relationships with passive-agressive/manipulative people. THese people have the unique ability to bend reality to suit their needs, making others responsible for their feelings, actions, disappointments etc. It's hard enough bearing the weight of one's own live, let alone that of others.
- Work situations that caused me to bear the consequences of the decisions of others. This is why I'm always nice to people who work at call centers. It's not their fault; they're just doing their job.
- The inability to meet unspoken expectations. I will do all I can do to meet a reasonable expectation, but if all I feel is the negativity from not meeting some obscure hidden standard, I'm left feeling defeated.
So I have this issues, and I'm aware of it, but that doesn't make it go away. For example, a few weeks back I told Tyler and Denise I'd help chaperone a trip to the zoo for their summer program. THe day before the trip the breaks started acting up in the car and I didn't feel save having Hana in it (and Ben didn't like having me in it...). Unfortunately, because of circumstances beyond my control, me not going would me the trip couldn't happen. THankfully something worked out, but I still felt guilty all day for causing the complication.
I'm realizing my guilt issues affect my life. If Hana can't sleep I feel it's because I'm a bad mother. THe rational part of me knows it's because she's overtired/going through a pahse/whatever.
It doesn't matter, I still feel responsible, and I still feel guilty.
I have sleep issues. Sometimes they interrupt the daily flow of our family because I need to nap. Usually, instead of sleeping, I toss and turn because I feel guilty for needing the sleep.
I let myself get into situations that I know are unhealthy for me because protecting myself would put someone else out.
I'm pretty much always feeling guilty.
I really don't know what to do. I feel so responsible for the happiness/fulfillment/dreams/expectations of those around me that at times I just feel helpless. And then I feel like it's all my fault and feel guilty for having any frustration, let alone expressing it.
So here's my idea. I'm not trying to be selfish, I'm just setting some ground rules to try and make things a little easier.
- If lack of sleep is preventing me from being effective in what I am trying to do and the opportunity to sleep arises, I will take it.
- If my family does not regularly enjoy a specific food or drink it should not be expected that we regularly have it available, no matter how much our guests may enjoy it, so long as we have a suitable substitute.
- being a good wife and mother means regularly taking time for myself and my passions. I will fell free to do so as long as my immediate responsibilities to my husband and child are taken care of.
- I have a right to my opinions and am entitled to express them respectfully.
- I am not responsible for the happiness of others so long as I am treating them with dignity and respect.
- I can not be held accountable for the decisions, attitudes or actions of those around me.
- The house needs to be cleaned once a week; it doesn't even all have to be on the same day. When other things are more important, housework will wait.
Now maybe if I can remember those things I'll be able to ease up on myself a bit.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Fun and Games
Hana and I have a new game.
I lay her down on the floor at one end of the room, then go to my computer at the other end and see how much I can get done before she rolls over and pulls on the coards.
It's fun, and she's getting quick!
I lay her down on the floor at one end of the room, then go to my computer at the other end and see how much I can get done before she rolls over and pulls on the coards.
It's fun, and she's getting quick!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Confessions of a reluctant co-sleeper
When I was pregnant with Hana I had so many ideas and thoughts about how I would parent. Within about a month they pretty much all went out the window.
The hardest one for me to get over was my disinterest in co-sleeping. Ok, disinterest is too mild of a word. I hated the idea. Ben and I had decided that Hana would be in our room for the first month or two in a pack-n-play bassinet, and then she would sleep in her own bed. That lasted about half a night.
When I was struggling with nursing, I would bring Hana in bed with me because side-lying was pretty much the only osition that worked for us. However the fear of rolling on her and the attitude that I would never be able to get her out of our bed made that short lived, and back to the pack-n-play she went once I stopped nursing.
That was when I realized she was a very noisy sleeper, and we all decided (as in I decided) that we'd sleep better if she was in her crib. I'd rock her and settle her and then I was free for the night.
Or at least free until the early morning hours when she thought it was morning and I still wanted more sleep.
And so the routine began. I lay down with Hana to help her go to sleep, then move her into her bed, and then sometime between midnight and 7 am she comes back in with us.
My reasons are selfish though. It's easier to pop her soother in her mouth when it's inches away from me instead of accross the hall. And she sleeps longer in our bed, which means I sleep longer, and that's always a good thing.
But we still don't co-sleep all the time. Not because of the insane idea she'll be sleeping with us until she's a teen. I mean come on people, if sleep associations from infancy were that far ingraned then most of us would still be in cribs wailing before we fell asleep. No, it's because I can't get over my need for my own space. I can't let go of the idea that it's my only baby free time (even if it does only come in two hour incriments).
x n n nm mn n n ç gb vbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb xc zx n hn xcv ˜¨hjjx∆˙vz (Hana's contribution to the subject....).
