Mother Am I

Weekly WIP, New Year Edition

2012-01-13T11:31:00.001-04:00

I admit, there wasn't much knitting going on for a while. I ended up ripping back Ben's Sweater and starting over, but starting over means I've already done it, so it's hard to get motivated. Especially after having to redo Mom's mitts (which were finished for Christmas and were very much appreciated, pictures to come!). I also was dead sick for a while and couldn't do anything.

However, I have still managed to get a little bit done here and there
OTN:
Still working on my socks and am just past the heels.

I also started a very nice lacy cowl.

The yarn for this is some knit picks shadow. I bought it a couple years ago and have started almost a dozen projects with it, but they've never been quite right. So far I'm really happy with this (and just want to have this yarn turn into something). Only thing I think it's missing is beads, but oh well, I'll survive.

OTW:
I just finished some really nice blue yarn

Once it's dry it will become a hat for my dad. More on that later.

Last night I started spinning my multicolour batt

It's going to be a fluffy, slubby two ply and hopefully soon some mittens for a friend.

Proud Moment?

2012-01-11T15:24:00.000-04:00

I am so proud of my daughter and the person she's growing up to be. A little nervous about the coming year (because she's far too much like me), but also very excited.

Here's some snippits from today:

I had just deposted a screaming boy in his room (he was mad because he didn't want to use the stool to get on the potty and I wouldn't lift him on) and I had flopped on my bed waiting for him to calm down. The screaming boy opened his door and whined his way downstairs.
Hana: mama isn't here Eli
Eli : why not?
Hana: She's having a time out
Eli: Why?
Hana: she needed some quiet time.

And then later, I heard the kids (my two plus my neighbours 3 year old) playing on the stairs.

Me: Guys? What are you doing?
Hana: Playing!
Me: Playing what?
Hana: I don't know what it's called.
Me: Well what do you do?
Hana: I don't want....ah....it's hard to explain
Me: Woud I not like it if I knew what you were doing?
Hana: I'm going to go do my homework

Then I overhear her talking to the boys : Don't do that guys, mama wouldn't like it.

Solstice

2011-12-22T12:06:00.002-04:00

It's the holiday season. As I've grown up, and especially since I've had kids, the holidays are changing for me and meaning so many different things.

One thing that I've taken more time to consider and recognize is solstice. Winter solstice is the longest night of the year. It's a time when we remember that no matter how dark and cold things my get, the light will always return.

One of the reasons Christmas is placed at this time of year (because Jesus was not born in December and his birth wasn't even celebrated by the early Christians) is because of that idea - the light returning, the darkness melting away.

I like to take time around solstice to think about that - about what life is like in the darkness and cold, without hope and light. I remember that there are so many people in the world who live in that darkness, in the hoplessness. I remember that part of my responsiblility as a Christian is to be a light to those around me, in whatever way I can.

I know I'm a day late with this, but regarless, happy solstice!

Weekly WIP: Pathetic Edition

2011-12-19T12:33:00.003-04:00

I know, I know, it's been a while.

Thing is, I wasn't really getting much done, so the Weekly WIP was going to get a bit monotonous. I did start and frog the same scarf 4 times, but I doubt that process would have been very much fun to watch.

However, my efforts weren't completly void of accomplishments. I prestent to you, one really full bobbin of yarn:

That's the Orange Pulworth that I started last month, all plied. It's now skeined and washed and just waiting for whatever it is going to become. It's super fluffy, slightly underspun and wicked soft. I'm very happy with this yarn.

I am making progress on that thing my mom can't see (how's that for subtle?) and still have high hopes that it will be finished for Christmas. Thankfully Christmas day will involve a good chunk of car time that's just perfect for knitting.

Everything else is on hold right now while I finish up, but I have stuff planned for the new year. The space that my church is meeting in right now is most often used as a dance studio, so we have to be careful with the floors. With winter and snow and slush etc, often outdoor shoes need to be removed. I hope to make a few pairs of slippers (and others are going to contribute too) so we'll have some if people would like to use them. I also have a special project planned for my dad (who is on my knitting blacklist right now because I knit him socks two years ago and they have yet to touch his feet) and I have some gorgeous silver lacewight sitting around that would look just lovely with some beads.

In other words, despite my lact of progress lately, stay tuned because good stuff is coming.

Weekly WIP (Thursday Edition)

2011-12-01T12:17:00.001-04:00

So, in an effort to force myself to pick up the thing that my mom can't look at, I wasn't letting myself cast on anything new. So basically I didn't knit a whole lot this week.

Recently Finished:

The scarf and mitts for my friend Sarah. She's going to help me decorate for Christmas and this is her thank you, and just because she's awesome and I love her.

OTN:

Still working on Ben's Sweater - the body is resting on some scrap yarn and I'm ready to cast on the sleeves.

My socks are coming right along - I'm almost up to the heel. I can't decide if I'm going to do my standard short row heel or try Cat Bhordi's Sweet Tomatoe heel. I think it will come down to where I am when I am ready to start it. If I'm home I can watch the video and do the new one, if not, I'll stick with what I know.

OTW:
er, same as last week, but look at this!

Pictures don't do it justice, it's super fun and sparkly and pretty! I bought it from Heidi out at London Wul and can't wait to get at this once the orange stuff is finished.

OK mom, stop reading now. Unless you want to ruin the surprise.

So....you may be wondering what became of those other things I was working on....well....right now it looks like this:

So what happened was I started these mitts back in March (I think?) for my mom. Got one almost finished (I was working on the thumb) and then got distracted by other things (mostly this and this and this....it happens). I put off picking it up again for two reasons:

1. I wasn't really happy with them. There were a couple mistakes in the inside pattern, and they were small. I could wear them, but they were tight. My mom's hands are the same size as mine (only reason I kept going), but they weren't comfortable.

2. I knew by the time I picked them up it would be impossible to get the same gague and I'd end up with one mitt bigger than the other.

So finally today I picked them up and finished the thumb. It looked like this \_/. Narrower at the bottom than at the top. Because my gague had changed.

I thought it would be hard to rip it out, but actually it felt kinda good. I feel clean. I can move on now, start again. They might not get done for Christmas (sorry mom.....), but they will get done, I'm not dreading working on them anymore. Not sure if I'll manage to do them two at a time or not tho.

Balance

2011-11-28T11:12:00.000-04:00

Life is all about balancing things, managing the tension between two extremes. Some days I'm better at it than others, but what I've learned is that something, inevitably, has to give.

I can't have a clean house and knit. Some people can do that, but not me. Something has to give (and if you've ever been to my house, you know what that is).

Thing is, I'm ok with that. I've completely accepted that I'm not going to be good at everything. I'm human, not some sort of superwoman. There are days my house is a mess, and nights I choose to watch tv when I should be sleeping, and I do break down and yell at the kids now and then.

But those things don't define me as a mother or wife or person, I don't feel the "mommy guilt" like I used to. I don't strive for perfection, but for consistency and balance. In fact, slowly I've been able to come to a point where I don't compare myself to others, where I don't feel useless, where I'm actually proud of myself (at least most days, no one is perfect, right?)

I'm not sure how this change happened - wether I got fed up or grew up - but I'm glad it's changed.

Not about knitting

2011-11-24T21:40:00.001-04:00

I know, this may come as a surprise, but really the knitting posts were just to get me back in the habit of making posts, organizing throughts, writing things down. I hope blogging will again be a semi-regular occurance (even tho it's compeltely lost popularity, I'm either a hipster or commpletely uncool....or maybe those are the same thing....)

I find it interesting to go back and read my old blog posts. I laugh at myself a lot, somtimes I get nostalgic, sometimes I feel a little sad that I got all cynical and am not so....passionate....as I used to be (and this will probably be one of the posts I laugh at later, I'm not mentioning that some of my old posts are also a bit melodramatic).

The thing is tho, I can't be the same person I was. I can't be the newlywed fresh out of school ready to take on the world. I can't be the new mother so sure and scared at the same time. I need to be who I am now. Thankfully, I'm really happy with who I am right now, so that part isn't so hard.

I feel like I'm at a point where I can take all the best parts of who I've been and put them together. I've let go of a lot of the bad - there's been healing and forgiveness, growth and learning. Also, snark.

So once again this will be a catalogue of my thoughts and ideas and life. As well as regular updates on my knitting. Since I've started doing that I've been super prodictive (and still manage to at least sweep once a day, so it's not even a bad thing!).

WIP Wednesday, week 3

2011-11-23T08:54:00.000-04:00

I realize that this time of year I should be finishing up Christmas knitting, but i have a confession to make - I'm not really doing Christmas knitting this year. I do have that one thing that is slightly less than half done, but that's it.

Instead, this is what I've been working on:

Barter Mitts:

A friend of mine is going to help me decorate for Christmas, and in exchange I'm making her some cozy mitts and a scarf. Just need the thumb on the second mitt.

Perspective Socks also got cast on this week:

Green with coloured stripes or coloured with green stripes? This is going to be a slow going project - managing 4 balls of yarn isn't as fun as I had hoped (can't stand tangles!)

I'm also still working away on Ben's sweater, but it looks pretty much the same as last week (even tho I've added about 5" to it).

OTW:

Haloween Handspun:

I know, a little late getting to this bag of orange and black fluff, but at least it's getting done now, right? This is going to be some super fluffy/underspun two ply. I've got the first bobbin finished, maybe I'll get the second one done this week.

Recently Finished:

I actually got a couple things done between last week and this week!

The Tardis Socks just need to be blocked and sent off to Jen. My friend Krista did the last detail for me (embroydering Police Box on them) and I am eternally greatful.

I made some cowls for the kids too

It's cold here, and scarfs are a pain. They both love these and they took practically no time to knit. Hana was thrilled, she loves mine and wanted her own, except pink (of coruse).

Weekly WIP

2011-11-17T15:22:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I missed Wednesday.

Recently Finished:

Handspun Cowl!
Made with 100% merino yarn I spun at this year's Martime Spinner's Retreat. It's a chunky cable pattern and I'm in love.

OTN:

These are bound off, but not quite finished. I need to put the details on the windows and "Police Box" across the top of each TARDIS.

Ben's Sweater:

This is a Christmas present. It's not a surprise tho because it's hard to measure a grown man without him getting suspicious.

OTW:
Same as last week. I'm sorry to say there has been no spinning so far this week, but I plan on fixing that tonight - doing a lesson with a friend of mine.

WIP Wednesday

2011-11-09T11:41:00.001-04:00

So a facebook group I'm in does this, and I think it might be fun (and good motivation for me to finish things instead of just starting them).The other benefit will be taking pictures of things and keeping my Ravelry projects updated. We'll see how that goes. So here is what I'm working on right now:

OTN (on the needles):

My Vlad that I started on Monday. I'm one repeat away from the transition chart, then I'll have until next Monday to do the edging. I want to get it done for knit night next week because I'm crazy.

Tardis Socks for Jen. These literally only need about 3 more inches, and have taken me FAR too long to do (sorry Jen!). When I am done the shawl (or when I need a break from lace) I will work on them.

The next one doesn't have a picture because it's super top secret (mom, don't you dare click that link! I am not responsible if you do).Needs to be finished by Christmas, will take about two week. I've been putting it off because I have to reverse the chart, and only last week realized I could mirror it and save it as a new file.

OTW (on the wheel):

Super soft 100% merino that will be a two ply lace weight. Honestly I haven't worked on this for the last couple of weeks, but I really want to get back at it.

OTS (on the spindle)

BUNNEH! This is my bunny fluff. It's a long, ongoing project that will eventually become a shawl. I've got 130yds done - doesn't seem like a whole lot, but I'm not working on it very often.

Speaking

2011-09-18T20:03:00.000-03:00

Today was the second time I have spoken at church.

It feels good.

After working at the Summit I never thought I would speak like that again. I thought I had been wrong about my abilities, my gifts, my calling. I thought I had no business trying to teach or explain or lead people when it comes to God.

The last two years a lot has changed in my life. One of the biggest changes has been how I see God and my understanding of how he sees me.

I'm in a much better place than I was before.

I am thankful.

2011-07-25T11:26:00.000-03:00

Three years ago today I was supposed to be induced. I was 41 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I didn't want to be induced, so I was very excited to wake up with contractions. I had been having contractions regularly for a couple of weeks in the evenings (3-4 hrs a day, 8 or so minutes apart) but this was the first time I had woken up with them.

So I didn't go in to the hospital, instead just relaxed and prepared myself for my baby to be born. A few hours later the hospital called, and we agreed I'd go in for an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok.

It was, so I went home and continued labouring. Two days later Elias James Perry was born.

This picture was taken on the 26th right before we went into the hospital. My wonderful doula was able to snap it between contractions while I was sitting on my ball outside.

It's hard to believe it was 3 years ago. My boy is so big. He's sweet and kind and helpful and funny and he has this grin that is so infectious. Right now he's laying on the floor happy as can be playing with his Thomas the Tank Engine as happy as can be. I sort of feel the same way about being his mom.

For the want of a camera

2011-07-19T11:23:00.001-03:00

I've been knitting and spinning. In the past few weeks I've spun a lot of yarn (some of which I will be selling), knit a bathmat, almost finished a shawl and cast on two other shawls.

But you'll have to take my word for it.

I want to do a great post about all of my projects with pictures and everything

But our camera is broken

So for the want of a camera, a lack of a post.

(or, the lack of a good post at least)

Broken

2011-07-16T02:23:00.000-03:00

Sometimes I feel broken.

Right now it's 2 am and everyone is asleep. I should be asleep. And then when the kids wake up at 6 I should get up with them so my husband can sleep in. I should make pancakes or eggs for breakfast. I should take them to the market and then the library and bring home some healthy fresh food for lunch.

But instead I'm sitting up late. Ben will get up with the kids and let me sleep in (because he's good to me when I stay up too late...actually he's good to me all the time. I warned him when we got married not to spoil me. He didn't listen). I'll get out of bed and feel angry and frustrated with myself for wasting the morning sleeping. Another day will pass without me saving the world and I'll sit up again late tomorrow night thinking about how I've failed.

See the problem?

And yet, even tho I'm able to see outside of the loop, even tho I'm rational and capable enough to make a plan (just sent Ben an email to wake me up so I can take the kids out. Not at 6, but no one really wants to see me on 4 hrs of sleep), I still feel broken.

Romans 7:15
For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.

I want to be a better person who organizes activities for my children and has a tidy house and cooks for her husband every night. But instead I sit on the couch and roll my eyes at the kids and put off getting groceries. But really that's not the problem. The problem is that rather than changing something (either my actions or my expectations), I just sit here feeling bad about it. Staying up late feeling bad doesn't stop the problem at all. Actually, it makes it worse, because everything is worse in the middle of the night sitting up all alone.

So, new plan of action - turning off distractions (facebook, ravelry, games) by 11 and going to sleep by 12 every night for the next week. We'll see how that goes.

Returning

2011-07-07T20:52:00.000-03:00

It's been over a year since I last blogged. Honestly during that time I felt little need to post anything, and when I did I used the notes on facebook. Lately, however, I've been feeling more of a pull to write and share. For some reason this feels more private than facebook, even if it's still out there for all the world to see.

Right now it sort of feels like life is suspended. Husband is finished school and looking for work. The girl is starting school in the fall. The boy turns 3 (THREE?!?!?!) in a couple of weeks. I've been spinning and knitting and filling my time with friends and family - Trying to get as much out of the time as I can rather than feel like I'm waiting for something else to start.

In short, life is good.

5 Years

2010-06-04T16:32:00.000-03:00

Yes, I know this is a little late. Better late then never, right?

Ben and I have been married for 5 years. Those years have included two cross-country moves, two children, 3 cars, countless jobs, a mortgage, sickness, health, lots of richness and a little poorness. And a cat and a bunny.

Through everything I've learned to love and respect Ben more. I leared so much about myself, things I'm proud of and things I don't like so much. And I've realized that being naieve about everything that we were going to go through was a good thing - I might not have gone through with it, I don't think in my wildest dreams I would have known how strong he is, how strong we are together.