So for now, Hana is welcome in our bed at any point in the night, so long as when I go to bed I can convince myself she's spending the night in her own room.
The hardest one for me to get over was my disinterest in co-sleeping. Ok, disinterest is too mild of a word. I hated the idea. Ben and I had decided that Hana would be in our room for the first month or two in a pack-n-play bassinet, and then she would sleep in her own bed. That lasted about half a night.
When I was struggling with nursing, I would bring Hana in bed with me because side-lying was pretty much the only osition that worked for us. However the fear of rolling on her and the attitude that I would never be able to get her out of our bed made that short lived, and back to the pack-n-play she went once I stopped nursing.
That was when I realized she was a very noisy sleeper, and we all decided (as in I decided) that we'd sleep better if she was in her crib. I'd rock her and settle her and then I was free for the night.
Or at least free until the early morning hours when she thought it was morning and I still wanted more sleep.
And so the routine began. I lay down with Hana to help her go to sleep, then move her into her bed, and then sometime between midnight and 7 am she comes back in with us.
My reasons are selfish though. It's easier to pop her soother in her mouth when it's inches away from me instead of accross the hall. And she sleeps longer in our bed, which means I sleep longer, and that's always a good thing.
But we still don't co-sleep all the time. Not because of the insane idea she'll be sleeping with us until she's a teen. I mean come on people, if sleep associations from infancy were that far ingraned then most of us would still be in cribs wailing before we fell asleep. No, it's because I can't get over my need for my own space. I can't let go of the idea that it's my only baby free time (even if it does only come in two hour incriments).
x n n nm mn n n ç gb vbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb xc zx n hn xcv ˜¨hjjx∆˙vz (Hana's contribution to the subject....).
So for now, Hana is welcome in our bed at any point in the night, so long as when I go to bed I can convince myself she's spending the night in her own room.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Nimy
Is the name of my new kitten. Well, almost my new kitten. Officially I'm just fostering her, but it's only a matter of time.
She's about 6 weeks old and was abandoned by her owners at a bus stop. Thankfully one of the volunteers with Carma was there at the time. She came to the house two days ago and has already made herself at home. She' tiny, cute, persistant and full of energy (just like another little girl in my life....).
So why nimy? It's short for Nimrod...makes me giggle.
Pictures to come.
She's about 6 weeks old and was abandoned by her owners at a bus stop. Thankfully one of the volunteers with Carma was there at the time. She came to the house two days ago and has already made herself at home. She' tiny, cute, persistant and full of energy (just like another little girl in my life....).
So why nimy? It's short for Nimrod...makes me giggle.
Pictures to come.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Mobility
Hana is mobile.
She's still not crawling, but she can get anywhere she wants by rolling and wiggling. It's pretty entertaining to watch actually. She seems to be always moving now. ALWAYS. Last night at 5 (yay 5! So much better than 2 or 3!) I had to change her. She was on her belly. Have you ever tried to change a baby when they're on their belly? Here's step by step instructions:
1 - Turn baby on to back then reach to unfasten diaper.
2 - Turn baby back onto her back, hold her with one hand and unfasten the diaper.
3 - Get the new diaper.
4 - Turn naked baby back onto her back
5 - grab baby by ankles and remove wet diaper (note: hold ankles tightly as baby will try to twist around again)
6 - place new diaper under baby and ease her down onto it
7 - let go of ankles while holding baby's belly with other hand
8 - fasten one side of diaper (note: which ever side you try to fasten, baby will decide to roll to)
9 - turn baby back onto her back
10 - repeat
11 - fake fastening one side until baby turns, then quickly fasten the other
12 - repeat steps 9-11 as needed
It's fun having her able to roll around, and we think she'll be crawling/scooting soon, but we'll see. Right now she and Caylee are playing around on the floor watching kittens. I love being a mom!
She's still not crawling, but she can get anywhere she wants by rolling and wiggling. It's pretty entertaining to watch actually. She seems to be always moving now. ALWAYS. Last night at 5 (yay 5! So much better than 2 or 3!) I had to change her. She was on her belly. Have you ever tried to change a baby when they're on their belly? Here's step by step instructions:
1 - Turn baby on to back then reach to unfasten diaper.
2 - Turn baby back onto her back, hold her with one hand and unfasten the diaper.
3 - Get the new diaper.