I said before we were married that he is my kite string. A kite can't fly without a string, it just gets tossed around by the wind. He keeps me grounded enough to let me soar, tolerates my hobbies and passions, tells me when I'm wrong, and supports anything I put my mind to.

He is the most wonderful man I could have married, an excellent father and my best friend.

Learning Worship

2010-02-17T08:46:00.003-04:00

Ben and I have been going to The Pool for almost a year now. It's wonderful for many reasons, but one of the most wonderful reasons is that my kids are learning to worship there.

The space is set up to allow people to connect with God in the way they need to. There are places to kneel, to pray, to be creative, to dance. There are candles to light and paper to write on, Bibles to read.

But more than just having those things available, it's encouraged that they're used, and it's natural to see it happen. People are encouraged to move around the space, to interact, to participate.

Along with this, children are encouraged to participate. There are crayons and papers available for them, as well as some books for them to look through. I don't feel the need to keep my kids quiet or entertained. So long as they are not being disruptive, they get all the same freedoms. It's wonderful to not have to try and restrain them while trying to worship myself - that never works.

So last Sunday an amazing thing happened. Hana sat with my friend Laura (because Laura was wonderful and willing to share her baby carrots). She sat there for a couple of songs singing. As Laura closed her eyes in worship, Hana watched her. At first she was concerned something was wrong, but after a little reassurance from me she closed her eyes too.

During another song someone got up and went to the art table. My curious daughter, not wanting to miss anything exciting, went to see what was happening. As Erin was drawing she passed some pastels over to Hana so she could participate too - connecting to God through art.

Once Hana was done there she noticed one of the older kids dancing. She joined in, turning and moving with the music and having a wonderful time.

I know that my 3 year old doesn't fully understand the meaning of what everyone was doing, but it just filled my heart to bursting that she was able to participate. For her it will be natural to connect to God through quiet reflection, through creative expression, through movement. It won't be awkward or uncomfortable like it is for most of us, there won't be that moment of "should I or shouldn't I" that goes through my head when I feel the need to do something other than just sitting there. I'm excited to see how that impacts her as she grows and experiences God for herself- excited to see what kind of worshiper she will be.

Remember me?

2010-02-03T11:11:00.003-04:00

I know, I know, it's been forever again. Sigh.

I was reading back through some of my old blog posts. Remembering, things that happened, people in my life. I was a different person then. Here I go getting all sentimental, but I was so light, idealistic, sure.

Things have changed since then. I hate to say it but I think I've become a little cynical, jaded.

There were things that happened that caused a lot of hurt. Relationships were broken. Situations changed. I changed.

I think I've grown a lot in the last few years. I hope I've become a better person. Still, I look back on those old posts and I admire that person. I admire the optimism, the faith, the peace.

I think I needed to change, and to grow, I think in general I handled things well. I wonder if I can get back those things. I've gained experience and wisdom and strenth in the last few years, those things I'm thankful for and wouldn't give up. I'm hoping I can have a mix of both - the faith and the wisdom, optimism and experience.

Three

2009-11-03T07:40:00.002-04:00

Three years ago today I was getting out of bed and heading to the hospital.

We signed forms, I got an IV, had one last ultrasound and waited for the OR. Hana was breech and was born through c-section. I remember lying on the table after getting my spinal block, nervous about the surgery but so excited to meet my baby girl. I watched the clock once they told me they were starting, and in less than 15 minutes they held up this beautiful baby girl.

I can't describe the feeling of finally having her in my arms. She was so tiny and precious. We had our struggles at first, but the more time we spent together, the more she was in my arms, the more I fell in love with her. Such a full personality, so much curiosity, determination, wonder. She changed the way I look at the world.

The more I get to know her, the more I'm amazed by her. Her determination and curiosity seem to intensify as she gets older. Her imagination, the way she cares about others, her sensitivity and creativity just amaze me.

She's growing up, not a baby anymore. I'm having such a wonderful time getting to know her, helping her learn, and learning from her. She is the one who made me a mother, and I'm so honoured to have her. Without her, without the challenges that we've gone through, without her sensitivity and way of looking at the world I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Happy Birthday babygirl, I love you so much!!!

October Update

2009-10-26T00:15:00.003-03:00

When I last updated about my kids, they were 6 months younger. Wow does a lot change in 6 months.

Eli is 15 months old. His favorite word is ball. He's not as verbal as Hana was at his age, but he is very mobile. He's toddling around like he's king of the world. He gives kisses in his own special way (read: bends down so you can kiss his head) and wants to eat everything in sight. He has 4 teeth with two on the way any minute now (please) and loves climbing things. In fact, he can get himself up on to all of the kids chairs we have. Unfortunately, he hasn't learned how to get himself down. He just sits there making his "stuck" noise until someone rescues him. He smiles all the time, this wonderful grin that just makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. He laughs all the time too, a true belly laugh, just like Hana. My kids make me enjoy life so much more than I ever thought possible.

Hana is aproaching 3 at high speed. She knows her birthday is on November 3. She knows she is going to be three. She knows her full name and that she lives in Moncton. She's learning letter sounds and how to use scissors. She has imaginary friends. In the last couple of months we've noticed a lot of changes with her. I swear someone is slipping her expresso behind my back. She never walks - she hops or runs or crawls or spins. She has this overwhelming need to touch or do or help with or hold or move or try or see or ask why about EVERYTHING. Example:

One day I was sitting (read: hiding) in the kitchen meditating (read: trying to gain a little sanity) when her blond little head peeks around the corner.

Hana: Mama, what are you doing?
me: I'm taking a little break babygirl (yes, I still call her babygirl, my mother still calls me boo on occasion, so I've got at least another 23 years with this nickname)
Hana: Can I come take a break with you?
me: No baby, not right now
Hana: Why mama?
me: Because if you were here it wouldn't be a break
Hana: Oh. After your done having break I can have a break with you?
me: ah, sure baby
Hana: Are you done a break now?

As exhausting as she is, she's so much fun. Every day when the boys nap we either do crafts or play with play dough or learn letter sounds or some other activity that's just for big kids, not for babies. She's very adamant that she is a big kid. Not a princess, not a boodle (one of my other nicknames for her), not a little girl. No no, she is a big kid, that's it.

As for Ben and I

He's doing well with school, has midterms next week, but he's not worried. He's really loving what he's studying and doing great with it. It's nice to see him so much less stressed and having time for things he enjoys and energy to spend with the kids.

Me, I'm doing great too. I'm knitting like crazy for Christmas but can't post details because family reads this (Hi everyone! Love you all!) but I'm pretty exciting about what's coming off the needles. Babysitting is doing well and we've got a pretty good routine going.

Life is good.

Dear Readers

2009-10-16T11:09:00.002-03:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. I'm sure I've left you wondering, I know I've spent time wondering if you're still out there.

See, I had a really bad year (read: decade) and after some particularly tough times during the summer (read: barely being able to function) the husband and I sat down to evaluate things (read: decided to start meds).

No really.

I've struggled off and on with depression since I was a teen. Through the troubles I had nursing, it was confirmed I had a serotonin* imbalance (the meds I tried to boost my supply messed with me, they were serotonin blockers. who knew.). I thought it was just a slight thing and kept doing what I always did when things were rough - eat well, sleep lots and try to ignore the desire to crawl into a hole and pretend I didn't exist. Only those things are really hard to do with two young kids and a husband.

This year was bad. The worst Ben has seen me (we met in 2001), I'd even say worse than when I was in High School because I didn't have the escape of classes and self injury. I was a mess. Angry, wanting to sleep all the time. Wanting to eat everything in sight. No patience for the kids or for Ben, isolating myself from my friends (sorry friends).

So I finally sucked up my fears and asked for antidepressants. It wasn't the stigma or anything that had kept me from meds before, it was a fear of what they would do to me (I have a nice family history of odd medical things/reactions) and I also didn't want to know what I had been missing.

Honestly, it was one of the best decisions in my life. I feel human, I feel free. I feel better than I did on the days I thought I felt good. It has made a fundamental change in the way I see myself and others. I don't feel like the scum of the earth. I don't worry about what people really think of me. I'm able to enjoy my kids and not feel like a horrible mother. I'm able to open up to my husband. When I smile it's because I'm actually happy rather than because I know I should feel happy.

Life has taken a huge upswing. We're in a church we absolutely love. Ben is back in school doing something he's always wanted to do (computer programming at NBCC). I'm still home with the kids (and a couple of extras). Life is good. Hopefully there will be more regular posts here now that I can think and enjoy again. Plus my kids are super cute and do funny things.

* HA! spelled that right the* first time
*er...spelled that one wrong....

still unwritten

2009-06-21T15:27:00.002-03:00

I have both nothing and too much to blog about
topics that have run through my mind (and might merit their own post at some point):
- car seat safety
- my spinning wheel
- potty training
- kids update
- general cultual attitude towards kids
- summer plans
- going back to work

Until then, a brief update:
- Ben is working! He got a job with Irving for the summer. In September he's heading to Community College to take computer programming
- Eli is 11 months and has learned to climb stairs. He also has 3 teeth
- Hana is constantly telling stories and singing songs. She still gets up once a night.
- I got a spinning wheel and am working on Christmas knitting.

Great Song

2009-06-21T00:07:00.000-03:00

I heard this tonight at a coffee shop. I liked it.

Map Reader

2009-05-28T23:38:00.003-03:00

A long time ago I came up with a theory. I was trying to reconcile a God who knows all things with free will. God is outside of time, has read the final chapter so to speak, knows the result. But that's a hard thing to wrap your head around.

My solution was to think of life as a map. So many different roads, different ways to get to the same place, different points of intersection for the same issue, people, events. Each choice we make is a road we go down, and we can only see to the next turn. God holds the map, directs us to our destination, no matter how many wrong turns we take.

Ben and I have started going to a great church, the pool. We've only been a few times, but we feel good there. It's a church plant, there are other young families, we feel God there. And it meets at 2pm. It's great.

One of the things we reflected on last Sunday was the idea of living a life that is appropriate to our calling, and in that understanding and accapting that we are, in fact, called.

Regardless of how many wrong turns, how many mistakes, how many bad choices, thoughts, actions we have behind (and ahead of) us, we are called.

And my paradigm shifted.

See there are things in my life I have done wrong. Things I'm not proud of. Things I'm ashamed of. Things I feel make me unworthy of my calling.

I had it backwards.

Shame has no place within the church. For years it has been used as a tool of spiritual abuse to keep people in line. For years it covered me, leaving me always questioning, always insecure, always hiding. Because I had it backwards.

We talk about God taking us where we are, but not about God knowing where we could go. It was the mistakes, the sins that became part of my life after my calling that tried to strangle my spiritual life.

I didn't realize God knew those too. And called me anyway.

So now it's not about hiding how unworthy I am, but trusting that somehow God is bigger than I am and sees my worth anyway, and every day living as tho I already am worthy.

He sees where I've been, where I am, where I am going. The choices I will face, the times I will fail and the times I will rise. And still he leads me.

Been a Long Time

2009-05-27T19:15:00.002-03:00

I haven't been writing much. Not just here, either. I haven't been very active on my forums or anything. Which is odd for me, writing has always been a regular habit of mine.

I have been thinking tho. A lot. About good things, deep things, things that matter. But the problem with thinking and not writing (at least for me) is that the thoughts vanish like the wind and i'm no better of for having thought them.

I'm going to try and remedy that.

By way of update:
- Eli crawls, weighs 22 lbs and has pulled up a couple of times. He's been sick off and on since January and his Dr thinks he's asthmatic. We're off to a pedi on Monday
- Hana is potty training, weighs 26lbs, is more fun than I could imagine and has finally started sleeping through the night 3 or 4 times a week! The parents rejoyce
- Ben was laid off, got a job, was fired and is looking again. He's going back to school in the fall.
- I'm going to start doing some evening/weekend work to help fill in the gaps and make it possible for us to redo the bathroom this summer. With potentially 3 asthmatics in the house the thoughts of what's lurking behind my bathroom tile keep me up at night.
- After 4 years of living on my own I think I've finally gotten the hang of keeping house. We'll see what happens when Ben isn't home as much
- In the near future I'm buying a spinning wheel. This makes me giddy with excitement.

Crisis of Love

2009-04-20T15:09:00.002-03:00

I am in shock. Over the past year I have become aware of so many marraiges in crisis. Some of these are people I went to school with. Others are families I've become close to through message boards. All of them have surprised me.

It's hard to hear about it and not get a little scared. Some days it feels like marriage is a game of Russian Roulette and you never know when things are going to go horribly wrong.

I know these things just don't happen. I know I'm not getting the whole story. I know I can do nothing other than work on my own marriage. It still breaks my heart.

Eli- 8 months

2009-03-31T20:51:00.002-03:00

Can't. Believe. It.

My baby is getting so big. I sat him on my lap the other day and suddenly realized that my hand doesn't touch his armpit and hip at the same time when I hold him. This was shocking. He's starting to get longer and isn't so round anymore.

Every time he grows my heart just bursts with joy. Things were so bad back in October. Like, really bad, wondering if he's sick or has growth problems or I messed him up by starving him bad. I comment a lot about loving the look of fat babies to friends of mine (a lot of whom have fat babies) - it's because you KNOW they are healthy and growing and have everything they need. Seeing Eli grow and having t move his leg fat to wash underneath is just such a blessing.

The only down side is the sweater I knit him is already looking a little short.

He eats real food now. It dawned on me the other day that he's 8 months old and could probably feed himself. It was just this sudden realization, it feels like I somehow missed a few months or something. He does great with cheerios and other small bits of food. He eats with us at meals now, which is much nicer than having him yell at us the whole time, wondering where his food is.

He's still not quite crawling. He's kind of stuck in reverse, which sort of makes me laugh. He tries so hard to get closer but keeps going further away. It's cute.

These milestones are so great, but hard at the same time. We don't plan on having any more kids (well, we're keeping adoption open as an option in the future, but that's it) so this is the last time I'll see these changes. Sigh. It makes me feel so blessed. Eli is so different from Hana, I can't wait get to know his version of the world as he grows, to see how their two perspectives mesh and clash together and with my own. I can't wait to learn all the things that he has to teach me. Already he reminds me to smile more, to laugh more, to just sit and enjoy what's around me, because it all passes by so fast.

Knitting

2009-03-24T23:46:00.002-03:00

I like knitting. A lot. It gives my hands somethign to do and makes me feel productive. It's a reward for cleaning, a tension reliever in the evenings and gives me an excuse to meet new people.

As such, I've been doing a lot of it lately. Right now I've got three projects OTN (on the needles) - socks, a sweater for the girl, and this shawl. Click that and look at the beauty of the shawl.

It's my first time knitting lace. It's my first time knitting with lace weight yarn (it's like thick thread). I'm finished the first chart and on my second (of ten) repeat of the second chart. It's pretty. I'm really excited.

Unfortunately, the charger for my camera has gone awol, so no pics of my pretty (or many of the things I've finished recently...or of my kids for that matter...)

sometimes it hurts

2009-03-22T22:32:00.004-03:00

When the things I believe and know and want don't line up with reality. Eli is 7 months old, he's happy, growing, wonderful. But there's still something that pains me as I watch him grow.

He weaned at not quite 5 months. Those of you who regularly read my blog know the story. He stopped gaining weight at 9 lbs (weighed at 10 wks). We tried everything. EVERYTHING. feeding constantly. Pumping constantly. Teas, herbs, medications (that made me go nuts), everything. I did all I could to keep him from having formula for over a month. Trips to Drs and lactation consultants. Telling Hana I couldn't play with her because I needed to feed Eli. Getting up at night to pump and to feed. So much work, so many tears and so little gain.

In fact, the gain was only 2 oz. In over a month. He was malnourished. You could see his ribs. It kills me to think that my desire to breastfeed, to keep him from having formula could have caused him harm. It could have affected his growth and the development of his brain. I was under the guidance of medical professionals, which is good, because otherwise my dreams could have killed him.

So I switched to formula. I still nursed as much as I could, but after a while my supply got to the point where nursing frustrated him too much and he wouldn't latch on. He refused me. At five months he was not getting any breast milk at all. Yes, I know, I could have found donor milk for him. Honestly tho, I didn't want to. At that point I think feeding him milk from another woman would have broken me. At least with the formula I was preparing it so I could sort of trick myself into believing I was the one providing the nourishment for him.

For some of you this wouldn't have been such a big deal at all. Some probably think I'm nuts for holding out as long as I did. But it mattered to me. It mattered so much, especially after all I went through with Hana. It matters a lot to me - there are forums I don't go to any more, people I feel uncomfortable around, articles I don't read, conversations I don't take part in.

There's such a dichotomy surrounding formula. The people who use it and think it's great and the people who don't and their passion for breastfeeding makes it seem as tho it should be in the same category as poison. I know they don't really think that. No one that I have shared my story with has ever made any negative comment about me using formula with my kids. But it still hurts.

It hurts to have to explain. It hurts to think people see me as an ignorant mother, or one that doesn't care, or one who isn't as bonded to her kids as they are, or that I am trying to take the "easy" way out.

Nothing about feeding Eli has been easy. For months this has weighed on me, and for weeks I've been half writing it all out, as if to be absolved in the confessional of the internet.

I don't want it to matter so much. I know I made the right choice. Yes, there are risks with formula - lower IQ, higher chances of illness and cancer, exposure to chemicals that I don't want in their systems. But for us it was weighing those risks against malnutrition and having a mother with very unstable mental health.

I don't want to be ashamed or to feel I have to hide Eli's bottles. I don't want to have to pour my struggles out, to admit to practical strangers that my body doesn't work right, that on my own I can't nourish my children. I don't want to try to normalize formula as a good choice, because I know for the vast majority of infants it isn't.

Never have I looked down on a mother who has chosen not to breastfeed. I admit at times I have to remind myself not to take it personally, but it's their choice to make. I do my best to encourage and inform without being pushy, and I admit I live vicariously through the nursing experiences of my friends.

I don't even know what I hope to accomplish by writing this all out, I know my decision was right and I've been validated by the people who are close to me.

Added later, because sometimes I need to write things twice to get where I want to go:

When I hear things about the benefits of breastfeeding or the risks with formula feeding it's like a stab to the heart. Not because I feel guilty, because I don't - I know this is my only option, I know I tried everything else. It hurts because I'm still angry. Something was taken away from me, something I dreamed of, prayed for, worked for, wanted with everything I have. The reminder of what that loss costs - both for me and for my children - is painful.

I don't go to LLL meetings to offer support to other women, because I'd have to bottle feed my son there. I don't go to local meeting about natural birth/parenting, because I don't want to have to explain to strangers how my body doesn't work right. I shy away from people that I know agree with me and feel as strongly as I do about nursing and breast milk and all those other things because I know I look like a hypocrite when I walk into Wal-Mart and pick up a can of formula. I have to remind myself not to take it personally when women I know choose not to breastfeed for what I think are silly reasons. It's hard. It's lonely. It's heartbreaking.

I do think women need more support with nursing. I also think the real problems that can come up - how hard it is in the first few weeks, the uncertainty, the real possibility of latch and supply issues, etc. need to be brought up more. I think there needs to be a distinction between what is NUTRITIONALLY best and what is GENERALLY best for a baby.

Mostly tho, and I say this as a person who lives in an area where a woman can NIP and not be looked at (I was nursing Eli everywhere for months), I think the only reaction people should have when they see a mother feeding her baby in any way is a sense of joy and peace because that baby is being nourished, cared for, and loved.

Who am I?

2009-03-20T14:15:00.003-03:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about who I am and what kind of person I want to be. The last few years have been quite a transition for me, and it's been hard to find myself int he midst of everything else. These are the tings that are important to me, the kind of woman, mother, friend and wife I want to be. Some of them I'm better at than others, but they are all goals I am activly working towards.

- I want to be the kind of woman who feels good about herself, even on my bad days.
- I want to be the kind of woman who can express her feelings without guilt, malace, insecurity or fear.
- I want to be the kind of woman who takes time to laugh, relax and be thankful for the world around me.
- I want to be the kind of woman who lives a life full of interest - hobbies, studying, events and experiences.
- I want to be the kind of woman who has a deep, rich and relevant spiritual life.

- I want to be the kind of wife that chooses to submit to her husband in love, trust and partnership.
- I want to be the kind of wife that makes the home easy for her husband to come home to - complete with home cooked meals and some form of order.
- I want to be the kind of wife that encourages and inspires her husband to be a better man, giving him strength, ideas, support and anything else he needs to find his dreams.
- I want to be the kind of wife that can talk to her husband - no nagging, no games, not afraid to show vulnerabilities.
- I want to be the kind of wife that is still dating her husband and all the fun and excitement that goes along with that.

- I want to be the kind of mother that gets down on the floor with her kids, gets loud and dirty, makes mistakes and messes and everything else, experiencing life with them.
- I want to be the kind of mother that gets respect from her kids by respecting them.
- I want to be the kind of mother that prepares her kids to live as successful adults, even if that means not always getting my way.
- I want to be the kind of mother that always talks in the positive about her kids, even through all the struggles and challenging times.
- I want to be the kind of mother whose kids (and their friends) can feel comfortable around, talk to about anything and respectfully disagree with.

- I want to be the kind of friend that one doesn't hesitate to call in a time of need, no matter what time of day it is.
- I want to be the kind of friend that will show up and do dishes or laundry or just chat when someone is having a rough day.
- I want to be the kind of friend that will have people over and not worry about the state my house is in.
- I want to be the kind of friend that keeps in touch with people instead of just keeping track of them.
- I want to be the kind of friend that listens and shares and is open with no pretenses, judgment or anything else that keeps people from really being honest and really getting close.

Time Changes

2009-03-10T14:21:00.002-03:00

Three years ago around this time I found out I was pregnant. Scared, excited, thrilled, nervous, so many new emotions and plans.

Two years ago Hana was doing little more than sitting and putting everything in site into her mouth.

Last year she was standing, cruising, crawling, but not walking. She was, however, saying a whole lot. At the top of her lungs.

Today, Hana and I were outside jumping in puddles, chasing each other and learning what happens when you throw chunks of ice at the ground.

Personal Solstace

2009-03-06T20:52:00.002-04:00

I hate winter.

Well, not really, it is generally my least favorite time of year, but I do like snow and Christmas and other wintery things. What I hate is what winter does to me.

Like many people, winter is hard for me to get through. I'm stuck inside, it's dark and dreary. I get cabin fever, I miss people, I get discouraged and lethargic and can't seem to break myself out of it. It sucks away my energy and my spirit. Some of the worst things I've gone through have happened in winter, which also colours my thoughts towards it.

In short, winter sucks.

And then through March every year I notice things start to take a turn. I think about spring and summer, of rain and the beach. I push myself to get out of the house more and connect with people. I start to feel more alive again.

From now through November things will be much different. It's like I can think again, breathe again, function again.

Now if it would just stop snowing...

Eli - 7 months

2009-03-02T19:28:00.001-04:00

Yes, I am aware that this is a few days late. I'm in denial.

I can't believe he's 7 months. He's eating food and spinning in circles on the floor and crawling backwards and all the other things 7 month olds do.

He's my baby and he's just growing too fast!

Designer

2009-02-21T00:04:00.003-04:00

I'm very proud of myself right now.

I just designed this:

It's a mug cozy. I found a pattern for a similar one. Well, kinda similar. It had a bottom, and the top wasn't attached, and it was a different stitch pattern. I made it, and liked it, er, except for the above changes. So I came up with my own. Charted the pattern and everything.

It took less than 5 hrs start to finish.

Now I'm going to bed.

Thrown Away

2009-02-17T18:31:00.002-04:00

Has anyone else noticed the absurdity of disposable products?

A few months ago I saw a comercal for paper plates. The point was you have more important things in life than doing dishes, so just throw everything out. Brilliant, right? Never mind that most people have dishwashers, and if you don't doing dishes only takes about 20 minutes anyway. Because really, watching tv or checking email is way more important. Sure, they make it seem like you're going to spend time with family, but let's be honest, if you have time to be online you have time to do dishes.

Things like that frustrate me a lot. Ben and I work really hard to not use dispible products. Because really, buying something with the intnet of using it once and throwing it out, especially when there are other re-usable products that accomplish the same thing, rediculous.

We use rags instead of paper towels, wash cloths instead of napkins for the kids, microfiber instead of swiffer, cloth diapers and I have a Diva cup. I figure we save at least 50$ a month (altho Hana is in disposables right now because she refuses to potty and I can't afford bigger diapers for her right now, but we're working on potty training) just by doing a two extra loads of laundry a week.

Yes, extra laundry, which does mean extra water and extra power. However, when you take into consideration the resources used in manufacturing as well as the wast from the packaging and the products themselves, we're still coming out ahead.

The only downside I can see to reusable products is that they don't really benefit the economy any. Well, except for reusable bags. I buy one of those a month when I forget to bring one with me.

Assumptions

2009-02-16T17:11:00.002-04:00

Know what, I'm a bit of an idiot

See, there are certain topics I refrain from posting on here because of what I assume my readership is :namely those from BBC who find my blog through Matthew's links (thanks Matthew!).

See, when I was at Bethany, I was, er, different. Well, not my first year. My first year I was loud and outspoken and had an opinion on things. I quickly learned that wasn't the way to go, toned back and kept my mouth shut. It was a survival instinct. I had tried finding another school, but no one offered my program. So I sucked it up.

So now there are things I think and say that surprise some people. I know this because one of my friends emailed me because she had heard I was "saying some controversial stuff" and wanted to make sure I wasn't completely heathen. As fun as it was to think I mattered enough to be gossiped about, it kinda made me rethink things. See, as much as I own my opinions, I still have this nagging need to have people like me. Flying under the radar again becomes my default.

Now, I've branched out. There are people who read this that have never even heard of BBC, it's not something that defines me anymore, and so it really makes no sense to have it define my thoughts (or at least how I express them).

Not that I really think anything I have to say is all that controversial. I just want to be able to use this as a sounding board for the things I'm working through. Of course, comments are always appriciated. Tell me I'm wrong, tell me why you disagree, build me up and teach me things I don't know. Let's have a conversation.

Well, assuming that people are still reading

Un-Normal

2009-02-10T22:43:00.003-04:00

It's a wonderful thing to feel normal. To know that what you think, feel, believe and experience is validated by others. To be told there is nothing wrong with you, that someone understands, that it's ok because you're not the only one who does it. Normalizing is a powerful thing. It's also very dangerous.

One thing that humans as a society have come up with in order to live with each other are social rules, along with taboos. The ability to shame people for being different keeps most people in line. Those it doesn't work on weren't really seen as a threat because their numbers were so few. They were isolated, and heard mentality ruled.

Then came the internet. And suddenly, everything is normal. You can find anything on the internet, including people who will agree with almost any position. Suddenly there is no more shame, no more isolation, and you can follow the heard right into your own version of normal.

When I had my issues with self-injury was when I started spending more time online. One of the things I found was a support forum for cutters. That site simultaniously keep me sane and drove me crazy. It basically kept me right on the edge between healthy enough where I wouldn't need to cut and messed up enough to where I was a real danger to myself. Finally I had people who understood, I didn't have to feel guilty and ashamed, I was ok. It was ok. They did it too. It couldn't be so bad. It was normal.

See the problem?

To this day I have a hard time on those sites. As much as I would love to be a support for others, to show them that recovery is possible, I just can't do it. I don't have enough strength to remember that normal is not the same as good.

It's like holding an AA meeting at a bar.

I don't know how the culture can combat this. In some ways it's good - things are being brought to light that shouldn't have been hidden in the first place. Victims are being given validation, closure and healing as they come together. Cultures are being de-mystified and understanding is being shared.

In other ways it's a very dangerous thing, as not all information being shared is good and not all shame is bad. There are some things that should never be seen as normal.

Hana - 27 months

2009-02-07T20:43:00.003-04:00

Hana is two. Every day I'm both reminded and amazed that she's two. Sometimes she seems so much older - she pretends, she plays, she understands, she shows empathy and she has the most hillarious conversations. Other times she reminds me just how frustrating being two can be - she doesn't always understand why she can't do things, she can't always express exactly what it is she wants or needs. She has big emotions that are hard for her little self to handle.

Her big thing lately is playing pretend. She loves playing in her kitchen and making dinner. I'll be sitting feeding Eli and she comes over with a plate and fork and tells me it's very good. She even sits one of her toys up at her table so she can feed it. It's ver cute. She has a play phone that she uses all the time and chats away while she does other things (wonder where she gets that....) and she loves playing with her own keyboard and mouse.

She loves doing things with me, no matter what I'm doing she wants to help and be part of it. IT can make things take longer osmetimes, but I love getting her involved. During Eli's nap I wrap her on my back while I make dinner and she thinks it's just the best thing ever.

The best thing lately is that she's finally (mostly) sleeping. After fighting to get her to sleep until midnight for a couple of weeks, we decided to cut out her nap. THings were difficult for a week or so, but she's settling into the new routine now. Best part is, she goes to bed at 7 and sleeps until 6 with only one wake up! Half the time she's not even really awake, she just comes out of her room, asks for Ben and then goes right back to sleep. Much better than being up with her for an hour or more, or her being up three times a night!

SHe's teaching me a lot right now. How to be patient, how to stay calm, how to frigure out what is really important. We have our moments, but things are much better right now than I thought they would be. I want to teach her how to handle her feeling when she just wants to explode. I want to show her how to communicate how she feels instead of just screaming and yelling. I want to let her know it's ok to feel frustrated and annoyed and disappointed sometimes. I want to let her know that I am aalways there to help her, no matter how bad my day is, no matter what time ofthe night it is. I want her to always know how much I love her and how blessed I am that she is my baby girl.

Eli- 6 Months

2009-01-31T10:10:00.002-04:00

My boy is 6 months old. I can't believe how fast time is going. He had his 6 month check yesterday and he weighs 16lbs 12 oz! He's so fat and happy now. In fact, he's so fat his feet are round. It's adorable.

All day long he chats and sings and babbles. Loudly. I think he's trying to be heard over Hana. He adores his sister. Sometimes they just stare at each other and laugh, it's adorable.

He's now an expert at sitting. No rolling or crawling yet, but he's trying. Instead of swimming when he's on his belly he tries to push, he's just not quite strong enough yet. I don't mind him not being able to go on his on for a while longer - it makes my life much easier.

He's so jolly, so happy all the time. He has the best grin I have ever seen in my life and I get it almost every time he looks at me. The only time I've ever really seen him unhappy was when we stuffed him into his bunting bag to keep him warm. He looked so mad, it was adorable.

Progress

2009-01-28T16:13:00.003-04:00

See that! It is technically a sweater. A very short one with no sleeves, but a sweater none the less.

I'm even still working on it. Actually the body is about an inch longer than it was when I took that pic earlier today. That was right after I divided the sleeves and tried it on her to see if it fit. So far so good. I'd like to get the body done this week and then the sleeves over the weekend. I already have a design in mind for Eli.

Knitting

2009-01-25T21:26:00.003-04:00

I'm knitting a sweater. At least I hope what I'm knitting will become a sweater and not just another UFO at the bottom of my knitting bag that I cover with yarn so I don't need to think about.

Kim (my wonderful SIL) and I were talking about knitting and it's unfortunate association with old ladies. So I was showing her some Ravelry links to nice sweaters. We found this one that we both liked. I told her if she got me the yarn I'd make one for her. In my impatience (and this happened less than 24 hours ago) I decided to cast one on while I wait. Except it's a slightly smaller version for Hana.

The fun thing about that is I've had to modify the pattern. A pattern that I've never done before. A pattern for a type of sweater I've never knit. Should be interesting. I'll keep you updated (cuz I know wondering about my progress on the sweater is going to keep you up at night).

Creamy Potatoe Soup

2009-01-23T18:15:00.002-04:00

This is my new favorite meal. It's super easy and tastes so good. Hana loves it too!