4 - Turn naked baby back onto her back
5 - grab baby by ankles and remove wet diaper (note: hold ankles tightly as baby will try to twist around again)
6 - place new diaper under baby and ease her down onto it
7 - let go of ankles while holding baby's belly with other hand
8 - fasten one side of diaper (note: which ever side you try to fasten, baby will decide to roll to)
9 - turn baby back onto her back
10 - repeat
11 - fake fastening one side until baby turns, then quickly fasten the other
12 - repeat steps 9-11 as needed
It's fun having her able to roll around, and we think she'll be crawling/scooting soon, but we'll see. Right now she and Caylee are playing around on the floor watching kittens. I love being a mom!
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Mighty God
Have you ever sat and meditated on the might of God?
mighty (as defined by the dictonary widget) means "posessing great and impressive power or strength, especially on account of size".
So an ant being able to lift 10x it's weight could be considered mighty. Or a small group of people taking on and winning against a huge corperation can be considered mighty. Such a small force achieving something so great is a display of might.
Now think of how huge God is. The God of all gods, creator of heaven and earth. Think of the force - the power or strength - that He exhibits in order to be called mighty.
I grew up near water, on the Saint John River minutes away from where it met with the Bay of Fundy. In my teens I used to spend a lot of time on the bay watching the waves, or out in the middl eof the night in a thunder storm. There was something so beautifully frightning about those times. The power of the water, the rumble of the thunder, the flash of the lightning. It made me feel small, and yet at the same time so very safe.
I serve the God who can still the waves, the One who created the thunder and the lightning.
TO be in the presence of God is to experience something beautifully frightning. I love the image from Isaiah 6. He describes the scene with such detail, he must have been struck by the beauty of it. Still, he is aware of himself, of his folly, his faults, his powerlesness in the face of the might of God. And God, in another display of His might, welcomes him, cleanses him, makes him worthy.
Why do I consider the forgiveness of God a display of might? None can be His equal. No one on earth could even come close to comparing, we're in a different class, a different creature all together. The Father created us and can so easily rule over us.
But He doesn't.
Instead He forgives, teaches, loves, accapts and welcomes us as His children. We are not a threat to Him, not in our disbelief, our good and bad intentions, in our ambitions or anything. God's might is so huge, so absolute, that He is able to lower Himself, to come as a servant, to die as an innocent in order to make us live, and still be God, no less powerful, no less holy, no less mighty.
Praise be to the mighty God
mighty (as defined by the dictonary widget) means "posessing great and impressive power or strength, especially on account of size".
So an ant being able to lift 10x it's weight could be considered mighty. Or a small group of people taking on and winning against a huge corperation can be considered mighty. Such a small force achieving something so great is a display of might.
Now think of how huge God is. The God of all gods, creator of heaven and earth. Think of the force - the power or strength - that He exhibits in order to be called mighty.
I grew up near water, on the Saint John River minutes away from where it met with the Bay of Fundy. In my teens I used to spend a lot of time on the bay watching the waves, or out in the middl eof the night in a thunder storm. There was something so beautifully frightning about those times. The power of the water, the rumble of the thunder, the flash of the lightning. It made me feel small, and yet at the same time so very safe.
I serve the God who can still the waves, the One who created the thunder and the lightning.
TO be in the presence of God is to experience something beautifully frightning. I love the image from Isaiah 6. He describes the scene with such detail, he must have been struck by the beauty of it. Still, he is aware of himself, of his folly, his faults, his powerlesness in the face of the might of God. And God, in another display of His might, welcomes him, cleanses him, makes him worthy.
Why do I consider the forgiveness of God a display of might? None can be His equal. No one on earth could even come close to comparing, we're in a different class, a different creature all together. The Father created us and can so easily rule over us.
But He doesn't.
Instead He forgives, teaches, loves, accapts and welcomes us as His children. We are not a threat to Him, not in our disbelief, our good and bad intentions, in our ambitions or anything. God's might is so huge, so absolute, that He is able to lower Himself, to come as a servant, to die as an innocent in order to make us live, and still be God, no less powerful, no less holy, no less mighty.
Praise be to the mighty God
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Exodus part 3 - The Mountain
The mountain.
Part 2 is here, part 1 is here
The mountain was the destination, the purpose of the exodus. The people were called out of Egypt to go to the mountain to worship God.
Then something went bad. Very bad.
While at the foot of the mountain they heard God's voice, and it terrified them. It scared them so much that they decided they didn't want to hear from God anymore. That was Moses' job, not theirs. So they sent him up to talk to God while they waited.
You have to wonder how long that was. Apparently for some it was far too long, they got bored. They got so bored in fact that they had time to cast an idol out of gold. THink of how much time and effort that would have taken. Finding a craftsman, collecting the cold, melting it, molding it. THis was no spur of the moment decision.