(I don't actually measure anything, so these are guesses, you might have to adjust to taste)
2 cups chicken broth
3 cups milk (I use soy, if using cow's milk, add flour so it doesn't go all nuts)
diced onion
2 cloves garlic
2 tbs butter
3 cups cubed potatoe
2 cups cubed carrot
pepper, salt, other spices to taste

sautee the onion and garlic in the pan, then add broth and milk. Heat, but do not boil. Add potato, carrot and spices, cook until veggies are soft. Take out some and blend, then add back to the soup (makes it thicker). I blend almost all of it - I like nice thick creamy soup. I also made a "cheeter" version today - I didn't have any broth or onion (really hate grocery shopping so I put it off) so I used water and onion soup mix. A little too salty for my taste (even with the low sodium kind) but still yummy. Ben and Hana also really like this soup, always a good thing. This makes a lot of soup - I'm debating freezing some or just having left overs all weekend.

Diva Convert

2009-01-17T17:08:00.003-04:00

Warning: This post is about menstrual cups. If you don't want to know, stop reading.

Over the past few years, I have become (in the words of my mother) a hippie. It started with the babywearing, then the organic/whole foods, cloth diapers, reusable bags and now this: the Diva Cup.

Diva Cups are a brand of menstrual cup - reusable cups worn internally to catch menstrual flow. I know what you're thinking. No really, I know. When I first heard of them I thought it was the most disgusting unsanitary gross and all those other adjectives too, but somehow I've changed my mind.

I think it started with cloth diapers. Anyone who has switched to cloth realizes that washing poop off a diaper is much less icky than wrapping it up in plastic for all eternity (have you ever stopped to think how much poop is in a landfill? now that's gross!). Next came FAM (fertility awareness method, a form of natural, non-hormonal birth control) where I got to know my body better, inside and out, and got much less squeemish about discharge and that whole area. Finally, there was birth, with all it's discharge, blood and general ickyness. I don't know how anyone could be squeemish about such things after that.

Along with the cloth diapers, I had already started thinking about using cloth pads. The amount of waste with disposable pads and tampons is just insane, not to mention all the resources used in manufacturing them. I have issues with disposable products in general - it's intentional waste, used resources and packaging for something we intend to throw out. Doesn't sit well with me. Cloth pads seemed a good option, as they're reusable and preform the same function. They do, however, require upkeep and can get a little expensive.

Which lead me to menstrual cups. It didn't disgust me anymore (at this point I realize that a woman should never be disgusted by her own body), requires very little upkeep, and only cost 40$ (or about 3 months worth of pads). So I got one and this is my first cycle using it.

I thought it would be difficult to insert, but it wasn't. All it requires is knowing where your cervix is so you can place the opening of the cup around it. Using FAM I was good to go. I thought it might be uncomfortable, but I don't feel it at all.

Now, to be realistic, it is a little messy to insert, but hands are washable. And it would be a little awkward to do in a public restroom, but can be left in for 12 hours, so that would rarely be necessary. There is no risk of TSS like with tampons, because the cup doesn't absorb, it just holds. Most importantly, aside from the box it comes in, there is no waste.

Inconsistancy

2009-01-14T18:42:00.003-04:00

Story of my life lately. So many good intentions falling short, good ideas left in waiting, commitments forgotten. Sigh.

I blame the weather - everything is shades of grey right now. We do get a lot of sun in our main room, but only for a few hours. It feels like the days are actually shorter, when really they're just darker, and it's hard to be motivated in the dark.

Still, not everything is being neglected - I had my first babywearing client this week and I think it went really well. I'm hoping to have a few clients each month - teaching them the importance and value of keeping their babies close in cloth carriers. Honestly I don't know how people do it without carriers, especially with babies like Hana. Eli is different - he's mostly just in a sling when we go out, not so much at home. Hana, on the other hand, is still wrapped at least once a day to help settle her for bed. She's also really started liking looking over my shoulder while I cook. It has the added benefit of keeping her from climbing on the table, always a good thing.

Every day I get up (far too early in my oppinion), clean, play, cook, think, spend time with my kids, make a few phone calls. I'm happy, I'm active (relative to a few months ago at least) and I'm feeling much more productive than I have in a long time.

There are still more things I would like to get out of my head and into writing, but I'm working on it. It's not about lack of time, but misplaced time, a lack of priorities. Baby steps.

Hana - 26 months

2009-01-06T14:46:00.002-04:00

THe past month Hana has changed a lot. She's talking so much now - conversations, stories, imaginative play. The other day she and I were playing in her kitchen and she said "oh, mama very thirsty!" and then got one of her little cups, held it under her little faucet, and then gave it to me "here, drink of water, much better!" and I was so proud of her.

She's such a caring kid. Any time she sees someone sad - weather here or on tv - she gets this concerned look and says "oh, big hug." Sometimes she even says "needs milk" which I find cute - she picked that up from Eli waking up hungry and crying.

She knows the letters of the alphabet, can count to 15, builds towers with blocks, jumps, sings songs and picks up her toys. She's even learning hte yoga poses on the Wii fit. We have so much fun together.

She's still waking at least once a night, but we think it's some sort of odd sleep walking/sleep talking thing. One night she came into our room to tell us her diaper was broken. Another time she said she was very hungry and needed some toast. Last night she was screaming at the top of her lungs for a blue crayon. Most of the time she goes right back to sleep, but it would still be nice if she just stayed in bed. I keep telling myself it will happen when she's ready, and in the meantime we take every day as it comes.

Eli - 5 months

2009-01-02T14:04:00.002-04:00

I can't believe he's 5 months old already. In fact, I'm so in shock about it that it hadn't even occured to me until now that I needed to do his update.

He's grown so much. Over 15lbs according to our Wii Fit. He has learned to sit and is trying very hard to get moving when he's on his belly. He laughs and grins and chews on anything he can get his hands on.

He's all boy. I have to admit I was a little nervous about raising a boy - I never really spent much time with little boys so it was an unknown. It's so natural tho. I can see his personality - curious, determined, intense. Whatever he's doing he puts all of his attention into. Play hard and sleep hard. And he does sleep. Two naps a day and wakes once at night, it's like a dream. All day long he's always thinking, doing, trying, and then when he sleeps he crashes and is so peaceful. It's a wonderful thing.

New Year

2008-12-30T15:15:00.003-04:00

A few years ago I stopped having resolutions for the new year - they enver worked and weren't worth the eventual guilt. This year, however, Ben and I are planning something new for the new year.

We're going to do a 3 month no-spend. Inspired by this blog we're going to stop spending money. Thankfully, Ben and I don't have a debt problem - the government is paying back my school loan via my child tax credit and universal childcare benefit (take THAT people who refused to give me a government loan!) and our mortgage is less than a lot of people pay for rent. We don't have cable or cell phones and so have no guilt with our phone and internet plans. We're already fairly frugal with spending, but do have a weakness for junk food and Starbucks.

So here is the plan:
- groceries once every two weeks, max 150$ each trip.
This is higher than our usual grocery budget (120 every two weeks) but we usually eat out once a week and make weekend runs for snacks. I figure raising the groceries slightly will still cost less than what we were doing.

- 120$ a month for bulk.
This includes meat (we shop at Costco) and pasta, rice, nuts etc. I get at Bulk Barn. I doubt we'll spend that much, as we don't get everything every time we shop, but that's the max I can spend at one time to replenish.

- Formula for Eli and Diapers for Hana
Eli is full time in cloth, so that's not an issue. Hana was in cloth, then potty trained, and then peeing on my floor. We're trying different methods of pottying with Hana, but she needs disposables at night, otherwise she and the bed are both soaked in the morning.

- Go to the Gym
I have a membership and I will use it twice a week minimum. I'd like to be going three times a week, but we'll start slow.

Everything else is off limits. There is nothing else we need. At the end of the three months we'll see how things are going and move forward from there. I'm hoping I'll be able to cut back even more, but again, we're starting small. The hope is that we'll save enough to be able to get new flooring and paint for the house. We've been here over a year and the walls are still bare.

2008-12-23T09:54:00.002-04:00

Christmas is very different than it has ever been for me. It has more meaning, more wonder, more awe and mystery. I look at my kids and I think of the sacrifice of God - incarnate, helpless, sent to be killed. I can't fathom it. It seems so odd, so wrong. I can't imagine an existance away from my kids, can't fathom sacrificing them for anything. And then I have a profound thought.

I am not God.

It's easy for me to become cynical about things this time of year, I admit. It's hard to reconcile peace on earth while war rages, hard to reflect on sacrifice while lives of excess are glorified, hard to celebrate the birth of a baby when so many children are starving to death. There are so many things I don't understand, that I can't even begin to reconcile, things I would do differently if I was, but I am not God.

And that is what brings me to my knees, gets me to a place where I can worship, where I can trust, where I can reflect on who He is. God incarnate, God who heals, Father God.

And the God who will make a way.

No matter what the cost, no matter how long it takes, God will make a way. There will be peace on earth, there will be comfort for those who mourn, those who ask will receive, because God will make a way, has made a way and is making a way each moment that passes.

I worship a God of mystery, of wonder, a God who seems illogical, who is above my understanding, a God who cares, who lives, a God of love, of sacrifice, a God who weeps, a God who understands. I don't have to understand, or agree, or be able to explain it. No matter how much I question, how frustrated the process makes me, I am always brought to this place. He is God, I am not, and I worship Him.

No one can call me lazy

2008-12-19T17:29:00.003-04:00

Well, actually they could, and some days they would even be right, but not lately. Lately I've been crafty, and not even in the diabolical way.

I've been crocheting diaper covers for Eli, here's one, isn't it cute

And I made a sock monkey for Hana

(face to come later)

I've got another cover made and I'm going to start another one tonight. In other words, I'm trying to justify putting off wrapping Christmas gifts.

Unwritten

2008-12-16T11:43:00.002-04:00

My blog is getting neglected.

It's not for lack of ideas - I have so many things I want to say. In fact, there is more than one half written draft just waiting for me to finish and publish. But I don't.
I get halfway through a thought and then wonder if it really matters, if it's worth my time to write about it, or yours to read it.

Plus I'm averaging about 6 hrs of sleep a night, and so I've been taking advantage of the days when both kids nap at the same time and sleep myself. When Hana is up and she sees me on here, she asks to play the typing game too. Ah well, it's good for her letter recognition I guess.

Why I Like Yarn

2008-12-08T21:13:00.002-04:00

- Yarn allows me to be in control and does not require a detailed explanation in order to feel it has a say in what I'm going to do with it
- Yarn does not demand anything from me and then punctuate that demand with "pah-leeze!
- Yarn does not make any sort of mess on itself and require me to clean it
- Yarn does not wake me up in the middle of the night and then sedate me with an adorable little coo
- When interacting with yarn I have no fear of being covered in bodily fluids (aside from my own)

Feminism

2008-12-06T23:17:00.002-04:00

Sparked by a discussion on one of my message boards, and reading this article, I want to share the following:

I am a feminist. I tried to convince myself (and others) that I wasn't for a long time, but then I realized that it was the way feminist ideas are presented that I didn't agree with, not the ideas themselves.

For instance, I think women and men are inherently equal partners, but different partners with complimentary strengths and weaknesses. These aren't just the obvious physical differences either. Men and women are so vastly different and these differences can show in any way imaginable and still be distinctly feminine or distinctly male. So many times it seems that the feminist movement tries to make women more masculine - "stronger", more forceful, less emotional and sympathetic, basically stripping them of the things that make them feminine. Except for their sexuality, of course.

Sexuality is portrayed as some sort of power card that equalizes. Unfortunately women don't realize that this is just another way for men to think they own us. There's talk of women being free to express and share their sexuality freely with anyone they choose, but if really given the choice, would they share it so freely? Sensuality should be celebrated, not used.

I fully agree that men and women should get equal pay for equal work, and that there shouldn't be vocational limits put on a person because of gender roles. At the same time, I believe men and women have inherently different traits (that manifest to different degrees depending on the person) and that these traits should be explored and used in whatever vocation a person chooses, not hidden or undermined. No doors should be closed based on gender as gender has no ties to ability, intelligence, skill or desire.

I believe in "girl power" - the power to create life, to birth, to nurture, to think with the heart. There is so much about being a woman that has been forgotten and overlooked. In Western culture the power of the feminine has been pushed aside and hidden to the point that those who talk about it are seen as some sort of fanatics. Even the power to be sensual has been taken from us and exploited to the point where women feel uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of their sexuality.

I feel that the cultural view of women, especially "strong" women only compounds the problem. Women are constantly feeling pressure and tension, torn between their emotions, their desires and the ideals they feel laid out in front of them by traditions, beliefs, media and society. At times it can feel that no matter what choice she makes someone is being let down or betrayed, usually it turns out that it is the woman herself.

I am a feminist. I am a woman with a degree who has chosen to stay at home with my children. I am a wife who chooses to submit to her husband and defer to his decisions, even when I disagree. I am slowly finding peace with my body and my sexuality as it is and not comparing it to the standard that the male-driven world tries to hold me to.

So not boreing

2008-12-04T10:22:00.002-04:00

With all the chaos that goes with American politics, Canadian politics (like the Canadian version of far too many things...) often get overlooked. Well, no one can say that Canadian politics are boring now.

Not when the Governer General - the Queen's figurehead in Canada - is required to cut a trip short in order to settle things down in Parliament. It's basically the equivalent of mom turning the car around.

Harper's strategy of "agree with me or go dissolve government" backfired, and now things are getting messy. Everyone else has an idea how to clean up the mess - a proposed coalition government - but we're still a democracy, and it's up to the GG to decide if the Canadian people have a say in this.

I do not envy her position right now.

I was surprised when I heard about the proposed coalition, especially after the NDP focused so much on how Dion was not fit to be PM. Hrm. Kinda shot themselves in the foot there, haven't they....

The majority of Canada didn't want Harper back in power (actually, the majority didn't want him there in the first place), but since we can't agree on who we do want leading the country, Harper is what we got. There is no guarantee that if things go to vote as they are (with the Liberals and NDP as separate parties) things would be any different.

I talked to my dad about this (my personal political scientist) and his dream would be for Harper to step down and his Deputy to come into power. Then there's no more Harper and no Dion, everybody wins. Well, in his mind at least.

THis is just a bad time for this to be happening. Any decision the GG makes will postpone government taking any action on the economic crisis. To go to the polls again costs an astronomical amount (tho not nearly as much as the US elections).

It's such a mess I don't even know what I would like to see happen, it seems either way we're screwed.

Hana - 25 months

2008-12-03T07:32:00.002-04:00

The last month has been an interesting one. Sleep is hard to come by at night again - some nights we're up two or three times. Yesterday she technically slept all night, which is great, except that it was 4 am when she got up. Ah well, like all else this is a phase I'm sure. Naps however are going great. For the first time in a long time Hana is asking to be worn for her naps. It's wonderful to be able to snuggle and comfort her as she drifts off to sleep, and heartwarming to hear her ask for it.

Language has taken a huge leap forward this month (which we suspect is the reason for the lack of sleep). She has conversations now, tells stories, comes up with funny things to say. It's wonderful and so much fun. I have to keep reminding myself that she's only two, that she doesn't always know how to say what she means or ask for what she wants. We don't always understand what she's trying to say, and it's very frustrating for her.

She shows so much compassion and love for all of us. When Eli cries she talks to him or offers one of her toys and says he needs a big hug or some milk. She's stuck on Ben right now which can make things a bit difficult when he's at work and all she wants is a hug from Daddy. She's also quite taken with the giraffe with the shiny nose (aka Rudolf).

She is so much fun right now - challenging of course, but fun. Right now she would much rather watch Sesame Street than have me type, and so I'll have to cut my praise of her short. Just one of those days.

Eli - four months

2008-11-28T13:21:00.002-04:00

Wow, what a month. It hasn't been easy. Actually, it was very stressful - I spent a lot of time in prayer, too much time very worried. In the end, I learned a lot.

I learned that just because you try really hard doesn't mean you'll succeed. I learned that no matter how strongly you believe in something that there are still times you need to compromise. I learned that things are not always all or nothing. I learned how strong I can be and what it means to put my child ahead of myself. I learned just how much fun a baby boy can be.

Eli got through the whole mess much better than I did. He never stopped grinning and giggling. In fact, he learned to belly laugh. He also grew. A lot. As of this morning he is 12lbs 6 oz - more than 3 lbs in one month! His growth has slowed a bit, which is good, it seems he's just about caught up to where he should be and we have the all clear from my doctor and don't need to go back until his 6 month check.

Eli is doing great. He's almost sitting. He's also reaching for things and gets such a proud look when he grabs on to something. He still loves to nurse to sleep, and has cut back to only one feeding a night. He's friendly, content, and loves to laugh. I'm so relieved, so glad he's gaining and that all is well. I can't wait to watch him over Christmas and see what this next month brings.

THe good Life

2008-11-22T22:04:00.002-04:00

Insert big sigh of relief here.

Hana has been going to bed much easier the last few days. We wrap her and she's out in a few minutes. Much better than the two hours of alternating screaming and being awake. Part of the problem was our expectations - getting her to sleep 7-7 just wasn't reasonable, especially if she was napping through the day. So we pushed bedtime back by an hour and a half and things are much smoother. She was going to sleep at that time anyway, so really the only difference is in how frustrated we get before hand.

Eli is growing so much now! He's like a different baby all of a sudden. I'm so so thankful that he's healthy.

So right now it's a little after 10 pm, both kids are asleep and I'm sitting on the couch spending time with my husband, watching him play a game. We're both relaxed, the house is reasonably clean, life is good.

After all the stress of the last couple of months this feels so good. I can think again. I can learn, I can interact.

I can also get so much more done! It's almost Christmas! hrm...maybe I'll get the decorations out....

Updates

2008-11-17T17:34:00.002-04:00

- Last Monday Eli weighed 9lbs 4 oz, today he weighed 11 lbs 10 oz. He's still under percentiles from where he was a birth (above 50th then, just below 25th now) but is doing much better. He has rolls now and a weeka go I could see his ribs. Praise God he's gaining and the issues we had didn't affect his development.

- Hana is going through a developmental spurt. She's talking in full sentences, beginning to tell stories and has learned to open doors and jump. As always these are exciting times, but they also cause an interruption in sleep for everyone.

- Ben's meds have made a huge difference. I have my husband back. We're able to relax together, to talk, to function as a family. There is much less stress in our lives right now. It's so good.

- I can't believe it's just over a month until Christmas and I haven't started playing Christmas music yet. Let's not even talk about Christmas shopping.

Drop Out

2008-11-16T23:16:00.002-04:00

Once again I am a NaNoWriMo drop out. With Eli being so underweight until recently my time has not been my own - pumping, feeding, weight checks, prayer, worry, time with Hana, supplimenting, washing. It's been a struggle, but we're good now. I'll do an update after our appointment tomorrow, once I'm sure we're in the clear.

I've mentioned before how I'm an idealist. I see the world the way I think it should be. I've often joked with people that if everyone would just do things the way I think they should do things, the world would be a better place. Needless to say, I've gotten used to disappointment, and I know the world just won't work like that.

It's harder, however, when my own life doesn't live up to the ideals I've set. I want to be the parent whose child never throws a tantrum, is never left to cry alone. Who breastfeeds until the child is ready to stop. Who is always there to nurture, teach, gently discipline. I want to be the friend who is considerate, available, open. I want a clean house, a satisfied husband, a vibrant spiritual life.

My life lately has involved a two year old who hasn't gotten enough of my undivided attention, a 3 month old who had only gained a pound since birth because my breastmilk isn't enough to sustain him, let alone make him thrive. A husband who gladly works hard to provide for his family and then comes home to help out with the kids because I'm stressed out. I've pulled away from friends because I'm not comfortable with letting them see me failing - leftover insecurity that I just can't seem to get rid of. My spiritual life is no where near what I would like it to be, but has been exactly what I've needed to sustain me. In short, I'm not measuring up.

So I've had to let go of some things. And really I'm ok with that. I own my decisions, and I realize what I want is not always possible and sometimes isn't the right choice for my family. But it's still hard - hard to set aside the ideal, hard to admit to others that I'm not doing what I thought I'd do, that what is important to me just can't happen. I guess I'm more concerned about appearing a failure or a hypocrite than I am with living my life the way it needs to be lived. I'm ok with not being perfect, but it's still hard when the rest of the world finds out.

Lessons Learned

2008-11-11T17:59:00.002-04:00

I've learned that just because you try really hard does not mean you'll succeed. I've also learned that sometimes succeeding isn't the most important thing.

Eli is now being fed formula. My poor son has only gained an ounce (30 grams) in the last month - and he had been underweight at that time too. We thought it was different things, we tried different things, but what it comes down to is he needs to eat. A combination of weak suck, low supply, and inadequate glandular tissue makes nursing exclusivly unrealistic for us. Even with meds, pumping every two hours, feeding every two hours and using a supplimental system we were unable to get enough into him.

It's hard, and heartbreaking, but not nearly as much as it was with Hana. I had much better support this time around. I had two wonderful LCs that I saw two or more times a week. I had family and friends I could talk to. And as much as I want to nurse him, it's more important that he grows and is healthy.

Eli weighs (as of yesterday) 9lbs 4oz. He's 3.5 months old. He's malnourished, and that has it's own concerns, tho we're pretty confident it hasn't (and won't) had an effect on his development. When the problem was discovered a month ago his small weight was an issue, but not a real problem. After trying everything we can and still not getting it up, it is a concern. I will be taking him for another weight check on Friday to make sure he is gaining and that there isn't a problem with his digestion or his ability to gain weight.

I"m still pumping 4 times a day and nursing for comfort (after a feeding to put him to sleep etc.). Pumping isn't very effective for me - even on the herbal suppliments and the domperidone I was only getting about 16 oz a day. He'll get one bottle of breast milk a day and the rest I will freeze. Now that I'm not taking the domperidone (which causes mood swings and depression for me) I know my supply will start to drop. By freezing my milk now I'm hoping he'll get at least some breast milk his whole first year. Not much, but some. I'll continue pumping until my milk is gone, hopefully at least until he's 6 months old.

Two

2008-11-02T23:09:00.002-04:00

This time two years ago I was full of anticipation. I was waiting for Hana's birth - what it would be like when I got to the hospital, praying the surgery would go well, what she would look like, how I would handle those first few days.

We had a rocky start. Nothing went the way I had planned or hoped for. Thankfully everything was fine physically, but emotionally I was a wreck. My bond with Hana is one that didn't come easy - we both had to work for it, and it was so worth the effort. I wouldn't change anything that happened because what we went through made such a fundamental impact on who I am. Until I became a mother I had no idea how much one person could change my life, change who I am. Going through that rough time and having the relationship we have now assures me that we will make it through anything.

Hana is a light in my life. She's quirky, kind, sensitive, fun, loving. She's spirited, persistant, determined, creative and imaginative. She has a huge heart, an amazing mind and some of the oddest habits I have ever seen. Every day she makes me laugh, makes me thank God for how blessed I am to have her in my life.

Over the last year she's grown so much, she's a completely different child. She is a child now, not so much a baby any more. Last year she was getting up 3-5 times a night, now she puts herself to sleep and we usually don't hear a peep out of her until morning. She was just starting to self-feed finger foods and transitioning to a sippy cup, and now she's using open cups and feeds herself with utensils. She was just getting the hang of crawling and now she runs.

When I play with her and she grins at me and asks for a kiss, or when she's laying on the floor colouring, or even when she's in the middle of a fit and then realizes I'm there to help and she asks for a hug, I'm blown away. I never knew being a mother would be this good, that watching her grow up would be this conflicting. It makes my heart swell and break all at the same time knowing that each day she needs me less and less, but chooses to need me more and more.

Eli Update

2008-11-01T23:52:00.002-03:00

I had another appointment with the LC yesterday. The bad news is that Eli hadn't gained. The good news is, we think we've figured out the problem.

Our guess is that he has developed a lazy suck. I have a very strong let-down, so he would gulp that down and be satisfied. At least, that's what used to work until he had his last growth spurt. Now he's not getting enough fatty milk because he's not working for it. As a result, my supply dropped and he stopped gaining weight. I also have odd anatomy that makes it hard for him to draw the milk out - even when it looks like he's latched properly he's not deep enough. That's also why I have such a hard time pumping.

So with the use of a larger shield, larger pump horn and a supplemental nursing system, we're trying to get his weight up. The good news is that so far I've been pumping more than he's needed for a supplement. I go back in on Monday to see if what we're doing is working. If not, I'll need to supplement more (and right now I have some in the freezer for that purpose) and perhaps get a referral to a pediatrician to see if there is another reason for his not gaining.

Be praying my supply increases quickly - medication isn't really a possibility for me in that area because it has odd side effects for me (extreme mood swings). I'm doing everything I can with herbal remedies, hopefully they'll work. Also be praying Eli starts gaining and we don't need to use formula.

Confessions

2008-10-30T16:29:00.002-03:00

- I've been known to tuck toys under the couch instead of picking them up. Makes for less mess the next day, and Hana gets all excited when I finally dig them out months later.

- The TV is on for hours a day. There used to be no tv at all, but that was before the second child was born.

- I bribe Hana with my computer when I want a few minutes to myself.

- Eli's laundry doesn't really get folded, just folded in half once so it's not a complete mess when I throw it in his drawer.

- I get Ben to pick up take-out when my day doesn't leave me enough time to think about planning a meal, let alone cook one.

- I leave my browser open to my favorite sites so I can feel like I have time to read things that interest me, and to make it quicker to actually read them while Hana is distracted by above mentioned TV.

- Crackers, cheese and pickles sometimes passes as lunch.

- I keep Hana naked from the waist down most of the day and put her in a disposable for her nap so I have less diapers to wash.

Eli - three months

2008-10-28T13:30:00.002-03:00

Time is flying by. If it weren't for the change of seasons I wouldn't believe he's three months old already.

Eli is doing great - he smiles and coos all day long. He loves his sister, and gives me the cutest grins while he's nursing. He sleeps great, all nestled close beside me, and has learned to love being on my back while Hana plays outside.

We had a trip tot he lactation consultant today because he's about 500 grams (a little over 1lbs) smaller than he should be. He has a great latch, and a strong suck, but doesn't like my heavy let-down. We had just weaned from the shield, but the LC recommends I keep using it to help fully empty my breast and boost my supply a bit. My hemoglobin was really low after he was born (so much that my mother was shocked they didn't transfuse me) and that has made it harder for my body to produce milk. I'm starting to take fenugreek and pump and hopefully by Friday we see some improvement.

The struggle with him gaining weight has been hard on me. After everything that happened with Hana it's just heartbreaking to think I can't feed him. A mother's job is to nourish her child, and it felt as though I was failing. The LC assured me that he is healthy, just small, and there are things we can do to fix it before it becomes a real problem. I know so much more this time around, and even if I do need to suppliment, I'll keep nursing him as long as I can.

Ranting and Raving

2008-10-27T12:45:00.002-03:00

I'm not so happy with life right now. Hana has been banging around in her room for over an hour. SHe was up until 10 last night and awake at 6:45 this morning - the child is tired and will be a bear tonight if she doesn't sleep. But she doesn't sleep, story of my life. She's waking up at night again, I'm telling myself it's just teething, but really I'm wondering if I'll ever get a decent sleep.

Eli isn't gaining weight. In the last two weeks he hasn't even gained an ounce. He's content and nurses great, but he's not growing. I can't even feed my own child, do you know how heartbreaking that is. We're ging to see a LC tomorrow, and I'm hopeful that we'll figure out what's wrong and be able to fix it, but it just kills me to know he hasn't been getting enough and I didn't notice. I thought we were doing so well. I thought he was growing - clothes don't fit anymore, isn't that a good sign? There was no indication there was a problem, he was just small - so is the rest of my family! I can't believe how stupid I was not to realize it was a problem. I'm so broken over that.

I'm stuck in the house all the time. In the evenings Ben is tired and doesn't want to go anywhere, plus we have to get Hana to bed. On the weekends I'm so exhausted it's hard to do anything, and Ben would rather stay home anyway. I'm feeling isolated from people - the only time I really see anyone is when they come here, and that doesn't happen often. I want to get out, I want to get to know people. I don't want to have to rely on the internet for social interaction, it's not good for me.

I haven't been to the gym in weeks. I feel so guilty leaving both kids with Ben, even tho he tells me not to. And then there's such a mess that needs to be cleaned up when I get home it doesn't seem worth it. But I have the membership so I'm just wasing money. Good thing this month was free.

My house is a mess. I just can't stay on top of it lately. No, not that I can't, I just haven't been. Lazy.

I've been neglecting God. THings were going really great for a while, but just haven't happened lately. No time to myself, no time to htink, let alone ready, study, meditate, reflect.

And to top it all off, I know God is still there, still faithful, still seeing me through this all. With Ben's illness, and Hana's spirit, and Eli's weight, I'm so scared and worried and guilty and ashamed and God can still handle it all. And handle me. Comfort me, give me hope and get me through it. I just need to let Him.

2008-10-24T17:22:00.001-03:00

Get it done

2008-10-21T11:13:00.003-03:00

I realize that as a born-and-raised resident of New Brunswick that really should say "Git'er done!", but meh.

I've been slacking in my responsibilities lately, not getting as much done around the house, or for me, or for Hana as I should have been. I'm not sure exactly what was filling my days, but it wasn't nearly enough of what should have been there. Every time Eli fell asleep Hana would wake him, she was getting more than an hour of TV a day, laundry was piling up and it was just not right.

Today, however, is going much better. We played upstairs for a bit, everyone was happy, no tantrums. Breakfast went great, then I got Eli on my back for a nap. Got a load of laundry put away and another started, tidied the living room, danced with Hana, vacuumed the rug, coloured with Hana. Then I made lunch, we both ate and the got Hana ready for her nap. Now Eli is playing beside me, my livingroom is presentable, my kitchen is passable and I'm not stressed out.

See, don't we look happy?

Now hopefully I can keep this momentum, get the kitchen and bathroom cleaned and go play outside with Hana again this afternoon. But first, a nap.

Choices

2008-10-19T00:08:00.000-03:00

A while ago when I wrote about my evolving thoughts on abortion, I balked at the idea of being called pro-choice. That was kind of dumb of me.

I like having choices, I like giving choices. I've found giving Hana options is a great way of finding compromise and avoiding melt downs. Toddlers like having a sense of control over their lives. Apparently this trait doesn't go away with age, we just get better at being disappointed.

There are times tho when giving options means giving people the opportunity to do something we don't like. Last night Ben gave Hana the choice of having dinner or playing with play-doh. Guess which she chose? The only way to avoid situations like that is to limit choices to things that are pre-approved. While I think this is a wonderful way to pick baby names, it doesn't really sit well with me in other areas.

Take birth for example. There is a lot of talk (well, at least in sites that I spend time on) about giving women the ability to choose the birth she wants. I strongly believe that a woman should be supported in any situation where she feels safe - water birth, home birth, lotus birth, hospital birth. But then what about medical birth? Elective Cesarean? Early elective induction? Those things make me more uncomfortable. They are choices I wouldn't make because the possible consequences seem too risky to me. I would rather people didn't make those choices, but can I really say I support a woman's right to choose while wanting to limit her options?

So many people see abortion as such a black and white issue - choose to birth the baby or choose to terminate the pregnancy. It's not. Babies don't just appear. There are appointments, tests, sleep issues, pains, nausea, bloating, complications, hormones, ultrasounds, emotions, cravings. Anyone who has had a baby will say it's all worth it (a lot of us even choose to go through it more than once just for kicks), but pregnancy is hard on a person. When talking to a mother about her choice to birth her baby, all of the above need to be taken into consideration. Sure, if she feels she can't support her child adoption is an option. There are even avenues that keep her from having to pay legal fees. But what about the time off work to have the baby, or go to prenatal appointments, who pays for that? Or the transportation, prenatal vitamins, maternity clothes.