They had encountered the real and livng God, but He was too much for them. THey wanted a tamer God. One they could see, one they could control. They made a calf.
How stupid that seems when we look at it. We with our vast knowledge and understanding of God. Yeah....right...
How many times have we been touched byt he breath of God and turned away? How many times have we felt real worship, have we joined with heaven itself in praise to the King, and then decided it was too uncomfortable. Too unpredictable. Too lavish. Too eccentric. Too whatever.
I'm not saying we should (or even can) continually live in that space, in that moment where there is God and nothing else. As wonderful as it would seem, we couldn't survive in that space, it's not where we're supposed to be, at least not yet. As important and wonderful as praise is, we should be more like Isaiah, crying "woe is me" as we experience the presence of God, offering to be sent out in His name so that we may be welcomed back to praise when our time has come.
Still, worship is neglected. Real, true authentic connections with God scare us. THey're unpredictable. THey're not "seeker friendly", they don't fit the time frame. Heck, sometimes connecting with God doesn't even fit in the church building.
There is a deep need for God and at the same time a deep fear of Him. Perhaps is the residue of our sin nature, perhaps it's just the result of our humanity, I don't know. I do know, however, that there is a tendancy to try and create worship instead of experiencing worship. THe Israelites did do what they were supposed to - they worshiped. It was the object, the method, the content of that worship that needed to change. Perhaps the same is true in our lives.
Part 2 is here, part 1 is here
The mountain was the destination, the purpose of the exodus. The people were called out of Egypt to go to the mountain to worship God.
Then something went bad. Very bad.
While at the foot of the mountain they heard God's voice, and it terrified them. It scared them so much that they decided they didn't want to hear from God anymore. That was Moses' job, not theirs. So they sent him up to talk to God while they waited.
You have to wonder how long that was. Apparently for some it was far too long, they got bored. They got so bored in fact that they had time to cast an idol out of gold. THink of how much time and effort that would have taken. Finding a craftsman, collecting the cold, melting it, molding it. THis was no spur of the moment decision.
They had encountered the real and livng God, but He was too much for them. THey wanted a tamer God. One they could see, one they could control. They made a calf.
How stupid that seems when we look at it. We with our vast knowledge and understanding of God. Yeah....right...
How many times have we been touched byt he breath of God and turned away? How many times have we felt real worship, have we joined with heaven itself in praise to the King, and then decided it was too uncomfortable. Too unpredictable. Too lavish. Too eccentric. Too whatever.
I'm not saying we should (or even can) continually live in that space, in that moment where there is God and nothing else. As wonderful as it would seem, we couldn't survive in that space, it's not where we're supposed to be, at least not yet. As important and wonderful as praise is, we should be more like Isaiah, crying "woe is me" as we experience the presence of God, offering to be sent out in His name so that we may be welcomed back to praise when our time has come.
Still, worship is neglected. Real, true authentic connections with God scare us. THey're unpredictable. THey're not "seeker friendly", they don't fit the time frame. Heck, sometimes connecting with God doesn't even fit in the church building.
There is a deep need for God and at the same time a deep fear of Him. Perhaps is the residue of our sin nature, perhaps it's just the result of our humanity, I don't know. I do know, however, that there is a tendancy to try and create worship instead of experiencing worship. THe Israelites did do what they were supposed to - they worshiped. It was the object, the method, the content of that worship that needed to change. Perhaps the same is true in our lives.
Monday, September 03, 2007
10 months
My baby is 10 months old. I now have a baby who can figure out a way to get almost anywhere she needs to go, even if she's not quite crawling. She can also stand while holding on to things, and pull up to her feet when holding our hands. Her first word is kitty (well, acutally it's more kihteee, but we get the point). She's also started eating well, almost two jars of baby food a day plus whatever I can give her from supper. She's learned the art of making faces for laughs and is a great source of joy and laughter for anyone around her.
As Hana grows I become more aware and in awe of the love of God. I am forming dreams for her, but I know that my desires will only play a small part in the person she becomes. I know I am her caretaker, and that at some point I will have to let her find her own path, and now that she's moving around that thought is at times frightening. I'm amazed that God would trust me to such a task, it is my highest priority.
As Hana grows I become more aware and in awe of the love of God. I am forming dreams for her, but I know that my desires will only play a small part in the person she becomes. I know I am her caretaker, and that at some point I will have to let her find her own path, and now that she's moving around that thought is at times frightening. I'm amazed that God would trust me to such a task, it is my highest priority.
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