It's not just an issue of money, there's also the havoc pregnancy can play on emotions. I am blessed to have Ben as my husband, I don't think anyone else could survive living with me pregnant. What if that mother has a fear, substantiated or not, that she won't survive the pregnancy because of the people in her life - the father, her father, her pimp, her employer? It's hard to see clearly through the fog the hormones cause. Possible, yes, but hard. Who will be there to offer council, a place to stay, to act as a liaison between support organizations, rehab, shelters? These are things that Christians should be doing, but they're too busy holding signs and spewing hate.

I don't like abortion. The idea of it makes me sick, breaks my heart, makes me hold my babies close and never want to let them go. At the same time, I have to be realistic - there are times when a mother doesn't see the choice as black and white, she sees all the things in between, agonizes, weighs the few options available to her. To me, it is far more necessary to give those women more options - more support, more finances, more understanding, more jobs, more maternity leave, more legal aid, more medical insurance - than it is to take options away, even the ones that make us uncomfortable.

We can't erase the things we don't like from the world. We can't control everything in a way that makes us feel more comfortable. There will always be situations we don't like, choices we say we could never make, things that we know will needlessly make life harder. We can't stop those things, we can only offer alternatives and do all we can to make the bad choices obsolete.

Let Down

2008-10-17T23:58:00.003-03:00

That last post was a hard thing for me. As open as I try to be, it's always easier to be open about tough times when they're over, not when I'm in the midst of them. I was hoping for some encouragement, some support, something to show I'm not alone in the world.

No, this isn't one of those pity party blog posts saying how horrible it is that I don't get comments. I did briefly consider abandoning this blog, but who am I kidding, I need the outlet (I just can't shut up, in case the length of my posts didn't make you aware of that). It's just the mumblings running around my head after realizing that I can't look at my blog as a means of socialization or to validate my existence - if I did I'd be left in a sadder state of mind than I am on my own.

Instead, this introducing the new phase of my blog. Yes, it's taking another turn (and hopefully not for the worst) - I'm going to treat it more as a journal. Yeah, that means a lot more family stuff probably. I'm aware this may affect my readership (the faithful 20 or so of you, and that random Irish visitor, I appreciate you all, hence the explanation), but as my readership doesn't bring any interaction, I'm not sure I'll notice the change.

Of course, comments and interaction are still welcome, and strongly encouraged.

Diagnosis

2008-10-16T09:43:00.002-03:00

Last week Ben was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

This actually comes as a great relief. The whole time I've known Ben he's always been tense, nervous, shy, a worrier. There were times he couldn't let go of things and would focus on negative posibilities. THat's what made him so quiet in social situations - he was afraid. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of what people would think of him. Worried about normal things that people think about when in new situations, but for him it was something he couldn't ignore or put aside.

Over the past three years our lives have changed a lot. It seemed with each change Ben's anxiety would get worse. Over the past year, and especially since Eli's birth, it got to the point where he couldn't function. He physically slowed down because too much was going on in his brain. He couldn't relax because he was alwys thinking about htings that needed to be done, but he couldn't do them because he couldn't focus on any one thing. He was obssessing over small, meaningless things (like thinking our neighbours were stealing our cat), and couldn't even talk to me anymore.

It was rough on all of us. He would get short tempered with Hana, he couldn't have a conversation with me, things around the house weren't getting done and he was stressed out about work. We would have arguments over the same small things over and over again. They would always come down to the same thing - he couldn't think, he couldn't control his thoughts and everything gave him more reason to worry. Once he realized it wasn't normal and wasn't something he could control on his own he felt a bit better. It sill took him weeks to make an appointment with our doctor - even taking time off for the appointment made him worry.

Knowing what the problem is really is a relief - he is on meds that will help. In the meantime however there are still frustrations. As his wife I need him - I need my husband to pitch in, to talk with me, to show me he cares - and sometimes that just doesn't happen. THen I'm left frustrated, hurt and angry, but with no outlet for it. I end up having less patience with him and with Hana than is fair. It's hard on the whole family.

He has another appointment in a couple of weeks to discuss how the meds are working. So far he's experiencing a couple of side effects - mostly nausia and dizzyness, both normal and should go away once his body adjusts. Already his head feels clearer most of the time, so we're very hopeful we're on the right track. I'm so excited to have Ben back, to see what he's really like as a husband and father without always being so anxious and tense.

Mirror Mirror

2008-10-10T23:28:00.000-03:00

I have issues.

Wait, I've mentioned that before. Have I mentioned my self-image issues? Not that it should come as any surprise, there are very few women I've met who haven't had some sort of inaccuracy in their view of themselves at some point in their life.

Like most women, I place a lot of my identity in my relationships. I'm a mother, a daughter, a wife, a friend. Success in those relationships means I'm doing well as a human being, turmoil and disharmony can really mess me up. Like if my daughter is screaming at me for no reason other than she's almost two, or I'm stressed out and ask Ben to pick up something for supper instead of cooking for him like a "good wife" should, or when my mom (hi mom, don't know if you still read this) annoys me and I lash out at her, or when I haven't heard from friends in a while (it's ok friends, I know I hear from you as often as you hear from me).

When those things happen I start to get anxious, confused, stressed out and insecure. I try to hide the insecurity with defensiveness, and that just makes things worse. I try to do something tangible to handle perceived problems, but my stress and anxiousness just turn it all into worry. My house gets (more) messy, I raise my voice and watch too much TV (and then get mad at myself for yelling and being lazy) and end up having a bad day (and sometimes causing bad days for those around me...sorry Ben).

And all of that mess happens just because I place too much value on things that change and are out of my control. Things that are part of me, but aren't really me.

It's so hard for women (I'm using women now because I'm really hoping this isn't just a problem I have) to compliment themselves, to admit their good traits, their strengths (inherent strengths, not those that exist only because of our relationships and thus are dependent on those relationships). I think it's because we don't want to be seen as bragging, or full of ourselves, or to have it proven wrong. Kinda like how you can't ever say you're humble. But then we internalize it too much, and we end up having trouble even thinking of our good qualities, and then when the external things get crazy and messed up it's hard to find anything solid to hang on to while we get it figured out.

I'm trying to get to know myself again. Over the last few years so much has changed and I've felt so swept up in it that I've lost touch with who I am and with what makes me tick. I know what I do, I know where I fit, but the rest of it is kind of jumbled sometimes.

I'm hoping that as I find these things about myself - my gifts, my passions, my strengths and areas where I have the opportunity to ask for help and utilize the strengths of others (how's that for positive wording). I want to be able to help others again, I want to engage in the world around me instead of just observe it, I want to get rid of these insecurities and doubts that take me away from my family and friends.

5 minute cake

2008-10-06T22:32:00.002-03:00

supplies:

microwave
cerial bowl
6 tbs flour
1/8 tsp baking soda
1 or 2 tsp coco
2 tsp sugar
1 tbs brown sugar
2 tsp oil
water to make it cake batter like

microwave for 90 seconds, let sit until you can hold the bowl without burning yourself, enjoy.

All measurements are approximate. I think it's the ratio that's more important than the actual amounts. I use a dessert spoon, not an actual measuring spoon. Flour and coco are heaping, baking soda is just the tip. Sugar amounts vary by mood. I taste test before I cook it. Be careful, it's addictive, I've warned you.

This is actually a very flexible recepie, feel free to make your favorite cake. Carrot, almond, vanilla, marble, spice, orange chocolate. mmmm, cake

23 Months

2008-10-04T13:33:00.002-03:00

Really? She's already that big? Are you sure?

Hana is such a big girl right now. As always she's talking up a storm. Sentences are the norm now - rarely does she put less than 3 words together at a time. She's also extremely independent. She knows how to ask for help, and until she asks it's best just to leave her be and figure it out on her own.

New accomplishments this month include learning how to strip and potty training. Yes the two are related. Ben put her up to bed one night and later went to check on her. She ran over to the bed and said "Diapy!" while pointing at the corner. She was naked. So far she's doing great with the potty - only a handful of accidents all week! I'm so proud of her, and thrilled that my days of changing toddler diapers are soon coming to a (temporary) end.

She knows most of the letters of the alphabet now. One of her favorite things to do is give us a pen and get us to write the letters so she can name them. She also has started singing along with us when we sing kids songs - probably due to the never-ending kids music we endured for a few weeks after Eli was born. We've also started playing "I Spy" with her picture books and she's getting really good at finding shapes, colours and different objects.

Every day she needs me less and less. It's exciting - as a parent that's a great accomplishment, to be able to equip my children for life without me. It's also a little sad to realize that she'll never need me like this again, that already her need of me is a choice and not always a necessity. I'm so proud of her, amazed by her and thrilled to see the wonderful child she's becoming.

2008-10-01T21:39:00.002-03:00

I've just had a realization. I'm sitting here watching So You Think You Can Dance Canada and realized it doesn't have nearly the press or hype or following that the US version has. It's a bit disappointing. There always seems to be a stigma that Canadian TV isn't as good as it's US counterpart. Unfortunately, that carries over to Canadian talent, and many artists, performers and athletes get overlooked.

I know that the CRTC requires a certain amount of Canadian content from all of it's broadcasters, but that doesn't apply to the American channels that we all watch on a regular basis. It's possible to not see Canadian content at all and still catch all the popular prime time shows.

I think that's part of the reason Canadian athletes have so much trouble finding sponsorship (which translates into less funding, less press and less training). We're so close to the U.S and so inundated with their stars that we don't notice our own. I wonder if this happens less with other countries because there are usually either physical or language barriers, pr perhaps less media carry over.

I'm a huge supporter of Canadian talent - what can I say, I'm proud to be Canadian and local support is something I'm working on (local sports, talent, farmers, everything). I just find it so disappointing that the U.S. media has blinded us from seeing what wonderful things our country has to offer.

(of course, the way the government has cut funding to the arts might have something to do with it too....)

Eli -Two months

2008-09-29T10:13:00.003-03:00

I honestly don't know where the time has gone. IT seems like just last week I was in the never-ending labour and it was summer. Now it's fall and he's already two months old!

He's doing really great. Like Hana, he's a slow gainer, about 10lbs right now. He's lean like Ben is, but still has rolls on his thighs and a cute double chin. When he's awake his eyes are so bright! He coos and kicks and flails his arms. He loves smiling and sticking his toungue out, and when I talk to him I can tell he's trying really hard to say something back. I can't wait for the stories he's going to tell!

He sleeps great - going 5 or 6 hours at night! We're working on nursing without the shield and so far it's not going too bad, so long as he isn't tired. WIthin a couple of weeks we should be fine without it I'm sure.

He seems so laid back, so curious. He's very content, so long as I'm in the room at least. He hates the car, but will sleep in his swing. He loves Hana and smiles and coos at her when she tries to make him laugh. I can't wait to get to know him better as more and more of his personality comes through.

Worth It

2008-09-25T21:20:00.002-03:00

With raising Hana, Ben and I have made a commitment to always respect her feelings and do what we can to offer her comfort and teach her how to handle them. That means no yelling, no leaving her to cry alone, no spanking and doing what we can to walk her through issues. We're not always so good at it - especially the no yelling part, that one is really hard for me some days.

A lot of this we've realized is absolutely essential for Hana - she has very big emotions for such a small little girl. We don't indulge her tantrums - part of helping her walk through things is teaching her how to deal with frustration and disappointment. There are times she ends up in her room to have a tantrum, but that's her choice and she's free to come for a hug whenever she wants. We're teaching her she doesn't get what she wants by screaming and yelling, and that using words is the most effective way to communicate. We name her feelings for her, letting her know it's ok to feel angry or frustrated or sad when she doesn't understand or can't communicate. It can make things more frustrating for me at times, but I keep telling myself that showing her this level of respect and empathy will be worth it, and will make her the kind of person I dream she will be.

Today, my little girl amazed me. After her nap she was very cranky. I needed to change her, which she didn't like at all (and I think was the reason she woke up, she definitely could have had more sleep!). She was crying and just needing some love, so we curled up int he rocking chair and I rocked and sang to her. After a few minutes, Eli woke up and I could hear him crying through the monitor. I felt myself tense - I figured I' have two crying kids on my hands and that's never an easy thing to handle.

To my surprise, Hana popped her head up and said "Eli cry, sad, go get!". I was amazed. She had my full attention, and she was upset, but she also knew Eli needed me and didn't want him to be sad. She wanted to make sure his needs were met too.

It always amazes me when she does things like that - she is so compassionate and loving towards others. Yes, it gets exhausting and the constant whining makes me scream, but it's worth it.

And now I have it written down to remind myself next time we have a day like today.

2008-09-21T13:12:00.002-03:00

My local mall has instituted a new rule - shopping carts are not allowed to leave their "base" stores: Sears, Wal-Mart, Sobeys and Toys r Us. That means there are no carts available in the main mall, and there are posts at the entrances to each of the base stores preventing you from taking the carts out.

There are (limited) strollers available at one kiosk in the mall - they have baskets and you can even get double strollers.

I think this is the worst idea ever. I am a mother of two. We do not take the infant car seat out of the car, nor do we have a stroller that's appropriate for an infant, I wear Eli in a carrier. We do have a stroller for Hana, but it has a rather small basket. WE normally go to the mall at least once a week, for the change of scenery if nothing else. When the weather is bad we go more often. A usual shopping trip at the mall would involve picking up a few things at Wal-Mart (one end of the mall) and then getting groceries at Sobeys )opposite end). With the new rules, these are my options:

1 - put Eli in a carrier and bring the stroller for Hana, only pick up a few things. This means more trips to the mall as I can't get a full grocery order.

2 - put Eli in a carrier and pray one of the strollers are available. So far there have never been strollers available when I've been there, but the mall keeps saying they're going to get more.

3 - Park at Wal-Mart, put Eli in a carrier and Hana in a cart. Shop, bring everything to the car, drive over to Sobeys and repeat. This means not going through the mall (which means not getting my tea at Starbucks or checking any other stores)

4 - Carry purchases through the mall while keeping track of Hana while I go to the other base store.

So which will I choose? None of the above. All of the options either require more stress or more driving, and none of them are worth it. Instead, I'll find another place to shop. Not far from the mall is another smaller shopping center that has a grocery store, Zellers and a dollar store, so I'll do most of my shopping there. When I do need to go to the mall, I'll either make sure Ben can come with me, or leave at least one of the kids at home with him. I think this is absolutely ridiculous. Whomever decided to make this change didn't realize the impact it would have on families or on their sales. I know I'll be spending much less time there - good for my budget, bad for theirs.

Are you kidding me? HFCS

2008-09-17T19:26:00.001-03:00

When I first saw the following commercials, I sort of chuckled - they're corney (sorry...) and the acting is um...great. But then as I thought about it, they kind of scare me.

You know what they say about HFCS? that it's in a whole lot of processed food (in Canada it appears on labels as "fructose-glucose", so keep that in mind); that it is supper processed itself (how else would they get sugars out of corn). Some people also claim it's more of a health risk than sugar, but I have to admit the corn refiners association is right - it is the same amount of calories.

What bothers me about this campaign is that people are going to forget that consuming large amounts of sugar isn't good for you, especially processed sugars (did you know table sugar comes from sugar beats and isn't naturally white?). Western society (myself included) is addicted to sweets, and sugars have virtually no nutritional value.

There are alternatives - honey and cane sugar can be used to sweeten things and aren't over processed - a much more natural route. You can also use fruit juices, or get used to things not being so sugary. Our palates have been trained to expect more sugar than there should be in things. For example, apples are a very sweet fruit. In fact, there is the same amount of sugar in an apple (13 grams) as in the average cookie. Naturally occurring sugars may not be better for you, but they are in foods that have more nutritional value than the average prepared food that is full of processed sugars.

So no, HFCS won't kill you, but it's definitely not the best choice out there. Advertising like this only contributes to the bad state of health in North America - this is another example of the media misleading public opinion for cooperate monetary gain.

For my American Readers

2008-09-16T22:19:00.002-03:00

Have you seen this?

It's information from Oprah.com about contacting your local senator about Bill 1738—The PROTECT Our Children Act. The purpose of this bill is to secure funding and make tracking child predators online a priority.

Please, I'm begging you, take the two minutes to copy and paste the letter on the Oprah site and send it to your senator. I've been online since I was 12, using chat rooms and messengers and I was propositioned more times than I can count - thankfully I was old enough to recognize pedophiles (most of the time...eventually), but not every child is so fortunate.

We need to make protecting children from pedophiles a top priority. The pedophiles themselves band together online in forums and web communities (even Christian ones) where their feelings and actions are not only understood, but normalized. Through participation in these forums the men (and women) involved loose their feelings of guilt and feel justified in their attractions to children. It's not a far step from normalization to action. With all the support and encouragement these pedophiles get, it's vital that we stand together against them to protect children from them.

Please pass on this information to all Americans you know - I can't really think of a reason why someone would be against this bill passing, regardless of their political affiliation.

So now what?

2008-09-14T20:53:00.002-03:00

Through another blog, I stumbled on this article. Yeah, I know, you're not going to read it. It's about Ray Boltz (you know, "Thank You", "The Anchor Holds" etc.). He's gay.

This has me wondering what the Christian community will do about it. I know a lot of people won't care, but for others it could be a tough spot. Will those songs be banned in churches now? Will people feel a need to criticize Boltz or publically denounce his career (and all the good it has done for the Kingdom)? Basically I'm wondering how much of a mess the North American church will make of this situation.

I could be optimistic and hope that it will enlighten more Christians to the fact that homosexuals are not evil, God hating individuals, but that might be too much to hope for.

I guess my frustration is the fact that so many people seem to hold homosexuality as this huge horrible sin, worse than murder. Never mind that the Bible states not to hate, a homosexual relationship is worse. If we treated every other sin the way we treat homosexuality (yeah, that's going to get people riled up on the other side of the issue, isn't it. No, I don't think that homosexual relationships are what God intended for His people, and I define sin as knowingly acting against a known law of God (yes, it's the act, not the attraction) I don't, however, feel that living a homosexual lifestyle means that a person is cut off from God. Like any other habitual sin, it will impact a Christian's life, but it doesn't make it impossible for someone to have a relationship with Christ, make sense?) then our churches would be empty - no one would qualify.

Why can't we be about celebrating that someone has a desire for God and helping them along that journey with Him, trusting that He loves them, knows what is best for them and will convict and change them as he sees fit. Yes, it is our job to correct an errant brother - to bring them back to seeking God when they go wandering away from them, but if someone is actively seeking God then it's not our place to push them where God hasn't asked them to go. I think if we're honest, we all have things in our lives that we know wouldn't be there if we were perfect, but we don't go railing on each other about them.

Ok, so most of that made no sense, and I'm sure I've offended just about everyone and haven't expressed my own views properly. This post may be edited as my own stupidity is pointed out to me and I have more time to think about this.

Budget Builders

2008-09-11T21:49:00.002-03:00

I joined a gym. I'm super excited ab out this - it should improve not only my physical health, but mental as well, plus improve my family dynamic. It gets a little rough being home all the time, just me and the kids. Ben works long days and likes having time to himself, so this works for him too.

Thing is, it's a luxery, and money isn't something we have just laying around. We're getting by, and building a bit of savings too, but there's not a whole lot leftover.

So I need to find 55 extra dollars a month in our budget. I figure not eating out once a week (because I'm too stressed out/tired to cook) will cover most of that, but any extras I could find would be great too.

And so I'm asking for ideas - what are ways you save money or cut back expenses? We don't have cable, but internet is a must (I need to connect to the outside world somehow!). We try to avoid processed food, but I do pay a bit more for some organic items.

Give me more ideas people!

My kids

2008-09-10T11:51:00.002-03:00

First of all, not only does it still feel odd using the plural of that, there is still a part of me that has a hard time understanding that I really am a mom.

It just seems so surreal sometimes to believe that I have the full time responsibility of two tiny people. It feels wrong sometimes - I'm only 25, right? On bad days it's easy to think of all the things I "could" be doing instead of changing poopy diapers and listening to Elmo sing the alphabet song. Sometimes my head is so full of kid stuff that it can feel like I've lost myself. Sometimes I don't have the time I need to think or process what's going on around me. Sometimes it feels like I've lost the ability to just be me without being a mom, to have a conversation with adults (let alone a conversation that doesn't involve kids). It can be overwhelming and frustrating.

But then I look at these two beautiful children and I'm just in awe - that I've been trusted with these two lives, that I've been part of the process of creating these two people, each with their own personalities and ideas and futures, it blows me away. They challenge me and help me grow, the amaze and entertain me. They fill me with so much joy I couldn't imagine being as fulfilled any other way.

Working on it

2008-09-09T11:16:00.003-03:00

Notice some changes? I'm playing around with things, this isn't the final product, but at least I'm getting started, finally

House of Prayer

2008-09-07T08:22:00.000-03:00

I heard a very good message lately that used Jesus' cleansing of the temple as text. The key point was that God's temple was intended to be a house of prayer.

That stands in stark contrast to most churches. It's long been established that prayer nights are the lest attended events at a church. How often do churches want to be known for their programs, their music, their preaching or multimedia. How many churches are known for their prayer?

I know how hard it is to get people to pray, and how other things, preaching, worship etc. are also important. We must keep in mind, however, that worship, sacrifice, teaching and community were part of temple life as well, and yet it was still to be known as a house of prayer. All interaction that happens between people is limited and crippled if there is no interaction between the people of God and God Himself.

If we put as much time and effort into prayer as we do the other aspects of church life, I think three things would happen. First, we'd have to spend less time, energy and stress on the other things and put them into better perspective. Second, relationships would grow deeper - it's hard not to connect to those you pray with and pray for. Third, and most important, we'd see and experience the power of God because we would (finally) be open and available to it.

Politic Policies

2008-09-04T15:20:00.003-03:00

I usually keep my mouth shut about politics. That is partially because I spent a lot of time around Americans the past few years and realized it was just easier to be quiet, and partially because I don't really care enough to have more than just a surface opinion about most subjects.

There is one thing in the current election race that has stuck out to me tho. Normally, I find it repulsive when opposing parties try to bring up dirt about the past, family or personal life of their competitors. Unless it relates directly to the issues at hand (and it rarely does - people are allowed to change their minds over time), it isn't relevant.

But now there is this controversy involving Sarah Palin and her family life. Her seventeen year old daughter is pregnant and her son has Downs Syndrome. On a forum I'm a part of, it was brought up that perhaps spending more time with her children during this time would be wiser than running for office.

My first reaction - leave her family out of it. Honestly, unless she feels politics are interfering with her family (or vice versa), then it shouldn't be an issue - we shouldn't even know about it unless she's the one who tells us.

Then I got thinking. She (and McCain) have built her up as such a family woman. A hockey mom etc. It's obvious her family is important to her, and they're trying to use that as a selling point to get more votes.

So now, what becomes worse - using your family as a bargaining chip (and thus leaving them (justifiably) open to exposure, or trying to find dirt on your competitor?

Either way, Obama gets points for considering the whole thing off limits. I wonder if McCain/Palin thought about that.

22 Months

2008-09-03T10:22:00.002-03:00

I'm trying not to think how close Hana is to two years old. Time is flying by and it seems like I can't catch my breath. It's just so hard to believe that my babygirl is almost two!

She has been doing really great these last few weeks. She's learning (through plenty of reminders) that she doesn't get what she wants through screaming and crying. The biggest issue right now is that her vocabulary never matches her desire to communicate - she knows so many words, but still has trouble. Yesterday while nursing Eli I sat in the rocking chair for a minute to answer the phone, and when I got up Hana had a bit of a meltdown. She calmed down and said "Sit, chair" and was very adamant about it. We're trying to help her understand she can't tell people what to do, so I said no. A huge tantrum followed, and I couldn't figure out why. Eventually she ended up upstairs to calm down. When she came back down, she went over to the chair with her soother and blankie and said "Chair, snuggle, pleeeese" with the most sincere look on her face, and it finally clicked - I had been rocking Eli in the chair and she felt left out, she wanted some snuggle time too, but couldn't find a way to get me to understand that, especially because she was upset. It was a reminder to me that tantrums happen for a reason, she's really not just trying to drive me nuts.

In her quest to communicate, she's also become very observant - picking up new words and gestures from us. One thing we often do is say "OH!" when we figure out what it is she's trying to say. So now, in what I think is an attempt to get us to understand faster, she asks for something, repeats the word and then says "oh!" nods, and repeats it again. It's cute.

She's really loving colouring right now, and looking through books on her own. The other day I sat nursing Eli with Hana sitting at my feet looking through a book and singing to herself, it was so perfect.

She's so gentle and loving with her brother - she plays with him, gives him kisses, and loves it when he looks at her or does anything(so long as he doesn't touch her, her clothing, or my hair).

This is such a fun age - she's so full of energy and curiosity I find myself looking for ways to keep up with her and fill her mind. We're having so much fun learning together.

Disclaimer

2008-08-30T22:32:00.002-03:00

The oppinions expressed on this blog are soley those of of the author - there is no expectation that these oppinions be held by the general public (altho at times that would be really nice). Also, the expression of these oppinions is not in any way judgement towards those who feel, think, or act differently, altho there may be some confusion on the part of the author as to why that is so.

Understood?

Basically, I'm not mad at you for disagreeing with me, so it would be nice if you didn't get mad at me for disagreeing with you. Sure, I might question things you do, might even wonder at the thought process behind it or not understand it, but not constrew that as passing judgement. Everyone makes their own decisions for their own reasons and I am not delusional enough to think that I have any control over anyone else.

So if you, for example, enjoy eating ants and I happen to write about how I find ants themselves rather icky and list illnesses that are attibuted to the practice, that doesn't mean I think YOU are icky or that I expect you to agree with me and stop. The information here is just that - information. In fact, if there were great benefits to eating ants I'd appriciate if you shared them - information works both ways. If I were wrong about my thoughts on ant-eating I'd appriciate being corrected so that I could change my oppinion on the subject. No one likes being wrong, and I'm not so stubborn that I can't admit when I am and quickly change my positon before anyone notices.

So long as things are said in a respectful manner without personal attacks (an idea can be crazy but the person who holds that idea doesn't have to be) then we can all learn from one another, even if it's just gaining perspective on the opposing side that leaves us firmer in our own. Yes, I express my oppinions strongly and I will back them up, but I expect you think my ideas are as wrong as I think yours are, so you can be just as strong as I am. And we can still be friends (or become friends as the case may be).

If comments do become personal or fall into the "flame" category, they will be deleated and you can feel free to either email me (perryDOTstephanieATgmailDOTcom) or try again with wording that more clearly reflects your oppinion instead of your emotions.

Thanks for understanding.

Eli - One month

2008-08-27T21:03:00.002-03:00

Time has been flying by. I can't believe he's been here for a month already.

He's absolutely precious. It's so different this time around without all the stress and issues that sorrounded Hana's birth. In a way it makes me grieve over what I missed with her, but at the same time I'm thankful for that experience because it's made me really appriciate things this time.

Nursing is going great. He was dehydrated and not latching well at 4 days old, but a trip to a wonderful LC (after a compelte emotional breakdown on my part) and the use of a nipple shield has solved the problem completely.

His eyes are still dark (I think they'll be hazel like Ben's), his hair feels like silk, he smiles when I talk to him and when Hana kisses him, and he loves being in carriers. In short, he's perfect.

We're renovating

2008-08-20T22:32:00.002-03:00

No, we're not doing anything exciting to the house (aside from the bathroom blowing up we haven't had the chance to do anything yet). I'm using we in the royal sense and referring to the blog.

For a while I've been half wishing this were an anonymous blog and that I didn't really know most of the readers (altho the amount of readers seems to be in question lately - where did everybody go?). then I realize that any other time I've had that feeling and ignored it, people have appreciated my openness and transparency.

So I say screw it (not out loud tho - Hana would very quickly add it to her vocabulary). I'm going to start posting more (hopefully - typing while nursing is an art I haven't quite mastered yet).

Change does take time however, and that seems to be something I don't have an abundance of. I'm working on it.

Mother of Two

2008-08-14T22:15:00.002-03:00

Things are starting to settle into a rythm now. Hana had a bit of a rough transition, but we figured out most of that was because she's working on her second set of molars - not such a fun process, but at least there's a reason for her screaming (I was worried she just hated me, so it's good to know that's not the case).

She loves Eli to pieces. She wants to hold him, and rubs his head, puts stickers on his clothes and gets all excited when he wakes up. There are moments of jelousy, especially around sleep times, but in all she's handling everything really well. I'm very proud of her.

Eli is doing great - he's already outgrown some clothes! He spends most of his day either nursing or sleeping, with some great arm and leg flailing thrown in between.

And now Hana's up, so the rest of this will have to wait until later.

WORLDWIDE MOMENT

2008-08-07T22:05:00.003-03:00

Eli and I relaxing.
my number is 32422

21 months

2008-08-04T12:30:00.002-03:00

Hana is 21 months old. I can't believe how much she has grown lately, especially during the two weeks she was with her grandparents. I look at pictures of her from a year ago and I'm just amazed - she's almost not a baby any more. Every day she looks more grown up.

She's learning so much. She can count to 5, knows some letters and colours, and knows our daily routine. She is always so excited about life, every experience is just an amazing thing to her. When she laughs, she laughs with her whole body, heart and soul.

This transition has been a little rough on her, as we expected. She loves her little brother - she points out his eyes and nose and mouth and hair, she gets excited when he's awake, she calls him "'Li"- it's adorable. I can't wait to see all the wonderful things she teaches him.

She is the child who made me a mother, and her personality, her uniqueness and gifts have made me the mother that I am, and I am so greatful to her.

a vbac story

2008-08-02T15:14:00.001-03:00

Prodromal labour started at 37ish wks. I was 2cm dialated and everyone (Dr, doula, family, myself) figured baby would come pretty darn quick. It didn't. July 11th we sent Hana to her grandparents and Ben started his parental leave - again thinking things would start soon. We figured this would be the best way for me to be able to relax and prepare myself for labour. I also wanted to labour at home as long as possible, so having Hana underfoot would have been difficult.

And so things remained until my 40wk appointment. At this point I was getting regular strong ctx every night from about 11-2, and also through the day depending on my activity. I was missing Hana like crazy, but it didn't make sense to bring her home as MIL and FIL live 3 hours away, and labour could still start at any time. It was getting frustrating. To top it off, at that appointment the Dr (one in the group I hadn't seen yet) informed me my cervix was still very long. She wanted to induce me that Friday (25th), but said instead I could just go for a NST and u/s and talk with the gyno and go from there.

So thats what we did. I wasn't happy with the thought of induction for a VBAC, but at least they hadn't scheduled me for a section. I spent the days between appointments doing all I could to encourage labour to start.

Friday morning before my appointment I was woken up at 6 by the ctx. These were really strong and unprovoked - that was a really good sign. I put off calling the hospital until the afternoon, just to give as much time as I could for things to pick up on their own.

At 10 the hospital called me and asked I come in at 1:30. We called our doula and let her know - she decided to come with us, just incase they decided to induce. The appointment went really well - the gyno said baby had lots of fluid, the placenta was still working (tho had started to calcify) and that she'd rather have me go on my own than induce me. Still, an induction was scheduled for Monday, just in case. She said I was nice and soft and less than 50% length, so she stripped me and said she hoped I went on my own over the weekend.

After that, I came home and slept, then went for a walk. In the early evening things started picking up again, and at one point (don't remember the time) we decided to call the doula again. I was having trouble focussing through the ctx on my own and thought I could use the help. Around 3 (I think) things started slowing down again and we all slept. By 8 they were back to the ctx I had been having for weeks and we were all tired and exhausted. The doula went home, Ben and I went back to bed.

We woke up at 12, and as soon as I sat up things were much different. Ctx were more intense (not really more pain at that point, just deeper) and coming ever 7 minutes. I laboured on my own between the birth ball, the bed and the shower until 6 - ctx were 5 minutes appart by then so we called the doula back. After she arrived we walked, focussed, massaged and walked more until the ctx were 2 minutes appart - showtime!

We got to the hossy (less than 5 minutes away). I had a ctx in the car when we arrived. I had another in the parking lot and another inside the door of emerg (it was past 8 so thats how we had to go in). Another on the way to the birthing unit and one more when I got settled in the labour room - it was roughly 9 pm. The nurse checked me and I was a "streachy" 3. I had so been looking forward to the whirlpool tub, but had to wait until I was at least 4.

So we walked. And showered. And went on the birth ball. And walked. They checked me at 11 - no change. More walking, more birth ball, meditation, massage. My hips and back had been killing me for weeks (sciatia and an old muscle injury), and each ctx made the pain in those areas more annoying. Pressure on my back and hips during the ctxs helped, but I was really looking forward to that tub. Ctx had slowed to almost 3 minutes, which didn't surprise us. I had to get a hep-lock (hossy policy to have a line available for a VBAC) and two blood draws, and I'm really nervous about needles. Still, we figured slow progress was still progress, so we had the nurse check me again at 1.

And there was no change. I was slightly more effaced, but I honestly think she just said that because I looked like I was going to cry. She suggested we all try to get some sleep.

Yeah, sleep. With ctx coming every 3 minutes. So we tried. Ben and our doula got a bit (they brought in a cot for Ben and there was a reclining chair in the room, it was nice), but I was having issues. Just when I thought I might drift off I had another ctx and felt something move in an odd way. A few minutes later I really had to pee. As I stood up, the room flooded.

Ok, not really flooded, but it was certainly more water than I had expected. After I felt that ctx before I waited for water, but none came, so the realization that yes, my water HAD broken kind of surprised me. So glad this didn't happen anywhere but at the hospital!

So from that point sleeping was out. We had the nurse check me, I was now 3 and a half. Well, at least there was progress. I laboured on the toilet for a while, then the tub, then the shower, then walking, then the ball. My doula kept commenting how great I was doing and how if I could see myself in a video later I'd think it was so beautiful. I told her I didn't think it was very beautiful. The ctx were coming HARD and at this point seemed like there was barely a minute between them. I was having a very hard time staying on top of them and nothing seemed to work.

At 7 I asked for gas and air. I needed something to take the edge off and nothing was working. The gas was nice, helped me relax through the ctx instead of fighting them. I really thought I was making progress. At 9 I was checked - no change. 12 hours of intense labour and I had gone about half a cm. I was not ok with that. There was no way I could keep going at that pace - first of all it was a VBAC and they wouldn't let me. Secondly, my water had broken so I was on the clock (18 hours and baby needs a NICU stay, 24 hours and it's a c/s). Thirdly, I couldn't handle it emotionally.

After the prodromal labour, the lack of progress and how badly I felt I was dealing with the pain, I felt my body was going to fail me and I would end up with another c/s. I was given two options - pit and an epi, or a c/s.

I took the first option - I was wanting a drug free birth, but more than that I was wanting to avoid a c/s (unless medically necessary, of course), so I chose the epi. Ben and the doula were a little surprised and tried to encourage me to keep going, but I knew that just wasn't going to work. 6 hours with no change, even with the gas and working hard to accapt the pain didn't give me much hope against the clock. I have no regrets about my decision.

It took almost two hours to get the epi. There was a miscommunication between the anestatist and the Dr (wonder what would have happened had I needed an emergency c/s....). In the mean time, I kept on labouring, sometimes with the air, sometimes not. Right before they gave me the epi they checked again - 4 plus! We all found it kind of ironic (and sad in a funny way), but I didn't care, I was so looking forward to some relief!

Remember my fear of needles? Yeah, that includes tubes being inserted in my spine. I didn't cry tho, I was just too excited to get a break from the constant pain. It took no time at all to get it in, and it took effect just as another ctx was coming. Bliss.

It was odd being able to move my legs but not having any real control over how far I moved them - different from the spinal for my c/s where I couldn't move at all. I profusely thanked the epidural man - he was my new best friend. Then they got the synthetic oxytocen going along with an IV line. At this point I was happy to have the hep-lock already in, it just made it one step faster and I didn't have to think about it.

Because of my previous c-section I had to be constantly monitoured, so I had a nurse in the room the whole time and was hooked up to the machine. Didn't really bother me at all seeing as I couldn't move anyway. The only problem was the contractions weren't registering on the monitor very well - I could feel them happening (the pressure) but they just weren't showing up right. No big deal tho - I could still feel enough to know if something went wrong and the nurse was there to watch for signs of rupture or if my uterus couldn't handle the drug.

Once that was all done, I fell asleep. Sleep was good. I'd half wake up every now and then and adjust, but mostly it was just sleep for two and a half hours. When I woke up, I was shivering and felt very nauseous. They figured the nausea was because of the drugs, but couldn't figure out why I was so cold. I got a couple warm blankets, they checked my temp, everything seemed normal. Out of curiosity I mentioned transition (remember I wasn't even 5 cm (after being there for 14 hours!) 3 hours earlier), and the nurse said she'd check me.

So she checks me, and gets this odd look on her face, and I'm thinking "great, still no change, how long will they let me go like this?" and she gets a big smile and says "you're 10cm, you can push with the next contraction".

At first I didn't believe her. There was just no way I could be ready to push already, pushing was still far away as far as I was concerned. I asked her if she was sure, I was excited and a little scared. This was at 2 pm. She started taking the bed apart, let the Dr. know I was ready and at 2:30 I started pushing.

That part was odd. I couldn't feel it at all. My left leg/abdomen was completely numb, my right side had a bit of sensation around my hip and inner pelvis, but that was it. So I did what I thought was a push and everyone said "Great job" so I figured I got it right and kept on going.

The spot on the inner pelvis that still had feeling hurt a lot while I was pushing (found out later there was a loop of cord beside Eli's face on that side, so I'm guessing that's what was causing the problem), as was my hip, but otherwise there was no pain at all. It was a very slow descent - he'd come forward, slide back, over and over again. Ben did so great here - he'd hold my leg while I pushed, feed me ice in between and let me know baby was still coming. I kept asking if there was progress and if baby was tolerating it alright - I wanted to go nice and slow, but knew a lack of progress would be a bad thing. It was so exciting every time he came forward just a bit, and when his head finally didn't slip back there were cheers.

During the pushing there were a couple of bleeds - vaginal tears, nothing serious, but the Dr. still had to check them out. He was wonderful - very patient, laid back, never made me worried about rupture or anything else. Once he was sure the bleed wasn't serious he'd step back and let the nurse take over again. I was really glad of that - so long as he wasn't worried no one else needed to be.

Once we got to the point where he was below my pubic bone I had already been pushing for two hours. They started pushing me to pick up the pace a bit and get him out. I pushed as hard as I could (at least I think that's what I did, I still couldn't feel anything) and then all of a sudden there were more people in the room, there was a warm towel on my chest and the Drs (there was a resident there as well) were getting ready. I was in shock, it seemed so surreal. Then someone said he was crowning, and someone else said there's an ear, and I felt him turn inside me and then slide out.

And I cried and there was this little perfect person on my chest. And he was whimpering and coughing and breathing and turning pink. He didn't cry right away (but was breathing, so not a problem) and I just couldn't believe it. And then I lifted his leg and saw it was a boy and started crying. It was the most beautiful moment. I didn't care that I was naked and splayed, that there were tons of people in the room, it was just me and this perfect little person I had just brought into the world.

Ben cut the cord and after 10 minutes or so they wiped him down and measured him. While I was getting stitched up (which btw seemed to take FOREVER!) he nursed for the first time. They were a little concerned about my bleeding and so had to massage my uterus for a while and start another drip to keep me contracting, but it wasn't too horrible.

I had a second degree tear and a few minor tears that didn't need stitches. Eli had a little trouble regulating his body heat for the first day, but lots of skin to skin time helped with that - he didn't need to spend any time away from me at all. We were discharged on Tuesday and have been doing great since. There was a little trouble with nursing, but a trip to a wonderful LC helped with that and now things are just perfect.

Announcement

2008-08-01T21:43:00.002-03:00

The short story

2008-07-31T10:41:00.002-03:00

Sorry I haven't given much information, it's been an exhausting week! There will be a (much) longer birth story coming as soon as I get time to finish it.

Elias James was born at 4:59 on Sunday, July 27th. He weighed 8lbs 2 oz and was 21 inches long.

Labour started (and didn't stop for a change) at noon on Saturday, contractions were 2 minutes apart by 8 so we headed into the hospital, at 9 I was all settled in. At 2 am my water broke, and at 7 I had only progressed about a cm from where I had started. At 9 I decided to get oxytocen and an epi, those were started at 11 (I was then 4+ cm). At 2 I woke up shivering and was 10 cm! I started pushing at 2:30 and he made a nice, slow entrance into the world!

He's perfect!

Labour

2008-07-11T10:33:00.002-03:00

This has been an interesting week.

For two weeks I had been in "prodromal" labour - meaning irregular (but productive) contractions. Wasn't too bad, just a lot of waiting for things to get regular.

Things got regular Monday night and through Tuesday my contractions were coming roughly every 10 minutes, but were still rather mild. I had graduated into "early" labour.

And that brings us to today. Contractions are still (mostly) 10-15 minutes apart, strong enough that I notice them but not horrible by any means. So far it's been a long, slow process, but not a bad one at all. It's exciting to let my body do this on it's own, slowly preparing for the birth of my child.

Tonight Hana will be taking a trip to Woodstock to visit her grandparents, and we're hoping that will give me one less thing to worry about and might kick things into active labour. I saw the Dr. on Wednesday and she's pretty confident I won't make it to my appointment next Tuesday.

20 Months

2008-07-02T20:02:00.004-03:00

My baby girl is growing up so fast!

I had the most wonderful experience today. I went to my OB appointment while Hana had a play date with one of her friends (Thanks Christina for watching her for me!). When I got into the office, one of the other moms looks at me and says "oh, you don't have your little girl today!" - I explained and she turned to a friend who was waiting with her and started talking about how sweet and well behaved and polite and fun Hana is. Now, when I have my appointments, I let Hana just wander around the waiting room. She colours, talks, looks through magazines etc., never getting into any trouble, but definitely isn't one of those kids who sits quietly and waits. I can't tell you how wonderful it was to hear such positive things about my child from a stranger.

Hana is learning to set boundaries and express her will. There are plenty of opportunites for power struggles, but we're working really hard at avoiding them, empowering her with her decisions as much as possible, and letting her know we understand it's frustrating when we can't. At the same time, she's learning to share and to take care of others, as well as (hopefully) learning to contain her impatience when she has to wait.

She knows something is going on with me right now. She's been very protective of me, and has needed a lot of touch and re-assurance lately. Once again I am so glad I invested in good carriers! I don't know how I'd ever get anything done otherwise!

Her newest thing is playing pretend. She'll spend a long time standing beside the night stand in our room "cooking" and then pretending to eat what she's cooked. She always shares it too. She mimics a lot of things she sees us doing - like tonight spooning imaginary powder into a water bottle just like Ben does when he makes ice tea. She's also taken an interest in dolls - especially my cloth baby doll from when I was little. One day she picked it up and said "Maymay. Back. Wrap. Wrap Maymay back!". It was a proud moment for me! I cut a strip from some leftover fabric and now she has her own little sling. It's precious - see!

I love this child more than I ever thought possible. We have our moments when we both get frustrated, but it's always temporary and ends with hugs and kisses and lots of fun. I'm so amazed as i watch her grow and so proud of the child I see her becoming.

37 weeks

2008-06-29T22:14:00.002-03:00

Things are moving

2008-06-25T17:44:00.002-03:00

I had a wonderful appointment today. Apparently those contractions I've been feeling for a week are actually accomplishing something - I'm 1 cm and 40% effaced, and the Dr was touching the baby's head - all very good signs!

So now I'm getting anxious to meet this little one. I know, it could still be two or more weeks, but I really feel baby will be here before my EDD (July 18th).

So, help me guess. I set up a poll, just click here

and guess gender, date and size of baby.

This pregnancy has been SO different from Hana's, but she was also breech the whole time, so it's hard to say if that's what is making the difference or not. I'm still carrying on the high side (even tho baby is engaged), but that's mostly because I'm short. Baby's heart rate is always over 140, usually around 145 (resting). Hana was 6lbs14oz and was born at 39wks, but she was scheduled. I was just as sick each time, but in less pain this time around. Don't know if any of that info helps with the guessing, but there it is.

Affirmations

2008-06-24T12:05:00.002-03:00

God designed my body for birth, all I need to do is trust and it will happen.

My baby knows when to come into the world.

Pressure I feel at my incision is not a reason to worry, just a reminder that I am a mother.

I can birth my baby.

I can breastfeed my baby.

I am strong and powerful, I can do this.

Right now my body is getting ready for birth, I will trust and listen to it.

Birthright

2008-06-22T18:37:00.002-03:00

As I get close and closer to the birth of my second child, I'm feeling compelled to reflect on Hana's birth.

It's something I haven't talked about with many people, mostly because many people don't understand. And those who do understand wish that they didn't.

Hana's birth, according to most, was perfect. She was breech through the whole pregnancy and so a cesarean section was scheduled for 39 weeks. I was prepared for the surgery - the IV, the spinal, the incision and what recovery would be like. Aside from being delayed over an hour, everything went according to plan. There was a bit of tearing to my abdominal muscles, and the anesthetic numbed me to my collarbones, but otherwise it was textbook. Recovery was fairly easy - I had no morphine as was able to control the pain with extra strength Tylenol. It was a successful surgery.

And that is exactly what it felt like - a surgery. I had gone in for surgery and came home recovering from surgery, and the by-product of that was this tiny little human that they had taken from my womb. In some ways it felt like I was bringing home my appendix in a glass jar.

Yes, I know, be thankful for medical technology, at least we were both healthy, that's all that mattered, right?

Except it wasn't all that mattered. I suddenly had this child that I was not emotionally, physically or hormonally prepared for. Don't get me wrong, I loved her from the first moment I saw her. I adored her and thought she was beautiful. But I wasn't connected to her.

For the first few days I tried to hide it, ignore it, anxiously awaiting that moment when I'd feel she was mine. As we struggled with nursing it got worse, to the point where she would start crying and I would just hand her to Ben. My inability to feed her just confirmed the feelings that she wasn't my baby.

For weeks I would casually remark to Ben that it felt like at any moment someone would come to the door to pick her up. Like she was just on loan to me and her real mother was somewhere else. Again, I loved her, cared for her, thought she was beautiful and wonderful, but wasn't attached to her.

I missed the first 12 weeks or so of Hana's life. I was present for it, but I don't really feel I was part of it. It wasn't post-pardum depression - it only involved her, and I wasn't really unhappy. we just had attachment issues.

I had used a sling every now and then from the time we got home from the hospital, but as I realized the feelings weren't going away, I started using it more. We also started bringing Hana in bed with us, and I would nap with her during the day. Most days, she spent at least 20 hours either in the wrap or sleeping beside me. I could smell her. She could feel my breath and hear my heart. I got to know every movement, every face, every noise she made.

That's when it happened. That's when it clicked for us. I was her mama, and she was my baby, and everything was finally right in the world. We spent months attached like that - even when she was 6 months old she was still in a carrier for 4-8 hours a day. She took at least one nap either beside me in bed or in the sling until she was 9 months old. Even now, at almost 20 months and 36 wks pregnant I will still lay down with her, hold her, or put her in a carrier when we're feeling disconnected. We have such a strong bond, such a wonderful connection. She's so secure, so independent, but when she needs it she knows she can always go to her mama for a snuggle.

This is probably the biggest reason I am doing things differently this time around. I don't want to miss that precious newborn time. I don't want to feel like a failure from my first moments as a mother with this child. I want to know, to prove, that my body, my heart and my spirit know how to bring a child into this world and connect with it. I want to know for sure that it wasn't because of me - some lack of compassion or whatever on my part - that we had such problems in the beginning, but that we were victims of misinformation and circumstances.